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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Monday, July 9, 2012

Selected Goals and Strategies

Support Mission
Issue #1
A lot of external feedback we have monitored from the environment seems to be based on the question, “Is multiplicity real?”  How do we address that?
·         Determine if stakeholder is for, against or unsure as to reality of multiplicity
·         Determine what the opinion of is of multiplicity Consider the issues that multiples face
·         Determine if there is a question or real memories or trauma
·         Determine if the multiple is under any current threat or feels safe
·         Is there a strangeness being represented by the multiple that the external might not accept
·         Could the multiple be seen as making a contribution to  public value
·         Does the multiple have good internal/external communications, or support
1.      Open the Google search emails and categorize the information in the access program
2.      Check your boundaries to assure that things being said aren’t directed to you
3.      Make reasonable determinations, but don’t become obsessed with detail
4.      Relate observations and insight in the appropriate data field
5.      When in doubt trust
Implemented successful guidance, control and management measures, applied Internet search, built competency, learned more about multiples culture, partook in real learning about the environment, worked toward constructing relationships with external others, maintained a position of not being overwhelmed or discouraged, increased tolerance, assisted in building public value
Issue #2
How will we develop the stamina, courage and tolerance of accepting things better from the external world (outside our minds to include physical)?
·         Is there a sense of honesty and truthfulness
·         Do we feel strong enough today to deal with whatever answer we might find to go forward and challenge our environment
·         Can we handle any physical challenge given to us today
·         Do we feel tolerant in being contradicted with something different then we are used to
·         Can we accept change including moving fluently in our home
·         Can we accept the things that we cannot fix
·         Do we have examples of coping today
·         Can we go outside the apartment or out of doors today
·         Have we had physical exercise today or completed housework
·         did we have any new experiences today to improve the quality of our life
·         Have we lost weight today
·         Have we done something toward getting ready for Vietnam
1.      Answer daily the questions to Mimi’s Dragon whether or not we were able as a system to interact within our external environments
2.      Check the emotional overlay – do we still feel balanced – was there anything special to ajar us
3.      Check whether our markers were met such as coping, weight, exercise, housework, and planning
Used Mimi’s Dragon, implemented successful guidance and control externally, built competence, learned through work and play, better understood construction of relationships with external others, especially with friend – being out with Rich, maintained a position not to become too discouraged, increased positive perception, experienced day-to-day simple life changes, advanced personal value
Issue #3
If it is apparent, and it is, that Ann Marie has significant influence on our system (and Mimi’s Dragon), how can we better know and identify her?
·         How much percentage of the day did we feel Ann Marie’s presence
·         Have we been able to process well schoolwork today
·         Has everyone checked whether something was ok with Ann Marie today (include in decision-making)
·         Do we know what Ann Marie’s personal goals are with the day
·         Has Ann Marie been in to check on the dashboard with or w/o assistance
·         Has Ann Marie had complicated thought processes during the day
·         Were there times when you wondered where Ann Marie was
·         Did Ann Marie do something she can be proud of for taking responsibility
·         Did you remember to feel grateful for Ann Marie being on your team or committee
1.      Answer daily to Mimi’s dragon whether we were able to communicate to Ann Marie and in which functions
2.      Invite Ann Marie to write in the Mimi’s Dragon herself
3.      Check the charts to assure that everyone is memorizing committee, team and group members along with partners
Used Mimi’s Dragon, gained in an internal support, gained structure through the dashboard, advanced multiple systems through strategy planning and competence, fostered habits of dialogue and real learning, better understood relationship with Ann Marie, didn’t become overwhelmed or too discouraged, found tolerance in others, experienced day-to-day simple life challenges, advanced personal value
Issue #4
How do we as parts, assist Ann Marie in dealing with or negotiating the system’s harder emotions without over-burdening her (overwhelm and/or discourage)?
·         Did we feel overwhelmed to the degree of shutting down
·         Did the system have to take naps or go to bed early
·         Were problems explained clearly to Ann Marie without her need to disappear
·         Can you be confident that you won’t be replaced for sharing coping skills
·         Is life still getting better
·         Were there times during the day you needed to ask for help
·         Have you felt in danger today
·         Would you consider the day stable or typical
·         Have you faced everything given to you today and been able to maintain a reasonable schedule – well paced
·         Was there a fast succession of switches during your watch
·         Did you have the impression that Ann Marie or another part was frightened/scared
·         Were you able to recognize your sense of purpose
·         Did you feel loved or cared for today
·         Were there images of the cave or the “dead zone”
·         Did you build trust today with anyone
·         Do you have the perspective that all problems have solutions
1.      Write in Mimi’s dragon whether or not there were crises during the day and how they were handled
2.      Include whether or not you believe that parts or the core was well supported
3.      If there was a breakdown can a critical point be determined that was not caught appropriately at the right time
4.      Could you summarize the day so that you could feel a positive sense of self-worth for both yourself(ves) and or Ann Marie
Wrote in Mimi’s Dragon, implemented successful guidance, control and management measures through internal supports, built competency, tested personal culture changes, fostered habits of dialogue, inquiry and real learning, better understood the construction of a relationship, better understood the roles of a peer and friend, didn’t become overwhelmed or discouraged, increased positive perception and tolerance for differences of others, experienced simple life changes and increased personal value

Final Strategy Statement carried forward to the Strategic Plan (based on Worksheet 27)

Mimi’s Dragon will incorporate each of the issues as the writer checks in on the progress of the goals and strategies outlined above and in living day-to-day.  The work will be published at the completion of her Master’s degree.  The purpose of the project is to present as a multiple in a non-traumatizing manner to give insight on the differences of thinking processes and that processes given are more abled than disabled.  Hopefully, the project will become one in a series of books that chart over a long period of time the development of a person who happens to have multiplicity and that in doing so it will belay some of the criticisms given toward the diagnosis and therapeutic results.  The ultimate goals are to finish the book, finish the degree and for the system to have a very productive year. There will be performance indicators such as writing most days, finishing homework assignments, taking care of the “doables,” and becoming more physically fit and active.

The theory behind the project is to be as honest and real as is possible in bridging the differences of the internal and external lives.  There is no goal to integrate as one person rather than as a multiple, but there is a set need to understand and challenge more actively the core part of our personalities, so that there is more order and reliability, especially as the system continues to pursue loftier goals of a doctorate degree. 

The principle components of the project is for Ann Marie and the parts to check in daily with the dashboard, write nearly daily to Mimi’s Dragon, and then begin the editing process for the content tags.  The Google search will be formatted to fit an Access data bases and while this is happening, the system has to progress in getting itself to places where it can interact externally and with others who are external.  Items such as schoolwork, housework and being out on events particularly with Rich are hoped to become more prevalently routine.

The system has the capabilities it needs and it is determined to progress.  The goals and expectations are reasonable and established both short- and long-term.  The system in general is very systematic and analytical which will be seen as assets as the information gathered is incorporated through the writing of the book.  It is hoped that through this effort and others like it that the public will be well-served.  In general, the system is good natured and has excellent support systems. The project should last between the time frame of February 22, 2012 and June 30, 2013.  Each two month period as the courses at JIU change the emphasis into the project will also change and develop. 

Resources and Changes in the Organization         

There will not be many resources required other than time, patience and good will.  At the end of the project the system will need to develop a means to publish the book, but it has published before and understands that it can be done again for $1500-2500, which is a reasonable sum to earn over the course of greater than a year.  The computer and software necessary for writing is in excellent shape and people to interact with are plentiful.  There are additional costs in just living without working at an external job, but these needs are being cared for through a supplemental income and school loan.  Most likely there won’t be much gathered for savings with the project.  Expenses should be covered and the book when completed will not be thought to make a huge sum of money because the cause of the book belongs to a small audience and there is much competition for books that float toward psychological biographies.

Most rules, policies changes required are internal with the exception for the hard deadlines like bills, assignments, psychiatry sessions and doctor appointments, and a weight loss goal to lose 2-3 pounds a week for 20 weeks until the system plans to travel out of the country.  There is also one more rule internally attached and that is to follow as best the system can toward its established support roles with people close to the system. 

