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Monday, January 21, 2013

Finding our inner piece ... alongside Obama

Monday, January 21, 2013 @ 12:07PM

Good morning – or better yet, good afternoon.  This is us and we are documenting as to the great dinner last night and left overs today.  We had seen this dinner on FB and showed Rich and then he said, sure he could make it, and then he did!  BRAVO TO THE COOK!  It was really delicious!

I don’t know if I can really get better than that, BUT it was a weekend of seeing family so we can extend those happy vibes.  We had last left off on Wednesday five days ago, so there are probably more than just a few things that happened, but the key points are that we saw Dr. Marvin on Friday afternoon, and then we went out with Isa, Saturday morning as well as seeing the rest of her family.  Then in the afternoon, we saw Thom and Austin – which is a combination we haven’t seen for over ten years.  AND THEN, to make things really nice we saw most of Maury’s family on Sunday afternoon, and we got a special lunch with Ame.  Oh my gosh was it a great weekend!

I will try not to go into too much stuff with the Grandchildren, but I’m sure I could squeak out a few things? 

Just off the top of my memory was that Isa and I each had pancakes and a sausage, and then she had pop and we had coffee.  It was a really nice thing.  She let me do the cutting of the food and she was very patient, and before we cut it she had me put both butter and syrup – a LOT of syrup on her plate.  Then we did the same.  We were able to talk about a few things, but primarily after we ate and talked, she had gone by herself to the bathroom to wash her hands, and then we put on our phone a game she’s been playing on her sister’s phone called Temple Run.  It has monkeys chasing the subject and the runner jumped, ducked turned right and then turned left.  Of course, the runner is gaining points, and time credit and such so there’s some competitive things going on.  We eventually put the game also on our Kindle and we both played against each other.  Isa beat me easily by gaining 23,000 points, to my 9,000.  Shoot, it was harder than it looked!

The next part was Austin and Thom.  The thing we would like to say here is our first impression.  We’d been in the car waiting for them, and then we looked up and they were standing together and Austin had his arms wrapped around his Dad’s arm.  Just smiled and smiled!  It was kind of like that throughout.  Thom and Austin sat next to each other obviously and Austin was excited as all get-out!  About 95% of the conversation was between them and Austin fire-shot quick questions to his Dad and between the two of them they had this excellent conversation.  I was heard a few times, but I was not nearly as quick as the two of them.  I was also taken in when they were both looking at the menu.  Both of them were faced down so you were looking from a forehead down position and it was amazing that they both had the same head shape and features such as eyelashes.  It was pretty amazing to see them finally together.  I was just in awe.  At one point Austin made a statement about the Queen of England also being the Queen of Canada, Australia, New Zealand and more and his father wasn’t sure … so in the short run, we asked our phone and it confirmed Austin’s statements.  That tickled Austin to pieces.  Not that it could be done on the phone so easily, but because he was proven correct and his Father wrong.  He doesn’t do it meanly, but he really seems intent on being shinier than his Father Hehehe.  It’s just part of his age and he IS competitive like the other boys.  We did miss Laura, but it was nice to put us together as she had.  My understanding was that she had other plans, so things worked well, and it was a good time.  I think the most impressive parts of the conversation included games and geography/history.  Between the two of them, they know way more than I ever did.  For example, Austin was naming countries in Africa he wanted to know if his Father would like to visit.  It was pretty cool.

The last dinner out was with Ame.  She started pretty shy, but gradually gained her voice and giggles.  We talked about things like her best friend and her favorite subject right now as to being wolves.  She said she would like to study them, so then of course we suggested she could study them BY doing that, but then writing books on it.  We did show her our book on the Kindle … so that was a little like showing off, but I want the kids to know they can do real things that are important in the world.  It is not that my book was that important singularly, but to finish a task like writing and publishing is a feat – and that being so, it is most likely in their blood too.  We talked about other things as well such as her visiting Yellowstone and her going to fly to Washington DC in March.  She also talked about her concert orchestra group.  There was a little bit on her thinking her sister was crazy, but we weren’t sure of that, nor were we sure that the furbie being held by the girl at the next table was crazy was happening either.  Her face was very real though in its description of being very scary and talkative.  We talked about being crazy and that people with mental disabilities were sometimes thought of as crazy, and that I had disabilities so was then crazy too.  That one confused her a little and I don’t think she wanted to believe it and we thought it best not to push, because it seemed unsettling to her.  I know she will be fine, but she has to know that if she entertains those kinds of conversations that we can and will go there too.  The concept of being crazy is one of my most favorite, in that sometimes it seems to be a fine line that assists or distracts our ability to do things of productivity.

