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Saturday, November 9, 2013

New thoughts forming from our work and from being around the newer group - Plural Activism


Look what happened in the kitchen!!! Rich opened the door and a FAIRY flew in!!!!!
Rumor is she had a VERY long flight Hehehe

Friday, November 08, 2013 @ 4:04 PM

Good afternoon.  This is us … FINALLY!  It’s been a long time again - maybe as long as two weeks.  That’s pretty irresponsible.  I think part of that is that Dr. Marvin was away so we were like lost into some of our other worlds, and then he got back, and it seems we just can’t catch up.  It isn’t a bad thing though, because we’ve been to so many interesting places.  Seems just like Man-o-man … so much to learn!

Hmm, better start with a general outline.  I think we’ll be able to remember a few things that happened since the last time, but we’re not going way way back into detail this time … Just as much as we can remember from now until Rich is ready to tuck us in tonight.  We don’t usually write at night, but just seems this was the best I could do today.  I think this morning we were just catching up with everyday things.  Our friends and family we used to sew with are meeting with the old crew from the November retreats at Ann’s … She used to own a quilt store.  I miss not being able to be with “our girls.” But, know time moves on … we haven’t been good about keeping up with our quilting.  We’ll get to it one day, because we know this is part of us, just that part seems to have taken a long break.  Not sure which of us “by name” does the quilting; just we know it’s not happening.  I hope they have a fun LONG-weekend … It is like a five day pajama party.

One of the things that we did today that took some time was that we had read something on the Plural Activism Page, and then we were at Astraea’s site and reading and reading.  The most important things for us were that we had found their definition page.  We also read a few other definitions pages by other Multiples, and we read something on having good manners around Multiples … I think that one was written by another Multiple other than Astraea.  Definitely though, Astraea had the best definition or “glossary” page.  And, then while we were there we gave ourselves the time – WITH a break Hehehe – But, we took the time to go through their FAQ.  It is a lot of material, but by far the most comprehensive information we’d read from Multiples.  They’ve spent the last 15 years improving there site and there is SOOO much to learn.  Then we checked out sites for Jazz, Rhymers, and even Jim.  Feel like we’ve been around our social block - maybe more of this later.  I don’t want to get into talking about them, but might get to a point we can talk more about our thoughts on Multiplicity after reading this great treasure trove of reading material.

We also started the one 4 week course this week.  Some of that’s been good, but mostly it’s kinda a negative.  I could find more reading material on my own, and the discussing part has been minimal.  I believe the leader of the group is working out an educational plan to have people self-running the course, but for most there isn’t anyone telling them how or making them feel comfortable in doing it.  I wouldn’t take another course from this direction, but I will read all the material I’m being introduced to.  Just not enough structure or conversation with people to make it interesting, and we did hand in something – not really asked for, but we were hoping for feedback and the leader said, EXCELLENT!  But, that was it … I was really looking for a dialogue, but that didn’t happen, and then the leader told others they didn’t have to do anything like I/we had done and we took that the wrong way. 

I think that was a double negative.  Someone from the group said something negative too, which wasn’t really negative, but we took it oversensitively and felt bad because in both cases it seemed that we were being told that we give out too much “stuff” and people were being overwhelmed again by us.  I think we did ok in working through that issue.  With the group … we checked out what we thought we heard from reality and the person was gracious enough to explain things to us better. 

I hope we’re not going to take a long time with this, but we are sending out a more negative message that Ayn says has to do with our lack of self-esteem.  Basically, we’re working through a sense of our own confusion in that we want to be an independent person, but are worrying over our overdependence with Dr. Marvin.  We’ve talked to him about it, and we’ve talked to a couple of the group members about it, and the latter one is working very hard to help us not be oversensitive by explaining that we're ok and such.  But, it is difficult for us.  Maybe some feelings are residue in that we feel kind of guilty in that we think we have an ideal world, especially with Dr. Marvin, but then the group works very hard to explain the difference between “regular” Multiplicity without it being a disorder instead of more dependence on the DID or MPD diagnosis as a disorder.  In both cases its thought of being a problem with the medical model of things like Multiplicity being a “disorder.”

