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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Retreat and Sister troubles ...

Hi. This is us again. We just checked and a week seems to have gone by without anyone writing. I don’t know all of why that happened, but some of it was because we were doing so much sewing and quilting that we didn’t have time for anything else … well except for eating and talking. We did a good amount of that too. It was a perfect long weekend. We were at the quilting retreat from Wednesday until yesterday Sunday afternoon. Pswhoo it was a whirlwind trip I don’t know how much we’ll be able to do about it in writing, but our goal is to write now for two and a half to three hours. I suppose we should try to figure out first what happened on Monday and Tuesday? Hold on.

It seems the first part was that Rich was hurting bad. He had crutches for a while, but gave them back sometime during the time we were gone. For a while he was wheeling himself in a chair. Too many door things that made going over them hard – maybe door jams? Is that what they are? Ok, better move on.

Ok, there’s going to be some reconnecting here, but not sure how much. Our notes left off on telling something about our weekend away where we went to see the Grand National Marching Band competition. Almost forgot about that part. I think the most part was that we were thinking about the quilting retreat and trying to finish up some stuff with the writing. We’re going to sneak over to the emails to see if we can pick up some clues there. I have to look … If today is Monday the 22nd that would mean last Monday was the 15th, right?

Seems that we did something for the center’s newsletter on Monday and Tuesday we had an appointment with Dr. Marvin. I think the major part was talking about the problems we’d had with my sister at the last retreat and of late and figuring out how to handle all that. Up to that point we hadn’t packed yet, but we knew pretty much what we were going to work on.

I had talked to Maury about not having enough money with the business concerns this year to pay money for gifts. But, he had suggested making something for the kids.

So then we came up with the idea of making a wall hanging for everyone’s birthday month. That’s all that we were working on over the long weekend. We finished three new ones, and did the back for one. I had completed two before and had given one to CS, but she was going to give that one back because we needed two for that month. Basically then all I need to do for Maury’s family is one January.


These are the things we’ve been doing.

Hmm, it’s the next morning and we haven’t got too much time to be writing. I’m a little discombobulated. I was doing some thinking along a line, but then Rich needed to tell me about his printing problems. I like supporting my baby, but it didn’t take so much to lose my place.

Let’s see I’ve got about a half an hour. What is on my mind if we weren’t falling in between the creases? I’m really having a hard time figuring out what I should be doing or thinking about. Maybe if I start more easily. Rich is printing out something. I’m sitting here writing, but not knowing what my mind is thinking.

Everything is a little fuzzy. I’m not sure what area I’m supposed to be writing about. Maybe if I just pick something the rest will start to fill itself out.

Hmm, is there anything about the book project? I don’t remember doing anything with it yesterday. Maybe I wrote a few things, but I’m thinking not much more on that. Shoot why am I having such a hard time figuring all this out? Maybe if I just try to think one thing at a time without thinking the big picture.

Rich is printing out something on the printer. I’m being discombobulated. I’m thinking that I’m pretty appreciative of CS for letting me use her computer until I meet up with her a bit. My other computers are down and out for some reason, I don’t remember. Just that we have to keep writing and wait for us to get some money to get the other back into shape. I don’t remember what exactly the problem is. I think the netbook has some kind of virus and I don’t remember what’s going on with the big computer. We just haven’t gotten ourselves together enough to figure out those thoughts.

Did I write the part where we were ordering something? I think we placed the order already. I think it had something to do with Christmas gifts. Hmm, I have to remember … Maybe I left a clue in my email? I know it had something to do with printing pictures of stuff on some kind of things that has to do with the boys and their loved ones. Maybe I left a link somewhere … Hold on, let me check. Hmm, I don’t seem to be able to figure out where we left the bread crumb trail. I don’t remember where we ordered stuff from. I think it cost about $125, but I don’t remember what. I think there was gifts in that Cari got a sweatshirt saying something like fighting like a girl, and then Joe got something about saying he respects that she fights like a girl … I think Cari’s is a sweatshirt and Joe’s is an apron. And, then Maury and Niki got aprons that have a picture of themselves with something like “gotta love the cooks!” And then there were 5 key chains ordered one for each of the girls and one for me saying something like “I’m with them” and it has a picture of Maury and Niki. Maybe that’s about it?

