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Please see Ann's Blog Roll in right sidebar by scrolling down for links to other People (approximately 140 bloggers) like us who currently (within 1 year) write about their Dissociative Identity Disorder in open Blogs. For additional support for Multiplicity our Twitter account (@aynetal3) lists approximately 240 Multiples). Keep looking for support - it's OUT there!
Please go to Ann's NEWS DID/MPD Blog (directly under the Message Forum) for the NEW Mind Mapping segment - Work in progress
Friday, October 4, 2013
Morning - updating the week - Lots on our mind ... getting through session to get to the next
Thursday, October 3, 2013 @ 9:48 am
Good morning - just us. Ok, as a confessional ... it's been 7-8 days between real writing. You know us ... we'll try to account for some of that time, but might be more a matter of straightening the cupboards. Where did we put that information again?
I think we covered the bases this morning. However, we might have only found tweets to the buffer to go towards early afternoon. I don't know yet if we will leave it there or go back over the data to see what else we might find. We seemed to skim a lot this morning, but not a lot interested us. Maybe most people are just doing the work thing and not communicating as much. Also, I think we've been going over it pretty well of late and we are less likely to put up just the general stuff that keeps repeating. We do do some of it if we like the message from the post being linked. Like "the ten best ...", or "What's the most ..." Ok, they are catchy!
We just finished a short note to Koi on of Astraea's people. Gave us a chance to stop in there and reflect too and we're caught up with FB and the emails. Nothing to do, but write! Oh, the other things? It is raining and we started a fire in the fireplace (gas), and Rich is gone and he'll probably shoot me when he gets home for doing it. We have to figure out whether we're going to hide it - that it was started, or if we're going to let it go. I wish we were more honest then this, but thinking not. Sometimes we still try to avoid things where we know we're going to get in trouble. I wonder if regular singletons think the same way as to avoiding conflict from more of a "child role." It's the first time we've turned on the fire for a while ... it is just really beautiful. We weren't patient in Rich checking it out first, but he takes a long time to do everything. We are watching it carefully, just having to deal with our feelings of guilt too. *sigh* ... pretty sure there will be more thought of this later, but for now let's move on?
It's pretty and sounds good with the rain sounds :)
We've had two Dr. M. appointments since we've been here last. Last Thursday's appointment was more private between Kate and Dr. Marvin, and it seems they were talking about "business stuff" concerning maybe a confidence boost as to what we are doing with our time on line. I know that Kate is one of our major organizers, so sometimes its best just to sit back and give her time. We know Kate can get tired and frustrated, but maybe because she's got so much responsibilities and leadership to do. No one wants to upset her. I don't think the parts have done anything wrong, but it is still hard getting everything done that as a structure, we are putting up. We have to think that whichever part is out and whatever project she or he is working on has to be the group priority at that moment. It doesn't mean that the time doesn't get evaluated - and the projects we know are always under evaluation, but still it's a lot to keep track of.
As of now ... we are caught up on the "Multiple Works," in Pinterest, Learnist, and Scoop-it, but we are not caught up with the comments and that is the subject of most of our time with Dr. M. yesterday. We have a strange week where we went in on Wednesday and will go back tomorrow (Friday). Both have been morning appointments.
I think the hard part about making comments is that it takes a lot of thought and emotional stamina to go through so many varieties of thought at any given moment. I also think it's difficult because many times more than not - different parts are drawn to the conversation, so we might start one place, and then we find ourselves adding more opinion and more ... because one part of another doesn't feel someone else has contributed enough so that it seems to be making sense.
We know that one of the variables is that we have to consider the length of each post and the psychological wherewithal needed for the project. We did come to the conclusion that we're going to try Fridays and Mondays to be the normal days of catching up the stories - for anyone else online to read. That means posting Monday through Thursday news on Friday, and then posting Friday through Sunday news on Monday. That works out too because the new news gets in about 6:00-7:00 pm. I know schedules change all the time, but we're going to try making the first part of the week (starting Mondays) be #1 of 2 sets of information and then the second part of the week - more the weekend will be the #2 of 2 sets. It works out too right now as to how many posts are being made. I think we're averaging about 30 in each group.
One of the things that changed this week is that we started communicating with another Multiple - I think that goes by the group name of Rainbows. She's added quite a few comments to the Pinterest board, and we're hoping that if she has extra commenting time she'll help making comments over on Learnist. She does seem to have more personal troubles now, but we think she enjoys communicating and thinking through things, so maybe that will work out. She does seem to be doing though a lot already. We'll see. One way or another, they've been fun to talk to this week.
We've talked less to our FB friends, and we've talked less to the sewing group. I did call my Mother this week and found that CS had gone up to MN with both Mark and Nathan. I don't expect to hear much back from the trip, but I'm sure everyone had a good time.
