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Monday, September 6, 2010

This and that and Summary of Abuse Statement

Brought over from 8-25-10

Good morning … this is me again. I had a little so I thought I’d continue my thoughts as to the conversation that happened last night. I’d last posted you a copy of the Autobiographical chart for Multiples. It has 47 writers on it though sometimes the writers had other people that assisted them in getting their thoughts written out. And, then before that I’d written thoughts leading up to the conversation that I’d talked to my mother. This was actually a very nice conversation. I haven’t given this much information about me ever, and although I think she has to struggle a bit to understand it, she does seem appreciative for having it.

At the end of the call I did say that I expect the publisher to call back by about 2-4 pm on Friday so that if she could make a decision by then it would be appreciated – that of course meaning making a decision whether or not to fund the project. I thought it was fair that she be given some time to read – though I don’t believe it has to be read in its entirety to make a decision. I’m thinking that because she’s read or is just finishing up on the second chapter, that she’s got plenty to go on as to it being a viable book or not.

I haven’t done too much analysis of the situation yet. I don’t think I’m going to be able to recall fully what was said. It did seem like she was excited though somewhat confused. Her first statement was something like … it didn’t read like fiction or non-fiction. I would have to agree … the work reads much more like a diary in that there are entries that start and stop after a given day or amount of time writing. She hadn’t picked up the few clues I’d sent her via email … so I couldn’t help that situation. I don’t understand not having access to cell phone or email, OR the Internet. That would drive me bonkers. I would feel as if my right arm were cut off. In this respect I consider my Mother and John to be like going back in time. Sometimes they surprise by what they do keep up on, but I think majority of that is that they watch the news.

Hmm, that was a thought. Rich said something after we got off the phone that it had been after 10 pm. I’m not sure when we started the call, but we must have been off yesterday, because it hadn’t seemed very late at all. She wasn’t sleeping so that seemed to work out ok.

The first thing was in getting through. John had answered the phone. We said hellos and all, but the main thing was that we wanted to make sure the book had gotten there. He wasn’t sure if it had come Monday or Tuesday, but for sure it was done and she said my mother had been reading. I felt some security in that because I hadn’t sent the extra insurance on it due to cost and we were eager to get some kind of reaction.

I don’t know what kind of expectations they had. I think it’s much more formalized like a book then they might have thought. By this I just mean that it’s printed nicely, has a cover, table of contents and double columns on each page. All the chapter and subtitles are done in a print that stands out a bit and they are put in bold print and spaced correctly. I don’t know what is going to happen in a manuscript format. When and we finally get to sending it to the publisher it will most likely have to be in a certain style, one column and double-spaced. People can do a lot now with computers, so they could manage anything be sent, but I’m thinking that they will have specifications to standardize the work they receive.

Getting back to my mother though … we wanted to try and help her understand things a little better. She seemed to be having trouble in that she didn’t have enough information about the parts and she seemed to want and figure all that out right away. I don’t think this is going to be easy. If you haven’t thought about multiplicity before, it can be a little daunting because concepts of communication and context are so different. We are of course used to ourselves and the way we think and we think there is fluidity in our thought patterns, but I don’t know how we appear to a regular reader, and then to a not regular mother situation.

I trust that she’s read enough books in her lifetime to understand reading it for the “book-like” qualities. But, unlike a regular book the characters are all coming in strangely and it isn’t necessarily true that what we write sitting down the first time is going to be picked up again anytime soon by the next part or even the same part. We seem to jump around in our thoughts. One of her thoughts expressed was that maybe it would be a book not for the regular reading audience, but for people in education or the medical-psychology branch. I think this was a way to say that it might have been difficult for her. I don’t know if she’s read many books on psychological themes such as with the formal disorders or disabilities. If not it would really then be a case of jumping in.

We told her that later in the book somewhere we remember to put in our brief descriptions of the parts and where they fit in in our life. I had by then already written this out when we were writing something for Dr. Woollcott, but it seemed in a lot of ways after we wrote it down … we could put it away. For the most part if you were to stop and ask us which part we were we’d be able to give you a response, or we might say well when we talked about this such and such a part was there, or then that part switched when this conversation came up. But the truth of the matter is that we disregard even that quite a bit by this time. We talked a lot more about the different parts at the beginning of our writing in 2003, but apparently we’d come far enough with Dr. Marvin that even that’s not required.

