Publishing AND Notes & Shippets of First Manuscript
Brought over from 8-22-10
Saturday, August 21, 2010
In answer to some of your questions, my book is autobiographical. It is written in Journal format. It covers my life from August 2003 through to August 2004. It is 321 pages long on Word. While the book vacillates between, home work and therapy, a major thrust is that I have Multiple Personality Disorder (DID), and although it isn’t very apparent in this first book, we also have a relationship as a mistress that at the point of this book had continued for about 10 years. We talk of our special friend as either “Forest Path” or our “friend.” We have 20 parts to our multiple “system.” We don’t really believe in integration but we do believe in communication between the parts so that we are all operating one life as seamlessly as possible. We have continued writing from the time this book leaves off until the present, so that each book would represent approximately one year of our lives.
Our goals in publishing include the options of a hard and soft cover as well as an electronic book and that it is available through Amazon and other on-line book stores. To be published in print for actual books stores would be very nice, but I’m not sure at the present as to the cost involved for restocking. I would very much appreciate the option of getting it published also to Amazon’s Kindle format. I believe in the immediacy of their Whispersync customer purchasing. I think it is a wave of the future that it is meant to stick. I would like to have the book published fairly soon. I understand that the best market is to have the book ready mid-September for the Christmas season. I would do whatever is necessary to make that possible. It would be like a dream.
My first book “Ayn’s Multiple World” is ready for publishing now. I have edited it so that it meets my approval. It is not perfect, but I don’t mind that it was written as is by the parts the way they “spelt it out.” I would not like to change the contents in any means. The book can be uploaded to you; it is in Microsoft Word format. The remaining 5-6 books are each written, but would need for me to edit them for typos, grammar, protection of others and such.
In the 2003 book when the story begins – shortly after a hospitalization for depression (my father, stepmother, and Godfather all died within a few months from each other) I was using coded names for the people in my life. As the story progresses we talk about people more directly. The story could easily be rated PG. There are a few times we swear, but not often and although we hint toward being in bed with our “Sweetie,” we are never more graphical.
The information given to me through your author’s guide and through talking with you on Friday, August 20, 2010 is fairly clear and meets my standards, though I’m not really educated as to publishing and would need to trust your good name to be of great assistance to us. I will read again prior to signing to reassure myself and others that the contract meets general common sense of perceived norms. This is the first book I have tried to publish. I am eager to start and to see where it might go.
I would definitely market my book to other multiples, students or people appreciated in psychology and self help, the medical community and in the education field. I’ve had approximately 26 years of experience seeing several psychiatrists. The two long-standing psychiatrists are both at the University of Illinois – Chicago. The first psychologist Dr. Philip Woollcott I saw for 7 years. Before he retired, he was the Chief of psychology at UIC. The second psychologist Dr. Robert Marvin I have seen and continue to see for 11 years. Dr. Marvin is an Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychiatry Medical Director, Psychosis Program Director, and Psychiatry Residency Training Director. I’m considered fairly stable, but this might not be the case without the assistance of UIC. Both psychiatrists have cheered my efforts through writing and other forms of creativity.
I’ve held the same job as a Qualified Support Professional (between counselor and social worker) at a small center for adults with developmental disabilities for 11 years, and because there is so much conversation talking about work, I think it also might be something marketable in the social service field. During the years 2005-2007, I struggled through working on my Masters of Educational Psychology. I only achieved approximately half the courses necessary. The book involves a secret mistress romance, but it is secondary to the expression of our thoughts and ideas. Still Rich is my anchor throughout and the relationship is very loving and understanding. He also works in the field of non-profit social services. In 2007, I finally “get the guy.” Rich and I have lived together for the last 3 years.