Rich's mother continues to have problems. She got in a shouting spree with her husband who she'd been estranged from for about five months. So after a few days of being home - and mostly NOT talking, he left again. Rich's mother figured out she could write checks to the grocery store to get her alcohol, and when Rich found out, he took the checks away and talked to the grocery store. They are not supposed to deliver alcohol anymore, but thinking this is just a temporary set-back to his mother and that she's going to devise another way of getting it. Rich also took off Bud's family from her speed dial because of her trying to call them and give them a good old fashion, "And what for!" Basically, she prefers an audience when she's yelling.
This week she's not been eating well, has been drunk several nights, called up Rich 7 times one night asking for smokes - but it was like 1-2 am in the morning. She still had smokes, but wanted to hedge her bet. And, she wanted someone to yell at. Not many people are putting themselves in front of that boulder right now. She also decided yesterday - without the alcohol that she wanted to go back to the nursing home. I think Rich has said something to Bud's family so they know she's going to have to start paying for it in cash until all the money is gone. I think there are some protections for Bud, so he won't lose the home, but she might lose her right to be there. Depends how it is going to go down this next time. Rich seems to think even though he's gotten two people to spend a couple hours each over there every day, that she's still lonely. He also stops by daily and takes care of her regular needs and that of the household. I believe Bud's family is still taking care of the lawn.
So that's about that there. My mother in contrast to Rich's mother is doing fine. I asked general questions about things I know are going on up there like her church, the minister, her volunteering, the health of her and her friends, stuff like that. It wasn't a long conversation, because I thought I was interrupting her time with her guests. My mother is still very able to take care of herself - though about ten years younger than Rich's Mom. I think my mother is 73 and Rich's mother is 83. Not sure the exact ages. My mother was never an alcoholic and quit smoking maybe 20-25 years ago. Her body gives her problems sometimes in that she has suffered a stroke in the past, but she can still drive and get herself around and hoists her own wheelchair in and out of the car. Her husband died about 2 1/2 years ago, but we've been real impressed that she stays active in small town events and things going on in her neighborhood. She has someone come in once a week to help her process household - things she can't do physically, or would like to talk to someone about, but otherwise she's running a household fine including finances and food. I'm very fortunate she doesn't have the kinds of problems Rich's Mom has.
It might not make a lot of difference though in that my mother is so far away that we wouldn't be able to care for her. She's made arrangements through friends up there to take care of her estate if anything happened and she's made arrangements so that if the time came and she couldn't take care, she'd go to live in the assisted homes, and then maybe one day the nursing home, but she's so happy with the community and those resources that it be a good deal for her. I appreciate her independence. We have some doubts as to her people taking care of her - just in that they are not family, but I would trust Peg and Jane more than my own brother, sister or me. We'll have to see then just how time plays out. Nothing to do or worry about - pretty sure she has a long life left.
On to happier thoughts?
Most of Dr. Marvin's appointment yesterday - think we mentioned this, but didn't complete, but most of the time we were talking about comments made from the different entries in Learnist. We had done about 14 from the day previous and we had him read the entries and comments after them. At one point we realized how slow it was going, so we had him jump to a few toward the end, where wed disconnected from due to being overwhelmed.
It seemed that Dr. M understood our viewpoint from what we'd read and he seems always interested in what we think about. It is a new thing for us to be talking so much about Multiplicity instead of day in and out problems. We had spent five minutes updating him, and we pushed for ten more minutes, but then really didn't have much else to talk about other than the thoughts we were producing. In-between the reading he would stop to comment, or give us an idea of what he'd just read.
We felt pretty comfortable because someone - I believe Kelsie, laid down on his couch (with feet to the side/ground). There were other parts out too - We're thinking at least Anna, Gracie and Crystal. They were playing a mental game where they were coming in and out of the office by using the wall between two close windows as a Maypole. They'd open the windows and we're circling happily around. It's not often we can tie-up Dr. Marvin with reading enough to give them a chance to play in the safe office without being confronted directly from Dr. Marvin. It seemed to give Kelsie a distracted pleasure to be facilitating this encounter. Dr. Marvin read/talked about the comments from about 10:15 - 10:53 am, and then afterward, we sat-up the children went away and Dr. Marvin returned to his regular "talking" chair.
At that point we went over the general processes of what was happening with the experience we'd both just gone through. It was comfortable, but went a few moments overboard when we got more interested in his input rather than watching the clock. We usually like to be the one that says - ok, we're ready to go ... not as much fun being told - it's time.
