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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Sunday, October 20, 2013

How to move the bolder up the hill


We got the quilt back from Linda using the long arm on it ... just have to do the binding now :)

Saturday, October 19, 2013 @ 8:57 am

Good morning.  This is just us.  We've been up for about four hours.  We've been moving around our general resources of people and answering correspondence.  This seems to be taking more time now than it had before, but communicating with people was what it was all about, so have to think we're doing the right thing there.

Bouncing into all that right now ... We have three relatively new areas of people.  The first group of people we're getting to know is through Plural Activism, and then the second group is a group of about 245 Multiples at another group called just dissociative disorder, though relatively few are active - the main person in this group is Marcus.  And, then the last "group," is actually one individual with about 80 parts.  She is in general tied to "the Lauren's' System."  I'm not sure if this is the name she goes by, but what we use to remember them.

I'm going to try not to say too much about anyone from these groups because I want to keep them intact as themselves without losing trust that we're talking outside the group.  There will be a few general things we say as to topics - not personalized. I suppose it would anyway be normal for a Multiple to be interested in different "activities."  For the majority though writing is the main activity and there is some picture sharing.  We are being a little over boastful as to having quilter's in our group, but we are proud of them, and they are as much people in our system as those of us who write.

As to group topics ... I think it's again just introductions of individuals and systems of individual's.  In one group we're just recently talking more at this specific time about what to call a single group of Multiples ... like did you know there is a bellowing of bullfinches?  I'm pretty sure those are birds, but there are all kinds of groups out there.  I found out this week that some of the Multiples are students, and we were really excited about that.  It had been such a strong part of our life for awhile, you gotta just be out there and encouraging others, because it is so much harder as a Multiple to be keeping up with deadlines and stuff.  I'm guessing others find it like we did where it wasn't the difficulty of getting A's as much as getting the cooperation of time to put into the project sufficiently.  Maybe, we'll learn more about this as the weeks go on.

Part of being new too is finding out if there are any internal group rules and roles and how to apply that all without insulting people.  It's kind of hard coming in on the middle because you don't know what's already been established in the group.  I think most people are excited to be in contact with others.  I'm sure that there are other groups out there, but at this point we've found yahoo to be a really good group site.  We'd known this before and had even started a group LONG time ago, but we weren't ready for it then.  We have to be careful as with any social media group to assure we're not over-doing it in any one area.  But, I like interacting with people who are speaking primarily the same language and carry the same types of concerns and working through similar issues.

We are though for the record doing better this week with our regular "external" groups.  We connected to the volunteer group for going in at 80% of the time we could have been volunteering on Wednesday.  The work we had been doing of sorting fabric into quilt kits had been started by Mike the day before.  He is sort of the jack of all trades person.  He got don with 14 quilts, and then I finished 22 more so we got 36 quilts on the two day spree.  I haven't seen Mary Ann for awhile, so I don't know how the baby quilts were going, or if they are, but am guessing she's still carrying through.

There were a lot of people who asked how I'd been and had noticed that we were gone. I offered a general understanding that we sometimes have difficulty leaving the house which is very true.  I talked to Connie and Ellie and Keith about it a little more personally, but for the rest ... just a little information seemed to go a long way.  I felt people didn't want to feel overly into our business, while being yet curious and sensitive that there might be a problem.  For the three people we're closest to, Connie, Ellie, and Keith, I was very grateful to talk more to them as to how parts interact with time differently.  I think we explained it in a way that made sense, but your always like figuring out that stuff as you go along.

Rich just stopped by for a few moments.  I think the schedule is becoming a little more set.  It's about 9:30 am now, and he's going to take cut the grass, and he is picking Bud up about 1:30 pm.  He says he's going to leave him with his Mother, and then he's going to go to the Rockford Walmart for shopping for us, and then he's going to pick-up Bud and do dinner with him - if diner is not happening at his mother's rehab hospital.  I'm thinking that's the best option.  He initially said he'd come home and take me and Bud out, but we refuse to go out with Bud at this point.  It's detrimental to our well-being to be with him any longer than we have to.  I can take all kinds of people, but I will not volunteer to be with any person trying to belittle us and make us feel as if we were or our thoughts were not important.  Nobody needs that.  I also though will stand clear as to Bud and his estranged wife spending time together.  They can be their own worst enemies.  If Rich wants to be in the middle of that fine, but I'm not dealing with it directly.  They are still caustic.

