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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It's not really too much about the dragon, BUT he's cute!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012 at 7:22 PM

(Spoiler below . . . . . . .)

Good evening, it's just me. Oh dear … It seems by talking on the Dragon that I've set up my kitty ... how did this happen? We try not to put up too much with her meowing. Seems like something irritates her when talking on the Dragon and being out on the balcony. You'd think after 13 years we would've gotten used to each other, but Dragon still is new.

It is already evening obviously since we stated it was 7:22 PM, and Rich is gone for most of the night.  His card group got together a week later this month. Usually this means, he's out till about midnight. I think that he met Bob and they were going to drive over together from Linda’s place. It should give him good company although with Bob he might end up staying later than he might have originally. We’re hoping he is going to have a good time and let go of some of those worries.

We watched a little bit of Anderson Cooper earlier about dinner time and we are now listening to him in the background on CNN, or at least hearing the sound of his voice, but without the words because it is so low in volume. We feel a little bit wound-up and our eating is off. We've already had some peanut butter bread and an ice cream sandwich and it is not even 9 PM yet. I'm also having a hard time getting comfortable as to heat and cold. At first we were cold and so covered up with a blanket and then put on warmer pajamas, but then we got hot so we took things off. At this point I’m at the hot stage. I feel like my cheeks are just burning and I'm not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the leveling out our eating. Rich has gotten a little bit frustrated with me in the last couple days because I've been eating more, and he's making a good point that we had bought some very expensive Herbalife products, and it doesn't do any good if were not following the program. We just feeling a little bit unsettled.

I believe the last time we wrote was a couple days ago on Monday when we were going over our memories on the session a week ago yesterday. We've read the entry over several times, and we e-mailed the link to Dr. Marvin who read the article before our session yesterday. I don't think there was too much said directly about it although it seemed that he was emphasizing that we could take things at our own pace. I don't know if he read something from the entry that made him a little bit more cautious on this point. It was just something that stood out in our mind. It was pretty intense-full that he read the entry before the session, because it would have taken up some of his other business time and we had noted in the headline that it was 17 pages long. We don't have him read very many of our blogs now days, but that particular one seemed of particular importance.

I have to try and think now a little bit about what the session was about yesterday and how this all was integrated into the conversation. The main session was more of a younger part Anna being out. It seemed that when we walked into the session, the first thing that happened is that we found ourselves back in the bedroom from where the flashback had started last week. This time it seemed more of a confirmation that our father wasn't going to get into the room. I think there were some blank spaces in between things, but in general, there was complexity as to the father not being able to enter the room. Dr. Marvin decided right away that we should have some kind of a lock that we could put on the door. The part who was out questioned if there is a lock on the door - if we were going to be able to get out of the room if we needed to, but Dr. Marvin emphasized that the lock was on our side and that we could open it when we wanted to come out.

There seemed to be some confusion over what kind of lock was going to be placed on the door. I think the locks that he was first suggested were too complicated for Anna. The one she seemed to accept was a board that would slide over the door like from ancient history-ago. She seemed to grasp the visual image of a big wooden bar slid over the door. I am trying to think now how that ended. I think she said that she was tired and wanted to go. I think Anna was still the one that stayed out after word, but she wasn't in the room anymore, her old bedroom.

It seemed like the biggest problem that the younger part was having was her thinking that she had to focus her thoughts on the door to maintain safety. She was listening hyper-intensely for sounds. And then she was listening on the top of the stairs outside the bedroom for sounds downstairs and people going down to the basement. She talked to Dr. Marvin about the parties that her parents used to have where there would be drinking and loud noises. She talked about some of the male neighbors teasing that they were going to come up and get us. We weren't sure what they were going to do when they got us, but we were pretty sure that we didn't want anything to do with that. One of our neighbors left us particularly fearful. I remember him watching us as we helped him hammer shingles to his roof. We were still young but we were very aware that he was watching us and it just felt dirty. Nothing ever happened, but he was making sexual innuendos that were very uncomfortable especially for just being a kid.