I think in general, Dr. Marvin likes that we're doing what we're doing. He is such a positive person, that we don't find often that he's disappointed with us. Even when we had to give up some of our goals, he looked with me for the next best set of ideas. He's always given us this sense of confidence. He realizes too that we're up again a time crunch. Someone played with the idea that's run between us before where WE think we're under pressure to get things done, and HE thinks ... Hey you don't answer to anyone anymore (speaking of a boss) and we can do about anything during the day that we want. I know he's right and even Rich is right in thinking of us as a Lady of Leisure, but that's not quite accurate the picture they are portraying.
Like if we sat around all day and did nothing other than tV, ok it might be different, but we're putting out goals and objectives for ourselves and working in the Multiple Community. We had to discuss building self-assurance even with very little feedback, and we had to discuss some of the things that we are doing that makes other things less balanced. This time we talked about our own project balance rather than just getting the housework done while we're "working." I know that is a kind of work and something we need to be responsible for too. Just in general, that part seems to get done more often when we are keeping up in our own "self-imposed" business model/world.
We are still distracted when Rich calls what we do a hobby, because it insinuates it is not as important to anybody besides us. I understand that it is more important to me than others, but it doesn't mean it is important to put it out there in the "out Loud" world. In a sense, I figure that we have a presence on this Earth, and it is up to us to draw an outline and color in the work for others to find. We have a sense that collectively over many years of writing and future projects that we will leave behind a legacy for others to go through, or our kids to appreciate, or as just something to say in a temporary wind-blown manner that we were here. I'd like to think that our ideas meant something to somebody, but we haven't established ourselves like that. I still think that most of what we write takes too long for the common passer-bye to absorb in. It would be a life blessing though if someone came a long one day and really "got us." At that point, that person might appreciate that we left a long, deep archaeological assortment to sort through.
I think in general as to a conversation that has been ongoing on "having a Multiple conversation" that if we don't put down stakes and invite others to do the same, then time goes on and no progress will be made. I think we have a good strong point of view, but we know there are many other views. If we build the field - then the statement should read, they will come. I don't know if that will happen this month, this decade, or a century from now, but I do think it's important to leave something now while we are still living through and expressing our situation as a representative multiple. I apologize for mixing big and small M/m's Trying to work on that, but its a process. Please know even with the little m i am not diminished as a person who thinks, feels, and believes in life.
We did go a little outside the safety net last night. Dr. Marvin and us continued our conversation on whether or not we should leave comments behind as we curate material. There was no deciding though we were leaning on not commenting when we left his office because of the difficulty in cross-commenting. I don't know what his position is, but we know that he's brought up the discussion a few times, so we're thinking he's leaning more toward the other conclusion - basically, that we should be commenting back.
There is a logistics battle going on though. For one our comments are not kept up in time. At this point, we could be getting back to commenting on something left 2-3 weeks ago or more. So any information we would leave would be untimely. As to the location part of this logistics, we pull information from many resources including some of the other forums where they already have groups of people talking and sometimes moderating. I don't really want to break into those conversations, or if we did comment on our side and copy/pasted back to the site, we would have to worry about comments about our comments, or follow-up to the original writing.
That adds an entirely new perplexity to what is happening. Here I think we have to better redefine our goals. It seems that the normal sites like "psychforum," "Yahooanswers," "Experience Project,"Ask," "DID.net," and others, etc. have regular commentators, but that's not what we are really buying into. I think the first thing you could say for sure is that we're not interested in nesting to one particular site/group, we are more interested in curating from all the groups without so many borders or sense of one group of people showing ownership in particular domains. If I were to think of a typical "customer" to our accounts, we would want them to see over a large variety of circumstantial entries and come up with a global view point. I'm not interested in like "saving" people or just supporting their concerns ... I'm not saying these are bad things ... we'll we're really not into saving in particular, but we're saying we're in it for the ENTIRETY of the Multiple Experience, whether the person involved is or is not a Multiple. Just that the conversation IS Multiple, more than about any one specific individual. I don't know though if we can say this WHEN in reality - the individuals' perspective is everything to the project.
One of the things we talked over with Dr. Marvin was that we weren't giving anyone answers in our comments, we were just putting out our perspective on the different things we were reading. While we are conscious of the "individual(s)" within each story we are more interested in what is to be learned of the communication being put out. And, then saying, "so what?" "What does this mean to me and how does it impact my world," and then, "How do I in return impact your world?"
One of the thoughts we had was maybe when we respond to make that point a little more clear. We could do this by saying each time SOMEthing like, we are just offering our point of view as one Multiple to others, not giving answers, but communicating that others like me also seek this kind of dialogue as being in a general conversation on Multiplicity. The major, "but factor," would be that the individual actually having the comment becomes rather a third factor on the other side of the person commenting and whoever would be the person next to read the "story" written and the first person commenting. It isn't about solving problems as much as being in a dialogue of various perspectives.
