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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Just a short note Tuesday morning

Tuesday, July 30th, 2013 @ 8:01 am

Good morning.  Well at least mostly.  Rich just found out that I spent money online again.  He yelled, but just a little ... I think we frustrated him too much for him to be overly adamant.  I don't mean to do things like that, but with so many in our system ... eventually someone is going to break the rules.  I think we're all operating on a sense of anger and frustration because things that we might see as critical Rich does not.  Basically, what we did was went out and bought a floor cleaning system called the Shark Sonic Duo cleaning system.  It is a machine that does carpets and hard floors.  The basic problem is that we are having trouble with the cats SOMEtimes using the carpet in the sitting room to urinate.  We don't know why they do it because their litter box is in good shape.  I don't know if they just think its appropriate, or are too lazy to get to the other side of the house, or if they are mad and acting badly to show it ... just not sure.  But, I/we couldn't handle it anymore ... we need to be able to clean the carpet.  And, to have a machine that also does the floors in the living room and kitchen (pergo floors), well that was the balance that tipped the scales.

It's not over though ... the payment is made in 4 installments ... the first installment was $113, and then there are 3 more installments at $53.  I don't know what to do with this difference between Rich's practicality and ours.  For us, it's just absurd that not only we have to put up with the odor, but as well, we are that much more intimidated by inviting guest over which puts us at the same situation as with the apartment.  It was just too much.  I think we have to do this in installments too ... we weren't able to answer Rich's charges this morning.  I wasn't able to tell him this is just one of the payments ... I think I have no spine.  :(

I suppose though I should be moving on ... we only have about a half hour to write this morning, because today is another church day for the quilting/bags.  In actuality today is more of a bag day that is at least what this extra sewing time at the church is supposed to be for.  Yesterday, we met for about a half a day - from 12:30-4:30 pm and today we're meeting from 9 - 3 pm.  I'm pretty excited as normal ... We did continue a little of the sewing work last night, but not a whole lot.  We just finished off the tabs and we sewed four bags.  Yesterday at church, we sort of floated around a bit.

The first thing we did was start to iron bags - that meaning ironing a 1/2 inch seam around all four sides, and then Keith came in so then we needed to switch jobs because he really has first rights to the iron.  I don't know whether he was working on ironing bags after we left that spot or if he switched over to ironing for Don.  Rightfully speaking it was a bag day, but I'm not sure if he knew how to do that part.  I'm thinking now that maybe we should bring our little ironing board in case he's not.  I wouldn't want to sew bags without them being ironed first.  It makes a huge difference.  With the seam ironed in you just feed fast the fabric through, but if you have to do the seam too you have to fiddle with it every couple of inches.  It just isn't worth that kind of trouble.

We asked and Connie said that Carol wouldn't be in - but, her church sewing machine was up so we asked to use it.  I think that was a little unnerving for Connie and she asked if there wasn't one I was more used to, but we told her we were as used to Carol's as anything.  We started off doing the bags, but it was slow and balky because the machine just is terrible. And, after doing a few bags we realized that we were going to run into problems with the tabs.  There just weren't many and I'd forgotten to bring back the bag that had some leftovers we had made.  I figured too that if I were going to use the old machine and cut down my worry at replacing bobbin thread that it be easier to sew the tabs.  It was an awkward machine to thread and there wasn't much bobbin thread in the spool.  The other problem was that the thread kept breaking ... I worked to rethread the machine, but when I went to pull the fabric after sewing the thread would snap ... usually there's some kind of lead - stretching the space in old thread so its ready for the next one, but it was impossible.  Better to work with the 4" tabs and chaining them together.  There weren't any markings on the feet either so guiding the fabric through was clumsy.

I was happily surprised that Doris figured out that if she cut most of the tabs for me, I'd work more productively.  That's the way it ended up at least.  The problem there was that there wasn't a cutting board - forgot mine, so we couldn't rotary cut them ... it meant hand cutting each one by one ... BLAH

So that was pretty much the day ... I really do have a nice bag of tags now - and plenty to share.  Thinking then that I will bring the ironing/cutting board (small) AND my electrical outlet ... thinking that I might try to set up the machine where we usually sort.  I might have to share my outlet with Keith and the iron, but at least I know with my cord it would reach and it will have the three prongs I need in case I want plug in my machine, little light, AND iron.  They are going to think I moved in and I'm not sure if I'm doing right in setting up on that side.  Usually the machines are on the opposite wall, but there is people taking up all those spaces (tables).  It might mean that Mike needs to find another table to cut on *sigh* ... He has done that before.


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Saturday seems to be falling in a settled-line :)

Saturday July 27, 2013 @ 10:03 am

Good morning.  We figured we should get started on the writing pretty soon since the morning is almost over!  We've been up since about 6 am.  I'm kind of embarrassed to say how much time we spend "online" before doing anything more substantial.  We can go hours at a time reading down the facebook home page.  When you think of it though it is like one's own private community carefully pieced together of the people you really care to have touch your life.  I can't remember what the feeling was before you had computer access to people in your life.  I've been online now for twenty years.  Just realized that.  Since we are 54, that means it's been our way of life for 34 years.  REALLY amazing. What a super-wow thing ... umm anniversary!  Maybe we'll give that some more thought.  Next thought is thinking back that far and knowing that if you wante to be connected to computer people you had to pay the bill.  AOL used to charge us per minute to be hooked up to the chat rooms.  Oh MAN OH MAN!  That was expensive!

Life is better now - THOUGH it still costs to have an Internet connection ... we're paying gladly for this. We know we'd choose it over our cable connection.  FORTUNATELY, we don't have to make this choice hehehe.

Ok, enough of that.  Where are we now?  Saturday morning ... we covered that.  Rich has been up ALMOST as long as we have and he spent the majority of that time watching fishing shows.  He's now working on the housings and has some music on the background.  Lite easy stuff.  Kitties have taken turns sitting with me this morning.  Nothing much past that.

Last night we had a real good night in that we spent time with Carol.  In checking our schedule, we'll probably go 5 more weeks in a row seeing each other every Friday night.  I think it really works out well for both of us.  Last night there may have been more talking then sewing though hehehe.  We did get 2 1/2 baby quilts completed, but we should have been able to do 4-5 baby quilts.  Eh, it was all good.

Carol has a very interesting life - work and home with some similarities to our life, but she also has things that are interesting to us in leisure time between the quilting and her RVing with other women around the area and by that we might be talking any five states at a time.  She's really got my admiration for that one.  She is 15 years my senior and not showing any signs of wearing down.  She is by far the better story teller and her new exploits with the RV are just riveting!

There isn't anything really exciting going on in our life to be bragging about.  We are happy to be meeting quilting goals, finding leisure time with Rich, friends and family and definitely with Dr. Marvin.  That's the kind of week it has been this week.  Linda was in and out spending Wed-Fri with relatives in Northern WI.  I haven't heard anything personal from CS.  She's responded on a few of our FB entries.  I am hoping she'll be in good shape for the girls day next week.  There were a few notes back and forth from the girls and it seems as normal people are excited to be getting together.  This last time has seemed a long time and I was grateful for having the twins come down in-between.  This next time we should be scheduling in time for the upcoming year.  We like to get it down on the hotels calendar as soon as we can book it.  I would like to add a few more sessions this next year but in all practicality it is hard to find the extra time - especially around the holidays.  I don't know ... maybe there will be new considerations without Ann having a shop/groups to meet other quilters during the month.

We'll see

I've got to figure out next if anything has happened between now and Monday when it seems we wrote last.  We had written the last time over our frustration for mowing the grass.  And, when we closed the post we were heading out bravely to face the task.  It lasted for about three to four periods of working/sitting.  We hadn't had the cold water to take out with us and we'd been off our medicine.  Bottom line is that we only did the front side yard, a tiny bit of the front, and then half the back side yard.  The neighbor who had mowed for us had taken a leisurely post of sitting in his garage with a tall drink watching us become quickly exhausted, especially in the heat ... it was 90.  We ended up the last time turning of the mower, going in the house and in not too long ... we found ourselves collapsed on the bathroom floor next to the air conditioner vent.

We were mad at Rich for suggesting that we should be doing something this hard - and physically/emotionally damaging to us.  It took a bit of time to cool down inside and out.  Rich got aggravated with us and said he would do it, but he was angry about it.  I couldn't figure out how to handle the situation because we were both angry and neither is actually fit enough to do it.  So we came up with our next best solution.  We told him if he finished the back side yard (no shade), then we would take turns with him in the front yard.  I kept our promise.  I didn't like the way he was handling the mower with one arm as if he needed the other arm to propel him forward.  It just wasn't good form and was taking a better chance of further crippling him so that things would just get worse.

I don't like it feeling like the sprier one.  I know we've talked about this a bit, and it continued to be a big part of our session with Dr. Marvin on Thursday. More of that later.  I thought it was a good solution for the problem.  In a sense it was too much for both of us to handle on our own, but together we could do it.  When we'd gotten to the front yard Don used that as a reason to stop by.  I am thinking he's got hurt feelings for not having us continue to have him do it ... and I'm pretty sure he sees that we are hurting.  But, in anyone's eyes to do something utilizing teamwork is a good deal.  I was also happy that Rich finally addressed the weeds this week.  I'm not sure if he's around the full house yet, but he got some weed killer and then went out with the weed wacker.  I haven't been out there to appraise, but I'm sure it looks a thousand times better.  I have a harder time with the weedwacker because it has to be lifted and carried.  I'm better with the self-propelled mower.  Basically though, the important thing was that he realized that we needed to share some responsibilities.  He had gotten into thinking that because I was the domestic Goddess I could do anything and everything related to the house and that just can't be.  There are obvious differences in us between male and female and some of the tasks are beyond our capability level - especially with the physical disability problems caused by severe arthritis in our neck and lower spine.  I know I keep bringing up this problem ... maybe some just to relieve some guilt.  I used to do everything that required us to be a "sturdy woman," but we are past that.

I also know that I have to keep trying or it will get worse instead of possibly better.  It won't go away, but I could develop stronger leg, back and arm muscles making my life flow more freely.  The blender has worked well this week.  We've started drinking the Herbalife again and there have been countless snowslushies with water.  We got one of the cookbooks and it has some good recipes that would be worth trying.  We got into it a little through Pinterest this week too.  There are quite a few people out there that have collections of recipes through the Ninja Blender/Processor.  You can "pin" their recipes and in that fashion start to form a board of your own Ninja recipes.  I'm sure any recipe would work, but until I learn about all the functions - like speed and functions it's best to stick close to the specific recipe books.  Then it will be easier to spread out - like the recipes in America's Test Kitchen.  I really like having the videos showing me how to do it and what the process and product actually look like.  It's like good moral encouragement.

Yes, I was also reminded by Rich that I was spending too much money.  I had gotten the birthday books for Austin and me, and then we got the two cookbooks, and a little surprise for Linda.  It was small, but between the five items - Rich figured we were on a new crusade to spend and had to slow us down.  I've been stopped again, but sometimes it is really hard.  I know we got the weekend coming up with the girls in a week and I'm going to want money for that too.  I'll need to do the hotel overnight and dinners, AND I still have to do a gift for the twins.  Shoot shoot.  I forgot that part.  Maybe one more spending item to look at.  I had been thinking of the rolling bag, but have heard from them since and they said something about having found their missing supplies.  Maybe it would be a good time to shop JoAnn!  Hehehe brb heading over.

Pswhoo ... that took a while and a lot of frustration.  I tried over and over again to use their online devise for checking out, but because they had pretyped US on one side and United States on the other with no way of changing it ... the program kept saying I needed to make both sides identical ... it had one of those check marks that says shipping the same as billing so I know the rest was identical.  JUST TOTALLY FRUSTRATING. I didn't want to leave the store because I had a 40% discount saving me $10, but finally did and headed over to Amazon.  Amazon NEVER gives me trouble.  So I found one of their resellers were selling a new item at the same cost as the discounted item at JoAnns - so I bought that one and darted out of the store.  When they say 3-5 delivery it usually means like 2 days.  Should have plenty of time before next Saturday morning when I am going to need it.

