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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Monday, July 9, 2012

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Good morning,

At least I think it is a good morning. I have been trying to get through with the school whatever it takes to get my grade registered from the first course. I sent out the following letter this morning.

Please Dr. Knowles and Catherine,

I feel desperate here. I know Dr. Knowles that you sent in the grades

on February 7th and Catherine I've waited very patiently as you stated

it might take a couple weeks. But, my grade for the Adult Theory

courses still hasn't been registered. Dr. Knowles I've tried to follow

up as much as I can. I talked to Catherine as a special request to

assist me in staying where I need to be with the school. So twice a

week we've been following up with what is happening in getting this

grade registered. It is still not registered - at least it still states

on my dashboard that I have 0 credits and that I failed the class. I

did very well with the class, I need both of your help to resolve this

issue. Catherine says that I should ask you Dr. Knowles to contact the

university again and let her know what happens .. I know Dr. Knowles

that you've already done this, but I don't know what to do other than

to ask could you follow-up on it again to assure things went through?

I'm not sure why you should call Catherine other than you being called

by Catherine and I don't understand not being given another resource to

contact as far as making this happen. It is my understanding that the

registrar doesn't talk to students, and I'm not being given another

reference number other than the two of you. Please help me before

something happens to my financial aid. I'm afraid Dr. Knowles that

Catherine states she's been in contact with the registrar and believes

that the next action must come from you. I feel very badly for imposing

this on you again, but could you please follow-up through the registrar

and Catherine ... whatever you send to the registrar please also send

to Catherine. This is something that matters greatly to me.

Thank you very much

Ann M. Garvey

I don't know what else has to happen to make this work for me. I feel that it is unfair because I did for eight weeks’ worth of course in eight weeks before that eight weeks before that and still not being registered except for under the first two attempts to fail. Catherine is telling me that it is all my responsibility, but I'm in contact with her, and I have been in contact with Prof. and I've been following up twice a week. She states she has been in contact with the registrar but I don't know if that's happened more than once or twice her information doesn't seem very new. And I've been told that the students cannot call the registrar's office direct, but I'm thinking I have to go over some buddies head. I just don't know how to do that yet. If I don't get a response in the next several days possibly by next Monday then I will try to connect to somebody higher than Catherine when I am contacting at the school switchboard, and I might try going through Dr. Hargiss to see if there's anything she can do. I don't want to put either Catherine or Dr. Knowles in that position but I'm very frustrated. I can't afford to lose the course. I don't know if it wouldn't cause me to fail at the school or fail with student financial aid, but both those options are not acceptable.

Boy, it sure doesn't feel good to start off with such negativity in the morning. It doesn't make it much better also that I woke up later than I would've wanted. The cats finally got me up at about 6:30 AM. I found there was a pretty deep scratch about 1 inch long on my left forearm. I can't say I remember getting it but I'm pretty sure I know who did it. I've been kind of stumbly. I had some leftover dinner from last night that was left over from the night before. And, certainly we got ourselves another cup of coffee.  We left the TV on very low last night because it bothered us to go to bed without hearing something in the background.  Usually, we have rich to go into in our bedroom and so without that, it makes it feel lonely. I do have to pat myself on the back that we got to bed.  In the past, we would have never made it past the couch.

The next thing I did after writing the note and checking my e-mails and Facebook, and by Facebook I mean slightly, I just check the message section, I did not check the home section, was to go to the mind jet. It has moved a few things around on me. I don't have the mental stamina enough to deal with that yet. It seems to have moved some of the work from areas of focus responsibility to the task summary area. I am not sure if some of the things that disappeared from the summary area went fairly, or just disappeared. I noticed that the AAQ entry I had marked as the fifth one is now missing. I will have to go back over and figure out as far as which ones I'm considering task it seems to be adjusting the task once I'll have to look again to find out if there's anything missing also from the other task mentioned the previously – again, this too much for me right now.

I feel like I had drunk the night before but I know I had not – there's no real alcohol in the house beside some margarita mix that I know I didn't taste. There have been a lot of yawns too. I would like to say that I got a note from Duyen. She said that she and Thom are real busy. Tom is doing very well in school and received A's in his statistic course. Duyen has been doing school also and has been looking very hard for job. She seems to have gotten something in an ATT store, but she only has 13 hours which is not enough for her. And so now she's doing very well in the interviewing process of getting a new job possibly at a bank. I hope she does well I just worry about her getting too much to be doing. I would hate to see her lose her efforts at school just for job.