Obviously that is too long and would really have to be thought out, but just as an impulse thought, that is where we are at this moment, without studying it too deeply.
I don't think we've drilled down into the "problem" very well yet. Just at this point we're recognizing through a few comments Dr. Marvin made in that we're doing something different. We believe in the power to change course, and it is really exciting to think right now at this very moment,I we are working on defining not only our priorities, but our purpose. It's a little on the tricky side. Sorry for not coming to the table with all my eggs in place. I think this is again harder, or at least different being a Multiple because within us - there are more viewpoints, than the one being put down, which doesn't disqualify the first sets of thoughts, but immediately adds much more to the project as a whole. Basically, I know I say that word too much :(, BUT basically, there's always the possibility that a Multiple is at any time having a conversation with her different selves. I think Singletons can argue opposing viewpoints, but may not be in-tune with entirely new perspectives being felt/thought within seconds of each other, and sometimes, right on top of one another.
Ok, maybe I'm not making sense here ... we feel we're trying to capture something very fleeting. Ok, then we think ... let's start another focal point where do we want to go next. Think we have to review the statements just made again.
One of the little insights and I think we saw it too when commenting on something this week ... basically, are we looking at the question(s) being asked, or are we looking for statements made concerning the questions - and then too we have to define the person asking the question as to the person(s) making statements or points of view. And, we can recognize that a lot of time when someone says something, they are looking more for confirmation or affirmation maybe over their thought processes or maybe over a decision that they've already made, but still wonder about, did you hear what I said, and how I'm stuck on this point, or do you think this resolution will work? I think it much better to come up with another statement to give that person something to reflect on as he again looks to his or her own situation, then in trying to answer the literal questions. Pretty much its the process of "figuring" that becomes important ... not just the answer.
I think that's one of the reasons why we have so much difficulty in what Rich calls our "hobby." It's the process that we are doing write now in thinking through thoughts that is our real work. Sure we like to have our thoughts tested out by others ... are we where you are? What other experiences change the equations. But, somehow Rich hasn't sat down to really figure out "knowledge leadership," or "knowledge management." Basically, how do you take one set of thoughts and progress it to another. How do we move this parade down the street? Not meaning of course to make a quip about parades, as much as it does seem to be like a moving bundle of people, especially considering that social media in general moves at a very quick pace by people turning the next thought into the next thought, and on and on. You can see it in feeds like FB and Twitter where the words being put together by self or others, just keeps flowing from one person connect to the other. Even though the conversation isn't directly talking about one subject, the totality of subjects - quartered by the affiliates/friends that feed your feed progress as if writing the same paragraph from different fields of attention to detail.
While one person talks about their fine bloom of roses, (we all like to see that right?), another talks about a military person being soon laid to rest. Of course we want to give that attention, and then someone adds a favorite recipe. Ok, yes we all eat ... have to decide what's most appealing, and then someone shows a flurry of pictures about their Grandchild. OMG - aren't those precious. Somehow in the stream of "conversation" your mental life is flourishing. Or, maybe from another's perspective, being dulled. Hard to say, might be something decided in any one given point of time or particular current mind set. I know with both Twitter and FB that at any time one could be thought of as important and at another time, something just taking up time. I think this is more than being just a Multiple although that might be written into the conversation. I know that some parts of us have more interest in being social and others are more interested in learning or even processing. I do want to drop a note that we rarely do FB and Twitter evenly. Usually, it's more a priority to be in one over the other. I don't think FB really like it when people Twitter over to FB like we're doing, but then how could I mark our time and presence.
Hmm that's another thing we're doing now. You know that we are working on the three Scoop-it boards, and if you don't ... one is more on e-learning and social, one is considered our Multiple board, and the other is considered our NEWS board. The NEwS board has the information put out to Pinterest as we process the Google searches. The e-learning board is similar, but it and the Multiple board, are being fed more by Twittering. The business side of what we're doing - like socialization tools go to the e-learning board, and things that assist me like positive messages and helpful hints especially in psychology go to the Multiple board. Multiple board is more for the individual trying to understand him or herself better, where the NEWS (DID/MPD) is more to better understand the group or phenomenon of Multiplicity.
Hmm, maybe we've lost any discernible track again ... better skim up some more.
Mostly, I think, we're just getting random thoughts as parts collectively drop them on the laundry floor. Oh? laundry? Well, I don't know ... I suppose I could do some, AND the kitchen counter??? that's pushing things. I know we're just going to go back and trigger new thoughts and that can be done before or after picking up ... just it hadn't been in my mind as something we had to do? I know, I know balance *sigh*
Should note just as a time passer that the fireplace is off again and now the air is on. Got too warm! Rich may or may not come back this afternoon, we think one of his projects was to go back to the area of his old house to sign some insurance documents, and from there he might have met up with one or two of his sons, and the one sons family. I don't think he does too much planning ahead, so we don't know if that is happening, but no problem to us. We like our life with OR without him here :) It WOULD be the third night in a row he'd be out. That is more like how things used to be with all his ball games. I can appreciate that he's having a very involved life. He's still got me and his mother, but he's also got fishing people, poker people, and his family. Pretty cool all told.