I have not thought about how to generate interest in my book other than book signings. I would be interested in checking out its resource ability in the medical community, educational text, and at writing fairs. I would make myself available to work through email marketing or any other suggestions you might have. I’m very flexible as to new ideas. Costs are a prohibiting factor. I understand that your Essential Package plus adding copyright registration to both the cost would be $1000 and that the full amount would be due before processing begins. I would have to either secure support in financing this or make a minimum payment plan at least four months, which would mean of course missing the Christmas season. I did talk to my mother and she and her husband are going to look at the book, I sent them a copy this afternoon.
Thank you for consideration. Please let me know if there are any other questions I might be able to answer. I can be reached on my cell at 708-255-5044 and my email is Aynetal3@aol.com.
Ann Marie Garvey
CHAPTER 1 – August 2003
Our Interpretation of "What Makes a Multiple"
Hmm, I'll try to summarize what we know here. Psychology is not an exact science. From our understanding most people develop multiplicity due to sexual abuse (usually incest) before the age of four. Not all people who have been sexually abused develop multiplicity. Some experts have said that it involves a certain amount of innate intelligence and creativity. If you've gone through the experience of early childhood sexual abuse and are not multiple, it doesn't mean you are not intelligent or creative. We are each unique and have special God given gifts and tribulations.
Another close cousin of multiplicity or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as it is currently being called is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It's another problem on the same continuum. There is a lot of information on the Internet about these disorders. If you want more in-depth information, go ahead and look for it.
Basically, we believe that our brain adapted to a terrible number of traumas and included sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse. When one part couldn't survive the force of a certain terrible condition, another more adaptable part would be created (new mind through a different pattern of brain synopses). The part facing the last trauma would then stagnate (or be bypassed) in age development, unless they had "time out" in the external world. There is a lot of sharing in our system.
We are not always aware or conscious of when the parts are switching, though sometimes it is very noticeable. Dr. W. gave us an image that helps us a lot. Imagine a very large conference table where all who are interested can gather to discuss all that is important, but we are viewing you via teleconference. We each get different impressions of the things happening on screen depending on our particular points of view. The system tends to frown on parts that stand up and interrupt us or the other from speaking. Most people in the outside world see a united front that we present. Damn, we are just that good!
CHAPTER 2 – September 2003
Our Reservations over Joining the Multiple Communities
Recently, we went to visit other multiples' "hang-outs." There are quite a few who journal. We are trying to figure out what brought us to our first real strong feeling of "fear." In response to this feeling challenged, we wrote:
We went to about 12-14 web pages, but don't have the memory to tell you the names. The things that frightened us weren't necessarily anything wrong in the others' journal entries. It's just that a lot of them had things that would be fearful for our system. This would include things like lack of ambition, constant raging anger or self-destructive ramblings, boredom, lack of cohesiveness or communication between parts, feeling a lot of self pity, or a lot of street smart on a rougher side of town ... this kind of thing.
We're trying to be more secure in ourselves, but we are yet kind of fragile because we find ourselves often adapting to others. So, we are pretty careful to associate with people who are trying hard to bring themselves forward. We didn't stay long enough in any one site to look more at deeper strengths of any of the other multiples. And, we know we should better try to figure out where some of these people really are. We figure there is only one real dynamic dual. Either one is learning, or one is teaching.
We actually have an understanding system, but during our personal time, we look for people who we can share positive thoughts learn and grow from. When we work at our Center we care for individuals in need of support. But, this is more like work. Although, appreciative of work, we just want to relax and progress our minds some.
The other multiples have as much rights to present themselves as we do. But, in our free time lives we're always looking for the cream of the crop. There is just so little time for everything. No reason to get bogged and overwhelmed.
We're sorry if we seem close-minded, intolerant, immature, or vain. We mean to be none of these things. It's just that we've got a lot of work to do on our own personal growth(s).
CHAPTER 3 – August 2003
Corey's Summary of a Multiple Day (9)
We had a very hard emotional day yesterday. From the night before, we continued to be angry, hurt, fearful, and hopeless. This started after Sr. Tess had yelled at us to go home and not be staying so late at the center anymore. We acted out our feelings by not going in yesterday at all. Dr. M. and more directly Forest Path suggested that there were other avenues, like talking to Sr. Tess. But, we'd concluded there was no talking to the woman. We felt powerless.