This week someone in the group had asked if Dr. Marvin would be interested in doing a podcast with them, and we emailed a note to Dr. Marvin, and then surprisingly enough, he said, “yes.”  He knows we are being very impressed by this group as to really meeting what we were looking for in a “community” of Multiples that we could respect.  I haven’t asked Dr. Marvin why he said yes.  Maybe it is as simple as he just can.  He’s been really smiley about it this week.  We had emailed him on Monday, and saw him on Tuesday, when he’d said yes, and then we talked about the group and some of the messages going back and forth and how we were feeling about “diagnosis, disorder, and self-identity.”  I think that we have a more negative idea of it where the others – the group and Dr. Marvin don't seem to have that feeling for themselves of being in a negative space. 

You know Dr. Marvin, he can talk to anyone about anything.  We told him that we needed to figure out what had to be done next, and by Thursday especially with the help of Jazz we set-up a framework that was working and questions were sent by her to Dr. Marvin.

AHA!!!! We had the other screen open to the emails and we saw Dr. Marvin had answered.  Just read it, he said to Jazz and myself:

Hi Jazz,

Thank you for the invitation to participate.  I think the plan sounds like a good one. I reviewed the material that Ann/Corey had sent over and we listened to the first podcast yesterday, so I got a sense of how things go.

You had mentioned a script  and I saw a transcript/script of the podcast with Jim. Would you like me to write out my answers to the questions as the next step?

-Dr. Marvin

That means that it’s still out of my hands.  We’ll wait for Jazz to respond to him.  I don’t know if that is going to happen today yet.  It’s already 4:30 pm and I’m thinking that Dr. Marvin should be closing up shop soon.  It’s a Friday.  I didn’t expect that, but I think it is a good thing.  I don’t know if Dr. Marvin will read some of the other material we sent him, or if it will have to be done during our sessions – there’s A LOT of material between the glossary and the FAQ.  But, we’ll go with whatever he decides.  I had the sense that Dr. Marvin wasn’t going to have a problem writing up something.  I suggested the lesser for him as an outline, but he seems to sense that they are looking for something more.  That’s really nice of him. 

Hehehe now we have to go through a suddenly NEW thing … we’re feeling a small sense of jealously for sharing our doctor.  I think our “big guys” already knew that was coming because we can hear them laughing harder that I AM!  Shoot shoot … settle down girls.  We can do this.  We’re also proud of Dr. Marvin and the group meeting so we’re MORE excited about them meeting like this than our smaller worries over playing nice.  *sigh*  We can do this ;)

We’ll keep the email open to see if Jazz answers him back before Dr. Marvin leaves.  I’m hoping that Dr. Marvin can get through the other material before writing his script.  This is a really important thing that is happening.

There are a lot of reasons behind that.  Other than having a relationship to Dr. Marvin, and to the Group, we also have a relationship we’re building with the people that we find through the Google searching and the people we find through reading the blogs, although the blogs are getting less attention for the moment.   

Ok, hold on … small time-out … we saw that it WAS 4:30 pm, which meant we could turn on the fireplace, but we wanted to take a shower first before and before dinner.  We like the idea of being fresh right before Rich comes home.  Showers in the morning are great for going out, but a nice late shower is nice too.  When we came out of the shower “RICH WAS HERE!!!”

Ok, to be honest he’s been here the majority of the day except when he stopped in over at his mother’s.  Yesterday, while getting in the car or doing work at one of the workshops, he hurt his left knee.  The bad knee was the right knee, but now both knees hurt and he’s in a lot of pain moving or the action of sitting down or standing.  He got some crutches from his Mom's place.

Ok, ok ok ok … what’s with all the oks?  ANYWAY … yesterday when he came home we helped him make dinner.  Yup yup you heard right, we actually helped.  He made some spaghetti and he put one of the stools in front of the stove/counter/sink, and then we brought him everything he couldn’t reach.  He got most of it done actually by himself, but we WERE available!  AND, it turned out to be a great dinner WITH French bread too!

Hmm, that’s pretty much it of that.  He’s been moving slow today and we’ve been getting him things again off and on.  He seems pretty good about reaching for things he needs so we’re not doing a LOT of up and down.  So, that’s nice.  Before he was out in the sitting room with us, and then he worked on his piece parts in the sunroom, and now he’s been doing computer work from his chair in the living room with his fishing in the background.  We’re all good with that.  Not sure what is happening with dinner tonight though.  It’s already 5 pm and we only have SOME spaghetti left. 