I so look forward to more conversations down the line.  We will be going out with Jasmine on Friday at 5PM and then we’ll be out with Jade for Saturday lunch at 11:30AM.  This is such a great event to be hosting.  I hope we’re able to keep it up as to the cost part.  Rich is very much in favor of us getting out and about and getting opportunities to see the Grandchildren.  I’m grateful for that.  It’s just such a new flood of thoughts and ideas.  I feel blessed to be in their company.

Good-good … now heavy sigh, take a deep breath, and then move on. 

I suppose the next thing then would be to see what we recall of the Dr. Marvin conversation.  The first part of that meeting needed to go to the pharmacy before that.  I had finally gotten a Medicaid card before that so I was able to use that instead of the MAP program.  Mostly, it meant that I didn’t have to deal with that terrible person who has been at the pharmacy and deals with that.  The person that does the Medicaid is a lot smarter and more personable.  She was really nice and saw that we understood what was happening.  There was no reason to be bitter with me.  I can’t say how much we appreciated that.  The nice lady’s name was Clara.  The other nice thing was that she was much more time-orientated so instead of taking 45-60 minutes she only took 15 minutes AND the additional nice thing was that the medicine through Medicaid only cost $2 each where the medicine before had cost $48 or more – true for the group of medicine (7 items), but still it was a lot cheaper. 

There was one problem in that one of my medicines – the Ritalin, is usually for younger people with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so Medicaid doesn’t pay for it with adults.  There is one hope there in that Dr. Marvin has to write to Medicaid about special usage of the Medicine and with that we might be able to a special permission.  The worst possibility isn’t too bad, in that it could cost $20 for a month’s prescription.  Obviously that’s not the first option we’d want, but it does make things possible if that’s what has to be done.  I don’t recall anymore why Dr. Marvin switched us to that medicine.  I’m thinking that test studies were proving the last medicine to be more dangerous and so it was being taken out of circulation.  It’s been a while now.  It is one of the newest medicines I’m taking – not in years out on the market, but as to my needs.  Dr. Marvin doesn’t do a lot of experimenting, because generally he chooses medicines that are going to work.  We feel grateful of that.

So, because we’d budgeted so much time to getting the normal medicine, we were at Dr. Marvin’s with over an hour to go.  I felt bad for the person before me.  I recognize the lady because we’ve seen her coming in and out of Dr. Marvin’s office, and when we walked past her, and then we saw it put a worry in her eyes.  We were supposed to see Dr. Marvin at 4 PM, and she was supposed to see him at 3:30PM, but then she thought her appointment was at 3 PM.  I sit normally close to Dr. Marvin’s door and she sits in the general waiting room, so she came and knocked on his door when she figured she was late.  Dr. Marvin had yet a third appointment in his office and we all waited longer.  In actuality Dr. Marvin was on time, but all his personal appointments had strange hours because he’d been out at other meetings the rest of the week.  He trains Psychiatry students how to take their official examinations and sometimes he has to be gone around the country on that kind of work.

I’ve probably told you that before, but it’s a good thing to refresh.  We’re really proud of Dr. Marvin.  I know you knew that … just thought we’d remind J

So then the next part was that it was our turn.  We weren’t as slow to warm up as we usually are.  We talked first about what was happening with the medicine and Dr. Marvin thought I’d be able to pick up the medicine on either Tuesday or Thursday.  It turns out we have plenty to keep us going even if we got it on Thursday.  I just don’t want to put it out of sync with the regular pick-up time because I wouldn’t want to go to the pharmacy twice each month.  Maybe though, if we were regulated as to getting Medicaid, we’d be able to take the business back to our normal pharmacy.  It would be a lot easier.  It’s hard for us to walk the extra distance, and especially go through extra nonsense of that last lady who was so difficult.