He really supports that we talk from whichever part, but he’s going to respond to whoever is out – though sometimes he will say someone else had been out and had said … whatever. But, Dr. Marvin has never really even learned the parts names. He probably went over the sheet and still maintains a copy, but it’s not required to know the parts to talk and be with us. I think mostly it comes out in our abilities and thought patterns at the time. Like I know whoever sews hasn’t been out in like a week, because the parts that do more of the writing thoughts have dominated the stage this last week. I tried to clue my mother into doing as Dr. Marvin might and just read what was in front of her and not worry too much about the switching though I don’t know if that’s good advice either because the switching is the part that most might be interested in. Not sure.

Let’s see what other thoughts as to that? I think it was one of the more fluid conversations that we ever had. It’s still a big deal to have her knowing so much about me. I think that Dr. Marvin is going to be pretty excited. He’ll say something like, “so how’s all that for you?” While he’s saying it I’m pretty sure he’s going to be smiling brightly. Hehehe he’s such a funny guy. I never did meet a person who seemed to be more generally happy, but still in tune.

I did convey to my mother that there wouldn’t be too many big surprises coming up in that I don’t ever go into a lot of description or conversation as to the former abuses. As they might relate to my thoughts … sure periodically it comes up, but it’s not a major thing. I believe she was relieved about that part.

There was one other thing we should remember from this conversation. She was probably more surprised than I would have guessed because of the amount quality and quantity of things we think about. At one point she felt sorry for us because we’d said that we think all the time. Like when do you get a break … like why? Why would we want a break? I mean if we’re tired we sleep, but even when we rest to sit with Sweetie and massage/watch TV with him it’s a very thought out situation.

We know that it is good to be with him an hour or two at a time within touch distance. If it’s the TV that we do it through then that’s something that just has to happen. Other than CNN if we have choice to sit down and turn on the TV first, but about 95% of the TV choices are made by Rich. The 5% is just the groaning we do if he’s going to watch something that will disturb our focus and concentration too much.

Ok, we’re not sure now why we went from one thing to another, but this is the note that just went out to Dr. Marvin.

Morning Dr. Marvin,

We're having a lot of stuff happening and there will be plenty to talk about tomorrow ... Over the last couple of days this chart squeaked out of us somehow - the attachment. I don't think you are ever surprised what our minds do to occupy their time. I don't know why things like this get done, but do nonetheless. Its part of what we will want to talk about tomorrow, though by then this will probably take another jump in our thoughts. Basically the process started from wanting to know what was out there by other multiples who had written about themselves. This list of 47 people is pretty comprehensive of the field or at least that which has gone through Amazon.

We took product descriptions which are not always accurate, but as close as we can get to figuring out the books without reading them. Rich says - NO PURCHASING - I'm supposed to use the library. I might need a card, but have so little time for reading. Anyway I then put the books in order using Amazon's ranking of them from the top purchased book to the least ... these numbers range from Sybil at 24,000 some and the 47th book at 8 million some. I was trying to figure out how many books have to get sold to move up on the list, but the closest was someone a while ago who had said for when they were at 7.5 million individual titles being sold - to get to the top 2 million you would have to sell 50 books in the year. Eh, it's a number. The number we’re using as our anchor is that now 2,280 people have subscribed to our podcast in our last 2 months … that medium is less known and there are probably more multiples than quilter’s that look out for these kinds of resources. So we’re hoping … we know at Amazon you only get 10% of your book so that a $25 book means $2.50 and if we multiplied that over 2,280 then we would have made $5700 … with that I could pay off my mother and be on our way in putting together new house money. That is a good goal, right? I don’t need a picket fence, but a yard would be nice. We told Rich if we become Rich and famous … we’re going to buy OUR house and if he WANTS, he can come with us Hehehe.

Anyway, we then figured out the range of years for our chart and came up with a short paragraph to describe the book and then we even broke that down to one line, but that was too limiting. It did give us ideas on categorization so it was a good step. Then, we did this chart by first going over our condensed information, but then a second time going back through the regular Amazon descriptions to see if we could more completely fill in the chart. The above is what happened. It's not a perfect record, but it's pretty good. Just not sure what, but know that we want to do something more with it.

I think the bottom line is that we wanted to know and understand "the competition" or the “club” whichever - I wanted to check for generalities. Like now I know that the goal for at least 25% of the books was for the multiple to end in integration. There are different support co-writers for half of the multiples. There seems to be about a zillion ways to think of having parts, but in general the stories seem to follow the plot where multiple has some terrible barely mentionable horror that happens to her as a young child and then the person either alone or with some kind of therapist go through this path where something improves and then the multiple writes that she wants to be basically an inspiration to others. In this manner it's all pretty generic.

