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Saturday, October 2, 2010

It's one of those very nice Saturdays writing, but need to get back to edits!

Good morning … this is me. It’s Saturday morning and we’re just getting around to things a little after 7 am. We woke up earlier with the kitties, but then went back to bed. It wasn’t a real sound sleep because without fishy man shagging us to bed we tend to fall asleep in the living room with the TV on.

As to how the week went? All I can say about this point is that it’s about through and we figure we’re really starting of the next. It seemed there was a lot of the time that was stressed out in trying to communicate with CS. I think from where we last left off … I had decided not to go to WI today and CS was asking why don’t we ask her as to how she was doing an if she would be receptive to guests. There were quite a few long correspondences back and forth. I’m not sure if I could do justice by paraphrasing. So I think I will copy and paste our comments.

This is them – I’ll save her privacy by not including her comments back. Pretty much I think you’ll be able to get from our responses the general gist of things.

CS.,

I understand that you like company, but nothing has been planned for next weekend and I believe Emily, Dee and Linda have other plans. I have been trying to watch your progress and it feels confusing because of mixed messages. You skipped the first ten days in September from writing although you had said you were getting better. Then you wrote again 4-5 days later saying you had at least thought of sewing enough to walk into the sewing room. I little after that you had gone to church and cleaned windows to add structure to your life and then later you blame Mark for “making” you do the work. You pushed it by doing too much work, and then said later you only did a few fingerprints. You then acknowledged that you weren’t really getting sewing done. Emily said she was hoping you’d build your endurance now so you could make it for the quilting retreat.

I was happy you have begun showing interest past your illnesses by commenting on the book, ancestry and about getting the new furniture. You said the house was in the worst shape ever, but then later you appeared to have cleaned. I’m not sure whether you did the right amount of cleaning or were over too much. I did let you know that I saw no problems in your ability to keep a clean house. It’s not really one of those things I’m overly concerned with. I was concerned with the call in that you were giving the impression that you were basically changing your life expectations, because you had no control over your condition. But other times you do show control often it’s this 0-100 change of speed, so that you over do things after not having been doing them steady and regular and so then again need the recovery. It has to be gradually built up and developed.

You asked in your last note about being “kept from your sewing.” Nothing is keeping you from sewing except yourself. We had just heard you weren’t doing much of it. This last note says you had been doing too much for Mark at the church, but when I stated earlier you went from 0 to 100 mph, you changed the story to say you had just cleaned a few fingerprints and that you had pushed yourself. This idea of who or what is causing you stress which you state is the problem with your fibro. You have been saying Mark and the church causes you stress, but then when I pushed you to being out of bed it was me that was causing you stress. I don’t claim to know who in your house does what to each other, especially as to waiting on one another. In general my hunch is that you both depend on each other. When I’m there I too begin to depend on Mark bringing home Milky Ways. If you were up to speed you normally would have talked to the twins, Emily, Dee, Linda and I to see if it were happening. It appears you are out of communication with people though you say you are ready. It just doesn’t show through.

For the record we did not talk to Mark about your medical issues. We asked how he thought you were doing. This is a general question. I hate to think you are going to take it out on Mark because I wanted his opinion of how he saw things progressing, which is a fair question to ask someone living with you who loves you, but I cans see this translate for you that he is keeping you from your friends and family. This isn’t a conspiracy. We had talked once between us about the sewing weekend, nothing came of it and I wasn’t sold on the idea. We agree that now it should be brought up again since it is next weekend. I am hearing from both of you and Mark that it is one day up and then 2-3 days down. I figure if I was stressing you from a phone conversation and these kinds of notes, that I would certainly cause you stress if I were up there. I know I’m very strong willed and you know what I think about over-doing the parts where you are so sick you can’t get out of bed, but you can watch TV. My idea is if your up you should be up and doing things like regular shower and meals, this includes being dressed and scheduling sleep for the proper times WHATEVER you work out between you and Mark. I think you can do more. It’s confusing again you are saying you are being pushed to go to church, but you had acknowledged it was only you that over worked, but it wasn’t overwork it was just a few fingerprints and it had been your choice.

There are not only physical problems involved here there are mental things going on as well. I could see it is a good sign that you want people over, but there is a mental strain as well. Similar to the question if you overworked at church, is the question of you overworking to get things ready. We continue to hear you worry if your house is clean enough. It’s again something your mind puts on itself. No one has ever complained of your houses condition. You have to trust us a little more. It’s another one of these confusing statements to on one hand say that Mark needs waiting on, but then on other times you make it seem like the most important part of the caring relationship to get up with Mark to fix his toast and juice. We have to think are we then in being there holding expectations of you waiting on us? How many times have I stated no, do not do things for me when I can do them myself It becomes a loss of proper boundaries. Sometimes it feels you are playing both sides of the coin to fit the situation. I think we all do this to some extent, but I’m not sure if you are aware when you are doing it. Because I am seeing two sides I’m feeling a bit manipulated. We’ve talked about this before and my resentment of it.

