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Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 140 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity Disorder in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our Twitter account (@aynetal3) lists approximately 240 Multiples). Keep looking for support - it's OUT there!
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Friday, September 13, 2013
Dr. Moline ... we see you now too!
Thursday, September 12, 2013 @ 2:45 pm
10:12 Multiple Works - This is a cur ...
We will discuss this in a bit, but this next section is written in a book by Ronald A Moline, Oak Park IL (Former psychiatrist working at University of IL - Chicago (UIC). He was one of Dr. Marvin's colleagues. I knew the book was coming out last year, but I'd forgotten about it ... was doing a search today and my name came up as someone having been quoted - from my book. This is Dr. Moline's section on us ... hehhe feeling famous although he doesn't seem to like us as parts - rather sympathetic to Annmarie though ... nice of him, but ... shoot pinch me - we're real too! Think he doesn't like the way Dr. Marvin does therapy either ... think it starts that Dr. Marvin smiles or could be proud of his patient. BLAH on that ... but, deeper thoughts ... they'll have to sort themselves out as we write. This is going to be a long one today. Hmm, I thought I'd do that later, but figure we better get to it now.
Here we are presented by Dr. Moline (and no, we have never met him - we are "the Ann" ):
Ann is a Caucasian woman, now in her early fifties, divorced, the mother of three children and college-educated, who self-published a book titled Ann's Multiple World of Personality (Garvey, 2010). She was apparently sexually abused by her grandfather, from infancy up to adolescence; mother, seemingly oblivious , was also at times physically abusive. The patient was a depressed, overweight, lonely adolescent, who fixed upon a plan to kill herself on her eighteenth birthday. As the day approached, however, other "parts" increasingly pushed forward, taking over her life. Some of these altered selves proved remarkably adaptive.
Ann's place in a chapter on "outliers" will be considered below, but it may be noted first that there is much in this case that is prototypic. Ann (or Corey," the altered sense of self who does most of the writing) reports, in her book, that there are twenty selves, each with names, and running the full gamut of ages. Once listed early in the book, the reader does not hear about most of these alternative presentations thereafter. The book is predominantly a journal about the day-to-day life of the patient, and much of it is focused on work-related issues and relationships. There is very little about the childhood abuse that predominantly plays an etiological role in the patient's condition.
For those unfamiliar with the dissociative identity disorder literature, it may be surprising to learn that autobiographical accounts of the disorder are not uncommon. Indeed, Ann reports finding forty-seven such accounts, from articles to full-length books. Of these, I have only read A Fractured Mind (2005), by Robert Oxnam, a self-declared "multiple," and former president of the Asia Society. An earlier book, Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out (Cohen et al. 1991), provides autobiographical vignettes from 146 individuals.
In her book, the patient early on makes quite clear that "we don't believe in integration." Her therapeutic goal, she states, is communication, between parts, and smoother, more functional transitions and accomplishments of tasks. It is fascinating, however, to read, in bits and pieces, how the patient struggles with these issues, and with how to use therapy. At one point, she joins an online support group of DID patients, referring to themselves as the "multiple community," and is eager to understand how other such individuals view themselves and their problems. She states/asks: "We are working on our own belief that we have a core and she holds our one soul, we realize every system is coming from a different place with this, and sometimes (to us), this seems a little threatening because the parts have handled so much of life, and we don't want to give it up (hate the thought of integration), but are there those of you who've been able to adapt to having a core with some good potential to the system?
That is: the patient is raising the question if whether there is a "role" for the core personality in the multiple system! I now face a dilemma: I would wish to be able to define such a patient - patient whose life is so prevailingly characterized by alternative presentations of self that she/they are virtually putting, belief in the core personality, up for a vote - as an outlier, but in fact I do not have grounds to do so. The problem I face is that Ann's perspective may well not be uncommon in patients with this syndrome, as revealed in the online world of the "multiple community," and thus not deserving of outlier status at all, however much I may find its implications troubling. Behind the bravado of the alternative presentations of self, in their writings, and their communications with one another (intra- and interpersonally), there lies a reality: not infrequently, it seems, the core personality has all but disappeared in the plethora of task-oriented, anxiety-deflecting, elaborated defenses. You will recall that Sandy herself once told me that the self that I saw did not exist outside of my office, only the presentations whose wardrobes filled her closet-which, rightly or wrongly, I took to be hyperbole.
Remarkably, Dr. Marvin has stated in regard to Ann that only in the past few months has the core person, Annemarie-also known to the alternative presentations as Dear Heart - actually identified herself in his office. In retrospect, he states, he realized that she had previously made appearances, from time to time judging by mannerisms, cognitive characteristics, and so forth, but overwhelmingly his entire many years of therapy with the patient, had, been to that point with alternative presentations of self! Annemarie has very few skills, either interpersonal or practical. Her growth and development were essentially arrested in her late teenage years when alternative presentations took over the functions, and she is foggy about many life events that have occurred since that era. She is depressed, passive, and prefers most to watch TV, and lacks knowledge about the world around her.
In discussing the case with Dr. Marvin, I asked, in the role of devil's advocate, why, in fact, he would call Annemarie "core?" What's the evidence? Why, when she is so debilitated and lacking in even basic tools for living, give her such a privileged position? I found his answer remarkably astute: she is the only "person," among the many presentations, who hears voices. They in fact nearly overwhelm her. All the other presentations are a voice, or its acted-out manifestations. One could of course augment his answer with the observation that the personality system itself has declared Annemarie "the one true soul" (or is at least thinking about it!), but it seems a profound insight that the I in, "I hear voices," is the core patient.
However, I am troubled by a particular approach to the treatment of dissociative identity disorder that this case would seem to exemplify. It is captured in the following quote:
Last night we met with Dr. M. When we were getting up to leave, we couldn't help but notice his always cheerful face was shining even brighter than normal. Confused, we asked if he was laughing at us, but he said, "No." Then, he volunteered some very kind words about his pride [in all] of us! Although, we hadn't sought this praise, nonetheless it was not only satisfying, but as well encouraging as the older people's applause! It's a job worthy of being done, and we can do it! (Ibid., p. 49).
My reaction is similar to that to which I alluded in the previous chapter, in quoting Dr. Richard Baer's fondness for "little Claire." The alternative presentations of self would wish to be seen as separate personalities, fully capable of engaging in interpersonal relationships, like anyone else. It is clear that many therapists, or some therapists in some cases, fall into such an understanding of the nature of their therapeutic relationship. It is not my understanding, and further, raises for me the question of whether such an alternative understanding does not help fix into place a way for the patient to be in the world that is fundamentally inauthentic.
It strikes me as quite possible that, behind many of the memoirs describing relatively adaptive lives of multiplicity, behind the "We're multiple and we're proud," blogs and declarations, lies just this particular kind of therapeutic relationship. Dissociation is fundamentally not conducive to living a regulated, productive life, fully engaged in human relationships; to live a life that gives such an appearance may require a therapist who provides the "glue" that holds the dissociative lives together, smooths the rough edges of transition and helps the patient avoid the abyss of traumatic memories.  I will readily admit that this may all a given patient will allow the therapist to do. I think this may well be true in the case of Ann, as Dr. Marvin seemed fully devoted in his therapy as with Sam to working through the patient's childhood traumatic experiences. And, there can be no question that it is fruitless for a therapist to attempt to define for a patient what her goals for therapy should be. I worry, however, that such therapy is doing a disservice to the weakened, beleaguered self who is "hearing voices," and who once was whole before experiencing cataclysmic events.
 Against this idea is the fact that, in the online blogs of the multiple community, it is not uncommon to find intense anger at the therapeutic community for being excessively focused on "integration," the implication of such entries being that those people are not in any therapy at all. However, it is perhaps the "multiple community" itself that provides the supportive function I am postulating may be necessary to function in a quasi-adaptive manner as a "multiple" (Moline, 2013).
Moline, R. A. (2013). The diagnosis and treatment of dissociative identity disorder: A case study and a contemporary perspective. Lanham, Maryland: Jason Aronson. pp. 84-86.
Back again ... just me Ann ... At your service ;)
We'll let you digest this above section a little more because we are finding it difficult to go straight toward our thoughts of it. If I gave it a general frame, I would say I'm SOOO much happier having gotten Dr. Marvin for my therapist than Dr. Moline. But, we wanted to note that both doctors were in the same psychiatry department at University of Illinois - Chicago. I believe Dr. Moline is now retired and living in Oak Park, IL.
