Attention :)


Please also see Ann's Web Page called Multiplework

Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Updated! Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 100 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our email is Aynetal3@aol.com and our Twitter account (@aynetal3), which lists approximately 300 Multiples. Keep looking for others - they are OUT there!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sure is a nice slushy kind of morning

Oh Lordy … it’s been a week since we’ve written? What’s up with that? I just skimmed through VERY briefly what things we were talking about last time. I think the major parts were that I was still dreaming of the house and thinking that Maury and his family might be able to move in. But, we were thinking that would happen before we even found out if we could sell more than the 50 books. I’m pretty sure then we were ahead of ourselves. The second part which was much more encompassing as the week wore on was the part of looking at our genealogy. We had looked at a few pictures and had written the three paragraphs, but that was pretty much it as to last week.

To explain the genealogy part, we had next thought to look at ancestry.com. We’d done that sometime in the past, but it was too expensive. It’s like $30 a month. There is a 2 week free trial, so we signed up for that, most likely we’ll carry it a bit further, but then we’ll sign off the subscription until we have a reason to check it out more fully. We got Rich engaged in it a bit too, but until we talk further to his Mom, we might be at a standstill with his side, because it has so many dead ends. He might also talk to his aunt who might have ideas. We set up one tree for me and one for him.

Our tree short-cutted on my father’s side, but there are a few threads on my mother’s side that are still going – I last left off on having found about 400 people and I still had 130 leaves to turn over. I’m sure that some of those leaves are going to create new leaves and in the process I met our 3rd cousin! Wow that’s something. She seems to like talking like us. Hehehe her email goes by “twisted-something” so that part worries me a bit, but in general we seem to be getting along quite well. I just have to be very explicit sometime as to what our boundaries are. I think she would like me to search out my mother’s side more than psychologically would be healthy for me. So this morning I gave her the brothers and my mother’s names and approximate age and location, and after that she will be on her own.

Helen is my 3rd cousins name and we share the same great great Grandparents on my mom’s mom’s side. Her Great father Otto was my Great grandmother Bertha’s older brother. Bertha came right after Otto although Otto was born in Germany where 3 years later Bertha was born in Fondulac WI. There were 8 siblings. She told us of one story where a set of first cousins got pregnant and married, but where I considered that incest she only considered incest between the grandparents or parents. I suppose it depends on laws from state to state.

I think Helen put something in the mail for me as to stuff about relatives. I’m going to be so excited to get it. She gave me the indication to think that there was quite a bit of material. I don’t know how to thank her enough already for having been so considerate as to be doing this. Really looking forward though thinking I might have to go through some of it with Dr. Marvin. I’ll have to wait and see what is in the package. I hope there are going to be stories of relatives. I would like to know more of the families identity and if there were things that followed through most of the families that were coming out of the Wolfgram’s and beyond. I don’t think I mentioned it, but we’ve traced two families back into the 1600’s and we still have more leaves to be turning over. I’m just so very excited.

I think the ancestry stuff took over my life for 3-4 days, and then finally we stopped it very consciously. So the last 3-4 days we haven’t done much with the tree directly with the exception of just thinking about it. We know we have all those leaves and they are going to be very exciting to turn over, but we have to wait until we finish the editing work with the book. It has to be ok, that we write first in the morning, but we talked to Carolyn last night and told her we’d have the work on her desk when she came in Monday morning. I don’t want to disappoint her and I know if we don’t finish then she’s not going to be able to schedule us in and then we’ll have to wait until there is more pressure to be getting things in before Christmas.

There’s probably much more here … but we’ve been kind of drifty for the last 20 minutes. I can’t remember what we were thinking 3 minutes ago though. I think we’ll let it go … we are at one of those areas where it hurts to think about stuff that didn’t happen to us directly.

