Friday, July 21, 2017 @
7:14AM
Good
morning. We’re going to try this
again. I’m having trouble getting out
all that needs to be written about … starting back with our birthday. I’m not promising better today, because we
have other things going on, but we’re going to try again.
This
morning about 10AM, we’re hoping to see our oldest son. He is going to be stopping here before we go
to our Dr.’s appointment. I think we
wrote this before, but Maury should be between 10AM – 1PM, and then drive 1PM –
2PM, and then appointment with podiatrist 2-3PM, and then drive home
3-4PM. That’s our schedule. I don’t think Rich will be back before me,
but thinking we’ll be too tired, to be writing.
Generally, we don’t write at night.
SOOO,
besides shower, we’re here. This morning
we talked to Rich about 45-minutes after waking up. We did have back problems again, so we’ve
decided to tell our Dr. that unless he can prove otherwise, the spine
injections aren’t working. He needs to
try the ablation (burning), or try something different. One Aleve earlier than normal helped.
@
7:54AM … We don’t have our head gathered, but it’s now about 30-40 minutes
later. Rich has left and that was
growly, AND we got the dishes done, and ALL the garbage kitty litter dumped. And, we’re just taking a break before we jump
in the shower. We were going to do that
earlier to get us to a place, we could just relax ALL the time before waiting
on Maury to get here.
The
Rich part was that he was running late, and he couldn’t find his dry cleaners
tags. He said they were right here on
the table, and then we said, they’d be on the side counter, because he told us
to clean OFF the table so we could have dinner with Austin, and now he was
yelling about us moving his stuff, etc.
He connected with parts who were triggered by our ex’ yelling and we
were near tears again, and then just closed down. Then he came over and wanted a kiss, but we
couldn’t move, so then he left. He said
he loved us (like he normally does), but we couldn’t answer him back.
After
he left there was a few moments, and then we got ourselves to doing the
dishes. After that, we could call him
back and tell him we love him, and that we wanted him to drive safe. That’s what we ALWAYS do/say. Then, he reminded us that we threw an
“ex-statement” at him, and we remembered saying he was “like our ex” meaning he
would not control his emotions, and then set-us-up for an emotional
overload. We didn’t remember that all now,
but we did remember telling him he was like our ex, and that is ALWAYS against
the rules, because we don’t like it when HE says, we’re like HIS ex. So, we apologized twice, and we reminded him
we loved him and to drive safe.
Then,
when we got off the phone, we threw out the “actual TANGIBLE” garbage, and then
is now and we feel better, but wish we would have escaped all that negativity
first thing in the morning. It’s a VERY
bad deal – no matter which way its cut.
So,
now we’re going to finish eating our breakfast, cottage cheese, and then we’re
going to calmly take our shower. So, you
might get a few words squeezed out of us next, because we’re slow eaters. Usually it’s one bite up, and then we rest
while typing. It’s a good speed, though
it’s not Dakota’s favorite. He likes to
lick the bowl faster than all that, BUT, he still lays down patiently MOST of
the time. Hmm. You got the Capital typist. OK, in this case – I’m pretty sure, I’m the
only one that does it, but in the system, I’m Anniemi. I confess.
I’m
usually the one that gets real upset about being yelled at. But, at that, I’d like to cut-out. Can someone PLEASE come and relieve me?
Hmm,
maybe ten minutes, and then we’ll take a shower. For sure, someone will come by then. Maybe, we can check our emails.
@
8:44AM Back. We’re done with our shower
and we’re dressed and the dog is out, and we have a cold drink. AN if Maury were on time, he’d be here in 1
hour and 15 minutes. We checked the
phone and there are no calls, no texts, and no messages. SO, we should be pretty good. The house is picked-up AND the garbage’s are
out – bathrooms checked. Good, good …
just should calm-down now, right?
Better
check my medicine too. Hold on. Yup-yup … that was already in our purse, but
we put our purse out on the table. Don’t
want to forget that. It has our driver’s
license AN it has our insurance cards.
Sometimes, they ask.
