Attention :)

Please also see Ann's Web Page called Multiplework

Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Updated! Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 100 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our email is and our Twitter account (@aynetal3), which lists approximately 300 Multiples. Keep looking for others - they are OUT there!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Lots of littler things going on that add up to a LOT!

Maury (son) and Ame (Granddaughter) :) :)

Explained below J

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 @ 10:27 AM

Good morning.  Not sure exactly where we are this morning.  It seems sort of like a gloomy day outside and it’s already more than half way through the morning without having done very much.  We were talking to Linda and that was productive to the respect of charting our thoughts.  It was just that we were feeling kind of down.  We were going to be doing something tomorrow which is canceled and it left us feeling a little flat.  Planning had been going toward that direction and now we have to rethink our time.  Over the last couple of days we haven’t gotten much done with the reading, writing, or even quilting.  Sort of like floating on top just treading water to stay in touch with our online social networks.  I can’t remember what we were reading yesterday, but I have the impression we were at the computer most of the day.

It feels sort of like we have lost our compass and don’t remember who we are or what we are supposed to be doing.  There’s a vague idea, but just not making the mark.  It feels like someone inside set the bar too high.  Just a mush-mess.  I sort of think that that is probably the chore ahead of ourselves is finding that more sure part of ourselves that knows and understands our direction.  We are also feeling bad because one of our friends has a sister with severe liver problems and we’re worrying over our friend and her sister and their family.  It’s a pensive feeling.  Just wish we could give more support and we don’t know what else to be doing.  I know there is praying, but it hardly seems enough.  We’re just feeling devastated for her.  I know … we got to let it go, just feeling bad.

Have you noticed the weather is kind of down too?  It’s been cloudy, rainy and overcast for some time now and the leaves are starting to fall and that’s a little sad too.  We’ve got Dr. Marvin today and that is good, but I don’t know where we are going there either.  Sometimes it seems like just soooo long before appointments and this time we have to stop and pick up medicine first so we need to remember the prescription.  It’s just what we gotta do.  Ok, still treading water here.  How am I going to make it to one bank or another?  We’re listening to Adele and that seems fine.  It goes with our mood.

I would like to do more writing now between my options, but not sure I have so much to say.  Man-o-man gotta shake this down feeling.  Yes we took our medicine.  That’s not it.  We went to bed after the Bears game last night.  They won 13-7 over Detroit.  Rich and I celebrated a little afterward, but for the most part the last quarter he was getting just a nice massage.  I’m so lucky to have that guy in my life.  He’s my happiness core!  See that’s something!  We do have Rich J

Ok, that at least got a smile.  I think we were tired yesterday.  We had stayed up until about 2 am the night before.  I don’t remember what we were doing … maybe part of it was talking to Linda.  We’re both thinking of the upcoming quilting retreat, but she’s much better at planning than we are.  For me it’s like updating our list, and then as the date comes up we’ll get to it … don’t feel much to really worry or plan toward other than having projects at hand to work with.  Not much to do in getting that ready. 

We also have the big weekend of getting to meet Austin.  That should be very good for us.  Can hardly wait to see his face and talk to him for the first time.  At 1 ½ we’re pretty sure he hadn’t remembered meeting us, but now at 12 – he’s so much more advanced than anything we could have dreamed.  I wish I had something special to give him, but I don’t know what it would be.  We’ll keep that in mind.  Just something to say hello in sharing ourselves with him.  I’m wondering if he got also more than a few pages into our book.  Sure am proud of him for taking on some of the harder stuff through reading.  He’s got to have just an amazing mind.  Laura told us several times how smart he is.  I think it’s hard for her sometimes too because it presents extra challenges.  I know she’s so proud of him!

Soon now, soon!

Yesterday, we noted a couple other nice things.  First was that we think that Paul Dell, or at least someone that had been at his site stopped over to our blog and read a couple of pages. We’re still trying to understand the statistics part of our blog site, and then secondly while we were over at LinkedIn we noted that Dr. Woollcott had been there to check out our site.  Between those two we felt very warm and fuzzy to know that we’d been thought of by these two men.  It was one of the highlights of the day.  It made me feel a little bad though too in that there wasn’t so much great content out there for them to have discovered about us.  I’m feeling that would be especially true if he read us this week.  BUT, that would be taking down our quilting parts and we don’t want to really do that.  It is a good part of our creativity, right?

Just need to recharge up here.  Part of that would be getting back into our work on multiplicity.  We’ve been lazing our way through things of late.  It would just help trying to go with the thought during the day that we are not under anyone’s time limit.  It would help though if we could just remember some of the stuff we are learning about during the day.  I remember we were reading something, but not sure what.  It might have been through some links through the knowledge leader material by Harold Jarche.  I know that we’ve been staying up-to-date with his posts.  We are reminded of them daily through an email connection.  But it seemed we’d gone into that maybe a little more, just not remembering who was out or what their particular interest was.  When we don’t’ write things down we tend to forget them – until that part is up and out again.

