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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Monday, July 9, 2012


Hi Dr. Marvin,

This is me.  We’re going to try seeing if we focus our writing to you if we will be more able to write thoughts that are going on in our mind.

The first thing I wanted to say was that we had a bad nightmare last night about BJ.  I know that you mentioned him in the note saying that if we are going to address weight … usually it is about then that he comes up again and that we haven’t gotten past whatever it is that connects weight to the issues we had with him. 

As to the nightmare … I’m having trouble remembering it now.  It had something to do with living with him and arranging that situation.  I know that we got up soon after and couldn’t go back to bed.  We ruminated about it for a while, and then we just got up.  I think in there we tried to help Rich get up because he had had goals to get up around 5 am, and then we let him sleep another half hour and messaged him for about half that time.  We couldn’t go back to sleep and then as now we find ourselves wondering what we are supposed to be doing. 

We’ve done a few things since then.  It is now about 8 am – so three hours later.  We have been at FB and we went through emails and such.  I don’t think we’ve actually gotten much farther past than that.  I’m not so sure with there has been so much time that we aren’t exactly aware of.  I do know that it takes a while to get through the FB feeds, because we like to read each of the entries and then respond to some of them.  It’s like being a part of a very important social circle.  Sometimes we tend to belabor the point, in that … we hang around probably longer than we should, but we’re having such a nice relaxed time and do enjoy the general tid-bit talk of what is happening around our world.  I’m really quite pleased to be a part of FB and have enjoyed hearing where the people in our life are and what is tripping their triggers.

Our picture of the morning is one where we have a box with a fluffy kitty and one on top of the box, and then they share the box, and then there is a third kitty and that kitty also tries to get into the box … maybe the front part made it in, but there is too much back part of the kitty to squeeze in and then in the meantime there is another kitty – the fourth, who shows up on top of the box as if he is going to be going in next.  Yes, you can get the general picture … like how many kitties can you squish into one loveable box.  In the last picture … two of the kitties face out of the box, and then the third kitty comes between the other two with his tush  faced out because he can’t seem to squeeze in.  It’s really a cute picture. 

Ok, so that about gets me caught up there.  We did have some time we spent on FB with Linda.  We wrote a nice-sized note to her message box.  Mostly it starts first thing in the morning – about 5:15 and then explains the morning so far and then what we have been happening in our lives the last day or so.  Think you might have heard some of it so far.  In general, we glanced at the situation with BJ – mostly that it was just going to be coming up again with progress started on the weight loss situation.  And then, we discussed the thought of Rich working from either the living room or the kitchen.  Maybe some compromise can be made where he can be in here for normal QUIET work, but then if he has calls to make he can make them from the other room – dining room.  There was one more stray thought not captured from that whole set of ideas, in that maybe for a temporary chair he can be using the chair from the shower.  Most often it isn’t being used and that part can be worked out.  But it is comfortable to sit in and has a hard back.  I’m not sure if it is high enough and it has some water marks on it, but it might just do the trick until something better can be arranged.  I’m thinking too that we are going to sneak in the part where the extra leaf is on the table, because it doesn’t take up that much more space, but leaves the working space oval instead of circular and I think for having papers beside the computer that it will be worthwhile as to flexibility using the space.  Now, just gotta put it into play before Rich thinks of reasons to complain about it.  He gets sometimes such fixed ideas in his head that he’s unwilling to compromise before he tests the situation out.  You know how that goes, right?

One of the next ideas we thought about was how we were doing with school.  We did use some of our time yesterday to be working on the next project.  We went through the materials and read everything we could as to the actual assignment pages and the “how-to” section of the general course set-up.  We figure there are going to be a lot more rules and stringencies on this course and teacher than has been in the past.  She is from the fields of biology and physiology so I’m thinking that she’s a little more concrete in her determination of the unfolding than with most others.  It’s just that from a more scientific view of the work … there is a lot of small things to check off in the progress of coming up with one big grand idea. 