OH
MY! We’re only up to page TWO?!! Shoot, thought we’d gotten further. Maybe while, we have some time, we should be
pulling some stuff together. We need to
track things down, because we’re starting to scatter. We’ve got notes in two-three sections of the
capture journal, and just mere pages left there, so we’re afraid to use it
anymore … we must do somethings, but the writing parts will have to shift over
to the Word – and then from the Word documents to the two blogs. Again, we’re posting the same to both. Just haven’t cut the cord yet to the old
blog. Too much happening yet to talk to
Dr. Marvin about it. We won’t decide,
until then. We HAVE been on blogger for
the last twelve years, so the decision is significant to us.
Ok,
so better check firmly – how many sections in the capture journal need to be
pictured (from capture journal), and then saved to JPG, and then placed in our
writing?
7-20-17
(today is the 21rst), we have notes from Dr. Marvin
…
“… notes from Amie (probably not post them)
…
“… notes prior to Dr. Marvin’s appointment
…
“… notes for medical records (probably not post them)
…
“…Summary of conversation between Rich and Us (probably not post them)
7-19-17
… notes on police conversation (probably not post them)
Records
before that – pre-birthday … that’s where this back-up of records start
THEN, there are a FEW – I
think just three documents in Words …
07-18-17 – morning of birthday
07-19-17
NOTHING written in Word
07-20-17
– after birthday
07-21-17 (this one)
Just
checked … there was nothing written in Word on the 19th, and the
only thing written in Capture on the 19th, was that we checked our
finances/credit and talked to the police.
We DID talk to Dr. Marvin at 9:30AM, while Austin was sleeping, but that
meeting was pretty much in tears, and there weren’t any notes made
directly. After, Austin woke-up, we
talked a little about this, but pretty much stayed on his agenda the rest of
the time (as scheduled).
I
think, I must study this now, and figure out what to do about it all. And, make sure we understand the
sequence. Everything is part and partial. Should it all go to one document – in order? I’m thinking yes to that. The documents are short, and I want to get
this part over, so we can get back to regularly scheduled posting of entries.
" BJ’s email – Problem
“ our email to Dr. Marvin … Dr. Marvin,
07-19-17 (no notes taken) 9:30AM Dr.
M. phone appt - emergency appt/suicidal
" Capture - just a note, we didn't get
anywhere, but we called the police
07-20-17 Word - short note trying to
get back to birthday situation
" Capture - Rich and I had a flash argument
(pre-shower), then talked things out (post-shower) - calm
" (no notes taken) Rich left for work
(short-while), and we had wonderful Austin-time (blocked other)
" Capture - after Rich and Austin left -
wrote summary of Rich and us
" Capture - took notes called two hospitals
(local and Mayo) for medical records
" Capture -
Wrote a PRE-note to Dr. Marvin scheduled 2PM appt (phone)
" Capture - notes of the appointment w/ Dr.
Marvin
" Capture - Notes from Dr. Dorman and Amie
- the nurse
07-21-17 Word - still trying to put things
together - prepare for Maury
Nothing
has happened more, or less than this, but this was the chain of events that
happened after we received BJ’s note.
The problem arises is that we have parts that “love him very much,” and
then we have parts who are deathly afraid of him, and, we have parts dealing
now with the sudden burst of suicidal ideation (handling it through Dr.
Marvin). And, we have parts like us …
just trying to figure out the whole ticking time-bomb, from ONE single incident
that happened 19 years ago. Basically,
the note triggered a flashback, that we’ve been dealing with it now for the
last three days.
OK,
grounding ourselves here. We’re going to
stop and review what we’ve done so far, up to here … I just checked our
messages and so we don’t know if Maury is still coming, is on track, or is just
getting out of bed. I suppose we could
call him?
@
11:25 AM Back again. Must look-up to
catch what’s happening. Think we were
working on getting down our notes. We
might be able to do that now, at least, we have 1 ½ hours to do the work. Just the smallest of catch-ups … news is
breaking in that Sean Spicer just resigned.
There’s a lot more there, but we won’t go into it. That was a receding star for a bit. Other news, was that when we called Maury at
10AM, he let us know that he was just getting out of bed, and that it had been
a long night. We agreed with him, that
it was a good idea for him to still come out.
He said, he would leave there about 2:30PM WITH the dogs to avoid
traffic, and he might get here a few moments before we get home YAY!!!! We’ll leave the door open for him. AND, it looks like he will most likely stay
the night. A DOUBLE YAY!!!!!!