Dr. Marvin has been practicing since 1999 and I'm one of his first patients - now 14 years later :) Thinking that isn't something Dr. Moline approves of. I think the next biggest thing he doesn't approve of is that our Annemarie is a lesser player in our life (directly) and the parts have so much of an out loud voice. Dr. Moline likes to say stuff like we are "manifestations," and that we live in quote, unquote "Multiple Communities." He also didn't like it that I could appreciate Dr. Marvin's pride and smiles. Ok, thinking we're being defensive here so we'll let this all slide for a bit. But, that's our initial evaluation. Basically, he thinks doctors and communities like Dr. Marvin and the other multiples are enabling us to ruin the core to our system's life. We are considered living in a "Quasi- adaptive manner." I will have to read more to understand why he even quote, unquotes the term "multiple." My feeling is that its not complimentary. *sigh*
Ok, there is this other part beside trying to handle the way in which he dismisses us as an anomaly (but then later - with less importance) - still trying to figure out if we're an outlier or not. Basically, he states that if there are more like me in the community of multiples, then we are less unique and "remarkable." *sigh* BUT, it was kind of an interesting day - exploring what was out there. I hadn't known that someone had written about me - PUBLISHED. That was kind of cool, even if he wasn't being complimentary. It has to count for some points. Glad though to think he's retired. I'm pretty sure he'd be like maxing out his patients clinical treatment in two years MAX. He basically states that we need Dr. Marvin to hold together our illusions since we are not being healed. BLAH.
Ok, we WERE going to move on with that. I think another reaction was that it would make the work we need to do in the online field that much more important. Voices like Dr. Moline are contrary. At least he seems to acknowledge by treating his main patient that multiplicity does exist which is a step forward, but I'm going to guess his treatment modalities are stale. Not to talk to the WHOLE of the patient has to be really backward. Nope nope, won't talk to your figments! Just don't see how healthy that is going to be going.
In other life ... have to figure out where we last left off. Not surprisingly we're still having trouble with domestics. If I were to say ANYTHING about our host Annemarie - feel very sure that she has something to be doing with this. I don't think she really likes to move ... but then that's like me too. I really like to be writing and I'm most comfortable on my recliner with Chromebook at hand. We spotted her out last night with Rich. I think she is taking a place toward the back of the couch. She doesn't like the abruptness of being across from the TV or Rich's chair. She feels reticent to us. That is a longstanding quirk about her .. nothing new there.
She was challenged as Dr. Marvin talked to us about ice cream with KC last night. She was trying to diplomatically say ... fine whatever you say, but I'm not going to think about it or talk to you! The situation has presented over the last couple of days that we might be having trouble with our stomach and lactose intolerance. We didn't figure out that word until after Dr. Marvin said something ... he asked us if we knew what that meant ... and Casey said, yes that's what Leonard has in the Big Bang Show. That's probably our only knowledge of that ... we contradicted the message saying we've always been able to do dairy products, but Dr. Marvin said sometimes it occurs as we get older. We we weren't willing to do say anything about that. The parts out talked about not wanting to tell Rich because then he would stop us from eating ice cream - saying each time ... you know dear it is too much for you!
Hmm, wandered a bit ... was checking emails and found some interesting contacts from Twitter and Pinterest ... yay ... that's pretty cool. Seems like we have been getting 8-10 contacts a day between the two sources ... I'm more active on both now ... hmm, just remembered too we had a new contact on FB. She was someone that I used to work with. We'll see how that goes. First thought was her getting mad at me once so she called us a snake. Not sure what her interest is now ... She has a four year old with downs who looks really beautiful. Thinking Brandy became a very good mother. Sometimes she got excitable, but maybe now calmer ... we'll see where that goes. Most FB people are passer-byes. Just the way it seems to go ... people busy in their life .. just grateful sometimes when they give a nod to your direction or let you see theirs.
Hmm, so that's the most excitement of the day ... I forgot to check toward when we wrote last. What were we up to? Hmm, it looks like Monday, and now today is Thursday. Can't be too sure what happened all those days. I think we were discovering the slide process and that's the biggest deal, we reviewed our social media platforms and tried to keep up. The overriding project seems to be getting Google Search material for the week toward slide production. It is a big deal for us. Not sure if it's concise yet, but what we are doing is:
Slideshow process from Google Search in email to Facebook - through SpeakerDeck and then present
1. Check email for Google links to DID/MPD news
2. Read article and highlight with Diigo
3. Take or find Picture of news from initial online pictures
4. Transform picture /writing through Bitly
5. Save found pictures in personal computer file
6. Post Pinterest picture from personal file, short annotation from Diigo, and Bitly link
7. Post Pinterest link and Title to Scoopit.
8.Get picture from Personal file, big annotation from Diigo, AND Bitly links to Learnist
9. Write a content comment link to Learnist
10. Cut and paste Learnist material to TheBrain mind map
11. Cut and paste mind map material to Google Docs, and save as PDF
12. Load PDF file to SpeakerDeck
13. Load slideshow to Ann's Multiple Blog
14. Send to Twitter which automatically feeds Facebook
WooHOO!!! Feel pretty good with that task now. We sent a copy to Dr. Marvin and to FB. Like to leave progress notes when they are made - just as we copied these notes from our workout with them on the mind map. It goes under the categories of Ann's Work --> Professionalism --> And, Areas of focus/responsibility. There is a side note that the above also goes through Projects --> And, 3-5 year vision. NICE! HMM?
We're working on it ... sometimes the mind needs a break from it like most of today, but the bottom line is that we have to keep going back to that which we are dedicating as our work. That makes sense right? All the time we're fighting time and other responsibilities. Rich is home and almost has dinner made, but conceivably we've never left the chair/computer today - no housework ... Rich has been watching it, but tomorrow Austin is coming for two days so I'm going to need straightening out my act, Hmm? I know the bottom line there is that it will take 4-6 hours and Mike isn't bringing Austin until about 7 pm Friday night. Thinking we have time, but just to make sure we're covered, we should set a schedule. I'm thinking we should be done by 5 pm, and having a nice dinner with Rich - oh yeah think he's going out tomorrow night. He's meeting his old crew for a football game and dinner after that. So that means absolutely no later than 11 am. Hmm, that's workable!
Better go quick dinner! Should be back though much more to cover.
Oh my gosh ... it's already 7:30 pm? Where did the night go? I guess we watched almost an hour of TV with Rich. He tunes out the commercials, and then we talked for a bit and made plans with the night and tomorrow. Tomorrow the roofer gets here too ... Rich said he got $7000 to do the roof for the guy across the street - the one who does our lawn sometimes. He did it a couple of days ago which was nice, but he blew grass in the gutters (street) and then the owner of the mobile part (land) told Rich to blow them out and to take his boat off the street because it had been there several days. I don't know I still haven't talked to them, but again why would I. They seem grouchy. I'm pretty sure people know that we aren't the caretakers of the lawn the way the last couple was. Can't help that ... just gotta do the best we can.
We brought the fan into the sitting room tonight from the sewing room because I'd felt warm. Rich says that the temp is going down outside, so he wanted to give the air conditioner a break and open doors. It really took a while to help him find something to do. He seemed a little bored with even his TV, so he finally fixed on the idea of reading. NICE!
More time passes by.
Talked to Linda!
More time passes by.
Hmmm still wandery and now the kitties want to be fed ... think we'll head toward bed and seeing what the better half is doing :) Night nite!
Friday, September 13, 2013 @ 6:03 am
We're UP!! Yay! We got up and made the coffee about a half hour ago. Today for the first time we had to put on our winter pajamas. OMG its actual 52 out there, the high today is 67 and tonight the low is going to be 43. How did THAT happen ... I guess we're honest to goodness into fall! I LOVE IT! First thoughts about this time every year is being up in Winona, MN in the fall. I think we're going to run into problems with snow and needing to snow shovel, but for the time being we're in this perfect nirvana with less grass mowing, no snow, not too hot AND not having to rake leaves :) PERFECT! It's my favorite time of year! For the sake by record though it is not going well for everyone. We saw the pictures of really bad flooding in the Boulder, Colorado area ... and there was one more really big thing going on ... in New Jersey ... the boardwalk they'd just put up since the damage of Sandy and its flooding problems ... well the board walk caught fire and the fire burnt up to 50 businesses. They didn't know if it were accidental or not. Feel bad for both those groups ...
Oh one more thing ... I left a marker for my mother's weather too and it says in Deer River, MN it is right now 44 there, it will get up to 71, and then tonight it will be 49. So although it is warmer at this moment in the Chicago area, this afternoon and into the evening hours it will actually be colder in Chicago than in MN ... weird. I might want to give her a call today and see how she is doing. We'll see.