Well, you knew we couldn’t wait too long on something like that.  We checked it out with Rich … we might get three bowls from the leftovers, but it might be more like 2 ½.  Rich has 2 bowls and we have one.  AND, there is one bun left so we’ll each get half of that.  BUT, me being quick on my feet suggested that we might have to have an apple pie today to make up the “lower” consumption of food.  He thought that was ok, so after dinner, we’ll cut up the apples and he’ll use his smaller custard bowls for pie.  That will be a good deal.  He wasn’t sure what time it was and that’s a bad deal, so we reminded him and then he reminded himself he hadn’t finished his computer work.  WE’RE thinking that maybe he’s been fishing in that head of his more than working.  BUT, who am I to say *giggle*

Hmm, thoughts are coming scattered and we’ll get back to whatever, but we wanted to say that THOM IS OFFICIALLY IN CHICAGO!!!! 

Maury called first to talk about Thanksgiving, and then to talk about Thom. I had kept my word to Thom not to tell family, but then he’s obviously surprised them by now too.  I would have liked to know he was ACTUALLY in town, and the way Maury’s saying it that Thom’s probably at his Dad’s tonight, and then he’s going to be over at Maury’s WITH his Dad and Jackie tomorrow night, and he said, Thom said … I know don’t you just love “telephone?”  But, anyway he said that Thom was planning on being out at our place later during the week for a couple of days.  BUT, it’s Friday now so we’re wondering are we going to get stuck waiting a whole week before he comes to visit?  I know we’re the farthest out, but seems pretty unfair to us at this moment. We’ll give Thom a call tomorrow sometime.  He’s only gotten in this morning.  *sigh*

Ok, that was our big news there.  Hot off the press! Maury had called after we had started to write.  As to Thanksgiving, he’s thinking that we should be there around 3:00 pm, but we’re going to have to bump it back so Rich can set up something with his Mom in the earlier afternoon.  We’re going to have to plan so that we can also come back and take a shower from one place to another.  She’s a chain smoker in a hot mobile home.  Enough said.  Maury said that he wanted to cook a couple meats, so he said he would take turkey and asked if it would be ok for Rich to do a ham.  That checked out ok with Rich, but then we reminded him that we were going to have Maury over for dinner Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving. 

Rich wasn’t so keen on that, but we explained that Nikki’s MIL (first husband) was coming in on Tuesday and would be gone by Saturday.  I guessed right in that offering them our place to be for a while that it was a different “destination” at a reasonable price hehehe.  We met Connie on another visit when we lived in Brookfield.  They stopped in after seeing the zoo without any notice, so we always get embarrassed that the house isn’t good enough, but nothing can be done after the fact.  I’m thinking its going to be that way with Thom.  He could come out during the week with nothing to do while everyone else is working.  We were offering him our car for his visiting, but he hasn’t done anything to arrange it so don’t know if he’ll really need it.  Probably not.  But, anyway we’ll have to keep on our toes.  YOU ALL … YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!  Showers IN the morning, carpets stay clean AND everyone has to be out of pjs.  HMPF!  Ok, shhhh shhh… we’ll talk it over later.  K?  No no … we’ll get back to it.    Basically, what happens if Thom doesn’t plan enough time to see us between all the other people like his Dad and his wife, the cousins, his two brothers, their wives and kids, AND Austin – his son.  I know he was iffy, but he HAS to see AUSTIN because Thom has been feeling so terrible about his own lack of coming through for Austin!  Then there is Alex and his wife and any extras that hung in his group.  It’s just a zoo of activity when Thom comes home.  This will only be his 4th time home in 6 years. 

Ok, obviously we’re going to have to work with our neglected Mom feelings.  We know that Ann takes it the worst.  Oh Lord it’s going to be a hard week waiting!  Better be moving on.

Oh one more thing on Wednesday, Rich is suggesting that we have something light – like Pizza or something.  I know that Connie drinks … I don’t know if we’ll be expected to provide.  Rich and us don’t really keep it in the house.  Small detail.  Rich had to be really walked through it.  We told him – you know when they go to Arkansas, they go from one family member to another – just like Thom is doing.  Would only be right that Maury could share SOME family?  It will be fun.  She seemed like an easy person to talk to, we never have problem talking to Maury and Nikki and the girls are ALWAYS great!  I think it will only be Jade and Jasmine on Wednesday night and then we’ll get the added Ame and Isa on Thursday.

