(New Symbol for our new Multiple Group called, "Plural Activism" Beauty isn't it!!
Friday, October 11, 2013 @ 6:42 am
Good morning. This is just us. AND, it's a Friday WOOHOO!!! Maybe a kick-back from older days, but we still like when we feel we have reached the end of the week. I hate to say it too, but to us it signifies a little free time in that it is four days off (for good behavior) between having seen Dr. Marvin and seeing him again. By NO MEANS does this mean we don't want to see him, but it is work seeing him, because he questions our reality some time, plus there is the 3 hours of driving time. Sometimes we come home pretty tired. Rich didn't get home until late last night so we fell asleep for a good couple of hours. Maybe that's why we woke-up so early today? No, Really early ... just before 3 am. We came in and out of dozing and shuffling around of the cat on our lap, but basically, it's still too early to be up - just had trouble sleeping. Hmm, this is becoming a jumbled mess. Let's start again.
Good morning, we are the persons you talked to a few seconds ago :)
Ok, now we're just being silly.
Anyway ... today should be a good day, and I think a little later on, we're going to try doing some housework. I noted that the colored bag of clothes is full - to just about overflowing. Can't have that. The bedroom is in a little disorder because we've reused some clothes and haven't decided they are dirty enough to send to the basket. Basically, I have two jeans, a jean skirt and one or two sweat pants to see us through winter and I'm afraid to lose any of it to the wash, because it might leave me with nothing. I know personal personal ... but, by now you know we write about whatever comes to our mind and at this second it is cleaning and laundry. We should have enough dirty dishes to run the dishwasher ... because it wasn't run yesterday, and I'm pretty sure there is some random vacuuming to do. It be really nice to run the shark - cleaner on the other half of the sitting room floor. I think if Rich leaves, then we'll do that.
He hasn't talked about the sunroom again since before, but still thinking he might get a table for under the window facing the front-side yard. He also talked about bringing in my drafting table to be used as a desk. BUT, we're thinking now that as long as he's buying one table he should buy two of the same kind ... There's no reason he couldn't use a conference table as a desk. It wouldn't have drawers, but he's only used them for storage of "dead" stuff anyway. Maybe it is a good alternative for the time being for a desk for him. I know I haven't been using my cutting board, but I really do like that drafting table where it is. It's a "go to" space. It's like we've claimed territory and don't want to lose it now ... It would include the space I've claimed on the wicker shelves for the fabric.
Hmm, what would it take? Not sure ... not willing to go there yet. Still the sewing machine sits in the car *sigh* Maybe today it will come in? Maybe tomorrow?
Just have to keep trying til something happens ...
Moving on ... let's see ... shoot, shoot. already about 7 am. That means that we have to take our medicine. I hate that when it happens. Hmm, maybe I COULD use the washroom too? Ok, full out break ... gees haven't even started really and we're already breaking. Shhhh - just go do it ... Yes ma'am.
Ok, back! Rosey-cheeked ... all done. Hmm ... that's kind of funny. Both me earlier, and Rich now checked out the same news story off of aol news about somebody in GB having discovered a 19th century dungeon under his flat. Rich said that i wouldn't like it and I would probably make him move. BUT, then again ... we do get a little greedy for space. Ok, well maybe not.
Chief is back and we're arguing for space again ... if he doesn't get to sit on my chest, he wants to slide from one of the two armrests into my lap (against my forearm) ... we're like NO! You weigh too much to be sleeping on our typing hands/arms. He thinks though we're being a little cold. He will also sleep on our footrest, but that's his last choice. Hmmm, one other choice. Sometimes he sleeps on the top of the chair back. I don't know what mood he has to be in before he goes up there. I'm thinking it's a dominance position though. That be no good! Now he's turned toward our keyboard, but with his eyes mostly shut. This can't be coming off as a surprise to him that we type? Had always thought of him as a writer's cat for being able to put up with it, but it's not without some argumentation. He likes jumping up first thing when we're still doing more reading than writing. THAT's the time I will put up with his weight on my arms. Ok, don't go be painting me the bad guy ... I still co-own this place!
Ok, ok ... we didn't move on enough ... Dammit ... we stretched and then he came over and laid down really fast ... he's still on alert because he most likely knows he pulled it off. We were like WHAT!?? What?!! What do you think your doing? But, now feel a little guilty ... though THAT's pressed up against our weighted arms and having a hard time seeing over his back and definitely not able to see our fingers ... you know placement of home row keys. Shoot ... now he's on a full-out stretch laying on our left hand. Why is he being so difficult. You would think he not like all the bouncing around he's going through. We're typing pretty assertively too. GRRRR...
Ok, now what do we do ... I know he has rights too, and there is some value to fuzziness. Ok, ok ... solved that ... he's off our lap again ... we couldn't shuffle him around so that he wasn't putting his paw on the touch pad. Now THAT certainly isn't going to work. I guess it's a matter of figuring out whose priorities trump whose. Too important not to lose work with him at the keyboard too! HMPF!
PLEASE let's move on???!
Ok, let's think what's the other tidbit news to discuss before we can get to something that are a little more serious? Let's see ... it's been a week since we've last blogged. This seems to be coming out more as a confession. The biggest thing that has happened since the last time writing and now is that Rich's mother overwhelmed the situation again. During the week ... thinking it might have been Saturday night, she got drunk again. Rich had removed five bottles from the house that week and dumped them, but where there is a will there is a way. So, she got drunk again, and this time fell and broke her neck. It turned out to be a hairline fracture, and the other result of the fall was that there was bleeding in the brain. We're still not sure of how that has affected her, but Rich said yesterday that she's having trouble with some of her thinking processes. It's too early to tell though. They decided for whatever reason - I'm sure in part to her age, but that she did not need surgery, especially due to her age.
Rich had gotten the call from life alert about 10:30 pm that night ... he had been at his mother's twice, once to check up on things in the morning, and then he'd gone back to fix her dinner and assure she was eating. The drinking started after he left. He hadn't found the last bottle. He met the paramedics over at her house and they noticed an abnormality in her neck and braced it right away. They brought her to the hospital, and Rich called on his way over to give us an update. About 12:30 am (I'd gone back to sleep), he came home and was going to take a quick shower, because they decided to transfer her to a much bigger medical center in Rockford - about an hour and a half NW of here. They were going to bring her by helicopter, but it had started to rain.
Damn cat is now leaning on my arm/elbow thinking he's sneakier than me :( We'll give him a few moments.
Anyway, she went to ICU at St. Anthony in Rockford. We saw her on Sunday with Rich and of all the stupid things Bud shows up and Rich's mother was like he's here to take care of me ... ok, that's just our assumption ... more of that in a few moments, but will try to be very condensed with it because it gets our system so mad. Anyway, Rich, Bud, his daughter Karen, and us were all there ... and things happened, but after a day or so she was moved to a regular room, and then yesterday - Thursday, she was moved to another facility in Rockford for rehabilitation. I guess in today's world things get moved along pretty fast.
Rich said something about keeping her there for 13 days. I don't know how they can know that stuff ahead of time unless it has something to do with funding or some other protocol. Rich went to the hospital on Monday got home late, then went the next day with his son Jon to the hospital, there was one more day he brought Bud, and then got home late, and then yesterday he did the transition move and took Bud along and got home late. Bud, wanted him to stop at the store before dropping him off.
The short story of all that is that we're extremely angry at Bud's role in his wife's life now. There was some bad interacting at the hospital with the four of us all there. The highlights was that he was being belittling - trying to Narcissistic-ally dominate. He did it by trying to force her like training a bad puppy to leave her arms down by her side ... she was doing nothing wrong with them. Just periodically in a daze she'd slowly reach up to touch the edges of the brace. He didn't appear also to be liking that we were sitting next to her and holding her hand. And, he was being critical of most things that Rich and I said and ridiculed Rich when he got a chance ... on one item several times - like 3-4 times. It had to do with him not telling Rich the lawnmower (his 3rd of 6) didn't have breaks which sent Rich toward a wall. Karen and he kept repeating how funny that was. It was NOT a good joke in our book that Rich could have been hurt. They use it to demoralize him like he's got no brain, and sure aren't they smarter than him.
There was a lot of anger toward them (Bud and Rich's mother) both being at home, but he then again left because she was yelling at him for ignoring her - being outside. I think we have more of a handle on it now, but mostly just in saying we're not going to dwell on it. He's an Idiot with a CAPITAL I. We've talked it over with Dr. Marvin several times and it's caused more than one fight between Rich and us this week. It's gotten to a point that Dr. Marvin asked yesterday if he should try talking to Rich. It took us from mopey to smiley in a couple of seconds flat. We did bring it up with Rich again, but he was in another yelly mood and it didn't go over well. Again more of that later.
