This is what it would look like to Rich's Mom and us sitting at the kitchen nook table. Isn't this one of the most beautiful pictures!??
Wednesday, January 09, 2013 @ 10:07 AM
Good morning … this is us again. It’s a day after we last wrote, because we took yesterday off pretty much to be recovering from the all-nighter on Monday night/EARLY Tuesday morning. We had had the coffee about the time that Linda said she was getting some … we thought oh man what a good deal that was … just felt like some hot tasty coffee, even though it isn’t a traditional thing for us to get some when she took her afternoon sips with cookies. We really paid the price for that decision. You’d read already about our difficulty in getting sleep. Our mind was just “a-whirring.” Maybe we could fill in there a bit.
I’m not sure, but thinking that we were having trouble thinking about the rooms about the time that Rich was moving. I don’t think he got up for a while … maybe somewhere around 7 AM. I think we took our medicine pretty close to time – so might have just wrote loosely. I think we checked in with Linda – or, at least must have left her a note because she seems to know that we did the all-nighter. I think what happened next is that Rich did get up and he came into the living room with coffee. We just sat on the couch petting chief until Rich started talking at a more woken-up pace. I think he also arranged to go out to breakfast with Bob and in looking at his cell phone he’d discovered that Charlie had sent the contract to his email. So when Rich went out, we downloaded the JPG contract which was about 16 pages. We then printed it and spent the time that Rich was gone reading over the contract very carefully while taking notes. This is the questions we came up with for Charlie.
Hi Charley … Just a few things … well mostly I need general information … I want to understand things going on with the contract. Both Rich and I read the contract separately and we both discussed it. He listened point by point … and in general he doesn’t think there are any problems, but is “allowing” me to ask my questions. Please let me know if I should be concerned with anything on the list. Here goes…
12. Should parking (garage or driveway) be included as to # of spaces?
20. Should we include the water softener?
22. Do we need to include the intercom system?
24. Was that “gidgit” by the hall bathroom really a security system and should we include it to find out more about it.
49-54. This wasn’t checked off one way or another … can we simply pick it up online so it can be checked off? Don’t anticipate a problem.
114. Rich seemed to have a better grasp on it then we do, but 30 years is correct? I may be confusing it with a short balloon payment that I thought Rich wanted of 3-5 years. Need a little help here firming my understanding. Not sure I understand amortized.
132. It seems that Rich is going to look at our State Farm insurance for the home, question was maybe to them, but do we need a home inspection to appease the evidence of insurability? I had thought previously – though now maybe a moot point, but that it was just to well-inform the buyer.
209. Could you explain a little what escrow closing is? For example as to escrow is there any advantage to the buyer closing with cash as to sharing the title company escrow? Please forgive me there’s so much I don’t know. Back in the day they would point, we would initial and it wasn’t something there was really set time to do.
255. Rich stated clearly though contrary to me (he wins this one) that he doesn’t want to clean up after people … so we’re not going to worry about that ... so it would be left as responsibility and cost on them the seller. Sorry … it would have seemed nicer.
261A. It states that real estate in SOME municipalities might have ordinances during the pre-closing inspection … does our municipality have them?
309. Little thing, but the word “VE” should be “BE?” I don’t think it matters, but just in case it did … bringing to your attention J
313 A. – D. Just wanted to make sure we’re ok here in lieu of Rich having a loan on his mortgaged property though he explains he’s not on the deed. Does anything get noted in this whole series? Or are we good?
386. Is there any reason we might have to pay additional earnest money?
402. It states buyer shall be responsible for any administrative fee for establishing escrow account. Is there then a fee? And, if so when would we know.
409. I wasn’t sure what interim financing was. Rich thought it had more to do with mortgages we’re not looking for … I just need to know it has nothing to do with possibly receiving financing through Mark, Rich’s brother. Probably a “don’t worry Ann” statement J
436. I’d like to make sure possession would be same day as closing … does this statement without dates noted cover that?
441. In the past I recalled an amount or rate per day being filled in in case the seller didn’t vacate on time … could or should this be filled out? I know a lot of IF’s to getting financing that might not work. I’m just trying to understand.
466. Does this line require a specific name like the attorney looking over the contract? Do you have a back-up in case Rich’s attorney/friend doesn’t work out?
