Attention :)

Please also see Ann's Web Page called Multiplework

Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Updated! Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 100 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our email is and our Twitter account (@aynetal3), which lists approximately 300 Multiples. Keep looking for others - they are OUT there!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I can't believe it ... but FINALLY ... this is my Grandson Austin!

Monday, October 29, 2012 @ 12:18 PM

Good afternoon!  It’s us!  AS you MIGHT have noticed our WONDERFUL Grandson is pictured here with us.  We are soooooo honored to have spent this time with him.  He’s everything his Mom said and more!  We had lunch with him and his Mom for the first time yesterday afternoon and I was soooo excited that I came home told Rich everything (rambled) we could remember, and then literally we pulled in Chief (one of our two kitties) and put ourselves in a sleep situation for an hour or two.  It was just a far out place mentally to go because of its awesomeness!

I’ve always felt I loved Austin, but now we have been introduced as a much older child who we can relate to as long as he would like us to be involved in his life.  He is just SOOOOO terrific!  I won’t go into too many details, because we want to save his privacy, but from our point of view we were incredibly amazed with his brightness, his care and concerns for others, his ability to articulate what is one his mind, how curious and honest his questions are, and how easy it is to fall for him!  He’s just unbelievable he is so magnificent.  This is not to say that my other four Grandchildren (all girls) are any less, but to meet one for the first time … you just have to know we’re going to be bowled over. 

We brought him just one gift which was a picture of his Dad around our Grandson’s age.  Both he and Laura thought the two looked so much like each other, Austin didn’t look at it for long, maybe that will come later, but his term for it was “crazy.”  *Giggling* we were so happy to have given it to him.  I forgot to tell Laura though that there may or may not be some other pictures of Thom in back of it.  I didn’t take the back of the frame off, but that WOULD be a nice surprise if we had indeed left pictures in the frame.  We feel strongly that each of the boys receive the pictures we’ve saved and that they should go to their families and be continuously passed down.  That is what we felt like yesterday that we’d passed Thom to his son – our view of him we’ve held onto for so long.  I have no doubt that we will get other pictures back to replace those gone.  And, that’s the way life should turn.

There were so many topics that Austin could ask or discuss that the visit was just way over general enjoyment.  He asked questions about computers, politics, our book, some of the people or parts in the book, our views on punishment and a whole lot more … I’ve never been with a person who could ask more questions than him.  We have to be careful with grabbing up attribution, because I know the relationship between he and his mother and closer family members are more responsible for him than anything, but I was so pleased to - to find that he liked to read, write, and had a very inquisitive mind like ours.  We teased about his statement on being smarter than his Mom and he blushed because he knew at this point it might be bad manners, but then we had to laugh and tell him that his Dad had told me the same thing that he was smarter than us.  We teased back later in life when we found our IQ to prove to Thom that although it was probably that he was smarter, that we weren’t unintelligent either.  I think Austin could appreciate that.  Not only did he ask a phenomenal series of questions, you could see him pondering the answer and then regenerating his thoughts.

I also loved that he could follow his own thoughts and emotions.  For example his mother stated that at first he wasn’t talking as much as normal, and he responded by saying he might be a little nervous.  That was a perfect thing to say showing foresight and allowed us to admit that we were a little nervous too.  I could remember thinking that I hoped I was answering his questions in a manner that was fair and understandable and hoping that he would never stop asking questions.  I think that’s one of the more profound facts of being intelligent is being investigative of other people and things.  Curious Inquisitiveness shows interest in others and in one’s world.  It’s one of our most highly prized attributes.  I think though between us that his interest base is much larger and that he will be able to knit together his understandings of the world in a much productive manner.  We’ve settled in our life to figuring out things very specific to our passion of understanding multiplicity and in dedicating ourselves to learning and teaching about that area of life.  I loved it that I could use a word like passion and he seemed to understand.  We explained it pretty much like having an interest in something so much that work and play got mixed-up.  When we asked what he was most curious about he talked about the atmosphere.  It’s a GREAT interest!

I know I’m never as good at holding back in my blog as I should be, but too I wanted to capture some sense of this first older person view of him. 

I think one of the most exciting things was that he was reading our book and understanding things that he was reading.  I fretted that it must be boring, but he didn’t hesitate before saying, no it was interesting.  I think in that one sitting, Austin gave me more feedback than I’d ever received before.  You know that’s going to sparkle us!  When we had started to write that was one of the reasons.  We had felt that even though we weren’t having common relationships with our grandchildren that there would be some kind of legacy passed down to them where they could find out about us much later.  I’m home that one day our other Grandchildren will do the same, but then again it is scary too not knowing how the reading will affect their perception of us.  I’ve already gotten so many good vibes from Austin and I sincerely love the pieces out of the fact that he seems to intuitively want to figure out why things happen especially in people to people relationships.  I had the sense he understood my logic for thinking one thing to another.  And, that interests me a lot. 

I can tell also that his mother and her family/friends have probably been asked and answered millions of questions.  I think that really is the biggest take-away … not only that this fabulous person is a part of my family, but how questioning his mind is … at one point we asked if he would want to be a multiple from the information he knew so far and he said it would probably be confusing … I remember a question around there where he asked if we all got along.  LOL NOOOO … we don’t ALWAYS think in a cooperative manner, but we could honestly tell him that communication was better than integration.  He was the one that brought up integration and he seemed well-able to understand that each of the parts in our minds “deserved to be there” and no one wanted to lose their place.  I was SOOOO impressed when one of his first questions was about Gracie and then “Dear Heart” our Annemarie.  I told me the rest of the visit was going to be really something. 

Ok, yes I know its 3 pages later and I’m still talking about the meeting, but please know how much ISN’T being talked about.  I do want to say it’s about 1:30 pm and they are expecting within a couple of hours for Hurricane Sandy to hit.  They say EVEN in Chicago that Lake Michigan should have 15 foot waves on Lake Shore Drive.  We just called Rich and talked to him for a minute.  He said that he would be careful with that.  It’s just that he works all around Chicago and Lake Shore Drive is a main avenue between North and Southside’s of Chicago.  He seemed to understand our concern, but also appeared to be pretty busy so we let him go.

We’re listening to Anderson Cooper in the background and feel comforted to hear his voice.  There are 60 million Americans and others who have it so much worse out on the East Coast.  I did leave messages for Thom and Duyen.  We’ll feel better to know they’re ok.  It’s hard to worry about a Marine though – they don’t make them much tougher.  Duyen added pictures this morning on a Halloween party she was at so thinking she’s ok, but everyone has to do the hurricane.  Wouldn’t look forward to being in one.

We’ve talked a little on and off with Linda today.  She’s on the phone now, but still hasn’t signed off … Tpony is going to come home later, so we’ll prepare for that if Linda wants to talk later.  I think we’re probably much more used to Rich being out.

I don’t think much happened yesterday in and around being able to meet Austin.  I’m thinking Rich had breaded pork, beans and rice for dinner and it was very good, but I’m thinking that we ate later like after 6 pm.  He had had my leftover lunch for his lunch and we explained the napping J.  Pretty much then I think we’re really caught up to date.  It was hard to wake me up this morning, which seems to be happening more often.  Maybe that should remind me right now that I’m supposed to take some medicine midday.  Guess we could do that.

Ok, not saying anything here … but I think it’s a shame when people bring their work home to bed with them.  Ya know?!  Poor Chief we chase him around the house with a camera during Halloween week!

More time has passed.  Now we’re figuring their just damn collusive!  HMPF!


Friday, October 26, 2012

Sometimes it takes a morning to get past one's first thoughts of the day *sigh*

 Friday, October 26, 2012 @ 9:36 AM 

Good morning.  Today is Friday and we’re here and glad for it.  We seem more past the experience with the pharmacy, but it is still in our mind and most likely will remain there until we get a chance to talk to Dr. Marvin about it on Tuesday.  BUT, since today is Friday we’re going to try putting it aside.