One way or another to the whole business of Rich, his mother, his step-father, and Bud's daughter/family ... we're like taking a position that we don't want anything to do with it. We are definitely not in support of Bud, we think he's manipulative, dominating, self-centered and egotistical. This is not to say that Rich's Mom isn't also responsible. In that sense ... the description for Bud could easily apply to her too except she adds being an alcoholic. It's a very bad scene. Rich is trying to hold it together, but he is going as far to say that his mother isn't going to be able to drink because he's got that problem resolved. We said she's an alcoholic, and she's always going to work on getting that next drink. He said then that we're negative and then we get yelled at for it, though we say he's not being realistic. I said EVERY time home she's proven she can't handle it, and that she needs to have the safety of a nursing home, he thinks every time that it will be different and wants her to have her freedom and choice. And, then he says we're blaming him for her drinking, which we have NEVER said!
That's pretty much it, but he's very defensive as to her and him not having problems, and now he's saying that I just have problems with old people ... he says we hate old people. BUT, that's not the case ... we do hate people with psychiatric problems trying to control our thoughts, and behaviors, AND we don't like it that they are both controlling Rich. As far as we can see we're thousands of dollars in debt because he is spending all his working time on taking care of them, gets nothing out of it, comes home angry, and then dumps it on us. Thing is now he doesn't want to hear what we have to say - he just wants us to "back-him-up" as doing the right thing, but we can't always do that, because he's in over his head. This week he said several times he's at a breaking point, but he's not doing anything to resolve it. After we talked about going in to see Dr. Marvin - because of our relationship issues under the added stress, he started yelling about no one - understanding that he doesn't have time. In our book you always have time to take care of yourself. And, if you don't, you need to make time.
We have our own share of problems, because this whole business of being seen without being heard is exactly what we had faced as a kid. AND, it lines up with my Father's mythology of the part - where our problem is that we wanted to think ... and we weren't to do that because he was the father and he's doing all the thinking. Rich is saying the same thing. He can recognize - well he can recognize "venting," he doesn't want to use the word dumping, but if we are not talking - both getting a chance to work through it ... it's a dump.
It's like a sharing of the problems - everyone is overwhelmed, so we're going to share that ... I'm thinking that if we have boundaries and say we'll only accept such and such the other can take care of their own mess. If everyone thinks that we don't have anything important to say, then STOP talking to us! Your doing us NO favors. Basically, it starts with Rich's mother and Bud - if they are in crisis and they are - no ability to get along, then it's everyone else's duty to be in a crisis with them? Just don't think I have to be in THEIR crisis. It's hard though because as soon as Rich come through the door HE'S in THEIR crisis and trying to make it mine.
I tend to see more black and white ... she made this choice, so then this happened, so now these are our options, then we make a choice, and head down this path. Rich thinks we're cold and calculating, but we're like not wanting to get into the drama. I think she is fine for example handling herself for a day without Rich so he can go fishing. She's gotten herself injured again ... has 24 hour care, and Rich is like noo noo ... she needs me. I think that's just a bad psychological trap ... it fosters co-dependency. She screams she's in pain - we think ok ... you broke your neck what do you expect. He's like I need to be there ... and we're like "why?"
He's now talking to Bob and they are discussing that he's not going fishing with the guys because he has to be there for his mother, and now he has to be there to take Bud to see her. We're so ABSOLUTELY angry as far as anything to do with him ... I WASN'T the one to abandon her for FIVE months. Because she's being so medicated now he thinks he's in control, but nothing will change ... she'll just be angry again as she gets stronger. She can't drink or smoke here though so we're thinking she's not really motivated to participate. I understand she's supposed to be rehabbing 3 hours a day. Rich said the option is to go into full bedridden care at a different kind of nursing home than Willowcrest - the one here in Sandwich. I'm thinking if that's her choice, let her make it. BUT, I'm under no illusion that anything is better between her and Bud. They both want to say I'm sicker than you ... Like on the day that this accident happened, Rich's mother wanted Bud to stay over, he didn't they both thought they were each in need of care more than the other, and now Bud's acting like he's in control and taking care, but the reality is that now they BOTH have nurses and doctors to be getting both their needs met - hers physically and psychologically and his needs psychologically and they BOTH now have Rich ... so instead of having less problem now that she has 100% care, now Rich is expected to be taking care of Bud?
Hmm, Rich just had a medium size interview with the new place she's in. I said something that he'd forgotten and he gave me a nasty look ... he hadn't mentioned there was any problems between her and her husband although he could say she was lonely. To not say that her husband walked out on her 5 months ago? Shoot, but now here we are again ... just feeling angry. For the time that he was talking with the representative, I just stared off ... I have to be able to resolve myself to not caring what's going on, or expect that I can talk in this relationship. I don't know what to do anymore ... it seems that all I'm doing in life now is withdrawing. I don't see an end to that in sight, with the exception of having the Multiple world and Dr. Marvin.
It seems that Rich and us can be friendly and we're like ok in space, until he decides that he's in it alone again ... and that what I have to adjust to is himself making his own boundary just circling his mother and step-father. I have to put myself somewhere psychologically that doesn't hurt. It feels much the way it used to where there weren't people to talk to that felt safe. But, that's just where we are at right now.
I don't know ... there should be a point of going on, but not sure where that next space is going to be. Family and friends are each into their own worlds, and the world other than Dr. Marvin, I'm comfortable in is sitting in the recliner comfortably with feet up - yes, usually a cat around, and being on this computer. When my mind is just between my brain and the keyboard - I don't feel so alone. I do have to ask ourselves are we as bad as people are thinking we are? I don't know how to even define that. I don't feel we're meeting other's expectations, but because no one can do this space ... it has to be something done alone. There are a few who might even go as far to read what we think and say, but there is no feedback and trust has eroded. I don't think we'd go back even if we could.
What's going to happen in our relationship to Rich? I don't see us as separating, but I think we have to be more selective of parts who are out with him. He really seems to want us to be quiet and docile. Thinking much more like Lissa than anything else. But, it is a shovel-smack to the egos of the more older parts ... If they can hold their boundary, they will survive being quieter, but if they can't ... I don't know ... They've got to be alright. There is a lot of emotion to what we sense is being asked of us. Again ... my father ... don't think ... I (he the older person AND male) will do the thinking. It's the same for Rich ... don't think ... I (the older male) will do the thinking. I don't know what to say of our feelings to know that whatever you say is making people angry and distant. I know part of that feeling of anger and needing distance is coming from me. I don't want people to look at us and think she's an idiot and doesn't know what she's talking about. It makes us sick to think we disturb people to that degree that they'd rather have us say nothing than have to deal with whatever we're saying and thinking. I have to think ... what is wrong with me - since there are so many WE are estranged from ... I have to imagine that it is us and not the others. I just don't feel we belong. I know we've held personal opinions and we've been vocal. Just if others think your always wrong, then why would we put ourselves up continually for them to disregard - if on one side there is a face saying civil things, but then to know they turn their back and believe different. I don't know just too much for us. We'd really rather be on our own. As long as we're tied to a computer and safeties and not focusing on others in 3D world, we should be ok?
I don't know have to evaluate that too I suppose. Could I be hurting others by my thinking? The most important thing to us right now is the curating and with that comes the responsibility of synthesizing and putting things back out there for others who are interested to find.
I don't think we told you, but something happened this week. We paid with our quilting money for a one month course by Harold Jarche (Canada) for Personal Knowledge Management. Wait ... I'll copy/paste the "playbill."
Shoot the real page we want you to see is too big ... we're going to just leave the link here for it
"Personal Knowledge Management (PKM) is a set of processes, individually constructed, to help each of us make sense of our world, and work more effectively.
PKM skills can help to make sense of, and learn from, the constant stream of information that workers encounter from social channels both inside and outside the organization. Keeping track of digital information flows and separating the signal from the noise is difficult. There is little time to make sense of it all. We may feel like we are just not able to stay current and make informed decisions. PKM gives a framework to develop a network of people and sources of information that one can draw from on a daily basis. PKM is a process of filtering, creating, and discerning, and it also helps manage individual professional development through continuous learning.
Suitable for anyone who wants to improve their sense-making and knowledge-sharing skills.