Oh remind us when we get back that we also talked to Rich for quite a while because on the way home, my computer battery ran out and he hasn't gotten his new adapter yet. GRRR. Anyway ... there should be a conversation when we scroll to this line later on that Rich sounds like he's deciding to do more internal business from within the house (sunroom/garage) this winter and let go of some of his thoughts on getting a warehouse. He still might need some storage, and he has to work on heating the sunroom over the winter, but we'll see how that all next falls in place. He's really worrying about the money and says that within a couple months it could be desperate. I think he's going to need some time to insulate the sunroom. *sigh*
Ok, enough of that now too for a couple of minutes. We're going to find a load of clothes and some dishes to manage. BRB.
Hmm, well we're partly done. We've managed some good cleaning up in the kitchen and living room AND we got the dishwasher started, but our back started hurting too much to do the extra standing/walking for Laundry. We'll rest up and then do it when we get up next time to use the bathroom :) That be a good Ann, right!??
Rich will be happy to see some progress. I'm thinking by now there is two loads to wash ... still don't go over that very often. Trying to cool down now. It is just after noon and we've traded Herbalife and coffee for a tall glass of sprite with ice cubes. We did pretty good eating this morning. We just had for an extra some cheese and an apple. W/O caramel - oh I didn't tell you that sweet piece of news! Rich brought a WHOLE container!!! of caramel in the house. I'm thinking he's thinking for the apples picked this week, but I'm like nope - straight up for us! Shhhh... Not to be known!
Ok, lets go back right away to the section on Rich working parts from home - I think that is the better solution and I was glad to hear he's going to fortify the house more (heat/electric) than to spread it out over a big warehouse, where he'd have to be gone all the time. I will still have to make clear that I'm not going to turn into a production person. I didn't take the job. I did recommend and we discussed favorably that sometimes he could hire Don to work with if he needed assistance. I think Don really appreciated the extra cash from lawn mowing and would love to work with Rich. He just seems to be a guy who needs friends. I think it would work if they could get in good work hours without doing too much talking, because that would be distracting. I think Rich would love to have someone working under him who he could trust and I think he trusts Don. I think he will worry about Don's age, but Don seems to be a fairly strong guy for his age and most the work is sitting down processing things.
It would mean that my space is a little encroached and that I'll have to dress differently, but that' probably a good thing for us, though we'll probably complain anyway :(
We LIKE working in PJS!
Hmm, maybe that is enough of that for awhile. We did tease him about putting Joe and Jerry to work too, but think it won't go THAT far! It is kinda funny. There are young kids kitty corner from us to the north and south, but I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest between me and Rich, Don and his wife, Jerry, and Joe and HIS wife. Still haven't put out too many thoughts in getting us all together - that whole piece is scaring me ... don't want to go there at all. Ok, moving on! Anything about the house?
I do think that Rich is finding that we're not going to be able to take care of the entire roof, and that we might have to do with just getting the $1300 some done as soon as possible. He might add a little more, and he wants to do other than the insurance is saying too, but if he doesn't fix that ... they won't pay to have it done later down the line. I don't want him to mess with it. He now has his loan between him and his ex taken care of, and I think he just needs to sign the papers, and send out the money for taxes, but he's doing some progressive things so we're going to be happy. I think he's a little jealous of Don, because Don is getting his whole roof done, but the same company couldn't convince the same from OUR insurance people. Gotta let that go. My thought is we do the best we can with money we do have - Rich tried a few places, but he doesn't have what needs to be done to get a reasonable loan for the roof, so again our thought is that he only worries about what the insurance company says, and lets the rest go. If the roof falls in ... THEN the insurance people will take care of it, right? I know you want to do that early, but you can only do what you can do.
I think Rich is down on himself because of money, but the truth is he's still paying for TWO households. That is not going to change anytime soon. I'm still happier to have him than not, happy with our place EVEN though it's a mobile home. Keep repeating - double home WITH 9 rooms, over 2000 square feet. PLEASE let that go now ... we're doing great - BECAUSE it's ALLL PAID for! There's some problems with envy going down any which street SOMEtimes, but most the time we just feel relief. If Rich is going to start retiring into a slower pace, then we just have to live within our means. I don't think he'd admit it, but the amount of time he takes to get things done that are personal - like taking care of his mother, our household like shopping, his activities for fun, and time put into relaxing with the TV, well I know he'd argue, but he doesn't spend as much time working working as he should ... Just he's doing as much as he can and as long as he's primary caregiver to his mother, me, AND his ex ... just don't see it as getting better. I try not to have things he has to do for me and we give him control over our money ... so feel better that where the other two are just taking, we are giving.
