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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Rough morning

Good morning.  This is just me.  We’ve had a late start this morning, but we are going to need writing for a few moments before we get back to the school work.  I can’t say that is going terrific.  I think we need to focus more on the bigger picture. 

We had a bit of an upset in that Sr. Theresa our FORMER boss found through one of the staff – never mentions who … it’s always one of the staff, but there is only one staff that is computer savvy enough and is on Facebook and that would think to be looking for me so we can be pretty sure which one if that sort of thing mattered.  But she found our at the time public Quilting page on Facebook which stated

“WOOHOO! We were talking to Dr. Marvin and decided to focus our school work on something other than work going through St. Rose Center since we no longer work there. Dr. M. came up with the idea of doing something Quilty and I couldn't agree more that be just the perfect place to go.”

Sister wrote that she had many questions and asked if we quit and then she stated we never answered her emails … which is untrue in that we answered hers, but not the other two staff trying to contact me.  She let me know she was on her way to Italy and asked questions such as whether she needed to take me off insurance, if I had applied for cobra, or if I had applied for disability. 

I suppose that if you are snooping around enough you could find me, but it couldn’t be accidental one would have to look for me first.  We shut down a few things from the public, but I’m not sure what loose holes are up there.  I have to think of it as they have a right to be curious.  We can’t help it if they choose to do or think negative thoughts of finding us out there.  Bottom line is that I’m not going back. 

There is a few more things to do like collect a few more checks.  I’m thinking that as soon as we say we’re quitting that Sister Theresa would stop the checks and not let us run out our vacation or sick time. There should be enough hours to pay me through November 10th – and 11th if we were lucky, but the November 15th check would be the last one if she didn’t try to stop it beforehand.  I’m thinking that we will not be able to confirm until the 15th and the check goes out that we have quit.  I think there is going to be pressure on Rich now … more than ever. 

It was a surprise, but yet wasn’t coming from Sr. Theresa that she also asked if we had thought things through.  I can’t say that it is thought through enough, but yes we’ve been thinking hard of it.  We still have to worry about things that we are having problems with there is a lot of anger and confusion as to Sr.’s role in our lives.  I think while we were writing she’s given us some positive with the negative, but when she seemed to start plotting against us it just got too intimidating, then it would make us angry, then back to fearful and lastly just depressed. 

We’ve gone over this before, but I’d rather never leave the house again before going out to work again for someone else.  I’ve been told by Sr. and Rich that I wouldn’t have it any better at anywhere else I worked, because Sr. put up with our disability.  It seems at this point a very big cop-out to say instead of I’ll Help you with your disability, that someone would say they put up with me.

It is very degrading, but when I look over the years at how often I’ve been told of things like this that I shouldn’t be more aware of the wearing effect on our spirit and sense of confidence.  As much as I want to look forward to new thoughts on Online Program Planning for Quilters … I’m afraid too that I will fail.  We talked to Dr. Marvin about it on Thursday as well as so many other things.  He tried to help me in thinking through how to develop papers so that they weren’t overwhelming us.  Right now it seems that we can’t get to the bottom of the paper because of our obsessing. 

We wrote an outline – basically more like notes, and then we started to write the paper, but we keep editing and editing and don’t like what we’re seeing.  We don’t have in total what we want to be doing, because we’re just thinking through it and we can’t totally wrap our minds around it.  We have to force ourselves to go back to it like we forced ourselves to do work.  And the more we think of it the more scared we get.  Today is the day we have to turn things around.  It is 10:30 am now and we hope to have progressed through this writing enough to be actually working on the paper by 12 pm.  We’ve got the house picked up, taken care of the tasks – even picking up the sewing room after finishing a couple of quilts. 

One of the problems we’re having is fear of the teacher being mad at us because of the lateness of our work.  Dr. Marvin says that’s a repetition of the feelings we had toward Sr. Theresa – and then from there it went backward to feeling as a child strong negative thoughts for not being able to please people.  Somehow things get confused in our system so that pleasing others becomes a matter of life or death and we’re feeling a terrible anxiety. 