Pswhoo ... feel real good about the gifts.  I wanted to get something different for both the twins.  The design board is a table cloth like thing that is vinyl on one side and flannel on the other ... it is like 72" x 60" and has grommets on the top.  I haven't used mine at the new place but basically ... you can put a few carefully placed picture names on the top of some door frames like over the closet and the thing hangs on that or you can take it down without using much space.  Basically your repurposing the space and then giving it back YAY!  The other thing we're giving is a box of threads we'd gotten ourselves before ... These were both things we'd purchased for ourselves so feel free in our gift giving.  Each is about 110 yards and there are a lot of bright colors - all ranges.  I thought I would need them, but I find now myself using much more of a few beige, black, white or blue colors and that's pretty much it.  Thread is thread and I could eventually use it, but I don't think there is enough to fill more than 2-3 bobbins.  However, it will be great for the twins, because they can use it for their work with machine embroidery where they really do need a variety of colors.  The other thing I find myself using is the super mega loads of threads ... I started getting these at Ann's retreats, and now CS has given me a few too.  I'm feeling really blessed there.  It really helps with the church sewing.

So anyway feeling really good about the choices this year.  I think that all the ladies at the sewing group know that I tend to repurpose things, but if I do find things that I like and think someone could benefit from ... I'm all for sharing.  I was able to stay in a reasonable $10 per budget (this week) so that really suited my needs AND Rich's needs.  It was SOOO economical, I could even tell him about it before he saw it on my bank account.  hehehehe

Let's just call this being a good Ann :)

Next ... It's already 12:40 pm and we haven't done much but write and shop this morning AND look at FB :)  This be the life of a ... hmm lets be nice here ... This be the life of a dream!  Yup yup ... this is our life EXCEPT when we have to mow the lawn on a day NOT by our choice and planning.

Let's see how far have we gotten?

Monday wrote, Tuesday drove into the city with Rich.  We did something something I forget ... oh HE did something something.  He went to his mothers' place to do their bills and then went to his mothers nursing home.  THEN we drove to UIC.  I stopped at the pharmacy and had another couple of bad experiences.  First they wouldn't give me the medicine because the NEW person didn't recognize me ... we'll call her idiot for short, and then they forgot to fill one of the 7 prescriptions, And THEN, they tried to overcharge me by $50.  BLAH I hate this pharmacy ... and through all this they are ridiculously arrogant.  BLAH!

After that or between sessions, we were at Dr. Marvin's going really off-the-wall.  I'd been without medicine for three days (one of them, but an important one emotionally) and we couldn't very well function with Dr. Marvin.  There was mostly periods of regressing from one to another til we were sitting on the edge of the couch wanting to rip out our hair.  He said we were going through withdrawal of the medicine.  Fine, but how does that help us get from one place to another.  Fortunately Rich had brought us in so we didn't have to worry about driving, but we were REALLY frustrated and feeling incapacated for reasons mentioned above.  So, basically We ended up stopping the session 20 minutes early, and then Dr. Marvin walked us over and stayed with us until everything was taken care of.  It was at a high level of difficulty and the regressed parts were cross, angry and grouchlike.  BLAH!

Rich must have sensed this as a problem because he was prepared with cookies and then took us to lunch in Brookfield where we used to get half-price hamburgers.  That was a problem though too ... First the waitress was slow in getting there, and then she only brought my drink and Rich had to ask a couple times for his drink.  No telling if he got diet or regular coke.  Then she had to come back and ask a second time what kind of soup we wanted, and then when our sandwiches got there she brought me a tuna fish instead of a chicken salad sandwich, and she'd switched out both Rich and my waffle fries with french fries without asking us what else we would like ... she said they were out, but we didn't believe her.  By this time we were starting to laugh out loud with her ability to follow directions and blame others.  She gave us the bill, but then asked if we wanted to order dessert.  We had already told her we wouldn't pay for the sandwich and we had her take it back.  I said your not doing really well, but I'll take just a small rice pudding, W/O whip cream ... you got it so then the rice pudding came with whip cream.  It was worst ability-rated waitress I ever saw.  You almost have to feel sorry for her because she must be doing this to all her customers.  It's really sad in all reallity.

After that we went to the bank with Rich.  He had to take care of his second loan so we just waited out in the car for about 1 1/2 hours. He might have gotten stuck with the same when we went to Dr. Marvins, but he had to drop off goods at one of his shops close to Dr. Marvin's so did that when we were busy.  It was really ok though, because were perfectly entertained with computer in an air conditioned car :)  After the bank, we went to Bass Pro and we again stayed in the car ... lunch was late so it was no problem stopping also at Walmart, and then I went up with Rich to visit his mother.  That turned out pretty good.

There are still problems in that Rich's mother wants to come home yet and although she's being helped to dress, wash, use the bathroom, she still thinks she can do things by herself.  She can't even bend over to reach something on the ground and certainly not past the first cupboard level.  She can't lift pans, but still has the illusion she can cook.  She seems to forget that Bud used to be called in to move the pans around.  She then says something like all I need is soup.  And its like see mother, this is why you can't take care of yourself.  You are unrealistic.  And, then of course is the alcohol talk.  She's done better with that in the nursing home and can verbally say she doesn't need it, but then there is the reality that she does need it.  She's still under the illusion that Rich is sitting at home (not working) and is happy to come over as many times during the day as she needs something ... like for example turn on the air for me.  Rich is trying to convince her she'd need 24 hour care if she was home, but doesn't have that kind of money.  Before the help he'd arranged for her was only 4 hours a day which was too much cost for her to be ok with it.

I do have empathy for her, because the time she thinks of being in the house is just tucked into her tiny kitchen the size of a wheel chair.  She has there the stove, the sink, her drink, her smokes and her small tv.  That's what she's dreaming of going back too, but how the rest of her life works, she just doesn't see it although EVERY other step needs assistance.  I think sympathetically what could be done is that she be allowed to go home for two hours a day WITHOUT alcohol and she could sit in her spot.  But, afterward, she would have to be taken back to the nursing home.  Maybe not everyday, but at least 3-4 days a week.

Now we're back again ... it is about 2 pm and we've just gotten done talking to Rich again.  He's done pretty good and been more conscientious of the negative ... he allowed me some time to plan with him on an optimistic note.  We talked about his mother and his business and his need to get ready for fishing in two weeks, and even his computer which is having problems recharging because the battery is loose.  We walked through the dropbox so he could see what's still on the cloud ... he hadn't kept it up, but he could do his work ... likely at three times the speed until he built up, but we are a three computer family and we will be able to take care if necessary.  Basically, though we won't be able to get to his computer until the computer people are back on Tuesday.  Anyway the gist of it was that we spent enough time to get down to a bottom line that he is just plain tired.  I think it comes from being overwhelmed, and although he was up late today he did go to bed late last night.  So we did the most obvious thing in reminding him he used to say "give me 30 minutes."  This means he lays down closes his eyes and sleeps until we wake him up.  That is what has just happened.  He will then spend 10 minutes on the roses, and then be at his mother's at 3 pm.  I think then he wants to come home to make dinner.  He will then adjust his time to give me some time and/or do some more piece parts.  That's a good schedule.  We had already covered if there was anything else he wanted to do to get himself ahead today.

I like this new turn of events.  We had problem getting him through the conversation on lists.  His thinking is just too muddied ... he seems to have some lists, but they are multiple and some things are on the computer.  He isn't using the priority system so he loses the actual work that has to get done (Outlook) for the 90 calls he would like to be making.  I'll show him how to improve that system when he gets his computer back.  We explained carefully it is not that we don't want to talk to him about all his troubles, but we need to see resolution too ... like how do we carry forward any of his problems to the next step.  And, then put everything else out of your mind to get to the bottom line.  He's definitely sleeping now and that always makes me feel better.  I think boys no matter what age look like angels when they are sleeping and it does me good to hear his gentle breathing.  Good Rich!

Hmm, time to go back though ... think we got through the majority of Tuesday.  I don't know if I can do anything with Wednesday.  I think we finished cutting the fabric from my grandmother, and then we started putting it in baby quilt order.  We still are most enamored with the simple diagonal blocks.  The quilts are 6" x 6" blocks put 7 x 7 (rows/columns).  We continued the work over the next several days and now we have completed putting all the baby quilt "kits" together - there was in total 22 quilts.  Yay!!!  I think when I bring them in, we're going to bring in my grandmothers stack of white sheets she'd given to us too ... that had come over with the first trip to my mothers.  We hadn't done anything with them, but I think it is time.  I'm going to ask the church if they find them useful to dedicate them to the 22 baby quilts project.  I'm thinking they will be fine for backs, but we'll have to see ... It seems that the nice cool older sheets will be a good match/weight for the flannel.  I don't think there are three layers on baby quilts, but I'm not sure.  Maybe ...

Hopefully, Connie will be back this week and we can talk to her about the project.  I don't know if its fair to pull resources together in order other than whatever they see fit, but we'd be really excited that my grandmother's quilts go through as holistically as possible.  We just run like that. Hehehe

Last night btw while we were at Carols ... hmm, think we already told you.  We got started on 2 1/2 of the 22 quilts.  :)  Feeling that could use some time today so when Rich goes to his mothers at 3 pm, we're going to finish up the writing, get our sewing room back together, and start on that project.  I think Rich was basically looking also for about 2 or 3 hours tonight to work on his piece parts.  That works for me and we get the time he's making dinner too.  I think we are going to put the ingredients for a tomato sauce on his shopping list so the first thing we'll make will be some kind of spaghetti.  I'll try to do that too.  We need to advance the cause of cooking.  Hehehe - well maybe we'll also put something on with frozen food.  Will want to test out making ice cream.  I could probably make a couple of lemonade margaritas tonight too ... Rich got the mix and its been sitting a couple of days without attention.  Operation Party later tonight *silly grin*

Hmm, anything else for Wednesday?  I think it was Thursday that we watched the couple of movies.  That was interesting.  We watched a few moments of some silly movie because we wanted to be on the right channel at the right time.  They were doing the movie "The Prime of Ms Jean Brodie."  This had been a favored book as a child and we were interested in seeing the movie version, and then they did "Dead Poet's Society." So we stayed and watched that.  Rich was at a fishy meeting so it turned out to be good time.  We might be blaming the full moon with our tiredness, but we found ourselves not being able to do much else but watch tv.  It was another later night.  Rich came home at the end of the second movie and we watched it together before crawling into bed.  They also had "The Trouble with Angels," which was another loved movie, but we didn't think quickly enough to DVR it.  I probably have it memorized.  Must have been something about School teacher Divas.  *sigh*

The other thing that happened with Thursday was going into Dr. Marvin's.  We drove ourselves this time ... basically, seemed to be getting back to reality with our medicine levels.  We talked about the part of younger parts being out to start and there seems to have been some in and out thinking of whatever concerns at a lower level, but we got older parts eventually and seemed to have spent the next half hour talking about issues with Rich, and especially our own feelings of being overwhelmed with "taking care of him."  I think the most angering is that he keeps "forgetting" or scheduling during impossible time frames to be taking care of his medical.  We're trying to explain to Rich that unless he does something for his knee/hip then everything else is going to be magnified in causing him problems.  He just keeps avoiding.  I can't say this is a brand new concept in this house says the person who still doesn't have her driver's licence.  BUT, the point is that Rich's physical problems are affecting every other aspect of his life.  AND it has to be dealt with ...

He seems to think that he's tried all the options, but what he is doing is running the options through his mind and without having concrete solutions he's concluding things as not working.  And, because of the families infamous stubborness, he convinces him things are impossible where in fact he's not really tested out reality.  Like he says he's done all he can about his mother, but when pushed will admit that no he hasn't paid to talk to a lawyer, so he doesn't know the real options.  He's also feeling right now as if he has no control over what his mother does, it's like black or white, instead of working through the gray.  Like why does it have to be 100% care or 100% on her own ... what's the problem of trying 6-7 hours a week.  Of course then he thinks of all the little problems, but because he's not concluding any problems (they're all running around in his head) eVERYTHING becomes impossible.

Good good Rich is up... 9 times out of 10 he wakes himself up without a clock at the exact time he was going to get up.  It's a lot of years of napping before a ball game when everything is on schedule.  He looks better.  He now only has to do ten minutes of yardwork :)  That shouldn't hard press things.

He said that he's going to have to go in to Algonquin tomorrow so that his ex can sign papers.  That's a non-fun thing, but by that time my writing for a spell will be done and we can spend time sewing.  I think sometime in the afternoon when he gets back, he wants to take his mother and me out to a restaurant we'd just been to and liked.  We'll see how that goes.  There's been talk that there is not supposed to be alcohol.  But, we'll see.