That was a source of conversation for us driving through Brookfield yesterday. We were going from Dr. Marvin's (he'd seen a customer in-between) to the bank. We had asked him where he was going to get the money for taxes. And, then we gave him a sorta hard time because he wasn't asking, he was telling. Basically, he owes $2,100 so he's taking $1000 out of his and our savings, he's taking $500 from me, and he's paying $600 from his own account. I know downhearted that if he needs anything I got ... it's his, but we were working through the point, that he should have asked if it was ok with us. He wanted to just look at it as he needs it and I'm supposed to trust him no matter what he does with the money. But, it was a sore spot, and we recognized it would be down the future until he asked officially. That way I can't hold it over him later when I get mad because there isn't enough money for what I want. Basically, a gift is a gift, and if something is given, then I'll never have recourse to come back at him again. I hadn't so far, but know enough about ourselves that we were still feeling bad, we didn't have a choice where the money would go. Letting us choose Rich, was the right thing to do ... and before we got to the bank, we told him that he'd probably get a favorable answer. I'm pretty sure there is pride involved too, but dammit ... it WAS my money! I'm glad though he can use it ... just worry more about why he needed to. And, that's what we mean by seeing there are things that are taking up his time that should go into business.
We feel if he can recognize that his life is fine - that it's honorable he's taking care of his mother, me and ex, AND that he gets time to play (tv/sports/games), and he's the major contributor to this household, well then no matter what he makes ... he's having a pretty good life. I know at this point though he's angry and frustrated with himself. Even though he controls what happens in his day to day life, he still feels put upon, and maybe there rightly so. I can do most of the household and pay for most of the direct household needs, he and Don have taken on the outside, and he still does shopping/cooking, but he still has to be the "boss" most likely because we have young parts and because he's a natural caregiver. We try to make the whole system responsible for feeding cats, and taking medicine, and creating a nice atmosphere for him, but we and he both know that at the present they dynamics work that he can make decisions for the both of us - like he does with our money. We know that in an argument as to whether medicine gets taken, he has the right perspective and the bottom line. Maybe though that part is Dr. Marvin too. In our better time ... of course we're taking medicine that's part of our situation. At worser times BLAH!
As to the other two women? ANOTHER BLAH ... they just keep taking and taking with nothing in return.
Anyway ... just got back again ... we picked up a few more things, washed some surfaces, and started the laundry ... shoot ... for got the medicine ... didn't we just go over this? BRB
Ok GOOD! That parts done too. The next thing would be to make the bed. The clothes are already picked up, but there's some folded clean clothes that still need to be hung-up ... probably should try to do that today too. That would REALLY be a good ANN!
Plus, since we put away the back pack AND put away the apples, we discovered that Rich had given us some red Twizzlers yesterday ... so NOW we get treated with finishing them! WooHOO! Did GREAT!
Just say no though to the kitty who appears interested! :(
Ok, what's next besides making the bed. I'm thinking we had come to an end of the conversation with Rich, right? The only thing I want to add here is that the one way we can help him not feel put upon is to make sure we do the things to make the household seem nice. Right?
Ok, this is verging on a topic of taking care of Rich? Hmm, that MiGHT be worth noting here as a conversation to have??! I don't know.
In most things in life ... people are supposed to take care of themselves. But, somehow household encompasses the lives of, in our situation, TWO lives. We do like a clean place, but then again there are other parts, who don't mind a stack of dirty dishes. We know the RIGHT answer is to always keep the dishwasher processing. Ok, a million years have gone into why we can do this sometimes and not others. But, the bottom line as a system, we prefer a clean house even if sometimes we don't mind the other. Maybe because of those other times, we dissociate seeing the house not picked-up, so aren't really living the full house experience?
Maybe that has some truth ... when was the last time we dared to go out on the lawn? Been awhile, hasn't it? Grrr... Ok, we're not going to press boundaries here, but the thing is that we do like a clean house - YES! Established that! AND, what's more is that RICH appreciates a clean house. We're never far from getting it back to normal clean, but does this mean when we leave the house messy like not making beds, then we are saying to Rich AND us ... we're not taking care of you! Hmm, interesting. Seems like a good strong statement.
So, lets ponder that for a moment. To make a daring statement like, "I'm not taking care of you!" might be where we are, or at least get to sometimes. Where are we at, if not who are we when we make that statement? It seems at one part it is when we feel too busy with other things, usually things on the computer. Yes, we have to have a conversation too, on trying to sew something. Could mean FINALLY getting our sewing machine in? That's a whole other conversation on why that's so difficult. But, for this conversation? The where part is that we're usually on our comfy chair, and only SOMEtimes sitting on the office chair. We seem to prefer the little computer over the big, because we like the cushy part and putting our feet up.