This 4 week online social workshop covers the following topics:
PKM framework: understanding the Seek:Sense:Share model to take control of your professional development
Personal network mapping: examining your networks for diversity to improve your own sense-making abilities
Sense-making: finding your own unique way to make sense of information flows around you
Finding your own voice: establishing a routine that works in the long run
Find out more about how the workshop runs on the Workshop page."
Jarche, H. (2013). Personal knowledge management workshop. Retrieved from http://connectedworkplace.co.uk/workshops/personal-knowledge-management/
So, basically that is the sum and substance of it, but it is so much more. We've done various things this week, but the greatest weight has fallen here in signing-up for the course, and then in doing more research on the topic - especially the parts on curation. We ran into one VERY good article by someone who had curated the curators - he listed an interview with the other top 11 people (he'd be the 12th) who he really considered to be the best and he thought were really making a difference out there in the curating world. At that point, I connected as much as we could through Twitter to the group, but as well - all of this group came from the Scoop-it site and so we tried our best to connect to the boards we thought most usable to us.
Wow! That was major. I guess I didn't realize - well they changed format too at Scoop-it, but I hadn't realized that the main Scoop-it page ran like Pinterest and Facebook as to having a home page which is a feed of everyone that you've signed in to watch. WOW! What a terrific lot of knowledge flowing through there. I will have to take some time to study it, but don't want to overwhelm ourselves either. We knew that today our first priority would be in writing this blog entry as long and as cumbersome as it might get. LOTS of thoughts this week.
Back again ... just used washroom and made ourselves an Herbalife shake, plus took some of the Herbal medicine ... we'll see I like the part of starting each day new and that we can make a difference. It' now about 9:30 am btw. Rich is just coming out of his shower. My understanding was that he'd be leaving about 11 am. We'll see ... never know when he's going to revamp his schedule.
But, as to the last of those thoughts we were having a second ago ... we now know that we are going to be getting a good feed of people we like to watch, or new people we are just starting to watch, but also we know that we don't have to do a lot of "re-curating." their stuff ... I don't know maybe, but basically, it is going to be more important to read-it and understand it because their work is already being curated for me. At least that's the sense we are making of it now. Something nice happened to in that one of the 12 curators wrote us a nice note for twittering something of hers. Her name is Cendrine Marrouat. I think she's a French Canadian, but most important ... she really seems to know her stuff and she's connected to a very important group of people in this field. I don't know what's going to go on for our own identification, because primarily we're identifying with the Multiplicity, but as to building a community - we'll talk about more of this later, but as to community-building they've got the structure that I think will be fundamental to our efforts. It's just very exciting.
(Adding a side note - we're editing the next morning and just before Rich got home, we checked our Tweet-deck and Cendrine had sent a really nice personal message asking if there was anything she could do to help us in our curating pursuits. Rich had come home so we only had a few moments, but sent back and forth a couple of tweets with her. SOOOO exciting! I think she's brilliant, but she was saying there was really not much to curating except that it took a lot of time. She seems to be making sense to us already. I'm not sure of Canadian time, but it was very cool we were online at the same time! WooHOO!!!)
Going back to Jarche's work, his strongest "selling-point," we believe is in building up knowledge networks - so basically, is then using curating to cover his seeking process and he considers "sensing" is basically some form of comprehension of the work being collected, and then he works toward putting the new results back out in the community WHICH is exactly what we're doing. Jarche though seems to see the process at another point down the continuum so things I'm asking about now - like time management - he seems to have a firm grasp in and already realizes like most likely the honored 12, that it takes a long time and a lot of dedication. I don't know if any of the 12 are earning an income from it or if its more just something they do, but one of the 12 has more than 1 million clicks on his material. They are like REALLY out there. I can't believe there are also so many people to have come across all this in a more conscious way than me. Not that I would expect myself to be faster, but more it's a sudden realization how big this thing is out there, at least for a certain facet of people. We'll have to do a little better this week at estimating how much of this is out there. Connecting to the twelve though is pretty major, connecting to Cendrine just amazing to find a new heroine and then ... there she is, AND we're in communication!
Last night, we also got a retweet on the 12 from what we had tweeted from a couple of people way up the intellectual stamina level - doctors and such, and then we had an interesting "favorite" from another link we had retreated dealing with how neurons communicating. The person was part of an organization based at MIT who had developed some kind of mind/coloring program/game to deal with neurons firing paths. Also from that connection we were brought aware of a big MIT thing going on for 30 hours of bringing like at least 3000 super smart people together to make new products competitively, but yet cooperatively... I know its much more than that - and we were seeing this at some odd hour of the morning this morning - so foggy there, but it was really a different bunch of people and I think it has to do with getting better information to be passing on. I have to admit that we felt a little proud of ourselves for understanding some bit of what others considered important too.
This week we've been watching our Twitter account and am really impressed with the people picking us up - and then too we've picked up a few more - especially in the areas of trauma and abuse. Today or tomorrow we should top the goals we had ... basically we're very close to following 1000 people - and we're close to being followed by 400 people. That's a very big deal to us and seems to be the basis of our PLN (Personal Learning Network). We still post things through Twitter over at FB, but I don't think most people are interested, because there is rarely a comment or a like. I don't know what else to do with that account. I'm checking it once or twice a day, but really not a lot going on there. I still have just over 500 contacts there, but with the logarithms - I don't think we're really being very extended out to the majority of the people that are connected to us. There is a handful I'm still interested in, but it's not like I'm feeling close to anyone.
It makes me feel edgy.
Ok, moving on ... We've covered a few things of interest this week. Not sure if there are more things that I need to just mention before getting involved with one thing solidly.
Average week as to housecleaning. Rich has been gone ... Hmm, Dr. Marvin? What's going on there, AND I forgot, but we've seen Joe since last time writing. Well, Joe and Cari.
I won't go into much of the personal stuff there, but it was a very good visit with Joe. We talked before going out to a late lunch and during lunch, and then Cari got there after we finished. She had been working so then naturally, we continued until after she had finished. We asked her all the appropriate questions catching ourselves up with her new job and how she is doing in general. But, at some point the conversation went back to more of just me and Joe and instead of involving herself, she held back, picked up her phone and carried on conversations with one or more other people. At one point, somewhere down the line, we heard her laughing and having broken our conversation to show Joe something, we were REALLY sure by then that she was not taking in any of the table conversation.
And, then toward the end, she stopped what she was doing and announced that she was bored. OMG ... wasn't sure what happened there. We did make a defensive comment a few seconds after the shock of it had warn out ... and we said that if she was bored that was on her, not us. It left a very bad impression and one of the strongest of that get-together. A date WAS penciled in around the holiday, but we're thinking of having them in separately from Maury. I didn't have to recall too hard how bored she was also of the get together at Christmas where she made a big deal in only connecting to Isa - one of the five grandchildren there, and how exclusive she was from the rest of the group which was like then entertaining an island in the middle of the party. I didn't like it then either. I still will want to meet and am always interested in developing a better relationship, but I'm not willing to hurt the grandchildren because she's uninteresting enough not to be interested in others. I just don't know what else to do with that kind of behavior.
As to Joe and our conversations ... we felt really happy that before Cari had gotten there that he did really well with listening AND discussing where we were with the Multiple World and he even read and understood the piece on Moline. Of all the people we know other than Dr. Marvin, Joe is able to do the best in conversation. We teased back and forth because we were both focused on other things during our regular lives - which made the conversation interesting ... he was patient and excited as we explained some of the programs that we were using online and how we were working with the data. And, just as well - he was interested and talked about what was exciting in his world with the Dojo and really about the education that he was getting through Herbalife, including his upcoming vacation in Los Vegas this weekend (Herbalife symposium). I know he's proud of me and I'm so happy to know that someone can think it through with me and feel the importance of what we're doing in our field of Multiplicity.
I don't want to go into that here, but it is making a huge difference not to be understood - or even having people feign an interest without the feelings of putting them out.
We have done a few things with the Multiple people this week, but things were light. Maybe the flush of just meeting has past ... and we now have to adjust our scale as to how we'll be interacting with people. It's been really fun too in that we've had different parts that have been out other than the ones who can,for example, just clean. It just is not a keen interest. I know some of the parts can do it ... but the parts who do more thinking seem to be holding ground. This is NOT to say ME! I'm feeling fortunate they have been leaving me at least one day during the week to write in my going on and on format :) I know probably something only good for me. But, somewhere in there one hopes that SOMEone is reading. I'm thinking as per Dr. Marvin's statements that I've need a certain kind of audience. Unfortunately, it is more toward people on a high medical level of psychology professors/students - and those aren't the type who have much time.