So,
we’re MUCH happier with this new arrangement.
We also called Rich to update him on the news. He had planned to bring home fried chicken
from Walmart. We objected because the
meat is usually overcooked, but the bottom line is that it is up to Rich. We have registered our complaint. We don’t want Maury eating undervalued
chicken!
Ok,
letting that point go. The other
things? We’ve eaten an early lunch –
there was one more hamburger left from Wednesday, and we had ice cream
again. Yes, this has been a problem, but
there is one more serving. It will
probably ALSO be eaten by us, unless Maury sees it – though probably won’t want
it. AND, as a result from that 10AM
call, we HAVE put the guest bedding in the wash. It’s in the dryer now. I’m thinking, we MIGHT be able to get it back
on the bed before going … it just depends how long it is going to take in the
dryer. There were some towels and
placemats, etc. in the wash too, so don’t know the timing. Hopefully, though, we’ll be able to make the
bed, because I think Maury will be tired, and if he gets here before us, he may
want to lay down.
I
LOVE seeing my kids and Grandchildren!
AND, the families’ dogs! Dakota
is going to be soooo crazy excited, if he came home and found Lady and Max, his
cousins here. Hmm, better think for a
second. Is there anything we should put
up? I think Dakota is willing to share
his things with the other goldens. Hmm,
better shut the gate for the kitty food.
We get lax there, because most often Dakota doesn’t bother with it. Hold on.
AHA! Back 11:43PM.
We blocked the kitty food, but also put away the dishes we washed
earlier in the morning, and we put the last few dishes in and wiped down the
counters one more time. I want our place
to be welcoming to Maury.
SOOO,
back to the entry. We’re at page six
(812 words). Not too far, but think
we’re Ready to go on.
Ok
… let’s get things in order as to listed above.
We’re going to make inserts here, which means getting our camera and
taking a few pictures of the capture notes.
Better get the phone.
Here
we go … we’ll leave in front of each section the heading listed in our outline
above. So …
07-18-17
Word - short note morning of birthday - excited
Tuesday, July 18, 2017 @
8:39AM
Good
morning, AND Happy Birthday to Us! Ok,
that just can’t be said enough. We
aren’t embarrassed by the fact we LOVE our birthday. Getting old seems to be a rite of passage and
each year we succeed, we’re just enamored!
So, happy birthday to ALL of us inside!
We
are getting a very late start. I think
we’ve been up for about 2 ½ hours, but it’s taken this long to calm down. Rich made us special omelets and sang Happy
Birthday to us, AND Dakota got an extra treat with his breakfast. And, we
couldn’t begin to tell you how many following Happy Birthday, umm, “type-songs”
were sang. Even Alexa sang happy
birthday to us.
I
just think it’s an incredible thing to have been born. EVERYONE should know that about his or her
own birth. AND, on your special day –
don’t let ANY one take that away from you.
Ok, there will always be one, or so, who does it subtly, but we’re going
to pretend that doesn’t sting a smudge.
*sigh* Life, you know? Probably,
we don’t deserve much better. OK, that’s
enough of that! Girls – it’s a GREAT
day! Being born is a WONDERFUL idea!
Mostly,
what we’ve been doing OTHER than singing to Rich and Dakota is going back and
forth receiving very nice messages from our friends and family through
Facebook. Yesterday, we were willing to
doubt that ANY one knew us anymore, but today … People are STILL saying Happy
Birthday. Reading the Facebook messages
must be one of our FAVORITE things to do on our birthday! It gives you a chance to connect to so many
people who have crossed your life.
Everyone brings a memory, or two or more hehe.
This
year, we’ve done it different so far, and we’ve commented back on each as we’ve
pretty much gotten it. There are SOME
other things that should get done. We
always try to say at least thank you. 😊. I was thinking, I would miss that
part in the day where we used to read the messages at the end of the day, which
was terrifically special. We’re thinking
today, we might do it this way … in responding through the day, and then look
ONE more last time at the end of the day and leave a like. People don’t really read their older
messages, much past the birthday, but it’s just Hard to let it go ON your
birthday.