Now saying all this, I will say this now. I would like to come up this weekend. I think it is that positive that you again want people around you. I also believe that it is too much to have everyone over. I don’t think anyone has checked on Jean and Janet, but that should be done … they either come over or not. The thing is not to plan on a lot of people … let it slide. You can then spend the whole 24-36 hours finding out if you can at least handle one person. Me. I’m probably your toughest sell. I would expect honesty and not trying to just tell me things that will please me. Though in saying this I also realize that if you’re having feelings that it’s ok to give up the ship and be more bed bound than not … I would be causing you stress. I think you dissociate almost as much as I do. It causes me great pain to think of you slipping into only the TVs reality. I know that you have days, where it is tough, but you seem able to plan around these days somewhat. No one wants to keep you from seeing people. 0-100 is tough. Try at least just talking to those around you. I need to see some sign that you are attempting to use your mind.

Ann Marie
"AM I know you think I am always sick" and how in the h*** was this statement made, I'm one of biggest proponents to I think you can do better? I think your fibro has to be dealt with but not necessarily laying down. Up or down you've still got it. I just think laying down and letting your mind go dormant or in denial of a bigger reality is a bad idea. I'm the last person in your world that thinks you are "always" sick. Making this statement is a manipulative way of thinking "I wouldn't be so sick if Ann Marie would just stop thinking I was."

One clarification there and I will drag myself back to work. I do think sometimes you ACT sick when not necessary ... and now I've probably got Linda's jaw dragging on the ground. But, this is the way it usually goes. I'm the strong one your the weak one and so it's like I'm picking on you. I might be picking on you, I wouldn't deny that, but I am probably the most concerned that you are going to let life limp past you.

Some of it is how you are doing and some of it is how we are doing. I can handle the relationship better when certain facets are in place. I’m having a hard time with the situation. As long as Emily is going to be there I’m going to back out. It was more important that we re-accustomed ourselves to each other than support a quilting gathering. There’s time later on I’ll come up on another weekend. I will want to avoid too much going on. I feel to serious a lean toward other factors on importance – especially as they concern my own comfort levels. I take care of myself capably at home or at your place. I need firm boundaries.

As to the relationship between you and Mark I need to do a better job of clearing myself from those concerns. You did talk about olden days when you felt pressure from Mark; I don’t know how that is now since the hospitalization. I don’t know if there were more days helping than the one incident where you just cleaned a few fingerprints. If you all haven’t agreed to stop problem communications then it is a boundary issue between you. If you and Mark’s therapist got together to discussed what you need to do with Mark, instead of allowing him that private building of trust with on his own regardless of you, then I’d fire the bastard or bitch.

As to the fibro/arthritis, I can speak for the arthritic part, I don’t have fibromyalgia. I feel that all your problems get lumped into that cauldron and you choose your battles as to which days you schedule. My belief as we told you before that all days should be scheduled. I feel it weakens your life perspective. If there are specific needs then obviously they should be taken care of, but minimally in that bed bound is a last resort. I hear you protest. In general I have no proof but hear you expressing how important it is for you to lay down on the days you haven’t otherwise prioritized. I will assert if it’s convenient you do so. I think your mind is bored. But, this obviously is an uncalled for judgment of your situation that I’m given in parcels and code. What is said to one is not necessarily said to all. It’s very confusing. You had one outside your bedroom challenge and you’ve not yet taken it up. Otherwise there is taking care of dogs and simple housekeeping. It’s pretty limiting so that is why I insinuated that you’re not using your mind in finding something to do of real interest – LIKE, but not limited to quilting.

I’m not of the opinion that Mark is trying to sabotage you, but I’m not there nor am I married to him. It is hurtful to the relationship for me to be hearing you have such lack of faith in your husband. We all grumble and complain sometime, but this person is your best friend as you are his. You use the word dependence strongly. It’s a dance the two of you move toward. I can and will say that I don’t want to be a part of bashing one of you or the other. I’ve never heard Mark say negative about you. I’d expect the same from you. You are obviously feeling confined and believe it is Mark’s problem like your leaving the house and overworking was Mark’s problem. If keys are missing I’d just ask if the keys were to his car, or was it to your home.

I don’t believe he locks you in, but some days he may need to drive his car to work. I know there is a problem in that his mother took your original car and you don’t feel you can drive the truck. Reality is … Mark’s Mom still gave the car to him. If you don’t want to be woken up, state that clearly and move on - again boundary issues.

Your usage of words like “sleeping my WHOLE day” or “memorizing EVERY TV program is a part of another thing we’ve talked about that is so frustrating. Because you go from all or none, there is not reasonable access to the truth of what is happening. You smear out the middle ground - it’s all or nothing. I don’t know what you are learning on the new phone, iPod or computer, because you haven’t put this in a conversation to say WHAT you are learning, WHERE you are at with it, or HOW, WHEN or WHY you are going about it, nor what interests you in the above. To me it’s just something you say you do, but doesn’t feel backed up in reality. I don’t require this information, but after hearing the same thing over and over again without a change I tend to disqualify the statement. Like after a month and a half of claiming to work on bills, I’m thinking that probably could have been expedited or most likely there were days you skipped, but that didn’t sound as good as leaving the concept you were paying bills EVERY day.

I am extremely inquisitive … I don’t like the feeling of being the inquisition, but I get frustrated with progress in our relationship. I’m trying to be a good sister. But, I’m having a hard time being a good sister AND being analytical. Things in my world after over 25 years of therapy need to make some kind of sense if not relevance. Unending repetitive problems are hard. I would like to think I can ignore things, but then I’m not having a truthful relationship to you. I can scale back. I can reassert my own boundaries. I can tell you why I feel I’m being manipulated, but then I just have to step back and evaluate.