In general, Rich's mother is doing a little better.  She can walk about 20 feet on her own with her walker.  She still needs help standing up.  She doesn't seem to have a problem eating, though is eating too many small snicker's bars in-between meals.  She's also doing things not good for her like letting the nursing staff dress her when she should be learning to dress herself, and she's not telling them when she has to go to the bathroom, so she's wetting and otherwise dirtying herself so that they have to clean her and her bed up frequently.  She's also giving them a bad time in general - lot's of arguing and mean stuff, and negative about the services they offer or her going home.  It's become a regular banter.  She's also refusing enough rehabbing services that they aren't taking her effort seriously.  They will probably dismiss her early, because she's not doing what she needs to to be considered her fair share.  She's doesn't appreciate that people do things for her, although screaming she wants to go home.  They and us both know ... she just wants to go home to drink and smoke.  In all other areas she wants someone to take care of her.  She is also pushing Rich to be there every day even though it is a three hour ordeal for him to drive there every day, plus visiting time and her beleaguering him because "he's ruining her life."  I've said this before, but she's just a incredibly self-serving person and volatile.  I hope we're using that word correctly.

I think I do pretty well as long as I remember she's not healthy, so I can separate myself more from her.  I try to be as honest as we can though I don't want to hurt her feelings.  I will call a spade a spade.  She seems to appreciate the difference of conversation between Rich and us.  He has to be more a guardian and give her the hard reality checks.  We have just lighter conversation though pushing she be not taking advantage of the system.  She needs them more than they need her, and she's trying to argue that point out.  She does stuff mentioned above, and she also does stuff like setting off the bed alarm to get immediate attention and asking for different dinners after they bring her one.  In general, just arrogant things.  Mark, her other son, called her a prima donna and that's really where she is, but as long as we're allowed to be background - it's really not up to us to over-worry about.  I don't like that now Bud's family is asking Rich to not only take him to see his mother, but as well feed him, pick up some groceries for him and then stop by and put in eye drops.  It's way over the boundary line ... I think they should make their own voyage up there ... It's still a three hour trip in the car - and NOBODY should have to put up with Bud that long.

I do realize that I'm grouchy and probably arrogant about it, but that's the frustration over how much this is a part of our life even if it's just accepting the aloneness when Rich has to take off 5-6 hours for spending that kind of time with her EVERY day.  Again, we still worry because Rich is telling us we're not going to have enough money over the next few months.  I keep repeating, our system pays the household bills of rent, utilities, medical, etc., but Rich is still responsible for his share through vehicle payments and food.  He has to be that much accountable.  He comes home too tired to do the piece rate work he's now accepting again.  I will not be put in a position that I have to do his work too ... not with a $3000 alimony bill ... uh uh ... not going to pay for that bill.  Hmm, it's more now ... think he's paying $3,200 plus taxes and some insurance since they refinanced the house.  It's another $100,000 that he owes ... the ex isn't contributing to that, but maintains the need for a bigger house.

Ok, maybe we're in a bit of a pissy mood right now ... I'm really sorry about that and will try to change-up.  Rich has been really good this week of not dropping his family problems on me.  Last night for example, we peeled the apples and he made a couple individual apple pies.  Stuff like that is really important when all this other is going on, because sometimes the time isn't split evenly.  I was doing pretty well when I drove to Rich's mother's with him three times this week.  It is really nice getting those 3 hours in the car.  We spend it between talk, singing 50's songs, and using the computer.  It's high quality time.  See things aren't ALL bad.  Rich even sang this last time :)

My/our job remains that of being a domestic Goddess.  Hehehe ... better go change loads of clothes in the laundry.  Only two today to get us back to no dirty clothes.  I like that part a lot ... not too much, just enough to feel productive.