I talked to Carolyn though last night – we had tried to get a hold of Natalie first, but she left before we could make the call after we’d eaten dinner. They are like 2 hours behind us so most times I can call in time before they leave. Carolyn had just said she was thinking about us because we usually call Friday night meaning this would be our 3rd weekend that it happened. It is kinda a nice relaxed schedule. It’s right between having been working all week and then using it as a marker to start the weekend where we hope to be more productively working on the editing.

I think they would allow a little more contact, but I’m feeling a bit guilty for not going any faster. It does seem to make sense though. While we were talking to her, we recalled that we had been talking of the editing with Dr. Marvin. He thought that some of our problem might be because of the stance Dr. Woollcott has taken. Pretty much there he said that he didn’t really want to do it, but he could see how important it was to me. So, he said he would think about it. He also said that it would be fine for Dr. Marvin to do it. I don’t know if he was missing the point that we wanted input from both doctors. There was a sense of rejection from this particularly because we had helped him when he was writing a book by adding something of ourselves for the chapter he was doing for us, and then we went through many edits with him. We had hoped he would do something back for us – though not nearly so time encompassing.

He had talked about permissions and everything and we were like but WE are giving you permission that’s the big deal.

After talking to Dr. Marvin, we had come to a joint conclusion that Dr. Marvin would talk to UICs legal team and then he would write to Dr. Woollcott and tell him what he found out. I’m pretty sure that Dr. Woollcott has some idea on all that because he had been writing a book too and it was a matter with UIC that he get a signature from us saying that it was ok. So, just in case we signed a release with Dr. Marvin in preparation with that was what would be necessary.

I asked him independently what he thought of doing some writing and he had said he was actually quite excited. I can’t tell you how much that was appreciated. After telling this to Carolyn … I had heard her listening carefully and she seemed appreciative how much I’d really actually put into this over the week. It was like Yah! I’d forgotten. Hehehe how like us.

We ended the conversation kind of tired out by it. I think we told her we were on our way to a football game. She said something like looking forward to the manuscript being on her desk when she came in on Monday and we agreed to that. I very much much much want to be doing that. I’d like to see what comes next and next. We’ve gone far enough with this project to know that it is going to go through with whatever results happen. This is our story and it deserves to be told – regardless of how many people buy into reading - just need to take it a day at a time … well, ok, maybe just a little dreaming too of looking at house pictures.

Maybe we’ll do that for just a few moments.

Ok, we’ve been there done that and will probably go back to it later on. We’ve got a picture of our kitchen, dining and living room up. I think that we’d started by doing a slideshow of the pictures, and then we found ourselves looking again at the floor plans, and then we looked at furniture a bit. Primarily we were looking at girls beds in case our grandchildren wanted to move in. We’re thinking that we’d get double size bunk beds with a trundle pull-out bed. Basically, I think the two rooms will hold a double size bed, and I’d like all four girls to have one that size.

The big deal next was getting them the third bed. My thought on this is that if a girl is going to be a girl – she needs to have sleep-overs! Yup, yup that’s where we were going. It seemed they had beds like this at fairly reasonable prices. I also thought it was important to have the double size beds, because our thinking was that sometimes the girls were going to need space in their bedrooms to do their work or read or whatever. I thought with the bigger bed they could bring toys or computers up on their beds and that would be good for them. I think with mattresses and all for 4 girls plus two company it’s going to be about a $2-2400 cost and you still have to add 4 dressers to that. I didn’t check out those prices, but that would have to be part of the deal along with getting good organizers in the closet.

I think that if you were really going to need doubling two girls to a bedroom you would have to transfer over summer and winter clothes so that clothes not being used would go down in the basement in some kind of good system. I just can’t imagine how Maury’s got 4 girls in one bedroom … like where in the world are they going to put that much clothing?

