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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Such a Mixed Up Set of Thoughts Day...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 @ 12:03 PM

Afternoon.  This is us again.  Sorry for having lost the morning – we weren’t being very productive.  We had tried following a series of leads and were then in general learning, but there was a certain amount of unproductivity because we were skimming along different sites knowledge and not getting very far into the depth or value of the sites.  Just too much to sort downward.  We did talk to someone from Blackboard who recommended for their free service to use their “” site for online classrooms.  It would allow for up to five courses and maybe like 20 learners.  I’m not so sure of the latter part.  We spent some time looking at the course structure, but it was too much for us to focus on for long.  We really have to go back to Adobe Captivate though because Coursesites states it does SCORM, I’m thinking we can upload from the Captivate program through the program. 

We’re not really thinking too well into that area though.  We feel we are in recovery mode.  We had a meltdown before we got to Dr. Marvin’s last night because of problems with the pharmacy.  There was a tech there who wasn’t doing her job, and was very arrogant and was blaming Dr. Marvin for not doing his job.  It goes into depth, but we don’t want to do it at that level.  She wouldn’t help us figure out how to get the medicine she was saying wasn’t ordered and she refused to call Dr. Marvin stating they only use fax.  It was just the building over, but I felt I was lost in nomanland.  It was terrible and we were frustrated and angry and was trying to handle a high level of emotions.  We didn’t say many words.  We did tell her she was wrong because Dr. Marvin didn’t make mistakes.  As it turned out the first time she didn’t know about the prescription having been filled, because she trusted because he hadn’t called her personally that he hadn’t taken care of the matter.  He had sent it through their computer system.  That was last week, she had never bothered to look.  Then we told her that had been the problem last time, and then she didn’t say anything, but she found the problem and then later blamed it on the computer because it was off.  And, then she was missing one of the six medicines and she said she couldn’t help it because the doctor had forgotten that one, but then later Dr. Marvin said that she had sent over the prescriptions again which he’d filled the week before, but she didn’t send over the missing one, so he hadn’t known it was supposed to be filled.  I guess we’re talking about this anyway aren’t we.

It doesn’t cover the emotional breakdown that our system went through.  She wasn’t trying to be helpful and was blaming anyone but herself.  She’s in another program for people that need assistance with their medicine, but the regular pharmacist overlooked the computer base.  We didn’t know why medicine they were missing and we said it was on the computer, and then we remembered it started with an R.  The regular pharmacist said that it was the Risperidal.  He saw it on the computer, but the technician had not.  Dr. Marvin’s note this morning said then that he talked to the MAP pharmacist that I think he usually talks to and told her that we had been very upset.  She apologized for the tech’s behavior and said they are working to improve the system.  It was a very bad deal. 

We almost ran out of the pharmacy we were so upset.  We were saying fewer words than more, because we were having trouble thinking … they were very specific. By the time we burst through Dr. Marvin’s office – he said just a few moments late, but that was part of the problem.  They didn’t care if we missed our appointment and part way through the tech had gone out to have a chip break.  I think when we got to Dr. Marvin’s office we were pretty much shaking.  I remember pushing the medicine and he must have figured out then it was a pharmacy problem.  A few words probably came out, but we couldn’t talk to him.  I think he was at the computer doing something and about then we crashed.  I think it’s the systems way of dealing with excess emotions.  We couldn’t talk, listen, see, behave in any way except to cover our face and hide until the thoughts quit bombarding our head.  I think in the process it is like falling asleep.  Basically, everything stops working.  After awhile someone started to move and then it’s a hard process to keep willing ourselves to take another step and another.  Like it’s one thing to open your eyes, but to move your neck takes more effort.  I don’t know how long the process lasted.  I think at some point we were able to sit up again and tell Dr. Marvin some of what must have happened, but we remember him also saying that we had about 3 minutes left and that put us through another level of trying to figure out how we were going to leave the room.  Someone told Dr. Marvin we wanted to run but our legs didn’t move that fast.  And, they asked or said something about the monkey lab.  We haven’t thought of that for a long time, but it is where we used to hide on campus when there had been a problem with Dr. Woollcott.  Now the door is kept locked. 

