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Thursday, October 13, 2011

This is always going to be day #1, right?

Good morning … it is us.  We’re still trying to get back into the habit of writing again.  It is Thursday, October 13, 2011 and it’s about 7 am.  We’ve been up for a while now.  Fishyman left at 4 am and we got up to see him off.  We’ve then just been playing and playing.  It seems that we do something on the computer and then that one thing leads to another and another and pretty soon the day has gone by and we were just barely in it.  More of this to come, really – it’s not that we want it necessarily, but it seems to be what’s inside of us.

Where to start where to start …

Well, we can say that we are coming off a very nice vacation with Rich.  He took us down to French Lick, Indiana and their Lake Patoka.  It was a very large lake and on national grounds so that there weren’t houses and such around the edges.  We took 250 pictures and 3 videos.  They are all posted now to Facebook and Youtube.  We’ve enjoyed watching them over and over.  It seems that we can hardly believe our good fortune to have seen such beautiful things and been with the fishyman.  We had such a good time. 

We left about 9 am on Monday and we went to the lake first and then after that we checked into our motel.  Rich has been explaining carefully that to save money fisherman get low cost motels.  This seemed especially the case this time.  It was the strangest room.  It was on the corner of a small strip and we kept the curtains closed, but we were on the end unit and we had two giant picture windows on the corner which happened to have a sign saying for sale.  There were two beds both smaller than queen and they sunk hehhehe … well to make a long story short … Rich took us out to dinner and we stopped by to get a pint of SOMEthing.  It might have seemed like Kentucky bourbon.  After we got back from dinner and all things seemed better.  We stopped at least frantically looking around the room for a way out.

We were pretty zonked by the end of the night and fell asleep.  Ahh Linda is online!  We’re chatting in the background.  She will be at home now too for a while :)

We’ll see how the next phase of both our lives is going to go.  For the time being we are both at home with goals to clean and sew.  Linda will be looking after her granddaughter during the late part of the afternoon.  I can see how happy she is J

Hmm, ok .. morning conversation is over … for a bit at least.  J  We’ll both meet up about 10:30 am just to check in … I’m going to be doing the writing for a bit and she’s doing a lot of housework and all.  Yup yup definitely think we’re on the better end of things.  Hmm, thinking I might want to get a load of clothes in.  Rich probably emptied his suit case … and we have to do the same.  Ok, hold on right back.

Hmm, maybe not so fast.  We got to the part where the load is pulled together, but too much time on the back for going up and down stairs … we’ll have to wait about 15 minutes. 

It seems to have discombobulated us.  We want to be organized like Linda and get things done.  It’s a rainy overcast kind of day today.  We looked outside and it seems that Jeff Rich’s partner left his red truck in Rich’s spot … I’m glad he got it off the street.  We’re trying to stretch our back a little so that the achy part goes away.  We did take our medicine today … guess I just moved too fast for it.  Sometimes sitting you forget how hard it is to stand and walk … that’s not good thinking. 

Ok, going to try it again. 

Good good … almost done.  We got the clothes in the washer and we got the counter area in the kitchen cleaned-up.  We started to put clothes away that were still clean from our suitcase after resting.  But, that effort fell short.  We’re going to need a little extra resting before we can finish unpacking and making the bed.  We set the alarm for transferring clothes to the dryer and we set the alarm to remember Dr. Marvin’s. 

About 11 am, we’re going to give Kristen another call at school so that she can help me figure things out.  I’m going to want a different person to work for as my go to guy – one who stays with me and can look at the classes.  I don’t trust him and he’s not a very enthusiastic person … willing to let things slide.  I’d rather have an experienced female and someone not scared of disabilities. 

That’s about as far as we want to go with that one.  I think we’re going to pace ourselves so that when we finish with the laundry load we can sew for a bit.  We haven’t been including it as something that should be getting done every day and that is important to be doing. 

We opened the door wider and opened the drapes to let some air flow through – plus the fan.  It seems a bit muggy. 

We went over to school, but it was too much for us.

We talked to Rich last night about the part of us not doing good – keeping up.  He’s at a loss of what to do and is still suggesting that we “suckitup” and go back to sister to keep our job.  But, we can’t do that.  We haven’t solved any problems.  That’s the hard part about school.  We seem to 1) get too involved in what we’re doing and then have problems reigning things in and we have problems in completing our good ideas and our good intentions.  This is going to have to be a Dr. Marvin conversation.  We were coming in and out of crying last night and it wasn’t that Rich was trying to be unsupportive.  He still wants some coverage because of him being 6 weeks without a job – extra job.  I can’t seem to make our minds process in any kind of steady way. 

I’d like to not wrap it up as we are failures, because there are something we can do and maybe wrapping one’s ego around “work” is not the way to go.  It does seem that our mind wants to meander.  I don’t know why it’s unable to follow a schedule.  Rich confessed that he was waiting for me to drop doing the laundry after a couple of weeks.  It lets me know of his trust in me.  Last week he challenged me in saying the dusting was the next thing I should be working on. 