I don't know think we're burying ourselves in a hole. I am not doing well at figuring out this distance between ourselves and others. I feel pretty plain. I recognize work that is superior to mine, I am also hearing when people say things that feel mean like suggesting that my life is "a hobby." That seems really unimportant and I don't know if those are really thinking that's all I capable of or if in reality they are right and we've not got anything worthy of offering scholars, learners, or just general people passing by you on the street. One thing we're sure of is that we're not doing well with friendships. But, between me and "the other," I'd rather be on my own than follow the perception that I'm just not important. I think our sense of trust is really low right now as well, the feelings of paranoia are high. Maybe without any communication we're thinking the worst. I just don't need that. Gotta let it go.
I think it's like with Rich. I fill a certain niche in his life ... he likes it when we take care of him and baby him. Clean the house, rub his feet, and listen to his problems. But, I'm not as sure he's interested in finding out the things that are important to me other than him. It seems pretty competitive.
To speak favorably, I have to admit that we had at least one good encounter with him this week. Well, beside THAT encounter *sigh* But, anyway we had had a couple conversations after we broke down one night. He'd come in talking about his mother, and then it went to his business, and then later that night he was talking about his family, and then his ex, and about at that point ... we just stop and yelled. DON'T YOU THINK SOMETHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED INTERESTING IN OUR DAY TOO!?? DO YOU EVER CONSIDER IT IMPORTANT TO JUST ASK HOW WE'RE DOING?!! The other part of that is to not scowl when you see me again at the computer, and then again ... the belief that we don't have anything interesting or important to say in a conversation, and Last ... quit telling me of all the things I'm doing wrong - it isn't making me feel good about myself to think that I am not meeting ANY of your expectations. It seems my best ability is to listen, and my worst ability is to talk. Go figure.
At least here with our blog, if you don't want to listen, then please just go away. I need to have one space in this world where I can be whoever or whichever of us are up at the podium. We do grumble here, but we also try to look at various perspectives and try to figure out who we are and what is important to us and what hurts us and why we get angry. That one day that Rich stopped to listen to us was really something .. he did it too a couple weeks ago on the way home from Dr. Marvin's ... he let us talk and we just went from one thing to another and felt perfectly comfortable and was able to roll on with a conversation - that granted is one-sided, but freely flowing so that we could put together out loud wherever our minds had been taking us. One part after another added in what they were processing and in all, it was like the old days where one could ride our bike around and around the block without stopping wind at your back.
No, we're not being silly, just I guess wanted to say that we are able to communicate, just most people aren't receptive to where we're at. Joe said when we brought it up to him that it was because we and he could talk at another level, and then he grinned and said that because he was in such a customer orientated field - he had to learn to listen if he was going to help anyone. He's really a smart kid. I think it helps most too that with his psychology background and because his mother is a Multiple - he has an extra inclination to be interested in our experience. He was really a Godsend.
Whoops ... Rich just came by to give me his smooch. It is now about 10:45 am. He said he'll be home around 6 pm, that he'll stop in also to see his mother and that he's out of socks. He needs more than 7 days of clean socks ... I know he was filled-up last Friday when we cleaned *evil grimace*
I'll start the laundry next time I need to use the washroom, or by 11:30 am, whichever comes first.
Ok, that wasn't too bad ... we didn't last long on not going to the washroom, so we are doing a load of colored clothes and we started the dishwasher ... THERE everyone happy? Well I should say. Ok girls ... you know the drill you do something then you sit, you figure out what to do next, and then you rest til having to get up and do it. So What comes next? I'm thinking we make sure all the surfaces in the kitchen and living room are clean - WITH washcloth. That means the tea cart, coffee table, regular table and both sides of counters. I think they're almost all cleaned off, but not sure of the kitchen table, but should all be put back in place, AND surface washed down, right? Ok, that's good ... I guess while we're here we can think of other tasks? I think one more load of clothes/towels, hmm, then we have to save one trip for our bedroom. There are SOME clothes I left on the floor or sitting thing, AND we have to make our bed. Wouldn't hurt too if we took a shower, but that might wait? Hmm, not sure ... if we take a shower first ... we're more likely to do the cat litter and garbage. Hmm, maybe save the shower and just put on our slip-ons to bring the garbage out to the garage... THEN we can keep on our pj's all day :) Oh yeah that's satisfying. AND, if Rich is expected home at 6 pm, we'll wait until around that time to take our shower. Sounds good to me! OHHHH AND remember, you were going to try cleaning another square in the sitting room, right? I think we should squeeze in that as our extra.
Hmm, anything else? I think the one thing that isn't done yet, well two things. One would be to bring the sewing machine in, and then the other would be to sort paperwork. Both of those are longstanding things we haven't done. I'd really like them to be covered today. Yes? Hmm, include in cleaning to do the wet bar surface. Rich has stuff on that.
We're back ... we've been away for a while. It is now 12:40 pm and the colored clothes are in the dryer, the towels are in the washer, and the spider is dead. Sorry for the naturalists out there, but they are not natural INSIDE my home. BLAH!
What seemed to take the most time is that we were working on the table situation with Rich ... We found our old order for the first two tables - one 8' and one 5'. They are 30" wide and 29" tall. I LOVE my tables and want to get Rich the same - but two 8' tables - one for the sunroom and one for his office. The surprise part? They are actually the same price of $79.99 each ... it's a wonderful price in comparison to the real furniture value you are getting. They sell for that price at OfficeMax and are available withing 1-2 hours at the store in Yorkville a couple of small towns over. We could get them delivered for free, but they are backordered. I couldn't find a coupon to bring the price down. They had one deal if you bought more than $150 you could get a couple bags totaling $50, but they didn't have any at the location. If they just sent them afterward, I could at least THINK I got a good deal for the money, ESPECIALLY if we had to do the hauling. SOOOO, we just decided to sit tight. I don't think Rich will approve the purchase even if I pay and it is for him.
Hmm, just checked the bank statements. It looks like Rich DIDN'T take tax money out of my account, though it's not to say he won't even it that way later. Instead he took a full $1500 of our $2000 in savings, and then paid on his own the remaining $600. We've already said enough about where HIS tax money should come from ... we're letting that go at LEAST this round. So only $500 in savings, $1900 in my checking account and $193 in my petty cash. I could have made the payment for the table, but I'm not going to stick my head out on this one. I also checked my accounts ... seems I've paid land rent, electric, gas, cable, medicine, parking, gas for car, and the last payment for the floor cleaner. I did get one book this month. Oh, two more big ones ... I paid $125 to fix my computer, and I paid $129 to be in Jarche's class for four weeks (coming up starting two weeks). So that's the financial picture ... kinda glum, but not TOO bad! There is a lotta bang for the buck :)
I did get paid for what I needed ... and all the above was needed. INCLUDING the last payment on the floor cleaner. Sometime Rich and I talked this week about money for about an hour maybe Sunday or Monday. I found out that I had paid like $625 for home insurance AND I am paying monthly from the $1200 new bed and mattresses we bought 6 months ago. I didn't know I was paying for ANY of that. I didn't even KNOW we owed money on the beds. Rich tried to explain to me how fair things were in that he had his computer up at all times and he was reading off a spreadsheet. Basically he came up that I paid about $800 in regular household and that he paid $800 in regular household through cars, phones, and groceries. I haven't seen the exact numbers, nor do I need to. When he said that he's paying for dinners out and vacation ... I reminded him we don't go out except maybe once a month and the last and only vacation this year was to my mothers - she paid the 3 day hotel stay as my birthday present, AND that was then money he paid for the bedroom TV that we're BOTH watching.
I don't know ... it's usually when I feel something is unfair, and then there's this whole shakedown as to what's happening. It's not that I couldn't know, because I have access to the saving and both my checking accounts - at least to check them out. I've never tried using the savings account, because THAT'S for SAVING! And, the bigger checking account Rich is representative payee over so I can't spend money from that account - though he takes money from that account to put in my "petty cash" checking account ... He usually leaves $100-300 in there.
