Good morning … it is me.
We’re up and at atom at 6 AM today … seems like we’re getting back in
the spirit of doing things in the morning again and up before Rich. I’m thinking part of it though too is that
we’re taking the afternoon medicine again and then too the case was last night
we had coffee to drink in the evening … I think I’m going to try that some
more. Not more than a cup or so, but I
do like drinking coffee especially when its colder and I do like waking up a
little earlier than we have. We didn’t
go to bed until about 11:30 AM, so we’re thinking we could run out of energy
somewhere in-between, but I really love the idea of getting so much more out of
our life.
We had a very interesting day yesterday … it was
Thanksgiving. I enjoyed the day from
start to finish. We had some time in the
AM to go computer shopping with the intent of buying folding chairs so that we
can entertain. That seemed to work out
just fine. It took us a few hours, but
we were relentless in our pursuits. I
know you know how we can be. We finally
found the deal that Rich and us could both live with. It was over at Lowe’s on 79th and
Cicero in Chicago. We were able to
pre-purchase from an actual store ten chairs for $9.98 each. They are the traditional folding chairs that
can take 300 lbs of pressure and they are steel construction – all good! Most of the chairs we were finding were
through the Internet, so even Sears, Wal-Mart, Office Max and other various
“popular” stores were just connected to the stores that warehoused them … the
best deal was that we were going to need waiting a week. But, people are coming tomorrow and … we just
didn’t think about doing this sooner, because Rich said he would pick something
up … and here it was T-Day – WITH black Friday shopping (YEEKS) and no chairs –
with the next day being our event.
I’m pretty sure that Rich actually liked that part though we
didn’t talk about me Internet shopping, but he’s got the location, he doesn’t
have to drive all over the place, and he’s getting quite the deal. The best of prices at other stores had been
about $15. If nothing else … Rich loves
a good bargain! Neither of us has
figured out where we are going to store the chairs, but likely we will have to
address the closets again. They weight 9
lbs. each and are about 18” wide and are probably about 2-2 ½” wide for
folding. I’m’ not sure it doesn’t say …
maybe up to 4”? I’m thinking that they
will all stack in about a yard width in space.
I think it’s really doable in our front closet, but we’ll have to throw
out the older broken chairs and put the Christmas tree somewhere else. *Sigh* For the most part – we know from the
other chairs that they fit ok under the coats and official’s clothes of
Rich. It might be a challenge. Also, I think that there are hanging pictures
in there of Rich’s older maps. We’ll
just have to be slightly more efficient.
There were 14 reviews on the chairs and it is at a 4.9/5.0 rating …
that’s pretty cool. We’re not sure of
the color exactly … we heard described almond, bone white, tan and gray. From the picture I’d think more between the
bone white and gray. Basic “light” color
and they are said to fold real nice, are sturdy, and are a good value. YAY!!!
Ahh … ok is moving on!
We got our coffee now too! Missy
is a little meowy this morning. Maybe it
is an effect of me not sitting on the couch this morning. Rich must have gotten up during the night
because he’s lying on the couch. I can’t
believe how much the wind is blowing cold sounds out there. It had rained some last night and Rich said
the temperature was dropping. The temps
are like 38 degrees and the wind is at 22 mph.
Yesterday though it had been warm enough to walk out of the house
without a coat – beauty!
Ok, then after the shopping, I think we talked to Linda for
just a bit and then after we were realizing that we had about 2 hours before we
had to go shopping. I have to think a
little harder about what happened there.
I think the time went pretty fast.
At least a half hour was taken in getting in and around the shower and
dressing … I remember sitting in the shower for a LONG time! I am usually pretty zippy, but it was so nice
and warm. J I’m thinking then we noted it was about 1 ½
hours left and it seems that we were making a choice between house cleaning and
sewing, but then in reality none of that happened. BUT, I’m not sure what did happen. I remembered somewhere in there steaming
clothes for both Rich and us. Hmm, maybe
it will come to us. It seemed that we
were doing fine … and we weren’t feeling rushed. Just we’re not sure L
ANYWAY…
The next thing on the agenda was that we needed to pick up
Rich’s Mother’s friend Pat. Rich needed
to stop for gas so in the meantime I called my mother to wish her a Happy
Thanksgiving. It seems pretty normal up
there, and it seemed that she was in a good mood. She was a little more able to have a regular
conversation, or maybe it was because we were in a pretty good mood that we
were interjecting ourselves in-between her conversation. She still took our conversation as doable by
two people responding back and forth.