Man did I dislike her … and just about as bad as the less intelligent woman at the cash register.  Just don’t think a lot of that whole mess.

Ok, moving on…

After we finished talking to Dr. Marvin, I think the next thing is that we told him we wouldn’t be getting the condo.  Then I’m pretty sure we discussed that up and down.  We talked more on the alcoholism parts and what that would have meant – especially in taking care of some of the harder things of toileting, and other things like that that crossed physical barriers.  I know that if I were in the position to need doing it, I would take it on, but it had been really unnerving when one of the statements Rich’s Mom made to Rich was she wasn’t sure that I (Ann) could take care of her.  I have to admit that at that moment because she wasn’t walking down the hall by herself or going to the bathroom by herself, well that was a bit of a startle to me.  It was as if she’d given up trying to be a whole person.  It’s not as if you are less of a person for not taking care of you most basic needs, but that concept of people being around just to help you rather than you having your own importance other than servitude … I don’t know those are really hard concepts for me.

I think another part that really wears into the situation was the part about taking care of people who aren’t taking care of themselves.  Some things would be particularly difficult such as cleaning out other’s ashtrays, and filling-up an alcoholic’s drink.  We’ve really become strong this last couple of weeks in trying to foresee being with Rich’s Mom – the value of our own ideals and then realizing that Rich’s mother’s goals are to stay drunk.  She makes it from her bedroom to her kitchen and most often doesn’t go much further.  She listens for the clock to tell her it is time, but she doesn’t always wait.  Mark had said one of the last times he was there; she had gotten up at 4AM to poor herself one more drink (for the evening).  I don’t think she’s very honest in her lack of personal demands and host of demands on others just to assist her in maintaining her drunk.  I just honest to God don’t put a lot of value in those sets of goals.  It really leaves me conflicted.

I also see that she’s a person worthy of respect, particularly because of her age and being Rich’s mother.  But, getting that sorted out from her just being drunk.  It’s really hard.  There’s a part of me that feels at this point that it might be a really much better thing that she goes more directly from her place to a nursing home.  I understand that parts of me still might be angry, but I think that’s the kind of care she’s looking for.  She wants something tangible instead of hoping for something more idealistic like in developing real conversations with people who care about her.  There was a couple conversations this week as to how conscientious she is of all this … this series of obstacles she’s putting out on people – like in Rich missing his work time to take care of her.  I think she’s conscientious and just worthy to not care about Rich and Rich things she’s just blind-sided to what she’s doing.  I know it’s unfair to keep doing it, but I’m pretty sure that our boys are going to be honest – even if brutal to keep us balanced in reality if we were her.  I can sure as well bet that none of them would see a purpose in keeping me high on nicotine and alcohol or any other drug for that matter.  They just wouldn’t respect the lifestyle or be caught dead promoting it for their mother. 

In that respect I really dislike the amount of control Rich’s mother has on the family.  If left to her own devices she couldn’t take care of herself, but she makes others feel like shit if they aren’t doing more for her.  I just don’t get it and with these kinds of feelings – in me, I most probably wasn’t the best person to take care of having her stay with us.  I certainly wouldn’t go to the point of living in her “whelm.”  It would be hard for her to live in my life, but I would NOT want to be a servant of hers.  Some of these feelings of servitude are probably coming back from the past.  Growing up sexually, physically and mentally abused, I had thought that my only sense of worth was the amount I could serve others.  It’s taken a long time to get to a point, where I can believe I’m worthy of myself for just being me.  In a sexual situation, for example, your service is to allow a situation where the others can use your mental, physical, and spiritual being to bring their heinous acts to bear.  Just because it can be done – especially to little children – it builds a case of the deepest anger for having to take care of others particularly to those who disrespect our sense of self.  I am bordering on these kinds of thoughts apply to Rich’s mother.