There was one very uncomfortable scene that was discussed with Dr. Marvin with being more in the present. The event involved her mother.


I decided we better add a spoiler here. It's been a long time since we've added spoilers as mentioned in the last entry, but I'm appreciative that placing myself out amongst other multiples that these kind of things make a difference.

The part that was uncomfortable with the mother had to do with our hand being in her vaginal hair. I don't know if we had just gotten close enough so … it seems like there was some situation where our hand was close, but then we are sensing our hand being inside that mass and not knowing what to do because of negative feelings. It is extremely uncomfortable for us. I don't know whether it has anything to do with reality, I would hope not, but it is something that has come up in our minds since we had the actual flashback. I don't know how our little parts knew about her hand being on the private parts unless they had experienced it. I think the startling part was thinking of it in a nappy manner that was very prickly. That's about as much as I want to do with that thought.   I apologize for putting it down, but it was part of our experience at the session last week. It did have something to do with being in our parents' bedroom. Being in the bedroom most often reminded us that they had the only air-conditioned room in the house and that sometimes we would sleep in there to cool ourselves. I remember being in there with people and without people, and sometimes we are on the bed and sometimes we are on the ground. It seems like it was forever that only this room was air-conditioned. Later as a child maybe about the 10 or 12 year mark my father got central air-conditioning and that seemed to help the stress a lot. But there were many years where it was just expected that we had to go to that room.

We need to bring our head way far away from that space. One of the things Anna experienced with Dr. Marvin yesterday was that after she had come out of the space where she was in the bedroom and she was back in the office she had a hard time looking at Dr. Marvin which was an old problem that we haven't had for quite a while. Basically, Anna stares at objects near or close to the floor.

We placed the video of Dr. Marvin's office at the bottom of the blog between the two Diigo additions. This video was made in 2006 when we were having such problems looking at Dr. Marvin. It shows his office and us staring at the corner of his left chair where he was told about the fairies living inside the arm. When we had taken the pictures for the video we started at a comfortable space of focusing on the wall and the plants, and then slowly moving over so we were looking at his feet and then moving the camera up and discovering that he was smiling. Those kinds of experiences were very overwhelming and I believe we went several years without looking at him directly. I know at one point we got a picture of Dr. Marvin so we could see what his face look like. It was so warm and inviting that it gave us the courage to start peeking.  I just remember that it was a long time of him working with us trying to get us to look up with lots of resistance. He never pressured, but it seemed like a direction that was important to him.  

He asked questions about her looking at him last night, and he asked what would happen if she looked at him, and she talked about that he was an adult and she wasn't supposed to look at adults. I think there was something about if she looked at him someone would throw burning hot water at her eyes. I would like to think those kind of negatives are more from her imagination than reality, but then even as an adult we heard our father threatening that if we told his new wife a secret, that he had been smoking, that he would cut off the younger part's wrist. So I can't be sure that it was suggested as real or not. Dr. Marvin emphasized that at his office it was safe for everyone to talk and that she could look at whatever she wanted. I think he emphasized that although he was an adult he wasn't that kind of adult. I think that point might've confused her more than anything, but we'll have to see how goes over time.

I don't know what else I could remember from yesterday. I know that Anna was out almost the whole time if not all the time.  There was more of a sense of older parts watching her in the bedroom that in Dr. Marvin's office.  Maybe at that time, we could give her a little bit more space because she was being in a good relationship to Dr. Marvin.  Now it seems that being left more alone with him from an adult standpoint would be a good indicator or more trust of him through us.  Being in relationship to anyone still involves some risk, even if the other is Dr. Marvin.