There we moved around the laundry, did some countertops and cleaned the clean dishes from the dishwasher.  We still have to wash the stemware and the glasses/cup the dishwasher messed up on - the big pan too.  It went through once, messed-up, we soaked it, and put it through again and STILL messing up.  This time it is soaking, but we'll hand wash it.  Not so happy with that AND Rich just came in to say the transmission just went out on the riding lawn mower.  So now he's going back to the hand one, but will only be able to get 1/3 of the lawn cut.  I don't know, if we were really progressive we'd cut at least a 1/3 too later when he's gone.  We'll have to see about that.

We also forgot that yesterday he messed up his spreadsheet when reordering columns and now he has to go back to straighten that out, but he complained that it would take him all night, and then asked us to do it.  *Sigh* I know we'd be quicker than him, just another chore away from things we want to do like the blogging we're doing now.  This time there wasn't so much build-up of doing the housework in-between writing, but were getting a little pissy too thinking we have to do work for Rich because he's not home to do it himself.  It's a really stupid ass conversation, because this is our lover bunny, we should of course want to help him.  BUT, we think he's too extended out there helping all his family instead of helping OUR family of him and us.  I don't see the value of him putting food on credit card so he can be with his mother EVERY day.  He could skip a day and just do his job.  He's losing workshops and customers because he's not satisfying their needs which means he's not getting paid.  Just a lot out there that doesn't make sense and that I can't do anything about.  I can't go back to the craziness of doing something impossible for the system without damaging self-esteem and self-worth again.

I'm thinking maybe we'd have more self-worth if we were able to take care of Rich's burdens, but pretty sure we'd be way off the charts as to livability because a lot of people within our system would rebel.  We're having a hard enough time finding time to do what we want now.  I know that it probably seems lazy to others and where's the couple in this, but if we're doing our household work, and spending time developing a life online, then we have to think that we're doing is worthy of our ability and time, and that we're not just sitting around.  I really really don't mean to sound petty.  But, they are still not my family.  To some degree I've been accepted by his mother, just not very much worthwhile because I'm not taking care of her directly.  His children have absolutely NO need for me and his ex is three times as bad as all them combined.  We're just on way different paths with the common string of it being Rich.  He's taking care of them through alimony, free housing, weddings, etc.  I know this is the stuff he WANTS to be able to cover.  Just it doesn't have much to do with me and takes away Rich's time and attention.  I am glad he has mother and other family he loves.  He wouldn't take me away from my family either, but there is a point of recognizing that his care costs.  For him taking care of them - high value, for me no value if not negative value, except if I stop complaining then maybe I'll take some stress off of Rich so he can do what he feels is right.  I know we always get to that point, but it is a process we have to remind ourselves time and again.  I think it's a trivial part of our being.  Trying to be better ... we're trying.  What's money anyway?  *sigh*

I still feel good that my money is going to pay for all the housing since the majority of the money was Rich's accounts or his mother's father.  At least then in 5-6 years we'll have both put in about the same.  Plus, we did at $10,000 from my mother.  It counts too right?  We noticed on our bank statements this morning, that Rich did take money out of our checking and savings account for his taxes.  But, we argued out our grief on that last time.  This time we want to take it up a notch.  We can recognize we're still feeling trite about this, BUT am skipping in one sentence over to the part where we are dealing with it and am always appreciative of having Rich as my lover and best friend.  I couldn't in my wildest dreams want more than I'm getting with him as a person.  That's the God's truth about it and always bottom line.  *sigh*

Ok, there we're feeling better.  Maybe we'll go wash up the dishes by hand so it will be done by the time the clothes come out of the dryer, Hmm?  Good girls!

Good good!  We done well.  We washed everything ... needed two drying cloths, and we made the bed and cleared off most the kitchen table.  The rest of the stuff is Rich's and if he doesn't clean it off before he leaves, we'll put it away for him.  I really like to sit at the kitchen table with the more comfortable chairs, but if there is stuff all over the tables and chairs, it's like a flag saying get the hell out of there!  I also cleared up our desk area.  I think we should do the kitchen floors too, but that might be saved for our tomorrow project.  It's already 11 am and we still have two loads of clothes to fold and put away ... and we wanted to clean the bedroom floor.  That would have to wait until Rich left of course.  Hmm, might meant to that we don't put away the clothes right away because of the wet floor.  It should be ok.  I would really like to be on a schedule where some part of the carpet and the kitchen floor was being cleaned once a week.  That be an admirable goal, right?  We're doing good with the surfaces - except Rich's stuff on the table.

