Monday, August 6, 2012 at 4:36 PM
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Although this isn't the point where the triggering material begins I'm going to put a trigger alert here for anyone to stop if they are sensitive to things that shouldn't be talked about in front of small children, or your adult parts who might be more vulnerable. I can't remember the last time we had to put a spoiler in to something we're doing, but it feels like the right thing to do. Okay going back...
Good afternoon. It is a strange time for me to write, but
I'm trying to get to the part where we can tell about the flashback. I don't
mean to bring up so much suspense; it is just dogging me down. I guess this
next part though would be the part where we clear up some of the other things that
have been happening so we can focus on the other. To put things in perspective
we had problem with the flashbacks on Tuesday, so six days ago, and then
Wednesday we had jumped in to the blog pool with 2 feet – 2 feet with paddles.
Thursday we continued that work and went to see Dr. Marvin. Most of that
appointment was spent in tears. There were many references back to Tuesday, but
we were not up to talking about it there either. We just cried and cried hard,
hot tears. Part of the reason that that experience was so hard was that we were
spending most the time talking about giving up school. That is coming across that
this a major defeat to me. Other times we can be okay with the thought of all
we are going to be doing with the time, but the time is hard, because although it's
what we want to do, it's not bringing money into the family and I have to
depend more on Rich and that is something we avoided for 18 years.
With school, we were able to get 100’s on most of the
assignments, but we were not able to get to the assignments, start them, and
finish them, and move on. And, I had we are developing all these systems upon
systems of thoughts trying to get to a space that gives us great satisfaction.
We love the material that we are reading in school. But we had trouble disconnecting
from one written resource to another and being able to hold the information in
while an entire bevy of new stuff was coming in. We were also going through
other things. At the beginning of this particular course, we had gotten into
the tweeting. I won't blame it on that because it wouldn't be fair. But, the
more we learned and became interested in school the more need we saw in
developing a social presence for our many selves on the Internet. This led into
a lot of work that happened on the blog. You've already heard us talking about
the changes there and there have been many more since.
I keep walking further and further away from where I want to
go, but it seems it there so much catching up to do because I haven't really
written for several days. Just briefly then some of the changes the blog have
seen are that we redid the banner so it now includes our wordle, the title of
the blog, our picture, and Dr. Marvin. This was a big pressure release because
the other “three picture parts” were taking too much space so when looking at
the blog, you couldn't see the first entry because there were so many pictures
and such. It is still kind of a dark blog banner, but I needed the darker gray
of the title to balance against the background that our picture is taken. Dr.
Marvin, of course, always comes out as the bright star of our day.
We did add some more entries, but nothing major. We caught up a little bit with the girls’
weekend although it was light. I don't feel that it's fair to discuss all the
things that were on their mind because obviously it's their private business
and our private relationship with them. What I do with myself in my own
thoughts is a different matter. You know my tendency to talk and share a lot.
The next thing that was done with the blog was to add some pictures to lessen
some of the effect of all the words that we use in putting together our blog.
Quite sensibly than the first picture was the one from the multiple blog that
says blah blah blah. I couldn't of said it better myself. The next picture that
I love is the one with the bear on it and the bear is kind of frumpy, and she
is holding the pillows and says I want to play, but it is my bedtime. It's a
true reflection of what we feel to be us on the blog. The next picture is the
picture of us having a happyland day. This one is special because this is so
bright and colorful and fun and it helps to lighten my minds. And the last
picture added comes underneath the total page views which is at that this point
3,274, and the picture is of dog holding our book and he is saying it is
multiple personality day today. Have you hugged one or more? I don't recall now
the day that is really supposed to be multiple days, but I love the sentiment.
It's also something that comes at the end of the blog page and reminds me that
it's time to get soft and cuddly toward resting, or allow another part out, and
not be so mindful of all these little details running through my mind. I can
confess to being slightly OCD about it. I'm sorry.
The other big change was that we went through the Twitter
contacts and we added and subtracted more blogs from our blog roll and we are
now at about 100. I kind of hope it stays at this number of people. More will come obviously, but I think it's a
pretty stable block of neighbors. We are very serious about taking off blogs
that are not being used within the year – there is plenty of reading to do by
the blogs that are being used by their owners. I do find that I can go down the
whole list and when I'm home I can do it at least once a day - usually in the
morning. I might go back into some of the blogs that are 2 to 10 months old
just to catch up with what is out there, but I am really feeling good about
catching the blogs that are one week or less. I find that if I had written on
it last without the author coming back, that I can just let those blogs go, but
it allows me to catch up with authors that have written something back to me
and I feel really, really happy connecting to others. One of the things I did
as to adding bloggers to the roll was that I went through my Twitter contacts that
were multiples and I checked to see if they had any apparent blogs. I would
only take the ones that were still written within the year, by multiples, and
weren't too self-destructive or sexualized. I still don't take the blogs that
have warnings on them. It's nothing against those bloggers just that I don't
want to worry about permissions with anybody else that might be looking at my
blogroll. I think it’s kind of rejecting
when you find a blog and then the message goes up that only some people can
read it. I think bloggers do though have
a right to some privacy and I’ve written private blogs – even recently – so I’m
thinking life eventually balances itself out. I want us to be at least at a
comfort level that we can look at each other straight in the eye though for
this portion of our life.