We have our work cut out for us, but am hoping that if we get a jump on the work, we can finish things before deadlines.  There is some contingency on handing things in a LITTLE late, but more than a day or two – then we will be dealing with losing 10% of our score each day late.  Maybe the idea of getting things done – forced to be doing them on time, will be more useful on a day to day level of accomplishing goals.  I’m going to try sticking with this whole new idea is a good thing and try not to space out with the part that it is going to at some point become a problem we will have to wrestle with more.

There is another thing that we are worrying about in that there are only five people in the course.  That means if everyone shows up, then there will be difficulties in meeting the objectives in that there will be so little room or space to hide.  Pretty much … it means no sloughing off.  You know what we mean.

Hopefully, again … this is going to be better for us than a teacher who lets things slide with no restraint.  We are going to have to be more accountable for getting things done in a timely manner.  I have been a little disgusted with ourselves in that regard in that … if we would have stuck to the original program, we would now be at a half way mark in completing our masters and instead … because of the slow downs … we are only at 30%.  Far way off from the mark.

We are grateful in that we did get money this week for the school loan.  It is about $3,400.  I’m not sure if we mentioned it before, but it looks like Rich is going to be pretty serious about us not taking money out of the account for frivolous or other kind of money objects.  We also had a chance to talk to him a little about money for the birthday we have coming up.  We’re pretty much to the point that if we have extra in the kitty that we should be spending the majority of it in finishing quilts.  There are three in the wind and although there is $100 in the kitty for it, we figure we’re going to need about $200-300 more to finish up the tasks of buying backs and taking care of the quilting part.  I know we have time, but because we’re so close … we want to get a jump on getting the next parts done.  There is some sense of completion in finishing projects that we’re not up to of late.  We never finished the DIL projects and that is still wearing on our minds.

We did work with quilting a little last night while Rich was watching TV.  We sat behind him and finished cutting the 3 7/8” squares – both light and dark for the scrap quilt with the remaining red, white and blue fabric pieces from the two valor quilts, and then we started marking the back of the light pieces so that we could sew a quarter inch from that and then cut it in half for half triangle squares.  I’m not sure if that is the exact defining term, but it is close enough.  The next part we haven’t figured out yet.  The “recipe” calls for doing a 4 x 4 – 2” squares of the same colors, but we’re not sure if we are going to do it one piece at a time or whether we are going to sew two squares at a time, or if we are going to do something about strip sewing them together which means there is not as much individuality in one row from another, though the job will be quicker, easier … and most likely more even.  I still haven’t figured it out, because matching the strips will be difficult to do because they are all such odd shapes and sizes.  The fabric for the 2” squares is the left over remnants that were too small to make the 3 7/8” squares.  BUT, mostly it is a scrap quilt, so the time and energy shouldn’t matter, it is more for fun than any of the other “task lists” involved.  Right?  Maybe we’ll have to be there direct to decide for sure, or maybe it could be a combination of the above.  Hmm, compromise?  That seems to be a good idea.

We just took a few moment break to help Rich out … It is now 8:30 am and he just finished the work he had to do for his quotes.  He had one major job with 25 individual small quotes inside it.  All we had to do was scan it and send it to him.  That was easy enough.  Now he’s getting ready to take his shower and then he will be leaving for his double header games.  After that, I believe he is coming home, though is saying he will still have some work to do.  This one part of me says it’s a good habit to be getting things done, and then on the other hand, we’re thinking that the poor guy is going to need some breaks.  He’s been real good lately though that when I want or need to talk while he is chilling with TV at night – he will turn it off or pause it to have conversations with me.  I try not to do this all the time and we’ve been really good about not interrupting him while he’s focusing with the exception of doing small things for him like pouring new coffee.  I really want this to work out.