Hmm, one more thing I almost forgot.  Maury asked and we said yes, to meeting them somewhere – half between us, maybe Aurora?  Each Thanksgiving they volunteer with the girls to be working at a food depository where they help by bagging rice dinners and other things.  It’s always been good for the girls.  I haven’t done it before … the hard part is negotiating to a new spot, but GPS helps with that, and then the next part will be getting to another chair.  Hopefully, they’ll be a space.  Maury said no problem from working sitting down.  Connie will be there for that too.

I do have to talk to Thom too, because like it or not, I’m going to want to get ALL three boys under the same roof once while they are here.  That means getting Maury’s together with Joes.  BUT … I’m going to really want a picture of us all together, especially the three boys.  They know that’s a big deal for me.  I’d like to do something again out here, but we might have to go in closer and just eat at a restaurant.  I’d much rather invite them all out here including Austin.  I’m pretty sure Laura and Mike would stay back. 

The unfortunate part is that Austin was unhappy about it at least the last time we saw him.  Maybe something has changed.  I know that Thom and Austin have to sort out their own feelings.  But, if we were ever going to pray – it would be that Thom handle the situation well.  I don’t think it’s Austin that would be a problem.  He’s a super fantastic kid!  I think Thom is feeling bad because he's not good enough for Austin.

Enough there.  I would like to say something.  Maury’s father has never taken the initiative to visit Maury’s family at this house, or their last apartment.  I’m not crazy about that, but its not in my realm to give more than an opinion.  I think he should be doing more – my ex – to meet Maury on his terms.  They act as if Maury lives on the edge of the world.  But we go over twice the difference to be with Maury’s and his.  NOT A BIG DEAL.  I know that there is a lack of comfortableness between Maury’s and Joe’s too.  Lordy, why don’t people just get a long?  If ever there is a case though for people getting together, it is going to be one of Thom’s visits.  He’s like glue between people.  Everyone seems to put aside their differences.

Ok, that’s about as much Momming as we can do for the moment.  Hehehe thinking Thom always calls us “Mommers.”  Almost forgot that … it always makes us smile.

Is there anything else we want to clear up right away before getting into something, or are we going to keep it light until after dinner?  We just said out loud … FIVE THIRTY.  Rich knows we like to eat no later than 5:30 pm, so he’s pushing it.  We have the earphones on listening to Sarah Brightman and its loud to cover the sound of the TV Rich is watching in back of us.  Yup yup at the BIG desk!  SO, we didn’t hear if Rich gave us a response.  We’ll wait it out.

What happens next … if he isn’t moving now … probably be at the least another half hour.  Get a grip or go do it yourself.  Uh-huh.  Didn’t think we were going to be ready for that.

YAY!!!  It turns out after the day’s events; we’re friends with Jim from the group.  OUR good fortune!  And, we’re absolutely sure that Dr. Marvin is at home by now.  We NEVER think to get ahold of him late on a Friday afternoon.  Really don’t know the hours he keeps.  Never asked, but on Fridays MOST people are out the door the moment they can.  I'm pretty sure he's no different.

There has been some work as to Multiple Works getting done this week, but it isn’t a stellar number of tasks accomplished.  We did get the stuff that was SUPPOSED to be done the Monday done.  Most of it. There were 47 entries. We put it through Diigo, Pinterest, Learnist and about half through the Mind Map (MM).  We haven’t been getting things to Scoop-it … we’ll catch-up eventually, but that is the first thing on the priority list out the door.  Much more important to do the other four first.

There were a few things really interesting to us this week.  Oh … forgot to say … as to the stuff that was supposed to get done this week?  We’re behind on that … we did get to 22 entries done, but there are 5 emails we haven’t opened yet to do the annotating to Diigo.  THEN all of those are still going to have to minimally go through Pinterest, Learnist, and the MM.  Still a lot of work.  Tomorrow though will be about getting things accomplished as to general housework, BUT ALSO … the hard part; we’re going to have to try cleaning the sitting room carpet again.  We’re still having trouble with Chief not getting to the litter box.  He’s taking a beating on the carpet – especially around the rooms corners.  We’re very frustrated with the odor, but more than else worrying about Chief.