I don't know was there a purpose here? Why am I grumbly? Hmm, just got up and took my medicine. I also had the piece of chicken and one small potato. Maybe, I should take a breather and go look at the surfaces, before I have to fold clothes AND I should do the garbage and litter box, right? Ok, BRB
Hmm, back again. We feel better, but didn't get as much done as we thought. We ran out of back power. We did clean off all the surfaces, but didn't get to the part they were being washed down ... I will give it about 10 minutes and go do that ... and it sounds like the dryer is done too, but I needed to rest. We went through all the mail that was piled up on the table, but this is separate from the stuff Rich has already looked at and put in our cubby. The cubby is what needs to be sorted. The table stuff then is really for Rich, but we were curious as to what is coming in the mail ... There was business, personal, junk, to be filed, ANDANDAND ... you know what? There was a letter from OfficeMax stating that I could have $10 off on a store purchase of more than $50 or $30 off an online or phone purchase of $150+. Hmm, we're thinking that will help to sweeten Rich's pie. I should probably call and see what kind of a wait it is on the table from the online service - WHICH was a free delivery. Maybe if it is coming in just a week or so ... then we could save $30, or if Rich wanted tables right away he could save $10. I think the tables are going to be needed by Monday when his order ships. He's going to be doing some manipulations with tablet computers for a customer. Hopefully, there will be enough in it to cover his household bills for a month or two. We'll see, but this last thing seemed like providence. AND, he can see the product. I've LOVED my tables, BUT I might have said that already. PLUS then we have matching tables in both of our work spaces. I like the part too ... that with just moving around a little furniture, he could set the second table in front of the west windows for a while... AND I could still keep out my cutting table ... To be honest ... we've been out of our quilting world, but we got real grossed out because he was sorting his worms on my drafting table. AND he didn't wash it off :( That can make a person CRANKY!
Ok, good good. Washed off the counters, did the litter box, and emptied the garbage. I even washed the top part of the garbage can - yay MI!!! I also folded the load of color clothes. Next time up - hmm it's 2:17 pm now, next time up we'll fold the towels, empty the dishwasher of clean dishes AND wash the stem glasses (5) that don't go in the dishwasher. That should be enough - AND if we can get everything from the laundry put away - that will be that much better! We got the dresser drawer stuff done this time, but not the hanging clothes - just got them folded so no wrinkling in-between. YAY!
I don't think we got that much more done. But, pretty good work. Oh, and we folded all the blankets in the spare rooms - other than the master bedroom. I'm thinking that we'll just throw everything we that's partially clean from my couple of clothes tomorrow after we get Rich's dirty clothes from today ... without his clothes we won't have enough for a load. That will give me something nice tomorrow, hmm? I was thinking too that IF we did the floor in here today that we'd have to vacuum too so we're thinking since most the other stuff got done today we'll save vacuuming and washing the other part of the sitting floor tomorrow.
I think Rich is going fishing tomorrow, but I'm not sure ... sometimes I think he's on the phone telling Bob yes, and then at others no. I can't keep up with it until he puts his fishing shirt on and is heading out the door. It would be good if he got out, AND, I think he's planning on doing either the lawn, and/or working in the garage to get things organized for the stuff coming in. That's going to be a lot of lifting because he has boxes of radon units in there that belong to someone else - one of his customers. I think he has lawn stuff, fishy stuff, his customers stuff, my books, and the dishwasher to think through. He needs to drive the dishwasher to Joe's, because Joe doesn't have enough space in his vehicle. Rich has been here 6 months now and has never ordered the garage. We just want space to park our car and the rest is on him BLAH!
I kind of like cleaning while we're doing the blogging. It seems to put us in a good mood to have everything around us looking nice, and it helps us in looking forward to Rich returning, because we're thinking it might put him in a better mood. Have to do the bed too. I know that when it is unmade, we feel less like going in there to either sleep OR massage Rich. Because at night we're tired to be pulling the big blankets, where in the day it seems a little more measured. I always like the part where I feel like we're taking care of sweetie.
Hmm, so is that it? Ohhhh the paperwork. Ok, that will be the Golden egg. But, we have to do that by about 5 pm to get it one before Rich gets in around 6 pm. If he comes home first, we'll cancel until another day because we don't like doing work with him around. We don't like working around him, and we don't like being told what or how to do things and he's got plenty of those ideas. BUT, that would circle us back into this mornings conversations. We don't need to go there again.
I did get in the washer the hard floor pad for the shark, so I'm thinking that if we get a good spell, maybe we'd do that too, but smart money is that if there were extra time, we'd do the carpet in our bedroom too. That would be a feat! I'm not so sure of doing the carpet in the sunroom. It's a deep red so doesn't look dirty like the white/beige carpets in the other rooms. I don't think the sewing room, guest room, or Rich's office get enough use to be doing them.
AHHHH I remember we were going to set-up the sewing machine. Maybe we can do some sewing this weekend? Wouldn't that be the coolest thing! Haven't done it for such a long time. I would really if anything like to do some work on the baby blankets. Wow ... this is the first time we've thought of in a long time that we might be able to sew again. What a nice feeling.
What were we going to do again? Shoot already forgot. Ok, something dishes, fold towels and then wait, and then pick-up bedroom and make bed. No floors. Then there is the paperwork to be sorted, and sewing brought in, AND of course writing. I love to write. Anything else? Is that it? I really don't know why this is so hard for me. It feels like a lot of work, but it really isn't. I don't know why we put things off so much during the week. It is feeling like a weekend coming up.
I'm thinking what should be my weekend goals? I do like the idea of doing something with the quilting for a change of pace. If I set-up the room today, then maybe by tomorrow morning, we could give it a try? Is that possible?
Ok, think hard. What is our weekend goals - EVEN for the Multiplicity stuff. We haven't talked about that for awhile. What do we have to do next? I think we got the stuff from Sunday done ... and we should be checking to see where we are with new stuff that came in today. We do want to spend some time with Jarche stuff - it turns out that he is also using Diigo and we connected to him there. He has a bunch of resources that have to do with Personal knowledge management. We're talking page after page. We probably went through a dozen already, but there's much more to search, AND we will want to go through some of the curators boards on curating. Those will be the extra stuff BESIDES getting the Multiple Works stuff done. We want to pace ourselves so we're really ready for Jarche's course.
I think there is something else been bugging us too. It's been quite a while since we sat down at the big computer and worked on our mind map. I think where we are at with it is that we should review what our tasks were - next actions, and we would like to continue the work of going through Dell's book on dissociation. We've missed that task a lot. I don't know where we go when others are working on their projects, but it seems like a pretty big deal to think that you are coming up for a turn. It's been a long long time since we planned a weekend pretty much by ourselves, but just focused on the stuff that we WOULD like to get done.
Dr. Marvin and us talked about being able to put more of a plan in place as to what our end goals might be. I'm not sure if this was this last week or the week before. Right now I'm not remembering writing about it. BUT, it did seem to come together with course work with Jarche. We have a lot of trouble with school type things and we haven't been able to do it for quite a while. We are hoping that because this course is so attuned to what we want to do that we'll be able to pull through it. AND, it's only 4 weeks. Supposedly if we put in at least 3 hours a week, we're supposed to be able to do it. I'm sure we'll take extra time reading stuff. Again, hopefully, it will help us to put in order the end all goal considering scope of project and time available. I know our regular stuff is going to feel behind if we're really concentrating on the course.
Rich had been really upset at first about the course, and then later after he came home he was yelling again, and there were times in-between for yelling as well. So, in large part, we have stopped talking and try to stay lite, and then after a while, he worked on getting us to talk again. We felt very guarded, but then he said, maybe you should have some ice cream. And, then we were like off the couch in a split second and got ourselves some ice cream. He said, do I get a smile now ... and BOoM there it was ... a big happy grin. We are soooo manipulated with ice cream. Fortunately, we can't remember all the negative stuff, but I remember he said having to keep ice cream and giving it to us was a pressure and something that came up on the negative list. After we got happy, we didn't talk too much, really at all ... but, we weren't feeling like things were a disaster like we had before. Sometimes, we get so angry, we don't know what to do about it.
Rich was happier I think because not only had he dumped, but he also had eaten dinner. Maybe that is the secret that nothing should come up until after dinner :( He did get massaged last night and we fell asleep holding on to him, and then he woke us up to go to bed - proper which means falling asleep on the other side of the bed with head at head of the bed and tucked under the covers. I think that's one of the things that always works with Rich and us. We might give him a groggy hard time, but usually he's pretty good at tucking us in.
