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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Some really mixed up thoughts

Good morning. We are starting with a little bit of assistance this morning. It’s about 9:30 A.M and we’ve done several things, but mainly write to Linda. After a bit we realized that what we were writing should be listed here, in that it had more to do with us thinking through some issues that are on our platter for the moment. So we’re going to add just this little bit of a segue, but we had gotten to the point of realizing that some of our aggravation with CS is that she has now two houses and we’re still not up to one. I’m thinking then that we’re talking green-eyed monster. This next part is excerpted from Linda’s letter.

It seems more apparent of late that I’ve been having this other part of my psyche prodded by not really what she has, but what I don’t have. It isn’t helping as to being objective as to what’s going on with that whole deal.

My mother said something when she was going over “in case something happened to her.” She said she hadn’t decided what to do with her house. It seemed pretty straight forward to me in that it would be sold and then divided, and it had struck me as odd that that hadn’t been decided with the rest of their estate. I’m thinking they have some money set aside and I know the house to be paid for. It made me curious later in trying to figure it out whether she was saying that to me as a way of offering the house to possibly me. I think that be pretty far-fetched, but I know there’s some fairness too in that … Everyone else has a house and she knew how much we had wanted one and how impossible it was.

I’m probably a million miles away and just being house crazy in my brain, but it made me think if offered would I move up to northern MN. I have to admit, I would. I think that it be harder on Rich than me. I think she loves the house enough to say that it shouldn’t be sold, but that be pretty limiting to do too. I do love northern MN though. I’ve always liked the snow and growing up in MN … moving north was the thing everyone aspired to. The house is very nice. It is open like I like so that Kitchen, dining room and living room are all open and it’s all on one floor. There is a master bedroom with bath and laundry off of that and then two more bedrooms with another bath. The basement is all open and could be used too.

It’s only a two car garage, but is sitting on at least an acre with a storage unit probably bigger than the garage.

I didn’t look at any of the bedrooms, nor did I see the laundry or master bath … just know that the middle part was nice. It had a vaulted ceiling and nice big windows. There were no houses behind them and the ones that were next to them were spaced nicely. How crazy would it be? I think I’d consider moving up there without Rich. Yeah, see … I’m feeling pretty nutty about this house business. I don’t think he would leave me or let me leave him, but there is some aggravation in the mix about not being married.

And, if something were to happen to Rich if he had anything it would go to his kids. All he really has is 1/3 of his house and what he owns into the boat. So most likely that’s about $100,000 plus he will inherit about $40,000 when both his mom and Bud go. I guess it’s her money and there is another $40,000 for his brother, but Bud will live off the interest until he’s gone.

Rich isn’t doing anything particularly special here and he’d have all the fishing he wanted up North. He said he wanted a single floor house and my mother’s is handicapped accessible. I would expect that I’d have trouble with siblings about getting the place though and my mother didn’t say that’s what would happen. Again, just being house crazy. I want to be a writer I could do that anywhere. I figured without having to pay rent or mortgage I could live off disability. As to kids which are the biggest consideration, I would have to consider that I see the boys very little. It’s been over a year since the girls have been over and they just live 20 miles away. There’s quite a bit of frustration in that.

Basically, what we’d be looking at is … where is my security as to aging? If anything were to happen to Rich I would have to get along in an apartment I could no longer afford. I was affording it before he came but that was before needing to make a car payment and school loans. Together that’s about $900. No, I couldn’t afford to live by myself in my own apartment. Rich pays half the rent and utilities and he covers food. Being realistic there’s a lot to consider. I’m pretty sure if I said tomorrow that Rich and I were done, my mother would clear out a bedroom for me. Be difficult living with her, but then we’re back to talking about how Ann were to survive. I’ve no illusions that my sons would want to take me in. At one point, we’d considered going to stay with my sister if anything happened, but frankly at this point, I would take my mother up in northern MN. I think we have stated before we’ve got bad memories of the Rochester area. Rochester to me means that’s where we went through shock treatment.