The project is flexible enough so that changes can be made as the project is being worked out over time, and it is hoped that it will change as new scholarly pursuits become available.  There is always a discrepancy between what is happening and what one wishes to happen so it becomes necessary to realign the direction frequently to keep on the track one destines to be on.  There should also be points of summary like at the end of each two month period when major papers or projects are handed in for evaluation.  There is also a natural summary point in the turning of one month to another.  Each month represents its own chapter in Mimi’s Dragon.  And, there are smaller weekly summaries with some of the courses. 

There is some associated risk in writing in that the person writing is exposed to a larger audience he or she does not control.  Most of this is handled by maintaining boundaries that are healthy for the system.  It doesn’t seem to matter much if people know common things like weight, or activities, or even if we are having the love life of our calling.  The writer has been using a blog for almost ten years and so the transference of information seems second nature and is part of being in a society that is socially saturated with media exposure. 

There also seems to be an unwritten rule with multiples who write.  There is always the thought – could you help someone else?  And, in this case it seems to be true.  Good information that is more accurate would assist in clarifying what is and isn’t real about multiplicity.  And, in the process it allows the writer/thinker to grow in skill and ability while learning and teaching which seems to be the most important attributes of her life. There is always going to be love, but there is no problem in loving what one does and the writing for this project seems to fit hand and glove to this life-long series of goals.

Please Answer this in Week 4 Pepper Monday, April 2, 2012

So well said Ann. Hmmm. I offhandedly love the Archterhoff Themes, though. I have actually sent some copies to our legal counsel in explanation, and he has been impressed, especially the one on the STEEP. He started doing and striving in "external scanning mode" after reading it. Mona has been so on top of answering questions about any confusion. I appreciate that so much.

Thank you for such an articulate post.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012 1:50 PM

Hi, this is me. I've got about an hour before I go to Dr. Marvin's appointment and so I thought I would try to catch up a little bit. I don't think it's been since maybe Saturday or Sunday since I've written. Hopefully today I can catch up. I think the biggest thing I had done was I had finished my schoolwork on Sunday and you just saw that above, so if that down and then yesterday I believe based did something in the morning but then I found myself sleeping all afternoon. I must've slept straight from three or four hours straight before dinner. I don't know what got me so tired. Oh dear. This is one of those times that we are going to have a hard time figuring out what we were doing.

I think yesterday we talked to Maury, or perhaps it was Sunday but I'm pretty sure it was Monday. He had come back from Arkansas with his family and that turned out to be a real maestro for them they've got more family obligations coming up the next month around Mother's Day, but we'll get into that later you are going to be doing a lot of Mother's Day so there's that and I also remember the part where the dog had a really good time swimming in the Springs with the girls. It was a first for the dog. I know Maury only had a couple more days work and that he was going to have some more time off for his regular weekend I think he was fighting in a hard time to go back to work after having so many nice days off.

We got a picture from Duyen of time teaching at the school for some kids going through problems if he was a professional is with a group of maybe six or seven other Marines and it looked like the ratio was about to students to one Marine, always Thom has this great sense of humor he can get pretty darn strict but he looked like he was having a good time. I haven't heard too much from Joe and Cari although Kerry is getting very close to the end of school year for her and she should be a nurse. We got a chance to see her in her nurse’s uniform and she looked pretty sharp very happy looking girl.

I don't hear too much from Linda. We did get a chance to talk a couple times for the most part she was talking about her grandsons being over or her granddaughter and her Easter plans with her mother may be coming down maybe not. She really surprises me. Going from a big trip to California to so much involvement with the family, but I guess her grandsons parents are in Mexico this week and she had volunteered to take them for her daughter. My understanding is down both grandsons are sick and she has got that to deal with to I feel bad for her but I know she's strong enough to do the deal.

I think when I get back and learn enough to make a decision about going to Wisconsin and Minnesota. I will try to talk to Dr. Marvin about it today. The biggest thing at this point is whether I should be going. Because of the medicine he's got me on is making me very tired that's a lot of driving for some of that's so tired. I think maybe if I was more enthused about the trip to but I'm not really most to me, would just rather stay home right now. I think the only one that it would frustrate was the twins and of course Connie sue but Connie sue seems to be having a lot of stuff going on between her and her family. So I'm not so sure if I really want to get into the metal wall that can be locked up there for even for five days, it seems like a lot of time.

Rich and I were doing pretty good tell less night and then he got me with the negative one about the time that I was needing a positive and so I ended up not going to his work with him, but maybe today I will be able to go after Dr. Marvin's appointment the should be as last night and hopefully by tomorrow he'll be able to deliver the goods and get the last of the money he was owed for that job. It really came at a very good time he also got a little bit of money left from his income tax which is something I've never heard rich doing before, and then the other thing that can happen – well there were a couple things.

The first is that today I got my first check for the government disability and it went to the bank. Unfortunately, went to the wrong bank account went to my account instead of the one where bridges designee payee designee, or whatever you call it but the money is there and so I'm thinking that maybe when rich comes home the next day or two we will be able to pay the rent and very happy about that and then the other thing is that I got a call today from Cynthia from the financial people at UIC and she said that my Medicaid was approved. Neither she or I have the paperwork yet and so we don't know what the spin down is going to be but she gave me the caseworker's name is Ms. Antelique and she said that the Medicaid is going to go all the way back to October which is about the time that I was losing my medical insurance with Blue Cross Blue Shield. So I felt very fine about that again something that you talk to Dr. Marvin about today. It's already into it. April so was a long time coming. That was about six months without any kind of insurance or income. It's a big deal. It really is.

One of the things I did yesterday. I guess now that I'm remembering was that I went into and opened up the access database and tried to figure that out a little bit. I didn't have very much patience for it, but I started, I went through about 15 stories on multiples just over a couple days and I put them into the database. Again I'm not real happy with the way it's set up yet but it was first time I did it to have your chance to see what I could do with it. It was very hard. The hard part is reading the stories I mean for example there's one story where the first one where the writer says it sounds like MPD or is that multiple jacka$$. It gives you kind of an idea, which is facing right away. The next one they talked about nutty professor and the Eddie Murphy, who played that part of having multiple personality disorders and then there was another one on a 16-year-old who thought she had multiple personality disorder, although she didn't have any real recognizable signs.

The next one had something to do with wondering if she was dissociative also although she was 35 and stated she had had a traumatic childhood the couple more. One thought that if you read anything on multiplicity that would be a lie and that had to do with it being April 1, or Aprils fool’s day. There was another one talking about it being a controversial disease and not really knowing if it had a neurological underpinning to it. There was another article where they talked about a judge who was like Sybil because he had different unpredictable ways of brewing in his court. There was another one where they talked about Herschel Walker visiting different American military installations particularly with posttraumatic stress disorder there's another lady that thought she was so sexual that I had to do with her multiple personalities couldn't about her and then the last one was somebody talking about being bullied by others who didn't believe they had multiple personality disorder.

I think these are can be very common types of situations. I run up against doing the research shows a lot of disbelief out there and people using it incorrectly people not knowing a lot about it. Some of the articles were mentioned under blogs or Web. There were a couple ones that were located under news. The one with Herschel Walker and the judge those are both news items which I find hard to believe.

I'm just not sure how I want to take these stories then I mean yesterday I was just writing down main headlines in a couple of the details of the most first aid or know who the author was stuff like that, but I don't know if I want to start thinking about these categories are not yet. I think women have to get quite a few more before I can really start to sort it out properly. We'll have to see how closely the stories aligned with each other. I'm not sure how the search is pulling these particular things off the Internet. I mean it does seem that the day that they are coming in is really the day that the event happened so these are enough to came in on the first of really happened on the first so that makes it current for the newer ones coming in. I'm just not sure how they get marked as being the relevant ones on the Internet because I'm sure there's so much more out there. I like to think of it this point is being a sample which was fair enough. I will catch on after a while of the coming from the same blogs such.