Nothing like she asked how we were doing or anything … and she avoided
direct questions to the holiday in that she said she knew we were busy for the
holidays, so then assumed she knew what was going on in all that. We must have told her what are general plans
were. She was generic enough in her
response, that I don’t know if she’d remembered any details, but we were like
fine … ok too good a mood not to be brought down there J I don’t think my mother tries to hurt
everyone, but she does like the general control level. And, she’s considering herself to be the
older wise one now … so I suppose that’s a good thing she doesn’t ask about our
life. What information she has I’m
thinking she has organized in her thoughts like we do of her life. Maybe it’s something that’s just past down in
our family life or maybe it is just general family stuff.
That is what has been trying to tell me of late is that there’s
a lot of dysfunctional in everyone’s life and because there is – there is
really no dysfunction. That could lead
into a long conversation.
Breaking into all those thoughts though is that Rich and I
were in a talking mood just a bit ago. I like when he figures stuff out with
me. We were going over better some of
the families relationships and conversations about how Pat’s family and Rich’s
family connect. It’s being taken up in a
general well-being mood. I think I had
started off with a poorer conception of Pat … I thought she was going to be
more like Rich’s Mom in feeling older and self-centered. After my mother’s conversation we pulled up
to Pat’s house … Rich and I had been casually talking after my Mother’s
conversation, and I remember him saying this is Pat’s house … and the first
response was “oh my that’s a nice house.”
It was a big sprawled brick house nicely attended to from the
front. The garage had taken up most the
front of the house’s presence. But there
was a nice set of windows across the front which would seem obviously like the
front room.
The next surprise was that Rich had gone up to the door to
get Rich’s mother’s friend Pat, and the door was open, but out came a really
friendly looking person who wasn’t in bad shape like Rich’s Mom. The thought that came to mind was that she
was bubbly like Rich’s Aunt Diane and Uncle Bob. They are much older, but both they and Pat
seemed worldly and contemporary! She
wasn’t like old old like Rich’s Mom who has a frail body and looks as she might
for drinking and smoking her entire life.
Pat is like can stand straight up and moves probably better than
us. Rich talked about her being probably
10-15 years younger than his Mom which puts her more like the age of my Mother,
but again … much more worldly and able.
She seemed all at once like a strong woman and someone very able to take
care of herself.
Within a few moments we seemed to be talking up a
storm. We talked the whole way to the
golf course 45 minutes away. I so loved
it! She’s able to do two way
conversations like Rich and I might do or Linda. I was interested in finding out all about her
though. She had worked for the Veteran’s
Affairs through the government and had lived ALL over and she had taken early
retirement in part to take care of her parents and another lady Ruth who lived
with them. Unfortunately, her mother had
just recently passed. She said that she
will most likely be moving down to Florida, but then we didn’t want to handle
that part much because it was like she was only a couple of miles away and
someone to talk to who was interesting and very capably independent. We haven’t had anything like a friend here in
the Chicagoland area for about 20 years other than Rich and a few friends
through Rich. I don’t get out much and
don’t even know the people in the apartment, but Pat struck me as someone I’d
really like to get to know.
It was almost disappointing getting to the restaurant
because it meant us being more quiet again.
Rich went as far to call us chatty.
YEEKS! Dinner turned out to be
very nice. I was next to Rich who was
next to his brother Mark, and Bud was across from me, then Pat, and the Rich’s
Mother. I got kind of stuck in the back,
so I wasn’t able to get out easily, so I didn’t give out smooches, but Bud
noticed Hehehe. So we went and gave
everyone the appropriate greeting. Bud
looked in terrible shape as to moving slowly.