I was glad that I got a real member to the blog this week.
She's only joined five other blogs and her blog is personal or private. I'm
okay with that and am happy to think that she might want to come back to our
blog. One thing for sure on our blog is that if somebody wants to think about
something, there are plenty of options.
I don't hear Rich getting ready for dinner yet, so I'm going
to keep going. It seems that he's been hard at work all day in the back. He did
say something about going to see his friend Doug at about 6:30 PM because Doug
is in town seeing his parents. I know that Rich doesn't get a chance to talk to
this friend often, so I'm glad that he is going. Maybe today he also contacted
Jack and his wife. We are supposed to go out with them for dinner next Sunday,
and he just wanted to make sure that everything was going through okay.
I also heard from Maury today, at least earlier. He had
thought he might get a chance to share lunch together, but he didn't call back
and so I'm thinking he just ran into a much busier day that he had planned.
It's already 5:00 PM and he didn't even leave a text message, so I know that he
was real busy. I hope that by this time the day, he's headed home and use
starting to relax and chill out.
I think we’re all caught up as far as the blog. We still
haven't worked on the weekend work of going through the library from
Diigo. We had started this last night,
but obviously we were much too tired after the trip. We’re determined that until
we put something down on paper about last Tuesday we’re not going to go further
on anything else, I think. We have said this before and have failed. Ouch that
word is being used twice already! We’re talking about the word fail – obviously
we are going to have to talk a lot more about school, but I don't want to think
into that too much. Maybe just a little bit at a time? Oh, we want to say
anything about that right now? I think it will be a good conversation for Dr.
Marvin, and I'm not sure, but I don't think were done talking to Rich about it
either. I feel good about letting the pressure go. And at this moment, I'm not
trying to belabor the part about not getting a degree. I believe for me education
is all about learning and that part will continue. I did want the degree so
that when I write things it comes as somebody with more subject and system authority.
But optimistically, after we go through some of the current trials it will come
again to us and we will try again another day.
Dr. Marvin talked a lot about the problems that we had on
Tuesday and the problems that we are dealing with on Thursday as being very
closely related. I don't remember all of his keywords that help pull those
thoughts together. He was just tempting us to think that one was directly
affecting the other. Now what was that word that he was using? Anyone? Oh I got
it thanks. The word he was using was anticipation. We were anticipating how
difficult the work was with school (and psychologically toward our childhood)
and so we never got past the point of putting away everything and just doing
the work. This has been our downfall, or maybe we should just say our setback.
That would be more optimistic, right? Speaking of - I think I'm just going to
go ahead and start telling the story of Tuesday because it's just getting to be
such a headache to hold back.
So what happened was we were set to go to Dr. Marvin's on
Tuesday, and we had been adding bloggers to our blog roll. We had been feeling
a little behind and so pressured because we weren't doing school on either
Monday or Tuesday or Sunday. I think we had intent to show Dr. Marvin what we
had been working on though with the blog and had tried to get it to a ready-point.
We were already proud of the blog. But then, while waiting for him to open his
door to start the session, we got very triggered by one of his coworkers - the
secretary that works for him. On her own, she is not a threatening person, but
she had taken a stance that was highly upsetting to us. We will have to figure
out this specific role and how it plays toward our mother, but when we come
into Dr. Marvin's office …
Within this section of the building behind one closed-door, there
is a large room with cubicles; probably about eight cubicles in the center and
then around those cubicles are the doors of people in actual offices. There are
doors leading to this set-back section for the graduate program. The cubicles appear to belong to mainly
secretaries or billing specialists. The major thing that happens in this office
is they do something with the graduate program for residents practicing in
psychiatry. Dr. Marvin is the director of that program, but when you look along
the left side of the section of walls where his door is, it doesn't seem any
different than any of the other 4-5 doors on that side. The difference is that
he has an extended office much bigger than any of the others in that area of
the building.
His internal office is an L-shape. And on the lower L part
is a small hall. On the right side there
are plants and a little statue and a picture, and on the left wall are a couple
tall horizontal file cabinets. At the end of the cabinets after the plant and
some space is his couch and we usually have sat on the far side closest to the windows.
Both this section where we meet to talk and the top of the L section which is
where his office desk, personal business files, printer, and bookshelves. On
one wall there is a white message board where he can diagram pictures for
people. Immediately across the couch and much closer than the office desk is a
rectangle coffee table with an ocean thing – hard and pointy next to the
Kleenex box. And on the other side of the coffee table are two matching chairs,
which also match the couch. The whole long wall has windows and there are windows
behind my couch and behind Dr. Marvin's desk opposite of each other. Dr. Marvin usually sits on the far chair when
we are talking … there is a picture of it located in our blog banner.
