Monday, August 13, 2012 at 3:56 AM
Good morning. This is us and we are doing it the old fashioned way. This means we are typing with our hands instead of Dragon. It 3:56 AM and we’ve called Comcast our service provider and they say that the system is down in our area and they expect it to be back up by around 6:00 AM. This is lousy news as far as we’re concerned. But, we’ve typed before Hehehe. There is nothing wrong with it, just that we are not as productive. Plus there is a little tension in the house because someone’s kitties are thinking since we’re already up; we might as well start breakfast earlier. We’re not for that idea at all.
Not sure if we should go back to bed or wait-up the hour or so it takes to start up the Internet system. Usually, Comcast is pretty good, but those few times that it doesn’t “take” then you remember it as if it were yesterday. But, we’re not quite up to the part we are cursing them for all the problems of humanity. We can do this, right?
We still have up on the screen the picture of our main web site and if we don’t bother it … it gives us the “appearance” that we still have Internet. We’ve been careful not to jar that screen. It is very tempting to push SOMEthing … but we can do this, right? Just have to focus on something else for the time being. I suppose we can write a little bit about yesterday. Just there isn’t a whole lot to be said.
We left about 3:15 PM for a 4:00 PM dinner. I think we were ready almost. I remember telling Rich we’ve got just three more paragraphs to edit and that he could wait that long. ESPECIALLY, because he wasn’t being clear on the time to walk-out the door. I can’t emphasize that enough. If you can’t tell me there is a specific time you want to leave, then don’t be telling me when it is ME holding us up. I think sometimes Rich forgets. He gets to thinking that the time he is ready to walk out the door then everyone else should be ready too. We’ve long held the stance of just … tell me in advance when we’re going to leave, and then we’ll be ready. I’m pretty darn good at it too. Maybe because of all these years of our psychology appointment, we’ve learned to be more prompt? Work? Nah, we’ve been off-schedule with that. It was more like give us a window and we’ll get there whenever. I really dislike being late, just work made us so cranky. Ok, better not get into that.
We decided after a few minutes of bad mojo that we should take another look at the Dr. Marvin picture. Yes, that’s about how we roll. Just whatever it takes to calm our system down.
Rich was real good yesterday in letting us read to him in the car – and we’d gone through the edits enough to be “good enough.” Not book publishable, but pretty good. I think that is about where we can read it and know there are at least 4-5 errors, but we can live with them because they don’t change the context of our thoughts.
We were a little whiney before we started, because Rich hadn’t given us a happy face when we started so we doubted the sincerity that he really wanted to listen. I know that reading is reading and is only cracked up to be so many stars, but after you’ve written for a while, you want a little bit more positivity. I think it was just that Rich was on the cranky side yesterday. Maybe we better pause here a moment to cover that.
We had found that Rich was in a cranky mood MOST of the day. It started within seconds of him waking up … we knew that it would be a problem that we had stayed up all night. To us … it’s not a great practice, because then we miss the early morning writing like now that we like so much. But, for Rich he went as far as to say that we ruined his entire day. He said this before the day was half way over. It is our thought that if you are predicting that you are going to have a lousy day, AND you are blaming someone else, then you are not really doing your job to make the day go by better. If I were in Dr. Marvin’s office, he would understand that you cannot be responsible for another deciding that he was going to have a bad day. That to me implies a really bad sense of guilt/shame. Basically, the message you are sending out to the other is that … Unless you follow my direction, BOTH of us are going to have a terrible day – and, by the way … we’re going to make sure you know that too.
Most days Rich is ok with my writing. I think for one he knows that it is what we do, and because we’re doing it, he can come in and out as he pleases. If Ann is busy writing, then she won’t care so much for what I want to do. That seems to be a good deal, because it leaves him a lot of options and he doesn’t have to feel bad because he is doing what he wants to do. I wish I were perfect in this, but we’re not … just 9 times out of 10 we’re ok with being on our own a lot, and it is ESPECIALLY, because we have the writing and the reading options.
Going back to yesterday, Rich had thought that we’d ruined his day because he figured that we would be crabby. On our behalf, we figured that we owed it to him NOT to change his mood to negative because we had been the one to be working after hours. I think that it must be a writer’s thing that we sometimes keep poorer hours, but when you are into writing and it is hitting some kind of groove, then you don’t want to discontinue just because the clock turned that magic hour. I figure that there is very little that we do that is actually “wrong.” So, we shouldn’t be grouched upon because we are sitting responsibly in our chair doing what it is that we feel we were put on Earth to do.