Missy is the one insisting this morning on sharing my chair and blanket. She's purring up a storm though. Thinking Chief may have stayed in bed? It's unlike him, but maybe he's chilly too. Rich is still sleeping in the chair next to mine. I really love to hear the sound of his breathing ... ok, a little ruffled, but just knowing its our sweetie ... it makes you feel like hearts are being warmed. I had pulled the curtain shut last night because I'd plugged in the lamp last night, but I can see toward the sun room window that there is indeed light out there. Maybe it's what is keeping Rich in slumber-mode. Coffee is on and smelling good so he really must be out. Missy is just lying on my right elbow. I think that won't last long because its tiring my arm :(
There just gave her a pretty good pet ... not too long though. We were remembering back probably 8-9 years ago now ... our friend V had been personally insulted when he said ... it's like you are treating the cats as second-rate citizens. Probably still are. *sigh* But, you know if it were between my life and theirs ... as much as I love them, I would be saved first if only one could be. It be different for Rich or the kids ... in those cases I would let them be saved first. So, maybe V was right. He's passed now, but have to say that it had been an important relationship to me. Now we are in periodic FB relationship to his "girl" Sandy. We share the same birthdays. Sandy also has cats, but she has a horse too! PLUS, she had a really nice garden this year. Still reminds me of Vince *sigh*
Ok, enough of that ... grrr. Shouldn't be having sad thoughts first thing in the morning. Where are we up to? It's been an hour already and the coffee pot is still making itself. It is sort of on the same list as the microwave ... just growling to get by. Both need to be replaced soon, but Rich is holding off. Hopefully, we'll make headway with the roof today. The other part of the problem is in paying Rich's taxes. He might get a small refund on the state taxes which he will put already into next years taxes, but he owes still $2100 on the old taxes. He says that $1000 will come out of our $2000 in savings, I will give him $500, and he will take $600 from his/business account. At first I let it go, but then we asked yesterday why he was taking money out of our account. He just said because he needs it. We said, oh, but we're still thinking about it ... I guess we would have liked to hear - Dear would you mind if we took/borrowed $500 from your personal checking account. Then I might have generously given it to him, but this is a first where he's ever just taken money. I don't want to make it a big deal - because I'd trust Rich with my life ... hmm, think we said something close to that a second ago? BUT, I am not above saying that sometime I have some trite-ness about me :( I guess I feel if I have to ask him to use my money ... he should have to ask too? Ok, girls ... let let this go. Maybe it will make it a high enough priority to talk to Dr. Marvin?
Hmm, I better wake Rich up in twenty minutes if he's still sleeping. Yesterday he slept after 7 am when we woke him up and he asked why we didn't wake him earlier, but it's our tendency not to wake up sleeping people. Thinking of last couple times of having grandchildren over ... It was about the same then too. I think from the sound of his breathing though he's in a little bit lighter sleep mode ... I'm afraid if I got up to refill my coffee, I would wake him. PLUS, if he wakes I'll have to go back in to get his cup too. So now what wisdom prevails? My cup is about empty ... will I wait til I get his cup too, or will I rush ahead and then have to resettle ourselves twice. Yup yup... I know ... absolutely amazing how many fruity conversations I can have in one day hehehe. Ok, bottom line is that I WANT some more hot coffee. BRB.
Man-o-man. It's been an hour of making itself and there is only a half pot (before the second cup). I'd say that it was definitely on its last legs ... like we'll need to buy something this weekend. Can't be coming up to fall weather without some good hot cups of coffee ahead!
Ok, Ok ... I know we're still into lightweight thinking. Lets just check email and FB and then if everything is still calm - we'll get into some actual "warmed-up" thinking ;)
Hmm, that's news ... we moved into the 800's and the 300's ... basically 826 people we're following 313 people who follow us ... and only 306 tweets. Hehehe the people following now are bigger than the amount of tweets I put out there. I know these are tiny numbers but adding slowly one on top of one ... It's doing pretty good :) I'm happy!
Ahh first time we saw the new I-Phone 5c out today - got an email advertising that we could preorder ... like no that's not happening. They seem to be in pale fruit colors ... no black, silver? Eh, think of them as kid phones. BUT, we've been long since convinced that Android phones are better!
Hmm, just got back. it's now 7:30 am. Why does time disappear that fast for me. I know I know does for everyone ... just I'm conscious of it! Well not too conscious ... like I don't know when it was that Chief came up on my lap ... just know he's now in the center of our arms leaving only my hands/fingers "free" to type. Rich woke up ten minutes after we went for coffee AND got himself coffee because he had to use the washroom, AND the curtains are now open letting in a full stream of light. Oh, AND, Rich is working. He has to do the part of his job where he looks at the customer's product and gives him/her an estimate on how long it will take him to package the product ... or his workshops. He's thinking along the lines now that he'll want to open his own shop here in Sandwich. I've got mixed feelings about that, but it's all on Rich as to what he wants to do. I'm thinking though after he opens it he's going to want to say ... he'll never be able to retire. He's 62 now? Is he? lets see ... born in 51 now 13, But, birthday in December. Guess he's 61. Just the same ... physical is hard for him now so it seems less like a good idea. He's going to get a shot to his hip on Monday ... so maybe that will make things better. He's a bit intimidated by the pain he expects. Can't fault him there. No joy ride, but at least it will give him a chance to tell the doctor that the one to his knee doesn't seem to be working. I know it's suppose to be bone on bone ... best thing would be to have surgery, but you know the insurance problems.
Ok, moving on ... shoot could we almost need another cup of coffee? Rich admitted that we'll probably need a new coffee pot. Probably cost $20 ... can he make himself do it? We'll see. Think he has to go shopping at Walmart today, because we're ALMOST out of coffee ... man-o-man the problems around here are jaggedy! Mostly though because Austin is coming and we'll want something special ... Don't know if he can work it into his schedule today and it appears that he's trying to get his mother a couple hours at home, but she's going to have to do it without drinking which means calling the local Art's grocery store and telling them why they shouldn't deliver. I'm not sure though whether he has that right, or if the grocery store will play nice. I think they wouldn't be able to put up with mother's "why the hell not?" question.
Shoot cat is now laying head on my bouncy left hand WHILE swooshing his tail. Think he's just playing with me now. I'm going to lose all finger strength at this rate. Pswhoo ... just had to shoo him away ... thinking he's not been up here enough for his satisfaction though and he's going to avenge himself. walked out, walked back in, used cat scratch box, and then sits down to think of his game plan. Have to get back to you on that. Best scenario is for him to sit on the arm part of the chair. He walked over to sit on the window which is his jumping up side. I can catch him looking up wistfully. How long is free arm space going to last? He starts on the arm, but then he slides over ONTO MY arm and then the weight problem starts all over again. See, you just don't know how difficult it could be to be a recliner writer!
My wrists feel REALLY tired. Whoops he's back! Time for coffee. I refilled both Rich and my coffee and it only made 3/4 cups full. And, Rich's cup was already half full! We told Rich ... he seems to have taken it in, but just now his computer decided to reboot itself. That can't be good.
He got pretty frustrated because he is under deadline to get out a quote. He's gripping his recliner, and we're trying to stay very quiet. He's not very good in NOT sharing frustration. *sigh*
Good it's turning itself on ... why it did that, we don't know ... all three of our computers are having trouble. It is going to reconfigure mode again, because he had tried to put it off for an hour and now it seems to have messed up what he is working on AND the customer just called. He about blew-up ... we were like steady, steady ... and jumped up to get his phone for him. He's doing something on it, but any good partner knows when NOT to talk!
Whoops forgot to take OUR medicine ... we get really frantic when someone's angry around us. Better take that all INCLUDING anxiety medicine now! Maybe too make some more coffee? It'll work, AND bathroom, might as well make this a clean sweep. Shoot how did that kitty get up here? He's now NICELY on the armchair and will get down again when we move. Didn't mean to be THIS much trouble!
Ok, all done ... at least I feel better. He's still considering. It looks likes he's figuring though and he's got his screen back ... that part is good, but not being able to trust you computer - that's like really negative building
... Ok that will prove a point ... just went to backspace left and that key was missing. It's been on and off for a while now, but all you can do is baby it. I don't know if you could if you wanted to get replacement keys and if the thing causing the problem isn't more the part that is holding it on ... from the computer's side. Just with computer's if its not one thing, it seems to be another. The have us in their tenacious grip!
Rich is calmed down some now we talked for 45 seconds about what or what not the coffee pot was doing. He was able to do it nicely, but wouldn't have taken it longer than that ... I suppose it was a little manipulative. In that I knew he had diagnosed correctly part of it ... there was still water in the bottom so then we figured, he was right saying that it stops because of a two hour time gap on - not doing, doing something - with the on/off switch - NOT because in two hours its done its job. So, that made him feel better to have figured it out, and since we're pretty sure he's accepted the fact he has to buy something new he seemed to be doing much better.
There was another problem that arose the last half hour. I said something about almost having turned on the fireplace this morning, and he was like heavy no. We have to do some seasonal maintenance, and I said I know ... we'll have to call someone in and he said no we could do it ... I froze in panic. He said look it up online - which is as good as a pass-off. Then he left the room, so I quickly looked it up and then emailed it to him ... smooth aren't I? But, the BIG problem? I know it is a Rich job because he'll want to make sure its done right, but he's VERY slow at fixing things. He still hasn't taken care of immediate problems he saw the first few days and it's been now like about 6 months of living here ... The first thing he was going to do is fix picture holes in the wall, clean up the garage, hang my quilt ... you know regular stuff. I just can't trust things like that will happen AND I KNOW I'm going to want that fire on before he gets to it. I hate to say this is how nagging starts, but it sees awfully close. Just working on getting through co-habitation problems. He nags us, we think more than we nag him, but that would be up for debate.