It’s not always about how you are doing sometimes it’s about how I am doing. I’m NOT asking you to take care of me, but I do insist that you let me find that someone within you I can relate to on at least somewhat an equal level. In just the simple act of responding to me, I can see something more of you than I have in anything else happening over this last month and a half.

Ann Marie
Good morning CS and Linda,

Didn’t want to shake the cart too much – Linda you should know that CS and us are talking on the phone NICELY about this other sort of stuff. *Pshwoo* Life can be such a bear at times. Me too.

Sweetie Pie is off for the next 5 days. You should have seen him this morning. He said, “I want you to see this.” Then he brought me to the fridge. He’s got in one stack the leftover chicken wings from last night’s eating out with rice, then on the next plate he has the fixings for a burrito including pouring the salsa in a dish, cuz he figures I might not, and then he made spaghetti for a couple nights, and left me a $20 in case I run out of food. I’m silly happy.

He’s been applying for an extra job beside his consulting jobs and games, though he admits he’d have to let some of the games go if he got an extra job. He’s looking for something that will pay for the insurance. He is getting called into an interview on Monday for a company that is looking for a residence manager for adults with Developmental Disabilities. Hmm, can Rich make sure a household is run correctly? Lordy it’s in the man’s blood! We’re hoping that he gets the job, but worrying about the hours. I think the one extra thing it would do for him is give him people to manage. This is not much different than Mark’s job. Rich LOVES to tell people what to do and he’s pretty professional about it THOUGH he still has trouble with the part of us that moans I DON’T WANT TO GO TO BED! What can you do?

He said this morning he can tell when we are tired, because we fall into a bit of a tizzy and I guess someone told him about 8:30 pm that she was discombobulated. Yup, yup … dear have you taken your medicine? Why don’t you lie down? I’ll be right over here.

Good girl!

Nothing much else on the day so far – except I commited to Rich that I’d go into work and not skip over the next three days. YAY Staff appreciation dinner coming up! This year sister is taking the staff to the Arboretum for a tour and lunch. Sweet! Friday is my FAVORITE day of the year! AND then … we get Dr. M. He’s out of town this week until Friday. Gotta love a good day with the dear doc.

Let’s hear how you are all doing!

Our love,
Ann Marie

Linda sounds like a terrible day! I think the boss was a little short-minded! If you don’t have the computer for an electronic spreadsheet, do you at least have the green tinted ledger sheets? I have no idea what he’s looking for because he hasn’t given you the computer, but I know we have used the ledger sheets to mark down dates, expenses and totals. Is there something like that around? Maybe he’s thinking he needs something at least on paper for the accountant during tax season. I know Rich goes through it too when he’s made expense reports for gas mileage and doing the games to assure that everyone has paid. As to knowing accounting … yeah that’s like account for your expenses if he’s not giving you anything fancy to work with he should give you credit for what you can do. Keep a stiff upper lip girl! Don’t be buying into his lack of professionalism! If you do get an electronic spreadsheet, I know a little about it too, so beside Tony you got me backing you as well!

I hope the walk turns out to be a good deal for you. It’s supposed to be a sunny day. It should be relaxing after you get into the swing of it. Plus, you know you are doing something good for people. Are you looking for sponsors? I might shake a dollar or two from our tree ;)

As to the anxiety, it is a good idea to see the doctor about it. You might try writing down things that tend to upset you, what happens when things do upset you and how often it is happening. I wouldn’t be put-off by thoughts of depression too. Sometimes it’s a result of being anxious. I take medicines for both depression and anxiety. Rich can time it to the minute when it wears off - usually by the stroke of 8:30 pm. I understand that’s when we get discombobulated. So in this case both medicine and sleep are very helpful. We don’t take any kind of sleeping pills most likely for similar reasons as you might have. First worry is always being turned into a zombie. Maybe it’s time to go SEE the doctor too, to see what else he suggests. There’s no doubt you put in an onerous summer!

I think you are right about the sewing. I think we’ll schedule some of that in too. We have been too tired at night to do more editing, but maybe we can fall back into sewing. It should be especially easy with Rich being gone. It sometimes feels more comfortable to be in the smaller room when we are all alone. Plus, we got those extra gorilla colors from CS that we’ve been eager to try. I’m hoping we will get in the zone as to all the 1” squares. It’s like working with Chiclets!

Our best love and care,
Ann Marie

Hey Linda! Did you get a prescription? Make an appointment? Even if you had to take some time off it would be a worthwhile thing to do. You want to make sure you don’t end up with an ulcer or something with all this worrying.

It seems pretty unfair that your boss rode you so hard just because he was feeling emotional. I’ve had the same with Sr. Theresa and she swears she’s the calm one. Yah like right! I think your one boss made up in his mind what he wanted to hear. This might be a way of projecting his needs to be mothered on you through his illness by you “fixing things.” Or basically taking care of his personal needs. It’s not really your role, but I’ve seen it happen before. I would tell him a psychiatrist costs about $280 an hour! They get paid for taking on “STUFF!”

