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Friday, September 24, 2010

Wondering and worrying and trying not to be dismayed

Good morning this is me. We’re a little sluggish this morning. I think the pattern is when we are warm we get sleepy. So, I opened the window and there’s a breeze coming in. It’s kind of the kinda day where it may or may not rain every now and again and the ground stays wet. We had our windshield wipers coming on and off on the drive here.

We talked to one of the DSPs for a few moments this morning; she kept coming back having a little more and a little more to say. She’s my favorite DSP right now. Just have to remember not to talk to her after 2:15 pm. I think that was something that had bothered her because she was trying to get out the door. It was my fault for not paying attention. Not much of anything, but something I have to take note of.

We had a staff training meeting yesterday afternoon. I don’t think it was one of the best. Basically, sister had told me she wanted to improve the DSPs work on planners and Chrononotes, and so that’s what we did, but some became defensive and wanted to have the meeting go differently than not. I wasn’t upset. I had figured beforehand what was going to happen, but I can tell the difference in not having had a meeting with them for a while, because it’s a matter of reinserting yourself as the authority figure. I won’t go into the details, because it will point someone out, but in general what I did was to have them each bring in their planner and then pass to the right. One didn’t even pass. We talked about the affect of their words on the sheet and the relevance to the person coming in to teach from their planner.

Some wanted to insert that they wouldn’t teach from the others planner anyway, but that wasn’t a good excuse for not doing one appropriately. I walked up front to see if sister was in. I will tell her about the meeting, but at the moment, Rosa said she was out at the Teacher’s Store. It’ll wait. For the most part though I would mark the meeting confrontational from some, but I’m thinking that’s sort of how things are going. I think it’s affecting the mindset of some of the other DSPs and that’s not such a hot idea, because the next thing is that people are thinking they don’t want to stay, and then you get the ones causing more grief to stay and the one who understands the program to leave. I don’t know … we’ll talk to sister.

I think that Rich is coming in today because he said he might be here about 9:30 am. It’s 10 to 10 now. He generally runs late unless he has a specific appointment. My big thing of the day will be to do the Thinking Group at 1 pm, and then we’ll be leaving.

As to Dr. Marvin last night, we talked primarily about the book and all the processes associated with that. He still doesn’t have an answer from the legal department, but he felt confident he would talk to them in the next day or two. It’s still planned for him to talk to Dr. Woollcott afterward, but he’s thinking Dr. Woollcott isn’t so much under the UIC umbrella. I’ve been holding back. I don’t want to push him unnecessarily, because if he’s going to write it has to come from his heart … not that someone was bullying him … IF he could be put in that sort of spot. Usually psychiatrists have some of the firmest boundaries.

I’m going to try remembering what Dr. Marvin said. There was one thing we’ve been remembering … he had made some kind of statement that this book was the right thing to do at this time. So we called him on it and asked why or how could he make that statement. His primary answer was to say … Because you are passionate about it.

And, then we were like, hmm, didn’t think about that is that part of the deal? I guess it is. I have to look at things as they come to me. It didn’t really occur to me that other than the authority of Dr. M, that I was justified to be the way I am or doing the things that I’m doing. It occurred to me that maybe this is something – the passion – that happened to other people who really did make a nice living and were able to produce a little more capital in their life.

Dr. Marvin didn’t think I was off base, because we were not set in stone, but at the planning processes where we could allow dreams to show up. I think in there was something of flexibility in that just because you have a dream it doesn’t mean that is going to happen, but it is a direction and course you set for yourself.

We thought out loud with him over our years. We thought of being young and just trying to survive until we got to be 18. There wasn’t a lot of control, but yet we were doing things with the social, academic and sports so that you could say we were planning out a bit of direction for ourselves. I didn’t know that we were going to be able to get into college, but then I didn’t know we wouldn’t. I had planned to that and that was really the only choice, so I felt lucky when a school accepted me due to my test scores and then offered me financial aid. It was like ok … that was all good.