There's something I'm remembering now in that before Dr. Marvin's appointment, we stopped at dunking donuts and got a low-fat blueberry muffin. It was hard because the customer in front of us had ordered some kind of an iced coffee drink and the person serving him was the only one there and he was being incredibly slow. It seemed like we were waiting for ever. Just about the time the other guy was getting his money back, another girl came out and served us, but we were frustrated that she took so long to realize how slow the guy was being and by that time there was a line in back of us adding more pressure to the situation. We were trying to remember this time that it cost $1.47 for the muffin. It sounds a matter of how many quarters we would have to bring. Days like yesterday, there weren't any spare dollars in our container. And I'm glad we looked because we had to give the parking person the extra two dollars and that was all in quarters. We had the first $6 in bills - just it cost $8 because we must have ran a few moments late.  There was still change in our blue pouch, but I'm not sure how many quarters are left. I remember being just a small kid and having to worry about quarters on the way to Snyder’s drug store to get malts and shakes.  And, I remember sometimes my father sending us up there to get him a butterscotch malt, but if we went up there then we could get treated to one too. It was probably three blocks and two-thirds of that was through a weeded empty field. Seemed okay - that was one of the fields we played as kids.

Okay by now we are way off. What were we talking about?

I think we were about to close-up our thoughts on the visit to Dr. Marvin, at least the thoughts we could have directly about being in his office.  It did seem strange that Anna was out because she is out so infrequently. After the session had gotten over, we weren't quite sure who had been out because there and we were asking for a verification.  We were teasing the younger parts; we are saying that maybe this was a new part and we started asking if she would like to be named one thing, and then another thing, and another. After the third or fourth name, Anna said, “My name is Anna!” After that there was no question or doubt in our mind. It does seem there's a lot of hiding from the younger parts. Maybe we should say that globally, I suppose we all tend to hide.

We had to take a short break because when we looked at the date, we realize that it would today was my mother's birthday. We called her and left a happy birthday message, but then she called back. She had stated that just as I called my sister had called seconds before so she was on the phone with her. My mother then talked about some of the things that were going on for her. When she couldn't think of anything more to talk about then she got quiet for second and then she thought well what is going on for you? It is a big deal if she remembers to ask about you, so I said well pretty good - we been busy.  Those were the only words we got to use, and then she went back to talking about how busy she had been and she dominated the conversation again, and so we just let it go and worked on getting out of the conversation as soon as we could.  I think it was a respectful 20 min. or so.  It is part of the problem talking to someone who is most likely a narcissist.  It was one of those calls where we just listened politely. She didn't say anything about my sister other than she had called. We didn't ask any questions about that.

After Dr. Marvin's appointment yesterday, we drove home. I am not sure whether this time or whether it was sometime last week that Rich asked us to stop for bread. I think it was further back. Maybe then we got home without any troubles. I do remember now that we called Rich on the way home to tell him we were going to be there which is usually an indicator to have the dinner ready. Oh I remember. Rich said that dinner wasn't going to be until 6 PM and it was only 5:35 PM, so he said we might as well keep driving because we were pushing too much for dinner and not being appreciative of the cook. Somehow we interpreted this as telling us we should run away, but we didn't really want to run away, so we just stayed down in the parking lot until 6 PM, and then we called again and asked him if we could come up now. He wanted to know where we were and then said that we should come up stairs and that dinner would be in just a few moments. I'm glad he didn't worry about this too much. I suppose he is well-used to our oddities by now. It does remind me that we had just talked to Dr. Marvin about running away when we were small. We talked about the one time we had run away with my brother and sister in protest of something that had happened and we had gone across one of the empty fields and it was dark. There was an ominous feeling of being out after dark without our parents and we remember Connie Sue crying, and so we had to come home, and I thought that was Scott's desire as well, but I remember being so mad that I was the last one who wanted to go home. And, we also recalled for Dr. Marvin a time when we had been upstairs, and found that my mother had packed a suitcase for my brother and that seemed to have worried me a great bit. He was only in kindergarten or first grade. I think he got over whatever he was mad about. But both times my parents had taken the attitude of fine go run. I'm guessing they knew we wouldn't be gone long.  I don't know if they could've understood how much trauma that causes when your parents really don't seem to care if you run away.