We made it to the car and then we were out of it again.  Around 5:30 pm a half hour later, someone was up enough to call Rich.  We weren’t talking regular yet, but we got him to understand we were going to be late, but would drive as soon as we were able.  Then we were out of it for another half hour.  Even though the appointment was at 4, it took us until 6:30 PM before we got home.  I think one part of that was that the system had to go to the bathroom.  We were having trouble motivating ourselves, but had thought to put a candy bar in the equation.  Parts let it be known that if we could handle driving, we’d stop at the gas station for a candy bar.  We have only done that a handful of times over the many years driving the route home.  It helped, but we weren’t in our best shape driving home.  Fortunately, we made it.  Rich had dinner soon, and then we fell asleep again.  He got us to take our medicine, because apparently while we were sleeping he had made brownies and he said we could have a brownie if we took our medicine.  I think we’d told him that nobody wanted to take the medicine from Dr. Marvin.  I think we were almost yelling at him we weren’t taking it.  We were having trouble getting past our more emotional logic. 

We’re listening to Enya now … we had listened to the lady from yesterday, but Enya is who we listen to when we need to calm down.  Most of the day has seemed like a daze.  We wrote a note back to Dr. Marvin, but we’re not sure if he is going to answer it.  Just more of us trying to get past the shock part of yesterday.  We’re trying to make it ok that it is over, just still feel threatened by the whole thing.  It is going to be hard to convince our parts that we have to go back.  It’s a special program because we can’t afford the full cost of the medicine, but it is very overwhelming.  We’ve had some kind of trouble or another each time we’ve gone in.  I hate the place and it is difficult to walk the extra distance.  The other part is having to walk up tall stairs, and then having to stand while waiting for help.  All in all it’s a very unwelcoming place.

We have to move past this part … I suppose then we have to put other thoughts back in our brain.  Something besides we’re never going back.  It got to a point where the suicidal thoughts started again, but then is when we went into the meltdown.  We’re thinking now that when we get like this it is mostly Annemarie trying to handle things.  We don’t understand yet why it is important that when we go out that sometimes she is out.  She probably handles emotions the worst but we’re not sure why things go to her then and why we couldn’t of had a practical part out.  Rich was trying to tell us last night that there are other ways to handle this, but we were in such an emotional state … we weren’t coping anymore. 

It makes me feel mad now that we had to pay $290 to just get through a session of state we went to because of an idiot technician.  We couldn’t understand what to do when she wouldn’t help, and then the regular pharmacist was there, but because this was another program the idiot lady was in charge of not helping us understand the problem it was just … nothing I can do!  Just that she could do something, but wouldn’t.  It’s a really bad program.  It’s a bad way to treat people just because we can’t pay for our medicines.  We still paid $50 just that one of the medicines cost over $400 … we can’t afford it.

Just rereading over Dr. Marvin’s note.  It seems like he has taken care of the situation with the pharmacist.  It feels good that he did some intervening, but not sure what went through from one to another.  I would think nobody likes getting scolded by a doctor especially if that’s what happened.  Dr. Marvin is very diplomatic though he wouldn’t say anything out of order.  He can probably say he’s frustrated without doing it the wrong way.  The place is just so darn scary.

Ok, we’re not doing a very good job of getting past this are we?  What else can we focus on?  Hmm, there is one thing!  I remember talking to Sir Sweetie-Pie this morning and he said that we could go out for dinner tonight and that it would count as our 18th year anniversary.  It’s actually on Saturday, but he’s got three games that day … we did get a rather nice commitment to some Tom Foolery afterward, but we’re going to need be conscientious that it is a lot of basketball games and that he might be tired.

We talked about it a little bit this morning – the first time he made a romantic overture toward us.  I’m sure we told this story before, but we’d been working for him (he was our boss) and we had been doing long Thursday nights doing payroll – often til 10-midnight.  He and Sean and Myron had taken turns sometimes staying with us, because it was a long night and we were in the building all by ourselves.  This particular night, Rich was supposed to be taking us home.  He had come from a celebration for Shirley Phram who had been the comptroller for a long time.  She was retiring and we’re thinking that Rich probably had a couple drinks which is something he didn’t usually do.  Shirley was a hard person to deal with and I think he thought there was some relief in her going. 