I’m afraid I was overly dependent when it came to finding a boyfriend. I for the record didn’t go out looking. I was picked-up and then it seemed natural for that to continue for the next 3 years even though I was out of the country for a semester. When we ended up pregnant, it wasn’t that we planned on it, but it wasn’t as if we didn’t. My ex said he didn’t believe in birth control, and I didn’t offer any different of an opinion. I really hadn’t thought all those kinds of things out, and I didn’t have family that you could discuss those kinds of things.

There was a big deal marrying the person I did because his family had a lot to do with our marriage. That still has not been figured out, but I don’t miss that whole entire situation. To me though the kids were like an extension of my interests in that I had found the most useful subject to be studying was human development. If I had stayed at school I would have accepted the invitation to work for the head of the history department, but as it was … I was just leaving.

Four years later all three boys were born and then we went through the beginning of our mental stability problems. It’s hard to tell from my past compared life growing up with family in comparison to troubles from my husband; it’s just that at the end it wasn’t supportive; it was rather unsupportive in an aggressive manner. My ex had fallen in love with someone else while married and he wanted out. I’m no one to criticize because then I did it too. I fell in love with someone who was married. Again, I didn’t make the choice he presented himself to me. My choices were though, I didn’t stop either relationship. There might have been attempts, but they weren’t strong enough in comparison for the parts who wanted to be in relationships. Where my ex used the mental illness to dissociate me from his life, Rich got to know us with the mental illness and always pushed what I could do with myself regardless. It’s really a matter of two completely different kinds of guys.

I guess the reason to bring it up here at this time was that … I had made a choice to better understand people with my degree. I remember having a young dream of becoming a doctor of human development. There was always a dream then to go back.

I’ve always had the dreams of being in a relationship and I can’t say that I’ve exhausted the desire to be married. When I finally did go back to school especially with the masters – I had a dream again of being someone very knowledgeable, but I lost sight of that when Dr. Marvin cut down our sessions so severely and Rich moved in. Both took a lot of emotional strength from me.

The dream to write and one day be published started at the age of 10. I had wanted to write a story and I still remember now how important that thought was to me that I wanted it to be something that explained some part of my feelings and thoughts.

I don’t know if all that was conscious, but it was something strong enough never to have forgotten. Part of having the dream of being in a relationship was having the security of a house. I thought one just came with the other. Sometime recently Rich talked about him getting the house and we questioned him more about it. He had been talking to his banker son and they had looked at some buildings that were being foreclosed for $30-40,000 somewhere about Brookfield.

Well you can imagine how crashing that might have appeared to us. In one line of thinking we are touched that Rich is trying to plan for our security, but then on the other hand, we would never be satisfied with the decision to live in one of the two bedroom small homes of Brookfield. That is just not happening. As to dreaming – I’ve been through the fixit-up lifestyle and I know that Rich is less than a fix-it up kinda guy than my ex and it was hard enough to get him to do what needed to be done. Anything in the way of the house I want to live in seems a distortion on my life.

Hmm, I wonder if this disqualifies doctor Marvin’s thought that I could be reasonable and practical about my dreams. I remember going over with him again … I just don’t understand passing so many thousands of houses when we go out and that all those people figured out how to do it, but we weren’t going to be able to do it. That just seems insane. When we talk about a dream in this light it seems like stepping out of a nightmare. We had gotten the impression long time ago that Rich would not be able to meet my wants because he would always be funding his ex. But, then again there is something else.

It seems that in the past I waited and supported, but primarily waited for my ex to do whatever to supply a house for us. I didn’t ask for much I just got by on whatever he gave us. But, this time in our dreams I’m thinking its ME who wants to get out of debt and have a house. And, I want it to be this writing that helps me get there. Does that make sense in general? I mean why do people work so hard to live in their houses if it weren’t important? It seems as if both Rich and my dream has come and go, but I’m not handling that well. I still want my chance.