I don’t know what got me to thinking about all that. Maybe something came through the mail about ordering or maybe it was part of something that we’re regularly tuned into, but I had just got to feeling that I hadn’t done enough for them. I would like it too if we could get them some money, but I’m not sure that is happening. I seem to remember something about needing money for something. I don’t remember exactly, but probably has something to do with the book.

I think in general this took up the rest of the day we had while we were writing to be going to the blog. I think I’m going to start another message next about what was happening at the retreat. I’m thinking I still haven’t covered those bases, but maybe have you caught up to most of today and yesterday, hmm? Well at least some of the basics. I hope I’m good with the gifts. I think that each of the boys is like into whomever as to being new romantic relationships. Joe and Cari got married this year, and Maury and Niki found each other. That’s a good enough reason to set up the pictures. I think it all started when I found the sweatshirt about fighting like a girl. That’s so much Cari – and then we just had to fill in the others. It’s hard to be a Mom at Christmas, because you just can’t do enough.

Ya know?

I don’t have CS’s pictured here … we forgot that one. I’m thinking now that we might make one for Joe and Cari too. I don’t think Thom would be interested and we don’t seem to be in a relationship with Alexis any more. Hmm, Joe’s birthday is in February and Cari and Thom’s are in April. We’ll have to figure that out. It means making another heart and I’m not sure

Ok, we’re back. I think we forgot to save what we typed this morning, but since we don’t remember what we typed, maybe we didn’t type anything? Not sure. I think I got up with Rich, but maybe we were doing something else on the computer. We’re not going to get real excited about it. Just figured we should be getting through with the business of the retreat. I’ll have to look and see where we left off.

Now I’m remembering in that we typed what was above the picture so that’s why we didn’t see our words since being here yesterday earlier. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to make good sense … just follow the path, k? We condensed the picture to be that which is above in reference to camp. It seems as if we really haven’t gotten to the retreat notes yet. I think we’ve come in and out of the thoughts during writing efforts to particular people. We still have to cover our basis leading up to the event and thereafter.

Well actually it doesn’t look like there are too many references. I guess you get the condensed version. The only thing remembered is that we had to do some stuff before we left on Wednesday. We had to pack, and then we had to load the car – without Rich’s help and then we had to stop at Walgreen’s to get a few personal items, and then we stopped to get our donut and coffee and then we stopped at the UPS store. We had talked to our printer – yup got one now – the night before. And we had to do some ironing out of that, but it wasn’t a big deal. Bottom line is that he works out of his house, so he got the printed business cards I wanted to our UPS store in time for us to pick them up. I was really happy with that … This is what they look like! Cool, hmm?

I like them a lot. They are more normal size though. I got packed up and left for my errands at about 9:30 A.M. so I could be out of town at 10:30 A.M. I had set up very strict times with CS. I told her when I was leaving and that I would be there between 12:45 – 1:00 P.M. I told her I would help her but that we were going to be leaving at 2:00 P.M. to be at the retreat by 3:00 P.M. when it opened. At 10:30 A.M. I called her to say that everything was still on time. She said well could we stop at the pharmacy first. I told her then that we would leave her house at 1:45 P.M. to maintain the schedule. Apparently, she went out and got the medicine herself or through Mark, so we didn’t have to worry about that. But, we had found out after getting to her place that it was an hour and fifteen minutes so we left at 1:45 P.M. anyway.

The ride up was nothing special. I think we were listening to music and practicing going just a LITTLE over the speed limit, but not much. We were still thinking of business processes because half the way up we were holding the business card to sneak peeks. When we got to CS’ we ate a boloney sandwich and watched the way CS and Uncle Marky were interacting. We reminded CS several times to be doing the getting ready things when she started to gravitate to one spot. Are the dogs out?

Is there anything in the dryer? Did you get your bathroom stuff? To her credit she was mostly packed, but still needed to go through that release of house, Mark and the dogs. We’d budgeted the hour, but no more. Mark was really too foggy to talk to. He needed to discharge from CS too. *Sigh* It’s a process.

We talked or at least listened and asked a lot of questions throughout the drive about what CS and family had just gone through with the death of Mark’s mother.