I know it’s probably piddly, but the seller didn’t notice on the disclosure report an awareness of “material deficit in the wall” meaning I think the crack in the LR under the balcony window. Should this be stated anywhere or will it just come out with a home inspection report?
Ok, that’s all… Other than these little things I think Rich and I are set to take the next step. Should it be done over the phone and scanned to you. Or would it be easier if we came in?
Either of us can be reached at this time.
Ok back again. So when Rich got home we went over these items – though at that time they were on scratch paper. It was a good discussion and there were things that were resolved, but from what were left, Rich said it was ok to ask Charlie. I phoned him to let him know the note was there … and I could tell we were working at different speeds. Charlie went over a couple of things, but in general we knew our questions weren’t to slow down the process of contracts they were just us trying to understand them. So while we were on the phone, Charlie gave us instructions on how to sign or initial the contract. We didn’t get it down perfectly, but Rich and I did get things done on the contract, and then we scanned it and emailed it back to Charlie.
After a while, Charlie called back with the few changes on the contract … like Rich and I initialed somewhere we shouldn’t and a few things like that, but in particular Charlie had arranged his time to go over the questions with me. It was an excellent thing to do. I read over my own questions and realized how much I’d gotten to the point of feeling bad for interrupting people, but that I did want to be included too which meant trying to understand the contract to our fullest ability. Charlie was very patient, and very good at explaining and answering our further questions. He seemed to go slow enough to assure that I was comprehending his response to the queries. I really appreciate him a lot and think that if for nothing else … I met a really unique person to Charlie. He’s very much one of the good guys, but we also get the feeling he can play hard ball if necessary. I get the impression that he has regular cowboy good manners and they go out especially to women in that he treats them with respect and kindness - EVEN if we ask things that might be silly. I don’t think we really went there, but I wouldn’t know because Charlie answered all my questions as if every answer were the most important thing in the world. I really GRATEFULLY appreciate that kind of effort. I know that for the real estate market trying to get a difficult sale (due to our debt-income-ratio) is something that is “little” in the whole scheme of selling real estate, but Charlie is working on it with as much intent as if he were selling a multi-million dollar estate. I hope at the end we can give him a big hug! Rich seems to have the same kind of respect. You can tell when guys are taking good care in building a business relationship. Rich knows that Charlie knows enough to respect his opinion. Good deal all around. We’ve heard a little about Charlie through his conversation enough to know he’s married and has kids and has had an interesting life, and it would be nice to do this enough to keep Charlie around … but we know that he stays involved in current projects and will move on … just saying he’s really nice to work with.
After we talked to Charlie for 20-30 minutes, he asked and it was answered that yes, it was time for him to make an offer on the contract to the seller. This is the contract where we ask the sellers to accept a balloon payment for $114,000 so that we will put in a down payment of 60% and we are asking them to finance at 4 ½ % the remaining 40%. It could be a good deal for them, but it might not be what they are looking for. It’s just that you don’t know until you ask. At that rate … Rich and I would give them $68,400 and then they would finance $45,600. I don’t know how to figure out the interest, but if I calculate straight up … 4.5% of $45,600 is $2,052 they would be earning on the money. Charlie said it would be amortized over 30 years so that we would get the lowest payment until it was due in 3-5 years – the balloon part. Using a mortgage calculator … it would be paying them $228.01 per month for 360 months so that we would in the end have paid $82,083.60 total .. So t could cost $36,483.60 EXTRA if we didn’t pay them right away and it took 30 years. If we added $500 (like Rich’s Mother’s $500 monthly)… in 5 years … we’re thinking it would be about $5,880 paid in interest so that in three years might be like $3,024, but I’m not sure if that was figured right. I’d have to ask Charlie, but at this point … I’m thinking it could be at least about 3,000 in interest paid in three years – so about $1000 of interest paid yearly to borrow $45,000 at 4.5% interest. That be great if it weren’t any more and certainly worth it to not only buy the house, but to pay it off.
I think from what Charlie was saying was that we’d pay the monthly – lowest payment and then as balloons work – the total would be paid at the end … so in this above situation – we would pay $228 a month to the seller, so for every year – let’s say three years … we’d pay them $2,736 a year so in three years $8,208 if $45,000 was borrowed plus $3024 interest would mean $48,024 - $8,208 would mean a pay-off in 3 years of an additional $39,816 … so if we divided that in 36 months it would mean we should be saving an addition $1,106 in an account to pay them off.
