Attention :)


Please also see Ann's Web Page called Multiplework

Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Updated! Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 100 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our email is Aynetal3@aol.com and our Twitter account (@aynetal3), which lists approximately 300 Multiples. Keep looking for others - they are OUT there!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's Sunday and we're going out to lunch!

Good morning. This is me. I don’t know how long I will be here typing because Rich is running the vacuum cleaner. Maybe his son is going to stop by today I’m not sure. Rich is going to pick him up and then in a couple hours they will come back here and pick me up and then there will be going out to dinner and then maybe back here if there is time before Jon has to get to the train. I’m not sure what will happen there, but I always look forward to a good visit. I think the whole thing today is to stay out of things that don’t concern me.

We’ve been having kind of a frumpy mood because of this all between me and my sister. I had written a letter saying I’m sorry I have such negative feelings inside me and both Linda and my sister wrote back thanking me for my apology and that they were trying to understand multiplicity through Oprah and a book or two. I have some odd feelings about that.

I just moved so Rich could vacuum through. It’s still noisy in here and it’s hard to concentrate. It feels muggy. I think he is working too hard. There he’s almost done. At least out here … I think he’s taking stuff out of the vacuum now. I’m pretty hot. I think I will turn on the AC when he leaves.

I hadn’t apologized for what I wrote; more that I’d had the negative feelings. Because both of them assumed that my negativity was due to a part, they both seemed to feel that they had nothing to do with the problems we were talking about. CS also blew off the part of us telling her if it were a free choice that we didn’t want to go to the quilting weekend. She said she needed something firm and then she didn’t accept it when it didn’t go her way. I don’t know what else to do, I was very honest and direct with my statement in not wanting to go. We talked to Rich about it this morning. My desire to take the week of to quilt and do things with the quilting people isn’t as strong as not wanting to deal with my sister that is in denial she has any responsibility over the relationship.

At least Linda recognized that I might need some time off. I’m not planning then on writing in their space for a while. I want to figure out how I’m going to take care of my own needs. Nobody seems to see her manipulation but me. That means I have to ask if its real, but then as a simple case in point, she said she just wants to see me happy and that it’s all my choice, but then when I make my choice, it’s not acceptable. This is the kind of manipulation that I’m talking about though it’s on the lighter side of what’s really happening. She’s driving me pretty crazy. It doesn’t mean I have to go there.

Today the horoscope says I’m supposed to “leave well enough alone when it comes to a conflict with a friend or family member. Even though you’re not one to move forward without smoothing out ruffled feathers, in this case its best to keep your distance for awhile. You can make in known that you’re open to reconciliation, but don’t do so in a pushy way and don’t make it complicated. This situation will right itself in time. In general, misunderstandings are the norm right now, but this phase should lose its grip by midnight tonight. In the meantime, work on visualization and calming exercises to center our self. Tomorrow will be a fortunate day.”

That probably means that I should be careful not to get in anything with Rich’s family too. We’re all over the board with that and more. We never like it when we can’t go places because I’m not accepted in relationship with Rich’s youngest son.

Thursday Rich went with his kids to his mothers and I couldn’t come and then Rich said it was because Dr. Marvin. I think he could have shifted plans if he’d really wanted me to come, but he also wanted to leave it open for Chris which is what he has to do as a father, it just leaves me feeling bad.

Then when I get a chance to be with family like today I’m grumbly about it. It probably seems real unfair to Rich and his family, basically I feel discombobulated. I need every free moment I can get just to work through our emotions. Most often though its damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’m not being happy with anything.

I’m also being a headache to in the part of Rich not wanting to marry me. This comes out particularly during events like going to a wedding – or more truthfully a wedding reception. It was a good thing in that we met some more friends of his especially Jack and we also Doug and the guys wives Melanie and Eileen. I think people accepted me except maybe Melanie, but maybe it was a matter of her getting used to me. She is one of the people that voiced frustration with Rich for getting a divorce and meeting up with the likes of me. As far as she was concerned, I think I was a home wrecker.

Other people have that interpretation too like Chris. He’s got no problems with his father, all his anxiety is focused on me. It’s hard to deal with because Rich is letting it happen. It doesn’t allow me to feel real good about myself.

