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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 140 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity Disorder in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our Twitter account (@aynetal3) lists approximately 240 Multiples). Keep looking for support - it's OUT there!
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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Saturday thinking through the day - til we get to the "stop" place :)

Saturday, July 6, 2013 @ 10:42 am

Hi ... just us.  We don't think we'll be writing very long today. We've already passed up most of the early morning and into our daily tasks.  Basically, showered, dressed, cleaned up bedroom and have a load of clothes in the dryer.  White load actually.  Should have probably been done yesterday, but today is fine too.  We actually talked with Linda for a short while this morning which was very nice.  She's in LaCrosse, WI with her husband on vacation.  She's pulled out a list of about 5 quilt shops that they are going to see today ... not sure if she'll get to all of them, and we're thinking since she'll be there a couple days, they will get some nice pictures too before heading further west - maybe all the way to Sioux Falls, SD  WOOHOO Journey-bug!

Otherwise, we spent a little time talking to Rich before he left to visit his mother and we took care of some correspondence and did some reading.  Apparently, a few people have visited my blog back in January and February that I didn't catch ... It was a REALLY exciting day because of that.  The first was a multiple who is just 15, the second is a multiple who is trying to scrape by, and the third is an author, and the friend of SYBIL!!!!!  OMG just about fell off our chair!

I wrote to the first two and read all or part of their blogs.  You just have to be real excited when multiples connect.  Sometimes we as a people will search out others like us and its an affirmation that we as a group exist and go through similar ups and downs and in-betweens.  I felt and still feel strongly about the blog roll we created with just multiples.  Basically, if you find the spot then you have a better chance of finding others.  I think it is easy to get overwhelmed with that task, but it still is out their challenging us to begin again. The two multiples that I met and added to the blogroll or links at the bottom of the page are:

Mary Catherine - http://myjourneywithdid.blogspot.com/
Synthgirl (apologize - not sure which name they are using) http://synthiamasters.com/

They are in and out of the writing effort as many of us, but go ahead and read them AND LEAVE COMMENTS!  That's the best way we as multiples or supporters of have to be communicating with the community of multiples.

The third one to leave a comment is named Nancy Preston.  She wrote the book, "After Sybil... From the letters of Shirley Mason."  It can be bought from her through her site at sybilsfriend.com, or it can be purchased through Amazon in either black and white book, colored book, or through Kindle.  We downloaded a copy immediately and read about 25% yesterday before we had to leave the house for our quilting engagement.

I think now I've walked around with a swelled head for 24 hours thinking that it is soooo gosh darn lucky to be talking with someone who knew Shirley Mason so well.  I'm really feeling honored for the connection.  For a multiple "Sybil" is just the hugest thing!  I will most likely write to Nancy too, but I will wait until after finishing the book.  I don't mean to be disrespectful in not having read it before contacting her.  I think its important to receive some earnest fan mail.  I like very much what we are reading already.  It is very direct to the source.

So meeting those three women yesterday has had my heart pitter-pattering!  We tried to explain to a few people - Carol last night, Rich about bedtime, and then Linda when talking to her from LaCrosse.  I just have the sense that they are really not getting it.  It feels huge to be connected to other multiples that have "found" you.  Each instance a sense of discovery!  Maybe we could push those feelings to be now day explorers in our field.  Each said very complimentary things about the quilts, the coziness of our home, or about contributing to the multiple "cause."  Just made me feel proud as the dickens!  If you've been a blogger out there and someone wandered past you would feel the same kind of excitement.  Dr. Marvin would call it validation.  Just love it!

Probably have to calm ourselves down again.  Maybe I should do a little more work and then come back.  That's probably a good idea.  I had had to sit down until my back felt stronger.  I think I can do a little more now.  Thinking check the living room and kitchen, and then do the kitty litter and get the garbage out ... That would be enough :)  Hmm, so much for all our newfound notoriety Hehehe.

AHA!  Done!  I also cleaned a few spots on the carpet, started the dishwasher and am making Rich tea - to be fridged.  Next thing will be to get out the vacuum cleaner and go through the bedroom, sitting room AND the sunroom - manoman does that place collect the kitty fur.  That's most of the problems we are having with the floors - keeping up with the kitties.  They are hotter now I believe and are throwing up more and shedding more.  Hopefully, Rich will listen to our advice from the twins and pick up a better brand (IAMS) cat food so their stomachs can hold it down better.  Rich is complaining of cost, but really we have a lot to be thankful for and take care of - best do it as lovingly as we can.  It's not like breaking the bank expense either, right?