Let’s see then if this logic were correct … If we did it for five years it would be $45,000 + $5,880 = $50,880 and paying $228 per month = $13,680 for five years … so that would be $50,880-$13,680 = $37,200 balance at the end of five years meaning we’d have to be saving besides the monthly $228 – a total of $531 per year … this would come from Rich’s mother’s income, but it would mean that we could totally own the house in 3-5 years, or that if the extra $37,200 wasn’t saved, we would have to take out another loan from the bank for the money, but that still might not be a good deal, because we could still conceivably have high debt/income ratio.
If we thought of it properly, we could go that for the three years – so Mark could retire and have a home – so if he lent us the $45,000 – we could deposit in an account for him for each of those 36 months $1,334. It would mean that Rich’s mom’s payment of $1334- $500 = $834 … so that I or Rich and I would pay in $834 each month … we’d still have $174 for association and about $391 for taxes and insurance (we should though get in one year taxes cut in half due to my disability), but at that rate … it would mean a total of $1334 + 391 + 174 = $1899 each month for Three years. Even with Rich’s Moms at $1899-500 .. it would mean Rich and us would be coming up with about $1400, plus we’d have to pay utilities. It would mean totally owning our house in three years, but I just don’t see us coming up with an additional $500 plus what we are paying now ($900). Maybe Rich has this figured out in a different way I’m not seeing. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens next …
The really bottom line thing now is that Rich and I did put a bid on the property yesterday and Charlie said that it might take hopefully no longer than Friday to see what they will do. I think they have five full business days so we’re thinking they could have up to Tuesday at 6 PM for a response. I know that Rich is keeping in touch with his mother and brother and I think he’s going to his mother’s today. There is nothing to do but wait for the next decision - this one being the sellers.
Yup yup … Rich was and has now gone to his mothers. I think he had to pick-up something for her too. We should get some things done today, but we’re thinking that we’re going to be writing most of the day … we’ve still got in our mind that we’d like to finish the slow version of looking and commenting on all the pictures like in the last entry. We also have some time to think through after the initial contract when in. Charlie will give us a call if anything is happening – or, he might call Rich direct. That’s most likely what will happen unless Rich says, can you call Ann.
After we talked to Charlie, I think we laid down for a bit of time. Maybe too we laid down about an hour before he called to explain the things we had asked about … I do know that we laid down between noon and 2:30 PM. We woke-up automatically though we’d backed-ourselves up with Rich getting us up too so that we wouldn’t miss Dr. Marvin’s appointment.
We talked to CS on the way to Dr. M.’s … they are still in the middle of their move. They have about 2/3rds their stuff in WI, but Mark and her have to take another trip – we would think between today or tomorrow. Theoretically Mark is supposed to start working by Friday and today is Wednesday, but they really have to get up for that last load. One is because Nathan might lose the truck they need and second the attorneys with the house in MN state they only have until the 15-16th. I’m not sure which. There’s no reason that a person would put this kind of thing off. And, we know they need the money from Mark’s work, but they do have something from CS income and unless they want to risk losing their stuff … just nothing to fool around with. I know she isn’t playing games, and she did get help from Nathan eventually and some neighbors help so I am grateful for her of them. I thought I saw something about her unpacking … and that just made me nervous … really have to finish the move. Ok, we’re going in circles here. If she’s not stressed out by now … no reason we should be either. Just a lot to be on her mind and we did invite her to share. We talked to Dr. Marvin about our thoughts and feelings on things for about 15 minutes last night and the other time went to house issues. Most of the conversation was on maintaining boundaries so I wouldn’t feel guilty for CS. It’s a tough blow, but the thought is that she created her problems, now she has to deal with them and if the boundaries aren’t REALLY firm – we could inherit problems that weren’t ours. We’ve talked to CS a lot about the blurring of boundaries concerning her other family other than us. It just be the wrong thing to do to merge into all that … Psychologically, we just don’t need it.