As to today - I haven't really gotten towards the computer very much at all except for now. I guess I did spend an hour listening to Linda. I did pull out all the reading that we had to do this weekend. I was so happy to find out we didn't have to read any chapters from the big book last time they had three chapters and I thought all is good go bonkers there was so much reading to do about 40 pages a chapter there's no pictures. This time there was three or four articles plus the themes so is really liked I was still falling asleep but I got most of it done right around lunch time. Richard came in about the same time I was finishing up. Then he had to go out to a ballgame likely have said before we probably will meet him after Dr. Marvin's in dinner.

Last night, he had me play Turkey and he was already prepared by him but he had me put it in the oven after he had left and then less 90 deboned it did and so now for the next three or four days would have Turkey which is fine but she was miracle whip and sandwiches – YAY! I think nothing much else is going on; the cats are doing what still displaying about. Maybe we can talk about the parts a little bit more after Dr. Marvin's he was supposed to finish doing some reading for me so he knew what was going on with what we were doing at school. I think he's a couple papers behind but I don't know if I want to bring in the rest of it. I have to take a look see what's there. Now I don't think we want to go through all that is good enough to talk about Dr. Marvin was backed up a couple weeks, three weeks to be exact.

I asked rich before he left, if we were mad at Dr. Marvin or not. Are we happy with you? Are we unhappy with you? I don't know I don't recall what we were doing last time. It, was Thursday – Lordy whoever knows. I feel like I haven't seen him for a long time. Otherwise I feel little bit lazy in general. Sometimes we get Denny's mostly just want to give him a hard time. I'm not sure that's coming from. Oh I remember one thing we were grouchy and irritable. I don't know if we got to the point of smiling before we left. I think part of the pharmacy still spending too much time on medicine but we have to remember to get some more of the one we handed in the Ritalin.

All it looks like we have you back again, bad Dragon, bad. Somehow my programs get all discombobulated we had too many going on at the same time anyway so I shut everything down and in turn everything back on again. This time though we've only got Dragon in the word processor open probably healthier for the machine were having a little trouble with anticipation for little bit antsy. Should you take the medicine too? I'll be right back.

Okay were back we did everything to get ready. Including getting dressed I think after grab my phone. Everything else should be done in the car. I'm hoping that there's enough money down there, but if nothing else, the credit card is in the car. We've got about 20 min. left before we have to go through to get some water too and took my medicine. I should've taken that about an hour or two ago. About now what kind of thinking that we would like talk to Dr. Marvin pretty soon and it seems like it's taking forever. Maybe we should matter salsa checklist or something but I don't think we usually do that kind of thing. If I know we could wake up in time. I think it probably even almost take a nap. Wonderfully couldn't do that we might just go early take a nap or bring it will bring the Kindle with us. I don't think we have an e-mail or anything right now better check.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012 10:19 AM

Good morning. It's all Wednesday and I have slept as much as a person could he would sleep he still be tired. I woke up a little bit during the morning like to see rich off them to switch positions in bed, I would pretty much had been sleeping since up to 10 o'clock this morning. I still feel groggy. We did eat earlier like about eight o'clock we took her medicine. But then again we fell asleep and were still hungry. Rich is pointed out the less several mornings that we've been waking up and having food dreams. This morning there was something about having sticky buns. It's probably where I'm gaining calories is in my sleep.

I am feeling incredibly tired. I feel like I'm just rocking in my sleep here. I've got to shake it off. I did take a shower, and I did call Richard ask him if his hours were going such that I could come over and help him out. Were both aware that I should be writing a paper today he would be getting it in early but that wouldn't kill me. Basically I have the time I should be doing it now, but I'm not ready for that. I have to get to the point where I feel like I'm up at least. I'm just uncomfortable groggy. I did take my medicine this morning. I don't know what's going wrong. Last night we saw Dr. Marvin. I'm not sure exactly how that turned out. I know there were certain parts out but I couldn't identify all of them. I'm wondering now if part of our sleepiness is holding onto Mimi. I know that when we were younger and we wanted to get out of our situation we would just sleep that was pretty much Mimi's function.

We did talk to Dr. Marvin about the medicines and he wrote out a prescription so that were going to be taking too little in the day which help something although it hasn't been helping this morning I am just so uncomfortable. Maybe if I move around the house a little bit. I'll be right back. Okay I'm back at it. Something I really started the dishwasher got some of the dishes out of the living room. It's a start. I hadn't realize Richard put all the Turkey pen Zen and the dishwasher was too full for all the dishes should have been aware of that yesterday, but I guess it was out of it.

I'm feeling so down to the sink where it started to talk about Dr. Marvin seems to be a hard part of my morning after going through some of the preliminary stuff just checking in. We told him we didn't remember if we were friendly with him or not. I think he indicated we were doing better but we had had some problems. The week before because our crankiness. I do remember being cranky. I'm not sure what that was all about. I think today were more tired and cranky. We did talk about driving and he thought probably it wouldn't be a good idea to do the long drives to either Wisconsin or Minnesota that was sort of a relief off my mind because I didn't feel up to it. This is been too much sleeping tiredness. There got some coffee. Maybe they'll help were dealing again with Missy, is the pattern every time we start talking to type then she comes over and wants attention. We're trying to do that without getting grouchy again.

We stopped by and left a note for Linda. She's having problems with one of her grandsons being sick and going through those kinds of worries I hope she gets out okay. I do believe in her.

Dr. Marvin's main interest, I think of the evening, was that he had read the school material that we had sent him the week before and I could tell that he was a little bit on the excited side, there I think he likes one. There is progress within the system. He was talking to several different parts. I know that Anniemi identified herself and it was identified later that Anne-Marie had been out and probably some younger parts were out as well, as well as some of the older parts. It is hard because people switch so much in-between times we can get a fix on it. Though I think I'm remembering right now but Anne-Marie is that somebody before had mentioned that she didn't like it that it was a cave and she said afterwards that maybe she could call it a copy and Dr. Marvin had agreed that that sounded a little bit cozier. So now we know that she sensitive that will try not to use that kind of terminology. I don't know exactly the conversation that any of the parts have Dr. Marvin and that's kind of bothersome but I suppose it will come in time if it's important for me to know I know that at one part and he me had said she was out and Dr. Marvin asked her if she knew who her partner was and she said no and so he told her it was Sarah and that was kind of funny because it put a smile on her face. I think she likes Sarah always think as there is a happy one.

I think we talked to Dr. Marvin about kind of the crazy feeling of all this and basically was it normal to be doing what we were doing and we didn't know whether just because we had created a system to get in better contact with the different parts of it would work. I think his general sense of it was that we should try and that it seemed like a good idea. There was something else said between him and Anne-Marie now that I'm remembering and that was that she told him that she likes most the sound of his voice. I think he was quiet and soft again and he questioned her about it and she said the words sing-song, basically that he has a sing song in his voice. And that's very reassuring to her. He had use the word reassuring but she knew what he was saying. I think it might've let him know that he was doing the right thing to which was a good reaffirmation.

I know that while we were out, we recognize that different multiples have different ways of organizing their minds and we are no exception to the rule. I know we also talked a little bit about the Google searches and someone gave him a general idea on the kind of things that we had found. He also knows that were not real happy with our data collection system yet but he knows that were trying when we talked about the hard part of what we are doing that seemed to be the hardest part because there's so much negativity coming from the outside world.

I think we told him also that we are on time the school. We had gotten there is other homework in by Sunday and we had done the reading yesterday so that part was good. Dr. Marvin doesn't seem to talk as much sometimes it's just anticipated. We know that when he's getting excited about something but we must be on the right path and I do know that the system tries to please him. Not that we are going to do anything that we shouldn't or couldn't, or whatever. Because we won his approval but just because we use it as a gauge to know that were doing okay. He talked again about how things were falling into place and because their life is little bit more regulated, we emphasize the part about his being in the house without having to go out that things were settling down and we should be able to work better at this level. We talked about also a little of the problem with identifying each of the cells. I think the one part is that the cells really don't know when they're different from the other issues that other parts identify you and then it's a matter of taking ownership of any me talked about taking responsibility with that ownership and I think that was the hard part for her.