We were working through our paces when he came in and we could tell by his behavior that he was in a rush and we were thinking that we had to finish it our way … methodologically so we wouldn’t make a mistake.  I remember him trying to rush us through the editing part where we knew we had to check for mistakes before posting and that took extra time he didn’t want to put into it.  We thought he just wanted to get home, but we’re thinking now he had ulterior motives. 

Basically, somehow or another, he was looking out distractively over at the skyline which faced the then Sears tower and other.  We were located on the 8th floor facing downtown Chicago two blocks off of Union Station.  He seemed to be slowing down after looking out the window … we were thinking he was just taking a rest.  But, then he said that we should come over and look out at the skyline.  We we’re probably pretty close to the end of our work and so stood by the window for a moment, but then he said that we should sit down.  He was sitting down next to us.  Sometime in a very short amount of time, he moved his left hand to our right leg – thigh.  I don’t think we really understood what was happening.  We went into all kinds of feelings, but the one I can remember most was the part where our body froze.  We didn’t know what to do … we just froze.  I’m thinking there were some warm fuzzy feelings, but I’m sure at the time the whole thing was pretty overwhelming. 

We don’t remember what exactly happened next or what he was saying to us.  I’m pretty sure there must have been some words.  For the most part, we just remember his hand on our thigh and not knowing what to do.  I’m thinking at this point, he might have stated some of his intent … maybe he told us he was attracted to us, I don’t know.  The next part I remember – also that night was that he was sitting on the edge of a table in the workshop and sometime somehow he had announced his intent to kiss us.  Lordy … I’m pretty sure that put us over the top.  We were interested in having him kiss us, but this was whole new territory.  We remember the age regression and being intimidated and hiding behind the skid.  He was very thoughtful and conscientious about moving us from one location to being next to him where he gave us a kiss.  I don’t remember if it were a little smooch or a big one.  We were pretty much in one gigantic swoon.

This morning we asked if he had been sexually attracted to us and he sort of blushed saying we could probably figure that out for ourselves.

One other part we remember of that night was that we had a long talk on the way home and he talked about being married and that we weren’t supposed to worry about that and it was his problem, but that he wasn’t planning on getting a divorce and that the relationship between us could only work if we didn’t tell anybody anything about it.  I think it had been said though also while we were on the workshop floor, because we told him if we couldn’t tell Dr. Woollcott, that we couldn’t do it because we told our doctor everything.  I think he thought of it for a moment, but then said yes, we could tell Dr. Woollcott.  That was another part, but just holding on to this part.  We were pretty buzzed, stunned, overwhelmed, excited as hell … all of the above. 

One way or another this was our first romantic night.  We’d been working together for about 10 months.  This was the first time I had known he was romantically interested in us.  I don’t know where we were.  We don’t know the real relationship before that time.  I know that he wasn’t around all the time, but that we were excited when we saw him.  He was very important in our world.  He had once early on explained he was ONLY middle management.  I’m not sure what built up to that conversation.  I think we were putting him on a very high pedestal and it was his way of saying he was just a normal guy.  We’ve been together ever since and it is now 18 years later.  We had been divorced, but he remained married for some time afterward until his wife finally found out about us about five years ago when Rich had accidently left one of my notes to him up on his computer at home.  They separated that day and he came here and now we’ve been living together for five years.  He’s still not interested in  marriage, but I don’t blame him.  He’s still paying $3000 alimony to his wife and we are piecing together our fincances on a month to month basis.  He had said that he couldn’t be a good husband because he wasn’t able to take care of us.  He also said at one point because we had so much debt and in need of services that he couldn’t afford to take us on and it would mean a lessoning of my resources through government assistance which is necessary to continue with Dr.’s and medicine. 

I’m thinking that it is pretty close to another anniversary so that is why we’re thinking about this sort of thing again.  I don’t know if he would have known the outcome if he would have made that first move.  I was confused too because a couple other people at work had made sexual moves and in those cases, we had told him about what had happened and he’d had to take care of the matter as a boss.  I’m not sure what he thought of all that.  We know that he had several meetings with us.  I don’t know if it ever went onto our official reports.  I am thinking that he kept it off.  He did have one key instigator transferred to another building.  But, it seemed that it had gone around … there were five males involved one at a time.  Three were specialists, one was a shipping/receiving clerk and one was a counselor.  They were all black. The two people that had not abused the situation were Sean and Myron.  Both of those men were black also, but although we’re sure they’d talked to others, that they never abused the relationship sexually.  The same kind of thing had happened later with BJ so our thinking was always that we must have had some sign on our forehead saying that we were sexually approachable.  Maybe more like we were not able to defend ourselves.  I’m sure too that since we were divorced we had some need to be taken care of.  I wasn’t attracted to any of these people it seemed more a matter of defense in trying to protect ourselves. 

