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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Saturday, August 10, 2013

What an ENCHANTING Day of discovery! Being multiple is GOOD!

CLICK HERE to find MIND MAP on top of NEWS DID/MPD Blog

Saturday, August 10, 2013 @ 1:14 pm

Oops ... it's starts right at the front of things.  Just noticed the time and that we'd not taken our afternoon medicine yet.  Maybe we better do that right away.  I don't think there is anything to snack on ... but pretty sure someone will try that too!

Yup yup ... came back with a peanut butter/jelly rice cake.  What we'll do for a bit of sugar!

Well today is Saturday and we last wrote on Wednesday meaning there has been an extra Dr. Marvin day gone by that we haven't written about yet, AND another entire day and a half to account for.  Rich left for fishing Thursday afternoon after we got back from the city and because we were on time we were able to get for him some cash he needed for his fishing trip because we had stopped at the bank.  I think we had just started to talk, but then the insurance person called because of his accident, and then while that was happening his partner stopped over.  I think the partner seemed very nice and seemed to have an open mind and we're hoping he didn't get caught up too much that we lived in a mobile home.  Usually, the guys haven't been stopping inside the house, but I couldn't leave him outside with Rich caught-up on the phone.  It just wouldn't be polite.

I do have to somehow get that load of white towels folded that was on the counter, because if the fishy friend stops by again, he might notice that its been three days.  We did manage to start the dishwasher earlier, but that is as far as our domestic Goddestry has taken us.  *sigh*

I think the other "event" that occurred in these last several days was that we had an outing at Carol's last night.  That was great fun.  There were times I wasn't quite as happy - in that three times Carol's adult daughter came by to talk, and the last time she sat down and carried on pretty much a one-person dialogue with herself, but out loud.  I really look forward to the time I get to talking to Carol AND her daughter wasn't adding anything to a real conversation ... so I felt a little pouty and then eventually just left.  It was past time to go anyway, just I'd hoped she was going to wear herself out and leave, but instead she stayed firmly planted.  There's a little wondering about the psychology of that.  The tendency of my thinking is that she's putting a wedge between Carol and I - possibly because she realizes that the two of us are having a great time.  Boo HISS HISS.

Other than that blip ... again the visit with Carol was nice.  AND, we completed 12 more bags YAY!!!

There was one conversation that stood out.  Basically, somewhere in-between everything else, we started to explain to Carol about what we were doing with our writing efforts.  It's really all Dr. Marvin's fault.  We went through the whole session and the last part Kate had done a really good job trying to stay out to discuss younger parts, but then in the end she was a bit dismayed and might have said something out loud like "I don't know what to do about it."  It's probably why Dr. Marvin gets paid thousands of dollars - but more or less seriously WHILE being off the cuff told her that we needed to write our second book.

We saw the flip-flop behavior of ears perking up within the system.  What?  What??!  We should write a book??!!!!  It seemed as if something had been rekindled that was long since dormant.  I think the response to Dr. Marvin was a light joking ... like - we're going to hold you responsible for all the chaos that's this thought is going to joust over the next few days.  We're just like that and Dr. Marvin laughed tongue in cheek, because he's just the kind of guy to set things off in us like that.

We're really actually quite proud that he thinks that we can do it.  We're not sure where his thoughts were as to what kind of book because it was said RIGHT before leaving, but our minds touched on two thoughts.  First was the idea we've had longstanding goals of turning more blogs into books like the first one, but then there is the realization now that we have TWO blogs and it had been another intention to write a more searchable book not on our story directly, but somehow through the conversations of multiples like the one's we're reading from the 140 multiples in the NEWS blog.

We felt satisfied that we'd just caught up the NEWS blog on the 7th (today is the 10th) and our mind sloped over in that direction.  We had too many thoughts on wanting to explore rather than just edit, so we let that topple our dreams.

We really had to do a lot of work re-connecting and Kelsie always has a big part to do with this.  I think she gets burned out with thoughts of just sewing and cleaning. All of a sudden that door was swung open and she was well rested for the challenge.

Then there is the good and the bad.  The bad is that we spent more money ... big money and we don't even deserve a nod of sanity from Rich.  He should quite literally shoot us and take away our debit card.  But the bottom result was that we spent $160 for an annual subscription to the Mind mapping program we'd utilized before for free.  We couldn't remember for quite a while what we had done in the past. We figured out the part of it was left in some kind of mind mapping program, but we had a few downloaded on our big computer and it took a while to sort out what was what.  The program we eventually came to was the one left off last time we were working with the NEWS blog last October (2012).  It is called, "The Brain" Mind Mapping software.