Ok, moving along ... maybe more work than writing though. It's now 3:10 pm and we emptied the dishwasher, washed the stemware, picked-up the clothes on the floor, and hung-up the clothes. That was a pretty good run, but our back was aching pretty bad. We also stood up long enough to pour ourselves a new pop. That was major in just the extra few feet we had to cover. I'm getting a new twinge in the lower front part of my right leg along with the sharp pain in my lower back - happens to be on the left side right now. Don't know what to do with that, but other than put the towels away and make the bed, we should pretty much be sitting the rest of the night. When we are more active like today, then the intervals get shorter, between being able to do something and needing to sit down. I know complain, complain. Just we're always in some point of observation. Watching ourselves ... watching. We notice changes, and then sometimes figure out by who or for what reason, but in general just updates to Dr. Marvin, so we can sort it out then. He lets us know if there should be any real concerns or how to adapt things as they come up.
He was a little silly at one point yesterday. This week were big on doing the harder conversations that aren't much fun ... there was little time left to play with the conversations that we like on the Multiplicity. I'm not sure what got into us and him, but like he was pushing us and we were consciously pushing back and like oh no you don't, but because he was so visible in not being sneaky then it just got funny. We know he tends to win those things, because after he's gotten into something he doesn't like to let go. It's more like resigning ourselves to talking about stuff we don't like. Again, this time there was a lot to Rich and his family and in general our anger levels which really shot up.
Then someone mistakenly said something about the Burger King problem ... I think we had meant to just gloss over it ... it came out as we were discussing something - Lord knows what and he jumped like a hungry bass. He asked in an interested manner, "Oh, is there a Burger King problem?" We gave him that sour look and said NOOOOOO! But, again ... he gets into something and won't let go. We explained that we are concerned with our weight because we are having more mobility problems especially getting to his office. We talked about being on the Herbalife - which in part is from having seen Joe a couple times this last month. And, then yes we got to the BK thing. We confessed that we were getting TWO Whopper Juniors, a small fry, AND a LARGE strawberry/banana smoothie each time we left his place. And, then when pushed as to why ... we told him that it was sort of a reward for having come in and done a good Ann during the session and for making the long drive. And, then we had to talk about rewards being good, but maybe having something else be the reward ... And, then a REALLY grumpy part came out and said, WHAT? Like having an apple??! I guess since the apple orchard Sarah has been pushing at least one apple a day for a snack. That's not REALLY happening happily though.
So then, even more grumbly, we talked to him about making a concession, in just cutting back, a LITTLE. It's not like he's twisting our arm, but he's sitting over there having a good time with it. He knows we know what to do ... his knowledge of it and having made an out loud commitment though is sometimes what we need. It's so gosh darn uncomfortable to us though that we moan and groan through the whole thing. Our sacrifice was to go from Two to ONE hamburger, but we still get the small fries AND large smoothie. I know that's going to need being compromised too, but that was about as much as we could handle. THE END!
Enough of that for the time being.
There was another thing that happened on Thursday being we had to wait 11 minutes standing/leaning to get signed in as is the new policy ... that made us REALLY angry and yes, we both know there is nothing to be done about it, but get over the anger, but just like when it strikes with Rich - it is a process calming ourselves down. We did talk to him about the difficulties - in waiting, standing after the long walk, frustrated because of the person's slowness, having to talk to ANYONE beside Dr. Marvin, and other stuff like that. He can be empathetic, but on this one there isn't any wiggle room. We know that going into it which is part of the problem. We did push one thing and that is at the "on-the-hour" time a second person comes in, but they should know that ten to fifteen minutes when appointments are being made it is like a "rush hour. There is no reason if there is going to be an overlap of two people that two couldn't be there for that time. By the "on-the-hour" time you are running late for the appointment that you spent two hours of your day getting to ON TIME! We walked into Dr. Marvin's set of offices two minutes late, and he was at the door looking for us, and we weren't given make-up time - an added two minutes. It was VERY upsetting just leaning there in disgust of how hard it was for the lady to think through what should have been EASY work.
We're not as angry now, but we've pretty much dissatisfied and looking for a place to spend that dissatisfaction with UIC. Dr. Marvin says it will only be two weeks now since implementing and there are still bugs in the system. I don't think we'll stop complaining until there is a better solution. Dr. Marvin is trying to help, but then like when he suggested getting there ten minutes early we got frustrated with the $2 extra dollars we have to pay if we aren't running exactly on time at the parking garage. Over the years I've made it a science to get there exactly on time with like 5 - 10 minutes to calm down before Dr. Marvin opens his door. I'm not going down without some screaming. AND we're angry it takes 10-12 minutes after walking into our session to calm down enough to talk about regular stuff. We only have an hour. I think we're going to push a buffer that he gives us ten extra minutes to deal with UIC inefficiency. BLAH!
There worked off some more steam. We folded the towels and t-shirts, put them away, put the stemware away, and made the bed. It didn't seem like a lot, but it sure did feel like it. Ok, let's not be the complainy person, hmm? Doing good so far? It is now 3:51 pm. I'm thinking that the next time we're up we're going to try doing the sewing stuff BEFORE the bills. We've asked for Rich's help for 2 weeks to bring it in, but he's having too much problem with it because of the moods he is in - especially having to make a separate trip or the crabbiness when he comes home. I think the hardest part is just bringing it up the the steps. I have to quit letting that be an excuse. Just something that has to be done. I took off my Sketchers the last trip in the bedroom, but I think I'm going to have to put them on to go out to the garage. It's hard to know what you might step on - with loose stones, or whatever. Ok, that should be done in 15-20 minutes or next time we have to use the washroom. We can do it, right?
I think we almost forgot too that we wanted to take a shower before Rich came in ... so that's three things well, maybe four. Bring in the sewing stuff, set it up, do the paperwork, and then take a shower. Right now we're thinking Rich won't be home for two more hours, but we could check that out ... it would help in not feeling panicked planning things out.
Hmm, he's not answered ... OHHH there he is. He called back. He says he's running late and won't be in before 7 pm. He's just going to the rehab hospital now. t's 4 pm. *sigh* ... that's IF he was there already, which he isn't, and it's as if he could stay for only 1 1/2 hours, which is slim, and, BECAUSE he's still got an hour and a half drive home. BLAH!
Ok, let's think positive. Better to know where we are at than not. It does give us more leisure time for reestablishing in the sewing room and going through the paperwork at our own speed, AND in finally finishing this entry. I know ... seems like we write forever, hmm? Right now we're kind of appreciative of the extra time. We really would like to get all these things done. AND, it allows us to eat whenever we are ready. There is some extra spaghetti from a couple of nights ago, we think. What are our goals? Hmm, maybe bring in sewing, put away, then what ... eat or paperwork first. I know, I know ... you are thinking live dangerously, right? Hehehe. Ok, enough of that!
Probably, we should set a goal of having both sewing tasks done within an hour, and then eat - because it will be around 5 pm, then rest ... and then between 5:30-6 pm do paperwork, then reward with shower, AND spend the rest of the time waiting for Rich back here with the blogging. That seems like a really good plan. I really DON'T think Rich is going to make it by 7 pm. Usually, he tends to run late.
I'm really proud of how much we are doing today. We still have to have some conversations with Dr. Marvin as to Annemarie's portion of the day. We've been going on of late that she's doing some of the movements with us. We could verify that as to satisfaction with washing the stemware. That's already been identified as something she likes to do. I also think she likes the counters cleaned off and it's bothering her that there are kitchen towels and washcloths on top of the counter and there is a new bottle of BBQ sauce also on the counter next to the blender. I know I am me ... Corey as I'm sitting here writing and when I say we're going to do this or that - I think there is a zone off time. That's the only thing that makes sense in trying to corral the ideas and work getting from one simple household task to another.
I'm sort of wondering now ... if Annemarie is part of getting almost all the physical tasks done. We feel it is her grumpiness that shows when Rich comes in and looks at us and winds up for a fast-ball complaint ... Most often because we are still sitting in the recliner he left us in during the morning. Unless we are up and out doing some kind of prescheduled tasks like the housework we've been mentioning or are going to the washroom or to get something to drink/eat ... we really don't see much of the house. I'm wondering now if that isn't also playing a part of putting the sewing room back in order. I know of late we've been looking at the double French doors and wondering what might be behind the cloudy lace. There's a curiosity to open the doors and to see what it might feel like, but we have been nursing a sense of being overwhelmed with it. It's been too much. It would be easier to open the door to the guest room, though that seems like a lot too. We do want to check in there to see if everything is ok in there and that we put things back to order last time - whenever the room was used. We did go into Rich's room today to put away his mother's e-smoking things. We figure she's going to be at least in the rehab place for the next two weeks, so there is no reason I have to look at that on my bar/counter.