I’m not sure where our mind was at by the time that Rich started the sexual relationship.  I don’t know if we had thought it was something different.  I know we did give Sean some indication that something had happened and somehow Rich smoothed that out, but we got driven home and reprimanded saying we couldn’t ever talk to Sean about it.  He was like the middleman between us and Rich.  Sean backed off and didn’t ever approach it again.  We never said anything to anyone about it.  I think toward the end that Diane knew about it.  She had been our typing instructor.  I know she left sometime and there was another instructor, but I don’t think that Diane ever said anything.  She was also black.  I don’t know why this is important now, but maybe it was just such a different environment for us that we didn’t know how to respond properly to it.

BJ was white, and so is Rich.  We did send a note to BJ just a couple weeks ago.  We had just found out that Brother Jerome had died and we hurt for BJ because we knew how extremely close they were.  But, that’s enough for now on that.  BJ is another story of someone outside the JVS experience.  Other than BJ’s approaching us, we’ve never had another sexual experience other than Rich in these last 18 years.  Things have felt very safe.  They weren’t safe back in those days.  I’m sure I had the biggest crush on Rich, but as we might have stated before, I’m sure there was some confusion that I didn’t know if Rich weren’t going to be another relationship like these other five males.  They were all within the same 10 months or so.  It was such a horrifying experience.  I hadn’t thought very much of ourselves, because these sorts of things kept happening.  There was like a code or sharing between them so that it became more like here it goes again.  Usually they would tell me they were interested in us sexually and then we’d like freeze up and then they would begin to tell me what they wanted to do and then they would do it.  We didn’t know how to stop it.  We were being told and would follow direction probably much like when my grandfather or father would tell us what to do.  We went into a mode of obeying and it didn’t matter what our thoughts were. 

This is a very embarrassing thing to us now.  And, I think the worst part would be if we were in the same situation now would we know any better how to handle it?  It seems that with Rich – besides BJ there was never another adult male around us with the exception of our grown sons.  I don’t think they really knew about these situations.  As mentioned earlier, it was four years later and I’d moved to MN before I told them about Rich.  In ’97 when we lost everything, we also gave up our work, our Doctor and Rich.  We’d lost the boys, the house, the dog, and had gone bankrupt.  We spent two years in MN.  Rich came up to Winona to still be with us every 3-4 weeks.  BJ had convinced us that we shouldn’t be in that relationship and for three months we refused to see or talk to Rich, but then he just came up anyway and forced us to sit down and talk to him.  Somewhere in there BJ had made his sexual move.  I remember that when we were in the hospital, we had tried to contact BJ and he said that the police had been there and he couldn’t ever talk to us again.  I remember also talking to Rich.  He knew what had happened and I’m sure he told us to follow the doctor’s orders.  He’d known about the ECT, and I’m sure after we got back to our home he found his way back to MN to be with us.  We’ve always been together since.  I don’t know if Rich hasn’t always considered himself appointed toward my well-being.  I don’t know how the abuse from the past plays into all of this.  I do feel a loyalty toward Rich.  I hadn’t wanted the relationships to the others, but with the exception of those three months, I’ve wanted Rich to be in our life as our love of life. 

I don’t know what kind of pressure our lack of ability in taking care of ourselves had figured into Rich’s love of us.  He’s always had the back hand in helping us do the things that we are supposed to do to be taking care of ourselves.  Sometimes we get very frustrated that he is scolding us for one thing or another, but if push came to shove, we would defer to Rich.  He’s always been our safety.  I think that we’d follow Dr. Woollcott or Dr. Marvin first, but the two of them have always respected our relationship with Rich and have worked with us so that we’d give Rich an equal partner.  Maybe it is not as much as responsibility or adulthood, but as to someone trying to be in a valid relationship.