Then, I will be almost done ... I might have to do the task of putting back together my sewing room before vacuuming since the machine, table and accessories are in the way of vacuuming.  That's never a terrible task.

So as to being on with our regular day, hmm?

We woke up today around 6 am and had gone to bed about 11:30-12.  We were at Carol's - more of that later.  But, when we got in (with slurpee) we sat down for a few moments to talk to Rich who was working on his piece parts.  I think that is what he usually does on these latenight Friday sews - OTHER than when he gets it all together to go fishing with Rich.

There was some more bad news with his mother.  He is saying THEY are saying that she projected herself out of the wheelchair and it doesn't seem that Rich believes them.  This morning he will ask for a report on it.  It was bad enough that she had to be taken to the hospital due to a significant head banging/bruising.  She's back at the nursing home now, but the stories are mixed.  Rich thinks they could have been rough with her, but there is a possibility she DID get out of her chair and tripped over the feet.  From the sound of it, she was out at the nursing station - probably something they did - they put a dozen people out there in wheel chairs so they can be watched.  Apparently, Rich's mother thought she'd had enough and wanted to go back to her room.  That's where the confusion of reports start.  I don't want to be unfair to them, just they aren't on the trustworthy list yet.  I could see Rich's mom trying to get up on her own to wheel herself back.  Just not sure.  Rich will find out more this morning - that's where he is now.

I think he has to go back to Walgreen's and he took the receipt to return some pants that didn't fit to Walmart.  I don't think he has enough time to visit Bud today although that was one of his goals yesterday.  Yesterday among other things like visiting his mother and a customer, he had a doctor appointment .. I think it might be some kind of sliding scale medical center.  They are FINALLY going to schedule him for a MRI on his leg/hip to see what's really going on there with all his pain.  I'm so relieved its made it to this point.  It's going to be about $350 for the test, but I KNOW that's very much discounted so we're very appreciative.  I'm not sure why a date hasn't been set already, but we'll ask for sure when he gets back.

Rich did business this morning and it looks like he might get a new contract or too ... I'm really happy to see him being proactive with it.  I hope things come through for him - anything to make his load lighter.  He said that when he gets home - he is going to pull some more major weeds in the back "rock garden"  they are about hip high and they are really dug in well.  It was his part of the deal - in exchange for my part of the deal where I mowed the entire lawn!  Maybe we'll go out and help if we can, but the last time he was out there we came back to the back from mowing and he was standing there having a beer with the neighbor.  Hehehe I think I wrote that before and am just teasing, but its enough to hold him to the task.  THEN, he is going to work with piece parts again before getting reshowered to go over to his mom's home where his brother is staying.  Mark the brother is making a BBQ and having fireworks with us and his two kids and grandchildren.  It should be ok ... at least the first part. He's been told several times that we don't do well with FIREWORKS!  Some like the prettiness of them, but the most dangerous of the group get threatened by the loudness.  It's not worth freaking out with a group of people we don't really hang out with a lot.  I know they know about the multiplicity, but not eve and a discussional level - we wouldn't mind, but they've not brought it up.

So that is that with that.

As to my day ... you heard of our little projects with the cleaning.  It's 11:30 am now and we expect to be in and out of that with the small tasks noted and in folding/hanging up clothes and towels.  Hopefully, it will all be done around 2-2:30 pm.  Figuring now better go check the white load/towels, because we can't hear if the washer has stopped over the sound of the dishwasher.

Good good, we're back.  We took care of the sitting room and bedroom floors, changes loads of clothes in the washer and dryer, AND set-up our sewing room.  We thought we'd broken something (snapped) when we put machine away last night and it turns out to have been our new needle.  We're hoping we can find another today when we get back to it.  We had problems with the machine last night - I think because the stitch regulator had shook loose.  It seemed ok after I took it off and readjusted it.