Along with all that set of thoughts, maybe it is safe enough in our little world to talk or at least say a few things about St. Rose Center.  I know that we’ve been inconsistent in our writing so that you may or may not know what is happening at the center.  Basically, Rich and I are ALL THROUGH WITH IT!  There was some rumor that the center is going to be sold to someone being arranged by the state, but as to anything the center is really doing, it closed down yesterday and it was Rich’s last day.  I think he said that it might be open now another month as transactions are happening, but I think people have already started looking for new places to go and I’m not sure which of the staff are coming and going.  I think some may be asked to stay and some let go.  Just not sure and by now, I have to say that I shouldn’t be anywhere close to caring.

It is a really big deal in Rich and our lives that for all purposes that the two of us are concerned – neither of us work for the company and both of us are no longer getting money or services from them.  Rich walked out the door yesterday and he said he didn’t even say goodbye to anyone … he just left everything where it was and that was it.  To be fair … he’s gone through everything in his office and has left it as approachable as he could.  Anything personal has been removed and stacks of leftovers lay as they do.  He was pretty sure that the sister was going through his work and we’re thinking she’s already then familiar with what is there and not there.

Somehow now, we are going to have to start turning it off in our mind.  It has been a nightmare for us for such a long time and I’m thinking it was made worse, because Rich was going to the center each day.  We’re really hoping that it can start fading in our mind as we both start to take on new experiences in our actual life. 

Ok, went for a small break in the action there.  It’s now a few moments after 9 am.  Rich left about 15 minutes ago and we did a few things like checking out FB again.  We’re really tied into social media again.  Maybe not yet as much as last time, but we’re really focused by it.  It’s frustrating, because we often get a message when scrolling down the home page saying that the script is slowing down the feed, and we think that is a FB problem – though might be partially my computer.  One way or another … it’s a matter of wait and see to see if we can just continue after it pauses, or if we are going to get bumped all the way back to start – like in shoots and ladders.

Hmm, just took another break.  There was someone who said something on FB about Hales Corners, WI and that is a very small town where Jean and Janet come from … there were a few people and I’m not sure what cause has them out with signs, but I’m thinking that the church is in Hale’s Corners (background) so we sent a note to Jean and Janet to see if there was any chance that the church pictured was there’s.  Sometimes the world seems so small.  Just gave me the “feel good” feelings.

Just took one more break to do a few errands like fold Rich’s Jammies, prepare tomorrow’s laundry, and start the dishwasher.  We’re really scratching to find incomplete work.  Actually the house is looking really well lately.  I’ve been caught up with most the household things, though should really set a date each month for dusting.  AND if we were really excitable … today we would see what we could do about sweeping or mopping the kitchen floor.  The worst part is the floor in the inner kitchen and that has the dishwasher in it right now so I will wait until a little later, but try to get it done before 2 pm, because I think that is about when Rich is coming home.  I would like to do things like that without him around, although with him here so much, maybe I can learn to do work with him here.  I have been doing the straightening over the last couple of days.  I know that it really makes Rich feel good to have the place picked-up.  Thinking now that the house he had with wife and kids was reported to be very messy.  She had a housekeeper and couldn’t keep up.  It seems funny too in that Rich had talked about how little of the house was really “given” to him to use.  Plus, I just don’t think he was home very often so didn’t mess or clean-it up.

There was some advance in that I told Rich about using the chair in the kitchen from the bath tub when he was working and needed to make calls.  He said something in leaving about using the back room, and then I was like mentally – nooooo way!  I need to have that room cleared for whenever I might want to use it.  I’m thinking he’s seeing a chair he can sit in … my open space on the cutting board and the TV in the background.  BUT, it’s a space I’m not ready to give-up on yet.  I am willing to let him keep papers out on the table which is how he does things, though we will volunteer to help him sort.  It might be time to go through his two file drawers and see if we can make a REAL business space.  I know he is going to need going somewhere and I don’t have the space for his business in my drawers.  The files are starting to get tight already so that sooner or later, I know I’ll have to go through there.  The top drawer is where I keep my assorted junk.  Like large envelopes, pads of paper, netbook, wrapping paper, and spare electrical strip cord.  There’s quite a few other things, but those seem to be most prominent.  There is also a large sorter for bills and such from 2011 and a little prior – maybe 2010 and 09.  Those kinds of things have to go somewhere, my idea though is that it’s an old fashioned concept and a lot of the paperwork after the year goes by can be thrown.    I suppose if it had something to do with a tax record it could be saved, but in general is just taking up space.