The first thing I wanted to mention was that we had a fantastic time with our Grandchildren last night.  Ame was a part of a very successful school entertainment night.  They had the concert band, the orchestra, the choir, and the jazz band play.  Most of the kids were 6th – 8th grade and they did terrific.  There were no upsets during the night and in addition their many drummers performed a special number using 5 gallon paint buckets (empty).  The teacher stated they had composed their piece with only a few tweaks from staff.  It was a very enjoyable performance.  Ame of course might as well be the star of the show as far as Gramma is concerned.  I know she’s not first chair, but this is her first year and she is only a 6th grader.  We’re so proud of her for tackling an instrument.  She has something within herself to be proud of.

After the concert, Rich and us took the girls and Maury for ice cream at Culver’s.  It wasn’t very crowded and we were able to pull together enough tables to sit with the group of 8 of us.  It is an exceptionally rewarding time being with Nikki and Maury’s family.  Everyone is fun and lively and with much to say or think about, especially after being out for the night on a school night.  I do hope they got enough sleep.  We got home just before 9 PM.  Very bright and wonderful faces for sure!  And, of course the ice cream was great too!  Thanks Rich!

It turned out to be a rainy night and we were glad to get home safely in one piece.  We sat with Rich for a show, but I don’t remember which one.  I guess we weren’t really paying too much attention.  Wait … I know it was the new NCIS show.  I think it was ok, but not spectacular … It just seems like a long time between new shows and we had really loved it more when we’d just started (late into the show’s history) and there were shows every night that were new and needed to be caught up in. 

I am wondering if we saw any football other than at Culver’s.  We just looked up once and noted it, but then of course the girls attention took us completely into their worlds.  Maybe last night we just fell asleep.  Just don’t remember.  This morning I do remember that we woke up about 4 AM, and then about 5:15 AM when we were getting Rich up, we fell back to sleep for a couple more hours.  Unfortunately, we didn’t REALLY wake-up then until he was saying his good-byes.  I don’t think he will be home until this evening.  Tomorrow he has the three basketball games and then we’ll share the evening together.  I think he’s got fishing coming up, but it might be next weekend.  I would like to spend Saturday the third, with Joe and Cari and a Herbalife event nearby.  AND, of course on Sunday is Austin day!

That’s the schedule.  J

Today hasn’t really been too thought through.  We talked to Linda for a small while this morning, but we got into a discussion on working in and outside the home and that didn’t seem to lay down straight.  Plus, she had to leave because she was making a birthday cake for another friend.  The girl is BUSY!  Other than that, we’ve just taken care of catching up with our online presence. 

So, It’s now almost 10 AM, we’ve got the day ahead of us and we’re thinking … what comes next?

Ok, that’s that … we walked a load of dark clothes downstairs to the washer.  There was a cold smelly load of clothes left in the washer that indicated that it had been there for a while.  So we did someone a favor and put the load into the dryer and paid the $1 to dry it.  It wasn’t a big expenditure and it is a lot easier than boiling over about possibly not doing laundry because someone has tied up the machine.  I really hate it when people don’t attend to the laundry because there are six apartments in the building and being on the third walk-up floor … I don’t want to be going up and down just to see if people have done their part in moving clothes through the machines.  I suppose though for now, we’re just going to have to get past it.  I will give the people a few extra minutes, but if they are not down there in an hour to retrieve clothes from now dryer.  They’ll get stacked haphazardly on top of the machine.  I don’t intend to wait for them before I can dry my clothes.  Usually, it’s not too bad, but there is a new family and I don’t think she appreciates the service fully yet.  HUMBUG!

Shoot phone started to update as we plugged it in … we’ll have to wait a few more minutes to set the timer on laundry.  Be patient girl … be patient.  It’s not a life or death matter, hmm?  I know I know … just when I finally start the forward process, slowing down feels miserably dangerous as to falling back.  It will be ok.  Just give it a few minutes J


Are we back to what’s next?  Ok, good set the alarm.

Back is still resting, but will pick up living room and make bed in a second.  I think the kitchen is good … just have to straighten a few things in the sewing room.  I think we can get by with NOT vacuuming today.  YAY!

It would have to mean that we next find something to concentrate on.  I’m hoping that the fabric for the SW quilt comes in today, and if not that tomorrow.  We are still on day Gazillion in not cutting out the next quilt.  We’ve been keeping up with Linda and she’s cutting/quilt her heart out.  She’s planning on doing some small projects in-between the bigger.  I believe she has the quilting stamina to go through the weekend without much stopping her.  I think if there were anything to slow down a quilter at retreat it would be talking and both Linda and us fall into these cycles sometimes.  We have to be careful to balance social with Quilt productivity.  It’s a WONDERFUL balance!

Hmm, we turned on the Rhapsody music, but its doing periodic stops or cutting out.  We’re thinking they are having a buffering problem, but kids are in school so I’m not sure exactly what’s going on there.  We also have had over the last couple of days problems with Diigo.  We finally found a note saying they’d been hijacked.  Someone who is doing advertising crookedly has taken over their site.  It’s gotta be a nightmare.  They have a temporary site at, but it makes one feel a bit vulnerable.  I didn’t know people could do that.  I hadn’t paid attention the other day when I saw something on Twitter talking about the shame of hijacking.  I guess Diigo might have been the one stating that.  I just hadn’t paid attention.  I will the next time and see if I can’t learn more about it.  It might be a matter of just figuring out illegal passwords.  I’m not sure.  It’s a big enough company though I’m sure they got pros on it.

Ok, good good.  I’ve got a half hour left and the house is picked up and garbage is ready to go down with me when I change over the load.  That will save Rich a trip and get the kitty litter out before we feel the effect.  Good Ann

Also means we have a half hour with nothing in particular to do.  One of the things that is riding on my mind is that we’re about a month behind in the blog reading.  We’ve like taken a siesta from it.  I’m not sure why, but maybe it had been too much trying to get caught up, and then we were having problems with Diigo, but I think mostly we just got behind.  We figured out that if we click on the individual entries instead of the generic blog that we do better at collecting or curating the full highlighted areas.  But, then it doesn’t put the annotated quotes together.  I wasn’t so happy about that, and the process is a little more demanding, but I think it will be the answer.  I know that we talked about it before, but the bottom line is that if someone wanted to find the material it would be more accurate to save each of the individual entries.

I think another thing that had gotten overwhelming that we have to deal with was in putting together the outline.  I know that Kelsie does that sort of thing, but after she produces something major the rest of us have to accommodate our lives around it and to tell you the truth it is a little scary because it is such a huge process.  I’ve been listening to Dr. Marvin and he’s saying that you are doing the project all on your own without a boss so we can do it anyway we wish, but we’re at a tizzy between getting it all or none – in the traditional black and white thinking of some of our parts. 

We figured that we would make sure everything else in our life was in order and then we would get back to it … I’m thinking that if we could work more closely with the schedule we’d put out, we’d be less likely to get overwhelmed by any one thing, but the fact that we were getting on a schedule, seems to have been threatening to some of the insiders.  I know for myself (Corey) that I’ve felt a need to be doing more writing of late.  There’s always the feeling of losing information, but there is more too … sometimes I just need the process of writing to think.  I think the system is looking at it as … as curators of information, that the information that we put out as an individual blogger is important as anyone else’s blog information.  So that when everything else collapses if we continue to make entries then we’ve got something solid.  I believe when we do the broader work, we have more to write and think about then making sure our laundry gets cleaned, but in general it at least keeps us on a track. 