Ok, back. As we told Linda Wow! I didn’t see all that coming. It was a pretty big exodus for my brain to be going through. Basically the thought is as simple as this … if the house were to be inherited by me, I would move. Wow. I really have to examine my feelings as to where we are with Rich. I think added in here are other things that are pretty heavy to me. First there are family connections both ways … that of my mother and siblings and that of Rich and the boys. It feels pretty angering in thinking we would leave the people that we are closest too, but then there’s a lot to be said about some of the frustrations here like for example the part of being so distance from the boys. This includes not only not seeing the girls, or for that matter Austin, but then also not seeing the boys except in between holidays. We talk more to Maury than anyone and sometimes he will stop by, but it’s not a regular deal.

I think the hardest part is my thoughts on not being with Rich. Who is to say we could do things with sanity without him. I love him more than love itself, but there’s some problems that only I can think through … basically, there is his commitment not to be married, and second there is the problem of not being able to afford security now in the form of a house, but as well security in the future. We were serious in that his children will inherit from me, and not only is that set up with me being empty-handed, but as well he carries only one life insurance and that goes to his wife. It was a condition of the divorce. Because we are not married, I would not stand to collect anything as to pension, or anything else that would fall to a widow.

I know it is a bit hard calculating, but I think responsibility wise I have to consider all of this too. I know the boys don’t want me living with them, nor would I ask them – more like pressure them into it. If they think I’m a lot and I’m 20 minutes away and they aren’t in more contact then what?

I think my mother like my sister on the other hand would accept me. This was the first time I considered between my mother and sister. I don’t think either of them is 100% sane. But as to lives in general, I have a lot more respect for my mother’s situation than CS. This move on CS part just isn’t making me feel great.

Because of the decisions we’re thinking through too I would have to say that I don’t see myself as acting much different. CS had an opportunity to move up in life so she jumped at it. She’s got a little situational difference in that the property she now considers hers is both her husband’s and SIL. It would be different if I were to consider my mother’s place IF and it’s a major if she would make the offer. It would be my mother … not me living off of my spouse … which I don’t have.

My mother built her life, it would be me moving in on that. There is no doubt that I would benefit by having connections through her with the community. I could appreciate her neighbors. I don’t know what the thinking would be like in moving from the fast moving Chicago area to a town of about 900 people. I’d have to think it be more relaxing and things like going to the local restaurant are big parts of the day. I think we’d have to consider myself as isolating myself. But, isn’t that what we’re planning on doing anyway? I don’t have a lot of people needs.

Most likely we’d consider the volunteerism route as well if we didn’t need to work and that is inviting to us. Mostly though it be the being able to sew and read part that I’d be going for. These needs are so huge to us.

Man. I can’t believe it’s all so serious of a consideration to me. I’m looking at the part too would it matter if my mother were there or not there? It would seem that it be better to be there while she were still alive. Those are all new thoughts. I wonder what the loyalty difference is between me and Rich and me and my Mom. There’s no doubt that Rich is the love of my life. But, that seems to be being battled with him not being able to provide a sense of safety for me as to our home. There’s a part of me wondering now just for the moment whether I would leave in a week or a month if knowing doing so meant inheriting the house.

Like a million times over it would be a hundred times better with Rich than not, but he’s not really the kind of person who would isolate himself. He’s talked before of retiring to a lake. I don’t know if he would like to live in a small town without a lake … I mean there must be something it is called “Deer River.”

But, the thing would almost have to be if I decided that was what was going to happen, would he follow me up. Or would he at least come and visit me 2-3 times a year, or would he maintain an interest of me at all. He is too handy to not gain some kind of job to keep him busy … most likely he’d get a job in sales or social assistance or something maybe working at AT & T which is major up there. He would probably work in Great Lakes or Bemidji which are to either side of Deer River.

The trip would only be like 15-30 minutes. I can’t believe there is many jobs in the town itself. It’s just too small.

I think we’d have to make a finished basement to give us some privacy. Wow … we’re really talking crazy aren’t we? Let’s think of brainstorming though … we’d need to figure out what the breaks are. I think my mother would love it in that it’s pretty much like she and John worked out as to helping my Grandmother, or he had his mother when she was alive or even for that matter the help going on with Margaret. I think there is enough room in the basement to build a flat. We would need some kind of family room and a sewing room and a room for which to do the computers. Maybe just make a bigger space as to the family room.

