Wednesday, December 19, 2012 @ 9:38 AM
To Linda this morning …
Hi Girlfriend. We're guessing you are up, but getting things done. I've been up for about an hour and just talked to Rich. He's still at his mother's ... he said it was a rough night she was up about 4 times during the night ... allowing him just one hour sleeping periods. There was some wine in the house, but Rich said that he would empty the couple of bottles so there was only one drink left. He said she was yelling and screaming all night ... we're back to her thinking that she wants to live in a nursing home, but does not comprehend her not having alcohol or cigarettes. It seems to be a non-ending battle. No word from Bud or Karen - assuming that they got some sleep. Rich had things for work he had to do like deliver some product. He thought she'd sleep until about noon, but then she got up towards the end of the short conversation, so he had to go. Not sure what all will happen with the day, but Rich said he'd stop by around dinner and that he wanted to take me out for dinner. We were like no ... we are ok, and he didn't have to do that, but then he said that maybe HE had to go out for something nice. We couldn't argue that point. *sigh*
We went to bed after we'd talked to you last night. Not much there. We really do have to have a productive day in the sewing room today. Not ready for that now ... it's just after 9 am. We're thinking that we might need to do an alternative plan with the kids - maybe go out to dinner instead of having things here. It is not the same kind of deal, but if Rich doesn't have enough time to cook because he's out with his mother, then we'd still get a chance to have dinner with the kids. It might be strange, but we'd arrange to have it in our Mexican place. They seem to have enough room easily for a party of 13. That would take some of the pressure off. We'll talk to Rich about it tonight. It would come out of our dinner out with the kids budget. We'll have to see ... just too many questions out there yet. Rich was saying that his brother called last night and that he was not going to be able to "come home" to that sort of thing again. He doesn't see how his own boisterousness adds to the complication, but he's right that she's not real fit to stay with. He ran into the same stuff Rich does or Bud that she over drinks and then just yells and yells. I know same story ... over and over again. But, it puts more pressure on Rich as the only one that is dealing with his mother.
I also worry because Karen is now handling their finances and it’s clear that she’s going to protect her father without regard for his mother. It seems unconscious able that she just left her in whatever state she was in without waiting for Rich to get there. It just seems like a dangerous thing to do. Sometimes I think I should be doing more in taking time to be with her, but then Rich is careful too not to put us in a situation of her being drunk with me and yelling. He knows we don't do anger well. It keeps me in a light-weight position, but again Rich is in charge of all that ... and we're not pushing to be in that position either. I feel my job is to be Rich's advocate ... and I'm afraid he has to deal with her as she is. It's sad, but the way it is. He really loves her a lot no matter what. She IS his mother.
So that pretty much catches us up. I'm thinking it’s going to be a shopping day for you, but I didn't recall on the sewing ... seems you wanted to get at least a couple of rows done. It seems admirable. We have to fight our preference to be doing the ironing instead of the sewing. The sewing is more pressure some. We did talk to Dr. Marvin yesterday which was very nice. We talked primarily about the two things of what was going on with the house, and then what was happening with the ironing and sorting. There was more to it than that, but right now we're just remembering that tears were falling as we talked. I don't think we ever stopped to "just cry", but it kept happening as we or he talked. I think we're dealing with a certain amount of depression. There is the one part about not being able to get the house, but as well, we are dealing with a lack of belief in our relationship with Rich. Basically, we're going over a sense of hopelessness with him making any real commitment. We're talking the 15 years of being a mistress and that situation stopping not because he chose, but his wife did as to him leaving, so he THEN came to live with us, it then continues in not getting married, not getting a house, and then not having a planned future like financially through insurance or whatever that I could survive without him. To me when we get into all this it feels very bleak.
There's another part of that that we have to deal with what we started in discussion with him last week in that we have the same entitlement feelings as we've claimed CS to have. Basically, without doing anything in particular to contribute, we are expecting him to take care of us, rather than coming up with some alternative plan to take care of ourselves. Right now it doesn't seem that we are getting past a $1450 monthly credit for our life. If Rich weren't here we'd still be responsible for $900 rent, plus electricity, food, etc. The money doesn't go very far and it seems obvious that we'd have to move. It be a matter of would someone let us live with them of the family. The options are the boys, mother, or CS. I'm not thinking any of those situations are immediately doable. My mother would mean craziness and leaving the area, CS would be craziness, but staying in the general area - and the money would have to go toward refinishing their basement if they would have us. With either Joe or Maury - it would mean intruding on their families, and most likely giving them the majority of the money so they could get into a bigger place.