Oh oh … it’s raining out. I think my sweetie is getting wet. Lucky he has white underthings so stuff doesn’t show through! It had been clearer out before, but it’s dark now. I wonder … I didn’t think about that, but we could probably take Rich’s chair out when it gets nicer and do our out loud recording from there. The weather has been really a nice temperature. I really like the smell of things coming in through the door. The trees are whistling just a bit and the traffic in the far distance is a nice whooshing sound. I’m thinking that the darker skies are like perfect for people wanting to sit in bed and read. Ok, that’ be one of our lazy parts, but just the same … it’s cozy out now. We’ve got soft background music and am enjoying the act of writing. Just feeling nice.

I might have to think about making some more coffee. We’re out and it’s about 10:30 am, so still into the drinking coffee stage. Hold on lets do that right away. Good good. We also made sure our phone was charging in case the electricity went out. We’re also charging up the headphones and iPod. I don’t know about Rich … there was a loud thunder and I’m thinking that if there is thunder they cancel the game. He said it was in Lyons so hopefully he’s coming home pretty soon.

Nothing like having a nice rainy day with your sweetie! We also backed up the computer so we don’t lose what we have. It’s really coming down cats and dogs now. He’s going to be SOAKED.

I think I’m going to jump in the shower so he can have his when he gets home to warm up.

Hmm, now it seems to have stopped raining. I don’t know if he canceled the game or not. There sure are going to be a lot of wet fans though. I wonder how many people brought their umbrellas to the stands with them.

That reminds me we had a sort of bad experience last night. Wait … I’ll post it from Linda’s letter this morning.

We DID go to the football game. We started out the night with going out to dinner. I had potato skins with bacon and cheese. It was nice! Mostly because I got to be with Rich and talk about stuff in general. I never know how we get from one thing to another, but I do love being with him. Afterward we went to the game. YAY Ann!

It was a good experience and a bad experience. We got there in time to be watching the end of the sophomore game, and then we got through to somewhere about the 3rd quarter before we broke down.

We were doing good and getting into the most perfect fall weather and just watching the game – sort of but mostly the people around us … there was so much to be seeing and thinking about, but I do remember how surreal it was and I was enjoying myself. But, then somewhere in the third quarter, a group of kids came and sat immediately in front of us. They were a part of a gang, and it got very intimidating. We knew they were a gang because of the deal with the hats turned backward. The security was very cautious of people coming in with their hats turned backward. The kids that came in front of us – immediate bench in front had to be told to turn around their hats and then later the girl grabbed the guys hat and turned in around on her head. She was a very tough kind of person. She spent her time putting braids in her boyfriend’s hair. It was a very terrible experience.

Rich was like not really paying attention because he was tuned into the game and after having gone through hundreds of games that sort of thing doesn’t really affect him. I did ok, until one of the guys got up several times and would run in back of us to around where the other part of his party was, and then he’d run back to his space in front of his girlfriend, and then that was repeated about 3 times before I really just got to freaked out. We regressed and even though Rich was still enjoying the game – the dynamics were just way over board for me. Rich helped me down the bleachers and then he had to pretty much chase me out to the car.

We weren’t able to talk at all – too regressed until after we got home. Rich had tried to talk to the younger parts that were at the game regressed by telling them that after the game we were going to stop for ice cream. That’s always a very big deal to our system, and it worked for about 3 minutes, but then we were way past gone again. We made a choice of going home rather than getting ice cream. That’s a pretty good idea of how far past things are for us. We went immediately to bed, but then I think we gave Rich a very hard time about taking our medicine … it was already past do and with all the stimulation it was way over our time. When we FINALY got past that we just laid down on the couch and fell asleep and we didn’t remember Rich waking us up to go to bed proper.

So, that was pretty much of our night … Like we said there was good and bad. The part that was most spooked didn’t seem to be very able to talk to Rich. They were like frozen and stiff – most likely than that it was a combination of Lissa and Gracie.