There has been some talk about his desk so he could do his office work in his own room, but he stalled on it again this week.  He saw something outside at an antique store, but it was only a bread table (rolling size).  It was 4' with match book legs, no drawers.  I thought it was a LOUSY desk.  He'd do much better with the one we chose last weekend, but as long as he has ANY interest in fixing his room we'll go with that.  He did what we didn't want in the sunroom.  He does have a really nice pump thing, but I NEVER wanted a laundry sink in my sitting room.  But, thinking that and the cheap white fishing table are going to be there to stay.  We've been trying to deal with it.  I know Rich is using the sunroom slightly more than me and that we agreed he could run his manufacturing processes through there - like the present sink project of cleaning plastic radon housings.  BUT, we're not going to be thrilled with it.  It looks pretty chintzy.  He pulled down the shades by the laundry tub, but then we can't see through our front windows and through the sides and back of the windows people can still see his operation.  Basically, from the outside it looks like he's playing in a misguided sink.  BLAH!

I know, I know ... it's his choice what he wants to do to earn money.  This job allows him flexibility to work at night and visit with his mother 5-6 hours during the day, but it makes me feel terrible that he has to do such a thing.  He's like got the manly view ... just another job that has to get done, so while bringing in money, it's as good a job as any.  We're going to let him skate by with that series of thoughts, but soon enough he's going to say, it would really go faster if you helped.  I don't mean to sound as terrible as it is sounding, but I didn't sign up for the job, I'm on disability for a reason, and I'm not supporting his families habits of leaning on him.  I won't BECOME a Rich.  I probably will help him with his spreadsheet though ... He's just terribly frustrated with that one ... he saved it the wrong way instead of the right way and he knows he made the error.  He's got a hard time dealing with it.  Not that THAT's the marker point of whether I help him or not, but for sure something is aching for him - we would like his life to be better.

I say that especially, because we are having such a good life.  We're still figuring out how to handle our system, to be helpful to others in the Multiple community, and to work with them on making it a nicer place for yet, others.  PLUS, we enjoy the sewing, particularly the volunteer work.  Maybe it is contradictory working on volunteer instead of helping Rich make money.  That thought comes up periodically.  I feel strongly though that I'm on disability for a purpose.  What Dr. Marvin and I've worked on is making our life more livable so we're not at the point of wanting to commit suicide all the time.  I'm not saying it doesn't come up, but again as mentioned before we don't want to live in that kind of space by being forced to do what's good for others, but not good for us.  Trying to fit that mold of taking care of others no matter where they were at and no matter how much they were piling on top of ... just we can't handle that sort of thing.  Even the pressures we put on ourselves now, we know theoretically, that they only NEED to get done when we CAN get them done.  We want to improve on being able to do deadlines - like marking this morning for writing, then for online with the Multiplicity stuff, and sewing tonight.  As grand a plan that is, we've still not been able to do it for more than a day or two without needing time to come back and re-balance ourselves.

It's better right now for us to set general goals.  I know what I want to do to catch us up to this week with the Multiple Works stuff.  I appreciate that people want to sew tonight, and we'll try to honor that.  We might need to move the desk light to the other side of the living room so we can see the hand sewing.  But, it should be ok.  I don't want to listen to Rich's shows, but we like the idea of being "with Rich."  This is a very hard one for me to do.  He usually listens to cop/detective shows with loud noises and bad visuals.  I know if we concentrate on just our work, it will be better, but it be best if he was listening to music and reading or something like that.  Maybe what we could do is work on the hand sewing with the extra light out in the sun room while he's working out there.  I think he's planning though to bring his computer because he and us got it set up for the hopper sling that Dish Network offers.  It will allow him to watch TV while working, and in reality his back would be turned toward me.  It takes down some of the feelings of working together.