At least he's calmly working for the time being ... the cat tried to jump into our lap, and is now grouchily sitting on the arm chair. Missy? She's still on the move. Let's see if she can settle now too. Nope back into the kitchen. I can see through the fireplace that she's getting herself some water. Her normal place at this time of the day is in front of the tall window next to us. Shoot shoot. She's decided to meow from the kitchen. Obviously, it wasn't the water she wanted. Shoot shoot. How did we get so hyper-alert to all these things in our immediate environment? Seems we're a little wound up. Probably from taking our medicine an hour late. Need to watch that. I think Rich knows he frightens us with his anger, but then his point is that he has a right to his feelings and emotions too. That's true. Haven't come up with a counter-argument for that yet.
Maybe we'll NEVER settle down? Ok, girls that's a bit of an exageration. Ahh... Missy is settling down. She's just messed with the cabinets and is now tucking herself in the hiding place. She likes to rest inside one of the kitchen cabinets behind the towels. I've started leaving towels and washcloths tucked over by the microwave so she's not tipping over our piles, but she is at LEAST enough NOT like a second-class citizen to have some rights over the tucky-the-kitty spaces in our house. Like the part of everyone settling in. We have about another ten minutes before the medicine takes notable effect on us ... be patient - we're still developing, right?
This time we sat down with forgetting the blanket over our feet, but we don't want to mess with Chief one more time. We're handling things almost, right? Ok, let's REALLY focus ... what do we WANT to be thinking about. Let's go for point #1.
Hmm, point #1 seems to have been go check-out twitter. We did that and then remembered that we'd played with the program called "Buffer" the other day ... we hadn't figured it out then, but put it on the back burner, and then today, finally, well we were going through FINALLY getting to read our TweetDeck columns again,and we "DID the BUFFER!" I found out you can only save 10 articles at a time without paying another $10, but so far we like it! It's worth some time to get past one of our obstacles about only "selling the blog" to the 312 people who are receiving our tweets. I think many people miss that sort of thing - regular tweets going out, but you don't have to save the world through your tweets, I figure. Just have to keep the general conversation going. The system on Buffer allowed us to set-up some custom times, so we did that ... it works really nice ... you just keep collecting worthy stuff and then the next one up hits the next repeating pre-scheduled time ... so for now we are scheduled from now until 3:02 pm tomorrow ... it's a pretty good range. Basically, it allows us about 24 hours of stuff during times people see stuff from 6:30 am to 7:15 pm. I really like it. Let's see if we can keep it up.
Ok, NOW are we progressing? We're feeling the crunch of time. It is now about 10 am, and we have set the schedule so that 11 am, we leave the computer for a bit to start work on the house. Rich just left and he said he'd be home about 2 pm for the roofer. Good ... 11 am, should still work, and to make things better Rich actually started the wash. I feel bad that he felt he had to do that, but grateful nonetheless.
Ok, business? We have to clear up the time between last post and this one. I guess it was the last slideshow that we put up on Monday ... and now we've stretched again into a two day post ... I figure we should post smaller ones more often, but I am still trying to get the feeling of completing one post (set of thoughts) at a time - which basically means catching time up from the last post to this very minute of writing.
I do know that we missed Dr. Marvin's on our temporary meeting day of Monday ... it was just too much pressure to get out first thing in the week where we'd have to leave the house at 9 am. He did fortunately talk to us for 15 minutes, and our agenda was FULL! We cleared very quickly that whatever was happening over the weekend was fine - hmm, just moved cat ... fine when going over a TweetDeck, but for regular typing too much on the arms. He's considering what we just did. We'll have to wait and see how he handles it. He does look a little put-off. :(
I feel like we're having particularly bad time in getting back to the week business ... something must be dragging from someone within our system ... but ladies, we only have an hour! Gotta deal with the pressure, K? We're here behind you!
Ok, what did we talk to Dr. Marvin about. I think we skimmed through the catch-up time to be telling him about the advances made through the slide program with SpeakerDeck. By the time he called, he'd already gotten our short email and had checked out the slides over on our blog. The most important thing for us to have him get through was about what we wrote on the comment section - the part that says "Ann Ludford Garvey:" That's basically us.
And, then that content followed to the appointment we had with him at 1 pm on Wednesday. There was some other stuff on Wednesday too, but lets try to get this out first. Basically, it is all a part of our master plan. We needed to know from Dr. Marvin if what we proposed to be doing with the 13 steps above made sense to someone other than ourselves. I think we must have startled him (though he always is pretty steady), but that we were doing what we were doing. That meant he must have got it. If he had reservations, he did not disclose them at the time. The one big reservation that we keep hearing about is keeping things in balance. Today if I can work, and still continue to get things done between tasks, then it will be a wonderful day - well of course it will anyway because Austin is coming ... oh - AND Rich said he's going to go to the store :)
Let's do a short one on balance. I don't know why we've been doing balance for ten years. Maybe that is a critically hard thing for a multiple to do, basically, how do you get 19 parts to live one day where everyone has objectives completed from slightly various objectives. We're going to skip over the Moline factor right now that says all of our tasks are avoiding the problem of Annemarie should be out there doing them herself - and less the parts. BUT, that seems to be at the center of our problems. We've worked over and over it in a hundred different ways and we never get past the part of her sluggishness. Now I now its not fair to "steal" time, and then blame her, but the farthest we've gotten so far is that we think she is actually more in control of the body than we had previously thought. Not necessarily directly the brain too, but perhaps indirectly. Basically, what we get is that I am FEELING it's very hard for me to get out of the chair to be doing something more active around the house or even further out. So I think it is more Annemarie is settled that I or others write from this chair and we've already discussed, she seems to get something to where we are writing our thoughts out.
What came out in the last part of this processing on Wednesday is that ... shoot guess we're going into the side stuff first anyway. Well, basically she has a part in slowing things down - like right now I can't think of the thought I had getting toward a point a few seconds ago. I'm kind of thinking of our thoughts like driftwood ... sooner or closer as I get to making a point about what we think of her, she clears the slate - like bark on the waterlogged driftwood and then we kinda float along.
To think further into that, it came up with Dr. Marvin - Sarah's position in playing with the pictures for our slideshows as well as her "nursing" which meant that we were again having to deal with Sarah's taking better care (more time) with our body than we are allowing. We think that if Annemarie doesn't want to move - and I too would rather work with our minds than body , then Sarah has a tougher more regressed time with us. Unfortunately we had to tell Dr. Marvin AND Rich - that something in being around Joe again - hit bottom in that we are 9 pounds over what we considered safe for us. Ok, there I added a number are you happy??? More??? SHOOT. Ok our "Ok figure" has been 278, and we are now at 287. BLAH! I know what that is going to mean, but just can't pull off the time to handle it. I have to exercise more and eat less that's what's going to be said ... Ok, making blood boil ... that one goes back on a back burner. I hate it when the intervals get closer and closer to having to stir the pot. Damn!
Moving on 40 minutes...
Right now the thinking that we have with Annemarie and we KNOW she doesn't like us to think about her, but she's pulling marionette strings with us. Or, maybe like a seasoner. A little of this, a little of that ... One of the things we've talked to Dr. Marvin about in the past is that contrary to our desire to get to know Annemarie better, she simply doesn't want anyone to know her. I think she's satisfied that we're out, though I think because we are out - maybe even indirectly, it tires her out.
Going back to that thought I'd lost before was the back-flipping we did with Dr. Marvin. Basically, it goes back to the beaten down Annemarie in mid-adolescence where she couldn't keep on top of the housework that our vacant mother had assigned us to. Basically, what had happened is that the ten year period between 7-17, Annemarie was expected to do things around the house, because our mother felt she should do housework and cooking even rather than her. To be fair, my mother worked, but to be fair ... we were kids and also put time into our work which was being a student. My mother came home put her feet-up and read her cheap novels. My siblings and us were charged with the housework. Our brother had the living room (TV), my sister had the kitchen 3 times a week, I had the kitchen twice a week, plus the dining room and stairs where the family dumped whatever it was they didn't want to deal with whether it belonged to someone else or us. I've gone through this before - this set of thoughts.
That was about the time that Lissa was developed. At 7 we were expected to keep up, plus start meals in the oven before my mother got home. At first we were doing hand washing of the previous nights dishes, until my father figured that we were getting him sick by not cleaning them well enough - so then he got a dishwasher. BUT, we were still responsible for loading and unloading so the dishes were clean for the next meal. Also, at 7 we were taught how to use the washer and dryer. I know this part clearly, because it tied into being a "good Brownie" (Girl Scout), and because my mother started working out of the home at Target when we started second grade. Another thought we had is that we weren't doing very well with it. Now I could think it through and know that we were dissociating, but at that time, we were considered very lazy and a "fat-ass" which was one of my mother's nicknames for us. Just remembering this now. It was made our problem that there seemed always to be a pile of laundry on the basement floor. There is going to be a zillion reasons why, I suppose, and we know this has to be gone over with Dr. Marvin - and this has tipped into awareness at odd periods in our therapy, but it has never gotten resolved, because there are so many other priorities that come up, or maybe again it is part of Annemarie and not getting past this 16-19 year old personal age in her psychology. So often, when we feel her out directly, even the other night when we realized it was her sitting on the couch corner, she's just overly tired and depressed. She was considering that after the Big Bang she was watching was over, that Rich would want her/us to go to bed W/O TV on, and that she had a hard time lifting herself off the couch both psychologically and physically.