As to Dr. Marvin though ... that half hour talking about Rich and my relationship only for parts talked directly about Rich and how his mood was affecting us and all his negativity.  We talked about him being overwhelmed particularly physically and in caregiving for his mother.  We felt more optimistic in what we could or could not do.  WE were adamant of not wanting to start the piece parts with him.  We can see his time stretched out, but the way we figure it ... if we make $17,000 and he makes $20,000 after he pays his wife $36,000 then it would be like I was working for her and that's something I'm not willing to do.  We've talked on and on about her income.  She has a monthly income of $4,600 where Rich and I together are at about $3,000.  The alimony was set back when he had a salary of $150,000.  From what I see she's bleeding him dry.  I'm comfortable with paying for the house and utilities and my own medical and such, but I can't make myself do Rich's job to pay his ex.  I know we should work as a team, but I can't do the things he is choosing.  Still holding to the part where we worked very hard to stabilize after crashing with St. Rose.  There is only so much threat we can handle before we're overwhelmed.  We do pretty good at staying on top of things with Dr. Marvin, but Rich is really draining our resourceability without really understanding what he is doing because of the impractical way he's handling money, medical, work and his mother.  The part of our own household is the best run parts of our life.  I don't have a problem with most things are under my care there, I mean I don't mind washing dirty socks, underwear, vacuuming, taking garbage out etc.  Just don't want to pay her bills.  One of the things we keep impressing on others is boundaries, so as long as I maintain the difference between me and Rich then I should be able to handle feelings that are otherwise overwhelming.  I do mean to help him, but as it goes during an airplane emergency, the adult is told to put the mask over his/her face first so he/she can help the other.  If I fall apart, then I'm useless to Rich.

I'm thinking that still the best way I can help is to help him process thoughts.  Well of course that and the massaging etc. certainly help!  But, we're likely to say that's a co-sharing thing :)

The last ten to fifteen minutes with Dr. Marvin was taken over by another part or two.  It seems that we were done with the Rich and Ann part and we were dealing with something different, but I couldn't say what that is now.  Maybe something more pleasant?  I think we felt sturdier.

Hmm, it's 2:50 pm now ... Rich just leaned in to say that he was going, so we asked him going to do the rose dusting or his mothers.  He said to his mothers.  We said what about the ten minute chore ... he said that it took him too long to get dressed.  This is definitely going to need reworking as to his processing time.  You can't say its right or wrong in him needing that time to get ready, but realistically it should be accounted for so that we can both appreciate what really can and cannot be done. I'd like to think the bottom line is that we're helping each other not by doing the others' work, but in not being mean and short-tempered with the other.  Think that happens under pressure so that if we release some of the pressure we'll be stronger as a pair.

So, in saying that have we almost finished up the week?  Maybe not so much in the line of glorious, but certainly a solid week in getting things accomplished as they fell into play.  I felt good that we got done with our regular things, and still had time for Dr. appointments, friends, some family through FB, and SEWING!  That's our rubric.

Trying to figure out now if there's something that can be said as to a summary before moving onto the project of putting the sewing room together and getting the blankets started up again.  I am looking forward to doing those things ... we will say that we've got the church group on Monday and Tuesday, but the part that we wanted to get done by then with the 42 bags is complete.  I won't bring in any of the baby quilts.  I will check to see if all the big quilts went out, but I'm pretty sure that happened.  I would like to send my mother the pictures of the quilts made from my grandmother's fabric, but I will probably wait until they are completed (tops).  My next goal is to have them all completed by the end of our Saturday sewing coming up in one week.

CS said something about maybe coming back, but she's not followed through on those thoughts, or giving any indication if her health has changed much within two weeks to make things possible.  Every time we plan something with her her medical gets in the way and plans fall to the wayside.  I'm trying not to build too much excitement then toward that.  It's kind of depressing.  Maybe that is the way most of her days go - up and down according to how she feels and when the next nap is coming.  There's still a lot to be worried about as to her drug issues.  She seems to be in pain quite a bit and rectifies that with the drugs.  It really closes in on her ability to be in a social life.  Maybe in time this will get better, but CS still is under the idea that she doesn't need any psychological help with her problems.  I know that it works for me and doesn't then necessarily have to be her solution, but honestly, without some kind of support it will most like never occur and she'll be trapped by things like personal feelings of worth, money management, family boundaries, and perhaps her own sense of loneliness.  We feel like we're more out here in a healthy space ... you can come out and join me, but I'm not going into your world for more than a few hours at a time.  I think she has so much to give particularly with her quilting interests, but the rest seems to take her low to the ground.  I guess we can hope, but like Rich ... I can't or won't take care of another's problems ... I can point to solutions, but if they don't see fit to carry through with those ideas or that of others, or even self - if tested out honestly ... well nothing more can really be done.

I don't mean to end on a negative note.  Maybe realistic, but I think we're going to have to come up with a fun thought to help bring ourselves forward.  It is great that it is going to be a full sewing week!  I will want to get the house picked up by tomorrow - maybe when Rich leaves for his ex so that we can be clear for the next week.  I think I should also plan to do the grass tomorrow.  Hoping the weather holds nice and that it won't be too much problem.  I want things set so I don't have to worrry about household until Wednesday.  Thursday will be in with Dr. Marvin, Friday we'll be at Carol's, and Saturday we'll be with our own quilting group.  WoOOHOOOO!  Definitely looking forward.

So then now is Next!  Use the washroom, get your machine, tune into tv or music, and start sewing again ... time then flies!


Monday, July 22, 2013

Mow the WHAT!??

Monday, July 22, 2013 @ 9:48 am

Good morning ... it's me and we're finally writing.  We were in some kind of middle world space in that we thought to catch up on FB after we'd talked to Linda for almost a half hour.  She's got a busy day of cleaning to do and at the time we weren't sure of what We're going to be doing with the day.  We woke up about 6:30 am, made coffee, chatted, and viewed FB AND that is all that's happened so far.  Rich is outside for one reason or another and he finally got the neighbor paid for mowing the lawn last week, but then he said that I should mow it this week.  I wasn't real happy about that and it took some hard moments of being pushed to accept or reject, but now it seems its my task again.  I'm a little crabby about it because its supposed to be up to 90 today which is what he's saying "wasn't bad weather."  We've been indoors now in the air for the last 3-4 days and we had no intention of wanting to go out there.  I don't know we'll have to come back to this because for now it is putting us in a bit of a bad mood.

Last night though we were fine.  Rich called ahead to let us know when he'd be home.  He also stated that as soon as he got unloaded he was going to need going over to his mother's because she was causing problems.  He didn't get home until about 8:30-9 pm.  I made him dinner out of leftover roast and potatoes while he took his shower and then we talked and then he got massaged and whatever :)  Good night!

The long weekend in general turned out pretty good.  Some of the days we cleaned others not, but it didn't get out of control.  The biggest thing was that we finished the 42 school backpack bags that we'd taken for church work.  That was a bit of a chore to get done, but the work in itself wasn't difficult and we eventually turned on TV - movie and then a series to pass the time along.

We watched many back to back episodes of sister wives.  I knew of the show because of Anderson Cooper, but I hadn't watched it before.  I did enjoy the show.  I think I'd have to think very hard if I were going to be a sister wife, but chances are that I wouldn't be so generous around the bedroom scene.  I like curling up with my guy every night.  But as to psychology - group or social it was a very interesting show and it is well parsed together to give people an idea of some of the thoughts going on between people and relationships.

I also restarted the work cutting up 6" x 6" blocks for the next set of baby quilts.  It is the fabric given to me by my grandmother.  I think we'll work through that stash, before going back to see what my sister has given me.  I kind of want to keep the two separate due to different ages on the fabric.  My grandmothers could be 30-40 years for all I know ... It's good stuff, but as to print the styles are a bit different although we have flannel from both.

I wrote pretty much all day on Friday so I'm thinking there is not a lot of news-type things to go through ... as to literal news we've been going through Trayvon and George Zimmerman's fall-out AND now today they say Kate Middleton is in labor with the royal baby.  WooHOO!!!  Prince Harry and Prince William were born the same years as Thom and Joe, but my kids are a bit older then the Princes.  Pretty close though.

Rich is back in the house ... he says that Don says that the landlords are going to fine people for dirt in the gutters - I don't get it ... He's talking I think about sewers in the street?  Not sure ... I don't take that to be our responsibility because everyone in the park - water runs down to in front of our house.  If the mail box cleaning is on the landlords - surely the road must be too.  We rent the land - not own it!  We'll see.

I did tell Rich I wasn't happy about cutting the grass.  I told him he tricked me by saying it wasn't hot, but that I checked and it was going to be 90 so he said I could do it in the evening.  Just not all happy about this at all.

Other stuff to do was our more normal stuff of household, reading, writing, and sewing.  Any of that is preferable to doing the lawn.  I guess I wasn't clear that Don wasn't going to do it regularly.  Last night we'd talked to Rich about having him use our mower, because his did a very uneven job, but that would seem to mean to me that I was in favor of the job being done by Don again.

There's this other cringeworthy part in that Rich isn't taking ANY responsibility for the house.  It's taken him 3 weeks to think of doing the weeds.  They are very tall.  The deal was that I would mow the lawn but he had to do the weeds.  He'd only pull a handful at a time and wasn't keeping up with the need, so like why should I put effort into doing other hard stuff he wasn't going to do.  We're really pouty about doing "male-type" work because he's not feeling up to it.  It did turn out he has arthritis in his knee and he's also got a torn meniscus, but I have severe arthritis in my neck and lower spine.  How come I can do it but he can't.  I still have to take 7-8 breaks.  Part of that then slides into something much bigger.  Basically, I have been in a role where I am the one that is mostly taken care of.  But, now the roles are changing and I don't like it ... not only is Rich having problem taking care of things, but now he wants me to take care of him too.  Like he says - will you do this, and will you do that?  I'm not so in favor of this kind of change.  The reason I was being taken care of because things have been mentally or physically overwhelming for most my last 14-15 years.  Maybe I'm just not a gracious caregiver *sigh*

We just talked again ... tomorrow we're both going in together.  He has appointments in the city tomorrow and out here.  We have a Dr. Marvin appointment and he has to do a second loan for his wives place at our bank.  No don't want to go there in the least.

Jillian called yesterday because she was texted by Chris' wife, for Chris that Chris couldn't get ahold of his Dad.  It was a really big roundabout.  I'm not sure why Rich didn't get the message from his son or daughter directly, though he might have been out of phone contact.  They should have both known he was on a fishing trip.  I'm glad that Jillian could call here, but then Rich was late in getting home because of the trip and his mother, so Jillian had to call again before Rich could call her.  It just makes me look bad like I wasn't responsible in giving him the message.  Didn't like that at all. Today Rich is meeting with Chris about the second loan.  He's into banking so might be able to help his father in filling out the forms that are necessary.

Ok that's not helping with my mood either.  I guess now the problem is that we're feeling pulled in too many directions between what we now have to do and what we want to do.  I have the sheet load I left in the dryer yesterday - to get back on the bed.  I have to do the morning picking-up - it's pretty good though and I have to finish up with the fabric because Rich is going to want the table back for his piece parts.  I've got my cutting board on it now because it was much cooler than being out in the sunroom.

Oh oh ... I was just told I could slow down my buying this month and that would help.  Hmm, Birthday?  No response asked for or given....  Hmpf!

No no ... don't go in a zone out ... remember write?  communicate?  Don't act out your feelings!  Feeling in a crunch ... I'm mowing the lawn to save him money, but I couldn't get a few things?  I did buy 2 books for my birthday, then two cookbooks, and then a small $11 gift for someone.  I'm not WAY over line.  I'm supposed to get to spend $200 a month.  Unless he's counting my medicine and gas I'm paying ... Ok, you are getting frumpy again.  It's a pretty nasty criticism.  Ok beauty!  Lets not turn into the beast.  I know he's hurting and I feel bad for him, but he's got to call someone for help and there's only so much we can and will do to taking care of things.  Man that sounds really grouchy sad.  Where's my nice parts?  Hmm, feeling put upon.  Someone inside is screaming ... I'M NOT THE RESPONSIBLE ONE!

Hmm, maybe that's key here.

It's been a nice soft weekend too ... I was getting things done, but in my own way and pace.  Now it's at someone else's will and we're not so happy.  Damn I hate it when we get this way.  I'm pretty sure the flylady would call it being whiny.  *DRAT!*

Isn't there something else we better think about?

Feel sort of like crying.  This is probably a carryover of the whining behavior.  How do I get control back?  Maybe its a matter of taking over some choices instead of feeling like everything has been dumped on you.  I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed.  Maybe I have to put it in some kind of perspective I could handle.