We’ve been dealing with this a long time especially because of Sr. Theresa being angry at us so much.  It is at an overwhelming stages.  Dr. Marvin suggested that we think of the statement, “Catch-it, check-it and then change-it.”  Basically, if we’re having problems thinking like our professor is going to destroy us because he’s mad, then we have to look at other areas and check-it out.  Chances are he’s just doing his job.  And, he has nothing else going on but teaching the class and moving on.  In the same manner we’re now afraid of our peers.  We feel different from them and that they don’t understand us.  Somehow this gets to being very threatening.

Both situations happened in childhood in that there was a parent who was threatening which was difficult because of our dependency on them and the peers would translate out to my siblings and some of the extended family such as my grandfather or uncle.  The tricky part of it is that in going through all this consciously, we believe Sister to actually be bent on destroying us.  I think she wants us to do the work, but she’s worked very hard at minimalizing us as a person.  She knew when she received our annual survey that we were angry and upset because of her talking to my peers about me and then setting them up to come to her and report things about me … such as Robyn reporting that we’d said we were leaving St. Rose on a Facebook page.  It is the culture she’s developed. 

Things that she was doing like not giving us any sort of protection, being disagreeable with our work, leaving us out of meetings, the hour of yelling at us about our review and then finally the last straw of taking us down in accordance of my peers and most likely future boss.  None of it was done in talking to us on any sort of support manner.  She never asked our opinion of how the others were doing although we were supposed to be in charge of them.  She let an angry peer tear down any structures we’d built and that was being supported by the other Q, in that the new Q wanted to do it Holly’s way.  It was so demoralizing to have sister listening to the younger staff’s raging and to then look over to Sr. for a clue, and to see her sitting back and smiling as if pleased with her ordering of the system. 

I felt condemned by the three of them arguing against me and the only thing the DSP/wannabe Q was saying was that she couldn’t do things my way because they were too hard.  What kind of employee would start from the framework of things being too hard without looking seriously at what she might learn.  And then, to use it as her only excuse for not doing things my way.  There was no allegations of other misbehavior because there wasn’t any.  I had never said anything to her negative just tried to teach her the best I could even though she was throwing temper tantrums in having to use her mind.

Sr. sends confusing messages in that before she had said that none of the staff understood me – apparently she’d discussed it with them.  I don’t want to believe they were all negative, but I don’t know what to say … in checking things out … I have to figure out whether I was being “dealt with” negatively or whether I’m imagining it, if there is something to change it wasn’t with the others.  They were going to be the way they were our only thing was to get away from it.  Sr. was trying to imply that I had false feelings of persecution, but she simply refuses to see her part in all of this and how she was doing things that were critical of me as an employee or as a person, or even a person with disabilities. 

I think I’m feeling angry, sad, depressed, hurt, fearful, and confused.  This is the stuff again not changeable within the St. Rose situation, but our situation as a student.  Some of that is bleeding over.  We are feeling hyper-sensitive as to what is happening in our relationship to all others including Rich and even Dr. Marvin.  When we talked to Rich last night – he calls once a day during the evenings when he is gone, we were feeling so much fear and in trepidation because we had done work with the bills and other paperwork coming into the house and we were scared of displeasing him or making him angry.  With Dr. Marvin it was a session or two ago, but he had tried to push us a bit in understanding the difference between reality and the feelings welling up as to our fears and such, as soon as our radar picked-up that he was doing something negative, the system shut down … we couldn’t talk we just disappeared into one of the more fragmented parts.  We nearly ran him down in trying to get out of the office, and then as soon as we were out of the parking garage, we turned off the car and just sat for a half an hour before we could handle thoughts.

I’m just thinking here … we went out to the kitchen to pour ourselves another cup of coffee and the liquor cabinet door was open.  This has been a phenomenon since dealing with Sr. direct as to wanting to drink.  We haven’t gone past 1 -2 drinks a night, but the urge is strong where before there wasn’t any.  We feel by night time that we need it to calm our nerves.  We should probably talk to Dr. Marvin about this in that maybe we change the time of taking our medicine or maybe he could prescribe something to help us deal with this kind of anxiety level.  I know that Rich is on our case about it so we’re being sneaky in what we’re doing.  We didn’t tell him that we bought another bottle.  He’ll probably pick it up, but until he does we’re just hiding.

