Good morning … this is me. We’re trying to get things pulled together so that we can operate better. By saying that we mean doing the school work - I know it isn’t as hard as it looks, but we seem to be failing. Hmm, that is a first step. We just called our school counselor. I don’t know what else to be doing. I could just do the work, but we’re like a immobilized position. I don’t know what this means exactly, but if we don’t do the work I will fail and then lose the school and ideas of hope toward the future and as means of helping to support myself. It would put me in a position of someone with no direction. I’ve got to be doing better than this we’ll talk to Dr. Marvin too. I’m not sure if I’ve already buried myself and should try harder or give up. I know the better of the two … just stuck.
Yesterday was a bad day as to being very hard. I got three emails from Sr. Theresa. One was asking for my days off and then the next she told me how many hours I had left, and then the last one recommended that I could work part time, but Id basically be making only enough money to pay for insurance and that I should apply instead for disability. There really wasn’t much personal and she made inferences to working things out between her and Dr. Marvin. More of that will be discussed today with him. We have a meeting at 4 pm.
We sent the messages from Sr. to Dr. Marvin and then we arranged that he would call us at 10:30 am, which he did. It was a terrible phone call. We don’t know all of what happened, but I remember a part where he was explaining that even though she was being mean, it didn’t mean that we had to be mean back. I think there was a sense of wanting to hurt her … not physically, or really even emotionally, more like do something I guess to show her how mad we were at her. Dr. Marvin’s perspective was that we didn’t want to do anything that would put us in worse shape if we had to contact Sr. down the line. I guess we felt a bottom line in that we would hold back acting out, but that if she tried to hurt Rich like she had me than we wouldn’t care as much.
I think some of the anger was because even though we knew we weren’t going back she had decided to put me on part-time work where I couldn’t support myself without government assistance. It is one thing for me to have made those decisions, but it is another for someone to tell me I wasn’t going to have options past that. She also took away the working at home and structured things so that I would work 9:30 – 2:00 pm. There was no consideration to me as to driving in every day – like that I might prefer 2 ½ days of working 2 ½ days off. Everything was for her benefit and my opinion didn’t seem to matter.
I was also mad because she was cutting my hours, but she didn’t say anything about cutting my job responsibilities. She had mentioned between having a client load, CARF, Staff training, 4 client groups and whatever programming I do – especially through the performance analysis – what I would be able to give up. She had lightened the hours and money, but she hadn’t taken away tasks. So would just be expecting more for less. She didn’t address that anything she’s been dumping on me especially to do with her anger or disrespect or that of the other sisters had anything to do with my feelings of disability.
Dr. Marvin said that this sort of thing just speaks more of her character than anything, and that we didn’t have to basically give her control over what I do now. I think he said something like she was a part of my past and that we could let that part go. Getting three emails from her in one day was very hard. I don’t know, but Rich is saying he didn’t see her all day, but he had my check so we’re thinking their paths must have crossed. Here I am thinking Rich knows more about what is going on there than he is letting be known.
I had a hard emotional time at the doctors which I will get to in a moment, but there was one more thing that happened that felt bad to me. Holly sent me an email from Leela Who which is a character of some show she watches. She introduced herself as Holly and said she hoped whatever I had was getting better. Then she went into her needs. She said she was looking for the Circles program manual that I had used for groups and said she couldn’t find it in the resource room or on my shelves. She said she wanted to use it for a social skills goal she was doing. She knows nothing about Circles or what it could offer her as a goal and I felt suspicious of her for not telling the truth. I’m thinking sr. is asking her to do the group. She wanted me to tell her where it was so that she could use it.
My thoughts were no fucking way am I helping anyone … it made us feel ballistic that they could be throwing me out and then asking for me to help them in my absence. The manual is in my office and it is in a very practical space. If they wanted my position – wanted me on disability they could find their own God Damned book. It didn’t belong to me, I didn’t take it and they can have anything in that office they want. I don’t have to help them. I shouldn’t be mean to them like in going out of my way to hurt them, but I don’t have to help them either. Not once did they offer to help me, or to talk to me about my problems. They yelled and they bitched and they put me down in front of each other. They take though no responsibility for what has happened to me. I don’t believe for a minute that Sister hasn’t spread out that we are having mental illness problems.
We were already having problems adjusting from the doctor appointment. We made the appointment a couple of weeks ago to check on several things. We were supposed to do a follow-up on the vertigo and the news from back in May that I was a borderline diabetic. I also really needed to understand why my right arm and hand are going through so many feelings of numbness, tickly and pins and needles. There were other things that we had to talk about such as the depression, suicidality, not wanting to go out of the house, feelings of anxiety and fear and so on. We also wanted her to know that we’d left work and were probably going to run out of insurance and that she’d be getting paperwork for disability.
She was asking hard questions and we were doing our best to answer them, but we pretty much fell apart at her questions of going back part time or working for anyone else. We’re not tolerating these suggestions in the least. I don’t ever want to leave the house let alone work for anyone else. All feelings I have in trust for others to be my boss is gone. I feel so close to the edge that being forced to be out there again would make me choose the parts that more want to be dead. I seem to be holding on to that one thought the lady at the disability office said in that no-one could make me do what I didn’t want to do. They can’t force that on me.
Hmm, we’ve been off writing for a little bit doing some other things like calls that had to be made. I couldn’t find anything out through Blue Cross Blue Shield as to when my insurance stops, or about extending them through Cobra or through disability insurance. They said each time to go back through your human resource. They couldn’t even tell me if there was anyone over at St. Mary’s I could call rather than trying to find something with Sr. Theresa. The lady at the insurance company said that I might want to look for a SS attorney in my area who could answer questions, but when I called Binder and Binder – the best advertised one, they said since I applied there is nothing at this stage to do, but wait and that if there was a problem then to call back and see if they could help.
I had called earlier with my doctors questions … shoot I forgot to make a call. The doctor had given a couple of orders. The one I’d called about was for a MRI … Dr. Albright wanted to rule out that my hand and arm weren’t a symptom of a herniated cervical #6 disk. She wrote down R/O cervical radicalopes
Ok, there went the afternoon focusing on all that L