It's just after 10:30 am.  If I got dressed and did the lawn, then I could have it done by about noon.  I wonder if I could pull it together to do some heavy duty weeding.  We would need some leftover stamina AND the shovel AND the gloves AND some place to put the garbage.  I am embarrassed not to have the weeds pulled out and I guess we have to resort to you can't change someone else you can only change yourself.

Hmm, used the washroom that should take off some pressure.  No giggling there!

Ok, then back to the schedule ... Let's say the lawn takes me to 1 pm.  Then I could come in and take my medicine and take my requisite beer :) That would make me happy.  And THEN if we were tolerating working out in the temperature we could go do Rich's weeds.  He did put powder on the rose bushes.  Didn't make me happy to hear him say the bugs are killing them.  Maybe the powder should have been put on before the bugs got to the flowers?  Hopefully, he was just exaggerating.  It would also require that I look at the flowers on the side of the house.  I know I put them there, or at least WE did ... just seem that everything taking responsibility in an even consistency is very hard for us still.  Wish I knew why that was.  This many years seeing a therapist, and you would of thought we'd take care of that by now.  Shoot.

Ok, then bottom line is we could be outside until about 2-3 pm.  I think Rich is meeting his son at about 4 pm, so will probably have to leave between 2:30-3:00 pm.  I'm guessing though he'll want to stop at his mothers before that.  I guess the angry part says that why do I have to take care of the hard work so you can spend your day visiting family.  OK YOU STOP!  This is just more of the same whiny behavior.  I gotta get a grip on it.

Bottom line was that I bought a house with Rich and if he can't take care of it then it becomes my responsibility.  AND, what happened if something really happened to Rich then it would be STILL all our responsibility.  I'd have to deal with that.  I know I know ... we got planners inside saying that if Rich dies, then we're going to die too.  But, I know that's not our best thinking.  This is sure becoming a grouchy morning.

Is there anything here that HAS to be done before we mow the grass and pull weeds?  Sure didn't wake up thinking this morning that I had to do that.  Maybe the grouchiness is just a sense of surprise ... You are not getting the kind of day you were looking forward to.  I think the house is picked up enough not to worry about the inside until I get back.  Clothes were all caught up this weekend ... hmm ... shoot ... I forgot Rich has a bunch of fishy clothes he left in his suitcase ... we'll have to do that ... might wait though until we come back inside.

Hmm, he's on the phone with the nursing home - apparently that was one of the two calls that we told him about - just knew the phone had rang.  He's waiting, we're waiting.  She probably is sending a message that she wants something picked-up.  I'm not sure ... sort of scared to breath ... never know what they are going to say.  He's talking to someone now.  Oh ... she wanted to know what time he was coming ... he said about 2 pm and then leave at 3 pm for his sons.  We thought it be something like that.  Kinda pushy for her to be calling, but then that be her nature.

Ok, grump ... do we have to go there too?  Lets start looking at things like being rewarded.  If we go outside for the next four hours, then we get the rest of the day inside and ... ok, laundry have to do that ... and kitty litter/garbage ... hmm, might want to do that when we make the bed - hmm, maybe save the shower for after the work outside ... we're going to be real sweaty AND we took a shower last night so things ok, right?  So then what ... Rich is going to be out for dinner.  I wonder if he's thinking about that.  I guess there's enough roast beef left from the weekend I could eat that.  Ok, problem cared for. So first we're going to come in shower, make the bed, do the litter/garbage, have a beer AND then we're going to finally get to some free time?  Hmm ok, point taken ... right now writing is some freetime too, right?  Ok, but then we can work on the cutting again ... I think that's where we really wanted to get to this morning.  ESPECIALLY, because we're supposed to leave here tomorrow at 10:45 am.  It will be a get nothing done day, BUT Dr. Marvin.

Ok, truth be told?  We do like to have car time with our sweetie, AND we can take our computer with us right?  How hard can that be?  The vehicle IS air conditioned too, hmm?

Ok, 11 am ... better get things going ... talk later ... going to be Good Ann!


Friday, July 19, 2013

Had a good day to day - We'd call it a solid!

Friday, July 19th, 2013 @ 11:17 am

5.0 out of 5 stars This book (After Sybil...From the Letters of Shirley Mason) is a great gift to the multiple community and more..., July 19, 2013
By Aynetal3 - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: After Sybil...From the Letters of Shirley Mason (Kindle Edition)

We liked After Sybil by Nancy Preston because it seemed very real to us. We are also a multiple though I wouldn't say we were integrated like Shirley Mason (Sybil). We do communicate fairly well between us and that has been our goal. I thought that Ms Preston did a good job at keeping the new information through Shirley's letters very accurate by posting portions of the letters themselves. I also enjoyed her personal insights as to how she felt Shirley was doing between the lines. The thoughts were very realistic in a manner of getting by day to day and month to month. I could perceive the friendship as one of checking in with one another and supporting through care and concern. I was also reminded about how in the past letters communicated for us real life rather than today's quicker facebook, email or communicating through a blog. It left a good feeling to think of people catching up, or in giving one another calls or visits. It really did mean sitting down and summarizing experiences and questions to be in touch with one another through love, attention, and devotion. In Nancy and Shirley's communications the relationship is stretched comfortably for about 28 years. There is no pretense.

There is another dimension in the relationship because eventually Shirley shared with Nancy her more well-known side - that of being Sybil. I think all of us are multiples at some point come to the question is it ok to share this other "sets of identity?" In Shirley's case she was presenting at that point as someone who was integrated, but she gave so much in allowing the knowledge of her past be known that it must have come as a shock to Nancy to know the reality of her life, but she continued to give Shirley a well-deserved sense of normalcy. She found what we all look for through Nancy - Acceptance and validation. The afterward of her life took on other aspects that were interesting in itself in Shirley's support of herself and to support Dr. Wilbur. Through all her hardship she continued to give like nobodies business! And she did so unflinchingly even after her cancer had spread. In itself it took a lot of stamina to be Shirley/Sybil and she did it in a manner very respectful of her notoriety. She simply told her story (with Dr. Wilbur and Flora) and then stepped back ... The media and public aggrandized it, but not she. Sybil was in touch with being a natural giver through her art, communications and care giving to Dr. Wilbur, Nancy and others such as her family and students and patrons.

I feel proud to know her though this story ... and I feel proud to know Nancy and her protectiveness and good sense caring over Shirley. I think Nancy did Shirley and humanity a great service in communicating the letters at a time they could be most helpful - in after analysis. Such a gift to the multiple community and extending outward will ever be appreciated. Thanks Nancy!

Our best,

WooHOO!!! I got the review done and posted at Amazon.  I felt it was an important book to do and I fully support what Nancy Preston has done in writing about her relationship with Shirley through notes, phone calls and personal visits.  I think the review stands on its own!

Now ... what's happening in regular life hehehe.  It is already Friday so about 5 days since we last wrote and it seems like a nice handful of stuff has happened in the meantime - ESPECIALLY ... BECAUSE IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY!!!

Ok, I know I know ... it's already over ... BUT we want to talk about it some because it's part of what makes turning older so much more than just another number on the cake.

First part?  Ok, we're a multiple so the first thing we get to talk about is GIFTS!  WooHOO!  We did really well this year!

My mother had gien Rich back the money for having paid for our own hotel room while we were staying over three nights in MN, so with that he was able to do a little more this year.

The first thing we got was a brand new television for the bedroom.  I don't know, but thinking we might have told you it was going to happen during the last post, but by now it's happened AND is all plugged in and ever ready for viewing.  The first night was the most exciting.  We had to check out the theories we'd put up in getting a tv in the bedroom.  Basically, there's this part then where Rich is watching his last show or two of the evening (still trying to unwind) and then our part is to spoon him and give him the greatest body messages!  Oh yeah ... that's how we roll!  It worked PERFECTLY!

We stayed up for about an hour and a half massaging him and we're not going into all the details, but lets just claim that an excellent evening!

Now Rich is on vacation - he left Wednesday morning by us driving him to meet Bob in Dekalb and he is due back on Sunday - so nice 5 day vacation for the both of us.  We really did celebrate before he left, but he had to take some grief for not remembering it was my birthday when he called yesterday ... We're thinking too much of a good thing for him!  Might not be so generous next time I give away our birthday for fishing.  BUT, as mentioned we really did make it a time before him leaving.  One of the things was that he told me we were getting three gifts.  He said we were getting the tv, a blender, AND some new bath towels.  Well part of that was good and part not good.  We liked the TV idea and it had been on the top of our lists, AND we liked the blender because that was on our list too, but we also wanted a food processor - AND not so much towels.  We had just gotten new ones as a home welcoming gift from our sewing sisters and we thought we didn't have enough fun to play with.  That's ESSENTIAL on a good birthday!

So we voiced our opinions and Rich didn't complain when we started online shopping for a blender/processor combination.  It took us about 4 hours to go through.  What we eventually ordered and it came in yesterday on our birthday was the big Ninja package with 72 oz blender, 56 oz bowl for processor AND two individual cups and accessories to make all that work.  WooHOO!  Just in heaven there.  We tried it out last night and it worked REALLY well!  We made ourselves a Margarita WITH diet lemonade and it turns out great just using 3-4 quick pulses.  It's REALLY fast!  Today we're going to try making a slurpee from regular diet pop to see how that goes.  Hmm, actually it's just past 11:30 am so we could do that now!  BRB.

AHA!  Back I think what we find is that if you add just a TINY bit of alcohol then the ice is better grounded.  Maybe maybe not.  But just saying SOOO far!  It has a slushier consistency.  We might have to take a trip to the liquor store just not sure where that's at ... do they still have liquor at Walgreens?  Maybe I have to go down the main drag.  Rich has something like whisky with a cinnamon/apple flavor that makes diet coke really good.  Pretty sure Rich doesn't want to come home to a lush though ... we will think that one out some more.  Nice drink though!  MOSTLY pop!  We did get past the question if you can blend something with fizzy pop.  I guess after the initial fizz it doesn't repopulate - we're all good with that.

ANYWAY ... that's that for now.

I know we talked about the other gift which was a matching set of books between us and Austin.  We have a picture Laura sent us after Austin got the book on Wednesday.  He looked pretty happy.  We've skimmed through a few charts and such on our book that came in yesterday ON OUR birthday!  It's a really well-thought out book and meant for people really smart - AND just normal smart.  That's really nice ... it's the first of its kind I've seen where they explain the charts and things like bell curve and standard deviation.  That will be perfect for Austin.  It's for people who know AND don't know statistics.  He's a smart kid and will figure it out :)

Another gift we got yesterday was from Maury and his family ... I got a Tom Tom GPS for the car.  I have one on the phone, but its been a long standing complaint with Maury that I can't answer the phone while driving.  I can actually, but then I don't know where to drive or turn.  It was a VERY well-thought out gift and we tried it right away.  I liked some of the stuff it did the first time ... like showing me by close-up of blinking arrows which lanes I had to be in and which signs to follow - another close-up.  It is also a nice size so it doesn't take up too much window space.  Maury placed it for us on our dash.  Good kid!  It took us straight home though by a different path than we were used to.  It worked!

Joe called last week so he got by - though none of the kids wished me happy birthday on Facebook.  We were looking for that ... none of the DILs did either, but BOTH Mike and Laura our lifelike kids said happy birthday with FB.  FB became anyway another kind of birthday gift which we look forward to every year.  Over a hundred people said happy birthday and we went over one by one reading and feeling so happy with all the acknowledgements.  It was REALLY a great birthday!

It was true that Rich wasn't here, but he'd given so many gifts that it was like he was all around us.  I am sorry he didn't catch as many fish as he wanted, but today starts the real tournament and I knew they were getting out at 4 am.  We're hoping he has a great day today.

One of the other things was that not only Maury and Nikki and the girls had us over for BBQ and ice cream cake yesterday, but Rich also took us out on Tuesday night.  We had vegetable burritos AND cinnamon crisp.  We packed away a few of the cinnamon treats to drop off at Rich's moms the day after.  That was good thinking.  We also had a pitcher of Margaritas ... umm that might have led to a sleepy night ... At ONE point I'm sure we did drinking better with less exhaustion, but it still was a good night to the end!