Rich’s mother was in a wheel chair instead of her walker, but she looked
happy to be there and had plenty to talk about.
It seems that Pat and she really fall into an easy relationship. I think that Pat does a better job of keeping
the conversations more on time and relevant and she’s very helpful toward Rich’s
mother in kind of a caretaker model. Sometimes
Rich’s Mom talked to the table and sometimes she and Pat just talked. It was difficult for me to converse because
my voice doesn’t carry in a way she can pick-up easily with her hearing
problems, and usually in larger company we get to a quieter listening
mode. Rich’s Mom had a TALL drink that
was like 5/6’s alcohol to water, but she had just that drink and I don’t think
she finished it.
Dinner was good and dessert was terrific and there was quite
a bit of conversation. Rich seemed to be
having more conversation with his brother, though he checked me several times
to make sure we were ok. We’ve been
bothering him enough about feeling invisible that it was to be expected in a
nice way. At one point I realized that
Bud wasn’t in the conversation either, so I struck up a conversation with
him. We talked just about general
things, but it was nice to have someone to converse with at the table. Rich and us can obviously talk, but together
when out, we tend to talk to the people we’re with than to each other. We know we’ll check things out with him later
as couples generally do as they are comparing insights as to relationships.
I didn’t feel necessarily like we had to rush. I was comfortable that we had plenty of time
before we were expected at Maury’s. Pat
was able to steer some of the conversation so that it wasn’t just centered on
Rich’s Mom. I really don’t mean to be
critical. But, most of the conversation as
mentioned before is just around her memories and we’re back to the old problem
of it being over five years and she still doesn’t know my kids names. We try to bring it up periodically, but
things like the number of grandchildren I have just go way over her head. It’s like she’s never really built up a
conception of it. I think she knows that
I have a son in the military in Washington DC, but I don’t know if she’d know
that we have 3 sons. I think too she’s
confused if they are married or not.
Sometimes you have to have some kind of internal scaffolding kind of
interest, but these things aren’t important in her world. Rich and I have talked about it many times
before. Where for us it hurts our
feelings, Rich is just like she’s old and you just have to take her for where
she’s at. And, we do, but there is a
sense of distance, because while we’ll always go with Rich to visit his mother,
it isn’t something we might do without a specific need. I guess Rich and us have a general
understanding that he is the caregiver and we are the caregiver’s
girlfriend. Rich still states he doesn’t
want to have me seeing his Mother when she’s overly drunk and rowdy. I guess I’m glad because I don’t want that to
be my major thoughts of her, though it seems we always are worrying about her drunkenness,
falling, or the calls coming at the middle of the night that take sleepy Rich
from the security of his bed.
After the luncheon, then we were back in the car with Pat
and an easy conversation happened again all the way home. We had readjusted our chair so we could turn
more toward her from the front seat without pulling our neck. The conversation seemed just as interesting. We had asked her if she’d like to come with
us to Maury’s and have dessert with them, but she stated she had to get back to
the dog. She calls her Betty Boop
2. He’s a twelve year old pug. We heard more stories about all that, but
again we want to provide privacy in conversation. At that time, she reminded us again that she’d
like us to stop in and see the house. We
were like fascinated. You of course know
what we are like in houses … like its heavenly.
She’d talked about how spacious the house was. So when we got back to her house, it was
raining, but she opened the door to her garage and Rich and us slipped in. One of the first things to notice was a piano
with a lot of pictures and this huge living room. But, there was a competition in our view
between looking the house space, and noticing how much stuff was in the
house.
The next thing was that we met Pat’s dog. She was a little barky at us at first, but
Pat picked her up and introduced her on more of an eye to eye level and the
Betty turned out to be really friendly.
I love dogs and was happy to find we weren’t an interruption in the dog’s
life in a negative way. Pat took us on a
glorious tour of the house. One room
unfolded into another and they were all great rooms – very large, nice
encasement windows – like Bay windows on all sides and again it was just
huge. Pat had told us of inheriting
around 3 families worth of “stuff” and she’s sorting through it which explains
the clutter, but she’s slowly working on taking care of it. We felt very comfortable in the house and we
offered to help Pat if she would like.