Looking at our email now and we’re reminded of ONE thing we did!  One of our online courses started yesterday on design so we watched the first week of lessons and started thinking of our project.  It is an eight week course.  That was kind of fun and then we went on to look for more courses we could take over the next year.  I think that was a little depressing though because it got us thinking about where we were at with our actually school course where we were paying for credits.  We’ve still got two months to make up our minds, but we don’t feel much closer to getting anything done for it as to progressive thoughts.  We are still having trouble concentrating on doing the things that we are supposed to.

For example, we spent a good amount of time coming up with a calendar … the reading system of the blogs, and then the writing of the annotated quotes within an outline, but now we’re going slow forward on all of those.  What is our problem?  What makes life as we want it so difficult?  I’d like to think there was something like maybe we’re lazy, but I’m not sure of that compared to anything else.  It fills some answers, but not all.  It is like I want to be someone that is doing something important, but we’re not able to keep up with our own goals.  Why does this happen to us?  What are we doing wrong?  Like I know that the schedule was to help us get toward our ideals, but it seemed that as soon as we marked down our preferences in time management, we were already trying to break those sets of thoughts.  Are we back to too much thinking and not enough doing?  I don’t know … there has to be something to take care of these feelings of doubt we have about ourselves in being unable to perform the way we can imagine.  It’s like Dr. Woollcott used to say about us losing control of the ship after we’ve sailed for a bit.

The last time I remember this situation coming up there was something about sabotaging ourselves after we had felt success.  It’s as if we didn’t deserve the good feelings we were having or the happiness that we had started to share with others.  I don’t know why we always fall back to feeling of being a failure.  It would be easy enough to say it was some fault of our childhood and it would most likely be true.  But, to be still dealing with all those dragons so much further into our actual adult life is just stymieing.   Just it doesn’t seem fair.  I don’t know though … maybe even people without mental illness have to deal with some dragons.  I’m pretty sure those though who have gone through abuse, are particularly dragged down by the weight of their baggage. 

It seems that we’d gained some control before losing it toward the reading of Dell’s 8th chapter.  It did more talking about the biological aspects of abuse and neglect.  I think we’ve seen some of those threads since putting down the book, and surely that was a influence in the result of us having looking for so many biology type courses when looking at the free Mooc’s (Massive online open course’s).   Maybe that though to then is something that is being draggy on our minds right now.  It feels lingering like the foul smell of smoking residue on your clothes after being with a smoker.

Hmm, just a side note there … Rich was called into his mother’s again this week.  It was that night we were up til 2 am.  We were hoping that Rich was going to get home safely, but we had finally fallen asleep when he got in … I don’t think he got more than a couple hours of sleep.  There wasn’t anything new there … she was drunk and disorderly and Bud was having a hard time controlling her behavior.  Apparently, the bottle she had been drinking from broke all over the floor and there was something wrong with the back-up bottle of wine, and we’re thinking he was trying to very angrily get that cleaned-up and he was neglecting her charges that he should go out immediately and get her a new bottle.  The next day she talked to Rich, but he was short on sleep and didn’t feel so much like going out for that two hour drive to get her another bottle.  I can’t believe how much Rich is able to handle things.  I can’t say we agree where his mother is concerned, but he is still valiantly even with the alcoholism trying to give her a certain quality of life.  Most of that means that she makes her own decisions, even thought through the drinking there is a lot of faulty ideas and expectations.  She still has no awareness that her drinking causes others problems, as well as her own.

I guess that is enough to be said there for the moment.  How HER liver handles her habits, I’ll never know.  One day they will give out … and then Rich will be very sad not to have her in some form or another.

He did make arrangements, because he said nobody else was, but he made arrangements for Bud, his Mom his brother, and then he and us to go to the golf course to have Thanksgiving dinner.  Bud was thinking instead he might go to his daughters, but maybe that was part of the problem – things had hung in the air so long, we were at risk for losing a reservation we had to be making.  I think we can cancel out if she proves unable to leave the house, or not handle herself in public. 

Good good, I got a GREAT call from Maury!  He said that he is going to be given an award from Comcast tomorrow in recognition of the work he’s put in the third quarter of this year.  It’s an regional award and he got second place and it’s in competition with like 450 technicians.  I’m so proud of him.  He said that tomorrow will be like a working day, but he won’t be working.  He said that he’ll follow his boss around for a while, and then there will be a special presentation and he will get an award, some kind of cash bonus, AND he is going to be receiving an Apple iPad.  THAT’s a great set of awards!!!  Plus it goes on his record.  I’m so proud of him.  He’s really done a good job with working and being competitively up at the top rung consistently.  He’s just so smart AND willing to work hard!  YAY Maury!!!

That really goes a long way to brighten our day.  I love how our sons are managing their lives.  There’s so much good out there. 

We’ve jumped into now a little bubbly.  I have to watch the time a bit, because it’s already 11:45 AM and I still haven’t gotten much accomplished.  I did a little picking up around here, but nothing to write home about.  I haven’t done any clothes washing this week yet, but it doesn’t seem to be a good time now – particularly at this time of the day there will be competition for the washing machine.  Boy isn’t that anti-climactic!  Maury Good!  Mom Bad!  *sigh*

Definitely some popcorn (lunch) is in order!  AND we’re switching from coffee to Sprite Zero.  Maybe we’ve made it over now the Tuesday hump?


Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta

No comments:

Post a Comment