When we took that about as long as we could and then we broke down and had our lunch a little bitterly it's 11 now. I should've waited till 11:30 AM. But it was close enough. It was good but I probably ate too much. We just had turkey pieces with miracle whip. I think I mentioned it but rich us. Post be home around noon and his can have lunch and then he'll decide by then whether he could use my help at the shop or not. I did talk to him on the phone and he knows I've taken my shower and I'm ready to go if you would like. So it's on him. I know that today he's trying to close up shop. So if I can be of any help. There's no doubt we have trouble getting out of the house but we feel great empathy for him to you nobody's had to do with this job and the hours he has put into it.

For the work on our school, we have to come up with key performance indicators. I suppose I could start thinking about that now. I might have to get out some of the paperwork so read the questions again they do what we'll do is we'll go over to school and see who's responded so far, and responses are giving. It looks like time yeah Mary and Jerry a lot of heady and some doctor and click has been there.

Yeeks! Gerald went off again. This time he hit Brian. Brian had written to him as one of the requirements is to write to your peers and he had suggested a couple ideas but had left the situation in good tactic he had started with his statement saying it was a good overall plan and he ended with you saying you his paper was well thought out that he could find some good groundwork to move ahead and good luck and I wish her the best on your move forward. And you know very accommodating. But Gerald took it as an insult that Brian didn't understand what he was doing that he had thought to make up something to deal with his own pettiness and that Thom said them so I doesn't suit your needs and it was like there was nothing about suiting anybody's needs it was just that Brian was giving you no literal feedback and he got this really totally with data shape in Gerald told Brian that he was offended that that he was talked to in this manner and that he suggested that the end that Brian develop a professional. A relationship with someone that he could find more trustworthy so he'd totally misread the situation altogether and I don't think normally the class corrects the situations I think it's up to the teacher she's going to say anything at all the last teacher. When we had a hotheaded the room pacified the hothead rather than correct him for being over sensitive. I don't know what doctoring big is going to do in this situation if anything at all and I don't know how Brian will respond Bryans really sweet kid. Well is an adult, obviously but he's he's a nice guy. He wouldn't do anything out of ordinary to upset anyone and if anything he was probably commenting to of males because he didn't want to take the risk of upsetting any of the females he's very good-natured Academy three classes. I'm not so impressed with this Gerald person. He's retired commissioned officer from the Army and is very quick to jump down somebody's throat.

Basically, as far as echoes - I just don't deal with them. If you comment something to me, then I'll say something but to not he's too dangerous.

Now we have to calm ourselves down again it looks like five students have responded already to the 5.1 assignment. And it looks like six students have responded to the various statements yet. This week the various comment says what is one performance indicator in your organization that you see is troublesome in the sense that it hinders performance is written reliable etc. you may of course discuss other aspects of module five here. That I have to really get into what I'm any use for performance indicators. I've always had trouble with that I suppose it's time to go figure that out you better take another nap. I'm not sure in which direction I'm going. Signing off for now bye-bye

Thursday, April 05, 2012 9:27 AM

Good morning. How is everybody this morning? It is now Thursday morning at about 9:30 AM. We have done very little with the morning so far. We pretty much slept through until about nine o'clock although we are up for a little bit with rich before he left for work. We did check out Facebook this morning an e-mail and left a note for Linda, and we did close at least get one though done the washing machine. It was a special request from rich to do his baseball close before he needs them this afternoon at 2 PM. Not much else to be said of the morning, maybe during our next break. We will empty the dishwasher and reloaded that would help and then we need to vacuum again today. I know the excitement of a housewife is just pretty thrilling isn't it?

Today is a Dr. Marvin day and were anticipating that – whether it is good or not. I'm not sure yet. I can't help but think that some of our slowing down her sleepiness has to do with what's going on there and perhaps Ann-Marie trying to get over some of her fears – kind of a blocking off of things. I would like to give Dr. Marvin the benefit of doubt today and just listen to him. Perhaps he can give us some advice as far as what we doing there how to be going next. That was the period of time where we start yawning all over again and flip-flopping as far as what to talk about Pacifica grasp any one concept going through our brain seems almost impossible go at this time. Seems like were pure avoidance mode and part of that includes homework. We did stop over at the school today and now Gerald is causing some problems with another girl lady. She's not in Hawaii and she always starts her phrases with Aloha and now he is complaining that she is speaking in a language that is foreign to 99% of the group. We seem to understand her quite well as does most the class is just the Gerald is causing more problems arose seems the one rotten egg in the bunch. He can be pretty darn frustrating. I can't imagine what he thinks of multiplicity, I've no intention of asking him.

I don't know what to say. I don't know which direction my mind should go next. I think we've got the basics covered. Now what is it there my mind is supposed to think about that is so darn important? I find myself looking at the chart that I give Dr. Marvin the teacher as to which parts are in which committees. I think Dr. Marvin is going to push us a little bit to think through it some more because he would be interested in the ideas that were not presenting. I think he believes that we should do more with stating which parts are communicating with which parts. This next part is that chief is deciding that he needs to sit with us some more while we are writing he jumped up on her lap for a good old-fashioned pet. While I admire his gumption, this is probably not going to work out. We had to put him down on the floor. He's not so happy about that but he does break my train of thought, whatever thought I have left.

I suppose the thing would be to continuing my schoolwork which would continue the trend I thought of Dr. Marvin is going to get into. He seemed interested in the flashcards. Those are the ones that we had written up specifying who blog in which group in which parts blonde who as far as partners go. We have been reticent to look at that more seriously. Maybe it's called resistance. That's if we go down the line just wants to practice.

·         Jesse and Mimi.

·         Ayn and Crystal

·         Kate and Gracie

·         Ann and Anna.

·         Jamie and Casey

·         Kelsey and KC

·         Corey and Marie

·         Sarah and Anniemi

·         Lissa and Henry

We broke them up in groups of three so that the very oldest in the very youngest is in the first group, the middle oldest with the middle youngest is in the second group, and the middle -middle are in the third group.  Good, good, we just practice once we got through the whole list. One time with one part there's much more memorizing to do. But it's a step in the right direction.

Okay good we're making progress here we change loads of clothes in the washing machine to the drying machine, we wrote the sewing group, Henley wrote and asking her to mail April and August Saturday sampler material so we can continue our work. We just said. The part about her ex-mother-in-law have been died, and his wife being in and being on medicine that wouldn't allow us to travel this month. We also did say something about going to Vietnam.

Okay we are back again. It's now 11:20 AM. We've done a few things. The last thing we did was we got the close out of the dryer folded and hung them up so they're ready for when rich comes home, we also made a couple calls regarding our passport. We can get the passport taken care of at fire post office and we need to bring driver's license and birth certificate and so then we had to find a birth certificate it wasn't good enough that we had certificate of live birth from the hospital so they gave us to the Kennebec County Courthouse and from there we went online and was able to pull out the application for birth certificate now the next state is that I have to fill it out in front of a notary Republic so I'll have to go to the bank and then it'll be faxed to Hennepin County Government Center and then I believe in a couple weeks I'll get something back. I think it's going to cost some amount of money for the birth certificate. Maybe like $26 going to cost another 25 at the post office for that service plus another $110 to the servers they send it to, so it is not too late to get this started right now. I am still unsure about the visa part maybe somebody at the bank will be kind enough to explain that to me. I'm pretty sure it's going to cost a few extra dollars to have the pictures taken at the post office to but that might be the thing to do. It seems the handiest.

I've about work my way up to lunch time. There are a few things I would rather have gotten done before. Rich got home. This means being backed up on my feet again. Live enough in me to do that?

Sunday, April 08, 2012 9:31 AM

Good morning and happy Easter! We've been doing pretty good so far, although it was a rough start first thing in the morning because we woke up at three o'clock and didn't find our Easter basket but then later, when rich woke up he said that Easter Bunny had hid it under something and so then he showed us where the Easter basket was. And then we were happy. We've been kind of eating it from it all morning, but rich said that if we ate it all then we would be loopy. I'd like to think we’re not loopy. Are you bothering me already? Sorry rich came back he said we could talk but we told him that we were talking about him and he only smiled. We snuck out after he left and got two more pieces of chocolate. I'll teach him about being loopy. I'm not loopy. I like chocolate and jelly beans and marshmallows.