I think more than trying to hurt her or block our work from progressing, we felt vulnerable. We figured if we went in we'd get her more angry and we would be fired for telling her what we think, or that she would trigger the hysterical sobbing some more, or endanger our paranoia, or that we'd become more uncontrollably depressed.
We are much calmer now, but still not safe. Maybe that will come after being with Dr. M. tonight. We progressed the situation some yesterday by writing out the experience to Dr. M., and then later we forwarded our thoughts to Forest Path. We had thought we were going to be ok earlier, we had been able to write and read of other things in the morning, but, as soon as we turned away from the computer, we again felt the devastation that had hit us the day before.
We worry about trust. When Forest Path called to check on us, he suggested we'd forgotten the motive that maybe Sr. Tess had been caring for us. All the motives we had thought up were negative and judgmental; caring certainly didn't occur to us. We think also that due to the intensity of feelings and thoughts that maybe the buckets of childhood were banged. I know in the emails out, we had concluded that we were again worthless. This is a very defeating thought pattern that we needed to stop immediately.
We don't comprehend well other's anger at us. We don’t see this as caring. We weren't trying to upset people. We need to figure we're still one of the good guys.
CHAPTER 4 – November 2003
The Most "Funnest" Day
Oh Man! We just had the BEST time yesterday! Macadam had gone to the Bulls game the night before with friends, but about 11 am the next day, he picked us up for Jacob's football game. We'd never been, although this was his second year - before we hadn't been able to walk to the stadium seats because of the weight and arthritis. This time we were able and were with Macadam before, during, and after the game and he was stupendous!
Jacob gets free tickets and because of our physical disability, we had the luxury of sitting on the 40 yard line, first row off the field. Eight feet in back of us was the marching band, and more directly the drums. We were pulsating with their beat. The weather was fall sensational! There were a bevy of football things happening on the field, not sure of all what happened, but Jacob's team won 48-23.
Macadam said they now have an 8-1 record.
Most of our time, we kept our eye on Jacob and one of his best friends, Aldan. They were soooo wonderful! There were 8 other male cheerleaders and 20 females. They never stopped moving. The announcer guy said there were 24,126 people in the stands, but that didn't seem to faze him a bit!
With ease Jacob and Aldan did back flips and cartwheels, put pretty girls in the air, and yelled into nifty-neato tall black megaphones! After touchdowns, three of the cheerleaders would get the featured and adoptable huskies (school mascot) and run them around the field. There was one time during the introductions where the cheerleaders circled the team and they were running so fast that Macadam had to point out that Jacob was carrying the lead flag!
There was so much vibrancy; our mind is still a flurry! Couldn't begin to explain pride! Jacob and Aldan had found us early before the game started. Once Jacob came directly to us to reach up and high-five Macadam, then when the cheerleaders were throwing free things in the stands, Jacob and Aldan made sure we were tossed a Frisbee and small football.
After the game, Macadam helped us treat Jacob and Aldan to dinner at Bennigan's and we were joined by Macadam's wife, Lee and daughter, Abby (pretty soon 3). In all, we were terrifically and systematically sensory whelmed! Could we redefine the word alive?!
CHAPTER 5 – December 2003
We'll take Just a Small Cactus, Thank-you
Today’s been a beautifully quiet appreciative day. A friend had stopped by last night, but we hadn’t remembered his visit, except we were pretty sure it was him who had left cookie crumbs for us. I guess we were the ones to have eaten the cookies during the early morning hours? We’d gone to bed with chills and a fever that had broken at some point before waking fully. He teased us for it ALWAYS being the other 19.