So at that … we’re moving on which brings up another question in point that also has to do with boundaries. There was the part of the conversation that we were talking and listening with Dr. M. about the stuff that is exciting going on with the house. He looked – although quickly – through all the house pictures that we’d saved for personal friends on Dropbox. That system works very well especially so house pictures aren’t up on the Internet for general people to see.
We talked about the different spaces, and usages of rooms, and allocations of privacy, and concerns over the contract being signed or alternative plans. We’ll go into this in a bit … maybe particularly while looking at the pictures again. We didn’t go through the pictures one at a time with Dr. Marvin, but he knows what’s happening and how we’re all taking it in. The next part … well there was one other part with school, but to be very brief on that … we got a letter saying that we’re officially out of the program unless we protest it … but, we had about a week and a half ago a counselor from the school saying that we could start in March. It seems that one thing doesn’t know about the other and we’ll try to figure that out. I just can’t do it today … we’ve got to get some of this information out of our head or it will just bog us down. There’s so much happening. I haven’t decided whether or not to fight for the school program – it does however mean among all this other stuff figuring things out … I think the biggest problem is that psychologically, we aren’t coping with many regular projects. We’re not able to keep up with the house, though there’s not so much to keep up with that we’re ever too far away. Things like trying to keep schedules, focus on issues that aren’t directly relevant to whomever has the current floor, handling stress under deadlines or needs to communicate and produce … that’s really still messed up. Like we want to go back even to our working with the multiple news site and classes, but its really overwhelming to us now.
Maybe there is more though to the purely psychological damage that goes on in our mind … basically, until your basic needs are met then it is technically very difficult to do extraneous things. If I could figure out how to balance my mind it would be different, but at this point, we’re more on the obsessive side of being able to handle only one thing at a time. We felt like we’ve made progress, but in comparison of where we were when Sr. started blowing our mind … we’ve just taken a couple of steps. It’s still impossible for us to complete things. I wish I understood that better, but for now just to make a note … is that under stress or pressure we’re still closing down. I’m thinking we just wrote about one of our melt-downs and it didn’t seem so long ago. I don’t recall what it was about.
AHA! It’s taken a while, but we found some mention of the difficulty with a note that we typed to Linda and put in one of our blog entries. The first words our mind can tolerate are having had a three hour meltdown. Going to take another peek – AHA, must have been in the feeling of ups and downs with the process of trying to buy a house; at the time immediately after, we considered it a roller coaster. The balance of power with my Rich relationship was off and I think he’d said a long series of negatives that we weren’t tolerating. Rich didn’t appear to be listening to anything coming in from us as if we were very outside his system. Our stomach was doing emotional somersaults and inside we’d stopped adapting. I think now at the bottom of that note we were also really having trouble with the part of Rich not wanting the “real Ann” to move in with him and his mother … he had wanted us to present a façade most likely to keep peace and order, but then again – not the real us with all of our various parts and functions.
Ok, that’s enough begging for trouble. How do I get our minds from there to a good spot … not simply to avoid, but to learn from the experience? What beneficial has come from it? I think that we are a little more conscious of Rich and that he’s going through a lot now too. It seems then we could say that parts of him start to close down under the pressures he’s under to provide for he, us and his mother – as well as taking in his brother’s, kids roles and working all the while. We know he gets a lot of credit for his role, but then we need to do something with our role as well … and not only the able parts, but as well the very disabled parts. I’m remembering now an image of that day and hiding under the covers and that we couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. We weren’t able to think. It was just feeling and every time we opened our mind to think what has to happen next, we’d hear another thought in our head or one that came from Rich and that would send the tears streaming down our face again. REALLY REALLY … we were not able to cope other than to cry. It was strange too in that through the crying our thought processes slowed way down to just the most basic thoughts. Everything was too much.
Hmm, thinking now about what we can do about these large feelings of being overwhelmed … it would seem that if we could do something productive along with the writing we might recapture some of our previous strengths. Maybe this is the time to look around to see if anything has to be done in the house that we can do. I think the first thing is always to check the washer, dryer, and dishwasher to see if those can be processed, and then we have to check for clutter … one room at a time. I think the sewing room is good – and most likely Rich’s back table, but we have to face the LR, BR, and kitchen right? Ahh yes, I hear you… but first lets listen to see if we can wash clothes J
Ok, that’s a start. We’re back and it’s 12:25 PM which is a very late start, but the washer and dryer were open PSHWOO! We set the alarm for 1:10 PM to go switch the load, and then before we sat down – near panic point there, but we did put a few dishes that were on the counter into the dishwasher that looked pretty empty. Good good there. Probably wouldn’t hurt us if we turned around now to see how bad the LR looks. C’mon girls we can do this right?