Hmm, might as well touch on that too.  Last night we were over at Carol's from 4:30-10:45 pm.  It was a nice visit.  We're still bringing her the $10 to cover food and she had made enchiladas.  Or, at least heated them up from a box.  Dessert was a fudgicle.   We had a good time and talked about many areas of shared interest.  She worked on a blue jean quilt after not being able to find something she needed for quilting (her planned project).  She made great progress.

I continued to work on the five big quilts.  One was completely done before Carol's and another was half way done.  So we finished that and completed two more.  It wasn't a gigantic feet because the four quilts all were either 12 or 24 piece blocks.  We still have to iron a few of those and get pictures, but otherwise they are going in the done pile.  We also started the 5th quilt.  It is the more complicated 96 piece blocks.  It's still JUST blocks so not WAY complicated, just a little.  hehehe. The fabric was funny on several of the quilts.  I think we had one with regular cotton fabric, and then another was flannel, another was real light, and another was this goofy shiny stuff.  Oh and then the trouble maker!  The fifth quilt was knit.  Who in whatever whatever makes quilts out of knit fabric?  Blah!

Ok, ok ... we don't mean to complain, but it is something for a normal "fancy" quilter to adjust to.  We mean to keep at it though where we're putting together whatever is to be gotten.  I'm thinking today before going over to Rich's brother's we're going to ask Rich to stop by at the church.  I like delivering the new quilts by hand, but I think I could get 2-3 more done before Tuesday if I really work at it.  I just don't know how much they have left to finish.  I think Don and I have been swamping them with quilt kits.  We're hoping that they're having some fun with them.  There was like 21 quilt kits last time with only 12 pieces each.  That's where we go BLAH!  So, if that is the case we'll take 3-4 if that is still there.  I would think by then that anyone who wants to make a quilt has - AND, there still might be leftovers.  That's my guess at least.  The last time there were 33 kits and the time before 37 kits, and it's my understanding that before they could go up to 26-28 quilt kits.  I think that's pushing the system, but we're ready for surprises.

IF there weren't any quilt kits left, that would give me the go-ahead I would need to start a quilt or two with the fabric that I have.  So far ... on 7-6-13 we're at 14 big quilts completed and 25 baby quilts.  WooHoo.  So this number is going in as 3 months quilting :) So that would be April to May, May to June, and June to July ... so when we're remembering the months - we must have started the month after we moved ... as a system we seem to remember the March 25th actual move date.  Crafty of us to start our quilting groups so quickly after :)

AHA!  We've been updated.  Rich just walked in ... dumped a load of groceries and then said he was going now to see his mother.  I guess all this time he's been gone he didn't go any further than Walmart.  He did return the two pants and then said that we will have to order his size online, because they didn't have it at the store.  I'm glad he took the time to look.  Just surprised the mother visit hasn't been done yet.  It's just past 12:30 pm.  Reminds me we should eat pretty soon - maybe in a half hour when it is time to take my medicine.

After discussion, he agreed he should call his brother and get an exact time for today, and he had to go pick up a prescription at Walgreens, and he still has on the list to pull those tall weeds and do some piece parts.  We talked about stopping by at the church, but I think we'll probably do it before we go to Marks, IF it is at 6 pm.  My time goal is that there is a service at 5 pm, so at that time the church will be open.  It will be pretty petrifying to walk in there when people are there, but maybe we can do it 10-15 minutes after they start so I don't have to mingle with people in the lobby area - they have a big lobby area.  Feel like it's getting to be a little too much - maybe closer, without Rich, and without the afternoon medicine.  Have to put that on a back burner again.

I think I will go put away the groceries and vacuum the sitting room floor.  Rich did ask if I wanted to go with him to his mothers, but he was standing at the door - one foot out and it wasn't enough time to prepare us for the shock of it.  Again we haven't gone in 5-6 weeks, because he thought she was too far out of it.  Now we have to prepare "OUR system" for that time jar, the nursing home which we've been once before and had put us in dismay shock, and that Rich's mother's face is black and blue from falling, but will need a kiss.  That kind of stuff for our system can be pretty horrifying.  I told him we would prepare ourselves for going with him to see his Mom - tomorrow on Sunday and also Bud.  That be a real good Ann.  OK ... gotta get a few things done.  BRB.