This morning, the friend wrote to us in an IM that we should make sure to get a shower, change the bedding, and air out blankets, pillows, and house. At the point he IM’d, we hadn’t even remembered we’d been sick! We followed his prescription though. He said, there might be more cookies coming and we gave him one of our *most winning on-line smiles!*
We’ve been somewhere else this week. Hmm, maybe it was even farther away than Arizona. It’s been real hard to remember the meeting, the three days at the office, or even our actual doctor appointment.
First thing we remember about the trip was getting out off the plane and realizing that the cactus and palm trees were real as was the wondrous temperature! Was dream-like ... the cactus were bigger than us! We’d only remembered seeing ones that were in planting pots. And, there were a gazillion trillion pebbles everywhere.
We saw mostly Arizona people who get tips and we never stopped worrying that our money would run out. Before we knew better the redcap at the airport had convinced us that $5.00 tip was customary. Then the hotel people left treats in our room, but then we had to figure that delicious looking snickers bar would cost us $1.75 + 18% gratuity + $2.00 service fee. We had two. It was like that for everything we consumed. The $8.50 sandwich ended up costing us $20.
Then they had like about 200 guest rooms that were Spanish influenced ... everything was tan or brown except the angled red tile roofs. We had to be driven from our room to the meeting place, ‘cuz this place was spread out over 52 acres. These people got tips too.
The meetings lasted two 8 hour days. We’re just remembering now how our right hand hurt from the entire note taking ... something like over 30 some pages. Then we had to tip our way past the doorman and limo driver he called, and then to the airplane where our flight attendant was tipped for bringing us more than one Bloody Mary!
*Giggle* Thinking now ... goofy ... goofy stuff!
CHAPTER 6 – January 2004
How Many Days?
Since it has been soooo long since our therapist abandoned us before the holidays, we figured, we will just have our own little session.
Dr. M.: So, how does that make you feel?
Jamie: Well ... I’m feeling just a wee bit grouchy about this. And, NO I don’t want to share my feelings!
Dr. M.: Sounds like you may be a little angry at me
Casey: Did you mean to leave us all by ourselves?
Dr. M.: Is that how you felt - all by yourselves?
KC: I don’t think that’s fair, stop picking on her!
Dr. M: I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to pick on anyone. I think somebody may be angry with me.
KC: Well, if I were talking to you, I might be angry.
Dr. M.: Oh, why is that?
KC: All they did when you weren’t here is work and I don’t want to work anymore!
Dr. M: What did you want to do?
Corey: I think she was disappointed with Santa Claus
Dr. M: Did Santa Claus come?
KC: Tears ... I don’t want to talk about it!
Dr. M: It’s ok to be upset
Casey: Why’d you leave us??
Corey: I’m sorry, maybe there is a little anger here.
Dr. M: Do you feel angry?
Corey: You won’t believe this, but Sr. Tess now wants us to do CARF and prepare for the State inspection all in the same time...
Kate: It is obvious we are not going to be able to get this all accomplished!
Dr. M.: Do you think you could talk to Sr. Tess
Kelsie: It’s like talking to a brick wall. She had the audacity to act as if she didn’t know we hadn’t been working on both.
Dr. M.: Can you work on them both?
KC: He left the kitties mice, but he didn’t leave me anything.
Dr. M.: Did the kitties like their mice?
Casey: Oh yes! Etc., etc., etc.
Sarah: Hey, can I introduce you to Babyshark?
CHAPTER 7 – February 2004
Sexuality – “A” is for Little Ayns
Morning ... we’re not sure of the day. We’re finding ourselves off-scheduled due to the car. We just called into the boss. It is hard to tell who was more disappointed at the turning of events. My friend has inferred that I should be planning to rearrange my schedule over the next two days. I don’t think with possible car costs that it would be feasible, practical to rent a car.
Just a bit down, I’m afraid - maybe also because today is my grandfather’s birthday. He was the one who we were sexually abused by. Each year I try to forget and each year it raises its blistered hand to be causing grief within the system. His name was Al and he was born February 2nd and died on February 5th, the birthday of my youngest child. This latter day is celebrated in our household not only for itself, but for the change it represents in our world.