Ok, that’s enough of that stuff. But, I’m going to need working very hard so that it doesn’t turn out we skip opportunities just because of one bad experience. I think we disappointed Rich for not only him missing the latter part of the game, but also because we’d regressed pretty badly and weren’t able to help him out much. I can’t remember the last time we out and out refused to take our medicine, which would have helped with the anxiety. He left the room, but then came back in a couple moments and he started pulling pillows from her and saying he was going to sleep in the living room, but then someone didn’t want him sleeping without her so then the parts switched up and we were able to get up take the medicine before lying down to sleep again. We didn’t talk to him about it this morning, but when it does come up we’ll probably be scolded. * Yah, there was some crying too.

Shoot just hate that when it happens.

We’re distracting ourselves with downloading the new iTunes stuff. It’s almost 11 am now.

Hmm, we don’t know what we were talking about. Something about the house and then maybe last the game? I remember we took our shower. Maybe we should think of work for just a few moments. I know we did some productive things. We had a couple of annuals this week and then we went through all of the paperwork on our desk. That was really good and we got things put away that we’d held onto for quite a bit. We also had an administration meeting and a Thinking group.

The admin meeting was so so … I always like hearing what sister has to say about things that are going on, but I really, really hate listening to the other Q adding her run along dialogue like she has to repeat everything that sister did and then add her couple cents worth. It’s nothing personal, it’s just an annoying habit.

We try not to talk unless we have something specific to say. I wish it were like that all around. I feel like I am in a church revival.

Hmm, 22 free application downloads. We can do that. Next is going to be taking care of those 96 podcasts. That should take a couple of hours. App updates are fast and easy. There done! Whoops something more to update. It’s doing AIM again. This is what we got on the iPod. Safari, Calendar, Mail, Contacts, YouTube, Stocks, Maps, Notes, Settings, Weather, Clock, Calculator, Blog, Videos, AccelaStudy AccuFuel, Rhapsody, Photos, Music, iTunes, App store, AIM, Ambiance, AppBox Pro, Bankarama, Eat that frog, CalorieCount, CNN, Color expert, Constituition, Crossword Dictionary, Engadget, eReader, Eternity, Evernote, Excuses, EZ-30, FabricStash, Facebook, FitPhone, gFlash+, Google Earth, Google, Homeroutine, Horoscopes, I Ching, iDecide +, iGaragesale, Kindle, ledger, Loand-what if, Logmein, Mission Zero, iDisk, myPantone, My words, Notebook, NPR News, Outliner, Pinger phone, Pocket Piano, Public Radio, Puzzloop, Quilt fab, Quilt ref, Read it later, Rhapsody, Security of People and Computers, Stick it, Stitcher, Any Count, Tip, Todo, Trulia, Tweetie, What-2-Buy, White Pages, Word Wizard, World Traffic, Yahtezze Adv., Yellow pages, Zip finder, and Fitness.

Pswhoo. That’s kinda a lot, but I’m sure others have even more.

I have to admit that since we got the Evo, we’ve been using that more than the iPod. Well, we still use the iPod, but it’s more for listening to podcasts and Rhapsody. We can also use it for a back up book for Kindle, but find when we sit down to read at home on the phone Kindle, we keep her plugged in and running on full. It is nice though to get into bed and not really have to worry about a cord, though often there too we plug her in. It’s very pleasurable being with Rich both facing the foot of the bed where the light is and he’ll be reading his library book and we’ll be reading from the Kindle. It’s sweet! Just when he gets done he wants us BOTH to go to sleep. We tell him to turn off the light because we have a lighted background on our book. He’s always grumbly when I don’t go to sleep at the same time. He’s usually right though … a few moments after he falls asleep we’re falling asleep to and he has to get up and make sure we turn around in the bed proper. That’s just Rich though. He’s a really nice guy. Oh, perhaps we’ve mentioned that Hehehe.

AHA! Rich is home now. It’s about 11:30 am. I was hoping he’d come home soon.