We have to now re-concentrate on the situation altogether
again. The time has lapsed to 6:00 PM and Rich has just gone out to be with his
friends. Doug came over to the house and he hasn't been here ever and this is one
of his best childhood friends. Doug just isn't in the area that often. So Doug
and Rich were going to go meet Bob at the Mexican place and have a couple
margaritas. No way do I want to do something with that group. It will be guy
talk. Rich says that Doug has a business lead for him. Rich tried to talk to me
about business today and I listened, and I've tried to be patient, but I wasn't
very patient. Rich wants me to do some things for his work which would be nice
maybe I talked about this earlier, but it won't be fun. Anything away from this
computer not doing what my minds wants to do isn't fun, but I can appreciate
that bills still have to be paid. Okay next subject.
It was kind of a fast shuffle. Rich said, "No he's not
coming up - he is going to meet me downstairs." Then as soon as he said
this, Doug called from downstairs and Rich asks, “Do you want to come up?” And, then it was a scurry – OH My Gosh, why
are you doing this to me? Most of the house was cleaned up but there was a pile
of clothes on the coffee table waiting to be steamed, and I didn't have
anything on - sort of like that. And our dinner dishes were still on the counter.
My sewing room wasn’t set-up proper because it was taken apart over the weekend,
and I had to rush to make the bed. All the time we had to make house
adjustments was the length of time it took Doug to walk-up three flights of
stairs. *ARGH* okay girls it’s okay they are gone.
Everyone that comes in takes a look at the statue on the
coffee table when they sit down. Doug was no exception. Rich had answered the
phone because Julian had called about the time we all sat down and Doug reached
out to test out the statue. It is a cat rolled over on his back and exhibiting
his belly. I told Doug the same thing I tell everyone else. It's for Rich and us
so that we could tell who has to give the massage. If I want Rich to give me it,
then we point the cat in his direction, and then if he wants the massage he
points the cat in our direction. Doug got that right away, but he's a little quirky
about it. So he turns the cat facing me and we were like no, oh no, I'm not
giving you know massage! And then he keeps edging it towards me while making
purring sounds. I guess this has to be a good friend Rich to get by with that.
But it had me giggling. I really don’t
know Doug very well. This was a very forward moment that was not overly
comfortable so the giggling was more nervous.
Okay, I have to slow down. Rich and I had Chinese food last
night and we had been talking before Doug was there. The TV was never turned on
today and it's kind of nice when it happens. I better get on with it though
because he said he was only going to be gone for one to 1 1/2 hours.
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Okay getting my feet wet again, we are back at Dr. Marvin's.
I'm sitting at the table at the end of the outer room which is about 7 to 8
feet from Dr. Marvin’s office door. Usually, this is quiet time and I just sit,
maybe check my electronics, or look around to see and hear what is happening
behind the cubicles. But this time, Dr. Marvin's secretary was in the next
office over and she comes out of her office and chats with the lady who makes
the copies. This got us aggravated because they are both in our waiting space
and we are petrified of people in-between ourselves and Dr. Marvin’s door that we
are staring at intently. We always feel
tension … just waiting for it to open. So
then the paper lady goes back into her office and for 5 min. - 5 min., believe
me I timed her, the secretary person stood outside her office staring at Dr.
Marvin’s door too. This had us incensed. We can't say anything but we feel
trapped and violated. We feel all kinds of negative emotions including panic.
We know this scenario because it's happened before. Basically the secretary is
waiting to talk to Dr. Marvin and although he is trained not to open that door
until exactly 4:30 PM when he lets us in, she ignores that it's my space and
she is going to intrude upon it. Basically, her goal is to jump to Dr. Marvin's
attention before he signals me it's okay to come in which feels REALLY in my
space.
Okay this shouldn't be the end of the world, but it pretty
much was. It took us about 35 to 45 seconds before we could even move after the
woman went away and Dr. Marvin had signaled us to come in. We were frozen in
our spot. The tension had built and by the time we got to the couch we were
livid, but scared – although, I think Dr. Marvin is really the safety. He
seemed to be in a good mood, but we were way past that. I can be pretty sure he can trace when we are
feeling off emotionally. I believe it was our Anniemi who was then stammering
her vocabulary and speaking sporadically. This continued for 10 min. while Dr.
Marvin tried to get to the bottom of it. He used to have a secretary that did
this kind of thing all the time, so it got approached all the time. We never
normalized to the behavior. Dr. Marvin tried to make sense of it and saying
things like do you think you weren't going to get your full hour? And we answered
slowly and cautiously as if we were watching snake eyes. We understand that if
he is 3 min. late that I get to have a session that will run 3 min. later, so
that wasn’t it. We went through this over and over again with Dr. Marvin trying
to nail it. He was better this time and thinking that it was something that we
could concentrate on and maybe get to the bottom of where sometimes he lets his
own frustration get in the way. Dr. Marvin really is in control of his
emotions, but this particular act has happened so many times with no solution
that it gets very frustrating. I think because Dr. Marvin had a psychiatry-win
with us last week, he was in better shape to take this particular trouble on.