We wrote to Linda already this morning. She said that summer and her family went home, but her mother is there now and then later on I think that Sarah, Adam, and Teadora will be there for Easter dinner. That poor woman is never going to get a rest. She said she was going to church this morning; I sure wouldn't want to do that.

We also checked our mail and we checked our school forum. Oh my gosh -  I just checked my mail again and it says that Mike Wallace of CBS news has died at the age of 93 years old. I feel bad for him. He was getting pretty old, but he was still an important person in the news world. Not too many people at school this morning because most people had to get in assignments last night and then they don't look at the form on Sundays. I did get one nice note from somebody named Janice, who said that she was learning from our things on disability that might apply to her mom and dad because they were disabled, and that made me feel very nice.

It made me feel very nice fellow when Pepper said yesterday that she would like to see my project. We sent it to her as a special gift, but the real gift was that she would read our paper. Pepper is the smartest person in our course. There are other people that are smart. I mean, there's principles and stuff like that but pepper works hard to be where she's at. She works for a new company that is putting out some kind of energy efficient products in Colorado. She writes very well and is shown the most interest in me which is really nice. I do think that the teacher is giving me some attention. Even in class so that is caught her attention and she knows that I probably am one of the best writers in the class. I have a little bit of a default in that we’re disabled and so some people find it hard to talk to us.

I think that's the reason but Pepper has been good. I would consider her my top competition if we were to compete but there's no need for that there's room for both of us. I know that I'm the best in what I do and she's the best at what she does. She seems to know people well which is always a gift in my eyesight. She gets around and says a lot of things to a lot of people that make him happy but maybe not as important as the happiness she gives me because I'm pretty needy with that kind of stuff. Some people put a little bit more into school and some people just get by with what's required. I'm always pretty surprised when I read every  somebody has said and it has been no more than 4-5 pages total effort after five weeks of study - at least when I take notes as I'm reading the material that's the most I've come up with so far. I did enjoy reading Mike's paper in that he was very consistent and he added more information that was beneficial to his project. You can get on whole entire feeling about what's on a person's mind from reading their assignments. I would prefer if we could read the point to ones like pepper had suggested. But I don't think they get much lengthier than what has been put out already. One woman - I followed yesterday had about three pages of writing, or at least that much worth it in my notes. And another woman - I could barely make out a full paragraph or so of her notes because they were so sketchy. I feel bad because this woman happens to be from Brazil and is doing very exceptional work in a very needy area of her city, but she talks about going on for doctorates degree and I don't think I would pass reviewed Masters because she's not doing with the assignments ask. Maybe intensity matters more.

I know though in comparison to everyone else I write too much. I don't know how to narrow down my writing yet and at some point there could get to be a hazard. I took it to heart when we were writing the grant knowing that in a regular grant would've only have had so much space to do the grant writing and I would've had to narrow down quite a bit of it to have passed.

I almost started reading the next assignment. There is some reading online but primarily its chapters 10 and 11 out of the big book. I will bring it with me when we go to riches mom's place. Because between getting there and driving the brothers. There's been be a lot of driving, although sometimes we sit in the car and we just look out the window at the time pass merrily by. I never remember much between one farm in the other so it all seems new to me.

We took a shower already when rich was messing around doing some cleanup work here so we wouldn't have to take a break now that it's 10:00 AM - Which means I've got an hour before we need to leave. I think he was trying to get back in the house at 10:15 AM to 10:30 AM so he could take his shower as well. He's out cleaning the car, and I heard that he's going to bring our Christmas tree to Buds. I'm not so happy about that because it seems like my stuff over somebody else's house but the truth is that we don't have the room because we have that in the closet. We can fit the steamer in there. So the steamer has thing on the living room. That's no good. I forgot we might have to steam some close rich said that he wanted to wear his fancier shirts and I'm not sure if they're in the state of wrinkled he will let me know when he comes back in.

He came back in … it’s about 10 am, and he was too much of a rush and he put whatever he was carried on top of a couple of glasses and broke them.  Then he said “shit” was on the counter, but if they WERE tumblers, they were his “stuff.”  There’s always a way of making it seem like the other guys fault when in truth he should have been more careful.  I can’t help that …

We switched over to hand typing so we wouldn’t have our space invaded.  It has been frustrating all morning, because we were waiting for a quiet time to use the living room and we never got that and now in less than an hour we are going to need to go for the better majority of the day.  This really wasn’t my plan.  He scheduled us to see his mother without asking and I had wanted to see Maury and the girls.  I’m still feeling kind of lousy about that.  I’m trying to give Rich a break because he won’t have a long time with his mother before she’s gone, but she has to do her part of making herself more loveable to others.  I suppose that is how we’ll be when we get old?  Just grumbling and complaining and putting ourselves into a drunken stupor?  Oh Lord, please don’t let that happen to me.  I want people to remember me for good things - which should probably mean that I stop complaining now. 

I just miss my boys on the holidays.

There was a break here and a couple grumbly things said … I went in to see if his shirt was going to need steaming and he was grumpy, so we just went to the bedroom and laid down and then he tried to pick a fight that I was saying negative things toward him.  Then we told him we knew we were going to be the bad guy, because we weren’t supportive enough or said the right words.  But, he got better.  He had to go downstairs again to do something, and now he’s coming up again.  It’s about 10:30 am and he still needs to take his shower.  We’ve done that and gotten dressed, but I don’t have anything for my hair yet.  Somewhere I got to get a couple small barrettes.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal then.  We put on our purplish blue striped shirt because it is in Easter type colors and goes well with his purple shirt.  I hope he doesn’t criticize and say I didn’t dress good enough.  I’m hoping he is better now.  He said he broke something downstairs too.  We told him he was rushing too much and not being careful.  That was why he said we said a bad thing to him. 

I’d feel better if he just got to the shower.  He hadn’t planned enough time because he thought he had more, so he kept watching more and more fishing shows.  My problem is thinking that his situation should be my fault - like he’s the one that needed a time out in the bedroom not me.  HMPF!

Ok, moving on with the day

Ahh just put up a happy Easter picture on our FB.  It’s got three cute little yellow chicks – real!  And they are wearing pink bunny ears.  J  That makes me feel better.  People should feel good on holidays.  Rich has calmed down so that is better.  Maybe he feels some pressure for the holidays too.  He’s not seeing his kids either.  I know that I should call my mother today as well, but not feeling quite up to that … maybe later.  I should do it in the car ride, so we could keep it short, but just not feeling very mother welcoming.  Let’s not go into the negative side again, right?

I found an old barrette and I’m not sure if it’s going to hold, but so far so good.  Rich is almost done in the bathroom.  He’s got 15 minutes before we are scheduled to leave.  It’s about 53 now and supposed to get up to 64.  I’m going to try getting out of the house without my jacket.  Rich doesn’t cut me much slack here though … It will be a magical feat if it happens.  I just don’t like things on my arms.  I know the car has heat if it really gets cold.  He’s going to say c’mon we’ve got to go, but we’ll be ready … we’ve got our shoes on and the phone is here charging and ready to go.  Just need to grab the text book.  Hmm, maybe we could give ourselves the day off?  Hmm, I think we’ll do that.  We’ll just grab the kindle instead.  Then we can listen to some music in one ear if Rich decides to be quieter. 

Friday, April 13, 2012 9:03 AM

Good morning. This is me. And I have to apologize because I know that it's been quite a while since I've written. Today is Friday the last time we were here was I believe on Sunday. There's really no good excuse for that except for that we have been coming in and out of depression and seem to have trouble thinking that there's anything important in her mind to be writing about. It's probably not true. There are things to be writing about justice. It's hard to think of things. The cat and I are trying to train each other. She wants me to respond every time I write to her meowing and were trying to say when we’re starting to write the last thing we want to do is pay attention to her meowing so stop please.