That was Rich.  He just called.  He had figured out how to pick up the last medicine that was ready at the bad pharmacy.  He said he is going straight out to his mothers, and then he would be home and we should count on being ready at 6 pm to go out for dinner and Margarita’s.  I had already forgotten we were supposed to do that.  We tried to get out of it, but he reminded us that it was for our anniversary and that if we didn’t, he would be reminded of it for the rest of the week.  I’m pretty sure he was right.  Just we have to go out again and after yesterday it is a bit more intimidating.  It should be ok, he is my protector, isn’t he?  If there was one safe way in the world to go out it would be with Rich.

And, it’s for our anniversary and that’s what this is all about anyway right?  Anyway this is what Rich and us talked about – though in not as much detail this morning. 

We talked a little bit about what happened at the pharmacy and with Dr. Marvin last night with Rich.  He goes through his paces in trying to handle things, but we were told afterward that not only had we called him saying we couldn’t drive home yet, but then his mother called and told him she was going to take pills to kill herself, because Bud wouldn’t give her alcohol or smokes.  It is putting a terrible pressure on Rich.  I’m pretty sure I’m enough to handle all by myself, but his mother isn’t taking care of herself … when she’s not drinking she wants to be dead, and when she’s drinking she’s very dangerous to herself.  There seems to be no end to it.  I hate to say this, because I don’t think I ever have, but I hope that her body gives out on her soon, just to stop what she’s putting Rich through.  He feels guilty because he’s not taking care of her proper.  It just isn’t fair.  She’s not even trying.  Right now he’s on his way out there.  He says its not for a visit, but to talk to her about her behaviors.  That is probably a good thing.  He certainly doesn’t have an easy life.

After we talked about that last night – mostly me listening, he went into talking about his business.  There seems to be so much on him.  I suppose then the least we can do is be ready to go out, right?  MAKE RICH’S LIFE EASIER.  It’s our new mantra. J

It’s now about 2 pm.  We stopped by the FB page, but Linda just left a note saying all that she’s gotten done today and that she’s going back out and should be home about 3 pm.  We’ll try to talk to her then.  We left her a short note to catch her up on the day. 

As to the other … Rich doesn’t deserve the life he is getting.  I think we are the easy part and we offer a lot of confusion.  I do have to admit he was sneaky with the medicine.  We had told him and Dr. Marvin we weren’t going to take it anymore, but then Rich takes us out to the kitchen and shows us the brownies in the oven and said … good girls get brownies because they take their medicine.  HMPF … we’ve STILL got no DEFENSES!  Yeah ok, we took our medicine. 

He must have been interested in us knowing he’d have similar things to work through with his mother.  She’s not eating or taking her medicine now either.  She can’t hold herself up with the amount of drinking she does, but insists she can take care of her life.  She’s not.  Ok, we’re not going into all that again.

Trying to separate ourselves in mannerisms that might be like one another.  We did drink for the one month, but then between that, stress, and medicine, we had gotten the stomach ulcer and lost more than half our blood.  That was like a message to us saying we have to drink less, distress and the doctor learned we couldn’t take a certain kind of medicine.  That one wasn’t our fault.  I don’t remember the kind it was some kind of medicine like a type of aspirin or Tylenol that was used to take down the pain of arthritis.    I think it starts with a M, but that is as far as we can figure out.  AHA!  We figured it out … we put in arthritis and aspirin and came out with NSAIDs.  That’s the kind we can’t take and the study we’re reading says that it is nonsteroid anti-inflammatory drugs and that their assistance with preventing cardiovascular disease is wiped out due to the gastrointestinal and intracranial bleeding which can be fatal.

Ok, that was enough of that … ANYWAY … the thing is that after you know something is dangerous, you have to stop doing it OR, put yourself in for the appropriate help.  She’s like not doing that either.  She’s like stubbornly dragging herself down a deathtrek, and the only people it is going to hurt is her family.  But, the fact of the matter is that she doesn’t care because the booze is more important to her.  BLAH!

Ok, ok ok … shhhh, this is not going to help us get back to being more productive.  One thing for sure is that we will get ourselves ready to go out with Rich.  It’s 2:20 pm now and we’ll be ready by 5 pm in case he gets home early … so that means shower by 4 pm – giving us about 1 ½ hours to write or do something good for us.  Linda is getting her glasses and stopping for wrapping paper, so I’m not sure if she’ll be back by 3 pm, she might be pressing things.  I don’t think we’ve really talked to each other today. 