We have one more birthday surprise.  When we meet with our sewing sisters in about 2 weeks, we will share a birthday party with gifts and cake.  The sharing part includes that Jean, Janet and Me all celebrate our birthdays together.  Then in February CS, Linda and Emily celebrate together.  It works out great!  It's always a special treat!  I'm thinkin it would be great to give the twins a GPS, but it is too expensive AND I think they have the service on their phones.  BUT something will come up that we can give them.  Just have to be putting it at the forefront so we can have something on time.  I wish I could do like Linda because she makes cool things, but we're not really that able.  You can be PRETTY sure it will be something Quilting :) Maybe I could find something to do with organization.  It seems like their worse problem is having enough space.  Hmm, that's worth a thought!

Hmm, just looked at a storage system on wheels ... I'd like to get that ... it's a little expensive, but half price with free shipping at Joanns.  Just we don't know where our credit card is ... we forgot that part so makes the point mute.  We didn't have it yesterday when we went to the pharmacy so just got the medicine we could pay in cash, but we also don't know where our old drivers licence was and she wouldn't let us have the medicine without it.  I think within a couple of days we're going to be climbing a wall without the Risperidone.  We have extra of the others to last until we talk to Dr. Marvin or at least given the time to get back in there after having found the license.  The woman had no empathy at all - cold as a brick.  BLAH!  She made our idiot list of the day yesterday. It wasn't her fault we lost the id's again, but they know us - just she's new so she's an idiot for not getting us someone who could vouch for us.

ANYWAY ... I guess that could segue into this week's appointments with Dr Marvin.  We went in our regular time on Tuesday and Thursday.

There we just wrote a note to Dr. Marvin ... figure if we're going to go crazy without the medicine ... he should be in the know.  Don't think there is anything he can do except to talk to us about keeping the cards safe - from ourselves ... multiple parts multiple places to put things.  GRRRRRR...

best to move on....

There we made popcorn and cleaned up the kitchen and made ourselves another icee.  All good deeds.

So as to Dr. Marvin.  I think primarily he heard the excitement around the birthday, but there were other parts out as well.  One of our birthday treats is to shake his hand ... it comes up once a year on birthdays and then at Christmas.  We didn't do so good with it this year ... it made us feel terrible.  Sometimes it makes us giddy and happy, just not this year ... It made us worried, even though it was a short shake.  It was on the way out of his office on Thursday so we'll probably go over it on Tuesday.

We cleared up some business from the times before, but we're not sure at this point about what.  Pretty sure we told him again that Rich was out of town.  He was told our mother called yesterday but was abrupt and no more than 5 minutes.  She sang 1/3 to 1/2 birthday song and then excused herself.  Then she talked about another "dear friend" of hers who died.  She went into all the details about his wife.  Then she said - that's all goodbye.  I didn't understand the exit unless someone came in or something.  I didn't hear it but it left a bad taste.  There wasn't much more to add to that ...

I think one of the main things that we wanted to get to is some work with time spent to do our various activities.  Kate was out toward the end and working through how to manage by giving like half days to one project or another. Like today at least half the time would go to writing - though a good portion of the morning went to just settling down.  We're not understanding that part fully, but it takes a while to go through facebook and emails first thing.  That seems like a regular problem.  I think there is still problems because we're not real comfortable having to schedule time for later because everyone wants to do their tasks first.  Today i think I/we writers are getting time because yesterday was a big event (birthday) and because we haven't written since Sunday.  One of the things that Dr. Marvin said was it was instrumental that we keep doing our cleaning chores too.  And that AFTER that or around it we could do some of our other things.

Hmm, maybe now (bathroom) should also start a load of laundry and make the bed?  WHAT?!! Shower too!?? Well maybe ... my 1 pm medicine alarm went off ok, but it will be quick!

There got that set of things done ... shoot forgot though should have done litter/garbage and medicine.  I guess that will be the next up.  Cleaned up the bedroom and living room, took our shower and got dressed.  Good girl!

It's now 1:25 pm.

Hmm, now 1:57 pm.  Just talked to Linda ... she and Tony are looking at SUVs.  Could be exciting!

Maybe I should take the medicine ... and what else? Oh litter and garbage brb.

Good good ... litter, garbage, medicine ALL done including bringing out tv and blender boxes from our birthday. Place is looking better and better all the time.  Linda is gone for some indefinite amount of time so we're not worrying too much about schedules today.  I know we want to continue writing and then we'd like to work on the school backpacks.  So far we have 10 of the 42 complete.  Could do another dozen today :)

Back to Dr. Marvin though.  I think what we've been trying to do for the last couple of sessions is to figure out where we're going with our work on dissociation.  Yesterday when we were waiting for medicine she wouldn't give us ... grrrr, we were reading again from the book "Getting things done."  I think there is some order to things ... the part they were saying is to basically have the objective first ... so we know what we want to get done and then there is the plans he's trying to implant ... we're not to that part yet. He talks about open loops ... like thoughts and tasks and such that aren't complete yet because of on thing or another.  Like I could say this entry isn't complete so it is an open loop.  If I said we are going to write until 4 pm, then I would have closed the loop ... each point has to have a start and end point with usually the means to address the issue worked through.  He also talks about working in the zone.  So it is like no obstacles are left undone to interrupt the flow of thought.  I took out the garbage and now my fly is mad ... but in a writing mode he's not interrupt-like to the degree he becomes part of the story being told, but since I don't want to write about a fly - I need to complete that loop - shoot ... just checked old owners did not leave fly swatter in utility room as hoped.  BUT, now I know ... so in an in basket - one on shopping, I can put purchase flyswatter.  That will close the loop for the time being.  Depending how disruptive the fly becomes will let me know how fast he zooms to the head of the priority list.  Secondarily ...  we'll use a magazine!  Zippy little fly, but I can chase him down if necessary.  First part though was to get out the litter box and garbage.  Point in our favor :)

ok, maybe not too much into Dr. Marvin thoughts yet.  But, we're getting there.  I can take his point of generally scheduling in time so that everyone gets things done.  Today it was put things in order, write, and then sew.  Oh yeah and pick-up the house and become presentable.  If we broke our schedule to morning, afternoon, and evening, then we could take three major "projects" a day.  That sounds more reasonable.  Today it was organize morning, write afternoon and sew evening.  When Rich is here we don't always feel we have the option to sew at night because he would like our time.  Spending time with Sir Sweetie Pie is a stated priority for us too ... so that would have to be taken in consideration.  Also there are bigger overall projects - like with the multiplicity that are going to take time slots too.  Especially, at this point in reading blogs.

That's the thing with Dr. Marvin.  We tried to understand better our desire to do something in the multiple community that makes a difference.  I liked that we've gathered the blogs.  I think it is though a waste unless something is done with them.  I am also aware that it became so much that it bogged the system down - Partially, because after we read the blogs, we wanted to not only cull them, we wanted to analyze and as Dr. Marvin said some part of our effort should go into synthesizing.  I think his point there was that we should be able because of our ability to "figure things out" make use of the data and re-purpose it so that it might help someone else - I would think in understanding multiplicity.

Maybe that's really the brunt of the point we're getting to yet.  Part of the difficulty here is that we don't necessarily have a plan where we can "EASILY" convert input with output.  We've tried a few things and now we have to sort out what was working and what wasn't.

I think the Diigo was working to some degree ... I liked that quotes were being curated and that they were easy to read through.  Maybe I should test that out again and see how we do with it.  I know that part of the enjoyment was in reading the work of other multiples to basically see where they were at and whether or not they were learning things about themselves as systems to help the general group.  Maybe too we were looking for common denominators.  Those were like basic things that came up with one or more that seemed to validify somewhere in our own head how things work for multiples or the trends in our thinking and abilities and how we handle the "disorder."  Maybe too that some of it could be considered supreme order in a different facet of human development and then in that case, we'd want to know more about how that works.  I like thinking that what happened to us in extreme conditions kick-started us to some kind of higher level thinking that can be productive though not always.

I think part of the getting overwhelmed before was the influx of knowledge and not being able to sort it properly.  We tried using the mindmaps and outlines, but we lost ourselves in there at some point and wasn't sure what all happened, but we as a system closed down on the project.  Maybe too it was bumped by other priorities.  I think that about the time we were working on it up into October last year, we got bumped by those trying to get out Christmas presents - especially the quilting, and then that got bumped in January, by Rich's thoughts on moving which necessitated a flood toward financing and finding a new house, and then in the moving and then in the settling down by not only getting our things in order within the house, but also our taking care of household and lawn and establishing ourselves in a quilting community.

From where Dr. Marvin and I are thinking that that phase is really now coming to an end.  We are in better shape with all the above and other than the current blip in getting back to writing AND keeping up with household, we are in pretty good shape.  Some of the stuff we were spending energy on before, doesn't need attention anymore.  ESPECIALLY - in the finding of the church quilting, Quilting with Carol, and quilting with our quilting sisters.  We still get camaraderie too with FB and keeping in touch with emails.  Another big part of our socialization needs are met through the relationships with Rich, Linda, the boys and their families, and of course Dr. Marvin.  It would be nice if we were better with neighbors, but lately its gotten too hot to want to be outdoors where they are at.  Rich did remind us that our flowers would need watering and we did get dressed today so COULD do it, but I believe they are really supposed to be watered in the morning.  Maybe we could set a goal for tomorrow to be showered and dressed by 7 am, and then go out at that time.  They are taking in a lot of sun - even though it did rain once last week.  Ok, that catches us up on garden Goddess?  Hmm, one more thing ... we should arrange another time with Don to do the lawn ... we can't afford doing it more than once a week, and even that it will be even-up with Rich doing housings.  No profit.  BUT, it will help us get past our dilemma in putting up with the heat out there.  Right now it is 2:40 pm and it is 92 degrees out there.  We would also like Don to try our lawnmower thinking it would cut the grass more evenly and it could all be done with one pass through, I don't think his electric mower made it through without him coming back later.  He shouldn't have to pay the cost.  Just have to run into him to set it up ... at least temporarily until Rich comes back and takes it over.

Hmm, I wonder if I should try to contact CS ... she left a message last night after most things were done - while I was talking to Rich.  She mentioned that it is difficult for her to communicate with her present dental problems/solutions.  Not sure what to do there, but since its our writing time ... we'll put that off for now.

Hmm says that there is 50% chance of thunderstorms yet today, but that it is clear right now ... better look at doppler.  ahh isolated thunderstorms about 9 pm tonight ... better remember to shut the sunroom windows.  It also says that it feels like 99 out there.  I know that other states/cities have it worse, but definitely indoor weather!

AHA!  Just took a few moments to update some pictures on FB.  I hadn't made an entry yet today ... better change load of clothes in washer too, brb.

Whoops had forgotten a load in the dryer and had to reheat that ... moving along though.  Now we're trying sprite put through the ninja ... I like it on the counter in easy reach ability! Good stuff.  AND, we checked the mail ... nothing real important there.

Can we go back to Dr. Marvin's?  Where did we leave off with our interests in multiplicity.  I do recall that we were going to try checking out the Diigo.  Maybe we should run that one through for a few seconds now and see how it fits.

Ok, been there done that!  We read just five blogs, but then decided to wait for the next set.  The thinking is that maybe if we don't overwhelm ourselves we can make do.  AHA!  We came to this new place in our minds.  We figured even though we only read five today that we would post what we have ... If we read five more today - we'd just post that too!  Like does it matter if we can't run 40-80 in a day or two?  Naw.  Let's take it at its own pace ... Looking mostly not to get overwhelmed again.  Maybe if we work on just this part the rest of this month, then we can work on the next part - analysis and synthesis after that!

Ok, girl ... one more dryer load to fold (whites) and then we'll head toward the sewing room.  It's about 6:30 pm now and is officially counting toward the evening.  Feeling good AND we took care of ALL household today - well except floors ... maybe we'll do that on Sunday before fishyman gets home :)


Monday, July 15, 2013

Austin's been here ... oh man what a gift!

Sunday, July 14, 2013 @ 11:50 am

Good morning.  This is me.  I'm sitting with my Grandson Austin.  We are having such a great time.  He probably thinks we're not such a good Grandma in that after yesterday we'r hanging back from the computer games.  We tried it yesterday, but he swamped me by our third turn.  And, then he took mercy on me and said he wouldn't conquer my country/capital, and he let me get it back ... but then later he said he had a surprise for me and I was like great!  But, the surprise was that he sieged me again!  Now like hey is that fair?  Today when he asked we asked him to consider how inadequate we were and then there is some discussion there.  So now he's giving me a little break on that and he's sitting next to me and we are here on the computer and he is on his laptop next to me and then there's some fun talking in-between  He's playing the game and sometimes we hear about things like Ethiopia and the Sudan.  I think he might feel a little empathy because of the weakness of those countries in the game.  That's a nice thing about him among MANY OTHER NICE things!