We’ve been avoiding thoughts of our last session with Dr. M. We’re hoping though that he will find it acceptable to talk by phone today.
It seems like Dear heart is having trouble being caught in a space-time continuum. It took us some time and trouble to bring the images that she appears to be living into focus. We are left limp of the results. It took quite a while before anyone would confess the thoughts to Dr. M. thinking we’re going to need to deal with it a little this morning. We’re feeling shamed.
"A" is the position that is haunting us ... there seems to be a story that goes with it. He’d taught us a game of chasing soft fluffy bunnies down the hole. We’re thinking now it was a means of stimulation for him. We figure that it could have been to relieve terror, but, then it doesn’t seem that by the age of 4, we were terrorized any more - except for whisker burns.
By then we had created the two Casies. One played the game with pleasure, the other said, "No."
Casey, the first one was trained to think she was loved and adored by our grandfather. KC the second had been caught and shamed into thinking that she was already a woman (because there had been blood) and that this compared to being a dirty animal. She was also taught that it was her responsibility and duty to control her emotions.
We were feeling numbed and am now sensing anger by these thoughts.
CHAPTER 8 – March 2004
Freedom, Power, and Responsibility
I hear you Floralilia ... But, one more thing ... We’ve heard many of you suggest to avoid or look away. Yes, I agree that in most aspects of life, we can "let go." I’ve given twice now examples of things we’ve let go of.
But, now we are thinking of the "big things" in life, particularly freedom.
People talk of freedom such as choosing which car we purchase, items shopped for, schools for our children attend, jobs that we decide to validate, or people we associate with. Life appears to offer a multitude of choices.
I want to focus though on the available quality of one’s choices. It is the aspect of choice making where one’s freedom is limited or narrowed as in a forced choice test. You know ... you want to choose E, but am only offered A through D? We’re thinking now much broader than just journaling ... all of life’s mediums.
Have you ever been in a situation where you found yourself presented unexpectedly with graphic sexuality? Like in a surprise pornographic site on the Internet, your daughter introducing you to her new found knowledge of how babies are made, or perhaps you saw this last year’s Super bowl game?
Some part of us could feel dismayed? Of course after the "surprise," you handle it, but left is a modicum of caution against "the next time," an impact. You perhaps feel some restraint; a preferred choice might have seen fit to avoid exposure? Did you feel overpowered, or maybe you were left to feel titillated? Seems like something from within was affected either way.
There is sometimes an onerous affect... because now you’ve feel put upon to be taking special care where before you did not need to be responsive.
A part of freedom is being frank, open and outspoken. Thinking now of Floralilia’s picture of the overweight sunbather with the thong. Maybe he thought with an open view toward his freedoms?
All of this leads me to wonder about "responsibility." This includes both sides, but in particular, having been put upon by someone else’s freedoms of choice. What happens when one person’s rights interfere with another’s? Who sweeps up? Are there standards that prevail to prevent abuse? Who sets the limits or boundaries on expression? What of the "power" of sexuality? Are you sensitive to its affect?
CHAPTER 9 – April 2004
Skip this One ... Just Venting Frustration
Morning! Think so at least ... hmm, yes ... all indicators are here!
Well, we’d have to say that yesterday was rather a down day after all the commotion. I think mostly, because Sr. Tess was in such a very bad mood. Fortunately, we had a Dr. M. appointment immediately after the work day had ended, so we had a chance to talk things out. We’d become very angry too.
The first thing we need to say is that, Sister Tess’ Mother has died less than three weeks ago. I know you all know that, but we need to keep remembering. We’re figurin that is playing heavily into things. Last night we talked almost the whole time of what she was projecting out in anger toward us, the staff, and others she comes in contact with.