He was more confident and insisting, though always in his gentle way.
I remember looking at the clock at 10 min. after thinking
this is taking too long. Why doesn't this emotion go away? Dr. Marvin did the
things psychiatrist do best; they asked those questions that get you to
remember or recall when this had happened - before when we had these kinds of
feelings. I don't know what the exact words he was using, but I think the
practice is called age regression; at least our age was regressing.
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It seems the first thing that we were recalling was that
there was a door, and we were standing in the crib, and we couldn't get past
the terror we were feeling while staring at that door. It took about 35 min.
for this next part to unfold, but the bottom line was that the fear was tied to
being petrified that my father would come in. There was another part who was
also a child talking to Dr. Marvin, but she wasn't the child in the crib. We
saw there were actually two children involved at the crib one being Crystal,
and the second one being Gracie. Our knowledge of those two is that Crystal
will flail in defending her body and Gracie becomes a piece of petrified wood.
And between the two of them they seem to have had to handle the situation with
my father. It scares me right now just saying the term “my father.” I don't
want to get involved in a space where my head starts to think of him as the
person that I knew who could be doing this. We have had over a very long period
of time remembered our maternal grandfather’s connection to our life, but we'd
only had worries that something could have happened between our father and us.
Connie sue said that he was schizophrenic, I'm not sure it's somewhere between
that and borderline personality disorder and we know he had major depression at
some point. But the fact of the matter was, he was in our bedroom. We just need to get these words out.
The part that took the longest amount of time was the
toddler, which may have been a very young Anniemi who was trying to prevent
what she knew was going to happen. Although it took some time to think it
through – of what was actually happening. Basically, what he was - he was the
snake in the grass! He had told me that long ago. He had thought we were the
snake in the grass, but it was him. What he appears to have done was to come
into our bedroom where my sister was sleeping and he would just stand inside
the bedroom behind the door. Crystal would be on guard. But some time or
another she would get tired and if he stood there long enough she would fall
asleep. He seemed to know that if our “on-guard” person laid down that he could
approach the part that was then lying down which would be the calmer Gracie.
Gracie can feel people touching her but she cannot move. We believe what the
father did was to stroke her genital area. And, we are thinking, she was locked into
position and she could not move or make sounds. Now she makes sounds with Rich,
but they are only a form of a whimper which gets louder and quicker if ignored,
or not otherwise consciously calmed by us.
But Gracie couldn’t avoid our father. We are thinking at this
point that what he was trying to do, for his own sexual fulfillment, was to
give the one and half-year-old orgasms. I don't have any technical information
to say whether children of this age really can have an orgasm, but that is our
thinking. We do remember being in the bathtub where we could float in the
bathtub, but we were small enough so that our legs wouldn't reach the opposite
ends meaning that we were still very small, and I remember giving ourselves an
orgasm although not knowing what that feeling was or why it was happening, but
we were doing this by rolling on a plastic ball. The thing about that
experience was that we have in our brain is that we can remember feeling good
in that area, trying to hold on to it, and having figured out that if we
pressure that part it would give us those sensations. I think we knew too the father’s intent to do
this and then become self-stimulated by it.
We also held that this was something to do without people
knowing what we were doing. So we must have known it was a wrong thing to do.
Somebody must have seen it and tried to stop it?? Or, at least been in a
position to do it? But I think at a very
early age after having been stimulated like that it had become something more
habitual. I believe at this point that my father knew how to stimulate Gracie.
I also believe this has to do a lot with our knowledge of Crystal that was most
likely - when he got to the point of giving Gracie an orgasm that would wake
Crystal. Crystal is like a bullet out of control or a bull banging against the
walls of his shoot. She would bounce
from the floor and up and around and swing at everything in her reach. Her goal,
I believe, is to push people away or maybe unconsciously to knock herself out. She
becomes very crazed. When we first knew
Rich she was out a lot. She would bang herself against anything solid. She
would also try to hurl herself into corners, where she couldn't be reached; maybe
like an infuriated chimpanzee where bars of a cage and bars of a crib were the
same. Another example of this when older
was that Crystal would roll between the bed and the wall where Rich had a
difficult time trying to pick us up and to stop the flailing. He would have to hold our arms down and I
know we used to be even hitting ourselves as the arms waved wildly.
My guess is that he would've tried to stop before she got to
that point, leaving the child in the lurch, but I am assuming that he must have
been giving himself quite a rise. This satisfaction would have been to set the
other off without getting caught. My mother had told us much later at one time
that she though he was abusing us, but we thought she was deflecting our
knowledge of the Grandfather’s abuse. We’re
thinking she’s more involved in this too – like the secretary also waiting, but
we believe he waited a long time in the dark to get to these moments and to
assure that everyone was quiet if not asleep. I’m wondering now if she was
waiting in her bedroom for her husband to come back and pleasure her, but that
he was spending long completive times in our room. This wouldn’t surprise at all, but is a
fairly new idea of something that had before been in our way background. Now we are thinking of being at the house and
the door being shut so that we couldn’t go in the parent’s bedroom. There were other times we were allowed in,
but I need now to back away from all those thoughts.