It's a bit later ... It's already 3:30 pm.  We have by now gotten everything done and the clean clothes and dishes have been put away.  We did however, take a second dose of our afternoon medicine.  Don't really remember taking a whole entire dose again, but we got very angry and frustrated, and then depressed.  It shouldn't have happened this way, but Rich came home over an hour later than he had planned.  I had been folding clothes at the time.  And then, he said that we were going to be angry with him.  We were like what?  What happened now?  As it turns out through whichever chain of events, his mother is going to be at the party this afternoon.  This is after NOT eating or doing anything to support herself.  Rich said she won't be allowed to drink, but he's said nothing of her chain smoking.  I guess the most predominant thought/feeling we have was of disappointment for for not getting a REGULAR time to meet with Mark and his family and especially for then exchanging that for having to cater to his mother as the center of the party.

She doesn't stop to ask or think or care about anyone else there ... Mark stated it most succinctly, she is the prima dona.  EVERYthing will be around her and her anger for the situation she's in and blaming everyone else for and there is going to be arguing and screaming and all sorts of said nonsense and I'm VERY angry about the entire thing.  Rich only stated, she feels miserable.  My response is so that she is going to make EVERYone else - all SIX of us to feel as miserable as she is.  We'd stated before some of the reasons we'd had problem getting ready for meeting her again, and we feel now as if we've been cut short and that not only are we going to be put through that wringer, but we have to do it around other people we DO care about.  They will be going through similar turmoil.  I just want NOTHING of IT!

I know it is my duty to support Rich in HIS taking care of his mother, and in doing this he has been worn down by her to be taking her and is probably looking for the broader family support.  But, I just can't stand the thought of taking all her misery.  DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN.

Ok, obviously we're still angry here.  It had been such a nice day.  We were doing things, writing, cleaning, creating peace and order.  And now a thunderstorm.  I don't know why we aren't feeling more empathetic.  Maybe it's partly because Rich has had us separate from this other life of seeing and hearing her actual presence. We hear about her each and every day and she's the center of Rich and our conversation.  But, it has been one step removed.

The only thing saving us right now is the thought that we can leave.  We can insist on a key statement that Rich will take us home before we implode.  It's only 6 minutes from their place to ours.  I don't want to create any scenes, and we have never argued with her out loud.  We have stated firmly our opinion, but do not force it on her.  She always takes care of herself first regardless of what others think.  And, then it surprises her that she's not close to anyone.  I don't want to make it worse than it might be, because we haven't gone through the situation to feel its affect.  I feel my defenses rising though and that we're trying to protect ourselves.

I feel about a hundred thousand other unexplained feelings especially of dread, but I know that I have to put on a semblance of being ok so as not to escalate the problems between Rich and me as he works to "protect" his mother from truths of reality.  Yes, people are angry, yes you make a difference, YES you are an alcoholic and aren't able to care for self or others, and yes, you are a problem to every life you touch.

Thinking now some of the anger I feel is most likely resourced in my own family and their alcoholic indulgent wishes to abuse, condemn and control.  Maybe this is something then that just has to be watched, and then put aside for Dr. Marvin.  I know that if he were here, he'd say we are an adult and able to protect ourselves like we couldn't have done in the past.  This time if someone rages undisciplined in social reality of others, we don't need to put up with it.  We can leave, and continue to support Rich, but not to support him in this manner of helping him TAKE CARE OF HIS MOTHER BECAUSE SHE"S UNABLE.  She's only able to destroy feelings and thoughts of others.

I don't know why I'm feeling such raw emotion about this right now.  I don't know where we've come from today in itself, so that this is playing such a strong effect.  I do know that we've been around Mark more than in the past and we've gotten to having conversations that have relevance and are not anger filled because his mother is incensed about her life and the misery she's dropped on it.  Rich is saying that she still feels "hurt" that Tiller's wound't let her come back.  That's just lunacy.  NO one wants that mess to come back including me.

I know that I should feel grateful, because she's Rich's mother, and because she's contributed so much to the house that we are living in.  I feel that it wouldn't take much more of a pinch for her to remind me or others of that.  She is very much like my father in that she hasn't earned respect, but still demands it as if they were the center of life itself.  IT JUST ISN"T GOING TO HAPPEN!

(20,569/4,676)

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