It hasn’t really been a problem so far to type or work in the living room with Rich … It’s kind of nice in that we keep tabs on each other. We’d also have to have a bathroom downstairs, and realistically our own washer and dryer – it wouldn’t matter to me if that was a part of the bathroom. We wouldn’t have a kitchen downstairs, but maybe a bit of a wet bar and microwave. I think it would be nice to have a bedroom down stairs too, but we might be begging space. I don’t know … I think she’s really got the upstairs taken up as to being her sewing room office and the other room as being her guest room. Those are two rooms you would really like to keep.

I think the deal would be that I wouldn’t have to pay rent … nor Rich if he were there … that would save $1000-1800 off having to make that much of a salary. I think we’ve got more space here on our third floor apartment, but what you’d be giving up would be a bit of your own life in a trade for helping my mother with her life and then inheriting the house. That would have to be part of the deal.

Ok, realistically, I think it might take a million years to convince Rich we should move. He’s got family, friends, and his mother. Maybe we’d have to work it out so that we didn’t go anywhere until after his mother was gone, but that I might go separately. I think I’m pretty crazy and willing to do that much.

The next very serious consideration is that I would have to leave the care of Dr. M. I don’t know if it would be so easy to find someone else, but there would have to be some kind of outlet. It be major to lose him, but I can’t consider it any more major than it would be to leave Rich and the kids. Yup yup we are talking about the desperate to get a house. Ok, ok girl … slow it down. I think we need to take another look at our dream house down here.

We’ve been talking to Rich … not about house stuff, but general stuff … his times were actually leave about 12:30 P.M. and get back about 5:30 P.M. That means he has about an hour and a half. Now that we are back to the computer we’re trying to figure out our most basic needs. I think we’ve got it almost figured out. I better get off this kick, but we’re thinking … we can be bought. It be really tempting if there was a redo downstairs AND we were to inherit the house. I’d have to figure squatters rights.

Rich saw the picture on the computer, he asked “what’s that?” I told him my next place … he said oh and kept going. He was getting ready to take a shower. So we talked over the shower running and said we’re going to move to my mother’s he said oh that’s nice. But, then he said he’s not moving to MN. We told him we might move there without him. We said that we weren’t marrying, would not inherit from him and if he was gone we wouldn’t be able to pay for our own apartment. Then we both pretty much stopped as he got into the shower. We’ll have to think some more if we’d even dare make such an offer. I’m pretty sure my mother doesn’t need me, just be thinking some kind of security. If she had the means to rebuild the basement … would she? Could SOMEBODY secure my future? I don’t know … we’ll have to see.

We’re back. Rich just left 10-15 minutes ago. It took us a few moments to get off the couch after he left because we were trying to handle stuff “shock-wise.” First no it wasn’t a big shock like something bad happened it’s just that we had a fairly real conversation as to housing and such. No advancements have been made. Just things unsure – that’s not always a good thing, but it is not a bad thing either.

Just we needed to progress the conversation. I didn’t think Rich would stay for the extra half hour. I expected only ten minutes.

What had happened is that we approached again the subject of moving to MN. Rich then went on most of the time explaining why he couldn’t move and how he was going to accomplish things here. In general it didn’t give me a sense of security. He was talking may in ten years having something half the size of what we wanted. He brought up he’d been saving again, but then said it would be going for his son’s wedding gift and to pay doctor and dentist bills and as well taxes.

So then it was like what money saved? We’re not talking anything different happening. I stayed quiet all the time he was talking, but then when he repeated that he was hopefully going to have enough so his son could have a down payment on his home, I don’t know feeling the ground crackle and snap underneath me as if we were going to fall through. His wife gets a house, $3000 income and we’re hoping to get half that in ten more years? AND, his son would have enough for his home?

What about me? I said it’s not like you are saving for us, and I still had the problem of something happening to you and not being able to afford my own life. He said he couldn’t work on that right now.

Shoot, shoot, didn’t realize this had gotten to be such a serious conversation. Feeling really depressed now. I think I’m going to have to do something else for a while. I don’t know if I mentioned it yet, but we started working on Joe and Cari’s wedding gift again. We are cutting the pieces maybe we’ll get to some sewing today … just really down and don’t know what to think. We feel shaky as to crying … Sooner or later it was going to become inevitable that we were going to worry about security? Have we ever stopped? Maybe not.

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