Wow, we’re really rambling now – just like the old days.  I can’t tell you the bad feelings that for so long we couldn’t be free-writing … I know I should identify myself as mostly Corey, but we feel we’re also sitting next to Jesse.  These kinds of thoughts belong to me, but I know that it is Jesse who tends to read out loud for Annemarie the words as I type.  Maybe it is a kind of coalition? 

It seems that is about when things started to go hay wire.  You had thought that we might have had problems with peoples (internal people) space being invaded when we had started our work with surveying the parts within.  We still can’t go back over the paper we had started – but, it is saved nonetheless and when we get up to being able to do it, it will be ready for us.  Right now it is just nice to be back out and I’m sure that Kelsey feels the same way.  She and Lissa were out doing the school work yesterday, and we’ll give them back time today.  We’re still trying to work out the schedule that had been set-up with its briefest being writing and housework in the morning, school in the afternoon and sewing/Rich in the evening.  Of course many other things could bump it, but for now those are the main objectives. 

One of those things that come in-between the rest is that we signed-up with Joe and Cari to be working with the Herbalife meals - mostly, protein shakes.  We were at Joe and Cari’s on Friday, it is now Sunday, and the first order which cost about $170 is supposed to be here within 2-3 days.  We will need to see how fast that goes, but in the meantime we are very conscious about the part that our dieting is going to be changing-up soon.  Our official weight on Friday when we were signing the dotted-line (handing over our credit card) was 275.4 … I suppose I should weigh in again now just to get an idea.  We did have fried chicken and ice cream with Rich last night so we’re not thinking it’s going to be a spectacular weight … we just have to get used to doing it.

Yeeks!  277 even.  That’s no good.  But, we’re sticking with the original weight anyway, because I like the thought that we should ACTUALLY try to lose half our weight which would put us at 137.7.  That was my most ideal weight ever, so the numbers work for me.  BUT, that means obviously we need to lose 137.7 pounds, and that isn’t going to be easy.  We had been in a position of weight about 50 pounds more, so there is some benefit, but it’s not huge.  I think one of the scary things is that when we get further down the line, we are going to need a tummy tuck.  I think that is about what you call it.  I hope to have extra weight to hand over in just floppy skin.  I would much prefer if it could be worked off in the gym, but I’m thinking it doesn’t work that way.  We’ll see.  I’ve got a long way to go before that.

I read an article this morning about a woman who started at nearly 500 pounds and had gotten down to 180.  She looked terrific.  She is now a professional consultant for weight through one of the gyms.  She said that she started by walking and then adding to that gradually.  She said at the beginning she could barely walk a third of a mile or to the end of a couple blocks.  We’ll probably start in less than that.  I don’t know if she would at her greater weight have more to work on or if it is harder to do lesser weight, but with the arthritis.  I do honestly believe that if the weight was less the arthritis would hurt less.  I have to have the courage to go out and try first.  I keep coming up with reasons not to do it, but that is pretty cowardly.  I just have to determine when, and then do it.  I should probably not worry about doing it with Rich now.  He has offered, but he too comes up with excuses and his time is anything but standard. 