We do have to say that he is not an early riser.  We thought and thought about it and then asked Linda and Rich and we then woke Austin up at 10 am, so you could imagine it was kind of funny when he didn't know the time yet and asked to be woke up at 9 am ... He's also complaining about not needing so much metal .. Oh Annexed Ethiopia ... ok, we'll move on, but you sort of get the idea :)

I know we have to return him, but we're not exactly ecstatic about that ... we want to keep him :)  I know that Laura said bring him back anytime and that Mike said he was going to be home all day.  It'll get figured out ... most likely Rich will come in and say are you about ready?  And, then we'll have to leave.  He's out looking at the boat and his tackle.  He's going to be gone Wednesday through Sunday fishing with his friends and Bob in particular as his partner.  Rich holds the schedule because he knows what time he is going to want to be with his mother.  I'm not sure if he asked her or WILL ask her closer to dinner, but idealistically he wants to take her out for dinner.  We're willing to go along with that.  I AM in a pretty good mood.

Mostly, I'm just happy that Austin is here ...

He is just so gosh darn cool!

Ok, I know get a handle on it, right?

We did have a nice brunch a little bit ago when he FINALLY got up - Laura and I messaged back and forth and she said I forgot to tell you he likes to sleep in.   We were giggling ... yup yup that seems to be true. :)

Anyway Rich made us all waffles and that was good ... oh and then we cleaned things up.  Good deal waffles for cleaning any day!

We're having little conversations yet ... the last one had something to do with conquering and killing, not sure why war is so important - male?  He says its the best way to gain something.  Eh?  Arguable!

Did I say that I talked to Linda earlier?  I think pretty much we were just both talking about what was happening in our last 12 hours or so.  And of course our time is being rich in Austinism.  I love his questions and role playing and how he's always thinking - especially, about things like on country level rather then the girl next door or what he wants to buy next.  Linda is nice to talk to at times like this because she has grandchildren and is proud of them too so she understands when I say how excited I am.  Hmmm better say this too in case Austin decides to read my message - we're only 1/2 inch from him ... :) Hi Austin!  Love YOU! :)

He knows that we are writing in our blog and then that blogs sometimes become a book, or something close to that.  I don't know if he read our entire first book, but I know he'd started and gotten into it a bit.

I told him this morning that for our birthday (18th) that we ordered both him and us a book and that his book would be delivered to his mail box probably about Thursday - MAYBE on my birthday, "The Bell Curve: Intelligence and Class Structure in American Life." It's hard to explain, and I don't want to go into a lot of details because of Austin's privacy, but he talks a lot about intelligence and is trying to figure out things like what does it mean to be gifted AND he plays games where he's comparing things like, countries and social structures and he was able to understand when we talked yesterday about the bell curve.  He then was able to use it in the examples that he was talking about.  I also stressed that we wanted him to read the reviews on the book because the book is controversial and that people were taking it both good and bad.  We don't want him to accept one "given" idea - but use it to challenge his presumptions.  It might be too much for him, but it will be a good reference book if he can get past some of the boring ideas that aren't as important to him.  I didn't realize it until after we ordered it but its like 900 pages.  That's a lot for ANYbody to sit through.

So that was that ... I told him about the book this morning and I think he will take it in and then do with it as he must - whether he bury's the book or buries himself within it.  I think on the positive side he might like that others in an intellectual world think about the kinds of stuff he does ... Just not sure if he's ready to read something that dense.

We just talked ... it is about 12:45 pm and he said that we could go home about 2 pm.  That seems fair.  He went out to tell Rich about the time ... so that's all fair ... we were talking about sitting in the front seat or the back ... it had come up yesterday so we had decided that we wouldn't get caught up in that ... so today we asked him if he wanted to sit in the front seat on the way home, he said, "sure."  I thought that was nice.  :)

He just lost one game because of Czechoslovakia ... that's a shame ... he said it was ok.  I think he's doing something now that has music.  I'm going to miss him when he's gone.  I did ask him that when we took him home we were going to pick-up my birthday present ... a small tv and did he want us to do that before or after we dropped them off.  He said after so that was ok.  It's going to be a great birthday present.  I might have said it before, but Rich is getting me a tv so we can have one in the bedroom so I can give him massages the last hour of the day before going to sleep sleep.  I thought then that be a good present for both of us ... and it's been on my new house shopping list the longest.

Next would be a microwave, but that's not so much fun ... I know the microwave would quit squealing, but I only make microwave popcorn for 2 1/2 minutes.  :)

I'm not sure how the rest of the birthday is going ... I think Rich is going to take me out to dinner probably on Tuesday night if he's leaving early Wednesday morning, or at least to the degree Bob bargains with him to be up.  Bob likes to drive in the early morning when Rich is sleeping.

We are also going to be seeing Dr. Marvin on Tuesday and Thursday which is the birthday day - that doesn't happen every year.  Good times :)  I hope he doesn't do something to bring up bad feelings that day ... that would be terrible.

Ok, let's take it up a notch girls :)

Did I tell you about the part of the lawn mowing?  Rich said we have to take it one at a time, but yesterday (without me knowing) he asked Don if he would mow or lawn.  Of course, he'll pay him.  It had gotten long again and I was getting to it, but not fast enough and Rich felt back because his knee problems are preventing him from doing it without great pain.  I think Don could use the money, but I still feel kind for having a neighbor do it because it could lead to an uneven relationship and it makes us look like we're too good to do our own work.  I feel bad about that - much better when I was trying to get the lawn mowed myself ... I admit that it is at one of the harder things that I do, but I felt a little more sturdy and useful when doing it.  Rich said again we can decide time by time and see how the money holds out.  I don't know how much he offered or if the other decided by setting a price.  I think he doesn't like mowing on the weekend, and I don't know which lawn mower he will use.  I hope Rich lets him use ours.  I think ours is the better one ... i don't think Don's is self-propelled.  Shoot think we're woosiefied.  Grrr.

Ok, enough of that!  Shh!

Ok, why don't we talk about this ... we wrote a note to Nancy Preston - the writer/friend of Shirley Mason (Sybil).  AND AND AND ... she wrote us back.  Apparently we made her feel about as good as she had made us feel when we found the note she left.  I think it was good coincidence.  We will write to her next, but I'd rather do it after Austin leaves, because we need better attention.  We're writing now, but we accept being easily interrupted.  Speaking of ... Rich just came in ... he says he's dripping and is getting himself a cold pop WITH ice.

Oh ... now we're in time-out again.  We talked to Rich about stuff going on and the upcoming schedule and he ended it by saying that he needed a 15 minute nap and then asked if we would turn on the 50's music.  Austin and I had been listening to "The Blend."  Austin didn't complain so I didn't either :)

Austin was playing his game quietly all the time Rich and I were talking ... we're thinking he probably zone us out.  He looks pretty entrenched into the game.  Maybe he'll play it on the way home ... Rich has an adapter if he wants to use it.  BUT, we like the engagement of Austin's conversations, so maybe the computer isn't such a good idea.  We'll see.

Not sure where we left off.  Hmmm, let's go back to talking about Nancy ... I don't think we were through there.  Anyway, she sent us this really nice note and we were so proud to get it ... she seems very nice AND thoughtful.  She also asked more about me ... I'm not sure what else to say.  We could let her know that we have an "About me" section in our Ann's Multiple blog, but I don't think she's going to want that long of a story.  She's probably heard many ... I think we would like to keep conversation pretty much in the present ... Just we would like to know some of her experience with multiples - Shirley and others.  She' a part of a much larger community than we know of.  She did ask to exchange information about each other on our blog/web sites so we too care of that already ... Was proud to add her ... I hope she doesn't mind we don't have a really prominent place on our blogs because we've got so much clutter ... That's the sort of thing you get when "the system" decorates.  *sigh*

Yeeks ... got to go ... time for Rich to be up and we have ten minutes to get out of here.  I've got it the easiest ... BUT, I see Austin has started to move and he moves fast ... gotta go!


Friday, July 12, 2013

Managing to write about the week ... so much to do!

Friday, July 12, 2013 @ 9:02 am

Good morning.  This is me/us - you know the ones that write in this blog!  Ok, and maybe too just a little on the silly side.

We just finished writing a note to Nancy Preston the woman who wrote the book of letters from Shirley Mason (Sybil) to herself.  I waited to write until after we read the book.  It was a good one.  It wasn't overly long, but direct and to the point.  The book contains images of some of the notes between them, but as well dialogue from the author on the relationship between her and Shirley.  I'm very glad that I read it.  I think it is an important book for multiples and others as well.  I'd like if Nancy wrote back, but too I'm thinking that she must have a lot to be doing in her regular life.  Ok, seeing now that comment is the part of us as a multiple who might not necessarily think herself worthy of being written back.  We don't like to erase what we write, but can say that we are conscious of it.  It reminds me of Nancy noting how conscious Shirley was of her handwriting and spelling.  Hey you ... it's perfect enough!

Anyway, finishing the book and writing the note made the first part of our day go by pleasantly.  YAY!!!

I did stop to have cereal.  I'm afraid it is becoming another of Chief's habits, but he's figured out how to get up on the pass-through by jumping up on one of the tall bar stools.  Not as easy as it might seem for a cat that's almost 15 years old.  Anyway the basic thing is that Chief seems to want milk for breakfast too.  Blah on THAT idea!

WOw!!! Another surprise!!!  I just got a pre-birthday call from Joe!  You know youngest son Joe??!  Ok, literally, we're pretty excited :)  We talked to Joe about what he was doing of late and especially noted that he is doing a fantastic job with his wife on the "bootcamp."  We had seen a video that Cari had posted of one of their groups.  From what Joe said, I think he's doing almost one bootcamp a day ... just so excited about the concept of having people come in for free to work on moving their bodies.  I would never be able to handle that much movement, but we love the concept.  If I didn't have the arthritis I would want to join one of their groups.  They just seem to have a really good time and the groups are offered during different times during the week so that there is a good chance one could find a schedule that worked.  He said some people connect to his karate or his herbalife groups, but that's only part of it ... if you never connected at all to the money things- that seems to be alright with them too :)  Good Joe!

Joe let me ask a few questions too about his brother.  I haven't seen or talked to Thom since early this year.  He's gone into hiding ... Joe says he's very depressed and didn't talk about drinking, but we're thinking that's part of it.  I think he's still looking at the job in Japan, but nothing solid as to if that is what's happening for him ... It's just a hunch.  We did talk to Joe about the unfairness to Austin for not having Thom connect to his life.  He's ONLY a kid dammit.  Should expect better than that from Thom.  He just can't imagine all the troubles it causes in a kids life not to be functioning positively from all necessary angles.  Anyway ... said our peace there ... We're figuring Thom feels worse than anyone about what he is doing or not doing.  Just it's only him that can break this current cycle.

We also stopped by Maury's fb and added a few lines to his pictures of two of the girls being out in Chicago with their cousin Austin from Arkansas.  I think he has an extended stay and we invited him to join Jasmine on an overnight.  I don't know if that would work out with him, but we think it could so offered.  I really owe Jasmine a night.  I think it might be easier to share time with a cousin then with her step-sister.  I'm having a tough time with her stronger interests to do things we can't do.

Anyway ... we'll play that one out.  Looking back at the blogging it seems now that we haven't written since the weekend.  I think we were still getting over a few things.  I know that we'd gotten upset because of Rich's mother and the alcoholism.  And, we've done pretty good with that during the week.  It took her a couple of days before she would talk to Rich, but he held strong and she finally had to be ok with it because she wanted him to take her smoking.  I think its a better deal now too in that although I don't like her nursing home, they seem to have agreed that once a shift, someone will take her out for a smoke.  That relieves Rich of some of the tension.  She still is using the electric cigarette and that helps too.  Rich reports that she's having a pretty good week.  We still have not been in to see her and the latest report from Bud when Rich saw him on Sunday was that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

Rich thinks that between the two of them, neither will ever be able to take on their place on their own or with each other.  We also know that at least one of Bud's kids, Freddy, thinks the same way and he is saying that his Dad will come to live with him after he gets as much therapy as he can from the nursing home.  Freddy is the one who is a police sergeant a couple of towns over.  He's married so it might only then be the three of them.  I think their family is very much against including anything that puts Bud back in touch with Rich's Mom.  She's learning to deal with it though it's been now 7-8 weeks since she talked to her husband.  She's also dealing with nobody on that side of the family will ever want to talk or DEAL with her either.  She seems to know when she's pushing people, but doesn't know how it is isolating her.  Also the nursing home that Bud is now in has rejected her from their care - so she's dealing with that too.