This morning we were on Twitter and someone collected a list of 70 Learning Management Systems that were supposed to be free.  I’m not sure if that isn’t just a free introduction, but it surprised us that there were so many free systems.  We had found the Blackboard Coursesites a day or two ago and that still has to be investigated.  Again, we are waiting for some clarity in our thinking processes and available time.  We saved the list though to investigate later.  We did look at the first one, but didn’t get too far without running into their sales team.  That tells me that it is most likely not free.  The name open source is a misnomer if it isn’t open to teaching without a cost.  That’s our opinion though.

Ok, we’re back again.  It’s just after 11 am, and we went down with garbage and to put clothes in the dryer.  That person’s clothes we covered didn’t dry all the way – too many jeans, and they still smelled, but we just put the damp clothes on top of the dryer.  The lady who watches things downstairs came out to check on the washer and she said that those clothes had been in the washer for more than 24 hours, and that two other people had wanted to use the laundry yesterday and didn’t.  I guess I’m the neighbor who doesn’t care to wait.  The lady and us reviewed a few should be could be’s and then we moved on.  The bottom line is our clothes are in the dryer and we’ll go down at noon to retrieve them.  I’m sure I went out of my way enough.  I had to put in three dryer sheets, and we’re hoping that covers the stench of the other’s clothes … you just can’t cramp wet clothes for a day and hope that things will be ok.

Ok, moving past that point again.  These are life’s minor irritants … If we’re playing our game well they won’t circumvent us. 

Hmm, we’ve been looking at a learning management system (LMS) through … this one seems pretty open and very easy.  I’m thinking they have a paid version too, but we haven’t seen that yet.  The course in itself seems to support SCORM, videos, pictures, docs, PDFs, PowerPoint, and Slideshare, which are the things we are most familiar with.  It doesn’t seem to have a limit on course or number of students and it has a fairly simple help section with a learning manual for administrators, teachers, and students.  I think the nice part would be is that anyone taking my courses could also set up easy courses for themselves and then improve the program from the inside out.  I like that part.

Hmm, now it’s 12:18 PM and we’ve done a few things.  We investigated some more LMS, but found primarily the same thing … there were limits as to usability AND costs to maintain the learning site from $9 to many thousand dollars.  The TalentLMS continues to be the simplest open design.  I’m going to wait a bit as to reading more, but in general it seems to add value and simplicity, while being open enough to be useful.  I don’t think it has blog, wikis or chat, but maybe is for another time and place.  For right now I need a format to be establishing a series of courses and lessons.  I REALLY don’t know what to do there exactly, but it feels an ok place to land for now.  The bigger deal will be then to get back to the Adobe e-learning suite.  Maybe we should schedule some time to do that?

If we were following our schedule we’d be done with Domestic Goddess work – the house IS picked-up and the clothes were laundered, folded and put-away (still need to steam).  We’ve come SOME distance on the blogging, but I’m not sure really how much content was added.  BUT, if we were to end soon and be able to honestly say we’ve gone back to the scheduled program?  WOW!  That be great.  For today it would mean:

12:30-4:30 PM News/Reading/Curating
4:30-6 PM Miscellaneous
6-7:30 PM Adobe
7:30 -9 PM Quilting
9-10:30 PM Rich

That be a splendiferous series of events, then right?  Sure feel good to be on track.  I see then the only thing holding me back is that we have to end this blog entry AND we have to open up the blogs again to be reading through them.  I wouldn’t feel guilty about anything then because we would be doing “our thing” the thing we WANTED to do if all was good. 

Does that mean we don’t have any other crisis?  Problem?  Need to stall?  Ok, well, yes there it is easier to just pluck away here than to do something hard, BUT we would have more satisfaction if we were Getting back to our REAL work, right?  Just that I’m afraid that we’re going to post this entry and then read back over it and find nothing of substance including our running conversation on the bad laundry tenant. 

Hehehe maybe you were looking for a conclusion there.  We hear the guy came in drunk the other night, and forgot not only the wet load, but another load on the floor.  BUT, we got out of there AND we made way for someone to come in behind us.  It usually seems to work if we start laundry about 8-9 AM.  REMEMBER THAT!  OK.  We also have to remember that we established more writing times, just less time when we do write to keep things a little more succinct.  We still have to worry about our vacancy of thought in that we could write for several hours with no grand life solution met. 

Oh Lord.  Let’s just settle then for moving on ;)


Enhanced by Zemanta

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Thoughts at rest seem to stay at rest, thoughts in motion tend to stay in motion

Thursday, October 25, 2012 @ 10:55 AM

Linda didn't say too much about the new shoes ... Thought she'd like them :(

Good morning.  This is me and we’ve been up for only about 2-3 hours.  We spend a few moments with Linda, but then she had to be moving.  We have just finished checking out our morning tasks on the computer.  We’ve read over yesterday’s entry several times and still find ourselves someone cast over its spell.  We’re going to try moving on.  We did leave a note on Twitter and FB and a few FB friends were very supportive in helping us grasp the meaning of living in the moment and not mentally overloading.  I don’t think they said it just like that, but I think they really meant to help us in not overthinking something that was out of our control. 

We haven’t yet gotten to the point that we are moving on too fast literally with the day.  It is rainy outside so there are muted sounds coming from the balcony door area.  There is construction happening about a half block away, or at least the roadwork for updating the vacant land, and there is sounds from the quarry a mile or two away.  We rarely think of it until we’re given the right atmospheric pressure to be hearing machinery from distance.

We’ve had our afternoon popcorn.  Ok, just barely in that time frame – more LATE morning than early afternoon, but it seemed to be the thing to do AND we’re done drinking coffee for the day so figured it go with moving on to an ice cold glass of pop.  Did I say anything ran here on standards?  I think not!

There should be ways to move past the ideas in our head.  It is Thursday, right?  Dr. Marvin isn’t going to be in for the next couple of days.  We’ll talk to him again on Tuesday.  It seems like a long time, but on the more sane side of things we’re still looking forward to meeting our Grandson and Laura.  It is going to happen just three days from now.  We have to keep that in perspective so we’re in good Ann shape to be handling it.  That probably means getting back into our body again, and not so much our thoughts, but then here we are one being … and though many minds, still just one being and we have to be putting ourselves forward in some manner that’s progressive. 

Maybe we are into some kind of routines when things like this happen and we’ve been mentally gone for a couple days.  I’m pretty sure domestic Goddess work is in order.  Thinking we should look around.  The bed isn’t made, there are things to put away in the living room, clothes are in need of attention including the five clothes that Rich put out for us to be steamed.  I’m pretty sure there are dishes on the counter and I’m thinking the sewing table AND the drafting table are out of sorts.  Yup, yup … garbage needs to be taken out and floor vacuumed.  Sometimes our life can be so trustworthy.  We know for example if we don’t do things like this … they stay that way.  Seems the only thing we can do is get it back to order and then maybe because of that silly commercial that keeps coming back to our mind, “Things at rest, seem to stay at rest, while things in motion tend to stay in motion.”  Have you heard that one?  Maybe its for something like Cymbalta … checking that out.  Hmmm, seems to work with chronic low back pain and chronic Osteoarthritis pain. 

That’s like us!  We’ll have to talk to Dr. Marvin about it.  It says that it is not a NSAID.  It says that it is a treatment of major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety peripheral neuropathic pain in addition to the musculoskelateal pain … seems like something we should ask about, but thinking that Dr. Marvin might defer it to Dr. Albright.  We haven’t seen our regular doctor for over a year because of problems with billing, but we might call and ask if we could come in.  We usually wait though until there is a definite reason to.  I think this medicine has good advertisement if it is getting me to think about it.  My preference would be that it be against the law to sell medicine to patients, before doctors recommend it.  Because here we are thinking we need the stuff AND our doctor hasn’t said so.  Girl … I think you are heading down the wrong path.