I think she's more worried about working than anybody else. You know how much I would like to see invested in the school. I was also afraid because she said something about Tom drinking alcohol to help him get through his life and that worries me a lot especially because alcoholism runs so rampantly in both Garvey and Ludford families. I think that my daughter-in-law was smart to say something to us. It is not that we can do much about it except recognize it, and try to assist when possible. We really do have to wait for an opening to do that. Right now we are not really in too much contact with Thom. It feels like just knowing he's there is enough, and that much more contact would be overwhelming.

I didn't hear from rich this morning, but I'm sure that he was up busy very early. He did call last night. I had first come home from Dr. Marvin's and had eaten dinner. Then that a few minutes after 7 PM I went to Facebook to see if Linda was there. After a few minutes she signed on, but she had Internet problems and I did not have the endurance to stay with it. I had to lie down on the couch and fell asleep until rich called. Apparently he did not get a chance to go fishing. I think he got in about 5 PM. He talked about there not being very many good restaurants in town but there were a lot of people. It sounds like there are houses all around the lake. He seemed pretty relaxed all told. He was sitting towards the back of the motel where the lake was and talked about there being a dock so that they could actually pull up to the hotel and go to the bathroom in their own room. That's a lot better than trying to find a tree in a crowded area. *Laughing*

Oh Lordy, I think I might have not only the yawn problem, but I also seem to have a few hiccups. That can't be good.  This time while writing, by the way, I am working directly in Word and I am trying to be better at correcting mistakes as I go, because yesterday was a lot of time spent fixing errors afterward.

Okay going back to rich now. It sounds like he and Ron had a good trip and that the conversations were easy and comfortable. Ron then rich gets along very well. Rich says that Ron invited us to his 50th wedding anniversary; I think it is June 15. And, riches mom appears to have invited us for St. Patrick's Day dinner I believe on March 18. He says that Andrew one of her grandchildren will be there also. I know he loves to cook, but I don't know if she's serving him, or if he is serving her, or if they are working together. I believe she is having corned beef which sounds about par for the course. It has been a while since I've been at their house. It just seems or so much other things to be doing, but I know that's not fair to rich.

I seem to have lost my train of thought again. I needed to take a break from him to fill up coffee and other. I don't know if I everything I needed to say anything else about riches call. I guess for now we should just move on.

We saw Dr. Marvin last night. That seems to have worked out pretty well. I remember telling Linda last night in the briefest of messages that we had adult parts out with Dr. Marvin most of the session. There was some rocking at the beginning while we were waiting for him to read the paper, but other than that we did very well. That is, if staying in adult mode, is the whole deal. The first 15 min. of the session were about catching up and doing things like taking care of medicine and pharmacy needs with the new Walgreens program. The next 15 to 20 minutes was with Dr. Marvin reading the transcript from yesterday. There was about 10 to 15 min. talking about the material we had just gone through with him in reading the transcript. And then there was a definite 15 min. The time, I remember looking at the clock where we specifically about what it going on last week with younger parts. It took us a few minutes to go back to remembering that sex had been talked about on cue from Dr. Marvin. We couldn't remember what the stories were but we knew that there had been incidences of things being remembered the week previous and that we felt we should be going back to that, so lightly. Dr. Marvin brought back one memory in that he said Barbie dolls and those had had sex. That was about enough to overwhelm my senses, so we didn't really go into any depth with that except for to acknowledge that it had happened – only that we could remember saying those words.

It is hard to figure out what to do with that next, but I think we were talking to Dr. Marvin, or he was talking to us primarily about doing that kind of conversation where we could step into them and out of them without losing too much time. It is very threatening to the system that we could get lost in those kinds of thoughts. I think he was staging that we might do it, and I think we interpreted the word "safely."  I had the sense that we had really never gone into too much depth with the child experiences of sexuality. It seems that we have gotten to this point before where we were thinking about it, but life always seems to derail those thoughts.

Well, we are back again. We seem to have had some trouble in getting around Dragon. Sometimes he can be a testy beast. We tested inserting of responses in case Linda signs on. We don't have that magical clue yet on how to get things to respond in the write a reply box, but sooner or later we will figure it out. It sounds like Linda must be having a busy day because her friends husband is going in the hospital for surgery, but we don't know what that's all about right now. I'm glad that Linda's friend has someone to go sit with during the surgery. I hope it's not long or complicated or dangerous. The nicer still would be if it was routine surgery and it's just in and out.