Shoot shoot. We're not going to get into the weight/exercise problems again! At least not now. Ok, sure ... we've heard that before and frequently enough.
We must have needed some switching up because we disappeared for a few moments. Someone answered email and Pinterest - Yay RAINBOWS! And, someone furthered the laundry, AND made the bed. YAY ANNS!
We also used the washroom and got ourselves a fresh diet coke. I guess that's enough of the excitement for a while. The next time up we'll have to fold the dryer "colored" clothes, AND we have to arrange some time for hanging up the folded clothes. Let me think ... unless we were going to run the vacuum in the sitting room and the sun room, AND maybe the kitchen, I think the clothes putting away comes next. Lets see ... clothes or vacuuming? Rich would be impressed with both. Hmm, it's only 2:16 pm, maybe there is time for both. Which then first? Think vacuuming is the harder of the two, maybe we should do that first. We want to sweep too the parts under the cupboard floor board. AND, then maybe we could actually wash the floor? Hmm, I wonder when Rich is coming home. Haven't heard from him for a while. I think the kitchen floor REALLY could use a wash! AND, we could use the SHARK! WooHOO!!!
Ok, maybe not EVERYone's cup of tea, but we're feeling pretty good. AHA! There's the thing! First popcorn, AND THEN ... we can vacuum, AND THEN wait for clothes to dry AND THEN fold and put away, AND THEN wash kitchen floor, AND THEN fold towels. How much time are we talking? Might bring us up to 5 pm with all the ins and outs. I'm thinking if Rich isn't in soon, he's going to be out for the evening ... basically, not stopping back here before getting a visit in with his sons. Probably should call. Ok, popcorn AND CALL!
Good good ... done it and back! We made popcorn, and now have something to do with our pop - popcorn AND diet coke ... THE BEST! Rich was accessible ... he had a couple hard meetings, but it seems like his main workshop now is doing ok. He said he's headed back this way, but he has to do something ... hmm already forgot. But after that then he's seeing his mother. He said, oh I know ... he has to stop by his mother's doctor for prescriptions, and then he's going to her place, and then he said he'd be home about 4:30 - 5 pm and we'll have dinner together. He made an appointment for Tuesday to see that insurance agent, and then his younger son will be off work so they can visit. It's a plan :)
He says that his mother is depressed, so that probably means she's talking about not being here anymore ... she goes through a withdrawal process when the booze is taken away, but both times Rich arranged for and took her to a psychologist, she decided she didn't want anything to do with that. And, then she refuses medicine and food unless she gets booze, so it's like a bad cycle. Just keeps repeating.
Rich seemed still firm with his path taken with his mother, but I can tell he's feeling bad for her too. She just can't put together a life without hurting herself no matter how much help she is given. Can't save someone from themselves ... you just try to cover the sharp corners.
That's kind of a depressing set of thoughts. And, we're concerned too ... in that someone talked to Rich's brother about us writing about their mother. we've stopped mentioning her on FB, but have not here. She's such an integral part of our daily life that it's hard to tell our story without tell hers. Her name is protected and we don't say anything that's not true, and if we said nothing than her story wouldn't be heard. For now ... we're going on as we have, just being cautious, because we don't want to separate more of the family with bad feelings. Rich's brother talked to Rich, but maybe we'll hear it from him direct if he would be around. Just that's not very often.
Ok, moving on...
Just finished the popcorn. Thinking that I might take a couple of moments and do the vacuuming. Feel sort of in the mood, you know? Nothing can get hurt with good ol' work, right?
Owe, owe, owe. My back hurts bad :( BUT, I did the three rooms that needed it most. Mostly though just over the rough spots. Lots of stuff - grass dragged into the sunroom from Rich being outside and mowing the grass. I just don't understand how so much dried grass can cover the sun room carpet. The carpet is red too so it really shows up. All better. Next will be to fold clothes and put towels in dryer, then maybe even wash the kitchen floor ... that be a good thing, right? I'd want to get that done before Rich comes in and starts cooking in the kitchen. I couldn't do it after he got home, but I could hang clothes after he came in. Seems like the plan then.
Ok, what's next? I don't know if we ever finished the Dr. Marvin part. I think we covered quite a bit of what was talked about, but we didn't say anything really about the conversation on the conversation as stated in Learnist. He was looking at September 9th board #2. I think the most important part there is that I really felt like I needed someone to listen to what was happening there. In a good part too because we were a little mopey as to not only the progress, but because it is such a solo project. And, sometimes in our weaker spaces, we wonder what everything is all worth. I know this is mostly parts like me (Corey), and Ann, and I think Jamie gets a little frustrated with it because some of the questions appear ignorant. BUT, we have to say there is not such a thing as a bad question. Just shows our own intolerance for what is going on out there.
