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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Saturday morning ... better get going.

Good morning. This is me. I’m not feeling great and I should be because it’s a Saturday morning. It’s about 9:45 A.M. now. Both of us got up around 7:30 A.M. and Rich made the coffee this morning. Usually that’s my job, but periodically he wakes up before me. I’ve been up doing computer things and he has been watching TV or videos. It’s all been about fishy things. I don’t remember the last time he had a morning to wake up without something to be doing immediately. It’s been nice to have him around; just sometimes he will play something that makes it hard to concentrate. Better that he spends some time home though.

I didn’t have such a good day yesterday. The stuff with CS was weighing on my mind and I woke up with it again today. We received a note in the general Facebook note page that makes me think we took Linda back a bit in shock. Took us back a bit too, but we couldn’t let it go. Instead we canceled out officially of the weekend for sewing and we said that we were going to be pulled back for a while until we could figure out some of our anger and frustration.

I don’t think it’s really fair that they have to be going through it. Because I’m having bad feelings then it’s really up to me to sort that out. She’s just being her. Chances are that it would have to be me that changed and not her. But, then we go back to the part where we don’t want to be put in the position of always being the one to figure things out between us. She gives me a short stack relationship and then I sit with all my moods concerning that. I just need some time to figure it out - more than likely though the book is adding tension on me and we should get through that first.

Right now she’s pretty much pretending that I’m not here. So we’ll let that happen for a while. Maybe she can still have Linda and Emily and the twins support her for whatever position she puts on them. I think as to the weekend though it was much too much for me to think that she was going to be a patient or a victim all that time I’d be stuck there. I love the concept of doing nothing, but sewing, it’s just a lot of pressure. She had said that it was completely my choice as to the weekend whether I wanted to go or not. Push come to shove, I didn’t want to go in that circumstance.

I’d still like to be doing the sewing though. I’ve got enough here to work with, it’s just that nothing will get completely finished. She’s got a couple of our minor quilts, plus Rich and Bob’s fish quilts and Sister’s quilts. I’d just as soon not think of it. Maybe if there’s any money from the book we can have them professionally quilted. I don’t know … Just too much to think of now. Maybe all of this will blow over. I had stated before there were problems and she did nothing to take care of her part of it or even acknowledge that there were problems, and then there was the push for this weekend. I think it’s more important for her to have me at the weekend then to resolve problems. There’s only so far I’m able to go with all that.

Horoscope says today to let all the worrisome parts go and engage in the fantasy building that is more uplifting. I really believe I can do this if I try a bit harder - just got to keep jumping back to the parts that make more sense or give us more a sense of making headway. Yesterday what we did most the afternoon instead of editing was to work on a new program we had ordered called House Beautiful. Man … if you want to talk about fantasizing, this would be the way to go.

It’s a pretty complex little program that lets you build your own house, but in more detail and with more choice making then the old Sims games, but on the same principle. You start with the foundation and build walls and roofs, and everything else in between. You can also do quite a big of landscaping including making little hills or swimming pools and such. It also allows you to do all the fancy stuff with paint, wall paper, floors, lighting and furniture. There’s a bit of a learning curve, but I started by watching all the videos first. I just got to practice.

Part of giving ourselves more time to be working on that project is that it takes away from some of the other work and that is time taken away that can’t be given back. I’m not sure where to put it on my priority list. Maybe it should go toward those times just after the writing where we are stuck because we’re done, but want to fantasize about the house. There are some really cool things in that you can do aerial views or if you were looking at a doll house, or from any angle of the room. It’s really a nice program. It’s not professional in that you only get the choices it has selected in its bank. You do however get to work with the pieces to change their shape or decorate them differently. It would have been nicer if you could bring in real pictures or somehow make your own wallpaper and such, but I’m such a far place away from doing all these little things, they become really little things.

We made toward the end of our computer time yesterday the “O Dream Board” over at Oprah’s site. It was just a ten minute fun thing, but we find that we are still looking at it. Julie and Vickie stopped by to say they liked it too. Let me put it one more time here ok?

Nice isn’t it? The original didn’t have Rich in it, but he said it couldn’t be a dream board unless he was included too. We agreed and made the change. Without him in the house with us the whole thing would be pretty empty. I’m in a place now that we’re probably doing too much standing still. We’re going to have to turn the page to advance things.

Sweetie is getting out of the shower now … maybe we’re going to check out him getting dressed, BRB.

Ahh that was nice. It kinda put us a little spacey though. He is such a good Rich!

Ok, you … you need to be a little more serious than this! What’s happening? Where is your mind? Well, besides there and the house … nothing much else going on.

Rich said he lost the directions and such so we will only be going to the reception and not the wedding. I’m OK with that and it gives me a little more chance to be around today. He’s back to the TV because he’s eating a little something now so he won’t get hungry while he’s out. It’s about 10:30 A.M.

As to other things getting done … I think that what I should do is work on the second book. That would give me some feeling of doing something concrete. Sewing and getting home too late will probably mix badly. I think I will take my shower and all by about 3:00-3:30 P.M. That would give me about five hours. That’s not too bad. I wish I could be doing something more toward the first book, but we are at that place of waiting.

