Saturday, November 17, 2012 @ 9:58 AM
Good morning. It is now about 10 AM and we’re really starting to do something. We slept in until the kitties woke us at 5:30 AM, then went back to bed on the couch until about an hour ago. Rich was in the living room by then and we’d had a bad nightmare. It had something to do with being at my uncle’s house, and then we were trying to pack up. There was fishing involved and stuff to do with quilting … the twins were there and were part of our situation of packing up. I knew that I had insulted somehow my aunt … I think I thought one of her guests was someone else and I snapped at him before realizing it was someone different, and then she got angry at me … we had gone out to the vehicle to finish packing before realizing that we’d left some of our quilting stuff in the house. I didn’t want to go back and first one of the twins went in and then my sister, but they weren’t finding what we had forgotten and in the meantime we’d started packing a “truck.” There was something about trying to put back the seats and moving harder objects while having enough room to sit. I had gone toward the back to get something and CS had then gone in and tried to move or change-up something I’d worked hard on and we got angry and yelled because she wasn’t paying attention to boundaries of what was mine to do and what was hers. There had been a lot of friction too in that we felt unwanted and was trying to desperately move on, but we were feeling waited down. In actuality Chief was sitting on our legs and we were completely under covers – including head with a pillow on top of us and our arms down the sides of us with our hands under us. We felt locked in that position. The ending of the dream came with my father being angry at us for causing problems, so he told us we were going to have to travel back under the truck (where they store the wheels). We got upset and backed out to the door of the now moving truck … we were at a stand-off where if he made a move toward us physically, we were going to jump – commit suicide. I remember thinking that we were being dishonored in front of our friends and that was part of what we couldn’t tolerate.
About then is when we woke up and Rich talked to us for a little bit until we were calm again. One of the things he’d remembered to tell us was that he had heard the Archie’s song – Sugar, Sugar. And, decided he was going to call us his candy girl. We felt a little romanticism in the air and made it to the computer to play the song … We liked the words, and by that time were a little better able to leave some of the other stuff behind.
Part of the dream beside obvious connections to packing our quilting stuff and the twins (retreat) had been that my grandfather had come up in discussion and then we were trying to explain some of the relatives – primarily my Mother’s brother and his family. We ran up against the memory of our cousin Debbie deciding back after my Grandmother’s funeral in ’06 that I was too much to deal with and then in the process of finding that we ran into an email from my cousin Steve. It appears to have been the only communication, but it was addressed to my sister, his two sisters, his brother and his father as if I were one of the families. This is the story Steve took from a copy of something in the email… He wrote:
This sounds like Grandpa Wes,
> Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
> There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
> One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring.
> We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko - democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camelhumper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
> Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
> Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
We then sent a note to Dr. Marvin about these people not seeming safe … we didn’t recall having received this note, just that there weren’t any more notes sent afterward. I don’t know what caused them to stop if it was me or someone else in the family. Just knowing Steve would be the one to try to include me, but he didn’t seem to comprehend that something like this wouldn’t be funny to me like most likely the others and that their bigotry was highly insulting. It did seem to give evidence as to the un-safety of getting to know members of the family, because we were so different than their thoughts – especially in their thoughts or respect of other people.
Dr. Marvin seemed to agree … he wrote back, “Yes, consistent with what you described last night. The culture of disrespect was strong and it seems that she has bought into it. Agreed, not safe.”
The “she” relates to my cousin Deb. Although we’d been very close growing up … the years had provoked a lot of distance. We’re still bothered by her statement on not wanting to “bother with us.” I see she is now connected on FB to my sister and other cousins, and we go between wanting to contact her and be included too and not messing with it knowing that she could be a dangerous person. In her telling me I wasn’t someone before she wanted to bother with – it makes her a dangerous person for us … Maybe not for others, but it doesn’t do anyone any good to be told she isn’t worthy of “bother.” It was one of the most directly hurtful statements made to me – certainly in my adulthood, although there were plenty of other toxic relationships. It sucks to be left out, but then there’s mental health. I’d rather stay on the side of Dr. Marvin – who I trust as to his humanity. I’m willing to let go of most the others. I guess it’s always been that way … Maybe too like my father “throwing us under the bus.” In a sense it seems that is the situation with them – they are/were willing to throw us under the bus, because we’d caused a difference from them – especially in our thoughts of my grandfather. We thought he was dangerous to us … and obviously they held him in high respect. The same would have gone for my mother. It didn’t seem to be a problem growing up that she or my father were so abusive. In their eyes I’m thinking they felt it must be deserved because we were the kids and my mother could do no wrong. I think my mother still respects her brother and his family though I don’t think they treat her well – they are above her. I don’t really trust my mother, but I wouldn’t want to see her hurt either.
Ok, these are much too complex thoughts. I don’t really want to be here, but these are the sets of thoughts brought up this week in meeting with Dr. Marvin. We had discussed again the last time (my grandmother’s funeral in 2006) that my uncle was still remembering us as it was funny the embarrassment I had felt when at his place in Shell Lake, my mother and most likely others were drunk and she’d flung off her swimming top to be revealed nakedly. That does seem to be something that would be TOTALLY inappropriately and frightening to me, but the uncles memory was how funny it would be that I would be upset. There’s so much I don’t remember of what happened in those days, but it goes to the argument that we’ve felt my uncle very crass, though he seems to be proud of it.