I think somehow we are able to break through the lethargy by setting timers ... like the one at 11 am - to start. For us it will be taking a shower, getting dressed and making the bed. Then going in the kitchen, grabbing a bag, and then doing the cat litter, then garbage, then picking up the kitchen and then continuing the clothes cycle ... right now something has to be folded and the machines reloaded.
There that seemed to help, when we got up, we went to the washroom AND made ourselves a Herbalife Shake. We had to agree (internally) with that too ... Annemarie is involved with our feelings of being hungry along with Casies. Same with washroom needs. Feeling the pinch here on time ... Don't know if we can close this up in 20 minutes. We might have to take a break and do the above things, but then come back to writing. It's been another thought that with this writing Annemarie reads too and seems to understand fleetingly what is happening in her life. I don't think past the first few times of publishing she goes back over it much ... but she does reread the material - not for editing, but trying to understand it in her own pace and concentration ability.
Ok, we're not going much past there - at least of the stuff from the past ... well, maybe could we advance that series of thoughts, at least one step so we are doing more than summarizing what we know? Let me read back. Ok, we were at our parents' house doing laundry, cleaning, and cooking. Maybe the next question including the advancement from Anniemi and Henry of Lissa at that age. Wow ... that's an interesting insight. We tie in Lissa with being sent down to the basement some times waiting for, but almost always getting punished, especially by being paddled without being covered in clothing by either our mother or father. Usually, we remember our father doing it, but now it is very clear to us that our mother had that happening too. So, the two and two make four part right now is the realization that not only were we expected to do something past what should have been expected, and not only were we yelled at for forgetting or losing track of time (think multiple here), but we were also getting punished for it. One of Lissa's major milestones is that she was the one of us to not speak and getting paddled with their hands on our buttocks. It was an intolerable situation for Annemarie and the parts out.
I think for Annemarie there was always than a conflict between being beaten, but not wanting to conform to the parents' rules. We still don't know why she didn't want to do them, though we're wondering now if it weren't difficult for her as a very young multiple yet, to be turning parts around to get to the one's who could do the work. We're thinking Anniemi would have helped in the kitchen and dining room, and Henry would help on the stairs. But, we're also thinking that I'm sorry here girls, but the Casies more than likely wanted to play and they were going through their own frustration, because when they went to school (with Anniemi) then our sister would be home (too young for school) going through our toys, especially the barbie dolls - our prized possession). Wow that's a new/old memory. So we can now know there is a sense of ownership or lack of ownership with the younger girls toys and with the older girls time - in that they had to give up dream space to be doing physical grunt work. No doubt a heavy load of clothes were more heavy to them than not, and there was also the part of finding bugs under the clothes and the dampness of the floor which seemed sweated out by the clothes ON the floor. There was some argumentation too because time-wise they couldn't get everything done right - as to loading and reloading machines and folding clothes ... Like we knew that clothes mid-process would go on the stairs, and everyone was supposed to bring up their own things, but they didn't. And, then the stairs would get trippy and then that would lead to someone especially parents being angry we weren't doing "our" job.
It was one thing to have to go through a laundry cycle, it was another thing to bring up clothes to the second floor - two flights.
ok, no easy answer there ... we're really treading into Dr. Marvin territory, where he can help us go through the emotions dealing with all that. Enough girls :) You did good!
We're four minutes away from our 11 am duties. Now is the point whether we can do them, or if we ... ok, don't get to that part of NOT-doing them. Basically, we've gone over what we want to get done ... another interesting insight ... we've been trying to figure out what's happening to Annemarie, and now we are seeing the part about having to make a flight plan for her. Again stuff with not moving. I'm thinking now about how she might be experiencing moving and too that we're pretty sure it must be dizzying. Not only the part now of not having a body trained to do it, but as well we get lost in our head when we stand up to move. Usually, it is a running process to get up and do whatever and then to be able to get back to the chair to calm ourselves down. Wow ... that's another major piece! Nice Work!
Basically, then its not only the stress of stepping off "safe-base," but then also the work we'd have to do in what's the word, more than calm. I'm thinking here of the issues we've discussed before and others where people having gone through major abuse at an early age have trouble soothing themselves. Hmm, interesting ... as soon as I say this, we're thinking that Annemarie must have had to work through issues in calming self with the really young parts. Taking an inventory now ... It was always the objective with Mimi - to be falling back to a safe sleep - basically, the loss of conscious awareness. I think the Crystal part is the one that runs from "event to event" in changing rooms. We're thinking that when Anna was out it would be more curious - so in a sense what that addition was, that we would get sidetracked or distracted. Gracie ... I think she's the part of Annemarie that causes us to freeze - be concerned with approaching others when we get up - like not being able to do things around the house when Rich is home, or the movement at Dr. Marvin's door.
Ok, this is a whole lot of information. We're feeling a little panicky and we're thinking this is Annemarie's panic. We also think she's letting go of some of these thoughts - or Marie, because Annemarie needs help. I think right now that Marie is like Annemarie's guardian angel - or gatekeeper. Then like now ... I don't think we'd get through things without some element of control and safety, but the part might not grow then either, until they had time out. But, if the time out was just getting them more and more traumatized, then that wasn't really working either, plus, they'd have less time out if other parts - older new parts, came in to deal with crises they could handle.
We think that Henry was the one that enabled us to move outside when playing with kids, but to get to him, he had to be out of view of authority figures. Wow, we almost never have conversation about Henry! This is so cool. I suppose then the deal would be not to get so distracted with these new ideas that we can't do more of our part in cleaning up so we can be ready for Austin. That's really the big prize - along with Rich's patient dreams of getting his domestic Goddess back again.
Ok, we're not done writing, but maybe here is where we take the break - and jump through the next fiery ring - had to look up fiery in spell check ... hmm. ANYWAY ... realizing we're still working with hard thoughts to process. What are we going to write about when we come back so everyone has time to resettle? How about lets try to leave these current thoughts for a while. They will come back naturally soon enough. And, then ... maybe we can get to some other thoughts as to where we were with Dr. Marvin.
I don't think we've gotten past the part where we were telling him about what we were doing with the slideshows production. I know that we've updated the process just at the start of this post. That was a good thing. I think we told of the part where Dr. Marvin seemed to like the posts ... I Don't think we've talked just the little part necessary where we asked him to center on the part with the woman who was a multiple, but found guilty of murder - 3 to 4 articles, and we didn't get to the part of talking about the two doctors who had written something negative about multiplicity, each I believe in their own books, but all of these were things that were being discussed by us this week and we have to adapt or give some thought into having advanced through Kelsie and Lissa, and Kate and Jamie.
Man-o-man there is a lot of information there. And, that doesn't bring us up to date with Monday after 12 pm when we finished talking to Dr. Marvin through Wednesday (the second talk of the week), and then the last day and a half. Oh Lordy, we have a lot of writing thinking to do. Maybe it is good that we get some physical stuff done too because we are going to need the energy we get from that to be doing this next stuff. Right?
Ok, you go shower!
WooHOO! We're back from our first obstacle. We did shower, dress, bed, pick-up house, set up to wash, dry AND fold, kitty litter, garbage, and dishes. Did we leave out anything. Better check back. I guess I like this part where it is a game. Yup, yup ... skimmed up and we got it all done! Better set-up what the next obstacle course is. By the way this is Sarah helping Anniemi and Annemarie :) JUST for those who spend all day trying to figure it out! We rather like the tasks because we really LOVE our house! Anniemi has more trouble with taking the shower and carries Annemarie with her, but if they can get that far - things they have a tough time doing, then I can fly through the next. If I need help Ann helps ... Think it's still Kate who has to look at the paperwork - her and Jamie. We have to put that on the list to do today too.
And, the shake IS appreciated! Thanks! Ok, next? We have to move again when the dryer is done. Then we will fold clothes, AND superfriends?... Get the vacuum out and so what you can. Ideal would be to go to the sitting room, then bedroom, then kitchen, and then sunroom! We've done it before :) Oh, and don't forget ... we have to get the linen from the guest bed and the last of the white load into the washer and then we'll be caught-up with laundry thanks to Rich having it seems done at least two loads. We noticed he had folded-up in a bag some of his mothers clothes. AND, there was his jeans and ONE fishy shirt, so that tells us he washed his fishy clothes from being out. Was that just last weekend? Not sure. I get disorientated. So another round of laundry and vacuuming next and then we'll be set for another break.
I know I know ... popcorn break now before floors get done ... go ahead you earned it!