Someone in our system who was very proud of being in school changed last week our job situation online … Basically she said we were an online program planner for quilters.  I would like that title too, but it is hard for me to keep a level playing field.  I think one of the things we are supposed to be doing is to record our thoughts again … basically ask the same general questions as to things like what is going wrong from your perspective?  Meaning that each of the parts who can be out at the computer or out through another part have to answer up to what they are doing to help or hurt the system.  Maybe we have some saboteurs, but I don’t want things to feel that negative.  If parts are trying to self-destruct  … I don’t think they intend it but rather they are falling prey to some of the disorder we as a system hold.  I think it is time we have some honest conversing as to what is going on and how each of the parts contribute.

I think we’re like 2 weeks behind in an 8 week schedule.  I am pretty sure that even if we could do it, we couldn’t make up those kings of points.  We need to talk to someone to find out if there is a back door for the program and for not losing the student loan or start to pay it back right away.  That is an additional $800 expense that we’re not going to be able to cover.  Both Rich and us came to that easily enough.  He didn’t like seeing us work going backward as to not having any responsibilities, but it seems that doing what we could or should, or even really want to do is too much for us.  But, if we weren’t trying to do something then what would we do or who would we be? 

Rich said he’s noticed that we are a little more excited or too looking forward to his coming home at the end of each day … and I have to admit we’ve been leaning on him a bit and that is probably causing him some kind of pressure to be the one having to resolve all the problems.  I want not to be unfair to Rich, but then he has to be fair to me to.  I’ve got to have some time in figuring out some of my problems that is holding us back before we lose everything all together.  Someone told Rich last night our plans for if everything failed we’d go to the state hospital, and he could go back to living with his mother.  He asked simply you would do that to me, but our thoughts are that we are dragging him down. 

He is trying to be sympathetic in saying we’ll make it through it somehow, but I know he’s disappointed in me for not being to just jump on the horse again.   I know what he means because we are disappointed with ourselves too.  It is kind of a breakdown that we have to face up to.  We’re not even sure which parts of ourselves have collapsed.  I know speaking for me (Corey) I’m just not up for being able to do too much.  Having thoughts is very wearisome.  I tried to look at the stuff from school and I’m finding it way over my head. 

It would seem if we were talking to Dr. Marvin he would be talking about some kind of compromise between the parts and so that we each have time, but do not burden one over another.  I feel like we are really imposing on the parts of us that want like nothing else but to be that OPPQ.  Rich even said that we could do whatever we wanted, but that we had to be doing something.  Right now it feels good to be writing and that is something, but after writing a book WITH lots of money put in we are not able to meet up with all that again and when we were we were only at like $65 total income.  It wasn’t much … and for some of us it didn’t matter, but for others, it might have been the start of the fall.  We’re thinking it was what was happening back in January, when we hit sister’s radar as not doing as much as we were supposed to be doing.

I don’t remember if it were Dr. Marvin or Rich if not both who were saying that we need to develop some kind of schedule for ourselves.  Like I’m not sure after the clothes are washed if we’re really going to be able to stop writing and do something else we’d like to get done like the dusting and the sewing. 

There’s another part too that wants to be doing something so that if we’re not going to be able to do school to at least copy down the resources and tasks so we can be working that on our own.  I know that in about an hour – so about the time we’re done with the clothes we’ll be meeting up with Linda to check in.  It’s about 9:20 am now.

We’re playing the music still because we want some sense that we are moving.  It was very much like taking a video of Rich’s boat and us moving through the water.  We could see the water coming at us and know and hear we were progressing forward without knowing much more about anything that was happening to life around us.  We felt very in the moment.  I don’t know why, but it seemed that we were starting to give up some of the pressure we were feeling … felt it in the cutting down of pictures from 125 to 75 to 0.  But, we then busied our minds in other things.  Like we took up for Rich steering the boat and then we took up reading the scanner.  It’s not that we don’t have a mind that can work, it just seems to be comprehending things at a very slow pace.

I’m thinking this is about the kind of problems we were having when we used to talk about Ann Marie.  She seemed like me right now to be working at our own pace.  We can think of one thought at a time, but then we want to be moving on … but, just slowly.  Right now we’re looking at the clock say 9:24 am.  We know we just checked it, but we want to be prepared for going downstairs, it’s just that leaving for that trip is feeling about the hardest most important thing we can be doing.  It should be noted that I’m pretty much mumbling outside.  I don’t know if it isn’t that I turned over to the Ann Marie part everyone used to talk about.  I do take note that my eyebrows are crunched up and that is one of the markers someone used to do as a sign that it was me and not someone else.  I don’t know if it was a sign that got put in the book or not.  Maybe I’ll check that later.