There was a lot of frustration because she had put in the will that no one was to receive any money until they were 60 years old. That really upset things for the people involved. But, even that was a process to think through. Basically, they would have money for their retirements. It wasn’t such a bad plan.

There was also conversation on Mark’s sister. She might be coming to stay with CS and Mark, but maybe not. It’s all up in the air. I think she is due today and that she’ll be staying over through Thanksgiving. CS asked us what we were doing, but we were already committed to Rich’s Mom and Bud. I suppose if it were fair we would go up north for a late Thanksgiving on Saturday, but I think Rich has to work one of those days to catch up what he missed this week in days off. I’ll bring it up to Rich to see what he thinks, but the idea is coming late to me. I think Nancy the sister is planning on cooking.

We talked to CS about having another woman in the house that would be fairly commanding and perhaps the idea she just plan to stay for a month or so until she could get resettled in West Bend. I guess she’s pretty sick of Rochester and has nothing good to say of the place. I’m not so sure that Mark doesn’t want to move either, but there’s too much going on there as to his work. I know he’s talked of the house being too big for the both of them, but definitely if the sister came to live with them the house would fill up.

I can’t imagine CS and Nancy getting along seriously because they would both compete for Mark’s attention and authority over matters. But, that will be between them, one thing at a time, and that means let us check out today and tomorrow and the holiday first. Nancy has a couple of small dogs, so that would have to be checked out too. CS said Nancy is used to them using a couple indoor mats and I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to work. Also there would be room accommodation. CS is moving toward that Nancy moves into the sewing room and CS sewing room moves downstairs, but the room will be finished. They still have some nest egg with Mark’s school retirement, but then it would be replaced with his Mom’s retirement money. Just they still have to get to 60 and that’s ten years down the line for Mark and about six years for Nancy. Pretty sure they’d be on their own by then.

I’m not sure who needs the bigger space in the basement more between CS and Nancy.

Rightfully if she was going to stay she should have a bedroom and at least some living space like a living room so she can watch TV or read or whatever on her own. CS is just seeing a bigger space for her sewing needs, but if it were really fair, she would move down stairs and give Nancy her bedroom for a separate living space. Or, they could both have bedrooms upstairs and separate spaces downstairs for the living area. There’s a bedroom down there and they would obviously need another bathroom. There is enough room that CS and Nancy both have some room down there, but Mark needs some space too for his “man/school” stuff and it isn’t fair that CS take just the space for her long arm in front of the windows, because there are no windows in the back. I don’t think CS is the type to be giving up too much.

Hmm, I have a few things there too that would have to be moved or thrown. I wonder if they are going to use that TV down stairs of Thom’s. Maybe it could be in Nancy’s spare room. Eh who knows … enough of that all. They will have a lot of figuring to do in the next three to five days. Good luck there. Me? I’m just an innocent bystander. No opinion as to how to make that work best for everyone. It be a strain and I wouldn’t sit around to coddle anyone. They’d have to make peace with themselves. I am still being offered the couch to visit, but I am not taking it further than that. It does seem that they’ve filled in the table from Thom quite well. There was anything there but the simple table runner. But again … that’s on them. Rich and us have enough problem keeping the table in the living room clear.

I’m glad CS and Mark are considering the welfare of Mark’s sister … just there are going to be a lot of problems for them to work out. God Bless them all 

I think some of the questions we were asking CS were new thoughts to her and I felt as if we furthered her thoughts; just we didn’t go back to them. I didn’t have any serious conversations with her after we got there and the trip back was discussing having been on the trip. That was a pretty easy conversation.

Now I think we are up to the point of the trip. We took an extra ten minutes getting there because the address wasn’t sufficient for the maps. It only gave us where the highway was and not the fire number. We stopped then for gas and directions. The place seemed fine rolling in … there are always hesitations as to what you’ve gotten yourself into. As we stated before we were pretty sure we were only going to be unpacking ourselves and CS seemed to understand this too.