I think that if we did go crazy that he would just yell to
my mother that it was okay because he was checking on her – her being us. I
believe that's how we got by with it. I remember at some point the family had
got the dog Timmy that was just lethal feelings to a small child because of the
speed, weight, and energy of the dog. Somehow that ties into this. I don't
think my father could have snuck into the bedroom with the dog because it would
have been too startling and I think the dog left our household at a very young
age because he’d tip us and trample us.
I think because of the dog, we spent a long time in the crib day and
night sometimes with CS and sometimes separate. I know the dog was sent to a
farm because they said he was too wild. Although, by the time we were about six
years old my mother got the other dog/puppy which was similarly quick, but much
smaller and less powerful. The family
dog we grew up with named Susie and she was a boxer/cocker spaniel mix. Timmy had been an untrained hunting dog. I believe I was the one to do the majority of
training with Susie as we grew older.
Most of the time that we were out with Dr. Marvin - there
were older parts out also watching trying to also discover what was happening
with the younger parts. It is hard knowing when to step-in and when not to step-in
so they could tell their story in which ever way it happens for them. We knew
that with Dr. Marvin that was the girls’ safety, it was our job as older parts
to just to be paying attention. Throughout that 35 min. with Dr. Marvin I think
that we saw the quick fleeting pictures that were going on; I don't know how
much the Anniemi part was able to connect with to Dr. Marvin. I'm pretty sure
he had a good sense of what was going on, I don't know if he had the details,
or if he wasn’t hearing the account as a direct listener within the story as if
he was discussing it with the narrator - Anniemi. He was instrumental in
getting the girls out of the situation they were in. I think there was a long
conversation between Dr. Marvin and Anniemi because she did not want to leave
the younger two girls in the bedroom with our father in the room. So Dr. Marvin
worked hard to be in that room with her and that together they would tell the
father that he couldn’t come in the room with them, and they could tell our
father that he had to leave, and then later – STAY DEAD! And I think it got to the point of the father
had to leave because Dr. Marvin told him to. I don't think she believed she
could do it on her own, but “Dr. Marvin told you” is another situation. It is a
big shield in the eyes of our little ones.
I don't know what the transition was in getting them from
that point then to older parts. No doubt there were middle-aged parts that were
doing the transition. I remember seeing that Dr. Marvin was very lighthearted
after the tenseness of the event where we were able to sluggishly come back in
the older parts. He was just beaming and we seemed to take that cue that
something had happened that was good psychiatry work and that we knew something
of what had happened yet were still too afraid to go over it in our minds. But, we knew like Dr. Marvin would, that it
was something that was so long in coming and that it good to be finally out.
And I believe too that Dr. Marvin was thinking this had to be a good thing
maybe even a great thing. We still hold our doubts. We know most likely his
impression of the event is going to be the one that carries the day, but we are
not through handling the emotional space of what happened. For one, it still is
something that happened to our younger parts; we are not bridging the gap
between them and us. To be fair to the younger parts - we should as older more
responsible parts have to take that hurt and pain from them by assuming to
ourselves, if necessary, enough to get them clear of the situation. I'm not
sure how all this works.
I have the sense that the older or middle-aged parts were
out for about 10 or 15 min. before leaving Dr. Marvin’s office, so the spacing
of the event was good in that there was the hard part getting into it, the part
as it played out, and then yet time left at the end to normalize again. I don't
know what to do with it after that. There is so much to go into as to how all
of these parts of us were handling the situation and of the exact situation as
it stood. We have no doubt in our mind that what is coming to us now in this
flashback was what had indeed happened and I am willing to stake our lives on
it. There are too many other pieces that started tumbling in as soon as we got
to the middle-aged parts - like the event with my father watching us at his
cottage when we had gone up there before he died. Now I'm remembering to that
that was part of Dr. Marvin's magic with the younger part was that our father
had died and he couldn't come inside the door anymore. I don't know how long
the event happened. We had always known that Gracie had had genital
stimulation, but we were never clear of what had happened. The more I think the
more the situation seems to fall in place as to other clarifying thoughts.
Dr. Marvin said something about we might get intrusive
thoughts and I think that's what he was talking about are these thoughts that
come in now. We haven’t been able to let this situation go; it is still very
provoking to us – so we’re trying to give it “go-away” space - trying to
control when and where so it doesn’t consume us. Like this time we were able to see that my
sister was in the room although in a different crib. We didn't see that before
but it seems obvious to us now and we can sense that space as real … can do
little flashbacks to it.