He didn’t finish the game because of the rain, but they cancelled it after the rain went through so that was surprising for him. It was thundering and lightening so they had to pause the game. We talked a bit and I was right while we were watching him take off his game stuff he told us so like are we going to talk about last night. Then I knew I was in for it. He doesn’t really yell, but it does sound pretty much like a lecture and we don’t like to go through it. We try to explain ourselves and then he says something like, ok this is going to happen, I was having a good time, we could have moved somewhere different, but that we didn’t have to rush off because I’m supposed to stay old enough to handle stuff. But, it was terrible, but he was saying there wasn’t any real problem, but we’re thinking … terrible.

So now he’s watching TV and eating lunch. He liked to watch old shows. He’s watching M-Squad or something like that. It takes place in Chicago and he caught my attention and replayed the part where 17 women get out of this little van. It was kind of funny. BUT, then we told him we were writing and that watching TV in the middle of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon should be criminal! It’s our best time of the week to write. We can do ok with the television in the background, but we wished he wasn’t watching it. One because your ears are drawn to the sound and the second because he could be doing something better he wouldn’t have to feel guilty for afterward.

Yeeks! Ok, anyway.

We should say that we listened to at least 3 quilting podcasts this week. We got two of Sandy’s quilting with the rest of us, and one of the lady who does the Off-Kilter Quilter. They are both my favorites right now. It doesn’t seem that Darla is recording at all or she would be one of my favorites. Hmm! It seems she did one on the 23rd of August … maybe I haven’t listened to that one yet. My last podcast was on the 17th. Oh man that’s like a month from yesterday. Yeeks!

Maybe we’ll do a lighter one right after we finish the editing.

We also talked to Emily and Linda and CS. I’m not saying much there, but I’m not sure if we’re going to get together this next month, because CS isn’t better yet.

I think her holding herself back is affecting what she has coming up. Emily said that she’d like her to build more strength so she can handle the Quilting Retreat in November. I think it’s the weekend before Thanksgiving.

The thing about these guys is that it reminds us that we haven’t done quilting for quite a bit. I was thinking that if the others didn’t go to CS for that weekend that I might try it. I’m afraid of it because we get frustrated so easy with lack of progress. We talked to CS on the way home yesterday. It was discouraging. She seems to be settling that she’s going to be bed-ridden the rest of her life and she’s not going to expect much of herself and that she has to do a lot less stress. So I don’t really know what to do with that. She just lives at home, doesn’t talk to anyone and recently isn’t even quilting … where is the stress?!

I did for the sake of argument confirm with her that I presented stress. She tried to take it as a good stress that someone would worry over her, but that’s not really the way I wanted it to go. I don’t want her to get comfortable that I’m in any way going to “take care of” or “coddle” the parts of her that aren’t at 100%.

It is not that I’m without sympathy, I just hate the thought that she’s not trying very hard. I asked her about Nathan and she stated that he hadn’t been around much, and then I asked about Mark and she said HE wasn’t around much and they hadn’t been talking much. She doesn’t understand she’s not got anything to add to the conversation. You can’t be in charge if all the other moments you are helpless.

So, ok, that’s enough of my grumbling there. It’s just a hard thing.

We talked to Rich and I think we’re going to work it out so that I get to take my chair out where it would be more comfortable and then he wouldn’t have to move, but I might be too loud for him. He said something about going to get his oil changed, so he’ll be gone a little bit, but not too much. I really did like to be out doors yesterday. I always like fall temperatures. He said that we’ve got to wait a few more moments though because he heard thunder and he wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to rain again. I suppose that makes sense. Just that I’m not starting. I think his show is just ending so maybe it’s going to be a good transition time?

Hmm, maybe not … it was just a commercial break.

Wouldn’t it be soooo cool to build a house? Maybe it’s time I do another slide show. Ahh! How nice that was. I’m not in my imagination trying to imagine me saying no Maury … you and your girl DON’T get the master bedroom. That would be like writing on the wall.

No comments:

Post a Comment