Ok, ok ... that was nice, but what next? Any more thoughts before we go back to the Dr. Marvin stuff? Not much, but it's not as hard as you think. Especially, if you break it up with folding clothes where you get to sit. The two other stuff that has to get done beside cleaning carpet with scrubber is that the water glasses and shake glasses have to get hand washed, and you already know we gotta go through paperwork, and then just for good measure ... we should look at pulling together the sewing room, AND we have to unfortunately, throw out Laura's plant. Feel bad about that one, but the bottom line was we didn't know how to do it right i guess. It seemed damp yet, but the leaves and flowers fell off and there was nothing but the stem. We'll leave it in the garage and see if it comes up with Laura tonight. It's out of sight if it doesn't, and reachable if she says it is supposed to look bare-naked. *Sigh* let it go. It's obvious we think wonderful thoughts of nice plants and flowers, but don't know how to handle them, because we don't know how to get it in schedule yet. We'll work on it ... K? Promise.
Ok, still feeling a little sad. Just don't want Laura to take it personally. Chances are she's the stronger of us two in understanding that kind of thing, but we still feel bad. We actually killed a living thing! Maybe Dr. Marvin has to help us with that too. He keeps his plants ALWAYS alive!
Ok, have to say we're back for a while. It is now 5:30 pm, and we've got 1 1/2 hours until they get here - IF on time. I know Mike had to get home from work, I think Laura has Fridays off, and then they'd have to eat and then take the 1 1/4 hours to get here. They will be racing. I hope they take it slow and easy. Guessing with the "toss-up" of people all will have a good time.
We've been trying not to overwhelm our system with the housework. Rich came home and freaked a little and then said no ... you have to trust us that everything that should get done will be done. He and the roofer each got here around 2:15 pm. More about that in a second, but we had things cleaned up enough for that and now ... everything including the spare dishes and bathroom are done, but we only have the sitting room carpet done ... the last things we NEED to do will be the kitchen floor and the sunroom. I'm not SAYING that last load has to be cleared through the machines ... it could happen any time tonight. AND, the spotty carpet may have to wait. Our thoughts are that Austin is going to go barefoot and if the carpet is wet he might slip on the hard floors. We'll figure this one out more time, but it will probably be like that, or a close proximity where we'll just use the spot remover and do a square foot or so with the machine. Really trying not to overdo, but still present a "presentable" house! The other thing that didn't get done was the paperwork. Maybe we could do that tomorrow if running into a dry spell. My thoughts are that Austin will DEFINITELY have his computer and there will be down time for the both of us. In the meantime, we're gearing up to listening like anything! I look so forward to seeing him again.
Hmm, figuring now this will be though our last chance to summarize what else happened at Dr. Marvin's ... I think we got far enough ahead of ourselves to give it one more go. We will have to stop sometime. Rich gave us leftover pork from last night and rice. You might remember he went out with his officiating guy friends tonight. He might not be back until 10-11 pm. Good times for him! AND, it gives me and Austin a chance to settle in. Love that kid to pieces!
Ok, Dr. Marvin ... we have to figure out where we left off. I think the last part was about Annemarie and the problems/solutions we were having around the cleaning. I think we made good progress there. AND, I think we talked a bit about that 15 minutes with him. I was super excited that he was reading our material - the comment sections for the slides (Plus Learnist/mind map).
Maybe we could say something here. Basically, it is one of the most exciting new things added to so many others that we've gone through this last two months. We still don't have balance on the time for everything and we're realizing that if we get behind here at the blog then it upsets everything. Just too much information we're trying to hold in our brain without getting it out. Hazardous to health. Sometimes this happens when we jump in to new projects - which is just upgrading where we've come so far. The beauty of the comments is that it tied together for us the missing link of what we were trying to do with the entirety of our social media outlets. Basically, we've been focusing on curating data, but by doing the comments, we got to add our "official" part to the whole. Like besides just pulling together resources, we were saying to ourselves and the "world" this is what we think about the information that is being processed.
We're real comfortable with the Diigo part. Still again, not balanced as to time. Down the line we'll have to set some goals and then stick to them ... basically, we can't catch it all. SO, what we can do ... has to be appreciated for getting not maybe the whole of things, but a glimpse. We've been working harder toward thinking we could at least keep up with the Google searches, but we are at this point - after spending most the day cleaning or blogging. At this point, we are 21 news articles behind of information that has been annotated this week, and we have four sets of Google searches that haven't been opened yet, and this is without doing anything with the other section of the mind map where we work with Dell's work on dissociation and adding to the mind map the information we're learning to tie together from the multiples blogs. That one is further down the line right now, until we get more able to catch the daily news, because as to the immediacy of our work, we see that as most important to catch-up to date.
There are questions asked this week AND with Dr. Marvin as to the legitimacy of what we're doing with the comments. I read a horoscope entry last week that said that "Crabs - Cancer" can get a little preachy. I'm trying to avoid that like the dickens. But, in analyzing and then synthesizing my "newest" thoughts after reading the Google search material, I do seem to form an opinion. I try to leave in my entries a lot of open doors, because we are saying this is how we see it through our experience of multiplicity. We want to appreciate that there are as many ways of seeing the "multiple world" as there are multiples. Just like you can't make generalizations of "us as a group of people," we would hope that that would be as acceptable as the "normal" human beings in understanding themselves. We have run into some mental defensive conflicts over the last 36 hours, in that we'd just read the material from Dr. Moline we started this LONG entry with. Basically, it is flooring me that he jests in the thought that there could be a "multiple community" and that we are doing each other a disservice because within our "illness" of parts, we are further perpetuating the drama of our "quasi-existence."
That strikes me as so bizarre in so many ways. Where we've always had Dr. Woollcott and Dr. Marvin encouraging us to understand ourselves better, and in fact that as mentioned earlier has been a lifelong goal, this guy is saying that the only one of us he would have a goal in talking to would be the core person or in this case Annemarie. We've done a lot of thinking since then trying to run his thoughts fairly through our mind. We have to admit that we've been more focused as to what is going on now for Annemarie, but to disqualify the rest of us as manifestations is just openly very cruel. I think he's using the term to say that we as manifestations (thinking Casper the ghost) as something to represent us that is not real; sort of an expression of us like a show or display. It's to him, it seems an abstraction/distraction of our mental illness. I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about the "disorder" part of dissociation, we don't have time today, but it's on the bucket list.
It seems all along in our system, we're not trying to "get rid of Annemarie" at all. The comment he quoted us on, was the one day we talked about our questions and concerns in a social network of multiples at least in that book. We had never gotten a response from the group and never went back - it was another group of some platform that was blogging, but it was more conversational,something like blogging, I don't remember what service it was now. But, the fact of the matter was that even then we knew there was a community of multiples. AND, that was a thing that happened to us ten years ago. Idealistically, though, It was a perfect thing for him to grab, as was what he construed as a negative idea of Dr. Marvin's LONG therapy with us. I was very proud and still am to have written what he quoted. Like many of the things that we find in the Google searches, we couldn't disagree more. But, it will be up to us to make those points as we go along one comment after another in whichever direction our advocacy work takes us.
This brings us back to the embodiment of what we're considering our work. We like that we are putting a stake in the ground in saying this is us. ANN, and yes proud to be us/multiple (to Dr. Moline's displeasure) and representing us is the words we're leaving for you to consider in what we really hope to be our life purpose - we're leaving a footprint, or a conversation. It's like the group of people, if any were to be interested, could argue points against us (our thoughts - not our person) like Dr. Moline did and then we could continue from there in trying to understand his point or our point more carefully as the next comments get written with the new knowledge of having a disagreement in thought or theory. But, I think it is again very important to note. We are coming from a long history of being a multiple, we are grounded in not only 28 years of being in therapy, but also even some time where we were studying it in earning our BA or starting to Master's programs.
I know that we didn't have the wherewithal to complete the master's programs, but I feel safe in our thoughts built-up over the years how to make us a legitimate person in our own right. We do belong on this Earth contrary - to most thoughts of the people who were supposed to have raised us. And we're very proud of what we are able to do and think about 50 some years down the line. I understand toward the rest of the world that we're still an "outlier," but it doesn't disqualify our experience in being or becoming the people that we are (with or without being an outlier in Dr. Moline's thoughts),
I think too that Dr. Marvin was exactly the right person we needed to meet in our life just from his openness to be different and forthright in many ways. On Wednesday, he compared what we are doing - perhaps after thinking about it a few days with what people like Leo Laporte are doing. He is a broadcaster talking about technology and that we talked about probably years ago (listening to Laporte), but somehow Dr. Marvin remembered that we'd respected him greatly for his embodiment of knowledge in his field, and at the time we presented it, we found that Dr. Marvin had listened and respected him as well. So it was quite complimentary when he said a couple of days ago that we are doing what those like Leo Laporte are doing. Basically, we are staking ground within the Internet world as some kind of maybe not expert, but like a person next door who is willing to learn and discuss issues of the day. Leo is really smart as to remembering the evolution of his technology world, and similarly we have markers of where or how we've progressed our thoughts, especially toward multiplicity over the years. It's just now that we're coming to a new way to voice our life.