I don't think being in this area we could rent for much cheaper. I don't know maybe there would be one bedroom apartments, but we're still thinking $600-700. And, sooner than later we're going to have to deal with school loans. UGH.
Ok, you can see where this is going - not very far into something positive. I think we go through this every upset of looking at places that would be more permanent where Rich would insure the place being paid if something happened to him - or for that matter us. I don't know in general pretty depressing. Thinking we're writing enough of our thoughts, that we are going to take this entry and include it as a blog entry. Yup-yup that's about where we are at.
AHA … about this time Linda signed on … so we should find out where she is going with her life this morning. She’s getting coffee now. It’s taking her a while, maybe she’s catching up. We left her a LONG note to be reading.
Hmm, now it’s a while later … almost 11 AM. It’s very wonderful to talk to Linda through IM’s – just an out and out good experience. We generally keep up with other’s lives, encourage forward, and before organizing the day in front of us we have a few good laughs – sometimes even about ourselves. Can’t overdue our own ability to look at selves with humor – EVEN after we’ve been grouchy.
Linda’s day includes shopping, maybe meeting with a friend and sewing. Our day includes a little more writing, then going to the sewing room, and then maybe bringing Maury to his place – his van will stay overnight for servicing. Ahh just talked to Rich and he’s probably now pulling up in the parking lot. He said we’d be back from dinner in time to take Maury home.
We’re back … It is now about 12:15 PM and we’re just out of the shower. We’ve been talking to Rich for about an hour, and then we jumped in the shower, and now it is his turn. He smells terrible – happens every time he’s at his Mom’s due to her smoking. I thought he his lips smelled so gave him specific instructions on cleaning them … Hehehe. Yes, I’m sure he appreciated that. He likes to remind me that the first dozen years he was with me, WE smoked. Oh Lordy, we just couldn’t have smelled that bad *GULP*
We talked mostly about his mother. Same picture over and over … she drinks/smokes, yells & screams. Last night he said she got back up to scream four separate times. They are still talking about her going to a nursing home, but she’d not be able most likely to drink and smoke, and that always seems to slow down the process. Plus there are all the financial and legal things between her and her husband, so nothing really happens fast. Both Karen for her father, and Rich for his Mother deal with things the most. God Bless’m.
Rich wants to go out to dinner with us about 1:30 PM. No problem there … I don’t like the plan where we then lose him the rest of another night. No telling where Bud and his daughter are at. But and her are taking off on their own when they don’t want to deal with Rich’s Mom and then he is called no matter what he has to do otherwise, especially for work. It seems fair that each’ son or daughter is taking care, but Bud has five kids to take care of him, and Rich’s Mom has just one. Mark, Rich’s brother was reached yesterday … he drives truck cross-country and is now saying that he can’t emotionally stay with his mother when he gets home for Christmas. It seems then Rich isn’t getting any break. But, the way it is going … Bud and his daughter Karen are now in charge of all the money matters. That’s not looking good for Rich’s mother. We’re still angry that they both left her alone because Rich couldn’t get out of his game he was officiating. It’s his work! It’s just really scary stuff. Rich is more trusting then we are … just think that Rich should be protecting his mother legally. Ok, that’s enough of that.
Too much stress.
Next thing I guess … we won’t have enough time to sew before we go … actually, we might, but I want to be here in the living room when Rich gets out of the shower so we can be spending some kind of time together. While we were in the shower he put on a TV show and we’re not crazy about that idea at all, but I know it relaxes him – so be it. He put it on pause and I’m sure he’ll finish it before we go out to eat. I’m not sure if it had been taped, but seems to be now.
We did talk to Dr. Marvin … and I think we discussed this before, though some of the discussion might have been with Linda between writing sections of this note.