These aren’t my favorite thought sets … and we’re going to try tucking them under again until we meet with Dr. Marvin on Tuesday. Thursday is Thanksgiving so obviously we won’t be meeting, so I’m not sure if Tuesday won’t be lighter. It doesn’t seem that we have much control over the situation as to what is discussed thought between the parts, we do have control. Just that we don’t know what various parts is going to present or where the hardest issues lie. I think that we finished the major part of the retreat and then the second half was again spent with family of past. Toward the end it seemed after talking about my grandfather and some of the things we remembered from that time, we had to then again skirt past Dr. Marvin. We almost turned back, but knew that was against protocol, but we wanted to tell Dr. Marvin how sure the skirting past him part was related to skirting away from our Grandfather grabbing at us – and the other female cousins. I recall directly that we spent nervous energy on being given whisker rubs, we don’t know much other though the scene seems to have threatened us more on a different level to have caused this kind of behavior with Dr. Marvin for 13 years. I know that part is coming up and closer to consciousness, but we’re thinking Dr. Marvin would say we can take our time with it and that we don’t have to look at more than we can deal with at one time. It hurts our brain to even think through that image of walking past Dr. Marvin. It doesn’t seem to matter which party had been out to that point, whoever walks past him is pretty petrified. It seems that it is about what he “could” do in grabbing out at us, even though we know intellectually that Dr. Marvin wouldn’t do anything bad to us. The fear we have is unjustified in the present and is just too deep for us to have dealt with even though it’s been like a million jillion years AND we wish that part to be over. The fear and anxiety is still real.
Ok, girls … enough enough. This is the point where we feel the need to eat … I’m guessing that it is emotionally-based. Maybe something … thinking peanut butter rice cakes.
I’m not settled on what to drink though … it seems early for pop, but don’t think water would do it and at 10:45 AM it seems too late to make another coffee. We could do it, but most times we never get back to then drinking it. Ok, just a bit of pop … *sigh*
Ok, feeling a little better, some space in-between us and the next thing. We’re listening still in the background to some fishy stuff. Rich is listening in part to that and he’s also on his laptop. Not sure what, but I know that it is infrequent that he gets a chance to relax so we’re going with that’s a good idea to just give him some free time.
Last night we had been working on the quilting when he got home, and then we went into the living room to pin the quilt and to catch up with him, but he turned the channel to some really negative stuff – people chasing each other with machetes and stuff … so we complained that it was too violent for us, but he said there wasn’t anything else on. We started to go back to the sewing room because we weren’t going to sit through that … but, then remembered it was about 10 PM and we hadn’t remembered to take our medicine, so we did that and then shut off the lights in the back room and headed for bed. We watched NCIS which in reality could be considered similar to the other show in that there is usually some kind of violent murder, but it seems different in that we’re watching the good guys and maybe about 5 seconds of violence – to set up the murder – if at that … NCIS balances humor and injustice so it is at a different level for us. Toward the end of the show Rich came to bed – his show had been over apparently for about 15-20 minutes and he’d just sat there thinking we were still sewing. He likes to crawl into bed with us, but we weren’t happy in that we’d already been separated about 8 hours and that watching his show would exclude me from being around him. There was a little playing that out, but in general we settled down and he let us hold him. That part was nice. I think he wanted to do more, but by then we were pretty tired and not quite in that mood. *sigh*
While Rich was out we’d worked on the writing and something else on the computer – not sure what, but had disconnected that to eat and watch a couple shows of Anderson Cooper and we watched some quilting shows, before we finally complained enough to ourselves of not getting any work done. So then we made a decision about 7 PM to work on the quilting a bit. We did the first steps in figuring out the borders and binding, and then cut and sewed those together, then we sewed the ONE border on, and then cut the backing and padding, and then we attached those sets together with safety pins. It held about 36 pins for 27” x 27” of fabric. The next step will be the actual quilting part. I’ll do that as soon as we finish writing. We didn’t get to the laundry this morning because of our general laziness we’re thinking. We got into the late morning up, and then the settling from the dream and such from writing, and well, we aren’t much past then, but don’t like doing laundry this late. Maybe we will though - should probably check to see if the machines are running. Rich told us that he would be willing to do the sheets and such, maybe we’ll do a white load if there is still time. Better check?
Hmm, checked, it doesn’t seem like anyone is using the machine, but we don’t have enough quarters. I suppose the thing would be to ask if Rich has any, but then we’d have to do it for sure. Getting Rich involved in moving isn’t something we want to really do – both for his sake and ours. We had a good Domestic Goddess day yesterday – not so excited about it today. We would like to spend some time with Rich today because he’ll be doing a couple of games tomorrow. For the most part though, we are used to being on our own for most the day … so would sort of like to just keep our own schedule.
I’d like to be able to write something of real substance, but I don’t think we have any of that going on in our mind. We did talk to Mary Ann yesterday and she was happy that we’d gotten the box mailed. I should say we packed it and RICH mailed it. I think we told you that yesterday though. She was thinking she’d get it today already, but we’re thinking probably about Monday or Tuesday. It sounds like she’ll be able to do the work right away. We also talked to Julie and she is taking some of the pressure of having enough time to finish the Marine quilt by saying that we shouldn’t feel pressured and that we could just give it for the spring event … We’ll let Linda know that to help take some of the pressured feelings off her. We know that she has already said she wouldn’t take any more quilts for the year, so we’re thinking she might feel stuck with our two already. I don’t know … that’s the kind of thing you just have to ask the other person so you don’t mislead yourself by information that hasn’t really been put out yet. Take it easy girls!
I wish I could talk to the twins or LV Linda today … miss having no contact with them after having had such a good time. Our Linda’s schedules are already changing and we’re going to have to give-up some of the time we’ve spend together during our more normal times of 10 AM, 2 PM and/or 7 PM. It’s a switch. I’m a big girl – theoretically at least, right?
AHA! Wrote the twins a note … might try one now to the other Linda, and then CS? Yeeks seems like we’re outstanding on a couple of notes.