We still have to get past the quilt/holiday season, but I think she
might accept my company. We made sure
she realized that we couldn’t stand long, but I would be good to go as sorting
and taking care of most things from a sitting position. I can still move things around and get up and
down and do stairs, just that it is measured.
I appreciated she didn’t mind that when the little group tour moved from
one room to another that I would sit down to conserve body time standing. I felt bad though in that she was so much
more able to stand and move around even though most likely 20 years my
senior.
I talked to Rich to make sure he was ok with volunteering to
help and he said that it was up to me, but he said too that we had to watch
ourselves and not obsess again with houses.
He knows as well as I – that we’ve been looking to live in a house
again. Heheh – the first thing he said
out the door, was … it is tooooo big!
But, in our eyes it was perfect.
We liked the idea of Pat’s support in taking care of people
generationally and having taken in a woman from church because there space was
so big and she’d wanted to help. The
woman stayed for many years after and Pat took care of her mother, father, and
Ruth the friend.
We’ve talked a lot in the past about taking care of Rich’s
Mom if we had a house that she could stay at.
Having a guest room was always a part of the dreaming of offering her
and Bud a different living situation.
Maybe not all the time, but at least like Karen’s where you could give
them respite from one another. It
thrilled me to pieces to find the first thing when the garage door opened and
there was a ramp that it turned out Bud had built and that his mother could and
has been in the house – and that Pat knew his mother most likely even more and
certainly for longer than us. It just
seemed that it was doable and that if I built up confidence that I could
sometimes take Rich’s Mom’s to Pats. I
know we are way past ourselves and I would still hope that Pat wouldn’t allow
the smoking, but man-o-man how many doors suddenly opened up.
We thought Pat was very open in showing us her house. I also felt that she was describing such a big
space as maybe being open to have someone else move in. She knows we are in an apartment and it just
seems the kind of woman who has been used to living with people and suddenly
was without. She showed us even the
basement part which was like another living area. It had a den, a room she used to use as an
office and a bedroom; she used to stay in when the other three were still
alive. She talked about how the house
made adjustments to the different circumstances … it was a feeling of being
around an old fashioned sense of life where people took care of each other as
their responsibility.
I really had no idea if Pat would think or was thinking of
having Rich and us consider living with her, at least until she was at the point
of selling her house and moving south.
It might be a big open part of my imagination. I know she’s going to need quite a bit of
time in dealing with all her stuff. Rich
and us were just talking about how something has to move out of our space here
before moving something else in – like our problem finding space for the
chairs. We would have to make sure Pat
knew that we weren’t interested in taking her stuff, because we really have
enough of our own and it would then just be a duplicate where she’d taken
others stuff and it overwhelmed her house.
Our house doesn’t have those levels of clutter, but we have enough
furniture that it feels a bit cluttered too.
After a while at being at Pat’s place with her then we had
to go, but before we went we got and received the nicest hugs. It was like we’d met a kindred spirit. We could converse at the same level. I think she climbed much further in life then
we’ll most likely go, but we’ll putz around building that as we have been this
year. I’m in no means shameful of what
we do. I really do love our life. There is worrisome thoughts of what would
happen if something happened to Rich.
Afterward … Rich and us talked on the way to Maury’s house …
obviously Rich had seen my mind start to whirl and we had to be slowed
down. One of the big obstacles in
letting Pat get to know us is that we still have to deal with our
multiplicity. It’s hard, but most people
don’t really have much concept of disability.
There is something though. If Pat
did work with Veterans … maybe she knows quite a bit already about PTSD. Pretty much then we’re coming from an angle
she might be able to accept. She seems
so competent I don’t think she’s the type that would flap easily. She’s very perceptive … Just such a nice warm
person – you just can’t imagine!