The biggest problem though was that we'd gotten started on it with a free demo, and by now the free part had expired.  We couldn't even get access to the work previously done by us which was a very big set-up especially in the area of the NEWS blog of our annotations from the multiples' blogs.  We kind of freaked out ... we did call the company to see if there wasn't a better price, but the bottom line was that if we were going to use the program we were going to need invest the money noted above.

We knew that we were already in trouble with the money not told to Rich that came with the carpet cleaner in extra installments, and we've given Rich no relief in our belligerence to keep spending money that he's telling me can't be spent.  Each time we do repeat something like this that is highly impulsive its felt strongly that it (spending) has to STOP this TIME ... we're like ok, it's out of our system and we're not going to do it anymore, but then we keep pressing or pushing the boundaries that Rich has placed on us for our own good.  It's like having an addiction.  There is no relief until after you spend the money, and then its like a new pressure, but on the side burner is the fact that you can now live with what you spent the money on - unfair reward, but true nonetheless.

Our thing was to get back into the mind mapping and test out the waters.  The last entry in our "multiple blog" (this one) gives a smaller example of what's been done with the mind mapping program in the last 24 hours or so.  We've only gone through about six (blogs/bloggers), but we are terribly impressed with the work that is occurring.  Not impressed with ourselves as much as to gratifying that level of thinking within us.  We did have to take a break from it though we'd gotten up about 6 am and had gone back to the work from the day previous.  I think that it is going to be very very exciting if we are able to really do what has been made up as plan.  It is honest to God work.

Basically, we have decided so as to not overwhelm the system to really go at this project randomly with general attempts to balance all parts of our life - though in giving serious time and attention to the project.  One of the ways we've thought to balancing time is that in-between reading and writing - our blogs and that of others, we will not update the annotations until we are able to go through the entire batch from the time before (at present 55 sets of blog annotations).  Inevitably, we are going to find ourselves more than a week behind in catching up on others' blogs, but I think it is critical of us to keep things in proportion.  That is why we're really gravitating on the randomness of curating annotations from the bloggers.

I think this also gives them a sense of safety in that I'm not taking or trying to take EVERYTHING in their blogs, but perhaps over a couple of weeks - just one of whichever entry they just posted.  This will help us not get into their particular story but to focus on the things that we read at random that strike us as important to the multiple community.

I don't expect all the multiples we come in contact with to understand and I'm not sure if others haven't commented by word or deed the backing off of their blogs being public by going private.  I noted a few messages like that, but because they weren't addressed to me, I have no idea if it was me that was bothering them or some other random person.  We do leave a note on our blogs stating that if anyone comes across our blogs and don't want to be included in the blog roll to just leave a note and communicate, and we'll disperse of their blog link immediately.

For the most part though we have to go on the idea that if someone is blogging in public, they would like to be read, and because we don't manipulate their information - it gets listed as exact annotations from statements they make that I'm not doing anyone a disservice.  We do list with all annotations - direct links back to the blogger and his or her blog as suggested by others knowledgeable in keeping good form and business practices.  We also invite our readers to read the blog of people they may be interested in to get a better contextual view of where that person might be coming from.

As we curate and discover gems out in the field, we try to stay away from following someone's story line and instead hold onto thought processes.  When we do mention others through noting lines in the mind map, we try to use relationships like terms of "family, sibling, therapist, peer" and in doing so disconnect from the person(s) being focused on while the blogger is writing.  We don't mean to be snoopy of particular relationships, but more interested in curating how relationships work.  For example.  All multiples that write are generally called "self" and each multiple "self" has "parts."  And, all selves have generic thoughts, behaviors, feelings, beliefs, etc.  For example, we all feel anger, but the beauty is that it is expressed differently and in so doing gives insights to the whole.  I by no means want to marginalize individuals or their being, but what I'm trying to be introspective.  I hope I'm using the word correctly.