Let’s get back to the thought of things in motion tend to stay in motion?  Maybe we could look at clothes tomorrow, but start elsewhere on that list … this would then be like Ann rebooting again, right?

Let’s look first at the Living Room – particularly the drafting table.  If we could clear that up, we’d be more likely to go back to the cutting of fabric work we left behind 3-4 days ago, hmm?  GO!

Ok, good good … that’s a start.  We worked as long as our back tolerated and got ALL the LR picked up and vacuumed (including the drafting table) … it’s not really much more than about ten minutes of work, but it’s at the peak of our tolerance level without taking a break.  I know just is.  Next will be working in the bedroom to make the bed and prepare a load of clothes to go downstairs tomorrow morning.  That be a good deal … AND if we were really working well we’d do the steaming of shirts, right?  Ok, maybe not that much, but definitely finishing the work in the kitchen and sewing room.

Ok, that’s lined up … and we’ve bought ourselves about 15 minutes so what is next to be thinking through?  We are feeling a little better just making this much progress.  One of the silly things we did this morning, but seemed necessary was that we got someone in the system their horoscope reader on the phone again.  We’d lost it when switching from Sprint to Verizon phones.  It took a little scouting, but we eventually found the right one.  We had liked it over anything else we’d seen in our lives.  I know it’s silly and on the days that it gives negative stuff we try to ignore it, but then there are other days where it says good things are happening and we then probably work a little harder to make that happen. 

This morning it said:

People who have become lost in the desert – suffering from great thirst and heat exhaustion have been known to experience mirages. The mirages might involve the water and shade they craved, and perhaps a friendly person who was there to save them.  The mirage was real to the person because he or she was absolutely physically and emotionally desperate.  You may want to believe something right now.  It’s not such a desperate situation as above, but there is a longing you hope to fulfill, and so you’re telling yourself that what you’ve found is “it” but something very real and far better awaits you, if you can be more open to the possibilities.

The nice thing about horoscopes is that they give you mind imagination to roam.  We’re thinking this morning since we’ve been longing for the relationship with an old friend who’s very smart and seems to have it all – including a sort of mental stability, that that is our craving … to be smart, active and mentally stable – and it’s just this person represents it in our life.  So the “it” might not be her, but there might be something that will assist in something more real if we are open to “the possibilities”  We know that this other person has moved on with her life and she always seems busy and with newer friends.  We can take from this situation the ideal she represents in our life and still be ok with the part where we have Rich.  It is not so much a denunciation of him, or our lifestyle, it’s more just that I want to be more in life than this person sitting back on a disability and providing nothing beneficial to mankind.  I know it probably seems silly too … just doesn’t everyone want to contribute something of him or herself forward?

We just ran into another situation.  A couple of weeks ago, Maury and Nikki told me that Ame would have a band concert today and we had forgotten.  It would mean that we’d have to leave the house about 5 pm, and so then be in the shower in about 3 ½ hours.  I would like to go for Ame and the kids, but then I know I’m not in good shape yet either.  It is good that we started to move ourselves forward with the cleaning and picking up, but it means that we’d have to go fully forward and pretty fast with it to get our thoughts in the right kind of order to be leaving the house on our own – with both the drive and walking into a place crowded with people.  We’ve done it in the past, but usually we remember closer to the event and have a clearer path toward getting there.  I wonder what Rich is doing?  I think he said something about seeing Christopher this afternoon/evening.  I better check.

AHA!  That helps a lot.  Rich said he might be seeing his son earlier and that he’d have to leave by 4 pm, but he thought he might be able to go with me.  That would help a lot because I wouldn’t have to worry so much about driving and parking and I’d have him there to help me get through the crowdedness.  We left a message for Maury to let him know that we were going to try being there.  Rich had to put some other things in motion, but he’s going to give me a call back as things progress, BUT the general idea would that we get to go!  I feel really bad.  The first part answered is this important?  That was NOT the question to be asking one’s son about his daughter.  Of COURSE it’s important you NUT!  Ok, let’s not be calling each other names.  We know that there are parts that love this sort of thing and will make it right in the end, it’s just that there’s no backing out of our processes that are going to get us from this moment to that one.  We will without a doubt be happy if we can do it and we love to send encouragement out to Ame to be continuing her work in learning the violin.  We’re so proud of the kids when they put their hearts into doing something a little more to stretch their minds and abilities.  It’s a GOOD Ame!

Ok, pretty sure Ame couldn’t do wrong, but just saying GOOD!

We’re figuring that the time has gotten also past five minutes so we’re going to check out the bedroom and make sure everything is put right, brb

Oh man did that hurt, BUT we got both the bedroom and the kitchen picked-up and started the dishwasher too.  That certainly had to get started.  I couldn’t fit one cup or one brownie pan though it appears Rich had it soaking.  Good Rich!

There things went full circle ALMOST … we did just talk to Maury again.  He obviously likes it better when Rich is there because then he doesn’t have to worry about me driving in the dark.  My getting all the parts together to drive on the expressway is always a task in a half.  We have parts that don’t have any trouble with it, but they don’t deal with any of our lower-ordered shenanigans.  Yup yup … we are the parts that grumble about starting the dishwasher.  I know how hard could that be.  Most people do it without even thinking on the way to something much more demanding than getting through the day.  But, then this is part of our problem we’re not most people.  We’re just us. 

Maury seemed happier that we were making the effort and we apologized for the other part and thanked him for jump-starting our day.  He laughed he said that’s what kids are for and that they jump-started their day all the time.  Hehehe – Hey … we did our share of parenting – now it’s your turn!  And, yes the very least a grandparent can do is to honor the accomplishments of said Granddaughter!  Maybe there will be ice cream after too?  That’s the kind of thing I would want to do after an event like this.  I know that kids get excited to be performing and no one wants to exactly JUST go home afterward.  There should be some kind of congratulations, right!??  Ok, we’re starting to perk-up here.  We will just have to convince Rich it’s a good idea too … USUALLY Maury is up to it with his girls!

Hi … we’re back again … it’s about 4 pm.  I’m not sure what happened with the time.  We know we took a shower, and the house is taken care of. 

I really don’t know what we’ve been doing.  The last thing I did before opening this document again was I checked the email, facebook and Twitter.  It seems it hadn’t been too long since we checked because there wasn’t much new stuff up.  I suppose the next thing would be to figure out how much time we lost. 

Last time we noted a time in our writing was about 12:30 pm when we were figuring out our shower … and now it is 4 pm.  I know we took our shower, cleaned our house … Hmm, I know one thing that would have been a time stealer … we watched 2-3 quilting shows.  That’s then probably where most of that time went.  I think we were looking for something on Applique hoping to pick up some new information.  I’m not sure if we learned anything we needed to do, but at least most the time is accounted for right?  I think Rich was going over to his son’s and was going to leave there at about this time and it should take him about an hour to get home, plus he will be late so I’m thinking he’ll get her in about an hour and a half (5:30 PM) And, that will leave about an hour to get to Ame’s concert.  Our day really did change about that point.  We’re now grateful to be going. 

Just that it is kind of warm, dark and cloudy outside.  I didn’t remember moving the curtains, so I’m guessing they’ve been open since Rich left.  Just one curtain open half way.  Did we eat popcorn yet?  Thinking maybe before noon.  I think Rich needs more variety around here.  We’re thinking that we’re going to miss normal dinner so we’re preparing ourselves in case Rich doesn’t schedule in dinner until after the concert.