Ok,
shhh … calm down, calm down. I should
probably jump in the shower quick … there are OTHER things happening
today. Not sure what to wear. I could go with regular, or we could put on
our specialist white shirt. That might
be too much, especially for eating out something messy, but it is my favorite
shirt! HMM, then if I wore that … would
I wear the white capris too?! And, then
would I wear the jean-type capris that are white, or the soft ones? Not sure.
We’re going to have to get over this question. I can’t imagine we’d try on both? Hey ladies, where are we at on this one. Or, we COULD go with the BLACK capris? Oh Lord!
THINKING though – we’re pretty much favoring the white fancy shirt 😊
Thinking
we need to step away from Facebook to get things accomplished! There’s so MANY people that I remember from
such different parts of our life. Life
is amazing that way – AND, especially through something like facebook keeping
us together. OK, not going to do a LOT
of facebook yet, BUT, today is special!
@
10:04AM The morning is progressing!
We’re out of the shower and dressed.
We decided to go with the white on white – Fancy, soft shirt and the
soft capris. I think it’s going to get
high 80’s today, MAYBE out in sandwich and chance of thunderstorms. Better remember to shut the sunroom
windows. Rich is in the shower now. I don’t think we got a spectacular grade on
our outfit. We asked him why and he said
he wasn’t used to seeing me in same-same colors as white on white. He said we needed some sun. *Sigh* Nothing to do about that now. It will be better when our hair dries. Better stop this right away, or we’ll worry
about it.
Then, I saw the second part of that
concern. He’s worrying about my
tendencies to spill something at least once.
I had considered that too. Maybe
NOT the deep-dish vegetable pizza. AND,
for the sake of record, when we got the Jell-O out a few moments ago … we
covered our chest with a hand towel. No
reason to take a chance. I wonder how
good the napkins are going to be at the pizza place. I don’t know if we’d be the first guest to
walk in with a hand towel hehe.
We’ve
got about a half hour. I still must do
our medicine
LATER
THAT EVENING after Austin and us got home from our birthday party with Rich,
Austin (grandson), Joe (son), Cari (DIL), and Alex (grandson). Austin was staying over a few nights.
" BJ’s email – Problem
Hi
Ann and happy birthday. Hope you are
fine. You are always in my thoughts and
prayers at Mass every day.
Hope
you have a GREAT day with the boys.
BJ
“
our email to Dr. Marvin … Dr. Marvin,
We
just got home from Birthday dinner, and everything was wonderful. Rich and Austin talked all the way home,
while we napped. When I got home, I
opened this email. It's from BJ ... I
don't know what to say. I've had no
relations with him. He's letting me know
he's probably following me on the blog.
That's what we're thinking. I
don't know what to say. Rich is still
talking to Austin, so I haven't told him yet.
As soon as I get a moment I will tell him. I don't know what to think ... I don't know what
to do. Please respond to me. Please?
Us Everything feels dangerous again ... I know
he's not here, but every day he's thinking of me ... and following me? ... I should have been thinking he could
access me. I'm out there. I don't know what to say or think ...
us
07-19-17
(no notes taken) 9:30AM Dr. M. phone appt - emergency appt/suicidal
" Capture - just a note, we didn't get
anywhere, but we called the police – checked a few things out
07-20-17
Word - short note trying to get back to birthday situation
Thursday, July 20, 2017 @
8:03AM
Good morning. This
is me. I’m not sure if this note is
going to make it out today. It might
just be for Dr. Marvin. This is just how
we start notes though. Hmm, I suppose
another way would be,
Dear Dr. Marvin,
This
is me. We’ve been up and down – mostly
up for the last four hours, and we’ve made no progress. To make things worse, we’ve just finished a
big rain out here in Sandwich – it should be coming in to you, but the point is
… is that we don’t have Internet again.
Most the time, even when we did have Internet, we spend rocking back and
forth wondering what to do, not being able to put our thoughts together. We wanted to write, but we couldn’t. Since it was about 4AM then, you could say we
were tired, we were. BUT, that almost
never stops us. Writing is important to
us in the morning, and on our best mornings, that is what we’re doing.
I’m
finding a hard time writing between my normal blog entry and Dr. Marvin. I’m not sure which is going to read out
here. So, maybe what we’ll do is try
something new. We’ll just write to us
within our system, and then see what happens next. I know the copy will go to Dr. Marvin, I’m
not sure, about writing for the blog.