I couldn't tell you why this kind of process thinking is so hard for me.  Just know it is.  Maybe someone figured out something last week?  I think we had been talking about the Annemarie part.  Annemarie is the one with sensitive hearing problems.  Think that's a big part as to why we have to pick and choose watching TV with Rich.  We do watch Sheldon, and we can watch a few other shows - he's looking at some of the new sitcoms that are more family orientated.  We have enjoyed doing the massaging, but we have to figure out how that's happening now with colder weather and wanting to be snuggled in bed, instead of laying across the top.  Maybe then a simple matter of an extra blanket or pulling apart the regular bed?  I don't know.  Maybe we could use the light blue flower blanket in the guest room.  it's light so we could still massage, but cuddly enough to keep out drafts.  Yes, I know ... it's terrible, but we really do micro-manage to this degree.

Hmm, Rich is in now and having crackers, cheese and salami for lunch while watching another fishing show.  I think that's a good thing, but I also don't want to hear at the end of the day that he worked for 16 hours.  Just not fair because it implies guilt that his life is so bad and that we owe him somehow especially taking care of him.  His family has VERY blurred boundaries.  Ok, no complaining we've already been through that right?  The dryer is buzzing so we'll take care of the clothes and then make ourselves some popcorn.  Then we can have our second Herbalife shake later this afternoon.  I think dinner is going to be by ourselves.

Back - folded clothes, swept the laundry room floor, talked to Rich and made some popcorn.  We decided we are going to need vacuuming all four floors - bedroom, sitting room, kitchen, and sun room.  *Blah*

Do love popcorn and a diet coke!  Rich has got caffeine free one this time too.  *sigh*

Hmm, fishing show is over.  Rich might be napping while listening to music.  He says he needs a certain tool for the housing because the other one gave him a blister.  Reminded him he had an hour and a half to do whatever he wanted before picking up Bud.  I think he might be napping for a few moment.  He didn't like the conclusion that he needed to pick up the new tool now because the hardware store isn't going to be open when he gets back from his mothers and Buds.  He did get done two sides of the lawn.  That's a good reason to be tired.  Just he has to be honest about what gets done in his normal day.  If he rests then he has to appreciate he got to take a break - and DIDN'T work 16 hours.  That marker echoes in my ears because we hear it so often.  I know people in glass houses ...

*SIGH* STOP COMPLAINING!

Yes, ma'am.

Good popcorn?

Yes.

Have a sip of pop.

Yes, ma'am.

Pushing your luck ...

Hmm?

Ok, Dr. Marvin's?  What's on the plate for Dr. Marvin's this week?  Need to move this along!

Ok, well you know the part that after Thursday we were going to have 12 days before seeing him, right?  That's true.  We did get into see him on Tuesday, but on Thursday it was raining and we didn't plan for that margin of time.  We give ourselves a half hour free space, but NOT more than that.  We got 2/3's of the way there - 40 of 60 miles, and we figured out that because the traffic and GPS weren't lining up ... time was tight and we weren't going anywhere ... that we weren't going to make it.  We were by La Grange near where we used to live, so we pulled off for a hamburger, and then we talked to the car place because a service light B1 had been going off.  I guess that's a $140 light to do everything like change, oil, rotate tires, check air filter, etc.  I called Rich to get his ok, and he said ABSOLUTELY not.  He thought we only needed to do an oil change which he could do cheaper, and he wasn't interested in the other stuff though I thought it would void our warranty, and then he insisted that he take care of it.  We were grouchy because we were missing our appointment had made up our mind to sit around 3 hours while the work got done so our car would be good and up to date.  Didn't happen.

So we turned around and headed back in the rain.  Dr. Marvin called to check on us, but we couldn't talk more than a few moments because of the conditions.  He told us we could write at will and that he'd respond when he got home.  That was good for us, and he reminded us that it was ok to be sad when he left.  Pretty much figuring he heard our mopey through the phone.  *sigh*

Have to think/ask about what happened on Tuesday.  Anyone got something?  Anything?  Remember we got up to the ramp early and then brought our parking ticket with us ... figured we still hated to check in, but maybe she could validate the ticket, so we didn't have to spend the extra money for parking.  It's a tight schedule and within a few moments of being late the cost goes from $6.50 to $8.50.  But, if you validate the ticket, you don't have to pay more than $6.75.  So, that put us in a good mood.