I think the way that Dr. Marvin is looking at it is that it
can only get better from this point on that that was something bad that had
been locked inside of us for so long. Part of the scary part now is that we
don't know how many situations like this there are, and we don't know how many
things that situation affected down the line as we grew-up and developed
awkwardly. I can intellectualize now that it would have been at the time of the
self-regulation which is what we have been worrying about for such a long time -
at least the last seven years. The three little girls were not able to control
not only the room situation where the father came into the room, but also they
weren't able to control the stimulation he was applying to them. I believe that
in trying to correct the problem by stimulating themselves later both within
and without the tub – and when smaller and much bigger they were trying to
balance their system and regain control over it. I don’t think there has been though any masturbation
in the last 15 years of having known Rich, because there was always a
preference for him helping us get through that which was taunting, yet
terrifying to us.
We haven't talked about “him”for a long time, but there's
huge tie-in with someone that we used to date and I use that word was
squirm-ish in my voice. We used to date someone named Kevin. We grew to hate
this person, and I'm not going to go too much into it because were just feeling
repulsion already just even mentioning his name. Basically, Kevin came in as a
substitute male after we have broken off and began the divorce proceeding with
our ex and before we had started doing much of our work with JVS and Rich.
Kevin was a substantial part of our life in that we bought a house together,
although it was only for us to live in meeting myself and the three boys. There
were sexual trade-offs where we felt we had to give him some time with our
younger parts to keep him calm. Guiltily,
we ourselves could not tolerate being sexual with Kevin. We sold our soul. To make a long story short there eventually I
ended up committed into a mental hospital in Winona about the same time the
house needed to go through closing (we went bankrupt).
I remember trying to tell him that we were in trouble and
that we were going to lose everything and that we had to get out of the house,
but he did want to let us out of the personal relationship because he wanted to
keep coming back to it so he could have access sexually to our girls. We on the otherhand were working it out
through psychology with Dr. Woollcott so that we could say no to the part where
we were selling off our body for the security of living in our house, which now
seems the same with our father. He owned
the house, and now we are remembering that was something too the younger part
was telling Dr. Marvin. Our father owned
both us and the house and it wasn’t something we could get past. We had put the house purchased with Kevin on
the market when we were losing everything including the boys in 1997. By the time it was closing we were in the
mental hospital because of all our acting out suicidally. Obviously we could not be a part of the
closing, so I remember signing consent forms they had faxed to the hospital
from the bank, and Kevin and the lawyers the new people whoever - took care of
what happened to that house. I never wanted to go back after we left it. Nor, do I know if there was money remaining
that went to Kevin. I just didn’t care …
we’d been really driven crazy.
We’ve been able to handle driving past the old house 3-4
times over the last 15 years, but it still causes us great pain. It was
something that had to just get over in our life. At the time, I had had about
$8000 to put down on a house, Kevin had good credit rating, and we needed a
place for us and the three boys after the Victorian house sold.
To move on with the story Kevin took advantage of our parts,
although in some ways we took advantage of him to in that we were willing to go
into some deal with him, so I could provide the kids a house. I would and
basically did do about anything to get control over our families living
situation. By that time the boys’ dad was living with his mistress and he was
already living in a house he had arranged to buy with her. The bad part of the
Kevin story is that there were sexual relations that had happened in-between
things. I know that our boys know about the situation, but it's one of the most
uncomfortable things I've ever had to deal with. We allowed Kevin to be near us
even though he repulsed the older parts, because there were certain things that
we had thought we needed help in taking care of. The bottom line to this story
sad story is that Kevin had relationships that were sexual with our younger
parts - not unlike BJ, and not unlike our parent, or not unlike others that JVS
who had gotten to us before Rich took us off the general market. Rich was the
only one that had been attracted to us in a relationship-building manner where
the others were playing with younger parts.
Basically, if you could get a younger calm part out then you
could progress sexually, until the big disconnect when Crystal would be
startled out. Somehow we felt a responsibility to service males like this. Again Rich had to deal with younger parts
too, but he would stop instead of going forward at those moments to calm us
down and get back to older parts who could be aware and consensual to sex –
where most the males were using that time to forge ahead. Eventually, time won out over difficulty and
we are now at a point where we can only periodically have to deal with those major
triggers. They would be caused now by over-tiredness or not taking our
medicines proper before going to bed with Rich.
We are still getting Gracie at the end of most sexual occurrences, but
she is quiet and doesn't thrash like Crystal did. She is just whimpering in a
manner of calming herself – most likely like when my father had left the
room. I think that is a big part of
sexual abuse, self-regulation and all else biological … basically someone
abused like this don’t have the self-systems to sooth or calm self which leads
to some of the pathological problems like hypersensitivity and OCD.
This is why it was so easy to type/tie my
father into so many situations from the past. Because they repeat patterns over
and over and over again as I think things through as an adult and get chances
to talk and recover with Dr. Marvin, it is like then getting another chance at
life to accept and partner with those on the other side like Dr. Marvin and
you. The situation … story told loses
some of the weight and anxiety with having a better handle on what is happening
- like being able to stop the intrusive thoughts, enacted behaviors and such.