I’ve been with both Bob and Jon where I tried to bring up that I was writing a book and it was going to be published. I won’t make the mistake of bringing it up again today. It seems to be going over with a dead thud. I will put us into a listening mode and perhaps asking questions. I really do like Jon and Jill; I don’t know if there will ever be a relationship with Chris. I don’t think I’ll ever be a very important part of the relationship with Rich and his kids, but then just kids in general is tough. I know that through my own boys. They are off in their own worlds and that’s about it of that.

I just checked the restaurant Giran’s that Rich and we were considering taking Jon, but they didn’t pick up yet. It’s about 11 am, so that might be too early. I’m disappointed that neither their web site nor phone tells what their hours are. Ahh, we found something. They open at noon. Good. Now we just have to wait to see if Jon wants something like that or different. Obviously, we should be going to somewhere he’s comfortable. I think he does Thai instead of Mexican, but Rich thought he would do Italian. I like the homey quiet atmosphere of Giran’s. It’s cozy and repeat … quiet!

I don’t know what I should be asking Jon. The first question seems to be – are you happy? That’s like a little too generic. I like to know though about what kinds of stuff he is interested in. Ok, you … probably should move on … I know his privacy is important. I think sometimes that’s why people shy from me … are that they know I’m writing and they don’t want to be featured. That’s understandable. Maybe it’s considered an occupational hazard. Not me … the writing!

Rich is out of the shower. See that’s what I mean … what happens he doesn’t want the whole writing public to know he’s been there. Hmm, well of course that’s a consideration, but it’s something that’s a part of me writing about whatever I see or hear. If I look to the right and see him cross over to the bedroom, then OBVIOUSLY I’m going to be excited about that! Poor Rich, Lord help me if he ever decides to sue. Yeeks!

I think I will jump in the shower myself – see we’re on equal grounds here, but I will do that in about 45 minutes after he’s left and I’ve made sure things around the house are picked up if anything has missed the first screening. It doesn’t really get THAT bad around here, just Jon’s an important visitor. I think Rich is planning to leave in 15 minutes. WooHOO! Oh not that … what am I saying … that I don’t want my special one to be here? NOOO, just it sure is nicer without the vacuum and TV going. I’m not against listening to birds out my front door. Rich heard the plan on turning the air on and he decided to bring in the fan. Ok, ok … I’m getting that point.

Hmm, Rich is gone and the quiet music is on. Mostly I hear some birds and the humming of the fan.

We should write maybe a little more on last night. I think the highlight of the evening was when Rich finally convinced me we could get up and try to dance. I had passed on the first opportunity – when he asked, but then finally I gave in to my inhibitions. It was very romantic that he would be holding me in public. Both of us are kind of a couple of shufflers. It’s kind of funny in that way, we are a good match. I liked standing that close to him and I’m just so glad we did.

It was a pretty fancy wedding party in all. The bride and bridesmaids were beautiful and we were taken in with all the fancy food. They had a bar and next to that was cheeses and crackers and then they did fancy stuff I can’t spell, but it’s passed around by the help on trays. You know what I’m trying to say, right? Then there was soup, salad and I think somewhere in their there was a sorbet, Rich said to clear our throats. And then there was a big plate that had all kinds of veggies, potatoes, beef and chicken. And, then after the coffee was served they had cake. Oh yeah very important there was just the best cookies on the table. We sort of ate them close to the front.

I was very impressed with all the time Jack spent over at our table. He talked to Rich, Doug, and both Bob’s … not Rich’s Bob, but the one next to me was without his wife, but was a father-in-law of one of Jack’s kids and then the other Bob was someone much older and who Rich said was a multi-millionaire. I guess he and Jack’s father had been good friends because they were neighbors of lakeshore property in WI. He had a very vivacious girlfriend with him. I think that was one of my other best times was watching this older guy like at least in his 70’s dancing. Oh gosh he was just the best dancer and had no qualms dancing fast or slow. He was better than his girlfriend, but it was obvious they’d spent a lot of time together. They seemed to know each other’s styles. Of all the people and there were a lot, but of all the people on the dance floor, this older person amazed me the most.

Another impressionable thing was how much time as we said that Jack spent at our table … AND Eileen. They seemed very comfortable with Rich and I was proud to be his girlfriend. I didn’t stand up when they were all up and talking, but we tried to listen as much as we could. At one point we were conscious of looking away because I didn’t want anyone to know that I really couldn’t hear the conversation.