I’m angry still that she wasn’t able to see that we, or Rich or anyone else in her life have value to them.  It’s not all about how those people can help “me” as a star, but how we get to know one another.  With alcoholism, people want more of an audience rather than an equal.  I have to sincerely say, I’m really against all that.  I don’t know what I would do if put in that situation again.  I know that my desire to live in my own house is so strong that it seemed more reasonable to be putting up with a drunk.  But, just the amount of damage she’s done in trying to establish her lifestyle over others, it’s just the most damaging thing.  One of the most frustrating single thoughts … was that although we’d found a place for only $120,000, she told Rich without seeing or feeling the house that it was too expensive.  There’s some very angry part of us that wants to scream – how the hell would you know what is too good for me?

Hmm, I don’t know if we’ve gotten that point out across to Dr. Marvin, although I’m sure he could foresee it.  I don’t know … maybe she plans on willing us her trailer home?  I don’t mean to sound here if we were ungrateful, but that’s a hell of a lot of control for anyone to be placing on anyone.  I’d rather spend the rest of my days in a rental apartment than to give into the belief that someone could tell me we weren’t good enough 1) to be taking care of her, and 2) to not being good enough for a $120,000 condo.  It just infuriates me.  It’s much more than a slap in the face, it’s more like a declaration of war.  I know I am just angry at the moment, and don’t want to be putting out these kinds of angry vibes, but we’ve always allowed ourselves to be honest here.  I know I’m going to have to calm down our thoughts again, but for now … we’re kind of steamed.

Fortunately, we’ve had sort of a distraction to us in that we’ve been watching or listening to the inauguration take the oath and duties of office.  It had been official yesterday, but today they put it out there in pomp and circumstance.  After the public display they now have a luncheon in the congressional hall and there is speech making going on in the background along with the clicking of cameras.  There are only 219 people allowed to sit down to dinner.  Today is a day where people talk about working equally together.  Maybe this is where we have to go again with Rich’s mother.  Maybe not herself literally, but her situation – Rich is much to his own mind on this being how to take care of his mother.  Our position is to assist him, but it won’t be to assist her.  I don’t know if we’ll get past this part due to the levels of anger we carry.  I don’t want to hurt her or besmirch her … just she’s making ourselves as frustrated as hell.  I’m sorry.  Trying to get over this … just it’s going to take more thoughts on most likely another day.

We just paused to have a couple of peanut butter rice cakes.  I hate to use it for an excuse, but sometimes it’s still best to switch our moods through food … seems to help us separate the parts going back into withdrawal from the parts coming out hopefully next that are more optimistic.  I don’t know if we really got done with the part about being with Dr. Marvin.  One of the strongest things he said was that Rich should think about joining AL anon because of the toll that drinking of his mother may have on him and his enabling the situation.  Pretty much Dr. Marvin says that you just have to walk away and allow that person to find rock bottom.  I know that Rich cares for his mother, but he’s way over his head as to knowing how best to treat the situation of her alcoholism.  If he’d ask I’d go with him, because we’re feeling our own anger, but primarily it is important that he go because he’s not getting any real support.  I don’t know if I’d get to the point of going on my own without him.  I suppose I could … it’s just that I already get so much support from Dr. Marvin.  I wouldn’t want to confuse the message between one and another.  I also might have problems in that my thoughts on God aren’t real strong.  I will always believe in a God … just hate to be with religious people in a church type gathering … I know I can still pray, but it’s not the first thing I reach for.  More on that on a day I felt stronger in talking about such things.

I don’t know if Rich would feel the same.  We never talk about religion.  It seems better that way.

Hmm, just saw Linda for a second.  She was on her way to the hardware store and then she will come back to sew.  Maybe that’s what she’s done this morning.  We missed each other … I didn’t get the impression that she was doing the inaugural stuff, but maybe it was on in the background while she was sewing – it was just not mentioned.

I don’t know … we’re feeling kind of down because of the conversation from earlier.  I guess we go pretty quacking from anger to depression.  We still have the TV on in the background and its now between the congressional dinner and the parade.  I think it has started, but it is not to the point of the media display of it.  We’ve been listening to CNN which means Dana, Wolf, Anderson, John and more.  AHA … the President is coming now!


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