Basically, for example if we were to in this "global" way of narration through the mind map be writing about "behaviors" - choosing that idea - "behaviors" could lead to child ideas (withing mind mapping structure) such as "dysfunctional and functional behaviors" - these kinds of thoughts could have developed from anyone, but as we go through the annotations, we're just connecting to a particular multiple who somehow put this in context.  So for example of dysfunctional behaviors, we might outline ideas such as addictions, entrapment, escape, sleep deprivation, obsessions, triggers, and the denial of one's parts.  Under the functional side, we might mention behaviors such as being sexually intimate, eating and drinking, pushing oneself physically, teaching/learning, giving thanks, positively relating and working with parts, sleeping, and surviving.

On their own - anyone of the multiples might have had one or more of theses functional or dysfunctional behaviors.  But, what we are interested in is what lead to these things and what the consequences are of having them.  We also want to leave reference points so that if we want to go back for examples of things like this we can go back to the original blog and give the individual blogger credit for having discussed the idea in whichever manner it happened.

If we are talking about simple behaviors like entrapment, then we do well with noting that one of the bloggers indicated that when he or she experienced the behavior they could also tie in their feeling over inability to change and inflexibility. When the blogger talked about inflexibility he or she also mentioned something about ability or lack of ability to break rules.  This example started from the blogger, "Maybe Your Own."  She wrote, "feel[s] like I frustrate people because I can’t break these rules. I know I should be able to take up my therapist on her offer of twice a week sessions, call people on my treatment team when I’m in crisis, or tell my therapist she upset me. I know good and well that these are not socially unacceptable things, and I know it would be for my own benefit. But when people tell me its okay, I shoot them down because I know I can’t break my own rules."

Basically, then this person set a series of conditions (known consciously to any one or more part or not known consciously), so for example, she may need the twice a week sessions, but somewhere within her system had already set a condition such if anyone needed more than one session a week - to block thinking.  In reality she might have thought that was a negative behavior because it seemed needy.  There's nothing to indicate that was her actual concern, but the important thing was that she realized there were internalized rules - mostly by unknown other alters that were causing her to behave in a way that might not have been prosperous for all the parts, but in some way might have kept the system of parts in tact.  For example. maybe an internal younger part or a belligerent middle-aged part couldn't trust the safety issue of being more dependent of the therapist, or let the therapist know she was needy and unable to care for some parts of herself.  In the past dependency on an abuser was dangerous, and the abusers role often gets played out on the therapist,  The end result would have left the system  self-squelching more basic surface needs for deeper self needs in not trusting that was met in all reality by being very inflexible.

If I as an outsider also had similar feelings where we knew that we had been inflexible, this could lead to personal insights on the dilemma. Just the thought of this situation as being conscious - first by the blogger, and then ourselves gives us opportunity to change and grow.  Perhaps not in a major way, but some step forward from one or more of the parts involved.  Like I could as a part decide that intellectually I could remember another time the therapist had won a nuance of trust.  I could piggy-back one experience to another, and then after trusting the therapist with perhaps one extra session learn an insight that help me get unstuck from a given blockage within my system.  Even comparing myself - perhaps "as" the middle-aged part "compared to" a younger part, I could then become a tutor to the others growth as well by putting ourselves as a system in touch with the therapist (the middle age part being more capable) and then allowing the younger part a chance to hold on to a middle aged part for security though more directly with the therapist by being the one greeting him at the door comfortably during the extra therapist visit thus earning "safety/security points" for the system as a whole  Two birds with one stone - BUT a particularly nice stone :) And, in eliminating another blockage might free up the next part on his or her next step forward - all win in the end.

The mind map allows all kinds of extra thought processing that might not have occurred with more linear thinking like in just one self examining with self reflection over what the problem could have been.  If going back to the map now, we might note that inflexibility, proceeded by entrapment developed as another dysfunctional behavior and within that we can note that dysfunctional is due from the effect of some kind of internal force - most often internal meaning one of the parts within the system we may or may not be in touch with is stuck and in all probability problem of inflexibility has become a well-established reoccurring pattern that needs to be further inspected. Since the deck is spread, we might want to look at other dysfunctional feelings to see if there are any kinds of patterns also being enacted like perhaps an addiction or obsession.  At this time I might then be mentally cued into remembering that I hadn't moved out of my chair for the last 4-5 hours (obsessively stuck to one spot), and then to break that - I could re-ground myself by doing something active like bringing an empty water bottle to the garbage and getting a new cold bottle.  Given this extra "internal assist," I might be in better spirit to ask within what next problem do we next need to address in uncorking inflexibility.