I didn’t want to act bored, because I wasn’t I just can’t do the distance standing with my back. It’s really unfortunate.

We got there fairly soon before everyone really converged on the place. And there was time … a lot of time to be looking at all the dresses. That was actually a fun part of the event. People really dressed nicely. About the time we’d been into the dancing for about half an hour, we started giving Rich our messages that it was time to be leaving. It was about 10:30 pm and it was really past my bed time. We had been there for about 4 hours. Rich was very considerate. I had taken my medicine before going, but after leaving for the washroom and then coming back I was really feeling overwhelmed with the noise and visuals. It was a crowd of about 175.

I was glad that we’d be meeting Jack and Eileen again next week. Doug and Melanie are having a birthday party for her. There’s supposed to be dinner and a show. I told you that before, but I guess the show is like a supper show. I didn’t know that. I don’t know what to expect, but I thought it was so unusual that something that big was going to happen, especially because Rich and I are invited as Doug’s friends, but my understanding is that it is Melanie’s birthday. I don’t know how many people will be there. Hopefully it won’t be so loud and we can hear people.

Jack seemed to have a younger spirit than I’d been lead to believe and I think Eileen is older than me, but younger than the guys. She’s a really good talker and like the older guy a really good dancer. She was so proud and seemed very happy. It was easy to like her.

On the way home Rich and us talked about the event some, but I think we were getting tired out. He’d mentioned more surprises and we were hanging in on the younger side. He’d fed us marshmallow peeps before we got there and we kinda took his cookies on the way home. My understanding was that Jack had made both the wedding cake and the cookie gifts. They were both excellent. The cake was a cinnamon with a beautiful light frosting that was cinnamon like the cake. It was VERY good. Just not big enough! Hmpf!

Rich had to convince us to get out of the car and walk up the steps. I don’t think we left the bedroom after we got undressed. It was sort of a fall into place.

Rich though stayed up and read a bit. I tried to get up about 6:30 A.M. but we fell back to sleep until about 8 A.M. when Rich got up. Wow. We were really tired! It had been recorded as a nice night. With the exception of Melanie not really choosing to talk to me, it was a night without problems. She seemed to warm up to Rich a bit, but she never talked to me and we left when she was gone to the ladies room or something, so we didn’t have to go through the awkward goodbyes.

Maybe I threatened her in that I was a younger woman who won out from the wife space. Rich says that she’s a jealous kind of person who watches carefully over Doug, so the thought that she could be replaced, must have been on her mind. The fancy lady at the table with the older guy got up and danced a fast dance with Doug. He held his own, but then immediately after Melanie got up and took her place with him, and I don’t know how all that went. It seemed that Doug was having a good time talking with the woman who was to his left.

There was just a couple more things. One of them was that when it came time for the bride and groom to feed each other, the groom smashed the cake in the bride’s face. She seemed pretty livid. I don’t know where that tradition came from but he looked downright mean about it. She calmed down, but there was one more time I saw her get very angry at something that happened or was heard with the mom. She slammed down her foot, picked up her dress and rushed across the floor. Again she seemed to calm down, but I felt bad for Eileen. It seems she’s probably put up with a lot of temper tantrums, which is about what this seemed like. I liked Jack and Eileen a lot better than their daughter. But, you have to give her a break.

It was probably the most emotional day in her life and she wanted things definitely her way. It was her night.

The other thing I wanted to comment about was that I had a very good time talking to Bob the guy next to me. We compared notes fairly frequently. I was glad to have someone to talk to especially when Rich was engaged with the others. I was out of hearing distance so I pretty much let the other conversations go. One of the things we were watching together was a group of about five four to six year olds who had been in the wedding party. They had the dance floor mostly to themselves and used it like a recreation room. The girls were all dressed in the same outfit and looked like little bells of the ball. I really had a good time watching their free spirits. They chased and ran and twisted and turned and were very good examples of kids having fun. It was like watching a moving centerpiece.