I wish there was something to say about what happened with Dr. Marvin today, but we lost track of him.  I know that he was at the computer when we stopped processing, and then it took us a while to get our bearings, but when we finally did there was just a little time left and he had been sitting across the room waiting for us.  I don’t know what he is thinking when he’s not talking … sometimes I think we must be very strange to him, but then he’s probably been around the bend enough to know all varieties of human behavior.  I always hate going into those behaviors, because we lose so much time, but I don’t think the system has a better way of handling hard emotions.  He’s going to be gone tomorrow so we’ll have to wait until Tuesday to talk to him.  Hopefully, he’ll tell us something that can help us figure out how our brain works in closing itself down.  That seems to be the most confusing part now.  It seems that we probably have the majority of information figured out on how we got to that stage, just don’t know the particulars on why it was so triggering.  Dr. Marvin usually says that when that much emotion goes into something that isn’t in itself provoking then some of our feelings are attaching to the incident from the past.

When I test our memory now and think through what was the worst of it was probably the anger and helplessness in that she wasn’t going to help us and that she wouldn’t talk to Dr. Marvin so the problem could be solved.  We also knew the pressure of what would happen if we couldn’t get this medicine.  Too often that kind of things end up in suicidal ideation.  We would have also known how impossible it would be for us to go back down on a no-doctor marvin day because the parking was so far away and we wouldn’t have trusted the system.  We wouldn’t know about our behavior if we had to handle the same lady and it seemed to affect us knowing that she wouldn’t care how difficult and impossible she’d been making our life.  It was also frustrating that the smarter pharmacist wouldn’t step in because it wasn’t his program. 

Something about a lady with this much apparent lack of care and arrogance being responsible between us and not only getting our much needed medicine – trapped because we couldn’t go elsewhere, and then the part of her tearing down our doctor because “he had done something wrong.”  It was all thrown in our head and mixed around and was way too overwhelming to deal with.  There was a feeling of being in a life or death predicament and not being able to get ourselves out of it.  The back-up was that Dr. Marvin would fix it, but it incensed us when she said she wouldn’t call him.  It just didn’t makes sense and it seemed to push us down this thread where nothing in life was possible.  As if a troll stood on a bridge we had to cross and he was saying no, we couldn’t go on.  In a sense it felt that she was stopping our life, although I’m pretty sure by now that Dr. Marvin would say that we were adding to the problem, but that’s the way our thinking was going.  I’m sure it relates to not having responsible people caring for us who cared and then being put into that situation again … I think it was exceptionally bad, because no one stood up for us and contradicted this woman’s behavior.  She wasn’t the kind of person who should be in charge of anyone.  Especially, in finding the next day she was just a technician.  She wasn’t even someone who should have had in our opinion that kind of authority.  She obviously did not know how to help people. 

I feel like we haven’t been able to leave the situation yet.  It’s been most of the day.  I don’t even know what else we’re supposed to be working on.  Still trying to adjust to what happened.  Trying to figure it out to prevent it from happening again.  I think Dr. Marvin is done handling this with us this week.  He is going to be out Thursday and Friday and he’d gotten an apology from the pharmacist for the MAP program, which seems to have helped him.  In one way it helps us too particularly if we trust Dr. Marvin, but directly we don’t feel it helps.  We’re still reliving the problems with the tech … while Dr. Marvin and the Pharmacist have signed off.  I don’t know if her claim to be working to improve the system will have any direct affect.  I don’t know if the next time I go in I will just be dealing with the same angered woman who is now just that much madder at us for causing a stir.  She didn’t take responsibility for any of her mistakes and I’m thinking now she’s blaming and correction to her behavior as being my problem. 

I don’t know just feeling lost with this.  I don’t think we do well with people in authority who aren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing.  I can bet pretty safely then that it is connected to my mother, father and grandfather being irresponsible.  Maybe we’ll think of this for a moment to see if we can bring down some of the anger/upset feelings of having “been attacked.”  I’m not sure if that’s the best word, just the first word that comes to mind.  We had popcorn for lunch.  Thinking we might try to put something solid on our tummy first.  Dinner won’t be until after 3-4 hours.  L

Good good, just had a sandwich and looked at FB pictures over at Julies for a few moments.  We calmed ourselves down.  That’s a good thing.  Maybe we should take a shower now in case Linda comes by to talk.  It’s about 3:10 pm now.