For example another dysfunctional behavior alongside inflexibility is being triggered.  I can then ask ... am I having trouble with being triggered.  I note that the attitude of a peer had triggered another multiple to have problematic feelings.  I know there are negative feelings on the mind map ... so I head back to check out some of the ideas to see if any are affecting me now.  What is it that I'm not seeing or identifying.  I press the line that states, "Wouldn't recognize triggers as something about self not healed yet."  As a nice coincidence - this affirms our thinking that one or more internal parts needed some tweaking, but understand healing is a patient process.  At that point I recognize that another blogger "Just Be Me" identified several questions that co-aligned with triggers such as questions about if he or she were really important, or tiring to others, or if he/she made sense to others. The question of "am I important" lead to the idea of being sarcastic or doubtful.  Now in cross examining any part that might be still holding back through inflexibility or entrapment, I wonder if there is a "near example" (part) that is connected to being mean to self because of insecurity over one issue or another.

At this point, I am lead to an idea about self-worth being tied to doubtful/sarcasm. I come to two new ideas that are very similar ... first the question, "is my personal worth worth sharing," and then, "is my 'voice" worth sharing."  For example does my needs justify the trouble I may cause my therapist (busy schedule) or will it make a difference I say hello (child part) to the therapist when I enter the door.  What are the repercussions?  Are there any trust points gained?  As the mind map tends to open thought pathways I realize that on the sibling path to sarcasm and doubt - it had been suggested by this last multiple a connection between his doubts and sarcasm being tied to his or her abuser who might be mis-delegating depleting feelings such as his or her own boredom externalized on our more vulnerable self-system and that it was thought that this ideology was an example of an indoctrinated belief that was projected on us by a dysfunctional destructive force emanating from the abuser.  The "force" put out from the others as a barb seems to then play out as seemingly intended to dominate or crush the soul of the abused.  Now that we are conscious of it being another damnable trick we have more control over the other's misplaced power through being in the present which is the only time period that change can occur.

Equally of force, we can stand up and say I am not going to be negatively forceful on myself (self-condemnation) or parts as the abuser was.  I will own my life and reject this kind of nonsense.  I take a moment to look around the perimeter of our parts.  I am important and interesting even though the abuser was a dullard.  I am still here.  Affirmations positively then confirm our spirit for never having given up. Indeed I sit here now that much more "unstuck" and willing to go forward while thinking my writing is strong, and that the abuser has long since met his grave.  POWER to the people - big and little!

Back again ... we took a bit of a break to go over our thoughts.  I think they hold water :)

Ahh - more ice water (slushies)!  It's about 4:30 pm now and I will want to get back to the NEWS project, but there are a few more things.  Espcially?  I want to convey this is not all a done deal.  This is still "way-infancy," in seeing this model for the first time through a blog entry.  There is a real charm and beauty to the Mind map in process, because you are pushing seriously to make connections between ideas such as what ideas are parents or children of any  main idea, or which ideas are similar as sibling ideas.  There is a sense all along as to this could be very real, or this is just a made up sonnet we're singing within our biosphere.  Don't know ... it's really too early to tell.  The fact DOES remain that it feels very exciting and I feel like a fish pulling herself softly through the water sometimes with more energy and sometimes less.   All though for the moment is good!

Next thing we're going to have to do is develop a rhythm so the process moves more quickly and surely ahead.  Some of my older connections between ideas need revamping, but that will be done as we go and realize the need for updates and changes.  If nothing else multiples adapt!  In some kind of funny silly way ... it seems as a multiple we are learning through the help of others to externalize our processes - tap our insiders for an outside dance.

When we stopped for the bathroom a couple minutes ago, we came upon the thought from something Linda had said previously about not being aware different kinds of thinking/processing.  It is true I believe that multiples don't get to the same answer always in the same manner as a singleton.  Not saying one or the other is good, bad, better, or worse.  Just saying it is different. One of the greatest things about doing an experiment like this is we get to learn through multiples about being multiple, WHILE being multiple.  Not everyone can say that or give back to others this kind of gift.  That I'm doing something that feels so uniquely different and alive ... I just consider ourselves very fortunate.  There is great comfort knowing key thought patterns I/we have are shared by others and even so this is true ... I've never seen or read about a situation where multiples were learning through each other to better communicate in a deep rich language understandable especially to themselves. If others can relate - all the better.  Wholeheartedly, We as a people have value and worth yet to be discovered and explored. We're not happy about how we got here, but thrilled that we can appreciate and be proud of ourself(ves) through contributions such as this.  Hoping for the best!


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