When we opened Rich's room - we looked quickly around to see how it felt and I think we were feeling it for safety. And, then we put the smoking stuff down by the first thing we saw ... and tried to put down a marker, so we would remember where we put it later on when Rich will act like a wounded calf when its not directly at his fingertips. Then we quickly shut the door after only seeing space, but not the details of the things in the room. I think at this point, it's almost more important for us to get that room in order than it might be for Rich. He really does need office space so he can leave and start projects without having to clean behind him each move. And, we need him to have his own space away from our space. I think we do ok with sharing the sitting room, but if he's here after 9 am, we start to get edgy. I'm thinking this is in part because Annemarie might not be moving if Rich is in the house. I think she "gets to one station" or another, but she's not comfortable with movement. We're not just talking about back problems, it's more like visual/speed/blurry problems. Hmm like when we're outside and HAVE to walk to the right of people?
When we set a task at this level - while writing, we have an end goal in mind. Like now ... we have to visualize ourselves going to the bedroom for shoes. Holding the bed post to put them on, going to the shelve where the keys are, and going straight out to the garage and the backseat of the car where most of the stuff is. We know too that after we get the sewing stuff out, we are going to need to spend a few moments in there emptying out the BK wrappers/bags and water bottles. If we get that far of being out there, we should be ok - the garage door is closed, so that's better than going out out. That is impossible for us right now. Just saying all this, I can feel ourselves panic. It's getting harder to think, our eyebrows are furling up, we feel dizzy. I'm trying to imagine opening the car door, and taking the heavy sewing machine out. We might do that and then grab instead the extra stuff that goes with the machine like supplies, tools, and maybe iron and cutting board. I don't know ... we haven't been able to look inside the car for quite a while - at least the backseat. It is becoming problematic, because the front seat - especially dash and floor and exterior need some fall cleaning. I think there will be more problem with bringing leaves in as they fall, but getting in and out of the car while in the garage should help.
I think the reason this is so difficult is because Annemarie is part of this. I don't know, however, how she hears my voice. I do know that I've started talking and typing out loud. We might have been doing that before, but we weren't as conscious of it. I'm hearing sounds I'm making, but I can't hear the words. I need to see the words on the screen for them - AND my thoughts to feel real. I'm not sure we're understanding this. Maybe someone in the background is getting it. I have a sense of Ayn pushing forward to help me out. I think we're now worrying about the same thing as to the system's relationship to Annemarie - and I think Ayn is also concerned that I'll be ok. I'm pretty sure I will be ok, just gotta work it through. Somehow me doing this typing, thinking, planning I believe helps Annemarie, but it's never really been much that I'm conscious of. Just a stray thought, but this week we thought of Joe the north neighbor across the street. We thought of that one day he had said HI! As if we were his long lost buddy. I think that is just that he probably thought he'd see me outdoors sometime this summer, and now we're thinking we're into fall, and a whole season has passed with us here, and I don't think we've been outside since that one day where we stopped mowing and laid down next to the air in the bathroom and we stopped mowing the grass for like ever. I suppose then it shouldn't seem so strange that that was also a physical move. Hmm, just an odd thought here, but now Rich has the older riding mower, but we don't want him to sell the newer push motor, because ideally, we'd help him with the edges, SOME DAY!
If Annemarie really is a part of our physical movements, we know that it was probably as much her as anyone who felt so extremely exasperated as we pushed through mowing the side yard with Don across the street watching us with his beer. Funny, now that I'm thinking of it ... and checking out the assignment of that moment partially to be Annemarie, it would seem to make sense why she was feeling threatened. Old man, beer, watching her ... same as the problems we used to have with my grandfather, and a good reason why we don't move often when Rich is around. If we can get to his car; IF we needed to go somewhere; we're better off - but, we can get tired being out and we have to plan out our movements like a Swiss clock getting us from this chair to the car/SUV. We know we have to do things like put our computer in the bag, pick-up our phone and check medicine and water and bathroom, and we check to make sure we've got our house keys. Even when Rich is driving we need the security of having our keys. This is said while KNOWING, we've never opened a door with them in the six months here, because we're always in a car/sUV and we just open the garage door with the electronic thing - because the inside door isn't locked.
I don't really know why we are thinking all these things, but I think now we're probably going over a familiar pattern of thinking out the thoughts so that Annemarie can walk through the place feeling some sense of safety and security and courage for going outside her comfort zone. Think we're going to need making a move, because we have to use the washroom again. Ok, just need to do one trip and the rest will wait for the next time even after 5 pm - it's now 4:34 pm. Sure, if there could be two trips all the better, but we're going to want to plan that since we are out there, we can do the garbage too, and still have enough stamina to come up those stairs carrying something all the way to the back room.
I don't know why this has to be this hard. BUT, appreciating that it is might be some help. I'm going to see what happens thinking about me, Annemarie, and someone else out doing the general task in front of us. I'm usually not able to do that much, but we're focusing right? Ok, girls. Let's take one for the team.
Oh man that hurt. We didn't do it all, but we did as much as we were really hoping for. Our back and leg are just aching. I'm out of breath and we feel scared. I'm thinking that Annemarie is part of that feeling of being scarred. We forgot the keys, but the front door of the car was open, which allowed us to unlock the back seat. We took out the sewing machine, and then reached in and took out the cutting mat and the plexi-glass top for the sewing machine. Then we noticed that there was garbage mostly on the opposite side/floor, and there was a cloth bag with maybe a full water bottle and an electric plug thing and a few other stray items like our coffee cup and the energy pill that Joe had given us last Friday. We put that all in the cloth bag and set it down at our kitchen table. Then it took three scoops to get all the garbage from the back because we didn't have a garbage bag and needed to be able to lift the container too. And, there was some loose stuff in the front seat too. We felt as if we were on a mission and we couldn't do other things like look around to see what was in the garage. We felt out our space where the car doors open, and brush beside Rich's boxes, and we felt out the garbage container to put the trash. We made sure all the doors we're shut and we grabbed the cloth bag, and cutting board and plexi-glass. It was hard to open the door by the stairs, but we hadn't wanted to leave it open in case the cats followed us out, which they didn't. So, EVERY thing is done except to bring the machine inside. We're going to get this done, but we have to go through a little more hurting. Maybe that is one of the points that so much falls on Annemarie. She's scared and she hurts. I think I can say that pretty clearly now.
I think it is very brave of her to do these things with us. We go with her, but she has to be the one doing the walking and moving of our body. I know there are other times where she doesn't feel like she's in the body, but I think that's going to be more of us thinking through the situation. We did block the door open in the sewing room. We'd opened when we got up to use the washroom and we stood at the door trying to feel out the space. We liked the smell of fabric, and one at a time we seemed to like or notice as if new the various objects in the room, but there was too much there to take in. Thing that needed ordering, as if we could be making a plan while standing there. The farthest we got in planning was that it was very good for us to be able to open the door. When we came back with the board/table, we used that to block open the door. So now we're getting the smells - good smells coming from the sewing room, only five feet in back of us, but seems as if its on the other side of the planet. We aren't going to want to wait too long before we get the sewing machine, just have to test out our leg strength and sense of confidence. It should be easier in that we won't spend as much time out there. Just need to grab the handle, wheel it through the first door, open up the stair door and then tease it up the stairs. Then we want to make sure both doors are shut, and roll it back to the sewing room. We'll put our Chromebook and it's cord on the treadle to make sure the cord won't become a problem when we wheel the machine back.
Then this next part is going to take a lot of trust from us. We're going to stay in the sewing room until we can get a better grasp of that part of our world that's been in neglect for how long? I should probably check that as a marker, hold on.
The last time it seems we were recorded as going to Carol's was July 5th. this year. By August 5th, we were backing out as to canceling trips and we know we never went back. I believe we made it to a sewing event with the church on july 9th to do bags. And, I think that we made at least one of the next two days to do regular quilt work. But, then we remember that the sewing machine was still in our car maybe July 23rd? I think we'd gone in for a regular day on Tuesday, and we remember the last time talking to Keith about being a multiple and we talked to him about the mind map. But, then at the end of the day we'd run out of work, and Carol told us we could bring in the sewing machine, but we knew then that it would be near impossible. ... Just we don't remember now if this was in July or August. We don't know if we missed it 3 times or 5 times.