I’m not sure if there is much you can do accept to order (by date) and list the expenses. Your DIL would be an excellent resource if she’s can help you with the “ordering” process, but she’s not going to be able to fix your broken boss either. I’m sure normal paper would be fine, though ledger paper is not a major line item expense … it costs just $3-4 and can usually be found at Walgreens. I don’t think it’s your job to go out and buy your own supplies. Chances are too that your DIL has scads of them lying about. The only true value to them is that it keeps the money numbers neat in little boxes.

It really is sounding like he’s lost to all that’s going on about him. Seems sort of like Chicken Little with the Sky falling in. He might be under some time constraints if his accountant is looking for numbers. He probably doesn’t or can’t afford to give the accountant his shoe box receipts. I’d take the box, do the best you can, and then tell him you usually get by on just your good looks!~

If you quilt tonight, then I will too! I need a little break now to let dinner digest, but I will try to shake a leg and get back to it. I’m just listening to CNN now so I could do that from the back room. I voted on the distressing part first … nap sounds good. I’d hate to hear you had a stick pin incident!

I would enjoy very much supporting you on the walk … In your next note include your slow mail address and I will send you $20. It not a lot, but it’s all Rich left me Hehehe. Unless you have some place on line I could just use my credit card. That would be easier. Do you have anything on line?

So far first day without Rich going is ok though I’m not up to the part of missing him when I go to sleep. He said I could sleep on the couch (usually do when he’s gone), but that he left me his special pillow if I make it to bed proper. I did some more work on editing today. I went back through the things I’d written for my masters work, since it was written at that time I’m going to include it. I’m not sure if anyone is interested in psychological processes, but since they are looking at the book in the psychology section it would seem to be in good hands. It was a time of one short paper after another. Pretty much drove me bonkers. But, I seem in general to bounce back good!

Looking forward to your next note.

Our love,
Ann Marie

Good morning. Just a few notes on the day, I figure that pretty much you are both caught up. I don’t usually write in the evenings. We made it through our first day without Rich … he called me about 8 pm and asked first what I ate. Hehehe. Yes, dear just like your note … I ate just right! He caught some fish, but they were small. He was the only one to catch fish. They said it was a hard lake to find fish in.

We did good Linda. We did a couple of rows. They are about ten across, but six of the 4” blocks have 16 of the one inch squares. I’ve gotten kind of into it. I will wait til the weekend and cut up the colored pieces. I’m looking forward to seeing how that goes. I felt good in doing it. I forgot to take my medicine until late though and ended up staying up to 11. Shoot, I’m pretty sure that if Rich was here he would have shagged me to bed. It’ was like having a slumber party with me and Anderson Cooper WooHOO!!

I sure hope you have a good day today Linda. This seems like the hardest week yet. Nobody would blame you if you wanted to start looking for another job. This one doesn’t seem to be a good match. There’s not too much you like about it. It’s not good money, not enough hours, you’ve got nothing to do, the bosses are temperamental, and there isn’t even a computer. Yeeks. You can do better! It’s not worth this kind of stress. I think that first impressions count. Maybe you and Tony could talk about it? Maybe you can take advantage of those short days and start looking?

We’re glad you are getting your granddaughter tonight … it must be a Thursday!

Actually CS, I wasn’t looking for someone to do the editing work, Julie had to pretty much konk me in the head. She had volunteered before, but I hadn’t realized she was so well qualified and had done editing professionally for the court system. At that point it was time to put the push aside. Editing is different than proofing. The proofing is next. I understand that proofing will put it into the page form I will see in the book, and at that point changes are harder to make.

I hope the day goes by well for the both of you.

Our love,
Ann Marie

Good morning. I love it Linda when you talk about your granddaughter. It’s an amazing thing when they start to talk. It’s like wow … that’s what she was thinking? But, as to the cooking … we zoned that out. We’re pretty sure CS caught it though. Hehehe you don’t want to REALLLY confuse our parts with domesticity!

I would think after your GD went home Linda you might be ready for bed! Taking care of grandchildren is tough they always seem to have one more thing and one more thing on their mind. When Ame was small, we used to call her our “Bouncy one.” Man could she move! I didn’t get to the sewing either. I had been listening to CNN and got into the interviews over the last couple of days, because Larry King is on his last week of the show. It’s pretty remarkable.

Yesterday he did a show on Bob Woodward who wrote a just out best seller called “Obama’s Wars.” I was very interested because the reviews of it are so high. I finished the 2nd “multiple” book yesterday, so I downloaded the Kindle version of Obama’s Wars and started reading that. I’m determined to get a better understanding on the situation and I love that Woodward is so respected for getting things down correctly with proofs of what he’s writing about. I’ve learned more in the first 30 pages than I knew about Afghanistan and Pakistan in the past. I’m looking forward to getting back into it.

We’ve got about 15 minutes and we’ll be getting dressed to leave for the Arboretum. I’m looking forward to the day. We printed out directions just in case the GPS doesn’t work proper and we’ve planned to get there a half an hour later. The tour vehicle leaves at 10:15 am and lunch will be a buffet afterward. We just don’t want to miss out by getting confused on directions. I’ve never been to the Arboretum yet although it’s only a half an hour away. Maury takes the girls periodically and he’s always given it high marks. So … good times ahead!