When she had a chance to be with her own family meaning Rich and his brother and Mark's kids and grandchildren, she did nothing to actually be with them, ask them how they were doing.  She asked people to do things for her like get her food, shoes, cigarette, AND booze, but that was her only connection to people.  Basically, she treated them as if they had been a caregiver in the nursing home.  Not someone to talk to, but someone to service her.  And that is a role that I don't want to get into with her.  I felt it when she was here during the flooding.  Do this, do that.  I think there was more conversation if I would sit with her while she was having a smoke, and then some conversation could be had, but almost all of it related to her.  Due to similar problems of having been raised by a narcissist mother, I'm rebelling going back to a daily relationship that is all about her.  I think my biggest gift I could give her is to not complain about how much time Rich takes away from our own household to be taking care of her.  It's not only about late dinners and socialization, but Rich isn't getting to much as to home improvements.  It started off that there was a big list of things needed to be done, but then it was just forgotten as if the house didn't need help.

Hmm, now thinking of that - house projects.  I think we've fallen away from some interest in the house too, because I don't like it that I am put out as the only one doing things for it.  Rich still does groceries and cooking, but that's pretty much it.  He didn't even finish the weed job that he took on in exchange for me mowing last week.  I know that during a good part of the day he has to take care of business because we still need an income past my disability and that other than income it is part of his identity to work.  I know I have more free time because we're not working, but we have projects that we do like this blog writing that nee time too.

Actually, it was a big part of our talking with Dr. Marvin yesterday - basically, how to balance the needs of our various parts.  We want to do the writing AND more reading - especially of others' blogs who are also multiple, and we still want to do the household (indoor/out) and still have time to quilt.  This weekend was a heavy quilting weekend so things got put off.  Housework is taking the worst hit.

Part of our weekend was to really first read Nancy Preston's book on the letters that were written to her by her famous friend, but also to be going through and making updates to the two blogs.  The first thing we did was go through and remove anyone for a year or over that was on the blog lists.  We added them to a section on the NEWS blog as to people who were multiple that wrote a blog longer than a year ago.  And, then we checked Sarah's blog to see if anything new had been written there.  Most of the contacts we had, but some were new.  We are still taking only the blogs of people who are multiples.  We opened each blog on her site and determined where it went, or if it were to be disregarded like the blogs that were closed or password protected we didn't do anything with.  Our list contains only multiples who are public.  I'm sure there is a lot of good stuff with the others, but in principle I'm into more communication not less.  We also did not take anyone that was simply dissociative or was working through PTSD, or anyone in the social service field.  It is not that these people are not valid or even critical to understanding the whole, just that we had to draw some boundaries to assist us on not being totally overwhelmed.

In the process we rekindled an interest in a blogger that had been on our blog roll named Kate is Rising.  Although we'd seen her before, we'd not realized what kind of a resource she had become for multiples.  We made sure to add her resource page to our list of blog links at the bottom of the Ann's multiple page.  She has a giant list.  I will go back there for sure.  She comes at multiplicity from all directions and it is useful to those with AND without multiplicity.  We've since been in contact with her.  We asked if she was interested in connecting our blog "lists" to hers.  She reminded me of Sarah's blog, and then we tried to define better the differences, and then she returned a note stating she would put it on her site soon.  It seemed that she's had access problems connecting to a computer at home, but that was soon to be changing.  I'd be very grateful to be included on the list because we really do feel a part of the multiple community and wish for that kind of recognition.

There was another connection we made from looking into the blogs of multiples and that was to an online organization named Mental Health Writer's Guild.  It seems to be a good group though there are not many multiples listed.  The person who seems to take care of the site, at least the intake of new members name is Kevin.  It was one of those things where you could submit your blogs' names and then he would let you know if you would be eligible for membership.  I got the same form letter back as others, but we were accepted for Ann's Multiple blog and the NEWS blog so that made us pretty happy.

Now thinking about it there were other connections made, but we're being reminded of them by clues left in our email box.  Otherwise we might not have remembered.  The next part of that cleaning up of our blog lists was to go through every single blog that is listed in our role and then investigate if there were other multiples out there that we didn't know about yet.  And, there were!  We found out in the end that the number of blogs we removed for lack of blog writing was almost equal to the new blogs we found who were writing.  YAY!!!!  That was good news.  Naturally, I would have liked to find more, but I consider the collection worthy of itself.  But searching through all these blogs, besides taking the weekend and Monday were also how we came up with some of these other connections.  Such as:

More multiples on Twitter
Fort Refuge for Abuse Survivors
Back to Many Voices (and the death of its long time leader)
The Dissociative Initiative
Ivory Garden and hooking up again through
Bravenet and

There may be more ... hmm, hold on a sec some other connections we made were through

Cycle of Healing
Mosaic Minds and
Sanctuary and Serenity

There are others too, but most I'd been to and was just again familiarizing ourselves.  There was a lot of work in processing all of this information out there.  Every time you find another resource for multiples or other people who have been sexually abused, it is like finding a desert mirage, but they are real.  Most places I'm real spotty as to returning too because I don't want to become over invested in someone else's work.  I think that happens a lot especially with message boards whether they are for multiples or quilters.  I've found them for both and like to know though that if I need to talk to someone, usually someone will respond back to you.  I guess our first love is writing and then reading - and the longest running cycle of this revolves around the multiplicity.

Shoot ... we feel kinda bad ... Linda has been in and out fast this morning and we didn't get a chance to catch up to her though did leave a message.  She said though that Tony was getting his camera ready and she was ready to leave with him for another photo shoot!  WooHOO!  On the positive side we are writing and so that allows us to continue.  We're just feeling an inability to keep up of late!

Wanted to mention before we get too far here is that we did have a couple of nice days for the "quilting faction" of us.  We were with the church quilting group on Tuesday and Wednesday before going to Dr. Marvin's yesterday.  Those weeks where so much time goes into the quilting - the rest of the stuff we do gets a bit neglected.  We try to make ourselves available to Rich, but that is about it ... housework doesn't meet priority #1 either.

I'm not sure if we mentioned it or not, but last night was a nice one with our sweetie, and yes I'm sorry we're jumping in and out with the parts and memories.  It's like everything is up for grabs because no one is sure when they will get their turn.  But, last night after Rich got back from his mothers we read a while, but then finished up making dinner with him, and then we kind of laid on his lap awhile so he could just hold us ... the we in us were tired and a bit lonely for him.  Happens too when he starts talking about the next trip.  He's going to probably leave next Wednesday and be gone through Sunday.  We weren't able to talk much about Dr. Marvin with him - couldn't remember what happened and then we had dinner and talked, and then we asked him if we could massage him in bed ... no seriously that was all!  I think we kept it up for about an hour, but as all those kinds of cozy feelings go we fell asleep ... I think the massage lasted from about 6 pm - 7 pm and except for using the washroom we didn't really get up the rest of the night AND woke at our normal time.  It was very nice.

As to the quilting part ... we of course weren't quilting, but at the church helping the quilting group.  We've told you the generics of this situation before, but mostly we help get quilts the church is making to the Lutheran World Relief program.  We aren't a member of the church yet, but if we were to join a church it would probably be this one.  Our regular part (since April) is to put quilt kits together from quilt blocks that another guy - Don cuts.  Other groups rip fabric or put backs and middles to the tops, or tie them or bind them whatever ... Usually people come and go during the two daytime shifts, but they stay pretty even at 12 or so.  Last month we put together 33 quilt kits and the time before 37, but this time we only had 16 quilt kits to put together.  One of the guys that helps with cutting between dates was having a knee operation after his vacation and then had other medical problems.

It gave me a chance to switch positions a couple of times.  The first one, I just did some cutting of 4" x 2" rectangles to be made into tabs for the school backpacks.  I cut AND sewed a lot!  At least about 3/4 a gallon size plastic bag.  I have a few more to sew, but got about 80% done by the end of the session.  All you do is fold the long to ends to meet each other in the middle then you fold one set of quarters on top the other so it is about half an inch wide.  Then you sew down the middle ... when they are used the will be folded in half - the long way as tabs in the bottom of the school bags.  Someone later then runs about 4' of cord through it and then another team fills the bags with some school supplies.  AND, then those get mailed to missionaries around the world.  It's really a good cause and quite a few Lutheran churches do this kind of work.

The next day when we ran out of work, we did some ironing for Don.  Keith had come in for lunch, but he had to leave before and after that.  I think Don was looking forward to Keith's time when he came in for lunch, but he settled for me.  He stopped us then about an hour before leaving time to get everything put away right.  During the day, we kept up with Don's contributions, but there weren't many ... the cutting just takes time.  We did get to talk to a few people.  We met a new lady to us in her 80's who was doing seam ripping, and it turns out she's a regular quilter, but doesn't do as much as she used to.  We talked/listened to another new lady to us though we've seen her a few times now.  Her name is Kathy and she's a home ec teacher.  She seems real easy to approach and is on the younger side like us.  Then we joked and teased this other lady named Loretta ... she's 95 and we really like her.  She's the one that ties all the baby quilts we make and we and a few others like Kathy and Mary Ann are keeping her busy!

When everyone is doing their work, we fade in and out of listening to different conversations.  Ellie we talked to too and that was the most fun to talk to.  She's pretty wild!  Her partner Connie has been out the last few times.  She's married to Mike the one that had the knee operation and then had to go back for obstructed bowels Tuesday.  So Kathy worked with Ellie and spliced in her regular sewing job.  There are a few that sew.  First is Carol the lady in charge, then Doris, and then Mary Ann, and then Kathy.  Maybe others sew too, but these seem like regulars - at least during the summer Kathy can be there.  I liked her and Mary Ann and us talked before and after the Tuesday session, but she wasn't there on Wednesday.  Ellie I felt bad for they were going to be leaving for vacation and didn't have a sitter yet for their animals.  I'd think of volunteering, but her cat needed shots and was still half-wild, PLUS she has horses, sheep, chickens and pigs and who on EARTH could handle all of that!??  I know another farmer, but most likely not us.

I think of Ellie as a sturdy woman!  Just she's small :)

Anyway toward the end of the day we realized that we weren't going to bring home quilt kits because there were so few done and so many others that work on them.  I figured I could use our own fabric, and then we figured that we could work on some of Carol's school back packs.  So we followed her into the sewing closet and came out with a stack that reached 42 when counted out.  It was like Eh?  we'll do as many as we can and we can always bring them back when the group gets together again on July 29th - 30th.

I'm going to be with the other Carol - the Dekalb Carol tonight so we're going to bring the school bags with us.  They first step is that they all need to be ironed so that is what we'll work on first.  I'm not sure how long that is going to take, but as a back-up, we will bring our flannel fabric box from our mother and work on cutting that.  If we finish early, we can just go home or sit around and talk, but I'm thinking that's way plenty of work to do.  We won't then bring our sewing machine, but instead take our ironing pad and cutting board.  The object is to bring no more than you can carry in one load.  I know we're like that.  We'll leave the fabric in the car - because that would be a second load and we may or may not need it.  The other difference is that we're shutting down at 10:30 pm instead of midnight so that only leaves 6 hours to get things done.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

We still haven't taken a shower yet and it is already 1:30 pm.  We will take a shower in an hour, and then Pack, and then leave by 3:45 pm.  WooHOO ... we're good to go ... though for sure will not get to the lawn today.  Maybe then it is a tomorrow thing to do.  Austin is now coming for sure.  He'll be here around noon.  So we either make cutting grass something to do with him or get it done before he gets there.  I really hate that there's so much to do with so little time to do it.  My stuff just takes way too long!  *sigh* but its so much fun to do each!

I guess that sort of brings us up to at least part of the meeting with Dr. Marvin yesterday.  There was only one meeting today because of the church quilting, but it seems like it was a well-deserved meeting.  I will have to work really hard at piecing more pieces of it together, but I know that sometime in the middle and again at the end we were talking to him about balancing all the things we would like or need to do so that parts and projects do not feel so crunched for time.  I don't know if there is reasonably a way to do this, but it seems to be the hot button project of the week. The Thursday before yesterday Corey had talked to the system about time to write and then there was time made to let her/us write, but then things like housework and lawn work went downhill.  Sewing would have too, but there was the two days built in.  I think we talked to Dr. Marvin of us having tried to make schedules, but that they fall through.  I think he said that we might make longer "project days" like we do with the quilting group and him.