Hmm, now that we've studied the calendar awhile we're thinking we must have made both July dates, but it was August we made only one of the two days, because we remember the last time the Tuesday had fallen on a date starting with the number 1 and not 2. After the session on Tuesday being missed, we were called by Mary Ann, and we explained we'd forgotten, but then on Wednesday even though we started and got ready shower and dressed, Hmmm, I'm thinking that is the day that Tyler came for the computer, and though early enough we couldn't drag ourselves out of the house to go to the church. By then we felt too estranged from the people there. Not sure which day in July was our last with Carol, just knew we'd missed from the first week in August forward.
It's another interesting situation too. In the past we've used conversations with Linda to mark our time and space. We don't have the full record, but of the little communicated this week Linda, she let us know she has erased all our past conversations. She said it was an accident, but unless you press the erase and then confirm, it stays put. I thought that was another marker point for us. Don't know how to deal with it. Just now that too goes on a back burner. We're not going to overwhelm ourselves with it.
I'm really proud that we've gotten so far now after at least 2 1/2 months to be bringing in the sewing machine. I can't tell you why, because we don't know why we couldn't do it before ... Just know that that sort of thing happens to us periodically. We're thinking that the movement of the machine was hard and then marked impossible by Annemarie, but we don't get reasons much further than "we can't." We tried the last two weeks getting Rich to bring it in, and now we're up to the point ... we're going to do it. Just have to put down the keyboard again. I think it's another trip to the washroom, and then we'll get the sewing machine, and then we'll put it in the room and we'll come out and get something to drink. Then I think we're going to try turning on the music in the sewing room. We used to like that. Thinking now too - that maybe that first weekend of August we sewed with the girls, and that in there sometime we sewed for Isa's Brownie bags - twice. So there was some sewing, but that was it. Oh one more thing we really made a mess of our sewing room while Jasmine was out. That was the last time sewing, but it had been done in our kitchen. We were already having a hard time being in the room.
We're so happy to have it back in our minds again. We feel there's been definite progress. Thinking now maybe what we'll do is to get ourselves a cold bottle of water when we come in, and then grab a bowl of spaghetti, and then maybe go eat it in the sewing room. We'll make sure the doors are open, there is sound in there, then we'll just eat and slowly start to look around. Then we'll want to put the sewing machine up and table, and see what's to be done next. We've figure out ... since this is taking us so long, that we'll not look at the paperwork today. We'll save it for the weekend, and in the meantime ... just do it and then by 1 1/2 hours, 6:45 pm, we'll jump in the shower. It's a plan ... good luck!
BACK!!! It's now 7:14 pm. I think we did pretty good though about a half an hour behind the latest schedule. We brought in the sewing machine, and then we ate spaghetti and a sausage while watching The Big Bang Theory in the sewing room - though now, we're listening to 50's music. It's kinda fun. After dinner, we cleaned up our room and then put the machine and tables back in place. I feel pretty good about that ... and then we went and took our shower. I think we watched three Sheldon's while we were cleaning up. It felt really strange to be in there. I'd forgotten how nice it was to touch the fabric. The room IS cleaned-up! There are some things I don't know where they go ... I don't know what to do with CS gift ... It was still in the box in the bag. That was all a part of shutting down I'm afraid. But, that seems a long time ago. Just know that at a certain point there was no working with anything that had to do with sewing. Today is the 11th and the next church sewing date if they didn't change it would be next Tuesday the 15th and then Wednesday the 16th. I don't know if the day is the same as third Tuesday/Wednesday this month.
For a minute I thought it was a possibility, but now I'm not sure ... it would mean canceling our next Doctor appointment and I'm not ready to do that because Dr. Marvin will be on vacation after next week. I won't see him for 12 days straight. That was one of the things we had to do ... we can do intellectually that the poor man needs a vacation, but emotionally it was a bit of a struggle. No, I don't think we'll be ready to volunteer next week. Best to leave it like that, and maybe get some small baby quilts lined-up.
It's now 7:26 pm. I don't know might have just done a time check. We went out and turned on the front side yard light for Rich so he feels welcomed back. He's a half hour late now. I'm not sure if he would have stopped to eat. I think he knows there are 3 sausages left and he will most likely shoot for that. I don't know what happened at his mother's today ... just know he was late in getting there. He said he had three meetings up north (toward Maury) today.
I think that he finally paid taxes ... yes we went through that. Well, that he not only took the money, but as well sent it. That reminds me that we have a check to send out. We'll do it tomorrow when we are doing the paperwork. I'm really grateful for all that got done today ... I have to apologize, I haven't said much in this last day's worth of information other than we got through a cleaning house period. It's harder when you can only do 7-8 minutes at a time. Maybe a little longer if its a sitting task. I'm really proud of our house. It doesn't take too much to keep it clean just regular stuff, really. I find myself looking out often out the window when I hear noises about this time ... he's supposed to be getting in. The sitting room window is only about four feet from my chair and is 3/4 foot from the floor so we can see the light framed outside doorway well. Hoping each sound is him. We're about ready for a change-up now that all the tasks we are going to do are completed.
We tend to worry too when he is late. He should call us if he's running more than a half an hour, but he's used to the problems that used to cause his family when he had to tell them he was late ... he used to get a lot of grief. Ok, don't want to go there.
So, tomorrow ... we'll do the vacuuming, wash part of the carpet, do the paperwork, post, maybe do something with sewing and then maybe do something with the computer. We need to do the next set of posts to Diigo, get pictures, then Pinterest, and then Learnist. I would feel real good if I could get all that done. Hmm, was there something else? Why do I have such a hard time remembering? Hmm, one thing we want to do is to get the two tables for Rich. I sure hope he lets me do it. We'll just have to wait and see ... I know the price and quality is good, and it seems available. He'll probably need something for Monday. I don't know if his car is cleaned out, but he was going to work outside in the garage ... remember we said that long time ago?
Maybe it's best if we sign off ... we don't mean to repeat ... we did take our medicine 20 minutes ago. Hopefully, that will kick in pretty soon now. Right? We're ok? Someone is still out there? It's ok?
10-12-13 @ 4:57 am
Just a short note here. We are editing and wanted to say that Rich's Mom is worse than better. She has the start of congestive heart failure and there is problems getting enough oxygen. Rich said that she is also having problem retaining fluid around the kidneys. From what I'm reading it could be because of alcohol abuse or that in general she's put too much stress on it - could be because of the trauma with the neck or bleeding into the brain? Then also - she was home this time for 12 days and had done a lot of smoking. She won't use the electronic cigarettes at home. Rich just learned of these new problems last night. I don't know if they are mild to severe. She hasn't been given a time, but he was saying that the heart could fail even as early as last night. He didn't say severe so maybe it is mild. She had been moved to the rehab hospital and Rich said at one point something with her breathing, buts she'd had a team of six people working with her. He didn't say this until last night and the team had worked with her two nights before. We're not sure if Rich was just working through a sense of shock. When she moved to the Rehab place, she had obviously gotten a new doctor, and because of the problems with her getting good oxygen, he had called in an internist yesterday and Rich was telling us when he got home last night after 8 pm what he had heard. Apparently, he stayed for her dinner (he didn't eat), but he said she ate good for her which means quantities such as half an egg or 3/4's of a hot dog. Rich had talked about her being weak and we've known in the past she has had irregularities in her heart beat and has been taking heart medicine. Rich and us didn't talk about it last night, but the medicine might have been missed when she was drinking again before she broke her neck. I think they had seen problems with regular x-rays, but today she'll be getting tested with the cat scan.
Even if she pulls through this ... Rich is being the optimist. He knows soon enough he's going to need letting her go. I don't see how they can send her home because she is not capable of changing her lifestyle. I think it would be a certain death sentence. Just not sure of all this. Today I will ask Rich if she's been designated to a "class." It seems that there are four levels. Pretty much though it seems that she can not get better and that it is only going to get worse. I don't think she is a good candidate for any kind of surgery they might have to do. I think she only weighs like 104 pounds now and she's 83, so figuring weight will be watched closely ... I know she's had problems before with her legs and ankles swelling. We also know that her level of exercise is that with a walker she can walk about 30-40 feet. That can't be good either and we're pretty sure she wasn't using the nebulizer frequently. It seemed that she'd use the pump spray stuff because it was quicker, easier to use, and she wouldn't have to go back to her bedroom for a treatment. We're thinking that all this kind of stuff has to have been adding up. I think that if she got something like flue or pneumonia it would be the end ... Just not sure what her likelihood of success is at this time. We know that psychologically, she's a mess. You've heard of all that - mostly with Bud.
Back again ... it's now 7:59 am and we've just finished editing ... time to send this in. Things will be ok, right?