That’s our preference, but there are limitations today. It will make more sense in a few
moments.
Ok,
maybe it will be better if we start from the top. That usually helps. The first thing, is that we in the middle of
our birthday somewhere. It was two days
ago, on the 18th.
We
had had a good morning. We were writing
some, but mostly responding to birthday messages on Facebook. To progress that part – about 114 people –
115 hehe, our Grandson, Austin said, he didn’t have a Facebook account to wish
us happy birthday. LOVE THIS KID TO
PIECES! We hadn’t posted the message
that we’d written for the blog in the blogs yet. It seems to have gotten frozen in time.
The
next part was that we went to Dr. Marvin’s.
I think on the way there, we were going through mostly our news channels
on Twitter. We’re like connected to
about 100 of them both on one side, and then the other. We like to have both perspectives, and we
were reading Tweets to Rich, as he was driving.
It was mindless … just progressing the day and it focused us on something
other than our birthday.
We had taken care of Rich’s deposit slips, and
so when we got to Brookfield about an hour from home, the next thing was to
deposit them at the bank. That only took
a few moments, and then we thought we needed to get a handle on what we were
going to be eating with the birthday day party after Dr. M’s appointment.
It
was a struggle that took the entire 30 minutes into the city of Chicago. We had decided earlier, we were going to a
nice pizza place called, Giordano’s, so the hard part was coming up with a plan
that wouldn’t bust our diet too bad.
Through some squabbling and near-tears with Rich (oh sure, and then he
orders a large pizza to split with Joe!), but we settled comfortably on a small
salad, a small 6” deep dish pizza, and then indulge in a 3-layer chocolate
cake. That all was a good idea – we got
some, but didn’t go WAY over for a birthday – though celebrating the birthday
too!
We
talked to Dr. Marvin about our choices when we met with him, and then we talked
about other stuff, not sure what it was for the moment. Maybe if we can think hard. Hold on, let’s see what they will give
me. First thought … I’m sure we talked
about the party, Austin, Joe’s family, Maury, his dogs etc., thinking OHHH, I
remember that we spotted as we were talking – though had NOT recalled seeing it
before, but we saw his copy of Dell – Dissociative, etc. on his shelf RIGHT
BEHIND his left ear! So, we asked to see
his copy … IT WAS HUGE! We have the same
book, but it is a Kindle book. Doesn’t
feel heavy at all.
When
we were going over that part of our discussion, we remember how heavy the book
was and that we had had to shift it from one side to the other, and then
eventually, lay it down on the couch. We
knew what we were looking for in chapter 44, and didn’t try in chapter 46,
because that was a longer read to find – without the same kind of sub-headings
to help us locate what we were thinking of.
07-20-17 Capture - Rich and I had a flash
argument (pre-shower), then talked things out (post-shower) - calm
" (no notes taken) Rich left for work
(short-while), and we had wonderful Austin-time (blocked other)
" Capture - after Rich and Austin left -
wrote summary of Rich and us for Dr. Marvin
"
Capture - took notes called
two hospitals (local and Mayo) for medical records
" Capture -
Wrote a PRE-note to Dr. Marvin scheduled 2PM appt (phone)
" Capture - notes of the appointment w/ Dr.
Marvin
" Capture - Notes from Dr. Dorman and Amie
- the nurse
07-21-17
Word - still trying to put things together - prepare for Maury
Ok,
we’re back. Everything is added … we’re
at 12:06PM. It didn’t take too
long. I’m going to have to go back and
skim it now to make sure nothing is out of sort TOO BAD!
@
12:24PM We’re back … I KNOW … BACK
AGAIN! It’s a very choppy entry
today. We’ve got about a half hour
before we go to the podiatry appointment.
Everything there should be good.
Amie says the foot is looking better, and we’re just checking-in to
assure that everything is ok. Amie got
us a special “shoe” yesterday, but we can’t where it to the doctor’s office,
because it shouldn’t be used to drive the car.
It is good around the house, or when riding with Rich. Again, by the time we get home about 4PM,
Maury should be here, and then Rich should be here an hour or two after
that.
I
don’t think we can go through details of what had happened with all the
material above. We are satisfied, that
we’ve pulled-it together, as much as possible.