Wow! Are our defenses up a little this morning? Maybe it is not such a good idea to write about Rich’s crankiness? I don’t know … It’s just that it was like on top of our head so much of yesterday that it was really bothersome and we’re still feeling a little mad about it. We are back to I believe the world falling to pieces because I haven’t regulated myself to doing the domestic parts. I don’t believe the house is falling apart, because things are pretty much picked up and we’re always a vacuum or a sweep away from things being good. I still don’t dust … ok, are we talking about a problem that has been like there for a gazillion years? Dust and me are like … hey if you don’t bother me, then I’m not going to bother you. If you ever find yourself wondering how I do it all … just think … oh yeah … the woman doesn’t dust!
Rich had the day off yesterday and because he didn’t do any work- work … then he felt ancy and when Rich is ancy then he’s going to be doing some kind of moving around. Yesterday he vacuumed. Ok, true enough that if I had vacuumed he wouldn’t have thought that would be necessary. Ok, maybe we are belaboring a point here … but, my thinking is that if you can’t wait for me to do something than fine, by all means go ahead and do it, but I don’t want to hear how you HAVE to do something. Nobody needs to meet your expectations if you can’t do the standards yourself. We just don’t have his priorities. We are in fact lucky that he does have priorities, in that some things work in our behalf. It works that he doesn’t mind shopping and cooking for example. But, if you ask him on a bad day, then it’s like – don’t you see all that you are putting on me. On a bad day … I would be like fine … I won’t eat, or fine … let me shop at Peapod (grocery delivery place), but those things aren’t good for him. In all truth they are not good for me either, like seriously … I am NOT going to eat? We could go back to the argument that I’m going to get by with a lot less for a longer period than Rich … so we’re like ok, unless we’re out of coffee or toilet paper … I don’t want to hear about it. BUT, if we have tea and Kleenex … then I’m still not going to consider it an emergency! HMPF. MAN-OH-MAN … can we say that Ann has ACTUALLY caught the crankiness vibe too?
Damn … I hate that when it happens. Maybe we better go back to being straighter forward. Let’s do what it takes to be in a good mood, k? No, the Internet is still not working *sigh* Ok, let’s not overdue the frustration here, hmm? So this is what you getting off on tangents is for? Just a quicker release of energy – positive OR negative?
What is it safe to say about yesterday with Rich?
For the benefit of doubt, he did listen to me read. There were a few problems with that though too. The first thing was that he picked up a call from Bob while we were reading out loud, and then it didn’t seem to bother him that that call had gone on and on. That was another source of argument. And, then we told him that we weren’t going to get out of the car until we finished. That made him crankier. It was just that it was 12 minutes to us being there so I figured we had time. Yes, SOME things we can plan according to time.
The next thing was that after we did finish reading it was that he didn’t want to give us any comment or discussion about what we’d talked about. Basically, he took a stance that that was everything from our perspective, and so that it didn’t matter because it was ours and the insinuation was that he didn’t see things the same way so he wasn’t going to discuss the matter, but then after he got to the restaurant he picked, and we were waiting at the bar for the others, an quick argument shot out that he didn’t want to “suddenly” after all these years be written about where people could be reading about him.
It was like ok, where is this coming from. Has it been a secret that he gets written about? Like hadn’t we already published a book? We’re been writing since 1990 – and then real seriously by 2003 But, then we put up some healthy-size barriers … basically, we weren’t going to go anywhere with these thoughts, because it was obvious to us that his crankiness was affecting all of his thoughts. At that time it was like … why are you being so cranky? What is going on in your mind? What is this REALLY about?
About then the waiter decided to seat us and so we went to the table and I excused ourselves to go to the washroom. Thought maybe he needs some breathing space? And, then somewhere when we got back … it was like … can you hear yourself? Are you going to be like this when your friends get here? And, then he complained about the table setting, that they were late, and maybe we were at the wrong restaurant, etc. The last part got figured out about 15 minutes after. It turned out the other four were waiting at a different part of the bar that we were at … so EVERYbody was there on time, it was just that we couldn’t see each other. Fortunately, everyone had a drink so that helped, but in general the others were like in not the same headspace as Rich so nothing was a major problem. AND, Rich seemed to be in a better space when his friends got there.