There we are ALL caught up in everything that is going to be done before they get here, and we have a half hour to spare. We finished picking up little things, vacuumed the last two rooms, and cleaned PARTS of the kitchen floor. We got under the sinks where most the dust and STUFF falls. AND, then we went around and turned on various lights so that if Mike would like to look around, he will be able to see things. I don't know if he's interested in seeing it, but I am proud of our space, and want them all to be comfortable with what we are offering Austin in having him stay with us. I think the next thing we have to do is just rest ... after they get here things are going to be going pretty fast. I don't know how long it will take Austin going from his quieter mode with parents, to the more talkative one we enjoy so much, but AGAIN ... LOOKING FORWARD to what the next several days brings WHILE hoping that we still get computer time too. Think though both Austin and us need that hehehe.
Ok, where were we before. Hmm, think we able to add the part about Dr. Marvin's comment on Leo and being like him. He couldn't have picked a more powerful figure for us to identify with and enjoyment because he is so current. I would so hope that we could give so much back to the community. There are really solid questions to why Dr. Moline would be so intimidated by the usage of the word "multiple" and the term "multiple community." As if saying together we formed a leper colony. I'm for the present more conscious of me using the terms that are like bread and butter for us, because I now know that in circles that Dr. Moline hangs in, then, there are others who think like him, or will think like him if they are influenced by his thought patterns.
I'm not sure I am ready for what is to come over the next years by standing up with my own thoughts that are different from some of the mainstay psychiatry. There seems to be several new books coming out now in defense of certain peoples frustration with leaving DID in the DSM-V book. I don't know exactly what it says. I think we looked for the book, but it is not in Kindle, so we chose against ordering it. I like to have my books accessible to the Internet. I don't know how many professionals out there are taking to the part of calling us manifestations as if we were evil spirits. BLAH.
Maybe we can move on from that ... I do have to say that we do have defenses that have gone up since reading his little segment, from Moline. Eventually, we'll read the book, but we've got other priorities at the moment that you are well aware of. It is something to be put on a "public stage" like Dr. Moline did. Back in the days that Dr. Woollcott wrote about us, he was so careful to not include my name or other identifying features like being born in MN or who had been sexually offensive. Dr. Moline knows we are a current patient with Dr. Marvin, but he didn't seem to think twice in publishing it. Probably, because we had taken a stance of having read the book, and from that he could freely quote. The funny part - and we'll ask this of Dr. Marvin too was that there were conversations between him and Dr. Moline - I think he said before they were considered colleagues. I feel a little funny about that. I guess I like it that we were important in their talks to have come up, and I think that Dr. Marvin has had our permission all along to talk about us with his Dr. students. I forgot what they are called. Think it starts with a r. Maybe it will come to me.
But, the fact of the matter is that someone thought they could learn from me - on both sides good and bad, and that is something that we actually hoped would happen and we have to keep believing that it is a good thing. Again, if you have made a few waves, someone is likely to be caught in the splash. Just didn't know how or when it might happen. The next part is REALLY up to us. I think we have a real chance at presenting ourselves to an out loud world. I have to work on our fears of what could happen with both the good and the bad. Again, one of our most difficult things to do is keep from being overwhelmed. We're as you can see today, still being overwhelmed with simple tasks like housekeeping and this was a good day. I think we marked a space in our mind map as to the day we stopped being able to keep up with the house. It was not this Wednesday, but the Wednesday before when Rich was getting ready to leave. Something sunk into us at first more like we weren't going to do it, and then, it became we couldn't do it.
I don't want to start that bag of worms being opened again ... Like most often leaving written markers.
I need to look at where we're going next. I don't know if Austin's family will be here on time ... problems in time/space noted elsewhere, but we have to be able to break at any moment over this next hour for them to come in and change our environment ... AGAIN for the good, but sometimes switches are hard ... It's better when we feel prepared, and we ARE on time. Just have to be able to leave the computer behind. All the time over this last what then 9-10 days, we've barely left the computer, and often finding ourselves here not only during the complete day, but also after Rich came home and we would excuse ourselves after dinner to go back into this safe world. Dr. Woollcott again contributed there. He stated at one point, back probably 20 years ago now, but he said that likely the computer will always be our optimal distance between ourselves and people. We haven't tried to live up to that expectation, but we always realized that it was there, and it was profound then as it is now. I feel comfortable talking into the letters appearing before me and it's here we or at least I feel most comfortable. I know though that whoever is out with Austin will also think that time is the best time ever. It just works in our system like that.
As to anything else though this last couple days - in framing an exit and most likely another entrance back into this world (without computer), I don't think we've yet evaluated the actual coming and going of what happened this week and I want to go back and try to get a little of that down ... just to have it as part of our record keeping. I also want to think a little more concretely about the hour spent with Dr. Marvin. We love the part of trying to catch the aura of what happened. Then there is the less to write about as to the last couple of days, because there everything is happening as it is being written. Or, at least between the lines.
I think if you refer back to the 13 steps of going from one point to the other between Google Search and products being captured, that will remain the most important thing that's been happening this week. Moline threw a dent in our contentual thinking, but did not capsize us. YAY!!! We did send a copy to Dr. Marvin for Tuesday to discuss, and we sent a copy to our quilting friends, but not sure what they will make of it if anything. More or less it was an update as to something we want to talk about in a couple of weeks when we see them again. AND, we wanted them to know we were missing updates about them especially because three of them had gone to the quilt show. Seems fair they catch us up right? Hehhe
Hmm, maybe I will have just enough time to get down that little scribble of time we're missing. What do we recall. Hmm, first we couldn't get ourselves together to go in to see Dr. Marvin Monday morning, and then I think we worked on our project the rest of Monday and Tuesday, AND it should be noted that it had started at least on Sunday, because we had something to present to Dr. Marvin. Most likely it started sometime during the long weekend Rich was gone fishing. Ok, then that part is covered. Next? Not sure. I think there was one day in there that Rich got sexed. Shh... don't say that ... *sigh* well?! It happens!
Ok, beside that ... Rich yelled at us one night because he'd gotten fed up with us not keeping up with household. BUT, then we just regressed and went into the guest room to lay down for awhile. We were pretty shell-shocked and cautious about coming out. We didn't think it through, but Rich did then a few things in the kitchen and did a load or two of laundry.
Just a short interruption ... it is now 7:04 pm and Mike Austin's step-father just called to say they were on their way and they'd be here in about an hour - or 8 pm. So we were right on target with that thinking. PSHWOO... SWEET! An hour where everything is READY AND we get time to finish off this last part so we can get it posted hopefully then before they get here. Good timing! I should call them back up to remind them not to speed through Sugar Grove, but hopefully Laura will remember that from the last time.
Ok, back to the week in review. We were saying without having thought it that we were blessed that after Rich got mad, he just settled down and helped us through it for a couple days. We would sit in our chair writing like we are now, and we were not yet able to jump the hurdle in stopping what we were doing to help him help us. Being conscious of it, I'm afraid was the best that we were doing. It did come up with Dr. Marvin, and I think between that and maybe having to make an ice cream switch in our life, it took about a half hour. We knew that when we were "able" then we could do what we had to do and he reminded us that sometimes we enjoyed it and the feelings afterward like now when all the work is caught up. He's most often right - though has made an error or too in the process. It's ok, just we again have to be conscious. Dr. Marvin and us had started the conversation on what was holding us back - or how far we could take it this time into the stumbling points in our past. I think he usually works pretty hard not to startle us unnecessarily.
Before we even got to that point though, the Casie's had come forward with information that something was happening around the ice cream. I think Ice cream is their favorite topic with Dr. Marvin. They knew that the system had been talking that it seemed likely that the ice cream was giving us stomach problems and after one particular time we'd gotten really sick with diarrhea and around that a lot of gas. It's not the "funnest" conversation to have with anyone, but Dr. Marvin is able to do these conversations with us better than anyone alive. It didn't take him too long before he suggested something we had no idea was coming. He said that we might be lactose intolerant. He asked if the girls knew what that meant, and they shook our head saying that Leonard has it on The Big Bang Theory. Dr. Marvin knows the show and knows that it is the only show we are watching now days, and usually have it on during dinner with Rich. It is pretty common for Sheldon to bring up the gas problems that occur when Leonard has dairy.
About that time, TONS of defenses went up. The system did a little going crazy thing in their head thinking that they might never get to eat ice cream again and that it was the favorite thing in their world. Dr. Marvin must have saw it coming, because he was apparently ready to put out fires. BUT, he also did some reality checks, pushing back. Basically, he was preparing them for not having maybe no ice cream, but much less. The girls argued back that they ALWAYS had ice cream, but then he said that sometimes it happens to people as they age. There was no controlling their lack of willingness to be doing anything of an agreement with Dr. Marvin. They made it clear they were NOT going to talk about it, yet Dr. Marvin, persisted in his slow, steady, confident way. The best that came out of it was that they all agreed that more testing was in order and that they didn't have to think of other things until the system was more sure of what was going on. At that point, Dr. Marvin gave us a bye. Oh Lordy, it was tough.