Hmm, there is something! I haven’t said too much yet except that we talked to Carolyn yesterday. We got her before she left. She was going to something cultural with a friend and then she was going to stay over at her Grandma’s and then the friend was going home and then her husband was coming to pick her up. We seemed to talk a lot about the area around Victoria and that it was a very big island and how they would have to cross over to the mainland on very expensive ferries. It was another way to think that I’d not mentally gone through before. It sure is a pleasure to talk to Carolyn. We talked some business too. She says according to their schedule that the first proof might be coming back as soon as next Friday. And, she also suggested that we have a meeting with Marie their marketing person on that day. I was very excited to hear that!

I should get back the cover about the same time the first proof comes back. Hopefully by that time too both Dr. Marvin and Dr. Woollcott will have their sections written. Carolyn is trying to figure out what to call what … she says there is a foreword, a preface and an introduction, so chances are all these three things between me and the doctors will be included as something separate.

We also talked about the book cover. She said it wasn’t too big a deal and that they could assure that the doctors’ parts got written on the cover. I think that would be a draw to anyone looking at the surface of the project. I thought that was important because even though they hadn’t written anything like what I had, between the two of them they have put in 18 years of my life. That’s a very long time and I owe them the biggest thank-you I can give them. Carolyn seemed to understand it. I will also appreciate looking at the cover and seeing their names.

It will feel secure to me as it has always been to being attached to them. I’d like to think it were more than just dependency needs. Most the time I just feel very proud of them and proud of myself too when I think of it.

Hmm, Rich just left. He’s got some errands to run. I think he needs screws for his boat, stop by at the library, pick up hi mail and maybe one or two other things. I guess he’s a busy Saturday type morning guy. It’s quieter here now … he put on some sound escape music. I asked him to just make sure it was on low. It’s about 11 now and I really don’t have any reason not to be working. Maybe if I just got the flash drive and didn’t make such a big deal of it – that be a good idea, right?

AHA! I did a good Ann. I picked up the whole house including dishwasher and making the bed. Bet you Sweetie didn’t see that one coming! It should make him in a happy mood. :) I think one of the next things I do is to dust. Still see too much of that from the position I sit here at the computer. Naw, he wouldn’t mind if I did that ;)

I’m going to give my back a few moments of rest and then I’m going for the flash drive. So is there anything else to think through here? – Is there anymore from Carolyn? Aah, I remember now. We talked about multiplicity for a bit. I think we went over a few questions and she laughed about the book long question on the development of personality for normal people. She said that was from a particularly smart guy in her office … I think he did sociology or something. But, the thing was she asked about the show US of Tara. She said she watched one episode and she asked us about it. My first response was that it was pretty hokey. Like parts didn’t go around for x part of the day dressed in different manners. We talked of the show being done to entertain not to teach.

That then reminded me about the Oprah show my mother recommended. After sometime last night Linda brought up that she’d seen the show too. She had more questions after seeing it. She said she picked up a book on her Kindle on multiplicity. I don’t know what people see when they see these kinds of shows. I think they set the meter high on the “startle factor,” much like the books put out. That’s when we remembered to tell her that we’d ordered the transcript from the show. I’m really disappointed with that so far. We were billed for it and it was supposed to be here this morning and what we got was a link to something that said our transcript was no longer there. Like what?? What? I paid for that!

So we did our normal Ann think and took back-up pictures to prove dates. They wanted to say that it was only available for five days. But, the show was only three days ago. We ordered it on the eighth and it’s the ninth now. I’m sure they are going to have to fix it, but in the meantime I’m most likely going to need waiting three to four days before they even get back in the office. This is terrible service! Plus they were too high charged in the first place. It’s a rotten service. Ok, that’s enough of all that …

Just the point was that Carolyn would be interested in getting the transcript too. So hopefully things smooth out so that we can get the transcript before the Friday meeting. I’m not sure what time, but Carolyn was sure as I was that Oprah having a recent show might affect sales on the book. I told her that after we got the transcript we would write something on what we thought of it and perhaps send it in to the Oprah show. I don’t think they will do anything with it, but it’s good for me to be thinking through and writing something and might become part of the foreword. In the same token, we might ask Dr. Marvin if he wants to look at it.

It might be asking him too much to do on his dime though. On the other hand I’m sure he doesn’t want to embarrass himself or make it look like he’s not caught up with the common perception of the disorder. I don’t know, maybe he has a firm enough idea as it is, or will just listen to our take on reading. One way or another I’ll give him a copy, IF I ever get one.

It seems that Rich must have forgotten his phone. I hope he wasn’t planning on making calls when he was out. Usually that’s his time to be calling the kids. I’m pretty sure most of them sleep in during the mornings. It seems they are more likely to be up than over here. Chief is meowing too. I wonder what that is about. I suppose it’s then time to be moving on? Let’s get something down so we can write about it, K? That a girl!

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