What is happening to us sexually is something that I would
honestly like to go over with Dr. Marvin and I'm thinking that we might want to
suggest to him that together, we ask for Dr. Woollcott's papers with us, and
that we work through that period of our life together with him so we can
assimilate what it happened and then get past it. If we can get over the
financial burden I am now putting on Rich by not going to school or bringing in
the loan income, then maybe we can get to the bottom of some of these things
that are so much at our core being and that have never been brought up because
of interference or lack of tolerance within our “regular life.” If all I have
to do at this point is read and reflect and write it would be the optimal time.
I don't know where Rich is standing in knowing that financially we are going to
have to depend on him. I believe he understands it intellectually, but I don't
think he's had to deal with it on an emotional level of being directly hard
pressed for cash to come up with money to pay bills. We will have to deal with
this with him more as it comes along – it will take in Rich’s anxiety and our
guilt. Tomorrow will be a big day in that we will talk to Kathryn at school and
we will talk to Dr. Marvin at the office and will come to some conclusion with
what happens to school or what our options are going to be in the future and
with what is going to happen not only to not getting a student loan, but also
then being in a position of having to pay it while being very broke.
I think we were almost done with what had happened on
Tuesday. It did seem that it was a little bit like pressure let off at the end
of the session with Dr. Marvin, but that we were very eager to get out of his
office. And, as we mentioned before, Thursday was all crying and we were
dealing with the loss of school and perhaps some of our childhood. That left us
pretty overwhelmed with taking care of the writing, but there was this owning up
to the situation, or to basically take up the slack, and now today we are back
to trying to get a grip on our new life with the center of it being the blog
and being with other multiples like us and handling new information as it comes
in from the blogosphere and other social media outlets. We see the other
multiples as somebody that we can support and they can support us in getting
through something that is very natural to their own periods of grief and
success. We feel a definite kinship with
them, although there is nothing common about being abused and having to deal
with the after effect, I just know there's a lot of wisdom within these
circles. I don't want to take advantage of that, and I hope that we even out
the tab in that I can contribute back into the multiple community or culture. We still have major thoughts of bridging the
differences between people from the inside of this situation to people from the
outside – particularly those still asking, “Is it real?” Or, those because of the question denying the
affects and instance of child abuse that are still happening and would call for
more world accountability.
The time is now 7:43 PM and Rich is still out, I thought
that would happen after he got out with the guys. I think it takes a long time
to drink a margarita, and I'm thinking that just to get through one argument
with one from the other would take some great number of minutes. He and his
friends are so quarrelsome and competitive. But the three of them Bob, Doug,
and Rich all got to know each other in elementary school and they've been
friends for over 50 years. Is very unusual though for Doug to be in the area
and I was very glad to see the three of them get together. Rich needs that kind
of friendship and support and I think it’s good for the others too.
Rich did a lot of work today working on his business
systems. He was making cold calls, and he was checking into a new program that
he wants me to help him with. I know that I have to get into helping him because
of our money flow, but it'll be difficult to let go of some of the time that
I'm not spending. Maybe it will be a blend of the above and things will work
out because with Dr. Marvin, Rich and family, things always seem to work out
now that we’re out of abusive relationships.
We want more contact with friends, but still will be cautious not to get
overwhelmed by their priority of having their own lives. At least with multiplicity most realize they
need special assistance psychologically.
I still think it’s odd that the people being “hit upon” get the therapy
while those out in the outer world get by with none. I am far from saying that “regular” people
cause abuse, but there are enough who do in one small or large fashion or
another that there always has to be cautions, PARTICULARILY with
self-centeredness, shame and lack of personal boundaries. I don’t mean for this to seem negative, but
there are reasons why we feel our psychiatry world is sometimes more real than
the reality it is helping us adjust to.
At this time … we still feel very much wanting only small bits of time
off-line with out loud reality.
I think I'm going to go back and now and edit this so I can
get it posted. I would like to have this entry in and then move on. Tomorrow, I
would like to work on the section that we were supposed to work on over the
weekend as to gathering together all our library items from Diigo. It takes
that much just to get caught up in our little world. I can't imagine what it's
like to have such a big world that goes much farther past my own doors. Ouch …
doors … still touchy. I did appreciate
being able to be out with the girls over the weekend and I appreciated being
able to be at the hotel by ourselves. I'm not sure if the deal with Maury is
going to follow-through with our babysitting for Jasmine on Saturday. We talked
to him earlier today and it was up in the air because he was thinking he might
be able to sell the tickets for $300 and he thought that might be worth more
than going to the actual game. I don't know if he would substitute something
else in that timeslot, or if he would consider coming over and hanging out,
that would be very cool, but right now Rich and I are really at the bottom of
our money flow. There's such a fine line between making it and not making it. I
don't want to end on a negative note though.