We’re trying to catch up with our time.  We got dressed and ready to go.  It’s about 4:45 PM.  Rich just called about 15 minutes ago and I think he is another 30 minutes out.  I got confused with time again.  Sometimes we just stray away from ourselves and it is hard to pick-up on exact times.  You know one part does something and being in the area another part will do something and eventually you sit down, and you are face the keyboard and Word Doc, but you don’t really know what all you did.  Maybe even normal people have this happen to them. 

Whoops it was only 15 minutes and he’s already home.  He’s getting cleaned up and we need to drink an Herbalife Shake, because it’s too much for him to eat yet.  It works.  He says he will be ready in another 15 minutes.  We’ll call Maury when we are on the road.  It sounds like we’re going to get there in plenty of time.  Just gotta pace myself with this drink, because I usually take my time.  They are like drinking a real shake and can freeze up your insides in minutes.

We made an executive decision with our Twitter account … we took a name off our list.  It is a multiple and I would like to think we are open to anyone, but this particular one added a comment every 5-8 people.  Her message was usually very negative and spoke derogatively of her family, household and life in general.  I was avoiding looking at the multiples column because she seemed to be there with another negative statement each time I looked and she must really sit on Twitter all day.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  It should be ok, I don’t owe anything to anyone, just it feels bad to give-up on a person.  I wasn’t interested in building a relationship to her and the best I could do was to take my own negative mindset of her away.  Sometimes it just helps not to think about things that are disturbing.  Maybe someone will do that to me sometime too, but all you can say is sorry.  It was a boundary crossing I could no longer disregard.

Maybe we’ll look at that again … but, now time for the concert … well in like 5 minutes … we still need to post and Rich is closing his eyes for a few moments.  I think he had a hard day … we’ll soon find out. 


Enhanced by Zemanta

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Such a Mixed Up Set of Thoughts Day...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 @ 12:03 PM

Afternoon.  This is us again.  Sorry for having lost the morning – we weren’t being very productive.  We had tried following a series of leads and were then in general learning, but there was a certain amount of unproductivity because we were skimming along different sites knowledge and not getting very far into the depth or value of the sites.  Just too much to sort downward.  We did talk to someone from Blackboard who recommended for their free service to use their “” site for online classrooms.  It would allow for up to five courses and maybe like 20 learners.  I’m not so sure of the latter part.  We spent some time looking at the course structure, but it was too much for us to focus on for long.  We really have to go back to Adobe Captivate though because Coursesites states it does SCORM, I’m thinking we can upload from the Captivate program through the program. 

We’re not really thinking too well into that area though.  We feel we are in recovery mode.  We had a meltdown before we got to Dr. Marvin’s last night because of problems with the pharmacy.  There was a tech there who wasn’t doing her job, and was very arrogant and was blaming Dr. Marvin for not doing his job.  It goes into depth, but we don’t want to do it at that level.  She wouldn’t help us figure out how to get the medicine she was saying wasn’t ordered and she refused to call Dr. Marvin stating they only use fax.  It was just the building over, but I felt I was lost in nomanland.  It was terrible and we were frustrated and angry and was trying to handle a high level of emotions.  We didn’t say many words.  We did tell her she was wrong because Dr. Marvin didn’t make mistakes.  As it turned out the first time she didn’t know about the prescription having been filled, because she trusted because he hadn’t called her personally that he hadn’t taken care of the matter.  He had sent it through their computer system.  That was last week, she had never bothered to look.  Then we told her that had been the problem last time, and then she didn’t say anything, but she found the problem and then later blamed it on the computer because it was off.  And, then she was missing one of the six medicines and she said she couldn’t help it because the doctor had forgotten that one, but then later Dr. Marvin said that she had sent over the prescriptions again which he’d filled the week before, but she didn’t send over the missing one, so he hadn’t known it was supposed to be filled.  I guess we’re talking about this anyway aren’t we.

It doesn’t cover the emotional breakdown that our system went through.  She wasn’t trying to be helpful and was blaming anyone but herself.  She’s in another program for people that need assistance with their medicine, but the regular pharmacist overlooked the computer base.  We didn’t know why medicine they were missing and we said it was on the computer, and then we remembered it started with an R.  The regular pharmacist said that it was the Risperidal.  He saw it on the computer, but the technician had not.  Dr. Marvin’s note this morning said then that he talked to the MAP pharmacist that I think he usually talks to and told her that we had been very upset.  She apologized for the tech’s behavior and said they are working to improve the system.  It was a very bad deal. 

We almost ran out of the pharmacy we were so upset.  We were saying fewer words than more, because we were having trouble thinking … they were very specific. By the time we burst through Dr. Marvin’s office – he said just a few moments late, but that was part of the problem.  They didn’t care if we missed our appointment and part way through the tech had gone out to have a chip break.  I think when we got to Dr. Marvin’s office we were pretty much shaking.  I remember pushing the medicine and he must have figured out then it was a pharmacy problem.  A few words probably came out, but we couldn’t talk to him.  I think he was at the computer doing something and about then we crashed.  I think it’s the systems way of dealing with excess emotions.  We couldn’t talk, listen, see, behave in any way except to cover our face and hide until the thoughts quit bombarding our head.  I think in the process it is like falling asleep.  Basically, everything stops working.  After awhile someone started to move and then it’s a hard process to keep willing ourselves to take another step and another.  Like it’s one thing to open your eyes, but to move your neck takes more effort.  I don’t know how long the process lasted.  I think at some point we were able to sit up again and tell Dr. Marvin some of what must have happened, but we remember him also saying that we had about 3 minutes left and that put us through another level of trying to figure out how we were going to leave the room.  Someone told Dr. Marvin we wanted to run but our legs didn’t move that fast.  And, they asked or said something about the monkey lab.  We haven’t thought of that for a long time, but it is where we used to hide on campus when there had been a problem with Dr. Woollcott.  Now the door is kept locked. 

We made it to the car and then we were out of it again.  Around 5:30 pm a half hour later, someone was up enough to call Rich.  We weren’t talking regular yet, but we got him to understand we were going to be late, but would drive as soon as we were able.  Then we were out of it for another half hour.  Even though the appointment was at 4, it took us until 6:30 PM before we got home.  I think one part of that was that the system had to go to the bathroom.  We were having trouble motivating ourselves, but had thought to put a candy bar in the equation.  Parts let it be known that if we could handle driving, we’d stop at the gas station for a candy bar.  We have only done that a handful of times over the many years driving the route home.  It helped, but we weren’t in our best shape driving home.  Fortunately, we made it.  Rich had dinner soon, and then we fell asleep again.  He got us to take our medicine, because apparently while we were sleeping he had made brownies and he said we could have a brownie if we took our medicine.  I think we’d told him that nobody wanted to take the medicine from Dr. Marvin.  I think we were almost yelling at him we weren’t taking it.  We were having trouble getting past our more emotional logic. 

We’re listening to Enya now … we had listened to the lady from yesterday, but Enya is who we listen to when we need to calm down.  Most of the day has seemed like a daze.  We wrote a note back to Dr. Marvin, but we’re not sure if he is going to answer it.  Just more of us trying to get past the shock part of yesterday.  We’re trying to make it ok that it is over, just still feel threatened by the whole thing.  It is going to be hard to convince our parts that we have to go back.  It’s a special program because we can’t afford the full cost of the medicine, but it is very overwhelming.  We’ve had some kind of trouble or another each time we’ve gone in.  I hate the place and it is difficult to walk the extra distance.  The other part is having to walk up tall stairs, and then having to stand while waiting for help.  All in all it’s a very unwelcoming place.

We have to move past this part … I suppose then we have to put other thoughts back in our brain.  Something besides we’re never going back.  It got to a point where the suicidal thoughts started again, but then is when we went into the meltdown.  We’re thinking now that when we get like this it is mostly Annemarie trying to handle things.  We don’t understand yet why it is important that when we go out that sometimes she is out.  She probably handles emotions the worst but we’re not sure why things go to her then and why we couldn’t of had a practical part out.  Rich was trying to tell us last night that there are other ways to handle this, but we were in such an emotional state … we weren’t coping anymore. 