Maybe because we were forced out about 13 years ago and haven’t been happy with our living situation ever since – maybe that is part of the will driving us forward. I remember sitting there talking to Dr. M. last night and we’d lead ourselves back to sitting in the loft overlooking our space with the sewing machine. Somehow that’s become the epitome of who we are or would like to be. It’s hard to get in that person’s head. I guess it’s like a spreading of her arms encircling her home and thinking this is all mine because of me and life is good and plentiful.

One of the other things we talked about was Rich’s negativity. I’m not sure how all that came about, but it bothers me a lot that he holds such a neglect of positive thoughts and dreams. He has a hard time seeing past the next fishing outing to the next. He can plan ahead for his fall trip, his February trip, and his June Canada trip, but there isn’t anything in-between except his thoughts of work, and reality of play. We know he’s going to be going fishing and playing cards and golfing, and sometimes he will take us out to dinner, but other than that there’s a lot of time at home in front of the TV, resting up his strength to go out again.

I’m not diminishing that Rich works, because he does. He does stuff during the day – not all the time, but some of the time and he does a lot of ball games. And, Rich works at home. Last night, I folded and put away clothes, cleaned off the surfaces in the bedroom, living room and kitchen and I did the dishwasher and cleaned up in the bathroom. He vacuumed the floors, fixed the cabinets and worked on the cat smells, and he also is the one responsible for getting groceries and cooking and paying bills. See it’s not that Rich doesn’t work, because he does.

But, he’s getting to a stage in his life where if he doesn’t get time to play – like go out on the boat, then it makes the rest of it hard to swallow. He doesn’t have the dreams of a younger man. He had those at the time, he got him house and took care of his family, but now he doesn’t want to do it all over again.

Lately, since Joe and Cari got married and I had sent them pictures, I had started getting advertisements for engagement rings. So I started to send them to Rich.

Ok, Rich I have this dream I don’t know what is going on in your mind to stop it, but it is and you make me feel I’m running into a brick wall. So, if you can’t appease me there and you can’t appease me in a house, then I have to try and do it. Of course, along that path are also the doubts. What would happen to me emotionally if I weren’t to see it as a possibility? I know that Rich tries to take those thoughts from my head and tries to help me settle for so much less, but It just can’t be fair. I don’t want to settle for less. I know what it felt like to have the realtor come over and know that the house was going to happen. I know those feelings.

I just don’t understand how he could have put himself in such a situation that over half of his money was going to someone who refuses to work. I’m sorry that’s how it always seems to me. I think that is partly why I want to do this house on my own. I don’t want it part of his estate that is tied up on the other side. I want clearance so that when I’m gone, like Bud, Rich will be taken care of – able to stay wherever, but after that … the money goes to my sons. They are not asking for that, but it was always a dream – I know another one that I leave them something.

If I could give each a hundred thousand, I would think that enough. Sure more would be better, but man … wouldn’t it be nice to provide for them like that? I would know that each had opportunities to live in a house. That is what that dream would buy me.

We talked last night between Dr. M. and me of the grandchildren living four in a bedroom. That just seems insane. I kept repeating – they are girls, girls are not meant to be cooped up like that. We ran our ideas through that if we got a house the value of fixing $60,000 extra in the house to make it livable for 8 people instead of handing Maury the money. But, I told him I just don’t see it. Maybe it is greedy of me to want the family living with us and that might be a control issue, but then there’s the other part. Maury won’t learn on his own how to take care of himself unless forced to try. I don’t want it to be like now where there are no real options because they make so little money together and they both seem to have debt. The only way it seems fair is that they put out the effort to save money for a home and pay off debt. It wouldn’t work to hand them the money, and then in the meantime beside my maternal feelings of helping out, I would have put a $60,000 investment into my home. That is the real practical part of it. I think that is fair for putting up with family for four years. Joe pointed out it would never last that long and maybe it wouldn’t even last past a summer, but then I think of others and I believe it is common for people now days to be living together with the extended family.