Hmm, just checked a few things now … it’s like we’re between Annemarie, Ann and Corey parts of ourselves.  Looking through just those few paragraphs we’re thinking we must be the depressed faction.  Looking too there are characteristics of Annie Mi and KC … seems Annie Mi has a lot to do with the lower self-expectations of ourselves and Kate has a role too.  We can see her trying to keep things together and up with the goals of Ayn, Sarah and Jesse.  Just the negatives are playing out against the positives.

If we can’t finish school this semester will it be any better for the parts having problems the next time?  Why is it that we are acting out – the strong KC part of saying no … it’s like we quit everything?  Remembering Mr. R. saying if you cut this one race, you’ll start down a path that will last a life time.  We still quit the race … and now here we are.  It feels very deflating.  Is there some solace there?  Dr. Marvin will talk to any of the parts that will come out … we’re going to have to give him some clues.  Maybe I should send ahead an email. 

Hmm, we checked our email, but forgot to email Dr. Marvin.  Seems like we’re going to have to write some kind of written notes to ourselves to find the balance again?  There did it.  Maybe there is some reason that we feel a strong need to go under so that someone can help us?  That sounds like a fair statement.  What is it about school and success that is causing us so much grief?  All we had to do was follow the plan.  I know that we lost our job in the middle and that was enough to start a major problem, but it should have freed up our time to be doing the homework.  But that was still hard for us because we invested heavily and for one … didn’t take the rejection when we had gotten the 18 points instead of 25.  Then we started to just fall apart.  We thought Dr. Marvin had helped enough for there to be a revival with the quilting, but we over obsessed about that and things went just that much more difficult for the rest of us.  Maybe Dr. Marvin should know this part too. 

We’re going to stop writing wherever we are at 10:30 am. And then move on to something else.  First we’ll hang up or fold clothes and then talk to Linda, and then maybe sew some.  I think we have to introduce some of the fun stuff prior to the afternoon.  Ok, this is coming together as some kind of plan.  We should have our shower done by 2 pm and of course we’ll eat lunch sometime in there.  The goal should be though to get off the social media stuff for a while to help us be able to focus on something else. 

I think we have to try and remember to bring our small computer in back too so that we can keep on the music – very gentle instead of watching Anderson and getting to far away from our goals.  We don’t want to be into watching TV during the day. 

So then the next thing will be do we quilt until the shower and then the hour after, or are we going to try another goal?  Maybe just one more?  We should find the duster and try to dust the living room.  I think that would be a good goal.   Maybe we can do that right after lunch might be with Linda 5 min, but should try no longer than 15-30 min.  We can’t be pulling each other down.  We need to support ourselves through this period.  Maybe we should try one more goal?  It seems that the kitchen and living room tables are really messed up right now.

Flylady who we’ve started to read again is saying that releasing paper pile-ups is important now – at least a goal for all her people in October.  Maybe we shouldn’t go through everything, but maybe go through at least one small stack.  I would like to go through whatever is at on those black shelves in back of the monitor.  It seems that’s our most current pile, but we don’t’ really know where we are at with it.  We would like to get to a point where we can at least open up mail for Rich and stack it for him.  Maybe that would make things easier on him.  He was saying that he had no idea how we were going to make it through these next upcoming  months.

He did say that if I looked at those documents I would get scared.  He’s probably right, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to help him in some way.  He’s helping us we gotta support him.  He can stay in charge of the money … our part is just not to spend anything except the muffin at Dr. M’s and the parking.  We’ll probably have to give up the muffin too, but not for right now.  The patterns we have going to Dr. Marvin’s are pretty solid even though other things are falling down.

Maybe Dr. Marvin can talk to us and tell us what’s wrong with us.  Why do things seem so hard?  Maybe he can get the laughing and giggling parts back again that make things seem easy and fun.  I guess I don’t see that as one of my personal goals.  I would rather not be here.  Not entirely … yet … just for now I don’t know what would fix the lousy way I feel.  I feel good that we’re doing the load of clothes and took care of the kitties and dishes and bed and we’re planning to do some more work.  I don’t know who of us all do the sewing.  That seems to be a strong part of us. 

For now we’re holding down the ideas of doing something with Linda or possibly even CS because our own plans and time needed for school hasn’t settled yet.  I do like the title of Online Program Planner for Quilters.  I just wished that things didn’t have to happen so fast.  It gets to be that I can’t keep up with things.  Rich mentioned last night how much reassurances we need.  I’m thinking that I’m partly to blame for that.  When people say negative things about me or my work, I feel like I fall apart.  I must have just a sliver of self-confidence.  I feel like we’re bogging down the rest of the system.  I don’t think it is just me … I think there is a pocket of us scrambling to keep up. 

Ok, we’re pretty much done … We finished the laundry and we spotted Linda.  Next is going to be sewing, right?

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