She didn’t like though the table she was given because it was in the middle of two tables. She complained and made Ann the owner cranky about it. CS pushed the tables a little further apart, but generally had to get used to it. I sure didn’t want her back where I was. We were working on the part where a little space would do us good. I was in the back third and she was in the middle third. She had to handle being at her table all alone until Emily came in the next day and she made it clear she didn’t like the people on either side of her. I was like … nope, nope can’t help you there. I like the people I was with just fine.

I knew Linda my partner of course, and I knew the lady kitty corner across the table from me. The two ladies in back of me, one across from me and the two beside me I didn’t know, but hey … they seemed nice  The church lady across from me was the only one beside our Linda that talked a lot. But, she didn’t do it with me, so we were ok there. I managed to be pretty busy during the days, and then during the evenings – late evenings, I would do more visiting.

The one’s naturally that I knew the best were the ones in our little group.

Everyone was as great as we’ve always known them to be. The two ladies in back were co-workers and had known each other for a long time. They were happy people and current and one worked on this beautiful blue quilt while the other worked on four frogs for her grandchildren. We would talk back and forth with them, but more often after they had already stopped and we felt included in other conversations that had stopped by our foursome.

I didn’t talk too much with the sideways neighbors, but they were friendly and gave compliments and smiles. I felt shy of them because they seemed so much more experienced than we were, but at some point I asked them a technical question and they both turned and then it was Mary that was helping me. She was very considerate and knowledgeable and we said a few things that seemed to give us a bond, that made me proud to know her. I really respected her and felt humbled.

There were several people who stopped to give extra encouragement, especially in seeing that we were doing something more complex especially for a newbie.

I didn’t know how to respond, except we made sure to say thank you and then we tried to focus on something else. We’re still having a hard time with compliments. The inner parts love them, but we don’t want to seem over-appreciative and needy. I thought the lady across from me was a bit on the needy side and we didn’t want to be thought of like that. With our younger part enthusiasm to show-off it was sometimes hard. We took the stance though of many of the women there where you just work and work and give a mere sideways glance as to your own accomplishments. It was more like you weren’t doing anything more than was expected women of this caliber.

I only talked to Karen another employee of Ann’s a little bit. A couple of times I asked her help and she seemed to bend backwards giving it to us. Once was cutting some middle stuff and the other was holding something we were tracing against the window. I was appreciative. She seemed busy and focused inward, but I knew that there had been some hardship between Ann and her employees. Afterward someone told me there were now only four employees. Just gotta stay away from that kind of business. I was having enough trouble trying to be a good sister combo.

The lady across from Karen was supposed to be one of her friends, but she was another store owner who sold crafty things like beads and embroidery. When she set out to open a store at Ann’s place I guess it caused some friction and about Friday morning, she was gone. She didn’t seem overly friendly, but she might have been cranky about the work relationship between Ann and her. Ann was pretty honest in saying she’d worked hard for this to be taking care of her business needs and not others.

I had thought out all those thoughts previous, and I brought up once that I was publishing a book, but then I just left business cards and a pre-order form on the table and decided it was up to anyone who wanted to pick up the materials if they were interested. I did no selling of the book while I was there. I did tell some people when they missed me that I had had a telephone business meeting with the publishers Friday afternoon. But, that was it. Along with all that – during the intro – I did say I was a multiple and I thought that pretty much put me out there, and that throughout the time, I would be brought through a strainer in that the feeling was that I represented people not only as multiples, but also as having mental illness. I figured they would have thoughts after getting to know me a bit as to how all that stood for them.

I think for the most part I made a good impression. There was one lady and her peer a little aloof and some people mostly on the far 1/3 of the room that I just didn’t get to, but that’s to be expected with such a big group. The one lady who’s more aloof tends to be one that will baby CS some so we just figure that’s a relationship we’ll leave alone. I do admire her for the work she does. She does more little detail stuff like I do than anyone else was doing. This couple was there last year as well.

Another couple that was there was Sandy and Mary. We tend to call her tall Sandy. She was one of my favorites from last year. She’s a beautiful woman with two high school girls and she is the one that works with the FBI. AND, she definitely comes to sew. Her partner is Mary who is her ex-sister-in-law. They seem to get along pretty well. Sandy was working mostly on purses and I’m not as familiar with what this second Mary was doing. It was a little tough between us – Sandy and us because we were looking so forward to seeing her, but felt stumbly, because one or more of our relationships have a crush on her. Someone said something about being attached to her like “Big Bird,” and then that pretty much gave us an idea which parts were attached. When the Casies and Anniemi were out it was hard to even talk to poor Sandy. Later Jamie came out and everything was fine and the conversation was more equalized. All in all it was tiring because of so much emotional energy.