It should probably be done early in the morning or in the evening when the weather has not heated up much.  I shouldn’t think about the winter yet, because that might just slow me down and truth be told, we can change-up our schedule then.  I am happy that Rich hasn’t let go of the gym memberships yet.  I would ideally like to get back to it.  But, first I have to just step outside and put a few steps ahead of me.  And by saying me, I mean US as a system.  I know that it had made us feel good before when we were in shape and able to sprint around.  I see you and Joe doing it now and I just admire you all like anything.  I long for that sense again.  And, in all reality it is doable as long as we don’t give up on ourselves.  It would also tie into our goals to balance housework, school, and quilting – ALONG with having a social life. 

Hmm, how can we look at this now … maybe a pentagon in that there is actually me (personal health and fitness physically and mentally), there is social (me with friends and family), there is me as a worker (writer and student), there is me as housework (domestic Goddess) and there is me as a quilter.  Now how do I hold all that together in my mind so that we can conscientiously skip right to it?  It sort of reminds me of the five domains that we’d set up with our old center.  What were they personal, social, community, life and achievement

So achievement would be … all the others work – personal, social and life – being housework, but we have to look at community and achievement and look at writing, school and quilting.  How would they really break down?  They could all actually fall in either.  I guess we could do four and consider the fourth being community achievement … would that work, or just be too long?  Hmm, maybe still separate the two I think with one being more work orientated and one being more fun orientated so that community would be writing and school, and achievement would be quilting.  Yes, I think that works for me.

Achievement – Quilting and other goals

Life – Housework

Social – friend, family and other relationships

Personal – health and fitness

Community – writing and school

Maybe now one word for all that – other than just me or us.  Maybe we can do something with the rest of it somewhat as we had once conceived for people at the center.  Hmm, that reminds me of the writing where we were breaking down Mimi’s Dragon.  Hmm, are we writing in Mimi’s Dragon now?  It would be nice to have some continuity, but I don’t know if there can be found any pieces of stuff in-between.  I think one of the complications was that we weren’t sure where we should be adding the school writing.  There is one thing about figuring stuff out, but there is another as to completed pieces.  If we add them one at a time as the assignments come up – then it would be long and redundant to do it again at the end.  I’m thinking now we shoot just for one at the end though, in that it would make more sense to the reader and keeps us in note mode here as we are writing and thinking.

I think we’re going to do a little catching up and see where that takes us.  I can’t believe how happy I am to be here again and thinking through things through the writing.  I think that one of the problems might have been though formatting with the dragon, in that perhaps speaking instead of letting our fingers touch the keyboard might assist us in going faster, but not give us enough time to think through what we want to say.  I do like the pace we are going now though recognize that it is taking us all morning to get this far and we are only on page seven.  Must be like everything else a bit of a compromise, hmm?  Maybe there is room to share both.  Have to get out of this either or thinking in that if we think we could handle both – then we don’t have to stop if something doesn’t go our way … that was part of what Dr. Marvin is saying.  I think – he didn’t use this word, but some of our thoughts are fairly rigid.

AHA!  Linda has stopped by.  We let ourselves pass in the night, but hadn’t seen at first when she had started to write – most likely at 10 am (it is now 10:20 am) and we have written back agreeing that we’d catch-up later and give her the chance to jump in the shower.  She’s been very productive in that she’s already been out for a walk with Tpony and has done the coffee part of her morning.  I think now she wants to do laundry and sewing, so is maybe working like us, but at a different pace, in that like her sewing can be during the day, where we feel we have to save ours and share it with Rich’s evening.  But, otherwise, what we were working on with the five domains is holding out to Linda’s goals too.  I think her quilting though blends over to her community (like our “work”) in that she gets paid for some long arm sewing and possibly for having finished quilts.

We talked to Rich last night about the birthday and the quilting.  We may have mentioned a little of that before.  Basically, we really can’t afford a “new” present and really had not much in mind, but possibly and expensive book written by a professional in multiplicity.  We talked to Rich in that regard to maybe checking out the library service to see if some of the most important books couldn’t be hunted down.

Shoot on first sight everything to do with multiplicity as to “multiple personality” and “dissociative identity disorder” is just light and fluffy works. 

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