I know … lots of eggs out there, but I think this is how you build a dream. You make it so real that there is nothing to do, but work toward it.

Yesterday, Carolyn and we had a nice conversation. I talked a little about that yesterday before going to Dr. Marvin’s. I think a big part of the conversation was that we were talking about the benefits to moving from one package level to the second. She was very sure that the marketing package improvement was substantial, plus the addition of the Kindle book and the hard cover really made a different. The way I look at it 15 soft books and 10 hard cover would cost $550 and that what

we would owe and that is how much is coming back free to us with the better package, so it just makes sense.

There there … I just talked to Carolyn again. She is heading into a meeting now so didn’t have time to talk, but we passed on the communication about Julie. Julie does some kind of writing and editing for court so when she offered to do some reading for us, we jumped on it. I just sent her the manuscript and she’s received it now. She’s on California time and has friends coming over tonight, but she said she’d start on it bright and early. I’m so excited that she’s going to do this.

She says she’s a quick reader. I’m not sure if she’s going to read it from start to finish, but she said she’d call me when she was finished. I let her know if she just looked at it for a couple hours it would be fine. I really don’t want to consume all the time she has over the weekend, but this is just such incredibly good fortune smiling on us. Carolyn said she was going to send it in for proof, but that we’d do much better to edit it first. She says that a couple days either way wasn’t going to matter so now the thing to do will be to sit and wait.

Part of it being Julie that will be doing the editing is that she’s a Marine Mom who well matches if not exceeds the enthusiasm of Vickie and me. I know Julie through Vickie and Vickie and Julie work together on a Marine Mom project on Facebook. They get together with people and do really good things for Marines and they do a lot of praying. Couldn’t be more excited to get her enthusiasm
Oh Lordy … we’re going to need to calm down. Pswhoo! That ought to help, we told Vickie and she says that Julie helps her a lot and that she is very good.

As to other things - I’m not sure where we left off, but I’m thinking we left something hanging. Hmm, I know I think we were going to talk about the marketing process. I believe that Carolyn is going to send us some material after she gets out of her meeting. It’s going to be about the differences between the two packages. I want as much detail as I can get on what I’m receiving.

We’re being interrupted by thoughts as to moving glass table. Joe is worrying that 3 men can’t do it because he doesn’t know rich’s strength, and my sister is saying that Mark and Nathan can’t help. We just sent her a note and said ask neighbor or Nathan’s friends. She’s just like … can’t do it … rich will have to handle it, but he won’t have to then bring it upstairs. Like yah! Just a few inches from trailer into garage is as far as she goes. Nathan can get his guys together later to move it to kitchen. I was telling Rich that we could use as option to leave trailer there for when Nathan came back, but Rich said you can’t just take it one way, and then he said maybe he could hire a couple kids from the hardware store. So, maybe something like that would work. Rich was right the second time in that I told him you could do it, but it would cost money. He then agreed to that rather than not. It would cost $154 to drop in West Bend.

Hmm, I’m going to have to go in a minute, what progress made above. Maybe just that you remind me after getting back to the keyboard that we should look into some of the marketing as well as the package. My take on it now is that they are going to give us something to read, and then we can ask their person Maria questions, but that the books aren’t going to walk themselves to the store on their own. My idea on all that is that we have to go from one book store to another, and we will be consigning the books. I’m not sure about the part of even spending the extra $650 for book insurance. Carolyn seemed to be saying that that money might be needed to buy books for the consignment, or otherwise work on online sales. There’s going to be a whole lot to learn, but I’m thinking we’re going to do whatever it takes.

But for now … we are getting closer to the weekend. Not sure what to do while Julie is reading the book. It’s like what else is left? Maybe what we could do though is start the next book? Hmm, stranger things have been known to happen … it’s going to take some time. Might as well get started. I will have tonight while Rich is at a game, and then tomorrow morning, and then Sunday. There shouldn’t be too much we have to write about. Hmm, anything we have to do from here? Better get this posted.

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