It makes me feel mad now that we had to pay $290 to just get through a session of state we went to because of an idiot technician.  We couldn’t understand what to do when she wouldn’t help, and then the regular pharmacist was there, but because this was another program the idiot lady was in charge of not helping us understand the problem it was just … nothing I can do!  Just that she could do something, but wouldn’t.  It’s a really bad program.  It’s a bad way to treat people just because we can’t pay for our medicines.  We still paid $50 just that one of the medicines cost over $400 … we can’t afford it.

Just rereading over Dr. Marvin’s note.  It seems like he has taken care of the situation with the pharmacist.  It feels good that he did some intervening, but not sure what went through from one to another.  I would think nobody likes getting scolded by a doctor especially if that’s what happened.  Dr. Marvin is very diplomatic though he wouldn’t say anything out of order.  He can probably say he’s frustrated without doing it the wrong way.  The place is just so darn scary.

Ok, we’re not doing a very good job of getting past this are we?  What else can we focus on?  Hmm, there is one thing!  I remember talking to Sir Sweetie-Pie this morning and he said that we could go out for dinner tonight and that it would count as our 18th year anniversary.  It’s actually on Saturday, but he’s got three games that day … we did get a rather nice commitment to some Tom Foolery afterward, but we’re going to need be conscientious that it is a lot of basketball games and that he might be tired.

We talked about it a little bit this morning – the first time he made a romantic overture toward us.  I’m sure we told this story before, but we’d been working for him (he was our boss) and we had been doing long Thursday nights doing payroll – often til 10-midnight.  He and Sean and Myron had taken turns sometimes staying with us, because it was a long night and we were in the building all by ourselves.  This particular night, Rich was supposed to be taking us home.  He had come from a celebration for Shirley Phram who had been the comptroller for a long time.  She was retiring and we’re thinking that Rich probably had a couple drinks which is something he didn’t usually do.  Shirley was a hard person to deal with and I think he thought there was some relief in her going. 

We were working through our paces when he came in and we could tell by his behavior that he was in a rush and we were thinking that we had to finish it our way … methodologically so we wouldn’t make a mistake.  I remember him trying to rush us through the editing part where we knew we had to check for mistakes before posting and that took extra time he didn’t want to put into it.  We thought he just wanted to get home, but we’re thinking now he had ulterior motives. 

Basically, somehow or another, he was looking out distractively over at the skyline which faced the then Sears tower and other.  We were located on the 8th floor facing downtown Chicago two blocks off of Union Station.  He seemed to be slowing down after looking out the window … we were thinking he was just taking a rest.  But, then he said that we should come over and look out at the skyline.  We we’re probably pretty close to the end of our work and so stood by the window for a moment, but then he said that we should sit down.  He was sitting down next to us.  Sometime in a very short amount of time, he moved his left hand to our right leg – thigh.  I don’t think we really understood what was happening.  We went into all kinds of feelings, but the one I can remember most was the part where our body froze.  We didn’t know what to do … we just froze.  I’m thinking there were some warm fuzzy feelings, but I’m sure at the time the whole thing was pretty overwhelming. 

We don’t remember what exactly happened next or what he was saying to us.  I’m pretty sure there must have been some words.  For the most part, we just remember his hand on our thigh and not knowing what to do.  I’m thinking at this point, he might have stated some of his intent … maybe he told us he was attracted to us, I don’t know.  The next part I remember – also that night was that he was sitting on the edge of a table in the workshop and sometime somehow he had announced his intent to kiss us.  Lordy … I’m pretty sure that put us over the top.  We were interested in having him kiss us, but this was whole new territory.  We remember the age regression and being intimidated and hiding behind the skid.  He was very thoughtful and conscientious about moving us from one location to being next to him where he gave us a kiss.  I don’t remember if it were a little smooch or a big one.  We were pretty much in one gigantic swoon.

This morning we asked if he had been sexually attracted to us and he sort of blushed saying we could probably figure that out for ourselves.

One other part we remember of that night was that we had a long talk on the way home and he talked about being married and that we weren’t supposed to worry about that and it was his problem, but that he wasn’t planning on getting a divorce and that the relationship between us could only work if we didn’t tell anybody anything about it.  I think it had been said though also while we were on the workshop floor, because we told him if we couldn’t tell Dr. Woollcott, that we couldn’t do it because we told our doctor everything.  I think he thought of it for a moment, but then said yes, we could tell Dr. Woollcott.  That was another part, but just holding on to this part.  We were pretty buzzed, stunned, overwhelmed, excited as hell … all of the above. 

One way or another this was our first romantic night.  We’d been working together for about 10 months.  This was the first time I had known he was romantically interested in us.  I don’t know where we were.  We don’t know the real relationship before that time.  I know that he wasn’t around all the time, but that we were excited when we saw him.  He was very important in our world.  He had once early on explained he was ONLY middle management.  I’m not sure what built up to that conversation.  I think we were putting him on a very high pedestal and it was his way of saying he was just a normal guy.  We’ve been together ever since and it is now 18 years later.  We had been divorced, but he remained married for some time afterward until his wife finally found out about us about five years ago when Rich had accidently left one of my notes to him up on his computer at home.  They separated that day and he came here and now we’ve been living together for five years.  He’s still not interested in  marriage, but I don’t blame him.  He’s still paying $3000 alimony to his wife and we are piecing together our fincances on a month to month basis.  He had said that he couldn’t be a good husband because he wasn’t able to take care of us.  He also said at one point because we had so much debt and in need of services that he couldn’t afford to take us on and it would mean a lessoning of my resources through government assistance which is necessary to continue with Dr.’s and medicine. 

I’m thinking that it is pretty close to another anniversary so that is why we’re thinking about this sort of thing again.  I don’t know if he would have known the outcome if he would have made that first move.  I was confused too because a couple other people at work had made sexual moves and in those cases, we had told him about what had happened and he’d had to take care of the matter as a boss.  I’m not sure what he thought of all that.  We know that he had several meetings with us.  I don’t know if it ever went onto our official reports.  I am thinking that he kept it off.  He did have one key instigator transferred to another building.  But, it seemed that it had gone around … there were five males involved one at a time.  Three were specialists, one was a shipping/receiving clerk and one was a counselor.  They were all black. The two people that had not abused the situation were Sean and Myron.  Both of those men were black also, but although we’re sure they’d talked to others, that they never abused the relationship sexually.  The same kind of thing had happened later with BJ so our thinking was always that we must have had some sign on our forehead saying that we were sexually approachable.  Maybe more like we were not able to defend ourselves.  I’m sure too that since we were divorced we had some need to be taken care of.  I wasn’t attracted to any of these people it seemed more a matter of defense in trying to protect ourselves. 

I’m not sure where our mind was at by the time that Rich started the sexual relationship.  I don’t know if we had thought it was something different.  I know we did give Sean some indication that something had happened and somehow Rich smoothed that out, but we got driven home and reprimanded saying we couldn’t ever talk to Sean about it.  He was like the middleman between us and Rich.  Sean backed off and didn’t ever approach it again.  We never said anything to anyone about it.  I think toward the end that Diane knew about it.  She had been our typing instructor.  I know she left sometime and there was another instructor, but I don’t think that Diane ever said anything.  She was also black.  I don’t know why this is important now, but maybe it was just such a different environment for us that we didn’t know how to respond properly to it.