Rich said afterward that I should say anything about his
mother like not being able to talk to each other where we weren’t just
listening. It’s hard though … I think
over the years and a lot through our writing is the key issue we have with
feeling invisible. We want relevancy in
someone’s life – we want a relationship where we can interrelate. And, even in our consideration in losing most
of Kendra from childhood we’ve really missed having a woman in our life we can
relate to on a similar level. That’s one
of the nicest things about Pat … she’s so gosh darn capable. It just seems though like us she could use a
friend in the neighborhood. All these
years we’ve never found someone to be close to in the area. I love my quilting sisters, but the
difference of space is problematic. I’m
so happy that the twins are going to be coming to visit us finally, but that’s
taken 3 years. It’s a hardship of space.
I know though that Pat wants to move to Florida … I don’t
know maybe she would stay longer. I don’t
know there are like a million thoughts going through our head and in it’s
normally obsessive manner we seem to be contemplating each one. As most things in life … it has to fit
together in hundreds of aspects for it to really work. It has to work all across the board. Like there would be the part of her having a
dog and wanting another while we have cats.
I don’t think she likes cats much, but like her dog of twelve years, we’ve
had our cats thirteen years. The animals
would have to live together. I think it
would go that the cats would pretty much stay in the basement and the dogs
would have upstairs and they would visit each other, but each take on their domains. There is soooo much space in this house it
could be done.
I don’t want to shirk the part where we are talking about
being at Maury’s afterward. It was a
very good time and it doesn’t deserve the fact we have just moments to write
before Rich drags us off to preparation for tomorrow. He’s been in already hinting strongly that it
is my turn to do my part – which takes me away from my writing, which you know
how much we love. We are now listening
to Christmas music and we do seem to be now thinking seasonally. After we’re already past Thanksgiving which
puts us in the middle of the season Hehehe.
We still have to deal with the part of the family coming tomorrow which
means cleaning today. I know what’s in
front of me … Just not having enough time to express all the thoughts that
yesterday brought.
So thinking with only minutes … just finishing up? One thing we wanted to say was that the
living space was doable to us and Pat in all directions. Shoot, I know I’m racing here … just don’t
want to stop. I know I’ve been dreaming
of a house for the last fifteen years, and nothing has ever shaped itself … we’ve
had so many thrills along the way though in putting together these
thoughts. I think it’s just part of being
a cancer is to feel the home as such an important domain. Last night Rich and I had a good time in
getting back home … and we massaged him all the way through a special, but
after he’d fallen asleep – we’d had a couple cups of coffee at Nikki’s … we
just laid in bed thinking of possibilities.
I think we’d have a hard time selling Rich on the idea. I think his hard part is that for one he
likes his independence too – though is very willing to help Pat out if she
needs something – especially because we’re only a couple miles away. But, other than that … he looks at a house as
something that will take him away from his life fishing and other things he
would like to do. Rich said that a house
like that would be way more and too expensive for us ever to buy and we know
that Pat wants to fix it up so she can sell it … that would put us in a position
of giving up a safe apartment for a situation that wouldn’t hold out over the
long run. But, you know me … shoot I keep
saying that … but the nesting part of me has taken over. We think that we’d be able to handle the
basement level for most of our living situation – with one room upstairs for
our actual bedroom.
Mostly what it would mean is that we’d turn the den into
Rich and our family room, and the other two rooms would be one – an office, and
two – a quilting room. That means that
most of our time would be spent downstairs when away from Pat, but we’d also
have our bedroom on the raised floor.
Ideally Pat would keep the bedroom she wanted and the extra bedroom
would be a guest room so her friends or our granddaughters could visit us J ßBig smiley face. Pat for some reason or another though has
taken a smaller bedroom instead of the bedroom her mother used to have. I think the mother’s room is actually bigger
and it has the most fantastic bathroom – in suite. Oh my gosh to see that bathroom – it is to
die for! It has a huge hot tub like
thing and I remember only the parts of it also having a shower, and it being
big enough for the three of us to stand WITH extra room. There was a wall with like three sides mirror
over the bathtub and the most scrumptious thing was that above the bath was
like a raised ceiling with this wonderful skylight. Oh man oh man. I could see Rich and us leaving the den
downstairs and coming up to our private suite.