Now that I think of it I ran away a couple other times there was the time that my mother came home and they were choosing between my mother and father about who got to stay there who had to leave, but that the divorce was certain. I don't want to get into that story now, but the small part of it was that my father was going to let her stay one more night after having found another male, and after my father having been put into the psychiatric ward for his depression.  That whole night was unbearable for us and we ran away.  We were 17 and we ended up sleeping on the high school hockey field three miles away from home. And then there was one more time probably when we were about 15 years old, when we left and went to Colleen Mercer's house for the night. At the time, we weren't going back for sure.  We might've stayed a day or two, but I think that got old with my parents. I don't know if Colleen's parents cared. At that time it was a strange relationship because Colleen's mother and father smoked pot and we had not known anybody like that - certainly not a parent. Colleen was an old friend who we used to cross country ski and play baseball and volleyball with. I know she went into the Army, but I don't know what happened after that.

Originally, I think Rich was supposed to go out last night, but I think he stayed at home. He was going to move his boat to the fix-it place because something was wrong with his trolling motor and then he was going to stop at his Mom's, but I think she was being too crabby.  Now we're trying to remember what happened last night. I think Rich went to bed, and then we followed soon after.  Thinking we must have been on the computer because we we're thinking we were just too tired to type/edit anymore.  I am not sure whether that was was one of those nights where I lay down the right way or the wrong way on the bed and if Rich was still watching TV or reading, or if he would have wanted his back massaged to help us sleep. I just don't recall.

This morning we woke up before he did and I think we went to the computer right away. I don't know if we brought in the coffee or if he did.  Sometimes the mornings and evenings get confused if not much is going on. I don't remember what we did today. I remember moving some pictures around on the blog. We might have gone down the multiples’ Twitter feed from the TweetDeck a couple times. I do remember that we went through some of the Google searches we have collected to see if there was any blogs written by multiples. That seems to have taken quite a bit of time. Nice -  still might have about 900 to go through.  We've been saving since December of 2010, not knowing exactly what we would do with the searches, but that they were important to us. We checked about 300 of the emails. I think we found about 15 or 16 more people.

I wish we could say why it's so important for us to be collecting blogs with multiples. I don't know why directly, although one of the other parts might have a better idea. To me it seems like were just developing this world and this world is where we want to be most of the time and that our interests lie in being here.

I remember something else that happened today. One of the times when we had gotten mail we discovered that Dr. Marvin had sent us four e-mails. After reading the e-mails and taking care of them we sent him a note back saying that everything was all well, and we asked them later if he knew somebody that we had read about online who had wrote a book on a multiple case he had handled.  It turned out the guy lives in Oak Park where we used to live and works at University of Illinois Psychiatry Department which is where Dr. Marvin works. We figure that they must know each other, but we thought we should ask.

What was in the e-mails was a response to our question of whether Dr. Marvin could send us the e-mails we mailed him from 1999 to 2003 before we started our first blog. He could only collect the e-mails from April 2001 to December 2003. The rest seem to be gone. I hope that we have some yellow legal pads of that time period, but we might just be stuck with having lost those memories. What we did with them was to place them as new blog entries in a new blog called Ann's private years. It has been many years since we have looked at that material, but there were things in it like direct conversations with Rich through the AIM IMs and there were other love letter type notes we had sent to him with copies going to Dr. Marvin. We read a few at random and found that we were too sad and lonely and miserable waiting for Rich to be around so much that it was unbearable now - Maybe at a later time. He didn't live with us until 2007.  The whole thing was saved in the original format utilizing different scripts and colors, and at the very end, we started using pictures.  Ann's Private Years was locked from being viewed by the public, and then we placed a link on our regular blog, just we can read it. It's a step. We also asked Dr. Marvin about contacting Dr. Woollcott for his records of the year 1990-1997, but will wait till Thursday to find out what happens next there. Dr. Marvin might just want us to talk to Dr. Woollcott I'm not sure.

