Attention :)


Please also see Ann's Web Page called Multiplework

Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Updated! Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 100 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our email is Aynetal3@aol.com and our Twitter account (@aynetal3), which lists approximately 300 Multiples. Keep looking for others - they are OUT there!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Insufficiency's and Inefficiencies

Good morning. We’ve got about 45 minutes left before leaving for work. We finally got fishyman up, but he was a bear to get going. We had woken up at about 3 A.M. with the kitties and we tried to wake fishyman up about 5:30 A.M. which is his optimal time for getting up, but then he went back to bed and slept another half hour when we roused him again. He’s up up now, but pretty groggy. He’s just in a lot of pain in the A.M. trying to get all his body parts warmed up and working. I’m feeling bad about his situation, but there’s nothing much that can be done except to encourage him to follow up on the doctor’s tests and then work on the weight loss. It might sound redundant, but I think for all of us the less overweight part of the body you let go the fewer things are grinding and pushing on itself. It is just a theory.

Pswhoo … time is going by fast this morning … not sure where the last 20 minutes went. Some part is talking to fisherman, but he’s not overly talkative so maybe it is just us moseying a little too slowly over our thoughts.

Let’s see what is important this morning. Hmm, for one we got a chance to write to Linda this morning. I love that part of my morning where we are catching up with her. It’s like we’re living through the messages back and forth. It seems that we’re on the same vibe – and it’s a good one!

We did think through one thing I would like to share here. It was thoughts we had while writing to Linda. This is it …

Excerpt to Linda this morning

It is a crapshoot talking to family. We were with Dr. Marvin last night and that kind of thinking came up. He is impressed with how well we’re handling things with family, but I know it could be better. I still am holding onto a lot of anger. I’m not giving to them freely even like I do here with you. It seems I evaluate each conversation I have with them which feels right now on the judgmental side. Dr. Marvin would say we’re putting things in perspective and distancing ourselves when we should. He says that we have a right to get upset when people ignore you, but we’d like to get down to the bottom of why that’s so upsetting or why with Rich when he dominates a conversation with just one right answer “his” that it drives us so crazy.

Hmm, thinking now one of my last thoughts of being with my father. He said, “I’m the father, I will do the thinking – your job is to listen.”

That might be some of the same craziness loading me down with emotional baggage. Basically, I’ve been hearing most my lives through behaviors of others my thoughts aren’t as important as theirs. It’s probably a good idea to talk some more about that kind of stuff.

Not that the feelings are wrong, because the feelings show that somewhere I’ve been bruised by this stuff, but then if I can get a handle on it now I can distance or separate the thoughts of it not being my insufficiencies, but acknowledge that it hurt then and it hurts now and it makes me angry to have been or still being so devaluated and it was due to their inefficiencies. If I can get to the part when these things happen as recognizing them and it being part of their baggage, then it should be easier for me to let go of.

Best we work on building up our self-esteem like you right now with the WW … and maybe even build up toward going to the gym again – or for you you’re walking. I know somewhere in me that the good you and us and others we know through things like that and the sewing … are good things for our self-esteem – maybe through the creativeness and good feelings from doing and completing and being a part of something solid. I used to have a lot of thoughts and feelings toward alienation. It feels good when I handle things better now. Right? You too?

Wow … I am just reading over this last paragraph … I am seeing insufficiencies and inefficiencies all in the same sentence – it wouldn’t surprise if we actually used this right.

Oh and one more important thought also talked to her about …

I'm going to hold onto this thought too today too ... Granma I have to tell you a secret. Steady eye gaze. Granma I'm a werewolf. Lordy this one is going down in our mental record books as about the sanest thing a person ever told me. Dr. Marvin laughed and laughed too. Hehehe that's a GOOD sign - chuckling me up this morning - Dr. Marvin didn't say it, but just now I'm thinking Isa is projecting that "evilness" being put on her and is spouting into a monster form she can put it out there and separate from herself - kids are just so gosh darn smart! Now I'm hearing her howl I said thank you for that and she said you’re welcome. It's probably her means of "screaming" in a way she can manage it all - all the craziness.

Just so gosh darn proud of her … It's the things that knaw on you that are most important

These may be some of my most important thoughts as we go through the day.

I love it when we have a Dr. Marvin appointment and we can remember a sense of what was happening. Seems like when we write this kind of stuff to Linda we’re at our best in that she’s very receptive to our world, and I’d like to think we are the same back in her world. Good thing happening!
We had another night falling to sleep early. BUT, we figured out something on the way home from the good doctor’s … it was like an epiphany. Basically, Rich has been complaining (in a light way) about the quality and quantity of his back massages.

No comments:

Post a Comment