There’d be a couple comfortable chairs with our normal bedroom stuff and
a TV and then I’d take these long baths as Rich found his tiredness enough to
get massaged. I’d be like dreamy!
I think one thing we figured too was that after being at
Maury’s house … his father had given him this piece of furniture which was a
beautiful fireplace encasement and this fake fire burning inside that looked
real. There was no need for ventilation,
because it was a fake fire, but it seemed so real. Rich said it was like a video set up to
illuminate the facade wood burning in the hearth. I LOVED it!
This room could handle something like that.
I would also LOVE to spend time to be with Pat in her
area. She would keep the bedroom and the
guest as discussed, but she’d also keep reign on the formal living room, dining
room, and family room upstairs. This
place had just the most huge kitchen with an island almost the size of our
kitchen, and it had a breakfast nook.
Again clutter everywhere, but you could see how wonderful the space
could be. Pat says she lived in mainly
the area of the kitchen, breakfast room and family room that was open to each
other. It’s plenty big a social space to
share, but would be Pat’s space to so we could live there and still give her
privacy. Both her and Rich like to cook,
so they’d strike up a relationship that way.
I can imagine doing things after the place cleared up some like doing
the handstitching while talking to Mary, but again having the privacy of the
den, office and sewing room downstairs.
There is also a big room for laundry down there, so I’m sure since all
the doors really open up to the hallway and laundry room that we’d have space
to share too – so that Pat would have an excuse to come downstairs and visit
especially when Rich wasn’t there. I’d
think that we’d have to get some kind of buzzer – Hehehe or she would need to
get a cell phone – AND she was talking about that so she could call us without
doing the walk if she wanted or needed help.
There would be a long time though in helping her order the
belongings she has inherited. AND, there’d
be a LOT of talking as women do, but also being able to work with another woman
without having to say necessarily much at all.
I would hope that she kept the space long enough so that if she did go
to Florida, she wouldn’t have to sell – she’s got a place there … so that she
could do season back and forth and we could help take care of the place in the
winter. Maybe do something like a rent
to own. We would have to put in enough
to cover all the expenses including covering her tax bill, but the house would
remain hers as long as she’d let us stay.
If we ever did stay long enough to buy it after she wanted out – and thinking
here someday we’ll inherit something from our mothers, then maybe one day we
could do the same for our kids.
I can’t help but to think that Thom and Joe will always be
ok, but Maury and Nikki with the four girls could really use a little
support. They are probably more than
ever away from getting their own place, but even if the girls were still living
with them and we were renting from Pat – with her coming up for the hot summer
months of FL they could stay there … by then we’d be able maybe to share space
with Maury so our living would stay the same.
Hmm, that wouldn’t work, but in general maybe one day after the house
was ours, then Rich and I could handle the house, but have Maury Nikki and any
of the kids still around to move into the house. I’m sure we’ll always be fine with the living
downstairs. We’d have to assure there
was some system though because the basements flooded before and needs the floor
to be fixed, but the bottom line is that with a house that big – if it were one
day ours then Maury, Nikki, us – either with or without Rich would be able to
handle the giganticness of the space – with or without girls. Just its one of those houses that will always
adapt.
I’m so way in front of the horse and buggy here. We don’t know that Pat wouldn’t want to
continue a plan where she moves in March and then we wouldn’t have a place to
live because it be forever before we could pay her the houses value, and we don’t
know how soon, she needs or would like to have the money from the house. The one thing we have going for us, is that
as long as she would have us, we’d continue sharing the space seasonally so she
could come back and forth as long as she wanted. I don’t know.
Just bowled over by the part of our brain that organizes and organizes
trying to find our future. BUT, we’re
like half an hour over the time we’d promised Rich so we’ve got to get going …
we see furniture and stuff of our own that needs cleaning and ordering. So, hmm???
Let’s get at that?
Ok, you shoo!
Pat's Place the one in the center with the red car :)
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