Aha!  We just sent this note to both Drs. Woollcott and Marvin…

Dr. Woollcott,

Hi this is just us.  I was wondering if there might be a passage where we can get the written material you have saved from our sessions, that is if you are still in possession of them.  No pressure.  We have a very nice collection growing of these documents and we now have a scanner so we can place them on the computer with the other written work.  We would use the material in our ongoing sessions with Dr. Marvin.  This is very important for me and we seem to have time available to us.  I left St. Rose Center ending November, 2011 and by June 30, 2012 the center closed.  Rich had hung in there until the end.  Sr.'s didn't really give a reason, but most likely the center was worth more to them dead than alive.  Sister Theresa left within a few weeks of us having left.  We were angry at her to a high degree and didn't like her replacement.  She was cold and untrustworthy.

I went on disability, but had started back on my Master's program.  This week I am dropping the program again for a while.  I'm not sure if they will let me pick-it-up again later or how it will turn out with finances.  Between Rich and me we are very low on money, but I agreed to help him develop contacts for his independent business of securing work for sheltered workshops.  We are still in the Brookfield apartment.  Mostly, we are doing a lot of writing and am fascinated with the material we had been studying on e-learning, technology and design - WITH social media.  I will continue that work alongside the interest of dissociation.  I would like to do something with the dissociative community, but I'm not sure what.  I would like to have online courses, just not sure of my options.  Just that my option to be in the multiples' community takes more time than I could afford giving to papers/homework.  If we could have worked it out, we would have stayed, but just too big a division in the parts.  I know you have talked about not being able to steer the ship for long.  This is pretty much how it goes in general.  

I love writing - and somehow that effort has lasted throughout everything else.  The blog I've been using since the book was published is Feel free to look at it is you would like.  It is open.  You know though that I write enormously long entries.  I have linked in the sidebar the blogs of about 115 multiples that I have found online, and we are connected to about that many through Twitter.  We are using TweetDeck and have feeds for things such as multiples, psychology, e-learning, social media, technology, news, trauma/abuse survivors and writers.  Those are our primary interests now.   The boys are all happily married and I have five grandchildren between the ages of 5 - 13.  Maury is a Comcast tech and Joe is in Karate and does gymnastics training.  Thom is still the super-star.  He's a Marine now stationed in intelligence at the Pentagon... WHOOHOO!  How is Chris?  How are Mrs. Woollcott and her mother? How are YOU!??? 

Always our love,
Ann and all

Good good. We sent that off. It is about 10:30 PM and I expect Rich home within the next couple hours. I'm trying to save some time for editing. I'm not ready to stop writing.

I am trying to think now what else is important to put down. I am really happy about writing to Dr. Woollcott. I owe so much to him. I don't remember a lot of the why's and how's, but I just know I owe so much to him. He took us in when we were in dire need of help and had been abandoned by the Garvey family. The whole situation with Dr. Woollcott and him having to deal with so many of the younger parts just astounds me now that I'm thinking about it. I am guessing that Dr. Marvin would have liked to get into some of the work with younger parts, but he's always assisting us with focusing on adult parts so there's not much I can do about that. But now, maybe the time has come that we are going to be able to work on some of the younger issues and see how they are affecting some of the older things we are still having problems doing. One thing I know for sure is that a lot of the multiples that I have met so far have had trouble with being steady on their feet because they don't have the solid basis of trusting someone like we do Dr. Marvin and Dr. Woollcott. Just have to keep working on things from our own vantage point. I think we owe the community some of our good fortune.

Better get a move on it though or I'll never post before Rich comes home.  Let’s mark this up as a so-so day.  Nothing special, or bad or good … just so-so.


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