I think one of the things I feel about leaving St. Rose is that Sr. Theresa won in that I’m now less of a person than I had been before.  I wouldn’t have ever made it without Dr. Marvin, but then he was already second guessing with what he’d assisted us in putting up with.  We kept turning the other face … and dealt with our emotions as they came and we would seem to work up into doing positive things, but then Sr. would impress negative as we grew to feeling stronger and more positive and in her anger we would regress not being able to handle that kind of pressure no matter what kind of support Dr. Marvin was giving us.  It shouldn’t have had to happen that we spent so much time depressed and suicidal, but that is the way it was happening.  Sort of like the whole damn thing was happening before our eyes.

There are other things going on and maybe we can address some of them now in that we’ve had some positive experiences too.  Rich brought us down to southern IN – French Lick and in particular Patoka Lake to be on a small vacation and to keep him company while he fished.  If you were a Facebook fan you would know more about all that because we left a bread crumb of 250 pictures and three videos.  I know we’re prolific.  Since then we came home and found Linda was also going to be home for a while, and with her and our more relaxed thoughts and being in desperate need for order, we’ve been picking up and taking on more household.

We picked-up, dusted and vacuumed the LR, and straightened the other rooms.  I mean really good and often.  We seem to be obsessing over the cleaning and maybe also using it to avoid the work that seems so overly pressured to us.  Yesterday we went through every spare paper we could find.  It started that the Flylady said October was the time to clear up paperwork.  So we took everything from the kitchen table, the printing table, our black files, the accordion file and everything on top of it and all the papers on Rich’s table and we ordered them.

This was the part we were afraid to tell Rich in case he got mad.  Checking it out it shouldn’t be causing this much fear, but it was.  It’s a little bit better now in that we talked about it on the phone and he’s still doubtful I did things right, but he’s not too angry. 

We washed one load of clothes, but there weren’t enough in the other loads to wash any more clothes.  Rich reminded me he’d bring some dirty one’s home for us.  It’s funny I seem to be remembering going through this kind of thing before where our world got so disordered that we took up doing some kind of household chores we’d been long avoiding.  I am just feeling desperate for order and organization.  Remembering how we went through it after the last review and how it was after getting out of the hospital the last time we were in for being suicidal.  We just needed some distressed sense of order …. And now our minds are remembering the need for safety.  We feel so unsafe it’s just making me cry again.  Nothing feels safe.  Sr. could be said to be more an indirect fear, but then we couldn’t tolerate her treatment of us and in reality it was and is the taking away of everything we’ve known for the last 12 years and our financial ability to support ourselves.

When Dr. Marvin brought up the things that were real or leftover emotions we thought again of Sr. Theresa.  As much as we tried to assert order it seemed she was unhappy.  Up until when she yelled at us we had made a six month run of getting all our things in order, but then she just came and wreaked havoc on our systems and our believe in ourselves.  That seems to be the problem now is that we have an extreme case of not believing in ourselves. 

I don’t think this is happening with all the parts, but it is happening with me.   

I know that I’m slowing down the other parts, because I need this time to talk and get through the bushel of negative feelings that I’m having.  I’m the Ann part in the system.  Traditionally we have dealt with a lot of abuse in our life, but to have a boss be so abusive … I know that I could never handle having another one.  I just can’t.  I do however for the sake  of the systems survival need to put away my concerns over making the teacher mad by getting over the things causing so much distress.  I think I’m a long ways from distress, but I got to put it aside and let the others do their work at school. 

I think if we share the time it will help the system.  I appreciate having time to think this morning out loud and that the house got picked up and put into order again … Now days it seems just having our bed unmade is causing me to stress out. 

We lit a candle and although I need a lot of quiet, maybe we can now put on the music to help others like Kelsie do the work they need to be doing with the other.  I’m feeling tired and I know we’re having a break in a few moments in that Linda and us are meeting at 11:30 am if things go well.  Probably a good time to reach for a sandwich … maybe that will help to settle things … Just gotta get past my own skin.

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