I think, we somehow also avoided because we were starting to talk about Dr. Marvin thoughts, and was getting a lot to be processing. I don't know where to go with that. Maybe it's time to move on? I hate to leave it so vacant though. Okay where were we at? You have the general time frame. The medicine part and general catch-up was necessary, but never as much fun as getting into things that I want to talk about. We enjoyed very much watching Dr. Marvin go through the good morning note that we had left from yesterday. We won't have him do that often but we needed him to see what our new system had been and how we were trying to organize our thoughts. It was a major paradigm switch. He didn't say anything about us being too overwhelmed with the new system, though I'm sure that is on the back of his mind somewhere. I think there is some magic involved when we come in several sessions with the problem, which we had been trying to organize, and inputting things down on paper, and then coming up with a system to take care of just that. It speaks to the endurance of the multiple systems. I hope I left a better impression than not with the Dragon. We seem to be doing it more productively today and that were watching over what we are saying instead of just blindly talking into it, so some of the edits are getting done while we are talking. We had to do something because yesterday the amount of time in edits was just astronomical. It would be great if Dr. Marvin got the program and he could help us learn more about it. You just have to imagine that he's a very quick learner.

One of the nicest things about Dr. Marvin reading beside he is picking up information very quickly and very accurately as to our ability to translate what is happening in our minds, is that we get an opportunity when he's reading to watch his face. I cannot believe how well we do and transcribing the thoughts we believe he's having. Not as much as what he's thinking, but that he is appreciating what he's reading in some aspect or another. I think we live for the times when his eyes curl up just slightly and that his mouth switches over to a slight wavering smile. He's not overly obvious, but I suppose after so many years we can read some of the things that are affecting his emotions. Plus we love to please him so when he smiles it's very encouraging to us.  Okay that's almost a mushy part about us and him. It's a little too sensual and that we talked about his mouth at the same general time span as we are talking about Barbie dolls and sexuality – if you want to flood someone system that would be about how you would do it.

*Pause* we had to have slight break there, in that all of a sudden we needed a desperate ice cream sandwich. I would suppose that meant that it was overwhelming someone who eats ice cream sandwiches in our system possibly, and that it could possibly be me. Just want to check in too. It is about 9 AM, so we might be thinking that we should be moving on, although certainly, we are not ready for that yet. We are just barely stumbling through our Dr. Marvin thoughts. Seems to be that we are having as many thoughts as we are trying to avoid – I don't think you can appreciate enough how difficult this is to think and write through.

Dr. Marvin seems to be thinking that in general, we are ready for this new phase, which is my terminology and not his. We don't have his exact words or thoughts; I do know that we talked about were memory and memory processes that we have. I think he said something about us not being able to bring things to recall, and we talked about the dissociative processes and associative processes, and I think he said like we don't associate like most people in that one thought leads directly back to another and another, we seem to spend a lot of time switching to avoid one thought from the next, perhaps that is what is happening here as I try to write one coherent set of thoughts. I don't know any other way to process life, so I can say it's more complicated than anybody else goes through with their own difficulties, but it does get frustrating in that we are trying to think of one specific thing and our mind is doing everything to avoid it. In a –

That was very funny. The other Linda called a minute ago, and she said, "So to you know what today is?"  I was like shoot it's Wednesday right?  And, she said that it was Sadie Hawkins Day. And, I didn't know if that was, so she explained that this is the day that women ask men to do things like go to a dance, or get married, or all that – and that it only happens once every four years, so this must be something for leap year. We told her we would let rich know and I was sure that he was can appreciate her good advice. We discussed briefly how much more relaxed he might be now that he's into good fishing time already this spring, so we might be able to spring this other news on him. *Laughing*.

Okay, trying not to avoid the real discussion. Let's go back patiently. Somewhere in this conversation we did discuss with Dr. Marvin also our grades, and we talked about that being very confirming in that when we were able to give it our full attention that we got such a good grade. The last course was 100%. Okay, we are still having problems with lost five points, but 5 pounds of out of 1000 is still 100% which is terrific. I know that intellectually, but perhaps not emotionally. It allowed us to have another little conversation on becoming a doctoral student and that now we are two courses done with 34 which is 6% of our school life. The only other way to stay in learning is for us to become an educator, and I suppose that's what I am going to be doing. I think in one way or another Linda tried to pin us down to what are we going to do when we grow up – not exactly but so to speak. It's now getting to be a pattern where we explain the people we are not going to grow-up for a long time. We are going to keep going to school until we go bust. Our way of thinking is that if we can handle the emotional overload, just how cool would it be to keep getting 100’s one time after another time after another time. I think intellectually speaking we might have that in us.