Thing is, she doesn’t see it. She’s become very bitter, but seems to think she is as cool as a cucumber and very rational. My father was like that too. I had to put distance between us, because his negativity was very damaging to our psyches. I guess the only thing I can really do with Sr. Tess is put distance in the form of boundaries drawn. I don’t know ... yesterday, I told Sr. Flo that I tried to be very respectful of Sr. Tess, but she said; see that might be part of the problem.
Sr. Tess thought I was too respectful. *Sigh* Sometimes it’s too much… We’re having a hard time with that one.
At times like this ... everyone, I think, in their own way, tries to figure out the boss. Some in fear of her maybe, but others because we know although she would never say it, she’s hurting. We’ve had these kinds of discussions with Dr. M. ever since we came to the Center. Personally, I’ve come to believe she’s not real strong in handling her emotions. She’s got an explosive personality. And, that has an effect. I try to stay calm and not let it affect us personally, but I don’t always succeed. I think when I am calm and maintain my professionalism, like I did with CARF, it makes her even angrier. What good are all her efforts on projecting anger on us, if we don’t get angry?
*Sigh* so, yesterday we got angry. But, it was pretty much only at Dr. M’s.
CHAPTER 10 – May 2004
A Wondrous Day!
Mornin! We thought we were up with not enough time this morning, but then we remembered Dr. M. is out of town which means I can stay home a little longer, because I’m not expected into work right away. Is this cheating? Nah ... let’s think not! *Our most winning smile!*
Yesterday, we had the most wonderful day. We were able to sleep in, and then spent a reasonable amount of on-line time, and then we were with Macadam, Lee, and Abby, then came home to computer and an ice slushy, then went to bed. Couldn’t have been surpassed!
We took note, Floralilia about our extra help in writing "novels" in a week! You are right - Hehehe we do have help!
Sometimes, we’ll read what we wrote only a couple of times, but more often, we read over the writing quite a few. In our multiple worlds ... it has become a kind of electronic bulletin board for our thoughts expressed. What happens after we write is that many parts come out to edit, and re-edit what becomes a collective "story."
The main part stays the same, but there are little things that I may have forgotten, or could be said a little more clearly. Eh, part of being a system, right? I think part of this also is that we have so many hours in the day where we are by ourselves. It might be a little more natural to have run on conversations.
Our minds rarely stop processing. So many turns to take!
There isn’t a lot of hardship that goes into the original writing. We think and write in the same movement. Though sometimes, we might pause for a second or two to figure out what we want to be saying, or direction we might next go, or to ponder a thought. Hehehe - not like there is a concrete outline. Back in ‘97 after the boys left our house to live with their father a while, we started by hand writing letters to them (until we found their father and stepmother were reading them too), then that evolved to keeping a paper diary of sorts, then we evolved to long descriptive emails to a friend/doctor, then the journals format came from AOL and we knew in an instant what our next step would be (lot easier on the friend/doctor too). Pretty cool stuff! The correspondence has taken on a whole new nature with the advent of 25,000 characters. *Sigh*
We really do hope that someday our boys or grandchildren might take an interest in our life and the things we did and thought about. One day, I might not be here. We hear that it is common for people to write so as to leave a bit of history of them before that time. Speaking nothing of how good it allows us to feel while the letters magically appear on this funny screen in front of us. We will always marvel at how it is that I can see my thoughts transcribed with hardly a notion of what the fingers were doing to get them there. Maybe we were bred this way. I understand that after my father’s father died, his mother had a "career" as a typist for a very big insurance company in Minneapolis. So, the writing gives me a sense of carrying on in my grandmother’s spirit. Pretty neat!
Anyway ... the time with Macadam and his family was very wonderful.
CHAPTER 11 – JUNE 2004
Shoot, we’ll try Again later
It’s now later...
I’m sorry ... seems we just had another "spell." Our thoughts freeze up on us, the lights become too bright and we get woozy. This time our mood had sunk again. So we put ourselves down for another sleep. We know what we have to do if thing get very bad.