Our love,
Ann Marie

Ok, we’re back again. The Facebook correspondence that we just played out took place from September 27th to October 1st. I think that it might take a bit of time to figure out all that, but for the time being I’d like to skip back toward where we are doing in general. I’m just not sure where that is at.

Maybe we should start by clarifying that today is Saturday, October 2nd. It’s now about 7:30 am. I’m trying to get my head less confused. It seems that we’re just a bit cloudy. The first thing that comes to mind is that Rich is fishing right now in Kentucky. We’ve been in phone communication with him once a night since he left on Wednesday. He seems to be doing ok, but he’s not catching as many fish as he would like. He’s got some of his pros and cons as to how things work out. I believe though that he is in general happy that he is there. Just that he finds stuff that isn’t going well and that seems to spoil his mood. I think too that he gets accustomed to how his life and mine go together and so when that gets disrupted he’s at a bit of a loss. We’re just talking things like his general sleep patterns or that he tends to like his back rubs and opportunities to communicate how he is doing to someone. I would like to think that part of our relationship is that we have a general flow of things and that maybe sometimes when he’s gone he misses that.

I’m thinking here that a part of our relationship is that we talk about things that are on each others’ minds so that when he’s with the guys those thoughts that he would normally talk out with us, doesn’t happen and he gets a little confused as to all his thoughts and feelings. This is not a big deal, but I do sense from him a little loneliness that without us things are a little melancholy. Not to be confused though with the part where he would stay home. He does enjoy being out with the guys. I just think communication wise that we give each other something that he misses when he’s out of the house. Little things happen too in that he gets into routines including eating, sleeping, washroom and other things that get disrupted while he’s gone. I guess in general, I would like to think that he likes to get out, but loves to get home!

As to my own part while he’s gone? As mentioned we tend not to get into bed proper, and our mornings, evenings, and daytimes tend to blur together. We do find ourselves going back to routines as mentioned before about not falling asleep proper at bedtime in the bedroom. Rich did an exceptional job in making sure that we had dinners for each night that he was gone.

We had a very good day yesterday in going to the arboretum. We got there early as did most the people in our group. We started off by meeting up with three of the others who had hung back. Sr. and a few of the others took a little walk before the group left. I was happy to be with those who didn’t want to do the extra walking. We had such a nice trip in their “Acorn tram.” I don’t think I stopped form taking pictures from the moment we hopped onto the vehicle until we got back.

I don’t know if I disturbed others by making the clicking sounds throughout, but after an hour worth of being out I’d collected 160 pictures. Well, you gotta know that’s just our style. I have a really nice collection.

When we got home we went through the paces of getting our pictures from the camera to the computer. I hadn’t figured out before how to get large groups of pictures from the phone camera to the places where I could distribute to the blogs and Facebook. I felt bad in that when I talked to Rich about 8 pm, he reminded me that we should have gone to Dr. Marvin’s appointment. We were so captivated in what we were doing that we didn’t think about the appointment at all. That was a very miserable feeling … I hate when we forget his appointments and it makes us miserable to think what we lost in not being there. I have to admit that we generally tend to be terrible when it comes to remembering the appointment on an odd day of going. Usually Dr. Marvin writes us a note to remember, but we didn’t get that. Not that it was his fault, it’s just that we got into thinking of it as Friday and didn’t put in additions in our mind to say that it’s an appointment day. We should have said something to us and maybe left a buzzer, but that we got home about 2 pm and we should have left here about 3-3:30 pm. It just was terrible planning.

During that time we were manipulating the photos. We did end up getting the pictures uploaded to Photobucket on an automatic procedure, but it took quite a while. Each picture took about 35-40 seconds. It was ok though after we got things figured out. And, then after it was uploaded it was a process to figure out getting things to where we wanted them. We couldn’t figure out how to get the set of pictures to “my photos” on Facebook, but we did end up figuring out how to put them in two separate slideshows (just 100 pictures per slideshow) and then we figured out how to get the slideshow to both the blogger and to Facebook. After we got it to Facebook, we wrote a note after having figured out that you could start both shows at the same time, and while looking at both in one screen you could get a very nice feel good show of watching both shows at the same time. I was very happy with the results. We watched it loop over and over again until we were ready to turn to something else.

Neither CS nor Linda knew what an arboretum was so we’re figuring we gave them a pretty good idea! I sent CS, Linda, Vickie, Julie and Helen a private copy. It’s a bit slow as to people stopping by to see it, but there were nine people who stopped by to comment. Nice!

Last night we dropped a note to Linda to say that we were going to the sewing room and we seemed to do that for a couple of hours. We felt very pleased to be there.

I forget when I’m not there how much we enjoy things. It’s very slow and measured to be sewing little one inch squares, but I enjoy the process of them coming together. I would like to go back to that again today, but perhaps not until after dinner. I would like to continue the process of editing today after we get done writing this morning. We did work some at work on the editing and we’re up to 180 pages of the first round. I believe we’re up to about March. It hasn’t been stated yet, but I believe the next month April starts the part that we are going to start the work on our Masters degree. I spent some time integrating the papers with the regular part of the blog entries so that There is just one long document.

I think the first rough copy states that its then about 525 pages.