Okay trying to get back to Dr. Marvin thoughts we are as darned confused as what is going on in our brain as anything. I remember having thought that before this part where we tried to write about Dr. Marvin, was like the old days we used to write in our blogs. I think in talking to Dr. Marvin that got good reviews – that is, doing the blogs over again. We both know that I need some kind of system, and I have to do with our memory, and we are needing to trace back thoughts we are having because everything seems so lost after we speak it or think it. I have the sense that we are going to be going through something totally new, but I know that we've tried doing this before and we've never gone all the way through.

Now Dr. Marvin seems to think that we're in the right position to do so. We talked a little bit about where St. Rose had left us … Mostly we were so overwhelmed with the system of what was going on there that we had little chance to do something that was psychologically much more sound for us. Dr. Marvin is very good in helping us get through those feelings of shame or whatever it is that makes you feel that so many years were wasted. I think I came up to the conclusion; that if I had not of have those thoughts and experiences, I would not be able to do what we did. And, it somehow set the structure or scaffolding for maybe what is to come, so that would be a good thing. I think it is in the little ways that our brain used to process things especially things that were difficult for us on an emotional level with all of sister's ups and downs.

I know that the work itself became very discouraging, because so much of it was doing work that had no meaning for sister, so while she was giving us one assignment, she was thinking that we should be doing something else, and the time constraints it put us through  became too impossible to work with - like knowing that we had CARF to work on and then giving us very time constricting things like three groups of circles during the time we should've been working with the other. Okay, that is way too much on this. We are going to drop again St. Rose business that like a hot potato.

We’re back! We were talking to Linda for about 40 to 45 min. She says that the surgery for her friend’s husband is just outpatient which is good. And then, she had a lot to say about the vacation. So it sounds like she will be back around 4 PM. So we will look for her then, and we will look for her again about 7 PM. I hope her day is very meaningful.

I think our thoughts are so far gone. I found myself drifting while waiting for Linda to type. It's just that I didn't know where to go while waiting for her to introduce the next points of her conversation. When it comes to vacation time, it's a lot more just reporting of what's going on, not so interactive. It sounds like she's going to have a good time. She's worrying about her mother-in-law, and whether she'll be able to travel with them around the city, or if she will need to stay home, hopefully she'll get out one way or the other. I know it is hard for Linda to not have plans and that the extra variables like her mother-in-law being hurt. It is difficult to handle and it would be for anyone. No one gets enough vacations so that you want them not to be as wonderful as you could dream them to be.

By now we are about 11 pages but double-spaced pages done and we had stopped to read what we had written. When we don't edit in between times, the volume of work just gets to be too much at the end. The writing and the editing have to be balanced. I also can't help that today we seem to be very tired. We had enough sleep last night, so I'm not sure what the problem is there. I can't say enough how much the doctor appointment seems to have affected us, or maybe it is all the work on software that we have been doing over the last several days. Or who knows it could be anything.

I think also that our brain tries to avoid, so now what we should probably be moving onto the next thing, we find ourselves still holding back because it feels like we don't have everything down that we need to put down for this exact moment in time.

Okay, we will try this one more time. We were with Dr. Marvin. We had a reasonably good time. We got through the business at hand with the prescriptions and general lead-in to the session and then we went through the processes we been under for the last 4 to 5 days. Then there was a little bit of coming out of that, and then, we seem to have the time necessary to go back to the session from last week. This is the 15 min. that seems to be giving me a real feeling of being in the middle of an obstacle course. I suppose if I was being a real nice part, I would just let it go. So I have to ask myself, why is there that push? Why can't we know what was happening? Most likely it's some kind of defense mechanism. Moreover, what Dr. Marvin had been talking about as to not being able to associate thoughts, and how dissociative our mind is? This is nothing new right? We've been dissociative since before the sky was blue. We still get frustrated with it. Because we think that our thoughts are being blocked from us. We would really like to know what they were. How'd we get over something that we don't know? This could be a problem. We don't even know what it is that is there, so how do we know when we're getting over it or not.