So that was about it of the wedding. I think we did pretty well in Rich’s eyes. We did scold him for drinking a wee bit much; we were in a pretty good stable mood or parts though until after we fell asleep in the car. That’s a lot considering where we have been the last week or two. We’ve been very emotional and need to somehow control that better. It’s like we never know from second to second which part is going to be here with which mood. I think Rich has to keep channeling we back and that’s disturbing that we put so much on him in our self-care. I don’t know why all the ups and downs, but with the book being the hottest ticket in town, we’re thinking that all of us are a bit more vulnerable know not knowing what is going to happen next.

I suppose we have a little break here and it is about noon, so I think we’re going to do a little more picking up and then jump in the shower. I’m thinking we’ll have time though on the other end, so we’ll meet up with you in a few moments. K?

AHA! Back! We’ve got the Bears game on the background. I believe Rich is recording it so I can’t tell him we’re winning big time in the first quarter. We didn’t have much choice he was recording either fishing or football and if we were going to have it on we had to choose. Ok, girls what’s it going to be next?

The place is picked up again and we took our shower. This is the nice part of company where everything is done and looks nice and you have leisure time to spend. WooHOO!! It’s nicer when the company gets here, but I really like this nice quiet time too. I think that Jill is still in town, but I’m not sure about that. This time was set up just for Jon.

Ahh we’re dressed now too. That is pretty much a good idea no matter who the company is!

I’m not sure if we have too much more to do on this entry. I think we’re caught up as to the real news if it can be called such. I think we have at least 45 minutes before Rich and Jon get here. I’m hoping they just have me come downstairs, because I’m a bit on the hungry side, and I’m sure Jon is too. He usually gets up late AND hungry as far as we can see. It would be a good idea to get some editing done.

I just caught that Rich just called. I guess Italian is out and we’re doing B & B. I’m not sure which one that is though I took it because it seemed better than Tony’s. I think of that one as more a breakfast place. The atmosphere at the Bohemian place is pretty sterile and the waitresses make a habit of not smiling.

So we’ll see. He said they were about a half hour out. I think then I’m not going to do the editing just yet because it’s too much thought and our mind is a little fluttery.

Think our hair is almost dry … that’s a good part. Man if my mind got any less interesting I’d have to brand us different. I think we’re going out right away.

This is when it gets dangerous to write because anything silly could step out. I am really looking forward to lunch. Jon’s so lain back and casual. I have a good amount of problems though when it comes to his kids that I’m not good enough. It’s not that this is what they are thinking it’s pretty much what we think of ourselves. I think we’re pretty normal and not so exciting. It’s time like this I wish I was like that woman at the dance last night with the older man. She likes to just get down to business in talking with others; she’s very good with strangers.

We’ll give ourselves about ten minutes before we try to struggle with our hair again. On a warm day like this it’s better to put it up. Oh seriously does our thoughts never get more than just trivial? Well dear, I have to say that we’re at a pretty trivial place. We didn’t talk about our writing before and we’re going to try not talking about it again … unless Rich brings it up first and believe me he never does. I don’t think Jon is the type either to ask questions. He takes everything that filters down to him. I really like it when he’s animated. He does that very well if he’s not tired.

AHA! We didn’t do too much wrestling. We just put our hair in a tiny ponytail. That’s about as much hair as we got to do things with. We’re all ready; we just have to unplug our phone and go. Good girls!

Ok, let’s pretend we had something very significant to tell you. What would that be? Hmm, maybe Rich is going to be around and frisky tonight. NO! We don’t want to go there! Silly girls, you just lost your status! Rich said there were going to be a couple of surprises tonight. We’re kinda hoping it will be like ice cream. That would be a very good surprise. I haven’t done much sewing this week, maybe I will just do some of that. It would have to mean leaving Rich alone though and he’s pretty neat to be with too. I think though he has a new book from the library he seems very eager to be reading. I’m sure he’s going to say its fine if I do something else.

Then it would be just my own gumption. Pswhoo! That’s a tough call! It would have been a nice day to take Rich back to where he lives. I don’t think Rich wanted to do that though. He really did surprise me though in that he cleaned up his car. I didn’t watch for him to be coming and going, but he went to a professional car wash place. The only thing is to clean out his car; he put stuff in MY car. Oh man … that surely didn’t go well. I don’t remember his excuse as to why he was doing it … something was going to get shuffled somewhere. But, why to MY car … my car has NOTHING junky in it! HMPF!

Ok, let’s not tizzy-out here. Better get this posted, and plan to be on the move, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment