Wednesday, October 24, 2012 @ 12:03 PM
Afternoon. This is us
again. Sorry for having lost the morning
– we weren’t being very productive. We
had tried following a series of leads and were then in general learning, but
there was a certain amount of unproductivity because we were skimming along
different sites knowledge and not getting very far into the depth or value of
the sites. Just too much to sort
downward. We did talk to someone from
Blackboard who recommended for their free service to use their “Courseites.com”
site for online classrooms. It would
allow for up to five courses and maybe like 20 learners. I’m not so sure of the latter part. We spent some time looking at the course
structure, but it was too much for us to focus on for long. We really have to go back to Adobe Captivate
though because Coursesites states it does
SCORM, I’m
thinking we can upload
from the Captivate program through the program.
We’re not really thinking too well into that area
though. We feel we are in recovery
mode. We had a meltdown before we got to
Dr. Marvin’s last night because of problems with the pharmacy. There was a tech there who wasn’t doing her
job, and was very arrogant and was blaming Dr. Marvin for not doing his
job. It goes into depth, but we don’t
want to do it at that level. She wouldn’t
help us figure out how to get the medicine she was saying wasn’t ordered and
she refused to call Dr. Marvin stating they only use fax. It was just the building over, but I felt I
was lost in nomanland. It was terrible
and we were frustrated and angry and was trying to handle a high level of
emotions. We didn’t say many words. We did tell her she was wrong because Dr.
Marvin didn’t make mistakes. As it
turned out the first time she didn’t know about the prescription having been
filled, because she trusted because he hadn’t called her personally that he
hadn’t taken care of the matter. He had
sent it through their computer system.
That was last week, she had never bothered to look. Then we told her that had been the problem
last time, and then she didn’t say anything, but she found the problem and then
later blamed it on the computer because it was off. And, then she was missing one of the six
medicines and she said she couldn’t help it because the doctor had forgotten
that one, but then later Dr. Marvin said that she had sent over the
prescriptions again which he’d filled the week before, but she didn’t send over
the missing one, so he hadn’t known it was supposed to be filled. I guess we’re talking about this anyway aren’t
we.
It doesn’t cover the emotional breakdown that our system
went through. She wasn’t trying to be
helpful and was blaming anyone but herself.
She’s in another program for people that need assistance with their
medicine, but the regular pharmacist overlooked the computer base. We didn’t know why medicine they were missing
and we said it was on the computer, and then we remembered it started with an
R. The regular pharmacist said that it
was the
Risperidal. He saw it on the
computer, but the technician had not.
Dr. Marvin’s note this morning said then that he talked to the MAP
pharmacist that I think he usually talks to and told her that we had been very
upset. She apologized for the tech’s
behavior and said they are working to improve the system. It was a very bad deal.
We almost ran out of the pharmacy we were so upset. We were saying fewer words than more, because
we were having trouble thinking … they were very specific. By the time we burst
through Dr. Marvin’s office – he said just a few moments late, but that was
part of the problem. They didn’t care if
we missed our appointment and part way through the tech had gone out to have a
chip break. I think when we got to Dr.
Marvin’s office we were pretty much shaking.
I remember pushing the medicine and he must have figured out then it was
a pharmacy problem. A few words probably
came out, but we couldn’t talk to him. I
think he was at the computer doing something and about then we crashed. I think it’s the systems way of dealing with
excess emotions. We couldn’t talk,
listen, see, behave in any way except to cover our face and hide until the
thoughts quit bombarding our head. I
think in the process it is like falling asleep.
Basically, everything stops working.
After awhile someone started to move and then it’s a hard process to
keep willing ourselves to take another step and another. Like it’s one thing to open your eyes, but to
move your neck takes more effort. I don’t
know how long the process lasted. I
think at some point we were able to sit up again and tell Dr. Marvin some of
what must have happened, but we remember him also saying that we had about 3
minutes left and that put us through another level of trying to figure out how
we were going to leave the room. Someone
told Dr. Marvin we wanted to run but our legs didn’t move that fast. And, they asked or said something about the
monkey lab. We haven’t thought of that
for a long time, but it is where we used to hide on campus when there had been
a problem with Dr. Woollcott. Now the
door is kept locked.
We made it to the car and then we were out of it again. Around 5:30 pm a half hour later, someone was
up enough to call Rich. We weren’t
talking regular yet, but we got him to understand we were going to be late, but
would drive as soon as we were able.
Then we were out of it for another half hour. Even though the appointment was at 4, it took
us until 6:30 PM before we got home. I
think one part of that was that the system had to go to the bathroom. We were having trouble motivating ourselves,
but had thought to put a candy bar in the equation. Parts let it be known that if we could handle
driving, we’d stop at the gas station for a candy bar. We have only done that a handful of times
over the many years driving the route home.
It helped, but we weren’t in our best shape driving home. Fortunately, we made it. Rich had dinner soon, and then we fell asleep
again. He got us to take our medicine,
because apparently while we were sleeping he had made brownies and he said we
could have a brownie if we took our medicine.
I think we’d told him that nobody wanted to take the medicine from Dr.
Marvin. I think we were almost yelling
at him we weren’t taking it. We were
having trouble getting past our more emotional logic.
We’re listening to
Enya now … we had listened to the lady
from yesterday, but Enya is who we listen to when we need to calm down. Most of the day has seemed like a daze. We wrote a note back to Dr. Marvin, but we’re
not sure if he is going to answer it.
Just more of us trying to get past the shock part of yesterday. We’re trying to make it ok that it is over,
just still feel threatened by the whole thing.
It is going to be hard to convince our parts that we have to go
back. It’s a special program because we
can’t afford the full cost of the medicine, but it is very overwhelming. We’ve had some kind of trouble or another
each time we’ve gone in. I hate the
place and it is difficult to walk the extra distance. The other part is having to walk up tall
stairs, and then having to stand while waiting for help. All in all it’s a very unwelcoming place.
We have to move past this part … I suppose then we have to
put other thoughts back in our brain.
Something besides we’re never going back. It got to a point where the suicidal thoughts
started again, but then is when we went into the meltdown. We’re thinking now that when we get like this
it is mostly Annemarie trying to handle things.
We don’t understand yet why it is important that when we go out that
sometimes she is out. She probably
handles emotions the worst but we’re not sure why things go to her then and why
we couldn’t of had a practical part out.
Rich was trying to tell us last night that there are other ways to
handle this, but we were in such an emotional state … we weren’t coping
anymore.
It makes me feel mad now that we had to pay $290 to just get
through a session of state we went to because of an idiot technician. We couldn’t understand what to do when she
wouldn’t help, and then the regular pharmacist was there, but because this was another
program the idiot lady was in charge of not helping us understand the problem
it was just … nothing I can do! Just
that she could do something, but wouldn’t.
It’s a really bad program. It’s a
bad way to treat people just because we can’t pay for our medicines. We still paid $50 just that one of the
medicines cost over $400 … we can’t afford it.
Just rereading over Dr. Marvin’s note. It seems like he has taken care of the
situation with the pharmacist. It feels
good that he did some intervening, but not sure what went through from one to
another. I would think nobody likes
getting scolded by a doctor especially if that’s what happened. Dr. Marvin is very diplomatic though he
wouldn’t say anything out of order. He
can probably say he’s frustrated without doing it the wrong way. The place is just so darn scary.
Ok, we’re not doing a very good job of getting past this are
we? What else can we focus on? Hmm, there is one thing! I remember talking to Sir Sweetie-Pie this
morning and he said that we could go out for dinner tonight and that it would
count as our 18th year anniversary.
It’s actually on Saturday, but he’s got three games that day … we did
get a rather nice commitment to some Tom Foolery afterward, but we’re going to
need be conscientious that it is a lot of basketball games and that he might be
tired.
We talked about it a little bit this morning – the first
time he made a romantic overture toward us.
I’m sure we told this story before, but we’d been working for him (he
was our boss) and we had been doing long Thursday nights doing payroll – often til
10-midnight. He and Sean and Myron had
taken turns sometimes staying with us, because it was a long night and we were
in the building all by ourselves. This
particular night, Rich was supposed to be taking us home. He had come from a celebration for Shirley
Phram who had been the comptroller for a long time. She was retiring and we’re thinking that Rich
probably had a couple drinks which is something he didn’t usually do. Shirley was a hard person to deal with and I
think he thought there was some relief in her going.
We were working through our paces when he came in and we
could tell by his behavior that he was in a rush and we were thinking that we
had to finish it our way … methodologically so we wouldn’t make a mistake. I remember him trying to rush us through the
editing part where we knew we had to check for mistakes before posting and that
took extra time he didn’t want to put into it.
We thought he just wanted to get home, but we’re thinking now he had
ulterior motives.
Basically, somehow or another, he was looking out
distractively over at the skyline which faced the then Sears tower and
other. We were located on the 8th
floor facing downtown Chicago two blocks off of Union Station. He seemed to be slowing down after looking
out the window … we were thinking he was just taking a rest. But, then he said that we should come over
and look out at the skyline. We we’re
probably pretty close to the end of our work and so stood by the window for a
moment, but then he said that we should sit down. He was sitting down next to us. Sometime in a very short amount of time, he
moved his left hand to our right leg – thigh.
I don’t think we really understood what was happening. We went into all kinds of feelings, but the
one I can remember most was the part where our body froze. We didn’t know what to do … we just
froze. I’m thinking there were some warm
fuzzy feelings, but I’m sure at the time the whole thing was pretty
overwhelming.
We don’t remember what exactly happened next or what he was
saying to us. I’m pretty sure there must
have been some words. For the most part,
we just remember his hand on our thigh and not knowing what to do. I’m thinking at this point, he might have
stated some of his intent … maybe he told us he was attracted to us, I don’t
know. The next part I remember – also that
night was that he was sitting on the edge of a table in the workshop and
sometime somehow he had announced his intent to kiss us. Lordy … I’m pretty sure that put us over the
top. We were interested in having him
kiss us, but this was whole new territory.
We remember the age regression and being intimidated and hiding behind
the skid. He was very thoughtful and
conscientious about moving us from one location to being next to him where he
gave us a kiss. I don’t remember if it
were a little smooch or a big one. We
were pretty much in one gigantic swoon.
This morning we asked if he had been sexually attracted to
us and he sort of blushed saying we could probably figure that out for
ourselves.
One other part we remember of that night was that we had a
long talk on the way home and he talked about being married and that we weren’t
supposed to worry about that and it was his problem, but that he wasn’t
planning on getting a divorce and that the relationship between us could only
work if we didn’t tell anybody anything about it. I think it had been said though also while we
were on the workshop floor, because we told him if we couldn’t tell Dr.
Woollcott, that we couldn’t do it because we told our doctor everything. I think he thought of it for a moment, but
then said yes, we could tell Dr. Woollcott.
That was another part, but just holding on to this part. We were pretty buzzed, stunned, overwhelmed,
excited as hell … all of the above.
One way or another this was our first romantic night. We’d been working together for about 10
months. This was the first time I had
known he was romantically interested in us.
I don’t know where we were. We
don’t know the real relationship before that time. I know that he wasn’t around all the time,
but that we were excited when we saw him.
He was very important in our world.
He had once early on explained he was ONLY middle management. I’m not sure what built up to that
conversation. I think we were putting
him on a very high pedestal and it was his way of saying he was just a normal
guy. We’ve been together ever since and
it is now 18 years later. We had been
divorced, but he remained married for some time afterward until his wife
finally found out about us about five years ago when Rich had accidently left
one of my notes to him up on his computer at home. They separated that day and he came here and
now we’ve been living together for five years.
He’s still not interested in
marriage, but I don’t blame him.
He’s still paying $3000 alimony to his wife and we are piecing together
our fincances on a month to month basis.
He had said that he couldn’t be a good husband because he wasn’t able to
take care of us. He also said at one
point because we had so much debt and in need of services that he couldn’t
afford to take us on and it would mean a lessoning of my resources through
government assistance which is necessary to continue with Dr.’s and
medicine.
I’m thinking that it is pretty close to another anniversary
so that is why we’re thinking about this sort of thing again. I don’t know if he would have known the
outcome if he would have made that first move.
I was confused too because a couple other people at work had made sexual
moves and in those cases, we had told him about what had happened and he’d had
to take care of the matter as a boss. I’m
not sure what he thought of all that. We
know that he had several meetings with us.
I don’t know if it ever went onto our official reports. I am thinking that he kept it off. He did have one key instigator transferred to
another building. But, it seemed that it
had gone around … there were five males involved one at a time. Three were specialists, one was a
shipping/receiving clerk and one was a counselor. They were all black. The two people that had not
abused the situation were Sean and Myron.
Both of those men were black also, but although we’re sure they’d talked
to others, that they never abused the relationship sexually. The same kind of thing had happened later
with BJ so our thinking was always that we must have had some sign on our
forehead saying that we were sexually approachable. Maybe more like we were not able to defend
ourselves. I’m sure too that since we
were divorced we had some need to be taken care of. I wasn’t attracted to any of these people it
seemed more a matter of defense in trying to protect ourselves.
I’m not sure where our mind was at by the time that Rich
started the sexual relationship. I don’t
know if we had thought it was something different. I know we did give Sean some indication that
something had happened and somehow Rich smoothed that out, but we got driven
home and reprimanded saying we couldn’t ever talk to Sean about it. He was like the middleman between us and
Rich. Sean backed off and didn’t ever
approach it again. We never said anything
to anyone about it. I think toward the
end that Diane knew about it. She had
been our typing instructor. I know she
left sometime and there was another instructor, but I don’t think that Diane
ever said anything. She was also
black. I don’t know why this is
important now, but maybe it was just such a different environment for us that
we didn’t know how to respond properly to it.
BJ was white, and so is Rich. We did send a note to BJ just a couple weeks
ago. We had just found out that Brother
Jerome had died and we hurt for BJ because we knew how extremely close they
were. But, that’s enough for now on
that. BJ is another story of someone
outside the JVS experience. Other than BJ’s
approaching us, we’ve never had another sexual experience other than Rich in
these last 18 years. Things have felt
very safe. They weren’t safe back in
those days. I’m sure I had the biggest
crush on Rich, but as we might have stated before, I’m sure there was some
confusion that I didn’t know if Rich weren’t going to be another relationship
like these other five males. They were
all within the same 10 months or so. It
was such a horrifying experience. I hadn’t
thought very much of ourselves, because these sorts of things kept
happening. There was like a code or sharing
between them so that it became more like here it goes again. Usually they would tell me they were
interested in us sexually and then we’d like freeze up and then they would
begin to tell me what they wanted to do and then they would do it. We didn’t know how to stop it. We were being told and would follow direction
probably much like when my grandfather or father would tell us what to do. We went into a mode of obeying and it didn’t
matter what our thoughts were.
This is a very embarrassing thing to us now. And, I think the worst part would be if we
were in the same situation now would we know any better how to handle it? It seems that with Rich – besides BJ there
was never another adult male around us with the exception of our grown
sons. I don’t think they really knew
about these situations. As mentioned
earlier, it was four years later and I’d moved to MN before I told them about
Rich. In ’97 when we lost everything, we
also gave up our work, our Doctor and Rich.
We’d lost the boys, the house, the dog, and had gone bankrupt. We spent two years in MN. Rich came up to Winona to still be with us
every 3-4 weeks. BJ had convinced us
that we shouldn’t be in that relationship and for three months we refused to
see or talk to Rich, but then he just came up anyway and forced us to sit down
and talk to him. Somewhere in there BJ
had made his sexual move. I remember
that when we were in the hospital, we had tried to contact BJ and he said that
the police had been there and he couldn’t ever talk to us again. I remember also talking to Rich. He knew what had happened and I’m sure he
told us to follow the doctor’s orders.
He’d known about the ECT, and I’m sure after we got back to our home he
found his way back to MN to be with us.
We’ve always been together since.
I don’t know if Rich hasn’t always considered himself appointed toward my
well-being. I don’t know how the abuse
from the past plays into all of this. I
do feel a loyalty toward Rich. I hadn’t
wanted the relationships to the others, but with the exception of those three
months, I’ve wanted Rich to be in our life as our love of life.
I don’t know what kind of pressure our lack of ability in
taking care of ourselves had figured into Rich’s love of us. He’s always had the back hand in helping us
do the things that we are supposed to do to be taking care of ourselves. Sometimes we get very frustrated that he is
scolding us for one thing or another, but if push came to shove, we would defer
to Rich. He’s always been our
safety. I think that we’d follow Dr.
Woollcott or Dr. Marvin first, but the two of them have always respected our
relationship with Rich and have worked with us so that we’d give Rich an equal
partner. Maybe it is not as much as
responsibility or adulthood, but as to someone trying to be in a valid
relationship.
That was Rich. He
just called. He had figured out how to
pick up the last medicine that was ready at the bad pharmacy. He said he is going straight out to his
mothers, and then he would be home and we should count on being ready at 6 pm
to go out for dinner and Margarita’s. I
had already forgotten we were supposed to do that. We tried to get out of it, but he reminded us
that it was for our anniversary and that if we didn’t, he would be reminded of
it for the rest of the week. I’m pretty
sure he was right. Just we have to go
out again and after yesterday it is a bit more intimidating. It should be ok, he is my protector, isn’t
he? If there was one safe way in the
world to go out it would be with Rich.
And, it’s for our anniversary and that’s what this is all
about anyway right? Anyway this is what
Rich and us talked about – though in not as much detail this morning.
We talked a little bit about what happened at the pharmacy
and with Dr. Marvin last night with Rich.
He goes through his paces in trying to handle things, but we were told
afterward that not only had we called him saying we couldn’t drive home yet,
but then his mother called and told him she was going to take pills to kill
herself, because Bud wouldn’t give her alcohol or smokes. It is putting a terrible pressure on
Rich. I’m pretty sure I’m enough to
handle all by myself, but his mother isn’t taking care of herself … when she’s
not drinking she wants to be dead, and when she’s drinking she’s very dangerous
to herself. There seems to be no end to
it. I hate to say this, because I don’t
think I ever have, but I hope that her body gives out on her soon, just to stop
what she’s putting Rich through. He
feels guilty because he’s not taking care of her proper. It just isn’t fair. She’s not even trying. Right now he’s on his way out there. He says its not for a visit, but to talk to
her about her behaviors. That is
probably a good thing. He certainly
doesn’t have an easy life.
After we talked about that last night – mostly me listening,
he went into talking about his business.
There seems to be so much on him.
I suppose then the least we can do is be ready to go out, right? MAKE RICH’S LIFE EASIER. It’s our new mantra. J
It’s now about 2 pm.
We stopped by the FB page, but Linda just left a note saying all that
she’s gotten done today and that she’s going back out and should be home about
3 pm. We’ll try to talk to her
then. We left her a short note to catch
her up on the day.
As to the other … Rich doesn’t deserve the life he is
getting. I think we are the easy part
and we offer a lot of confusion. I do
have to admit he was sneaky with the medicine.
We had told him and Dr. Marvin we weren’t going to take it anymore, but
then Rich takes us out to the kitchen and shows us the brownies in the oven and
said … good girls get brownies because they take their medicine. HMPF … we’ve STILL got no DEFENSES! Yeah ok, we took our medicine.
He must have been interested in us knowing he’d have similar
things to work through with his mother.
She’s not eating or taking her medicine now either. She can’t hold herself up with the amount of
drinking she does, but insists she can take care of her life. She’s not.
Ok, we’re not going into all that again.
Trying to separate ourselves in mannerisms that might be
like one another. We did drink for the
one month, but then between that, stress, and medicine, we had gotten the
stomach ulcer and lost more than half our blood. That was like a message to us saying we have
to drink less, distress and the doctor learned we couldn’t take a certain kind
of medicine. That one wasn’t our fault. I don’t remember the kind it was some kind of
medicine like a type of aspirin or Tylenol that was used to take down the pain
of arthritis. I think it starts with a M, but that is as
far as we can figure out. AHA! We figured it out … we put in arthritis and
aspirin and came out with NSAIDs. That’s
the kind we can’t take and the study we’re reading says that it is nonsteroid
anti-inflammatory drugs and that their assistance with preventing
cardiovascular disease is wiped out due to the gastrointestinal and
intracranial bleeding which can be fatal.
Ok, that was enough of that … ANYWAY … the thing is that
after you know something is dangerous, you have to stop doing it OR, put
yourself in for the appropriate help.
She’s like not doing that either.
She’s like stubbornly dragging herself down a deathtrek, and the only
people it is going to hurt is her family.
But, the fact of the matter is that she doesn’t care because the booze
is more important to her. BLAH!
Ok, ok ok … shhhh, this is not going to help us get back to
being more productive. One thing for
sure is that we will get ourselves ready to go out with Rich. It’s 2:20 pm now and we’ll be ready by 5 pm
in case he gets home early … so that means shower by 4 pm – giving us about 1 ½
hours to write or do something good for us.
Linda is getting her glasses and stopping for wrapping paper, so I’m not
sure if she’ll be back by 3 pm, she might be pressing things. I don’t think we’ve really talked to each
other today.
I wish there was something to say about what happened with
Dr. Marvin today, but we lost track of him.
I know that he was at the computer when we stopped processing, and then
it took us a while to get our bearings, but when we finally did there was just
a little time left and he had been sitting across the room waiting for us. I don’t know what he is thinking when he’s
not talking … sometimes I think we must be very strange to him, but then he’s
probably been around the bend enough to know all varieties of human
behavior. I always hate going into those
behaviors, because we lose so much time, but I don’t think the system has a
better way of handling hard emotions. He’s
going to be gone tomorrow so we’ll have to wait until Tuesday to talk to him. Hopefully, he’ll tell us something that can
help us figure out how our brain works in closing itself down. That seems to be the most confusing part
now. It seems that we probably have the
majority of information figured out on how we got to that stage, just don’t
know the particulars on why it was so triggering. Dr. Marvin usually says that when that much
emotion goes into something that isn’t in itself provoking then some of our
feelings are attaching to the incident from the past.
When I test our memory now and think through what was the
worst of it was probably the anger and helplessness in that she wasn’t going to
help us and that she wouldn’t talk to Dr. Marvin so the problem could be
solved. We also knew the pressure of
what would happen if we couldn’t get this medicine. Too often that kind of things end up in
suicidal ideation. We would have also
known how impossible it would be for us to go back down on a no-doctor marvin
day because the parking was so far away and we wouldn’t have trusted the
system. We wouldn’t know about our
behavior if we had to handle the same lady and it seemed to affect us knowing
that she wouldn’t care how difficult and impossible she’d been making our
life. It was also frustrating that the
smarter pharmacist wouldn’t step in because it wasn’t his program.
Something about a lady with this much apparent lack of care
and arrogance being responsible between us and not only getting our much needed
medicine – trapped because we couldn’t go elsewhere, and then the part of her
tearing down our doctor because “he had done something wrong.” It was all thrown in our head and mixed
around and was way too overwhelming to deal with. There was a feeling of being in a life or
death predicament and not being able to get ourselves out of it. The back-up was that Dr. Marvin would fix it,
but it incensed us when she said she wouldn’t call him. It just didn’t makes sense and it seemed to
push us down this thread where nothing in life was possible. As if a troll stood on a bridge we had to
cross and he was saying no, we couldn’t go on.
In a sense it felt that she was stopping our life, although I’m pretty
sure by now that Dr. Marvin would say that we were adding to the problem, but
that’s the way our thinking was going. I’m
sure it relates to not having responsible people caring for us who cared and
then being put into that situation again … I think it was exceptionally bad,
because no one stood up for us and contradicted this woman’s behavior. She wasn’t the kind of person who should be
in charge of anyone. Especially, in
finding the next day she was just a technician.
She wasn’t even someone who should have had in our opinion that kind of
authority. She obviously did not know
how to help people.
I feel like we haven’t been able to leave the situation
yet. It’s been most of the day. I don’t even know what else we’re supposed to
be working on. Still trying to adjust to
what happened. Trying to figure it out
to prevent it from happening again. I
think Dr. Marvin is done handling this with us this week. He is going to be out Thursday and Friday and
he’d gotten an apology from the pharmacist for the MAP program, which seems to
have helped him. In one way it helps us
too particularly if we trust Dr. Marvin, but directly we don’t feel it
helps. We’re still reliving the problems
with the tech … while Dr. Marvin and the Pharmacist have signed off. I don’t know if her claim to be working to
improve the system will have any direct affect.
I don’t know if the next time I go in I will just be dealing with the
same angered woman who is now just that much madder at us for causing a
stir. She didn’t take responsibility for
any of her mistakes and I’m thinking now she’s blaming and correction to her
behavior as being my problem.
I don’t know just feeling lost with this. I don’t think we do well with people in
authority who aren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing. I can bet pretty safely then that it is
connected to my mother, father and grandfather being irresponsible. Maybe we’ll think of this for a moment to see
if we can bring down some of the anger/upset feelings of having “been attacked.” I’m not sure if that’s the best word, just the
first word that comes to mind. We had
popcorn for lunch. Thinking we might try
to put something solid on our tummy first.