SO, we are caught-up, with the exception that several of the things we
had written about, we’re only partial accounts.
We were switching from thing to thing without expressing the entire
story, and Austin was here, so we were trying very hard to put things aside, so
it wouldn’t interfere with his appointment.
Austin,
did catch-up on a short-hand version, and we remember telling him his mother
would understand, because we thought this was the kind of thing she helped
people with in her line of work. That
was our way of concluding that conversation. Basically, this is normal stuff
for people who have been abused. And,
that we’d been triggered, and then went through countless flashbacks, but then
ESPECIALLY, through Dr. Marvin, started working immediately through it in an
assertive manner. Basically, we needed
to get control over our narrative – what we were going to do … ESPECIALLY, to
help parts of us who had become suicidal.
Not when Austin or Maury were here, but we weren’t promising any safety
with Dr. Marvin over the weekend.
Since,
we’ve calmed down quite a bit. It’s
written in shorthand up above, but when we called the police where this had all
happened, we didn’t get far. They have
no record of the situation. We knew when
we were at Mayo, BJ had a police officer come to his door. He told us that. But, most likely because we did NOT press
charges (again out of love for BJ), whether misguided, or not, we did not press
charges. We went through a LONG stay
after the assault staying at Mayo Hospital, in Rochester MN in the psych
unit. We were severely depressed and
suicidal, and went through from what we were told – six procedures of ECT –
electroconvulsive therapies.
We’ll
perhaps, explain more of that later, but the big deal was in talking to Dr.
Marvin, to get ALL of us safe until, we at LEAST see Dr. Marvin in his office
on Tuesday, 07-25-17. We’re much safer
now than even talking to Dr. Marvin yesterday at 2PM. Again, things are calming down – I BELIEVE,
because we are being very assertive and supporting seriously the parts and our
WHOLE who has gone through something triggered by BJ’s note. I’m sure in his own way, he did not mean any
harm. I don’t think he understands what
happened. Dr. Marvin, said the word,
“oblivious.”
We
thought through his knowledge that we’d be with our boys this week, that he had
been reading our blog. That was part of
our panic. We thought, we’d lose access
to writing, to keep ourselves safe, but since then – AGAIN, ESPECIALLY through
Dr. Marvin, we’ve regained ground. We
decided that whether BJ is reading this blog, we were going to stay true to our
nature, and like each day we write, we are just explaining our situation and
experiences, and our decisions.
Back
to the police, nothing to be done there … it’s a wiped slate. Next, we called the local hospital, because
we had to use it due to suicidal ideation – NOT related to BJ while we were in
MN. BUT, they stated that if nothing
happened within seven years, the slate was wiped clean and they destroyed
records.
The
next call was to this wonderful woman at the Mayo Clinic. She found our records that were written while
staying at the psych ward, and with the Doctor Reese, who was doing our
follow-up, until we left MN and came back toward Chicago. We had a job waiting for us in Chicago, an
apartment Rich and us had found, and we had an appointment the first day before
we started our 12 years with St. Rose, with our current Dr. Marvin. Again, it’s been 18 years, and he’s seen us
ever since.
The
wonderful woman at Mayo said, she could fax all the records from that time to
Dr. Marvin for us by Tuesday at 1PM when we were going to have our next Dr.
appointment.
Rich
called back. He wanted to make sure I
knew that I knew about Spicer. Yup
knew! And, HE didn’t know that Dana Bash
had talked directly to Sean, who contacted her to say that he left to clear a
path for the next person. That’s good
enough for me. Sean took a lot of
beating, particularly through his boss.
Dipshit!
Ok,
sorry, didn’t mean to say that … it just came out.
I’m
going to have to get going, just want to finish my last thought. Let me think.
I
guess the last thing, I will say, is that it was very important for us to
listen to the parts who felt so devastated, even after all these years. AND, it was important for us to be assertive
with Dr. Marvin and the calls back to MN.
We admit, that we’d been through heavy psychiatric care, and it is
important to us now, while we’re better able, to understand what had happened
during that time. We want to get past
it. A simple note from BJ, shouldn’t put
us into emergency care. I am pretty
sure, he didn’t mean anything. But it is
scary and threatening to us nonetheless.
That’s
it. Gotta go!