Ok, that’s done it’s about average. The couch has to be reworked, there’s an accordion box up with mail, Rich’s pile has gotten out of hand, and there’s a box with Rich’s cable stuff on my ironing. There’s some paper clutter on my files and desk, and the floor certainly has to be vacuumed. Ok, good … one more peeks? OK, two dishes and garbage should be cleared as well, which brings up the point that I’m sure I have to do kitty litter. Maybe we’ll do some of that in about 10 minutes after our back has resettled. It’s feeling more on target to at least be thinking of these thoughts. We also checked FB and our email. Hmm, should check Twitter too just to see who’s been added. Then we can say it’s a clean ONLINE sweep. Good-good … we had four names to consider AND two of them we’re multiples!! YAY!
I think we lost focus here on where we were with Dr. Marvin last night. I’m wondering now if there is anything in particular we want to note. I know he’s excited for us in being able to get this place and he’s not adding, but we know he’ll be there for us if something goes wrong. Just we don’t want to allow for that this moment. We want to ride some of the good feelings of importing ourselves into the place. I think we talked briefly about boundaries. But, maybe we should slip in here to some of the hard work in accounting for the parts that need to live with Rich’s Mother. I am glad we might be in a position to do this which is the bottom line. Basically, we think that Rich and I can be a better atmosphere from the one she was trying to handle with Rich. I think we’ve talked a lot about that in the past, but at this point, we want to go back to thinking through a day in day out kind of thought series that will allow us to handle some of the bad things.
We probably know as much about manipulation as the next guy, but we’re going to address that of Rich’s mothers. HER bottom line is that she’s an alcoholic and will do anything to keep-up that addiction. We talked to Dr. Marvin about Rich and I basically by doing nothing we are allowing her to stay drunk the rest of her life. This seems like one of the most horrible things one can do, but on the other hand there is the freedom that his mother is given because she can still make choices. So in a sense … it’s a fine line. We have to depend on Rich’s take on it. He feels that as long as it is MORE controlled than not … he can keep his mother safer because she will be at less risk in falling or becoming emotionally destructive. I don’t think he’d use that terminology, but it is applicable. Because if you don’t do what she wants, she will do anything within her to terrorize her “victim” to make him or her feel terrible for not abiding her wishes. She can do it nice, and she can do it mean. Rich is building it up so there is a better trust between them. He’s working on establishing some basic rules. For example because she is blind and deaf – she should not be leaving the unit without someone. Because she drinks – it will be acceptable, but she has to stay in tolerable limits. When she drinking, she sometimes breaks the rules and wants to get drunk. A buzz is one think, drunk is irresponsible. Third she likes to chain smoke.
Rich’s viewpoint is that, she would have to stop altogether, but we interceded that she have one particular place she can easily find (balcony) where she will be able to smoke. She is going to want to push that envelope. For example, on Saturday when we went there, she’d built an argument before Rich got there of her being able to smoke in his vehicle. This has been a lifelong “NO” in Rich’s life – at least as long as I’ve known him and not only Rich’s Mom, but son and Girlfriend were also not allowed to smoke there. But, on Saturday Rich’s mom decided she was going to break the rule. The bottom line was for her … if she couldn’t smoke in the SUV, then she wasn’t going to go. So none of us went out, it’s the basic kind of thing that has to happen.
The second thing she did this week that was manipulative was that on one night that Rich was with me (we’d gone to see the house) AND he had to go work after – on a game, she called him and said it was an emergency that he go out there, because she was out of a personal item she absolutely needed to take care of her bodily needs. Rich didn’t think that was true. But he couldn’t stop complying because he is always going to want the best for her – especially in health and safety. That is understandable. So, then later of course when he checked in on her the truth became known that she wanted another bottle. So of course the logic would be since he was coming out anyway, he should get that too. BUT, after he got there … he discovered she had 32 of these items left. SO, that made the entire “emergency call” just about him going out of his way at 10:30 PM to bring her booze. I believe that Rich knew it, but he didn’t want to believe she’d do it. But, again … we’re talking addictive and because of that manipulative.