Hmm, not "getting" to vacuum until after Rich wakes up is putting us in a good mood too!  WoohOO!  He's been sleeping for 25 minutes already.

Ok, Dr. Marvin?  Yes, I know we have to look for the piano cord.  I know, I know.  Maybe today?  Hmm, that's interesting!  Amazon says it was delivered yesterday.  They are pretty trustworthy.  :)  It said through USPS so that means it's probably in our mail box YAY!!!!  We'll ask Rich to check when he gets up from his nap.  I know still in pjs.  We've been taking later showers in the day when we don't have to go somewhere.  Still not good for getting mail.

HMPF!  Ok, now we are a little exasperated.  It's part of not having boundaries.  Bud and his son figured they didn't have anything better to do, so the son dropped Bud off here over an hour early.  Sure why would Rich try to keep a schedule ... it just elongates the day ... they are getting there early, but will still stay for dinner so Rich looses his afternoon and evening ... and he lost his nap and there is no chance of him picking up the work tool he needed to get at the hardware store.  Just frustrated with those people.  Bud disappearing for 5 months SHOULD mean he lose some "give a damn" points.

Oh Lordy.  Here we go again with grouchy Ann.  Maybe I'll go vacuum a little.  HMPF!

Ok, we got done with 1 1/2 rooms ... then had to stop due to the back pain.  I feel a little shaky now.  Shhh shhh ... gotta calm down girls.  On the good side, we got dressed so we can go check the mail box.  Have to wait until we get rested from the vacuuming - there will be a couple up and downs until we get through with all that.  Maybe next time we can finish the bedroom, living room rug AND do the kitchen.  Not sure though about under the cupboard.  We might do that on the same swing as the sun room.  Hmm, dryer is done too.  Shoot shoot.  Not ready to stand up again even if most of dryer work is now sitting down and folding.  Please give me just a few more minutes.  *sigh*

I don't know if we can think of much that happened with Dr. Marvin.  Don't have a sense yet who had the time.  Wasn't me that's for sure.  We must remember SOME marker?  Thinking that the quilting group came up because it was just after their weekend.  Don't remember though what was said.  Probably calming us down.  Probably talked about Rich and his mother, but don't recall that conversation either.  Ahh, I know one conversation we're now remembering.  Casey was out and complaining about Annemarie.  Casey was explaining that she was the one trying to wait very patiently for Rich's pie to be out, but then when the apple pie was finally done, Annemarie ate the pie and didn't share.  No amount of stomach counting was going to convince Casey it was LIKE eating, because it wasn't to her.  Holding up the fork was a tease, but then it went to Annemarie and not her.  Annemarie was out for a snarly moment, scared Casey and then disappeared.  I don't know who had it after that.  Someone who understood the story at least.

Maybe just another minute or two.  Our concentration isn't very good right now, and our 1 pm medicine timer just went off so we'll have to do that too.  Maybe start in the bedroom, work forward toward the kitchen and then sit to do whatever, and THEN finish the vacuuming.  I don't know if we can do all that without writing in-between, but we're going to go for it.  Be back in a little bit.

Back!  We did pretty good ... we're done vacuuming all five rooms ... the fifth room - the living room is just vacuuming the little on the rug between chairs, couches and table. It's not too hard.  I did the little suction thing under the cupboards - that's always a little extra, but pays off when we don't see grimy stuff under the ledge.  I'm going to need picking up a few more threads in the sunroom.  I didn't have the wherewithal to pull out the vacuum hand suction thing before we had to stop.  We will do that before putting the vacuum cleaner away the next round.  AND THEN ... if we were being a real good Ann, we would carpet clean the bedroom ... WOW!  that take us over the edge of Good Anndom.

Hmm, I am getting scolded by the cat ... vacuuming is their WORST thing ... besides moving :)

We were just going over the word groups for animals again ... I know play, play play ... a group of animal names is called, "a venery."  You learn something new every day!

Hey did you know?  We got the Casio cord and the piano WORKS!!!

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