So the idea is with this kind of knowledge and much more that can be gleaned from the small research I did ... basically how that affects how I present myself. As to the first 7 years ... nothing I can do, but I can 1) step back and appreciate and 2) I can set up some connections here during the start of the 8th year in figuring out stuff between multiples who write about themselves. I never did want to do a big study and it would take time away from other things, but this is the nice part. I don't have to solve the whole multiplicity situation, I can though appreciate some general thoughts and then in the thoughts in your and our relationship. You have always been very wonderful in not sensationalizing our situation. We're thinking our new favorite title for the first book would be:

Ann's Multiple World of Personality: Regular No Cream No Sugar

Other than the fact I'm most often holding a cup of coffee, I generally and with much emphasis want to state that my material is just day to day living with being us. I'm not writing a big story of my terrible past. It comes up sometimes, but like in my sessions with you, doesn't have to be startled through or re-traumatized.

Over the course of time, my thoughts have come in and out of some kind of framework. Based on general life and the structure you've worked through with me ... my scaffolding ... we've progressed multiplicity ... maybe not as much as let's tell the horrible story of how I came to be - sensationalized, but more the day to day turning of our minds from one set of thoughts and priorities over another. The work is much less then like a novel, and more like something that a good young psychiatrist could take a good long time to figure out. I think that in this respect, I would much more like to think one day of being read by some of your residents and then hear their comments :) I envy you for this.

Ok, maybe jumping ahead of ourselves, but as you might guess we've really jumped into the writing/publishing band wagon over the last couple of days. I think that the lady I talked to at the publishing company is going to call me back Friday afternoon. In the meantime, I sent a copy of the first book to my mother. We talked through a couple of hard spots, but in general I called to give her a check up call last night and she's just finishing up the second chapter. I will naturally be VERY interested in going through this kind of stuff with you. In the meantime I asked her to think before Friday afternoon when Natalie calls back whether she would like to sponsor the project. Somehow there seems some redemption in this. We'll know eventually.

Our best,

Ok, now we are pretty lost and confused. We don’t know where we are anymore. We did talk to sister a bit … she’s handling some prejudice in the staff so she’s not happy about that. It’ a good thing to be aware of in talking to them, but in general I don’t have to be over-concerned – as long as they are upfront with us in dealing with things. Or, I should say if things came up, we’d be pretty comfortable in handling it. I think I’m aware of people being different, but we focus more on close mindedness and stereotyping. We’re not going to let that kind of thing go unchecked. I think how Ann runs is pretty generic as to staff.

This morning one came in and handed me a handful of papers, I said what’s this … and she said it had something to do with the second sister. I looked down and there was a poor copy of something … the staff said you have to do something with it in the next 9 minutes. Yeah like right … here’s your papers that’s about as much as I want to know about that! It was a gentle take your stuff and leave, but I feel about as good about chain mail as anything else Yeeks! Told her I didn’t have the time.

Ok, Ann what comes next? What are we supposed to be doing? I’ve got staff training this afternoon and sister asked about it … I suppose the stubbornness continues from both sides. I told her we were supposed to go over the new computers and then she said if you were going over the strategy stuff that she’d like to be there. I know it is pretty touchy, so we’ll set aside a time maybe the first week of the new month to go through that with first her and then admin, and then staff. That seems to be the safest way to handle it.

So ok now … how are we going to progress? Did we ask that already? I’d like to turn the chart over, but not sure how yet. Basically, we want to be able to analyze it, but are unsure how to do that yet. Maybe what we are looking at here is breaking down the range. We’ve already sorted most of it by columns such as drama or hook or stated abuse. Now which ways are they similar and which ways different. Ok, we’re going to be bold and look at what the chart tells us. BBS.

Man … this is the statement we came to develop from the statements made on abuse by the multiples in the 47 books.

This is what multiples are saying to people if they spoke together...

Childhood abuse can be extreme, psychological, sexual, physical, emotional, ritual, and violent.

Children who grow up to be multiples have often been abused, traumatized, assaulted, raped, neglected, victims of incest, and kept in line as “women.”

Abuse situations can also involve beatings by hand or with whips and belts, being held at gunpoint, cleansed with chemicals, and could entail the occult. Childhood abuse is the face of tragedy and is Hellish, dysfunctional, willful, humanly depraved, nightmarish and insane.

Victims suffer from these punishments and are left to feel terror, horror, absolute powerlessness and hopelessness; they suffer from being degraded, bullied, tortured, mutilated, and humiliated. Children feel angry, bitter, shamed, afraid, and sad, in pain and although they may try to deny, they remember.

Ok, this was hard … we stopped thinking about it by thinking of Staff training. I made a plan for that, but then Sr. called back to remind me that it was only Wednesday … I think I need to talk to Dr. Marvin enough that we were willing it to be. This last set of thoughts needs to go somewhere … it’s a strong statement. I need to put it somewhere safe. Maybe we will post and then come back to something a bit different.

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