BJ was white, and so is Rich.  We did send a note to BJ just a couple weeks ago.  We had just found out that Brother Jerome had died and we hurt for BJ because we knew how extremely close they were.  But, that’s enough for now on that.  BJ is another story of someone outside the JVS experience.  Other than BJ’s approaching us, we’ve never had another sexual experience other than Rich in these last 18 years.  Things have felt very safe.  They weren’t safe back in those days.  I’m sure I had the biggest crush on Rich, but as we might have stated before, I’m sure there was some confusion that I didn’t know if Rich weren’t going to be another relationship like these other five males.  They were all within the same 10 months or so.  It was such a horrifying experience.  I hadn’t thought very much of ourselves, because these sorts of things kept happening.  There was like a code or sharing between them so that it became more like here it goes again.  Usually they would tell me they were interested in us sexually and then we’d like freeze up and then they would begin to tell me what they wanted to do and then they would do it.  We didn’t know how to stop it.  We were being told and would follow direction probably much like when my grandfather or father would tell us what to do.  We went into a mode of obeying and it didn’t matter what our thoughts were. 

This is a very embarrassing thing to us now.  And, I think the worst part would be if we were in the same situation now would we know any better how to handle it?  It seems that with Rich – besides BJ there was never another adult male around us with the exception of our grown sons.  I don’t think they really knew about these situations.  As mentioned earlier, it was four years later and I’d moved to MN before I told them about Rich.  In ’97 when we lost everything, we also gave up our work, our Doctor and Rich.  We’d lost the boys, the house, the dog, and had gone bankrupt.  We spent two years in MN.  Rich came up to Winona to still be with us every 3-4 weeks.  BJ had convinced us that we shouldn’t be in that relationship and for three months we refused to see or talk to Rich, but then he just came up anyway and forced us to sit down and talk to him.  Somewhere in there BJ had made his sexual move.  I remember that when we were in the hospital, we had tried to contact BJ and he said that the police had been there and he couldn’t ever talk to us again.  I remember also talking to Rich.  He knew what had happened and I’m sure he told us to follow the doctor’s orders.  He’d known about the ECT, and I’m sure after we got back to our home he found his way back to MN to be with us.  We’ve always been together since.  I don’t know if Rich hasn’t always considered himself appointed toward my well-being.  I don’t know how the abuse from the past plays into all of this.  I do feel a loyalty toward Rich.  I hadn’t wanted the relationships to the others, but with the exception of those three months, I’ve wanted Rich to be in our life as our love of life. 

I don’t know what kind of pressure our lack of ability in taking care of ourselves had figured into Rich’s love of us.  He’s always had the back hand in helping us do the things that we are supposed to do to be taking care of ourselves.  Sometimes we get very frustrated that he is scolding us for one thing or another, but if push came to shove, we would defer to Rich.  He’s always been our safety.  I think that we’d follow Dr. Woollcott or Dr. Marvin first, but the two of them have always respected our relationship with Rich and have worked with us so that we’d give Rich an equal partner.  Maybe it is not as much as responsibility or adulthood, but as to someone trying to be in a valid relationship.

That was Rich.  He just called.  He had figured out how to pick up the last medicine that was ready at the bad pharmacy.  He said he is going straight out to his mothers, and then he would be home and we should count on being ready at 6 pm to go out for dinner and Margarita’s.  I had already forgotten we were supposed to do that.  We tried to get out of it, but he reminded us that it was for our anniversary and that if we didn’t, he would be reminded of it for the rest of the week.  I’m pretty sure he was right.  Just we have to go out again and after yesterday it is a bit more intimidating.  It should be ok, he is my protector, isn’t he?  If there was one safe way in the world to go out it would be with Rich.

And, it’s for our anniversary and that’s what this is all about anyway right?  Anyway this is what Rich and us talked about – though in not as much detail this morning. 

We talked a little bit about what happened at the pharmacy and with Dr. Marvin last night with Rich.  He goes through his paces in trying to handle things, but we were told afterward that not only had we called him saying we couldn’t drive home yet, but then his mother called and told him she was going to take pills to kill herself, because Bud wouldn’t give her alcohol or smokes.  It is putting a terrible pressure on Rich.  I’m pretty sure I’m enough to handle all by myself, but his mother isn’t taking care of herself … when she’s not drinking she wants to be dead, and when she’s drinking she’s very dangerous to herself.  There seems to be no end to it.  I hate to say this, because I don’t think I ever have, but I hope that her body gives out on her soon, just to stop what she’s putting Rich through.  He feels guilty because he’s not taking care of her proper.  It just isn’t fair.  She’s not even trying.  Right now he’s on his way out there.  He says its not for a visit, but to talk to her about her behaviors.  That is probably a good thing.  He certainly doesn’t have an easy life.

After we talked about that last night – mostly me listening, he went into talking about his business.  There seems to be so much on him.  I suppose then the least we can do is be ready to go out, right?  MAKE RICH’S LIFE EASIER.  It’s our new mantra. J

It’s now about 2 pm.  We stopped by the FB page, but Linda just left a note saying all that she’s gotten done today and that she’s going back out and should be home about 3 pm.  We’ll try to talk to her then.  We left her a short note to catch her up on the day. 

As to the other … Rich doesn’t deserve the life he is getting.  I think we are the easy part and we offer a lot of confusion.  I do have to admit he was sneaky with the medicine.  We had told him and Dr. Marvin we weren’t going to take it anymore, but then Rich takes us out to the kitchen and shows us the brownies in the oven and said … good girls get brownies because they take their medicine.  HMPF … we’ve STILL got no DEFENSES!  Yeah ok, we took our medicine. 

He must have been interested in us knowing he’d have similar things to work through with his mother.  She’s not eating or taking her medicine now either.  She can’t hold herself up with the amount of drinking she does, but insists she can take care of her life.  She’s not.  Ok, we’re not going into all that again.

Trying to separate ourselves in mannerisms that might be like one another.  We did drink for the one month, but then between that, stress, and medicine, we had gotten the stomach ulcer and lost more than half our blood.  That was like a message to us saying we have to drink less, distress and the doctor learned we couldn’t take a certain kind of medicine.  That one wasn’t our fault.  I don’t remember the kind it was some kind of medicine like a type of aspirin or Tylenol that was used to take down the pain of arthritis.    I think it starts with a M, but that is as far as we can figure out.  AHA!  We figured it out … we put in arthritis and aspirin and came out with NSAIDs.  That’s the kind we can’t take and the study we’re reading says that it is nonsteroid anti-inflammatory drugs and that their assistance with preventing cardiovascular disease is wiped out due to the gastrointestinal and intracranial bleeding which can be fatal.

Ok, that was enough of that … ANYWAY … the thing is that after you know something is dangerous, you have to stop doing it OR, put yourself in for the appropriate help.  She’s like not doing that either.  She’s like stubbornly dragging herself down a deathtrek, and the only people it is going to hurt is her family.  But, the fact of the matter is that she doesn’t care because the booze is more important to her.  BLAH!

Ok, ok ok … shhhh, this is not going to help us get back to being more productive.  One thing for sure is that we will get ourselves ready to go out with Rich.  It’s 2:20 pm now and we’ll be ready by 5 pm in case he gets home early … so that means shower by 4 pm – giving us about 1 ½ hours to write or do something good for us.  Linda is getting her glasses and stopping for wrapping paper, so I’m not sure if she’ll be back by 3 pm, she might be pressing things.  I don’t think we’ve really talked to each other today. 