We woke again at 8:30 am. Our friend had left us a message. We had told him that we needed time to work on our anger, but instead he’d laughed sarcastically. I think he thinks he’s figured things out. He only knows what would work for him, I’m afraid. He’d left an IM message while we’d been sleeping. He still sounds mad, because we cancelled another meeting that is usually hard to come by. We returned a message, but said we were going to most likely be cautious.
We’re still having trouble processing thoughts. They don’t come out straight forward. I think this might be an all day entry. Since the morning is getting later, we are going to post, but then continue to write. We’ll post periodically.
Just need the feeling of being connected. I need to try making sense of our minds. Somewhere and somehow that feels safe. Its 9 am now ... maybe after a while ...Yes, that’ll work.
Please know that we are taking care of ourselves. If we were in immediate danger, we would know what we would have to do. Just being cautious...
Later that day...
*Sigh* another half hour has lapsed. We’re now into our "apple" stage of the day - this time a big red apple. It’s maybe not as juicy sweet as the Golden apples. I think our logic here has been that "an apple a day will keep the doctor away." It seems a good thought at least :) We are thinking Vince like thoughts ... we figured he would be telling us to, "RELAX!" *Sigh* Maybe we could do with a bit of distraction from our inner thoughts. We’ll kind of focus on "others" for a while.
I wonder where we left off on our journal reading. We’ve been to our normal journals, but only made one or two comments. Irun, if you happen by ... you ROCK!
Irun has managed to hit his big 10,000 hits today! It’s an exciting mark for anyone, I think. Should be ... that’s a lot of people contact!! Irun says though that he only has 8 ½ regular visitors ... we figure he’s won over many more hearts, especially to be included in his love ... is his biggest heart won, Irun says, she rules! :)
Let me see here ... how is our Journal Collection progressing? Yeeks, still in the "B’s" Hehehe to be fair, we’ve gone on a little further - since we’ve started marking our progress. We’ve read about 200 journals. Times 10 entries each that’s about 2000 entries read ... at least since we’ve been recording. Maybe I should go back and number them. Oh Wow, the program renumbers them if you copy and paste a new one into the order! Hehehe – it is small in comparison to all that’s out there, but really pretty much a lot. We’re thinking though that most of the reading happened before the entries got bigger. We’re quite sure if anyone counted the return visits to friend’s sites, each of us would be like, "Read 10,000!" Yep, people ... this is what one does sometimes in a quiet life of self and all. I do know at least 7 or 8 of you that have done those numbers times five. You just never know how it is we all connect and influence one another's days.
Chapter 12 – July 2004
All in a Day's Good Work
Good morning ... though now a late one. I wanted to say thank you to you all for commenting in our journal yesterday when we were having such problems. It means a lot to me to know that people care. I care too :)
We are back on the normal schedule of taking medicines and we saw Dr. M. last night. It wasn’t a great session in that there were negative emotions being acted out by some of our parts, but as a few of you have noted ... at least we went.
There were at least four parts out. Annemarie was out first thing and seemed to take the most time. She is very angry and absolutely forbid herself from having much contact with Dr. M. except her statement of stony anger expressed through her body stance. Then two of the younger parts, Ana and Casey, were out. They were pretty much scared. Ana had images of Annemarie throwing things at her. Casey looked too intimidated to either be there, or not be there.
Then Jaime was out, who is an older part, but she seemed grumbly about the whole situation. She is a very strong protector of younger parts, but did not have time to communicate or establish new safeties, but by then though the hour was up. We need to cross our own bridges within our head so that we can agree to the extra appointment Dr. M. is offering due to the holidays on Monday. Hmm, maybe we should take care of that right now. Hold on.
Ok, that is done. There is still confusion and anger due to limits he is placing on some of the communication resources. We’re not sure if we are reading correctly what he is saying though, so we’re asking for clarification. We don’t mean to be as mad about it as is being acted out, not sure of where all of these feelings came from.
It is a safe guess that our minds are confusing things that have happened in the past when there were very intense feelings with things that are going on in the present. We know that some of our parts, particularly Dear Heart has confusion of separating past from present.