I wasn’t sure, but thought to not include it would be leaving the manuscript a bit short on worthwhile things to be saying. It was such a big part of my life to be working on the work that I would be remiss not to include it. I don’t know what my audience things in that we switch up quite a bit on the intensity of our writing.

This also includes that December 2004 the time of our second book, we wrote about 8 chapters of a story Called Rembrandt Street. I had gotten up to the point that the parents were starting to confront that one of the girls in an apartment below the family was going through sexual abuse of their daughter/granddaughter. I think it got too close, and then we stopped. Plus the fact that we’d written while on Christmas vacation and leading into it, but by the time we were going back to work, we didn’t have time to put it together any further. It gets left off.

I don’t recall the process of writing, but I believe that we were using an outline to write the story. From what I remember it was a very complete outline and each of the sentences were purposeful in advancing the story. There was a lot of detail explaining the family that got along very well – with four girls, their parents and two new kitties. There was a little explaining the second family and there was some time spent in developing some of the girls’ friends. I enjoyed reading it again when we were editing, because I hadn’t remembered the story. It had been almost six years ago that we’d written it. We’ll have to see how that turns out, but in general I hope that our readers handles the transitions between the story, our own life, and then the Masters’ documents. It was a busy year.

This is the work we hope to continue today. Once we get $1000-$1500 from the first book, we will be able to publish the second. I guess in my mind is sort of a multiple’s version of Harry Potter. I know that it’s not going to be popular like that, but I would like to think we will build an audience, and that after people read one book, they will want to read the next. I’m really of the mindset that I’m hoping to get a profit from the books, but even if they aren’t well read, I would like to have it published for my own benefit.

I think it’s a little confusing in that most people don’t publish their life stories as they are unfolding. I’m not sure how that plays out in that if it isn’t being done, is it a good idea? I don’t think most people take the time to write out their day to day life, but then there are quite a few people who write journals and diaries. I’m not sure if mine should be considered any more special than anyone else that might write. Maybe the only critical difference is that I’m more willing to spend the $1000-1500 on getting it published. Maybe what will happen if the first story hasn’t sold that I will use whatever I get from taxes to do the next book and then do the same down the line until everything is done. Of course, it would be MUCH easier if the books sold, but we need to bank our assurances, that things will happen whether it does or not.

It seems that part of our week this week also went into keeping general correspondence. We kept up with Facebook and then wrote to … as you saw CS and Linda, and then we wrote to our cousins Jaime and Helen, and to Emily and the twins, and to Pat Swanson. That was really a nice note. I got the feeling that Pat was interested in what we were writing. We gave her a little breakdown of what had happened as to the parts and when we were in each others’ life. She had said she was eager to read the book and that we could keep her in touch. There were a few parts that she dealt with in particular. Anniemi when my mother was around, Kelsie when it came to leadership and doing the general patrol leader and president roles, and then Jamie as to some of the fooling around. I’m not sure if she’ll understand, but she might.

She had asked about CS who hadn’t responded to her note and so we gave her a brief breakdown as to what we’d seen there. She seemed to remember that CS would get sick to gain the attention of our mother and father previously. That helped me a lot knowing that some of the thoughts we have with CS were made valid. I wasn’t the only one to see of that time. We very much consider Pat to be one of the people we were closest to in a good way during our youth. I did tell her that although we would periodically go back and visit a childhood memory it was more the adult parts in the present that are writing the book. I hope that I don’t do discredit to my life. I’ve always felt that to whatever degree we were or are, that we are accurate in what we write – according to the way we think of things.

So, that’s pretty much it … I’m thinking that we are almost caught up. There was one more little thing we were going to say … what was it? Hmm, it’s not that, but we could say hear that there was communication with Dr. Woollcott this week. He said that he would write a small forward and that it would take him a couple of weeks. We let him know that was exceptional as to our thinking. I’m thinking that with Dr. M. out of town for 80% of the week that he never got a hold of his legal department. I would like to hold out the hope that he’s more excited about the project than not. I don’t know between him and Dr. Woollcott who will be the first to hand something in, but we’re almost hoping that Dr. Woollcott writes first so that Dr. Marvin can build from that point. I’m just hoping we can clear whatever legal obstacles. Because we were contributing to Dr. Woollcott’s book, I would like to think that it’s a matter of getting the right consents signed. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, unless the university has some kind of license over what their doctors publish. I think they most likely have more freedom than that although maybe they have a registry of all that goes out. We’ll see.

It occurs to me that we’ve sure been spending quite a bit of writing time on the advancement of this first book. I don’t know how that will all come out in the long run. Maybe it’s appropriate to say now that we’ve pretty much covered the week that we are looking with interest again in the house … the house we’re hoping and praying to have. Wouldn’t it be awesome if by the time this part you are reading right now – would be an acknowledgement of our excitement in that by then we’ll have our space. Rich said something the other day about saving some money for a house, but he didn’t want to tell me more about that or the nature of it or whatever. I think he’s communicating with his son that he wants to have a house, but we’re thinking Rich’s idea is much smaller than ours, so we’re not going to give him much space. I have the feeling if we got something smaller than that would be it for the rest of our life. Where if we get the big house and one day scale down that it would mean two moves. It’s just that I haven’t let go of the part in our development where I have the big house – yes and two floors.