My next best dream at this moment is that Rich is handling
that we have to go through alternate sources like him being successful in a
small business to make ends meet. I did fill out the application for the dental
care. I don't know how it will turn out because we had the fill-in paperwork
that we were living together which raises our joint income even though we are
not married. In reality – we are together bringing in $2,900 regular though
without St. Rose – we’re $3,000 short of being able to pay alimony unless Rich
does some extra income from his business.
The money comes from my $1400 from disability, his $900 pension, and his
approximate $600 from officiating games.
Working with Rich to balance an income seems like the only fair thing to
do, but it has to be done in such a way it doesn’t make me overwhelmed and
super-crazy. If we keep honest with the things in our life we’re asking support
from, then things will happen the way they supposed to whether we like the
result or not. I’m thinking we really do
need the financial help, but don’t want to take advantage of systems out there
either. I'm hoping though that we are going to be able
to get the dental care. I don't know if we mentioned that before, but we need
to get two root canals done and our dentist is saying that she will do the work
voluntarily at least for one of them, she will do the other in-between work for
the second one, but she is not able to complete the complexity of the work the
second tooth presents because the cavity was there for so long and it has calcified
the root, which has to be fixed. The dentist volunteering her services is going
to ask another local specialist to also volunteer under the program, and I hope
that works out, if not, I mean you just go more and more in to debt and that's
about all you can do right?
I did want to say just a couple more things. I'm trying to
wrap-up things that have been happening in my mind over the last several days.
I can't believe it's just a Monday. Once you get behind in writing it takes
forever to catch up where about the 9,800 words a minute at this point or page
17 on a word document. The thing I wanted to mention is that we have been using
the system over at the blog to go through and to be commenting to other people
who have multiplicity. And I found a couple people that I'm really interested
in being more friends with. It's always a matter of trust with multiplicity. I am going to hope for the best. Both these people seem to be on our communication,
independence, creativity, and positivity levels so we'll see how that goes. I'm
really looking forward to the possibility though that we can make new friends.
I've never really had friends with other multiples, because the relationships have
seemed so complicated, but I think if I keep my boundaries and assist when
necessary to help them keep their boundaries – so then we should be okay. We’ll feel our way through it as normal. We have good supports with Dr. Marvin AND
with others.
We have learned a lot from Dr. Marvin in this way. It is
still Dr. Marvin on his side of the table and us on our side of the table. I am
saying that if somebody is too needy we tend to back away. If people take care
of themselves, then things have a possibility of working out. We don't talk to anybody that is talking
about death, self-abuse, or sexuality – at least not yet. We’re also very cautious
when dealing with other multiples on anger issues. We will not try to calm
somebody down in any of these above situations. I know that sometimes you have
to talk about being suicidal and things like that or having sexual relations
like we have today, but they should be in context with what is happening in
your life not just thrown out blatantly as a hazard sign to warn people from
approaching or otherwise abuse. I will not, repeat will not get in a situation
where I have to take care of anyone. I will talk with other writers/bloggers
and I hope other writers talk to me, but the actual act of psychological
improvement has to be on their own like we do for ourselves. I can be a
support, but I will not take care of others. We do care and caring about them
is okay, just not caring FOR them.
Everyone has to play by the rules of “being nice!”
Okay girls - regret saying this one more time, is there
anything else that needs to be brought up?
Let's think for a second. It has been a long time since we talk to
Linda, we saw her of course on Saturday, but we didn't have a chance to talk to
her Sunday or today so we might try to look for to that, although we have to
get this entry edited before we can do much else and that has to be a primary
rule. Writing FIRST!
I do have to say that if we could get past the money issues
which we have been talking about, I am excited to pieces to think that we are
almost out of obligations for school for it while. I am really looking forward
to being some kind of a super human being who doesn't have to worry about
day-to-day stuff with multiplicity that keeps us from doing the simplest things
like steaming clothes. As on-cue Rich has come home and is just walking into
the door, it is now 8 PM, and so it is a good time to end this entry. I never
have it all in, but we've come a long ways from start to finish and it will
take a while to edit so best be getting on with it. To another young day! Also – if we finish, we can ask Dr. Marvin to
read our thoughts. I believe this to be
an important entry for us.
Okay one more thing, I don't mean to be ominous, but we have
to make some reference to one of the things that Dr. Marvin said in his
conversation with us on Thursday that we are just now thinking about. And that
was basically, he was wondering where the anger went. In the relationship with
my father that was abusive, he's basically insinuating that there should have
been anger involved, but it’s not there yet, so that will be one of the tasks
we have to accomplish. I suppose we will have to try and figure out where all
that went. But, I don't want to get into that now. I just wanted to leave a
note so we could get back to it again later okay? Good.
Ok, one more thought … we want to leave another marker for
the time with Dr. Woollcott where we had drawn pictures of our castle and
within the castle there were pictures of the crib and that we were hiding
underneath and in back of it and had been wrapped around a leg hiding. Just saying … it too now seems to fit within
the newest pictures of our life. Steady
girls … steady!
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