Saturday night we had our first real discussion with Mary Sandy’s SIL. Wow … didn’t see that one coming. She let it be known very quickly from something I had said in that she was a starch Libertarian. I thought ok, if we’re not going to chicken out here, we’re going to settle back, and put our feet up and figure out where that takes us. I think we must have debated points for about 45 minutes. I knew most of her talking points and could give an equal rebuttal, but she was fond of saying it is a fact! And, you just gotta know us by now we’re not buying into anyone’s fact especially someone with that much opinion. She made it pretty clear where she stood along racial lines and that was just downright jarring. A couple of times she went as far to insinuate I was a socialist like all Obama’s cronies.

We let it slide and eventually the conversation wore out and she left kinda frustrated. When she went down fox holes I wasn’t familiar with, we stated that … I don’t have that kind of information. The point was that I wasn’t going to be yelled at for having all the opposing opinions she felt so strongly about.

This was the biggest conversation I’d had on politics since I started listening to CNN which of course she took to be left and far left. It was truly a learning experience. Afterward, when she left, I went back to my table, but then decided to pull something together and go sit over by the twins and closer to the second Linda. I think mentally they checked me out to see if we were ok, but then they started laughing. The favorite thing became to be calling me “you socialist!”

Yeah like ok, that was a bit confusing, but I understand what she was doing. I think that the twins and us were probably all more liberal, but not far left. I think they respected my position, but then again stated basically they wouldn’t have touched it with a ten foot pole. I knew what they meant in that it was me who got us in deep with it, but I teased them back for all the support they’d given me. I don’t think they thought I needed but it was kinda a strange thing too.

Sandy wasn’t there, although I’m sure that Mary told her about it after. I don’t know Sandy’s viewpoint, but I would know her to be an independent thinker so I could only say she might think like Mary, but might not. And, then we would let it go at that.

None of us talked too much Sunday, and when I saw the two of them walking down the road together, I thought I’d lost my opportunity to give them a hug. But, they came back and I was quick to jump out of the car. First Mary and then Sandy. I really do like them, but of course, especially tall Sandy. We left with a see you again later next year. She was told intermediately that some with had a crush on her, but she seemed to think it was interesting, but didn’t go further, so neither did we. I felt much prouder of us this year in not having fawned over her as much as the year before. She still is pretty and so very alive and quick!

Emily sat back to back with Mary with CS across from her. Linda and us were side by side. I kept some awkward space between me and Emily for a while too. It seemed ok, but not necessarily safe. She was enough into the CS issues that I didn’t know how to approach her. I didn’t know how frustrated she would be with me from pulling back from the group as long as I had. I think our first real good conversation came on Saturday night. By then CS had disappeared into her world of sickness for the last couple of days.

I think Emily really needed someone to talk to about it and we needed someone too.

We went over quite a few things, one of which was Emily’s decision that I was really having a good time. I very clearly admitted that I was just having the best time. I was doing my work yet getting to know as many people as I could too. I felt happy to know Emily. I noticed that she, Linda and the twins – like most people were getting around to each other. You would never know where the next conversation was coming from. Everyone except CS and the lady that left seemed to be having a good time. I made sure to tell Emily that my problems with CS mostly stem from the sense of being controlled or dominated by this sick world of CS and our thoughts that it was a plea for attention.

A bit ago this morning, I addressed the issue after CS had very seriously dumped on John from the couple of Mom and John. It was my general opinion that although I don’t have a deep trusting relationship with her, I did respect her person and for the fact she was still our mother. I felt that demanded some time and attention.

Though over the years you know that it’s been difficult for us too, it seems the more assure I feel of ourselves the easier it is to consider her situation. I think it is one thing to say you are not close and it is another thing to be “damaging” or “damming” another. I think my rep stands on trying to evaluate and analyze the relationships I am in, but for the most part, I tend to try figuring out why relationships upset me or behold me.