I wish there was something to say about what happened with Dr. Marvin today, but we lost track of him.  I know that he was at the computer when we stopped processing, and then it took us a while to get our bearings, but when we finally did there was just a little time left and he had been sitting across the room waiting for us.  I don’t know what he is thinking when he’s not talking … sometimes I think we must be very strange to him, but then he’s probably been around the bend enough to know all varieties of human behavior.  I always hate going into those behaviors, because we lose so much time, but I don’t think the system has a better way of handling hard emotions.  He’s going to be gone tomorrow so we’ll have to wait until Tuesday to talk to him.  Hopefully, he’ll tell us something that can help us figure out how our brain works in closing itself down.  That seems to be the most confusing part now.  It seems that we probably have the majority of information figured out on how we got to that stage, just don’t know the particulars on why it was so triggering.  Dr. Marvin usually says that when that much emotion goes into something that isn’t in itself provoking then some of our feelings are attaching to the incident from the past.

When I test our memory now and think through what was the worst of it was probably the anger and helplessness in that she wasn’t going to help us and that she wouldn’t talk to Dr. Marvin so the problem could be solved.  We also knew the pressure of what would happen if we couldn’t get this medicine.  Too often that kind of things end up in suicidal ideation.  We would have also known how impossible it would be for us to go back down on a no-doctor marvin day because the parking was so far away and we wouldn’t have trusted the system.  We wouldn’t know about our behavior if we had to handle the same lady and it seemed to affect us knowing that she wouldn’t care how difficult and impossible she’d been making our life.  It was also frustrating that the smarter pharmacist wouldn’t step in because it wasn’t his program. 

Something about a lady with this much apparent lack of care and arrogance being responsible between us and not only getting our much needed medicine – trapped because we couldn’t go elsewhere, and then the part of her tearing down our doctor because “he had done something wrong.”  It was all thrown in our head and mixed around and was way too overwhelming to deal with.  There was a feeling of being in a life or death predicament and not being able to get ourselves out of it.  The back-up was that Dr. Marvin would fix it, but it incensed us when she said she wouldn’t call him.  It just didn’t makes sense and it seemed to push us down this thread where nothing in life was possible.  As if a troll stood on a bridge we had to cross and he was saying no, we couldn’t go on.  In a sense it felt that she was stopping our life, although I’m pretty sure by now that Dr. Marvin would say that we were adding to the problem, but that’s the way our thinking was going.  I’m sure it relates to not having responsible people caring for us who cared and then being put into that situation again … I think it was exceptionally bad, because no one stood up for us and contradicted this woman’s behavior.  She wasn’t the kind of person who should be in charge of anyone.  Especially, in finding the next day she was just a technician.  She wasn’t even someone who should have had in our opinion that kind of authority.  She obviously did not know how to help people. 

I feel like we haven’t been able to leave the situation yet.  It’s been most of the day.  I don’t even know what else we’re supposed to be working on.  Still trying to adjust to what happened.  Trying to figure it out to prevent it from happening again.  I think Dr. Marvin is done handling this with us this week.  He is going to be out Thursday and Friday and he’d gotten an apology from the pharmacist for the MAP program, which seems to have helped him.  In one way it helps us too particularly if we trust Dr. Marvin, but directly we don’t feel it helps.  We’re still reliving the problems with the tech … while Dr. Marvin and the Pharmacist have signed off.  I don’t know if her claim to be working to improve the system will have any direct affect.  I don’t know if the next time I go in I will just be dealing with the same angered woman who is now just that much madder at us for causing a stir.  She didn’t take responsibility for any of her mistakes and I’m thinking now she’s blaming and correction to her behavior as being my problem. 

I don’t know just feeling lost with this.  I don’t think we do well with people in authority who aren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing.  I can bet pretty safely then that it is connected to my mother, father and grandfather being irresponsible.  Maybe we’ll think of this for a moment to see if we can bring down some of the anger/upset feelings of having “been attacked.”  I’m not sure if that’s the best word, just the first word that comes to mind.  We had popcorn for lunch.  Thinking we might try to put something solid on our tummy first.  Dinner won’t be until after 3-4 hours.  L

Good good, just had a sandwich and looked at FB pictures over at Julies for a few moments.  We calmed ourselves down.  That’s a good thing.  Maybe we should take a shower now in case Linda comes by to talk.  It’s about 3:10 pm now.

It’s a couple of hours later, and Linda has come and gone.  Tpony had come home and she was going to do something with dinner.  In the meantime, Rich called too and asked that we be ready 20 minutes from now, so maybe we can do a little bit of a wrap-up.  I’ve been away for a couple of hours and I’m afraid we’ve been acting badly.  Linda was patient with us, but we were brooding.  We’ve been down on ourselves for not being smart or able enough to do more with our life.  I know that comparing ourselves to others isn’t helping, and for the most part we’re just feeling sorry for ourselves.  The feelings and emotions are too hard to go into in just 20 minutes.  I think we are regretting life paths that did not happen.  It might have been different if we had grown-up in another family – especially, a non-abusive family, but instead, we have to take ownership of our own experience.  Along with that comes the realization that we are just over 50 years into our life and are still being affected by things that were happening over 50 years ago.  The first abuses were in infancy and then on to toddler.  It seems sometimes that the path is so craggy that there is no way out.

I don’t know why we turned to this stream of thought.  We were at a place just a little a bit ago where we were thinking happily over our love life.  But, now it seems as if anyone who ever knew us were more stuck with us than anything else.  I don’t usually beat ourselves up … it’s been a very long time since that has happened and in all consciousness I know I have to stop now and get on top of this series of thoughts.  Where is it coming from?  What is it that is making me feel not good enough?  I don’t know the first negative sets of thoughts today were on the pharmacy and our take-away there was that some idiotic clerk/tech person affected us and we couldn’t control the affect.  And then we went on to talk about Rich, but we again couldn’t get there without again being in control.  We’re talking of the sexualizing of our relationships by several men.  That had an affect on us too, but now we look at it more as a mile marking.  We’ve been going down this same path for so long. 

We’ve been writing about missing a high school friend.  I know that I couldn’t have followed her footsteps, but seemingly we keep coming back to this point.  Somehow she represents a world that was much saner than the one we were living.  Her and her household were a safe haven.  Maybe it is that that we miss.  I know thought that Rich provides me a relatively sound life.  We are church-mouse poor, but that doesn’t make or break a relationship though makes it sometimes tricky to navigate.  I think of the trips and travels and endless good times of our friend appearing in one group picture or another.  I think she has a very good life that is to be congratulated.  But, there lies the quandary … the working through of our mind.  I remember the competitiveness, but I don’t know how I could have ever competed against her.  I don’t even know if we realized at the time how smart she was.  What did we know about giftedness?  I don’t know what she saw in us, though at some point we’d gotten suicidal and from then on we felt more like we were doing her a disservice.  We didn’t know at that time about the multiplicity or how it was affecting our life and how are life had been channeled through abuse.  It had all been put away somewhere, but the nagging feelings of not being good enough … maybe not even from Kendra, but from the people in the past – the abusive people.  If we had been good enough they wouldn’t have created a monster in us.  Ok, shh shh girls.  We’re no monster, right?  Just we were DIFFERENT.  Lordy this doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.  I have to turn some trick in our mind though because Rich is going to call in a minute and there is no way I should be the one out with him.  I didn’t even realized I was depressed again, and then here I am sobbing up a story.  Oh Lord have mercy on me!  Ok, whatever THAT was supposed to mean.

GIRL SHAKE IT OFF!  Chances are Rich is going to need me to listen to him.  He’s been with his mother all afternoon.  That comes with its own obstacles.  This is supposed to be OUR day.  He was the right white knight, Yes?  I’d like to think we can do that though with more than just the part … he got stuck with me because he reaches for people in need of fixing. 

Yes, probably we’re going to have one Margarita tonight.  Wondering now though if we should bring our medicine too.  Most likely we’ll be out past 7 pm.  See this is what I’m talking about … How is it that some people go off to have these wondrous adventuresome lives and then some others need to be drugged day to day to get through it AND couldn’t walk to the nearest camel and back.  STOP GIRL STOP.  You are depressing even US!