I didn't really mean to be talking just about the frustration, that's all you've really gotten so far. Have you ever had to sit with the block between one part of your brain and the other? It literally feels like a great big cold concrete block has been put down in the middle of my brain, primarily in the four head region. I'm thinking now, what is it that I have to know? I know things are safe. And that no matter what happened in the past, I'm okay here in the present. Dr. Marvin said that we would work with a system of being closer to the top of things, so we can come back and forth with less stress. We both know I have to be able to walk out of that office at the end of the session. That seems to be something that's very ingrained in our brain.

So what is the next question, let's think. There seems to be a little bit of question about Dr. Marvin. I mean I think that sounds like the stupidest thing in the world because we've learned to trust Dr. Marvin over a very long period of 13 years. Why should we be questioning his judgment now? Is that judgment? Or, is that abilities? Or, is it something else? I know we talk something about building a structure. I think that was more on my thoughts than his, although he seemed to understand what I was saying. I remember one of the books I had read where they had a safe almost like a clubhouse where parts would do their transitioning. It seemed that there was always some question as far as it being a middle ground to converse with the individual parts and their therapist before opening and shutting the door to this other side. I don't want to make a system more complicated than it really is. Perhaps, there is something in a visualization that would make it feels safer, a little bit more distance from the real problems. I think were afraid to find out what's really there. There's this part of us that would like to believe that nothing is there.

I can hear some part in the background of my brain saying, come on just get over it! Like so what? What is it that you want me to get over? By now I'm raising my voice, and we are sounding a little bit more excitable. Help me set the stage here. What is it that you want me to be doing exactly? That seems interesting, in the past when we wanted an answer, all we had to do was ask a question and then wait. And someone would respond back to us. Is it like that now? Okay, let's assume it is. What question do I want to ask? Okay, thinking here very hard again. It seems obvious that somebody needs our help. Can we have a name of which part needs our help exactly? Kelsey seems to be the first name that comes up. Okay, what does Kelsey need? Seems she needs to get back on schedule. I think she wants to do transcribing because that's the part that keeps coming back into our head as something that is not being done. It does surely feel like we are trying to avoid the subject.

This is very interesting. What happens if some of the problems that we have of doing things on schedule, or being in a position to help our parts was really about our inability to be responsible - and for doing that next thing without so much hesitation. Thinking here again of David Allen and his suggestion for being in the present as much as possible.  That is why we are writing so many things now at this point of time.   Allen said that we need to leave our thoughts questions anything that's going on in her mind in some safe place like through writing, so we can let it go and move on to other things we want to see. We want to get to the part of the flow directly in front of us because that's where we can fairly interact. Would that seem very logical? So, possibly could this wall of frustration where we don't feel we're getting to the bottom of things – could this be a brain shelter for doing something responsible? What is it that we’re afraid this could happen there? Maybe we are going to have to do this kind of a middle ground where we write, think, do responsibilities, all the time at the same time. Could we do that? We would have to test this out. It's now 11:11 AM, if we went to our mind map where would we be? Why don't we open that up?

It seems the goals and objectives time schedule which we are supposed to be following, states that we were supposed to wake up, and have coffee, and go to the computer. That part seems to be done. We were supposed to handle the dashboard a little bit, but it seems past that for the present, t because we feel too much behind. And also, we could consider this part of the regular session with the program and just attach this document to the other. We do seem to have some difficulty in letting it go. Letting go of things that are safer, like hiding in our brain and actually doing something physical like transcribing, because that would take us into responsibility land. But what happens then what happens if we are responsible? Is something going to happen to make that a bad situation? I don't know we might need to trust our next set of thoughts. I want to just check one more time if it's really Kelsey, and if it's really Kelsey wanting to do the transcribing work. Let me just take a second. Okay, I think that's good she did say something about leaving the windows open so we could get back to the writing when and if necessary. So the next part is going to be about setting up Windows. First thing we need to do is minimize this window. Then there were three parts that we had to get out. We need the Dragon first, and she started right now. The next thing we need it was the transcription program. Okay that part of our situation is called express scribe probe and we don't need the part up with the other dictation names so were going to say those are done. Okay now we're doing the part where it's supposed to be loading … we just then have to plug in the foot pedal, and then open a new Word document, and then push the pedal down and type, right?  Yes … we can do this too!  For now bye!

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