CS said of our stepfather that he had really declined in his mental reasoning because he couldn’t give her the information she was looking for after telling her that Mom had gone in the hospital. She made it seem like he was keeping them apart. She’d jumped to the conclusion with our without Mom that it was probably a heart issue or sinus infection and she was trying to get her up on a walker which didn’t interest my mother. She seemed put upon for having had the conversation, and then later I responded after having talked to our mother that we had understood that it might just be a bladder infection (that’s what the tests were indicating), mom also complained about shoulder pain and said she’d left therapy because it wasn’t any better. I was taken back in that there had been after a month no x-rays or MRI completed. I hadn’t liked the way she was denying the doctor’s conclusion or making it sound more mysterious than it already was. I commented on the family’s tendency to jump ship and look for medical problems to be more remarkable, and then I teased CS for being Dr. Tscharner and declining the mental processes of John. I had remarked to Mom that CS had thought John to be losing mental prowess, but she explained how tired the two of them had become with this.

CS responded again questioning the length of time it took for her to get to the doctor, but that was reasoned by me to be like ok, it’s Friday night or Saturday … maybe Monday we should call the doctor. It was only after she couldn’t get up they called the ambulance. CS took that to be that Mom was in denial about John’s “real” condition. CS didn’t like being put upon to do so much work in figuring out what was going on. She again claimed denial over the situation and said again the man was losing it. CS seemed to be upset that John was getting medical attention, but that Mom wasn’t although she must have been in pain for an infection. We both tend to feel she might be disappointed that it wasn’t something more serious or attention grabbing. But, then we talked out loud to CS that her situation wasn’t much different … we talked about the attention she had gathered between the women at the retreat by just disappearing and then sending for things such as crackers, pop and IPod instead of just taking the four minute trip up herself. It would give the appearance there was something more demanding than just a stomach ache from eating too much of the wrong kind of food.

CS said that time will tell … with all her medical knowledge she didn’t feel people were kept in the hospital for infections. She again claimed seriously that John wasn’t tired, but that he simply did not care about Mom and his priorities were more about hunting or such. She claimed that John was talking about some soap opera thing about things she eventually gave up on to find out more information of her mother for herself.

I told CS that she was holding a pretty condemning viewpoint and that John and Mom were after almost 35 years right for each other and that indeed he had been taking care of her and that I couldn’t think of a time over the 35 years that any of us three girls were asked to do anything for them. They are extremely independent. I told her that I didn’t hold too much at stake for mom being motherly, but that set of opinions came long before John joined the picture. I told her I was more interested in her mind more than her analysis of John. I wanted to know where all the anger was coming from and I asked if he had ever done or said anything bad to CS. I asked what had caused this level of frustration.

I think some of it has come from the vulnerability CS is facing in just having lost Mark’s Mom. I think she’s still waiting for that magical mother to appear and she believes that Mom is being kept from that role by John. I thought when the situation had gotten bad enough they had taken it to the hospital level. I didn’t agree that I would jump to that either. Again we talked to CS about her statements on Mom looking for sympathy was not unlike herself over the retreats and we went as far as to say that her situation would have been erased by her eating less of the right types of foods to have avoided upsets. I stated that I saw the pattern with both Scott and her saying that John doesn’t take care of mother, but whom else has? I did say it was nice of her to give Mom and John a quilt, but I didn’t think of anything else really nice being done by the three of us kids for them. I may have my emotional distance from them in not having ever developed ties to them, and yes I believed her mothering to be bad, but that she’d done well in living with the strained relationship to her children and that that was punishment enough. I didn’t aggravate the situation by thinking he was “Losing his mind.”

I couldn’t figure out what the hell that meant when coming from a family that was as dysfunctional all around as ours. It was as if she alone held the mental health key, instead of appreciating the efforts of a couple old people in their 70’s. I believe that borderline runs in our family and narcissism. It’s still not damning. It’s important to understand why people are acting in such and such a way, but CS had seemed to indicate a catastrophe in that he was “losing it,” or worse abusing the relationship. I don’t know maybe she is thinking that somehow she is going to have to step in and take care of mom. I don’t see that happening even with me. If something were to happen with John, Mom would most likely go into a assisted living situation. She isn’t the type to become dependent on her children. I’ve worried over this before, but over the last couple of years we’ve heard of mother being involved with the “old folks.” We take that to be a step in that direction. She too seems to hold herself differently from them in that she’s got special powers she can endow on them, but that’s something in-line with being narcissistic. As long as I don’t have to deal with it, it is no skin off my nose. But then, I would think CS to not normally think that male “husbands” can take care of their spouses. Yeeks!