Since then, we as a system have looked up a couple references on the Internet. We know a tiny bit more, but that is/was about the extent of our tolerance for it.
And, we're going to stop on that point too, because nothing yet has been proven to get the girls upset. We did have ice cream yesterday early in the day with no problems, but we didn't have as much as we usually do. Maybe in this manner the girls are going to try stating that it wasn't a problem see? But, we SEE what they are doing, and they now know it. We won't do any testing while Austin is here. Rich might get ice cream when he shops tomorrow, but if we have some it will be very little. We do have to remark over the last day and a half of not having it, we didn't have stomach/gas problems. I know this is pretty gross, but if we don't discuss it ... how will we get - or even you get past it ... Have to be, "Quite Frankly, Ann."
I think the rest of Dr. Marvin's session ... we're getting now down to the last real topic of discussion and we have about 30-35 minutes, will be of figuring out how all this stuff we've been doing got played out the last half hour. We're a little jumpy because again we're under the clock and something must be going on at one of our neighbors, because we've been hearing car doors shut, so each time we stop to check if its Austin, even though we've been told he won't be here for another half hour. I hope they are careful on the country roads. Don't know how often they make the trip ... it's starting to be dark, and it's going to be very dark on their way home. Have to remind them to drive safe, but I think both Laura and Mike drive safe ... they just seem responsible like that.
So how do we get to this critical two-day build-up to conclude in a half hour? What happened? Can we start with that? Obviously it was some kind of pressure or it wouldn't be so hard. Seems like all of this last two days was spent "busy" trying to avoid this part. I don't have a real clear sense, but we're thinking it went better, than being bad. Think ... ok, we concluded the part of where we were as a child, are we going to remember how we jumped from that back to safe excitement we're having with the project? What is to be remembered? Close your eyes ... girls, please think...
We probably put a cap on the other conversation, because we would have realised it was the conversation before getting to the "feature event." hehehe YES, Dr. Moline ... after 28 years, we pretty much know how to do therapy. We know like any good client that the hour is very firm. Hmm, that's a thought Dr. Marvin on Wednesday came in five minutes late from a lunch meeting. But, he seemed very alive and ready to think with us. I cannot believe how good he is at doing his job. SPECIALLY not throwing in other tangibles in his life to disrupt his/our thinking. Where ever we are at, we're made to feel its the most important thing in the world. I think Dr. Moline probably gives lip service to the point of being the patient's choice where to go in therapy, because we are thinking in his shortened condensed sessions he pretty much leads. How else could it be if his goal was to get the patient to dispel of her manifestations and get busy with the business of life. ARGH!
Ok, more defenses, because it is still coming out pretty negative.
What would we have wanted to tell Dr. Marvin the most of the excitement over the last several days. I think we might have been tired enough with all the processing that we weren't as beside ourselves with excitement as we were when we talked to him Monday. Hmm, that's something. I remember now that there was being more verbal assistance of Dr. Marvin being asked. We were coming from a place I think now ... hmm, thinking we're getting this ... but we were like thinking almost from the point of view, do we have the audacity to be thinking these kinds of thoughts and then actually following through?
There was a little skirmish where Dr. Marvin said that we were having "hard thoughts." The part out ... didn't want to believe that. We're thinking the part out was Kelsie and she was being very critical of herself. Maybe even a little overwhelmed for her. She was carrying us through at a rapid pace, and there was a lot of checks and double checks between her and Lissa. I'm not sure how they work together to communicate. We're thinking now and wondering if Lissa isn't the Marie for Kelsie as Marie Actually is to Corey. Basically, we know that if Corey (me) asks a question like we just did in the paragraph above, then if I can focus on it enough the answer will come to me. Just have to get a LOT of the systems jitters out of the way. If Marie gives information to Corey, and by the way also to Ayn, who we believe to be one of the one's responsible for the commenting - though the responsibility is floating to whichever part thinks they have something to contribute. Well, basically as to process, Kelsie is in charge of the grander project - at least email Google searches to Slide presentations, then Lissa is her go-to part ... most likely so she doesn't have to slow her thoughts down to much. Basically, if she comes to a stumbling point, we are thinking that Lissa is providing her with resources AND as companionship so that Kelsie doesn't have to be overwhelmed with working on her own.
Hmm, those are new thoughts! Cool Cool. They will like everything else have to be tested out, but that is now possible now that something is being written down. I think this blog entry will be way too long and distracted to show Dr. Marvin, but one of the processes through one of the slides we're presenting is to pull from our long blog entries condensed annotations like we are putting all the other multiples' work through. Albeit it is still much longer, and we've only processed three of our entries, but it is getting condensed and placed in it's own slideshow. We're actually quite proud of it. We also went back and figured even that is somewhat hard for the normal person to get through, so we ended up taking the first significant 5-8 words or so and highlighted them in bold and with italics. That way the reader can skim the paragraph sized annotations until they find something of interest to them. In doing the process of the annotations, we've already pre-read and judged what was the most important to us "after the fact." I know, I know there's a lot of mish-mash getting to the most important things we're trying to figure out or communicate.
What were some of the other features we must have been telling Dr. Marvin of ... 15 minutes left. Hmm, there was the part we eluded to a second ago where the parts - especially Kelsie was being down on her ability to get things done and that they would be good enough. She and Lissa are really system thinkers and don't do as much of the commenting as say Ayn, Kate, and Jamie. Ok, and me too. There was a part brought up where they were telling him about Sarah's excitement and being out more, because she liked the part of matching pictures to some of the writing that was being done through collecting the annotations. It was kind of a slowed-down process, but one of the things that was making things fun. We really like when Sarah is out, but she gets a little pouty, and that was brought up too ... we had ordered more Herbalife after talking to Joe. We know that is also Sarah's doing, because she's the one that sees to well-health, but some of the others are already complaining because I think in their view they need food substance to continue working hard.
That was a part of it too ... was that they were complaining as if their part of the work was more important than others. They seemed to know they were being grumpy, but Dr. Marvin talked enough to recall their interest. AND, basically, he got them by saying at one point ... that their work was hard to read and that only a special group of multiples, educators, doctors, and students were going to be able to understand what was being done. Kelsie was feeling a little excited by it, but also coming from the stance, that he was basically pulling her leg. I think everyone in the system likes hearing the good positive things about them, but there was an special battle maybe played out with Dr. Marvin of believing that we might have things to say that were important and that we were smart enough to do it. She said in defense, that she still wasn't as smart as like Doctors, but Dr. Marvin set back and then said you would be surprised. And, then he told us the part that he seemed to be excited about, but directly he was saying that our ability to pull all the computer processes together was pretty amazing, and that he thought most of his doctor residents ... AHHH that's the R word! But, that they wouldn't be able to do it ... and then I think he referred to some of the older doctors, and he said they barely type.
I think that was an important statement to her ... basically, the thinking that she had a mind that could process at a doctor level. Thinking now we know that what Dr. Marvin does is so leaps and leaps in front of us, but he also let us know that coming from ourselves as a person that what we had to contribute was as important and maybe even more important than some of other peoples contributions. He didn't say it like that, but basically, he gave us permission to accept better ourselves and our right to be as a human might. I think he went too over some parts of what the family had done to us in the past or to protect ourselves what we did to hide. And, especially how not being "someone" enabled us a position of tucking away so that we weren't damaged more by them then we already were.
I don't know how else to say it ... but, he was underlying that is was ok, for us to be us. And, that contrary to anything a Dr. Moline-type person might think, we have as much a right to be out in this world and contributing toward it as any other woman's evangelist or gay rights group, or African American - anyone who had fell out of favor with the ruling and arrogant typical White male who's held so much sway over the years - especially grounded in more education. BUT, without saying any of this he let us know again that he was proud and to tell us that we were taking on something very big. And, he acted like he had no doubts we could be good at what we did. He did say he didn't agree to everything with what Leo Laporte said, but the body of his work was solid and he had a lot to give and he did it with passion. Ok, he didn't use the passion word, but our thoughts are now filling in.
Part of Kelsie's problems is that because she is so smart, she falls more prey to some of our "mental illness" especially working from the viewpoint of bi-polar and a bit on the compulsive side. When she is working she knows God damned well what she's doing ... not how its going to turn out, but the small decisions one at a time that are being made. She has some kind of inner confidence in her thinking processes, that make how she puts things together, actually pretty ingenious. AND, Now it's about 8 pm so we're going to try to shut down. But, let us say in conclusion; to be thinking of ourselves as possibly smart again, AND having Austin over who's so gosh darn smart - MUCH further than us ... well it's just well and EXCELLENT to have someone like this to talk to for a couple of days. So with that. I think we're bidding you adieu ... and please IF you've read THIS long, oh please come back again