So where do we start? I think the first part is that we have been to Dr. Marvin's two times this week on both Tuesday and Thursday and that seems to be the strongest priority of our week. We did get the school reading done, and we are almost done with the worksheet book relevant for Thursday's assignment, but we have not handed in this. I'm yet to now it's today later so that has to get done today. We are hoping that if we write this morning that a lever mind more freely open to be doing some of these other tasks.

Any way then we should start with Dr. Marvin sessions and see how far we get with that. On Tuesday session Ann Marie was out almost the entire session. And then on Thursday session, we recognize Anniemi out part of the session. Jesse had part of the session and then Anne-Marie had a big part of the session again.

When Anne-Marie is out, we feel very depressed and sullen and we have a hard time lifting her head up our eyes are always focused on the floor and she likes to cover herself at least her face. She seems responsive enough to Dr. Marvin's questions. Some of the questions she does know how to answer. She talked a little bit about some of the past, especially around her mother beating on her and how she had hid with Anna. She also recognizes Gracie. And talked about having younger parts which we have to assume are Mimi and crystal. As much difficulty as she has facing Dr. Marvin the system believes that she has a crush on him.

When we woke up this morning we had just come from a dream where Rosie had been holding our face and kind muzzling it in a nice way. Rosie was our old cross-country ski coach and he never did anything on that manner he never touched us romantically, but I think this is the aftereffect of the relationship. She's having with Dr. Marvin. Dr. Marvin would also never touch her romantically. We have to beat ourselves up your little bit because soon as we say that we want to insert something like were not worthy of it, but we know it's more than that. We know that they just have principles and ethics and they wouldn't break the boundaries.

We had the problem with BJ and that he lost his principles for moments at a time and did open himself up to be touched or to be touching. We are so angry with having had so much to do with religious people over the last 15 years. It seems that it's really messed us up quite a bit. Somebody was talking the other day about religion and it was like no - not going there. I do remember who was that was saying it though. We just have very little faith and religious people.

Dr. Marvin seems happy with the progress that we've been making. I know that. Jesse came out at the end of last session and was very doubtful that this was a progressive step forward. It's not easy to see them Jesse depressed. I don't know if she really was, but it seemed she was down maybe taken back by the whole situation. I'd have to think really hard about what it was that was talked about. I do know that when Dr. Marvin during one of the sessions asked Anne-Marie how old she was. She reported about 16 or 17 years of age. We think several things happen at this point. She had obviously had a crush on her teacher, coach and this was during the highest and lowest of her years at that point she was suicidal. But at the same point she was earning the right to go to state cross-country skiing competitively. That got wrapped in her wanting to please Rosie the coach. There was also something in that this was the time that the parents were fighting the most, the father had gotten depressed and ended up in the hospital being suicidal and when he got out it was announced that they were getting a divorce – my mother and father. About this time one more part was created that was Jesse. Jesse represented that free part that went on to school and later went on to Norway in and sort of was like our ambition and disregard of everything that happened in our past life.

At the time Anne-Marie was still getting hit and kicked that was one of the things she told Dr. Marvin the first session was of my mother breaking her foot because she had kicked Anne-Marie so hard. I think she sort of left. Although it was uncomfortable, because she knew that if the mother had heard that she would've gone crazier than she already had been. I think it's a point of pride for Anne-Marie though that she could hurt the mother back without having done anything to her.

We just got ourselves another cup of coffee and remembered that were going have to go into the doctor's office that we have to be there 2:30 pm. It's about 9:30 AM right now. The doctor's office had called for a follow-up on our needing some kind of biopsy. We explained we didn't have the insurance anymore and that we weren't sure if we were on Medicaid, yet. I think they're going to bill us personally but they said that they would finish this mandatory meeting and then after that we would have to find somebody else. I think that if the test proved positive that we did need to have further surgery that we might take it back University of Illinois would still have to check ourselves with Dr. Albright and she would be arranging someone to do the surgery. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I know that we were bleeding in December and March. And they said that if it hadn't regulated itself by now that we are going to need to have a hysterectomy. It'll either happen one way or the other. Who knows?

So that means that about 1 PM I should be taking my shower. We just looked it up again. I think the biopsy is called endometrial biopsy, but I'm not sure I go at the time that we had hyperplasia. I had to look this up though, because I didn't remember and the reason that they were looking at that was to rule out further complications such as cancer. Okay that's about as much as I want to say about that. I think we did tell Dr. Marvin that we were going in for today but it was kind of a just informative thing. It might've had some affect. This week though as far as how we were doing emotionally.

We got a call from rich. Last night, but it seemed late. We had brought the phone into the bedroom and were watching the show but had fallen asleep and then after he called we turned off the light and turn the TV down real low and went to bed was kind of up and down. He said that he had. They had just gotten there somewhere in there, they would've had to eat and he said they were going fishing. At the crack of dawn, whenever that is. I think he's happy and that's important he really does work hard to get these points of rest. He would tell you that he's actually working but I don't go with that flow.

I know my honey bunny loves me. That's about all that is important in there.\I am having trouble being more or less beside myself. We keep moving and stretching and yawning. I can't seem to find a comfortable position. I feel like there' is a lot of things to talk about, but we just can't get to the bottom of it.

My dad loved that name. He called his dog, Buford.  We just saw a news article on a town named Buford.  This particular town has a population of one and is basically a trading post and a gas station. Maybe a small house with a garage and that is about it. I think its 10 miles big. It was purchased by a Vietnamese businessman who's not sure what is going to do if the town. I think it cost about $900,000 but thousand acres of land for $900,000. That's not necessarily bad either he said it was cold Wyoming figures. I just picked up the story because of the name Buford, my dad's name was Ludford. He teased that he never named one of his kids. That, but somehow I think you meant it.

Okay enough of the silly stuff. I am still having trouble getting comfortable. The cat is still meowing at me and I was trying to push her away. We don't want her to meow every time we go to speak it is just very irritating. I don't know what's going on in her mind know why she so upset with it. I want to eat something but I know I can't were holding the 275 pounds weight and defer going to get past that were going to have to not do. Snacking so far we've done pretty well but it's really hard now that were tired and down. I feel like going to bed for a while. I think I'm going to try that later…

We’re back again … we’ve been talking with Linda for about an hour, but she’s been on the phone with her mother for about 45 minutes.  Linda is writing in-between things.  We’re ok with that because we’re not working at a much faster pace.  Her stepfather had acute transient attack or ischemic.  She is still talking to her Mom … she naturally is quite upset.    This is the real stuff and although she complains enough about medical stuff … she called this one right.  Good she was paying attention.  It’s a warning by reason. 

      We’re just going over parental ages … Ray the stepfather is 86, Mrs. Garvey was like 82 and Rich’s mom is like 83 and my mom is 72.  Definitely she’s the younger of the bunch.  She has mobility issues because of having a stroke before.  Mrs. Garvey the one out of the four mentioned looked the healthiest.  Rich’s mom looks very old and uncared for … lots of bruising and scabbing … no real flesh on her bones. 

Maury talked to me after Thom went back and he mentioned that Thom had also asked that I be conscious of the weight.  I think the kids all worry about it because it puts me in an unhealthy situation.  I know that all of them want me to hang around.  I have to watch the time now, it is about 1:45 PM … Ok, we got dressed and are still talking to Linda … this time about people driving and when do they get too old and such.  Rich and I don’t get along with me driving … he has TOO many complaints and it makes me hyper attentive and then I DO have problems.  Last time … just stopped the car got out … and made him take over.  I VERY rarely complain about his driving except the amount of time he will wait in turning on the windshield wipers AND how close he will get to the driver in front of him without turning to the next lane to pass.  AND one more he has trouble moving over to let the next guy ONTO the expressway … AND one more … too much attention to the computer while driving.  WOW!  I had a lotta complaints didn’t I?