From the images from last night, we’re guessing at some point in Dear Heart’s life, that communications were cut off from important family members conscientiously.
We’re thinking now that maybe because some of us are at such a terrifically "high" place with the Hall of Fame Journal and in meeting so many people that some of this other "stuff" is coming up now because the majority of us are feeling so strong and are in better shape to handle negativities.
Our guess is that what Dear Heart is going through is a period when our sexually abusive grandfather left us alone with our physically abusive mother. This appears at best to have been extremely traumatic and terrifying. At least this is our best guess at the moment. It is also our best guess that in holding a line of anger, temptations to cross the line were drawn. Most likely, it was her means of establishing safety from danger or vulnerability.
The thing about the multiplicity is that some of the parts are still dealing with initial upsets while most of us have skipped that part and gone on to a far more healthy life. Now we are all being held accountable to support the "system" as a whole. We are not angry at Dear Heart; we are trying to understand her. We also feel responsibility over younger parts that are living in fear. We often think the statement, "You are only as strong as your weakest link."
Hmm, interesting ... our brain has been processing. The thought just occurred to us that this communication situation, the acceptance of "self-isolation" might have something to do directly with suicidal ideation we are known to have. It’s like Dear Heart is screaming, "FINE, THEN I WON’T BE HERE THEN!!!"
There are also some thoughts on the word, "invisible."
Chapter 13 – August 2004’
Being an Easier Person to Be With
Hmm, this Mornin, we decided that we’d like to write again. I offer my apologies to those waiting for induction into the Hall of Fame. We WILL finish this project ... it’s just that we need to take a little time for ourselves in-between. It’s been pretty intense this last couple of weeks. Not necessarily the bad intense ... just that it’s been such an emotional high connecting with so many people we find ourselves sometimes lost to our own thoughts.
We’ll need to be figuring out a technical problem too. Think we are going to need to start a new Hall of Fame Journal to compensate the part where it seems you can only write about 175 journal entries in any one given month. We’re thinking that the last 100 journals could go into an attached journal, but we haven’t worked out all the details - probably a few choice decisions. We’re better at that type of thing as it comes up about 40 entries from now.
It’s been a very long time since we’ve read our normal journals and now there are so many more we’d like to add to the list. We feel lonesome for this simple act of writing as our minds sort out the details of our thoughts. Our small world has been shaken by the magnitude of how much bigger it is just by the mention of three or four hundred more journals than we might normally see in a week. So, many people ... all with points of interest and validity!
In another semi-related matter, we’ve decided to try turning a cornerstone in our life. We would like to spend less time "griping." I think we do a lot of griping about work ... and more in particular about our boss. Sometimes in our personal life, we gripe to our friend and a little even to the boys. We’d like to make amend for this kind of behavior. We know there will be things that irritate us ... it is just, we figure if there is a problem, we should be able to resolve it by maintaining a different view and attitude.
Last night was an example, and maybe a chief reason why the need to change. We were coming home to meet our friend and he’d been to the place a couple of hours ahead of us. He was doing us a favor, because he’d seen the need to clean our living room carpet before the new couches come in on Saturday. We’d been frustrated because the house has been so torn up in processing the changes and we had to go out to get us a dinner. We rarely go past our beaten path and we knew the service was slow where we were going. He’d also told us something we didn’t want to hear and we were still processing this.
But, the thing is ... if I stayed on my agenda, he was most likely going to have time spent which wasn’t going to be nice, in spite of him working so hard and helping out so considerably. So, we decided to switch focus from ourselves to him. It took us a few minutes to register a smile, but the thing is we did. We let go of all the work and other gripes, and just listened to where he was at. It turns out there was quite a bit going on in his world and he’d been feeling kind of down and out. We have the ability to lighten his load only through a little caring in the right places. He left feeling better which made us feel good.
I’d like to be doing more of that - a lot more of that.
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