I feel almost embarrassed thinking why does someone my age want 4 bedrooms. But, here we hold out to the part of having kids from out of town. We can always shut the doors to those rooms while not in use except to sometimes dusting and vacuuming the rooms. The deal will be not to put clutter in them. I also want if not to have Maury live with me … the possibility of my grandchildren and eventually Rich’s grandchildren stay over. That was a big deal in my life is to have kids over.

The one thing we’re very conscious of with Maury and his girl is that we will want to give them all a break from having kids, so that sometimes if I take our grandchildren over night, we will take the other two girls as well. I believe there grandma is out of state and I would like to give that too them – being included as long as we can have enough space as to not crowd out Ame and Isa. I think that could happen as long as we save two guest bedrooms.

Yesterday we ordered a program from a software company we’ve worked with in the pat. It’s just a $20 program that does house decorating and such. I guess you can build blue prints and then experiment with different surfaces and furnishings. I am very excited to be playing with it. I was disappointed though when I found we could not auto-download it while I had some time over the weekend to play with it. Maybe this is good though in that I can work over the weekend and save that part to the evening when we can’t be doing much more of anything else due to tiredness.

We’re really excited to be seeing how that works out. It was a $60 program, but they must be selling out of it. Unless, they could be trying to get you to their site with a ploy to get you interested in their programs in general. I did notice they had a couple other programs for house design, but were costing $100 and more so in comparison I’m not sure what we’re getting. Close enough! It’s just to play.

I know there’s one more thing we wanted to say … we watched Larry King talk to Robert Woodward this week. Larry King is almost retired … I don’t know his exact day, but I’m thinking it’s this month. Woodward has written a lot of books on the higher ups in Washington DC. He seems to be a favorite of Presidents. He just came out with the book, “Obama’s Wars.” We picked that up from Amazon. I’m sure that Rich isn’t going to like we’ve used our bank account as much as we have, but I was excited to get it. I’ve learned more in the 30 pages about the war in Afghanistan then I knew before. If I can get through it – with that much reality, I will be a better person. I just figure that Thom’s so much of this war effort, that I really should know more about it, especially if he gets a job afterward in the Intelligence community. He’s really holding the pulse of the nation.

I did for the record finish the two books I had on multiplicity. The first was by a multiple talking especially about her pre-school and elementary school years, and then the second book was written by an author who was a multiple’s doctor. I think there sessions went on about 18 years. He writes predominantly of the first ten years. By the end of that period he had integrated her 17 parts. And, then they spent the next 8 years in normal therapy, but there is nothing written after that.

There is a small postscript from the multiple, but its’ only a couple pages, and she seems out of sync with anything exceptional. Just the general statement multiples make of wanting to help others. She went a bit further in wanting to stop all abuse, but there wasn’t anything really in the book to say that is what would happen from reading her book.

It seemed most of her “worst” abuse was being sexually vandalized and tortured in a funeral home by his father and others that paid to be there. You always want to imagine that stuff like this doesn’t happen, but I’m no one to think that otherwise might have happened. I’m a bit disappointed in reading stories of the abuse periods, but then they fade off when it comes to explaining “normal life.” You already know my opinion on integration. I don’t believe in it, but it’s not to say that others shouldn’t or that it helps them in some symbolic way. I made a statement in summarizing our story in that it seems that eventually over time the younger parts need less and less time to be out, so they seem to settle down a bit. I certainly don’t think they take up so much of our regular adult life so they have to be extinguished.

We should probably talk to Dr. Marvin more about the way young parts still appearing with Rich and us when we get into a sexual situation between us. Rich explains that it is so much better now than in the past, but he’s still dealing with parts too young to speech. There are sounds made partly a whining sound and then crying sounds. We are pretty wiped out after an encounter. I think that Rich is so used to dealing with these younger parts that he just works with them in a very natural means. I think mostly he lets them wind down and it’s not unusual for us to fall asleep. Often too when we get up there’s a Casie or KC part who’s looking for a reward – usually fudgsicle, which seems better then the parts that curl up in a circle and seem overwhelmed. I’m not really sure if we very often come out of an encounter in a fully adult mode. Maybe the closest is Lissa who is still swarming over her lover. Oh yeah … certainly on those days/nights he gets an extra massage.

I remember the part we were going to say before. After the tour on the Acorn Express yesterday, we had lunch. The lunch itself was nothing to write home about, but there was plenty to eat and they had the most wonderful open dining room meaning there was a large wall of glass that opened unto the rolling scenery and a little lake. It was very beautiful and it felt safe. The room was very light and airy. I came out first from getting the food and then Margarita and Sister came out right after so the three of us sat together. They only had four seated tables, which for the first time turned out pretty good. Everyone sat where they would and I didn’t look around to see who sat with who.

There were a couple of things we brought up. We said something about going home over the weekend to finish up on the editing work for the book. Sister didn’t really have too much to say about it, though she did ask how many pages. We told her about 365 and she seemed to think that was quite a bit. We underlined that it was just one year. Maybe she is getting more curious about it, but then I’m thinking that reading it she will feel she has too much information, in that way I don’t know if she will read it through. Sometimes she turns off information and I don’t know how she will feel in that there’s a good bit written on my experience with her.