It’s a couple of hours later, and Linda has come and gone.  Tpony had come home and she was going to do something with dinner.  In the meantime, Rich called too and asked that we be ready 20 minutes from now, so maybe we can do a little bit of a wrap-up.  I’ve been away for a couple of hours and I’m afraid we’ve been acting badly.  Linda was patient with us, but we were brooding.  We’ve been down on ourselves for not being smart or able enough to do more with our life.  I know that comparing ourselves to others isn’t helping, and for the most part we’re just feeling sorry for ourselves.  The feelings and emotions are too hard to go into in just 20 minutes.  I think we are regretting life paths that did not happen.  It might have been different if we had grown-up in another family – especially, a non-abusive family, but instead, we have to take ownership of our own experience.  Along with that comes the realization that we are just over 50 years into our life and are still being affected by things that were happening over 50 years ago.  The first abuses were in infancy and then on to toddler.  It seems sometimes that the path is so craggy that there is no way out.

I don’t know why we turned to this stream of thought.  We were at a place just a little a bit ago where we were thinking happily over our love life.  But, now it seems as if anyone who ever knew us were more stuck with us than anything else.  I don’t usually beat ourselves up … it’s been a very long time since that has happened and in all consciousness I know I have to stop now and get on top of this series of thoughts.  Where is it coming from?  What is it that is making me feel not good enough?  I don’t know the first negative sets of thoughts today were on the pharmacy and our take-away there was that some idiotic clerk/tech person affected us and we couldn’t control the affect.  And then we went on to talk about Rich, but we again couldn’t get there without again being in control.  We’re talking of the sexualizing of our relationships by several men.  That had an affect on us too, but now we look at it more as a mile marking.  We’ve been going down this same path for so long. 

We’ve been writing about missing a high school friend.  I know that I couldn’t have followed her footsteps, but seemingly we keep coming back to this point.  Somehow she represents a world that was much saner than the one we were living.  Her and her household were a safe haven.  Maybe it is that that we miss.  I know thought that Rich provides me a relatively sound life.  We are church-mouse poor, but that doesn’t make or break a relationship though makes it sometimes tricky to navigate.  I think of the trips and travels and endless good times of our friend appearing in one group picture or another.  I think she has a very good life that is to be congratulated.  But, there lies the quandary … the working through of our mind.  I remember the competitiveness, but I don’t know how I could have ever competed against her.  I don’t even know if we realized at the time how smart she was.  What did we know about giftedness?  I don’t know what she saw in us, though at some point we’d gotten suicidal and from then on we felt more like we were doing her a disservice.  We didn’t know at that time about the multiplicity or how it was affecting our life and how are life had been channeled through abuse.  It had all been put away somewhere, but the nagging feelings of not being good enough … maybe not even from Kendra, but from the people in the past – the abusive people.  If we had been good enough they wouldn’t have created a monster in us.  Ok, shh shh girls.  We’re no monster, right?  Just we were DIFFERENT.  Lordy this doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.  I have to turn some trick in our mind though because Rich is going to call in a minute and there is no way I should be the one out with him.  I didn’t even realized I was depressed again, and then here I am sobbing up a story.  Oh Lord have mercy on me!  Ok, whatever THAT was supposed to mean.

GIRL SHAKE IT OFF!  Chances are Rich is going to need me to listen to him.  He’s been with his mother all afternoon.  That comes with its own obstacles.  This is supposed to be OUR day.  He was the right white knight, Yes?  I’d like to think we can do that though with more than just the part … he got stuck with me because he reaches for people in need of fixing. 

Yes, probably we’re going to have one Margarita tonight.  Wondering now though if we should bring our medicine too.  Most likely we’ll be out past 7 pm.  See this is what I’m talking about … How is it that some people go off to have these wondrous adventuresome lives and then some others need to be drugged day to day to get through it AND couldn’t walk to the nearest camel and back.  STOP GIRL STOP.  You are depressing even US!


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