I think one of the hard things to do there and there will probably be many is that we don't know when it is we're going to be super tired.  Linda did mention yesterday while messaging that sometimes we get very tired after Dr. Marvin's.  We may have realized that before, but not recently.  It does seem to make sense.  Part of that might be the long three hours of driving, but another part is the session itself, especially when there are more parts out trying to get some time with him.  One other part we talked to Dr. Marvin about was how tired we can get especially during a session if we stop by for donuts before getting there.  we'd gone several sessions without, but yesterday needed to stop for gas and then that was that.  Way too hard!  We kept yawning and I felt bad for the shape we had brought in.

Anyway like mentioned earlier - we went into the bedroom about 6 pm, and didn't come out for 12 hours.  MAN if there is ANYTHING going to mess with a schedule it is that.  Because the parts who had intended to iron last Inight didn't and then that sets our schedule of today.  And, then of course trying to get things caught up on the computer/writing/reading unsettled us too.  I don't mean to be complaining about things just the part about finding balance hasn't been done yet.  I think maybe the next time we get real time to write we'll do more with it, but we've only got 45 minutes left so won't do much of it today.

I'm trying to think now what kind of stuff was talked to Dr. Marvin about.  It was late in the session before we remembered to bring up Nancy Preston.  That part was very exciting going over with Dr. Marvin ... he is excited for us and is crediting us for having done the kind of work that could get us noticed by someone like her.  We keep thinking - man we touched basis with someone of "Sybil's" level.  It seems less surprising now days then in the past where we meet someone who wrote a book, but you have got to give the woman credit ... she knew the underneath part of Sybil held onto it privately for the majority of their relationship, and then shared it with others so that more people could understand - especially her life after being integrated.  We explained in our note to her that we didn't do the integration thing, but believed in co-communication.  I don't think she stated a position on that, but seemed to know there was that difference of acceptance in the multiple community.

Nancy's site counter - since I'm guessing about February this year is at about 106 thousand so it seems that there is some real interest in her book or topic, or in Nancy herself.  In comparison we've only had just over 20 thousand visitors since late 2010.  It's a different arena she's in.  If anyone were to be noticed by the multiple world - it would be someone connected to Sybil.  As mentioned in our note to her, she's the quintessential multiple to beat all multiples because she was the FIRST to gain widespread world notice and she set the standards for all that came after.

I explained briefly to Nancy in our note that I didn't think as much of Dr. Wilbur having the kind of life she did with Sybil afterward where Sybil became her health care worker and the person to take care of her household.  I could see if put in the same position of taking care of Dr. Marvin, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I know that he wouldn't allow for something like that.  As explained there is an imbalance in relationship power between a therapist and his/her client.  It's been mentioned in several books where we've read about Sybil (Shirley Mason) that the roles reversed and where Dr. Wilbur had taken care of her, then she took care of Dr. Wilbur.  But all the time they were together, Shirley was taking care of Dr. Wilbur who by far had the greatest notoriety because of Sybil where Shirley never got that attention or accolade, and then instead of coming to in her own right, she was put in a position of lifelong shadow of Dr. Wilbur.  As to "taking care of Shirley" I don't think that point was done justly.

I'm guessing that Nancy thought differently too though she was careful not to overreach that position.  This was generous of her.  I think both Dr. Wilbur and Nancy tried to maintain a protective stance over Shirley though there was a power difference there all along.  Shirley had been Nancy's teacher where Dr. Wilbur had been the psychiatrist.  Really uneven.  One more thing said there and I guess this is part of the last point.  When Sybil's VERY abusive mother was dying she made Sybil come back from her opportunity to be in college to be taking care of her and watching her die.  I think it was unconscionable that Dr. Wilbur really put her in that same exact position where Shirley's life was secondary to her own.  Just think boundaries had been blurred.

But, we can move on ... we didn't go through this in much depth with Dr. Marvin yesterday, but he did know and felt excited for us to have come this close in relationship to Sybil.  I would love to write back and forth to Nancy because she has such a nice role now in the community and probably has great insight to the large part of life connected to multiplicity.  I also think that she should be given more credit for being a writer and having poured so much energy into her writing project with Shirley and Dr. Wilbur and then have it cut off so cleanly.  It wasn't fair to her ... and it reminded me of how an abuser cuts off his victim from his/her world to make him feel more confined and dependent on him/her.  Hmm, I guess we're still a bit tiffed by that.  BUT we can really move on.  Let me try to think of something else we talked about to Dr. Marvin.

I know he tried to bring up the depression/suicidal parts that had been out recently.  I'm not really sure how that all went or how many minutes went into the conversation before we could divert from that topic.  I do know that we were and are feeling strong feelings of hiding that from too much out loud thinking.  I remember Dr. Marvin reminding us that after heavy contact with our mother it was more likely to happen, but we remember telling him we'd diverted our attention with the quilting and the sorting out of the blog rolls and reading Nancy's book.  I think we talked about the part we know something of which is hard to catch in our fleeting brain, but had something to do with believing that to get over the regressions, we would have to do some work in remembering the feelings to some of the stories we know and have yet to know.  It seems like most of the 14 year relationship to Dr. Marvin has been avoiding what we can guess to be painful.  I know that we held for a moment the session before the feeling that we were close to Annemarie as if she were standing at the switch as to us remembering that we had feelings back during her time as a child.  I'm guessing that she is scared if she released some of those feelings, she might blow away people or herself.  I know it is a quick turnover to have her thinking she'd rather be dead.  I guess then one of the questions would be - you'd rather be dead than what?  I'm guessing that it was related to grandfather, mother's or father's abuse, but we still have yet to know which was the worst for Annemarie who was the center of us escaping through the parts.  Not much more time to go into that more deeply, but we'd like to keep an open ear to finding out what the core of Annemarie is trying to protect.

I know that's probably asking a lot ... but then what if we found out?  Would there be no more need for Dr. Marvin?  We're certainly not ever wanting to feel that he could leave us as our psychiatrist.  I'm thinking if Dr. Marvin was here having this conversation he'd convey somehow not to worry and that he wasn't going to go away for a long time.  We often find ourselves wondering if we could see him from the start of his career to the end of it.  I think in many ways we have an attachment to him like we should have had with the mother - although Dr. Marvin DOES NOT do the physical emotional things that would be improper for a doctor.  Like he doesn't give hugs, smooches, or tell us that he loves us.  If he were to say he loved me/us it would be a part of how he loves humanity as a whole.  Maybe we hold a little special part in his heart after all these years, but we know he wouldn't do anything to hurt that ... so he will continue or end the sessions with that end in mind.

I don't know if we will ever be the same after either he or Rich or one of our kids/grandchildren were to die.  Hmm, that's interesting ... I think that came up with the part(s) that were holding Rich last night ... they were worried that he might die one day and then where would we be.  He's pretty sure we'd get ourselves food, but I can't imagine going on without either him or Dr. Marvin.  I know much too deep with only 15 minutes left.  :(

I guess we should close-up a bit yet.  One last chance - what else do we remember from Dr. Marvin's?  We see him twice next week on Tuesday and Thursday at our normal times and on Thursday we need more medicine.  That we remember.

Hmm, we did talk a little about our birthday I think, but I don't remember about what.  I don't think we talked about Rich not being here, but we do get Dr. Marvin on our birthday and that's an important thing.  We didn't remind him we'd just past our anniversary of seeing him.  We're confused with the numbers, just know our first day was July 6, 1999.  And today is July 12th, 2013.  Can someone do that number?  I'm not sure on the anniversary date we go to 14th year celebration or if we say it different ... like now after the date have we known him for 14 years or more?  We are really crazy dunce when it comes to things like this ... we'll have to ask him and THEN we will know.

Maybe we'll remember more when we write later this week.  I know though that our eyes are turned to Tuesday when we get to see him again.  Other than tonight being at Carol's and Austin coming tomorrow ... there shouldn't be too much that happens between now and then.  We're feeling anxiety now as we think about leaving the computer.  We're going to leave it up though for a little bit.  We will take our shower first, and then get ready to leave, and then if there are any moments left we will come back to continue our thoughts.  You might think we'd stop and do some of the little housework, but we're like way to anxious for that.  I think that's part of the combination between Kelsie and Corey and writing and our multiple thoughts.  AND, we're still wearing the dark cape of not being able to get closer to our Dr. Marvin thoughts.  We've known for a long time the parts aren't always considerate in sharing thoughts, but to not know what's happening to us through the individual parts is very hard on our brain.  We can feel our eyebrow furl as we struggle to listen for the unheard parts.  Maybe one more time we can ask.  Is there anything that happened at Dr. Marvin's you might want to talk about?

I guess not ... just the part where we want to see him again.  Sometimes everything else is just the stuff that happens getting to the other.  Why we feel so alive there - anyone's guess ... maybe just the allowance of being whomever there no matter how strange.

Ok Hi ... we're back.  We've showered, gotten dressed, and loaded the car.  Only thing now is to grab the keys and phone and go... Also have to remember our $10 to pay for dinner.  It is already in the car, but we want to remember to get it out FIRST time into the house.  Right?

I'm thinking we'll just do the bags, but thinking if we went at it a straight 6 hours it would be one completed every 8 1/2 minutes.  I don't think it takes all that time, maybe close, but there will be time set out to talk before, during, dinner, etc. so maybe that will be it.  We'll have to decide when we finish the ironing if that will be enough and we should about then leave, or if we want to bring in the separate project.  Thing is if we bring in the second project - AND EVEN take out some of the first ... we might have two armloads of stuff because the box of fabrics, ironing bag and cutting table would go out last AND that's a big handful.  We'll see ... I'm sure we'll know at the right time what we should do ... Thing is at this point when we can't gauge the length of time to iron - that at least we have options with the second project AND we don't have to bring in our sewing machine!  YAyy

I think getting a break where we go out to a friends' house is good for us though days like today when we feel so homebound, it is hard to leave the house to go anywhere.  Rich won't be back until well after we leave.  He was going to bring the bead job to a DD workshop he hadn't been to in a long time, but we were hearing in the background how excited the woman was to be getting work, and that made us feel better for him.  More work is GOOD!  I think he had a few stops and then was going to stop at his mother's and then maybe home and I think he was going to work on piece parts tonight.  That's what he did last week so he was still working when we came in about 11:15 pm.  Next week Carol will be off, so we'll get together the next week - whatever last week of July is ... think about the 26th.  Works out.  I might be lethargic and feel sorry for ourselves on our birthday so will want the option of staying in.  Joe said something about Fridays being best for him, but then I think he said the next couple of Fridays are busy.  Maybe I can sneak in for a lunch.  I think he said he was doing some kid sitting.  Not sure of what all that is about, but as stated previously he was laid off his job when he was on disability for his torn meniscus surgery.

As it turns out ... that is one of Rich's problems too.  His MRI got back yesterday and he visited the doctor and the material said two things.  1) torn meniscus, and 2) arthritis.  BLAH HUMbug!  Rich let himself dream this morning he could be an employee of this workshop enough to get insurance, but the likelihood of that is very slim.  The insurance though would get him a replaced knee.  I'm not sure if the meniscus could be taken care of by arthritic surgery, but we're talking many thousands of dollars down the line.  Probably best to leave that slide for the moment.

At least he knows what is wrong with his knee and a good idea what has to be done about it.  I don't think it's something done for free at county ERs.  Double Blah!

Just don't know how to handle it yet.  He did get him back on the medicine that had worked better from the old doctor, instead of the stuff for regular pain at 800 mg.  Just its hard to see him because it affects every move he makes particularly standing and then sitting down.  It's better for him after he gets going.  Joe also had the torn meniscus and he seems to be doing very well with it.  He says he's pushing it so that he can be doing karate things an running and all the extra stuff his healthy body is used to.  He says it's hard to teach a five year old karate without showing him the moves.

Half hour left.

I might almost be done with conversation?

Not much for mail today.  Maybe I should think of putting something in my facebook, AND I think I have one person who sent me a note in one of the groups.  Wonder if I could find it again, hmm?

Hmm found note and responded - it was a Fort Refuge note, but even though we're now allowed to do chat we couldn't get the plugin - java or other to work in chrome so we could open the chat room BLAH ... have to start again later ... otherwise - time to go!