Dinner was nice though one of the people talked a LOT. Yeeks, that part wasn’t so good, but she did have a lot of interesting things to say. It wasn’t then a deal breaker, just it was a complaint. Since we were too cowardly to say something out loud … there wasn’t much to be said about it. Hehehe – that’s a funny sentence. Ok, moving on … for the most part the evening was very enjoyable. We rarely get to be with these people. There was a lot of conversation about “the old days.” I think those kinds of things are a little hard for us, because they are all talking about something that had nothing to do with us. They were like to each other … do you know what happened to him, or her? I’m living 400 miles from home and that is what those kinds of conversations remind me of. And, because no one really works too hard to include you in - then it just feels awkwardly bruising.
What did come up in conversation was that one of the women asked about Rich’s ex and how she was doing. I think that’s kind of a low place to go after someone has been divorced for 5 years, but as stated, I really don’t know these people very well. I didn’t know how to keep up that conversation … so I figured that too was for the rest of the table. I think it was meant to put me in our place, but then maybe she was just curious. I think the last part that happened was just that nothing happened between them and me … like so many times or situations, no one thinks to ask how you are, or what are we doing or anything of that nature.
I must be coming from some really backward place, but for me if no one wants to check out where I am – I figure it was like where Rich was at prior to dinner while we were reading. It took almost the full amount of time – 30-40 minutes of driving to read the material. And, then when you get done, he says there is nothing to talk about. He’ll go as far as to say – as mentioned. Well, that is your perspective. At the restaurant, he said that that is why nobody wants to go out with us, is that they think I might write about them. To me … we’re cautious, but yes, I did just write about them. I don’t think it is extravagant, but, if I weren’t writing, I would be thinking about it. I’m more conscientious when I write than the free thoughts I might have when thinking, so it is always a much tamer experience. But, I didn’t think it was something that was really affecting people. But, if it was then I can stay back and Rich can have his dinner meetings on his own. It is just hurtful. As it was … I wasn’t asked about work or school … I figure they don’t know nor are they interested. We talked for a couple sentences about our sons … that was the area we connected most with, but it is rare for me to actually talk unless someone really appears interested. If no one makes a comment and diverts the conversation back to what was going on for them, I just figure that people want the opportunity to being out with others as a chance to do more talking than listening.
As an aside, it did come up in the conversation that it was difficult when people couldn’t talk because others were putting you in a role of listening, but that seemed not to have really been picked up either. So, dinner was as it was. As always, I’m glad to get back to home where I’m more comfortable being who I am – which means pretty much who we are between my thoughts and the words that are happening on the screen in front of me. My father had always told me the only friends I had were going to be the kind that I paid for – meaning I’m sure someone like Dr. Marvin. BUT, I think we’re a little down now so it’s probably not a good idea to threaten our relationship with Dr. Marvin.
Maybe we could do something now about getting rid of some of these feelings? I am not thinking there was too much of the day left. I don’t think we went back to the computer. I think it was about 7 pm when we got home, because we were here just here when the medicine alarm went off. We took our medicine without complaint and I think we then fell asleep lying down on the couch. Rich had decided we should go to bed. I think it was early still, but we didn’t offer him any complaint. We realized we had stayed up all night and by that time we were exhausted. We slept straight through until we started writing … and it is now 5:30 AM. Still no Internet.
Hey do you know what? We actually can use Dragon! I had been thinking that it was an Internet program, but it is actually on my computer so it's working and I am very excited. It'd taken me about an hour and a half to type four pages. Think should go a little bit more smoothly now. I did just call Comcast and they aren't giving the signal saying that the services out. But they had me go to the menu that says if you are having connection problems, and then it said that they were sending out a new signal and so that I had to wait 15 to 20 min. And then they told us that we could hang up the phone. So we will give it till 6 AM. And then we'll worry about that all over again. Hopefully, the service will just come on and everybody will be happier. They didn't say we owed money or anything so I think we should be okay. We had to pay two months last time because Rich had missed a bill, so I'm pretty sure that were caught up at this point.
It is really nice to have Dragon back!