Some of the things that the 9-9-13 #2 board covers? Hmm, maybe I could condense the list and then go from there. Part of the problem is being able to hold the "whole" of the responses together as we go onto the next part. Like are we making any headway. Let me see if we can do it fairly briefly. Hold on ...
Ok, making progress, but had to go fold some clothes. *sigh* ... 10 down, 15 left for that group. Hmm, Missy is trying to lay on my arm now ... that's going to get really old fast. Just doesn't help with the typing and I can't imagine our bouncing fingers are doing her much good, plus she's laying on the arm I need to get my drink from *sigh* ... isn't life always like that? Better get back to the other task before we lose focus. Maybe we'll figure out something with it?
03 - A Multiple reviews his connections to several parts - trying not to be w/o feeling overwhelmed. 9-9-13 #2
04 - A scared Multiple is overwhelmed because she's remember things triggering her parts in the present as well as the past and that some things are being forgotten, so looks to a social circle to confirm her reality. 9-9-13 #2
05 - A Multiple asks about rapid switching as an explanation why she sometimes feels out of control and questions the feelings of separation from a part who is depressed. 9-9-13 #2
06 - A Multiple talks about how her therapy program isn't working for all aspects of her life and the limitations of the services being offered, or her own condition i.e. transportation, money 9-9-13 #2
07 - A Multiple asked for validation of self after being intimidated by parts switching especially over trauma memories being different for each. 9-9-13 #2
08 - A Multiple shares her excitement when she "gets" to feel emotions (from a scary movie) because finally she felt the experience as hers and not a part. 9-9-13 #2
11 - A Multiple made a joke out of dreaming about killing people and getting a cup of chocolate milk as near parallel ideas. 9-9-13 #2
12. A Multiple asks about recovering from a graphic flashback and then accepting being back in the body. 9-9-13 #2
13 - A new Multiple (knowing she has 12 alters) returns to a forum stating she's getting along pretty well with her parts and noting she has to get back to school work. 9-9-13 #2
14 - A Multiple in therapy is sharing co-consciousness and is concerned over who is the "real person" between her and the other part though is feeling negative emotions and unable to talk during therapy. 9-9-13 #2
17 - A Multiple presents work curated from the internet as to the use of the term DID/MPD contrasting it to the stereotypical ill-informed manner it is usually published and explained. 9-9-13 #2
18 - An artistic Multiple who also writes struggles with having many states of lucid and non-lucid times and ability to perform or not perform and asks if others experience the same. 9-9-13 #2
19 - A Multiple timidly asks if anyone else has experienced internal pregnancy's that were not actual pregnancies particularly around times she is flashbacking, or if the process signified the activity of a new part. 9-9-13 #2
22 - One Multiple questions if her reality is shared with others who also feel very different from others and has been trapped with subliminal messages an entire lifetime. 9-9-13 #2
B. Someone asserting personal knowledge/relationship with a Multiple
01 - A dissociative partner is being psychology and physically rebuffed by girlfriend who is Multiple and claiming she needs more space in a shared household. 9-9-13 #2
10 - Someone is fearfully asking if her husband can be dropped from the army because he was showing indications of being a Multiple. 9-9-13 #2
23 - Someone who used to be in a relationship with a Multiple and was spurned asks for assistance in understanding her situation which is leaving her feeling lost and confused. 9-9-13 #2
C. Someone is asserting he or she has knowledge of Multiplicity (whether or not a Multiple)
16 - Someone talks about the lack of consensus in diagnosing and treating DID which is especially troubling because so many Multiples don't end in Integration and include long treatment periods, co-morbid diagnosis, and managed care. 9-9-13 #2
21 - Someone discusses different tests that are reported to assist in diagnosing Multiplicity. 9-9-13 #2
D. Someone asking questions (unknown as a Multiple or Singleton)
02 - Someone asks is MPD always caused from a trauma, or only sometimes. 9-9-13 #2
09 - Someone asks the symptoms/signs of "multi-personality" disorder 9-9-13 #2
15 - Someone asks if Trinitarian Christians believe that Yahweh is multiple because he has 3 parts. 9-9-13 #2
20 - Someone asks if Multiplicity is the Holy Grail of Psychiatry, because of all the people who don't believe in it. 9-9-13 #2
Whoops! Somehow it now got to be morning ... better get this one posted. We have to leave in an hour for Dr. Marvin's appointment. Always look forward!
Oh yeah ... review the above NEXT post :)