Afterward we talked about me wanting to buy a house and if the profits were good enough that I have our house picked out in Montgomery IL. I don’t know if she knows where that is, but I knew enough to worry if she thought I’d leave altogether. Actually, I wouldn’t mind being part of the center, but I would like to be just a part of the staff and one that came in only 2-3 days a week if that.

Basically, only if I needed to come in – I think in general we have very little to do with the everyday functioning of the center. Most days we hide out in the back. I would have to come in for meetings, such as the annuals, behavior, staff training, administration and Thinking Group. I think that could all be done by coming in Thursdays and Fridays and periodic other days during the staffing period of the month. I would also most likely hold onto CARF for a bit, just that I’d be doing it from home.

I think the problem with it would be that after Sister left, we’d have to come to a similar agreement with whoever took her position, if the center is to remain open. I WOULDN’T be interested in coming in every day being so far away. If I came in 2-3 days then it would compensate the gas I’m going to lose in being so far out.

We talked about Sisters nephews and their kids too and what they were doing and she explained their houses. At one point I explained how the house would look and she made a comment about how many half million it would cost and we honestly told her the starting point was $250,000. She didn’t think that actually sounded like so much. We explained to her our bad feelings of passing so many houses while we were out and thinking to ourselves, why can’t we also figure out how to have a house.

There are people on our staff – the majority who also have houses. I’m not sure of two, but we’re thinking most the others have them. A couple of the single people had houses left to them by their parents, but the fact remains, they do have a house.

Rich and I – besides the other Q get paid the most and Rich and I seem to be living the weakest. There just isn’t something fair about this.

Rich has a job interview on Monday. I’m not sure if I wrote about it already. He’s looking for a simple job that would accommodate loose hours and that he could gain an insurance policy. I think the company that is looking at him is Ray Graham and the position they are considering for him is that of a CILA house manager. Rich could do that kind of job sitting on his hands. Rich already without this job would make twice as much as I do, but he’s still giving $3000 a month to his wife, so actually he’s not living on much different than I. He will point out that he’s also paying for his 1/3 of the house, but I’m not sure if she’s ever going to think of moving out of it. It may depend on whether or not Chris moves out when he gets married. Chris talks about not having enough money to get married, but he’s looking at getting a motorcycle this spring, so he must have something to balance things out. I think they are already looking for a house of their own. Not sure.

I teased Rich pretty bad that his family was going to talk him out of giving up his portion of the house. I just believe they lean on him a bit and then the money will go to the ex life the alimony. I think Rich has a hard time thinking of himself first. Dr. Marvin says he still feels responsible for everyone. I like that part of dreaming of our house, it would be me taking care of him. We have quite a few conversations on me keeping him a “kept man!” WooHOO!! Thata girl! He explains carefully to keep him I’ll have to continue the massages. He drives a hard bargain!

I’m back to thinking that the study might have to be turned into a day bedroom in that … I would hope being just a little away from his mom that he’d have her come stay over to visit and that she’d have a place to call her own and take a nap. I know this is what started the bigger home idea in the first place. It’s just too handy that we have a small “extra” room on the first floor and that it is next to the powder room. It be a good usage of the space. I’d like it better to be Rich’s tackle room, but he doesn’t seem to think he needs that space. As long as his mother or Bud was around, I could see keeping it into a day room for them. We would have to put some kind of wardrobe closet into it and a bed and a nightstand, and maybe a chair, but I think that would fill it out. She would be right next to the kitchen and I think she would like that a lot. It’s just that we’d have to come to some understanding of the smoking.

I think we’re far enough in advance that I don’t have to spell that out so much. I know she was insulted with Rich’s wife for making her sit next to the window, but I wouldn’t want her to smoke out our house. She might have to smoke on the porch, but we’re not sure about her opening the door, or if she’d be real comfortable and she certainly couldn’t go out in the winter. Maybe we could have her sit next to the deck door and we could have some kind of smoke ionizer/inhaler something.

She’d have to smoke, in just one place though she wouldn’t be allowed to smoke in the kitchen or in her bedroom. I just don’t like the thought of her falling asleep in her room with the smoke or that it would be part of cooking. I think as she gets older, she will cook less and that it would be real confusing to have that much space in the kitchen. She’s used to putting her chair right in the middle of her small U-shaped kitchen so that she can do everything sitting down. She’s as close to the sink, stove and counter as she is to any. Maybe eventually cooking will be done by her sitting in one place by the counter and then we will do the stove and dishes. Just want her to have a good friendly place to sit. I don’t think we could break her of her chain smoking. In some ways I don’t want to … though after I stopped smoking, I never wanted to go back to a smoke-filled room.

She can speak directions to us.

I guess then it’s probably about time we should start up with the editing. There isn’t too much communication going on through Facebook or AOL email. Anything else?

There is a little question as to whether or not we should drive out to see the house again. I guess we have enough pictures there would be no good reason to drive out. We are placing a lot of hope in being successful. Maybe it would be too much going out in that we couldn’t be more excited about it than we are already, or if we were to get more excited it might not do us any good. We need to admit to ourselves that most likely it would be at least a couple years, if we’d be even halfway successful in that Rich would see that we paid up our debt first and clear up our credit record. I really do see that as making sense. I just don’t want to be so old that I have to let go of my dream.

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