Saturday, April 14, 2012 8:39 AM

Good morning. This is me again. Okay, no surprise there is about 8:40 AM and I've been up for about 40 min. I'm edgy and tired and not feeling my best self. I wish I could feel happier with that I was doing something more worthwhile. But I'm just staggering by. We did talk to Linda for a little bit last night, but then soon watch TV, we had a drink, and we didn't go downstairs to get the phone so we missed riches call. I'm sure is not going to be happy about that. But by that time we were already undressed and too tired to manage the stairs. There'd also been simply be left over from the procedure so we weren't doing so well physically.

The doctor’s appointment was hard in that for one somebody was touching her private area. And that's never good. The second part was that the procedure itself was very uncomfortable. We had the endometriosis biopsy, and we had to do the Pap smear. The pap smear was nothing in comparison to the other. He says that he's going to do the procedure three times and that each time it's going to feel like cramping and that each time we would have to go through it for at least 10 seconds. So that was in total 30 seconds of hard pain. I guess I don't have to belabor that any longer. There was bleeding at the end, but I should've expected that is normal. I just forgot about that part it's all a startling to see blood.

I think I told Linda. And I did a shorter version of that to Rich in e-mail. I'm hoping that he turns on his computer to see what I might've. Usually though he's pretty tired at night and if not fixing his polls and reels. He's pretty much gone straight to bed. The results of the test will come in within 3 to 5 days. At that point, the doctor, Dr. Lin will call and let us know if I still have hyperplasia or not. If I don't have it I won't have to do anything for a year until it's time to be tested again. If I do have it, it means that I will have a hysterectomy within the month. He understood that I was going to Vietnam in August and so I would want it done as soon as possible if that was to be the case.

We will have to see how that all goes.  I am hoping that I will get the call before Thursday, so I have a chance to talk to Dr. Marvin about it one way or the other.

Last night was really a tiresome night. I wish I could change up the news as to saying that I did something productive for I felt like doing school work. That would be a nice change of pace. I'm wearing about my class now in the grades. I know that I'm more than acceptable limit of time for handing in Thursday's assignment. And I didn't get the two days of comments in. I keep yawning and stretching trying to wake myself up but it just seems like were going nowhere. I'm just not motivated. I did end up paying $300 of the $850 bill. Plus I paid a little bit more into the last bill which only $20.30 was remaining. The doctor said that they would not get rid of me as a client because I was going from insurance to public aid, although the office manager said I would have to find another doctor. So I don't know which has the most reliable information. I am hoping it's the doctor because truth be told I would rather stay where I matched and having all this information photo over to UIC and have to get used to a whole new perspective on this problem.

I don't know what rich is going to say when I tell him I put so much money down, but I thought it had to be substantial. I was given a lot of problem in getting the procedure completed. Of course I had to tell them right away about the insurance and then there was notes in my folder and the office administrator that I talk to wasn't there and so the lady went back to the doctor and they suggested that because of the cost that I come back in a month or two after I threatened Medicaid but that wasn't satisfactory to me because we'd already been bleeding just last month, and I didn't want to put off because I didn't have enough money. It was just too much time spent worrying about what was going to happen next. By way of figuring it was that I am sure I going to have April spend down and so it doesn't matter whether I pay the doctor or if I pay Medicaid one where another I was going to have to be out money so I figured might as well have it this way. I don't know if that messes with the arrangements that rich was making with Medicaid. I'm just not used not being able to get what I want one. I wanted how I wanted, in that respect. I was pretty spoiled with having insurance, although I was paying five or $600 a month for it.

Moving on…

We just poured ourselves a second cup of coffee that has to be some progress on the day right?

I don't know what else to write about although I would like to try thinking through the situation with Dr. Marvin again because that had been so important to our week. The once or twice that we got a chance to look at Dr. Marvin, we felt that we were swooning. It didn't happen when Jesse was looking at him, but in between when Anne-Marie was out and probably Anniemi. I know we have gone through crushes with Dr. Marvin before and we have similar crush on Anderson Cooper. There was once this week while we are watching his nighttime show and we just started giggling and giggling with him. It was on the ridiculous list. He is just one of the most adorable people we've ever wanted to meet. Given the choice between Anderson and Dr. Marvin, I'm pretty sure we would take Dr. Marvin, but – Anderson is a pretty good substitute in-between times.

We've got to get over our school girl crush well I know it is Anne-Marie and she has some right to go through whatever she's going to go through. It's just that we see the writing on the wall and we are pretty darn sure that Dr. Marvin is quaint all of a sudden flip over to want to be a 16-year-old interest wrapped in a 52-year-old body. Beside that we have to keep going back to the part that Dr. Marvin has integrity. He would never rule in the client patient relationship we have with him is very much the professional, which probably makes even that much more fun to think of him as a crush okay you've got us there. He is the safest person we know.

I think that when Dr. Marvin starts working with Anne-Marie she feels very shy of him. She hides either under her hands or facing the corner or facing the floor. I know we've written this part before but it seems like this is the first part we get stuck on after dealing with the part where she's got the crush. I think that Dr. Marvin must be the biggest temptress because he is so nice and pleasant and good-humored and smart and everything in between. I think anybody would have a hard time not falling in love with him.

We don't really have access to the conversation that they were having. This is the most frustrating part of our week other than those things that were trying to avoid like school and being the domestic goddess that Rich wants us to be. If we stop thinking about where Anne-Marie and Dr. Marvin were at then we have to go back to thinking about the other although the perspective we have at this moment is that the Michael back to bed instead, maybe that is the easy way out. I should go downstairs and get the phone from the car to but I'm not ready for that. We still are yawning and stretching trying to wake ourselves up training at the physical stamina to sit up straight and are chaired to get our mind in the right direction. There's so much to do. I don't know which one to start first and I don't want to start anything at all.

I suppose it is feared than to leave Dr. Marvin in the point of view that we don't really have anything to say on that direction. We weren't really included too much all I redo remember something. Anne-Marie was going a little crazy with the thought of us talking all at the same time. I don't know if we realize that we are doing that to her, not but it would seem to make sense as to all the effort she goes to be perfectly quiet and still not having all these thoughts presented insider her head. Perhaps in a normal person this would just be thought of as thinking, but because the thoughts don't come from Anne-Marie there more like our voices to her. One way or another we have to agree to that we not be processing all of our thoughts at the same time she is trying to think we think were helping because we asked questions and try to answer for her but it's not helping because the thoughts archers I know that we know that it is just another hard thing to adjust to. There are always rules coming at us from one direction or another.

We are back again. I don't know where we've been, except for we have been scanning it wills news and such. It is now about 10 AM. We are very hungry but know that we can't have anything to eat for another hour and a half. It's basically the new rules that we've settled on over the last dozen or pounds so lost. This morning we checked in at 274.8 which is a much under 275 but the fact is that it is under 275 especially for what we ate yesterday he wasn't really out of the normal except for we had the strawberry banana smoothie and that was like 410 calories. So I feel grateful that we did lose something. I think we were just at the 275 mark. I feel very restless. I don't know what to do anything besides what I'm supposed to do. We just poured ourselves another cup of coffee and are backing off another excuse to sit here for a while. I am such a louse. I would so much rather just go back to bed I wouldn't have to think or do anything it be that's the answer name going to lay down for a while.

Sunday, April 15, 2012 1:52 PM.

Good afternoon. This is me, and it's midday Sunday. Hopefully racial be home within about 5 to 7 hours. I will be so happy to see him come through the door and now I don't have to be embarrassed either because we did pick up. I don't think we could have done this without Linda's help she kind of gave me the other side of not letting Maury come by because the house was picked up enough. So the way it worked out was that I was IMing with Linda and then she got a phone call or two and so while waiting for her. I started picking up and before you knew it the whole house was clean and I was dressed and everything was ready to go and Maury did get to stop by. He just left now.