Dinner won’t be until after 3-4 hours.
L
Good good, just had a sandwich and looked at FB pictures
over at Julies for a few moments. We
calmed ourselves down. That’s a good
thing. Maybe we should take a shower now
in case Linda comes by to talk. It’s
about 3:10 pm now.
It’s a couple of hours later, and Linda has come and
gone. Tpony had come home and she was
going to do something with dinner. In
the meantime, Rich called too and asked that we be ready 20 minutes from now,
so maybe we can do a little bit of a wrap-up.
I’ve been away for a couple of hours and I’m afraid we’ve been acting
badly. Linda was patient with us, but we
were brooding. We’ve been down on
ourselves for not being smart or able enough to do more with our life. I know that comparing ourselves to others isn’t
helping, and for the most part we’re just feeling sorry for ourselves. The feelings and emotions are too hard to go
into in just 20 minutes. I think we are
regretting life paths that did not happen.
It might have been different if we had grown-up in another family –
especially, a non-abusive family, but instead, we have to take ownership of our
own experience. Along with that comes
the realization that we are just over 50 years into our life and are still
being affected by things that were happening over 50 years ago. The first abuses were in infancy and then on
to toddler. It seems sometimes that the
path is so craggy that there is no way out.
I don’t know why we turned to this stream of thought. We were at a place just a little a bit ago
where we were thinking happily over our love life. But, now it seems as if anyone who ever knew
us were more stuck with us than anything else.
I don’t usually beat ourselves up … it’s been a very long time since
that has happened and in all consciousness I know I have to stop now and get on
top of this series of thoughts. Where is
it coming from? What is it that is
making me feel not good enough? I don’t
know the first negative sets of thoughts today were on the pharmacy and our
take-away there was that some idiotic clerk/tech person affected us and we
couldn’t control the affect. And then we
went on to talk about Rich, but we again couldn’t get there without again being
in control. We’re talking of the
sexualizing of our relationships by several men. That had an affect on us too, but now we look
at it more as a mile marking. We’ve been
going down this same path for so long.
We’ve been writing about missing a high school friend. I know that I couldn’t have followed her footsteps,
but seemingly we keep coming back to this point. Somehow she represents a world that was much
saner than the one we were living. Her
and her household were a safe haven.
Maybe it is that that we miss. I
know thought that Rich provides me a relatively sound life. We are church-mouse poor, but that doesn’t
make or break a relationship though makes it sometimes tricky to navigate. I think of the trips and travels and endless
good times of our friend appearing in one group picture or another. I think she has a very good life that is to
be congratulated. But, there lies the quandary
… the working through of our mind. I
remember the competitiveness, but I don’t know how I could have ever competed
against her. I don’t even know if we
realized at the time how smart she was.
What did we know about giftedness?
I don’t know what she saw in us, though at some point we’d gotten
suicidal and from then on we felt more like we were doing her a disservice. We didn’t know at that time about the
multiplicity or how it was affecting our life and how are life had been
channeled through abuse. It had all been
put away somewhere, but the nagging feelings of not being good enough … maybe
not even from Kendra, but from the people in the past – the abusive
people. If we had been good enough they
wouldn’t have created a monster in us.
Ok, shh shh girls. We’re no monster,
right? Just we were DIFFERENT. Lordy this doesn’t seem to be getting any
easier. I have to turn some trick in our
mind though because Rich is going to call in a minute and there is no way I
should be the one out with him. I didn’t
even realized I was depressed again, and then here I am sobbing up a
story. Oh Lord have mercy on me! Ok, whatever THAT was supposed to mean.
GIRL SHAKE IT OFF!
Chances are Rich is going to need me to listen to him. He’s been with his mother all afternoon. That comes with its own obstacles. This is supposed to be OUR day. He was the right white knight, Yes? I’d like to think we can do that though with
more than just the part … he got stuck with me because he reaches for people in
need of fixing.
Yes, probably we’re going to have one Margarita
tonight. Wondering now though if we
should bring our medicine too. Most
likely we’ll be out past 7 pm. See this
is what I’m talking about … How is it that some people go off to have these
wondrous adventuresome lives and then some others need to be drugged day to day
to get through it AND couldn’t walk to the nearest camel and back. STOP GIRL STOP. You are depressing even US!
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