That’s the kind of thing that we were talking about with Dr. M. Basically, we know she’s going to put out situations where she demands to have her way although it isn’t healthy or safe, OR is breaking rules already established. She doesn’t seem able while drinking to do what would be better for everyone concerned, not even herself.
Rich and us have started the discussions on it already. Basically, we are making a stance that we are not there to be her maid and servant. We’d like to help her out, but we’ve got things in our own house to be doing as well. I haven’t given up my life to be taking care of someone. I am able to care while being me … Just that nobody wants to be manipulated in doing something when the other can do for them. For example, one issue has come up about her drinking. Our idea is that if she’s going to drink and that she can pour herself a drink, and then it becomes HER job to be doing that. If she is not able to pour for herself, she shouldn’t be drinking. It seems like a natural limitation. BUT, it is very important to me that it works out that way. I do not want to contribute to her alcoholism. I know there will be times that I will be asked to buy alcohol. And that too has to be thought out. I don’t go out often enough so that I can do it on my way out. I do go out regularly to Dr. Marvin’s and so then if she asks me at that time … it will be another question. I’ve not gotten to a firm decision on what to do there yet. I know it would help Rich get the alcohol, but if I rarely – maybe once or twice will go out for myself to get alcohol, then why would I want to do it for someone else.
Basically, something that we’ve always been concerned with is the alcoholism in our family. We’re not going to go deep with this one, but alcoholism ran on both sides of the family, and because of it I was sexually abused as a child. I’m going to do everything in my power not to make that a problem for the next generation. I feel very comfortable 95% of the time having only one drink when I do drink – most often out at a restaurant, and the other 5% of the time – I only have 2 drinks. NEVER MORE!
This decision what to do with Rich’s Mom’s requests/orders will be something we will be going through for a long time. I would like to hold the thought that while it is nice to “treat someone” to helping them out … it is disabling to do everything for the other person as long as she is capable of doing it on her own. I’ve watched a long time her telling the boys or her husband to do this or that for her. I know I’ve talked about it before … but I don’t want to become her human cane. I want to respect her because I know she is trying to take care of herself.
We have to go down for laundry in about 4 minutes, but I do want to add that there is another strong dislike, in that I don’t like to cook. You know that … we know that … so then what is going to happen next. Is she going to expect that I cook or microwave for her when I absolutely hate it from several of our internal parts? Rich’s way states that I should naturally help her, but our way of thinking is that no many times we are not going to do so. I can abide by a rule that we eat more at the kitchen table and if I were setting up my dishes, or if it becomes my job to do it than I would do hers also, but in our present way of thinking … if she can do the task, then maybe it would become something that could be one of her jobs. Perhaps it takes an hour or so … then that should be fine. It will more than likely become one of my jobs to do her laundry, but there is no reason that I have to do all the manual work. I know that both of us are going to be around the house all day … so there will be a certain amount of synchronicity that we’d have to figure out. But, we’ve heard her complain enough about her father doing nothing after he came to her house, but sit at the table … that we are going to want to push she continually has reasons to move.
I’m thinking here that we’ve learned or are learning these lessons the hard way – in that certain things we know we should be doing even if they are harder – and if we skip one time, it doesn’t mean it’s no long our responsibility – Like clothes, making the bed and doing dishes, AND vacuuming. Blah … that is coming up soon.
Ok, didn’t say it makes us happy. There we did the picking-up AND switched the load to the dryer. Next, we have to pick up the desk and file papers, AND do the vacuuming AND bring up the clothes and process them. It’s now 1:28 PM and we’ve got til 2:05 PM before we have to go downstairs. This allows some time to rest our back. AHA! A few more things. We washed the counter-top and cleaned up the desk and files. We still have to bring a wet paper towel in to do a few surfaces AND we have to vacuum, but THEN it should be done enough! We also cracked the door open to get some fresh breezes in here. I don’t know how long before Rich gets home. I’m thinking he’s going to be here for dinner … I think he mentioned having brats.