We gave him a little bundle of stuff in that rich had brought home, with him some extra stuff from his last job and it had meant to go to Maury and his family. There were two small e-readers. And for headphones that could hold MP3 downloads. There's no promise that they're going to work or continue to work but be that as they may. It was Maury's and being that Maury is the way he is he's always appreciative. We also remembered well Maury was here that the girls had written and asked to be supported for their cancer walk and so we went in the bedroom and we had enough money to give Maury $120 for the walk and it was up to him whether he wanted to split it $30 between the four of them or if you wanted to go 40-40 for Nikki and him and 20 for each of the two girls. Maury teased about going $10 for everyone and $90 for him but I didn't think that was going to happen so well. I know he was teasing me. He said he probably go 30 All the Way around. Good Maury. I know it's a hard lesson for the kids. But it's also hard lesson for the parents too to have an extra hundred and $20 in the pocket and not be able to spend it on themselves but Maury is going the right direction is giving it towards the cancer foundation for breast cancer and he's doing the walk with him and his family. I'm very proud of him and for that I want to donate.

Maurice visits are always good visits. We did do a little talking about jasmines birthday coming up and we went over a few things I'm still unsure is what I want to do there in an ideal situation I would ring her to with her mother and sister to a fabric store, better pickups a few colors and then make a big for her but I'm not sure if I'm able to do all that I would also put in the bag a $20 bill but just not sure how that's going happen. I've got about a month to figure it out though. I suppose if I told Linda. Then she would try to get me to do it the right way just not sure about that.

Maury listen to me a little bit as far as my complaints I hadn't been doing very much over the last four days have gotten my school caught up. I housework and gotten behind everything was from me. I was just watching TV. And he seemed understand. I don't think anybody likes it but it's important for me to know that he knows that happens in that I'm not just a perfect person or nothing. Far be it for Maury to call me perfect.*Giggling* that's a good sign. At least. I'm giggling again.

It seems pretty humid outside right now, although it's very windy. The day is kind of overcast and I'm not sure whether I should turn on the fan to produce some cooler air. Maybe it was mistake opening the curtains but it sure does a lot for my spirits with some bright a light in.

This was Maury's first week that was a full week of work. Poor kid is like me would rather not be working and spending the time - otherwise, with family. He still young man though he's got plenty of years left to go. We talked a little bit about our financial situation. When we were dealing with the money for the cancer and we told him that I thought because I was making less money. I should have to put in less money but rich is holding me to paying half of everything and Maury said he usually tends to think with Rich. I suppose. It just doesn't leave too much extra left over a flame riches. Keeping things controlled enough so he knows where the money is because I sure don't know I just know I'm not supposed to spend money this other deal was okay, though. Rich had already reminded me. There was money on the counter for this cancer fund through the kids.

I'm really glad he understood that because it was important for me. We talked to Maury about candy striping at a local hospital something that I had done for volunteerism I was a kid. It didn't seem like he was too interested but I was proud that he was doing other things for the kids like he's got. Jasmine in art class now, and I think it's over at the park district for at least six weeks. It's a good thing for her. I hope it adds to her sense of determination to get things done and completed. I wouldn’t want to tell her about how determined I get some times. I'd probably be a terrible role model. Anything that the Maury and Nikki do for the girls, I just in am enthralled with.

There were some other bad parts of the conversation and that since we hadn't talked since. Maury had left for vacation then the funeral of his grandmother; we hadn't gotten a chance to really talk about that. We talked about the funeral along with the wake and the other services. I don't think Maury really likes the priest because he was hard to understand and he wasn't happy that as oldest grandson, I just think he would've liked to done more for the service. The other part was the way the family handle the money situation and the will pretty much it seemed like a free-for-all with the Garvey immediate children which meant my ex and his siblings Maury thought that the grandmother had about $3 million plus I believe she has on top of that the houses to and then other things like vehicles. From the sounds of it so the only body that received anything was the six kids; which means that each of them got at least $500,000 plus much more. Things were very shortchanged. As to the grandchildren and that they didn't even get a moment. Oh from one of the homes Maury I hope to at least get a car out of the deal because she has extra 67 passenger vans which would've been very nice for his family, but the children took those two, and nobody was getting anything from them. There was a full huge bookshelf full of books mostly on the Civil War and Maury's father took out four books and said okay that's enough so that so Maury got is for books and I'm not sure if you didn't have to split those with his brothers.

In the meantime Maury my ex retired. She died on Friday and by Saturday he had his house on the market and they were buying a new house and he was through with work. I can't blame him and that I think is like four years older than me and I didn't want to work either and I suppose if somebody gave me a half-million dollars. That would be great incentive not to work but I do hold him at fault for not giving the kids at least 10 or $20,000 each as some kind of symbol of this money now. As far as the will was written up; if anything was to happen to the original son or daughter that it would go to their spouse and then it would get evenly distributed to their kids and since Maury is part of a blended family. The three of Jackie's kids will get as much is my three sons. If both of a more to die. That would've been a hard thing to avoid but because the family was so stringent and not giving the grandchildren anything at all, while accepting such big gifts for them. It's really a terrible situation for the grandchildren and will build animosity between the families. It was also hard that Maury knew if anything happened to his father that his stepmother would get all the money and he would not have any money. So if she chose to take the money and for example change the will to give to her three children and not Maury and his brothers that they could be out of any kind of inheritance whatsoever.

There's not too much else I want to say about that matter although I think that Maury while probably mad is probably at this point more hurt than mad it just doesn't seem like such a good situation and I'm embarrassed for the father I am just really horrified with what he decided to do.

AHA!  I made the call.  I called Nikki and asked her if she and Jasmine or anyone else around would like to go to the quilt store we saw in Barrington – you know the one with the Amish women?  That really was my favorite and it’s only 35 Minutes from Nikki and Maury’s place (22 miles).  It’s not too extravagant.  I left the message on Nikki’s phone, but it might have been her business number that’s always confusing.  I hope she takes up the offer … it would really be nice to have a girls day out and maybe stop like you and me did for a soup and sandwich.  Sweet!  We’d have to watch the cost but it would be a new tradition for the next year for birthday’s for the girls.  Jasmine was the first for the quilt and now we’re up to the next year … Maury brought up the idea of the purse, so maybe we could do that … Just one at a time – and hopefully made out of fat quarters so the girls could have a variety.  Wouldn’t it be fun!

I went into the sewing room to get the coke and felt that familiar tugging of my strings to be sewing, but it’s been so long I don’t know if I could.  We have some Saturday Sampler fabrics cut … just be a couple of squares.  Surely I would remember how to do it again, right?  I don’t even feel like a quilter anymore … and now you are all talking about getting together in May …. Not sure what I think of all that.  I’m so lame.  Ok, ok … none of that negative stuff.  Wouldn’t Rich be so proud?!!  And, Linda?!!!!  Shhh.  Getting a little too excited.  Maybe we should just walk in there for five minutes and see how it goes.  BRB.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012 11:26 AM

Excerpt from Linda’s note.

We weighed in this morning with Rich.  It was the 5th week marker which means we’re 25% done and so far we’ve lost 14.5 pounds – we weighed in this morning at 272.2 – OFFICIAL weigh in day.  It also means we’re losing an average of 2.9 pounds a week.  Last week was the only week we went up and we know it was tied to jelly beans, marshmallow and chocolate bunnies.  Hmm, thinking that wasn’t such a good deal.  We’re on schedule for losing 57.6 pounds by the time we go, but no one is thinking this is going to be easy.  We’re thinking that we’re going to have to start walking or biking pretty soon.  Poor Rich isnt’ doing as well and he DOES get a lot of exercise.  He started at 284.4 and went down as much as 5.4, but this morning checked in at 281, meaning he’s only lost 3.4 pounds or an average of less than a pound a week.  I feel really badly for him.  I think it’s his eating style he doesn’t eat breakfast and then adds an extra sandwich at lunch and then eats 2-3 times more dinner than we do.  We appreciably have the smaller stomach due to the surgery, but we can’t convince he’s still eating too much.  We’re now almost 9 pounds ahead of him although we started more than 2.5 pounds heavier.  I don’t want him to get discouraged because we both need to do this together.  He’s talking more about walking, but I’m not sure if the amount I could walk would really add to his exercise.  I mean he stands and moves all the time with fishing and umping.  I just don’t know what else besides overeating he is doing.  It really seems unfair especially considering what a couch potato we are.  Even at that if Annemarie wasn’t on board, we wouldn’t be able to do what we’re doing.  She gets a lot of credit.

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