I will give this much credit to CS. With the situation changing with Mark’s family between mother and sister and in not getting the long hoped for financial stability, CS is probably pretty hard pressed. One other thing came up on the way to the retreat event. We brought up with CS that Mom had said because CS knew that we’d received $1000, that she felt she should receive $1000 too. CS hadn’t told me that, but from what I understood, mother had said no to the second request. I don’t know if CS hadn’t asked for money before, but the second more bothersome side of CS reminds me of what Sandy was saying CS was putting her through after the death of my father. There was supposed to be quite a few unattractive letters that went from CS to Sandy. I was embarrassed there and I was frustrated with this latest development.

I tried to explain to CS that it was a different matter. I wasn’t asking for sustenance, I was asking for more of a business investment in a product that I’d made. I told her of the obligation I felt and how I’d sent back to mother and John our business notes as to what was happening. I told her that Mom had a big part of our earliest history and had assisted in creating the ill health we’d been under.

I told her it was a way of saying I’m responsible for something, but now it is over. We have in a sense settled accounts. She didn’t owe me the $1000 and she may not have claimed direct responsibility, but there was some acknowledgement that our situation existed. She had to read the book before she invested, but as mom had said it wasn’t an investment in the book as much as an investment in me – and something we were doing. CS was just seeing $1000 turn hands that she wasn’t involved in. But, she hadn’t done anything, but racked up bills.

Speaking of I just uncomplicated a situation between us. I took out $100 from our business account and put it down on a $100 credit to Ann’s store for CS and had it mailed to her. I feel $100 less, but I’d purchased a $100 that CS was encouraging me not to spend, because she could cover it. We’ve got parts that have a lot of trouble not taking offered money, but we know the right thing was that we weren’t going to get involved in CS money laundering. It was in some respects a very nice gesture. We hadn’t been sure where that much money was coming from now that we are home we knew what had to happen. I want a clean account. We are still borrowing her laptop because we didn’t have the extra money to bring ours in to be cleaned again from the virus that got to it over the weekend. That had compounded the situation of us having mailed the keyboard away to be replaced by Logitech so not having access to our big computer.

Ok, and then there is this other stuff going on … It’s time to send this in and be done with it until we can go over it with Dr. Marvin. So we emailed him.

Dr. Marvin, could you save this for after when we get back to our session? It has to do with CS and my running conversation last two days. I'm sure I did things wrong in here, but we're trying. I liked the part of being a little more removed from the emotional obligation part. I still feel responsible for CS more than I should. Maybe there's something of a control freak in there too in my regard. I keep putting the mask on it as if she were someone else and not my sister. Would I still call her on things. Not sure ... it would depend on the relationship. I know if you did something wrong ... you would be the first person to know. Just you are pretty close to perfect *angelic wings* But, I didn't want to live in a three-way conversation between Linda, CS and Me (these letters were put out there) where this was the serious opinion of both her of me and our relationship to parent and step-parent. If I didn't say something it would be like I agreed. You already know what I feel of her rationality. I think it's about developing a trusting relationship, but these kinds of things put us over the craigy ledge. I also thought that I've heard for so long her relating to her MIL the same "ugly" way she had just used to describe John that it felt terrifying to me that she could unchecked continue that line of statements until he and mother died with or without leaving her money. It was like she just transferred over all that negative unreplenished energy.

Ok, back to me again. I’m going to have to figure out how to save content without directly saving it. But, I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe I will be a pro by the time we have to be concerned with publishing. For now … just trying to conclude thoughts so we can move on. Obviously this has wrapped me up today. Hmpf!

Shoot shoot ... time to go ... I'm supposed to be home in time for Rich and Jon to pick us up. Better get to it.

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