Both our kitties are 15 years, and while not ancient still an older cat.  Almost every time we stand up to do something he goes to the bathroom, sits on the shower, and meows pathetically.  Rich and I don’t have the extra money for real expenses for veterinary, but were obviously worried that something is going wrong internally like kidney problems or diabetes.  We’re very good about not giving our cats extra things they shouldn’t have … they are big cats, but not fat.  They have a floppy part – I hear from neutering them, but they have a saggy furry stomach that swishes left to right and back again when they are walking, but its not filled up, just baggy kitty skin.  They get ¼ can each of wet food a day and share ¾ - 1 cup dry food.  Seriously that’s all they eat.  AND, they always have water, but Chief insists on drinking out of the sinks and shower.  I know … what are you going to do.  He’s like a elephant at a watering hole.  *sigh*

We are starting to let go in our mind that something could be wrong.  Just not dealing with it much past that.  It’s frustrating with the urination, but what would happen if we were told his kidneys were failing and they wanted to put him down.  Just couldn’t do that.  Been with us since they REALLY were kittens (siblings).  Better if he does die to have it happen naturally here, unless there is bad pain.  Then, we would have to put him down.  Maybe though we’re just jumping the gun again.  He’s asking for almost non-stop holding when we sit down on the couch and recliners.  He understands he can’t be up there when eating and we’ve been trying to hold off the majority of the typing stuff until later in the day, and at that time he and Missy will share Rich’s chair.  Just making us sadder to think how much comfort we give him and our limitations in returning it.  Most the time we can hold him on our chest with fingers left for typing, but we can’t get in harder typing.  Ok, enough here please?

We just gave Rich the next warning.  We said, 6 PM!  He didn’t make any movement.  I think he’s in the middle of a show.  Eh, we’re not starving to death yet.  BUT, most likely we’re going to be into another half hour. 

Ok, we’re back!!!  It’s now 7:35 pm.  Rich finally caught my attention.  He said he was about to give up.  We’ve got earphones and didn't hear him trying to get our attention.  Maybe we told you that already though.  Basically, what he said was that he was going to need help making dinner.  We were sorta like ok, just tell us what to do, but we were kinda grouchy too.  It took mental capacity we weren’t sure what to do with.  Or, at least didn’t know where it was coming from and THEN what to do with it.  In the end, we did work our way through it, but the hard pressed upon feelings are lingering.  It was a stress on the system because we NEVER cook.  Ok, lets be honest.  By cooking I mean to say that we transferred leftovers to a microwavable dish … and pushed the buttons Rich said.  We discussed using the broiler on the little oven for the French bread, but it didn’t take long before someone … seemed like Kate, but I can’t believe KATE would cook.  Of all of us she seems the least likely.  Anyway, she looked at him … maybe through him and said in her gruff way of talking that people in her family ate peanut butter bread with spaghetti which was true.  Rich said he would settle for just a little butter.  Good thinking on his part, because it already felt she was bending WAY back.

Dinner was good and we took care of all the little things.  We watched a couple of Big Bangs, and maybe something else.  Don’t remember.  It does seem though like we were gone for an hour and a half.  Hmm, there was time though because remember he made a few calls?  He had to talk to his mother and then the lady that was taking care of her.  He said because NOW he has a cold too … that the lady take his Saturday evening shift.  It worked out.  I think he is going to take it easy over the weekend.  He needs some recuperation!  We have the music on again, but he is watching an Adam Sandler show.  And, although the fireplace is on, we put on something warm on our feet. 

Oh there is one more thing, he had hidden fresh frozen fruit in back of the meat.  SO, we agreed to join him in an hour to an hour to make ice cream :) That works with us!

Ahh just checked the emails.  Jazz has written back to Dr. Marvin – all seems a “go,” AND she connected our website to hers :) YAY!!!!

Hmm, just had to tame the music again … we have a playlist we call, “Music of Hope.”  We haven’t listened to it for a long time, but seems good now.  There had been a really fast song playing by Sarah Brightman and it was too much for the system.  Music of hope is generally smoother – more violins and such.

I’m not sure how much longer we’re going to last.  I think it might have been wrong thinking to announce there was going to be ice cream so FARRRRRRR into the future.  We’re getting the nudges … like play fighting getting too loud. 

We better go back and see if we can catch the more serious thread.  Had we gotten anywhere?

Nope, nope… Hadn’t gotten anywhere real serious.  Maybe it is not going to be that kind of day.  We did have a Dr. Marvin appointment on Thursday as well as Tuesday.  On Thursday, we spent some time waiting for his computer to boot up talking about the excitement of Thom coming home.  But, then around that, we talked about the excitement of the Group podcast.  Jazz had gotten the email written to Dr. Marvin.  Did we say that already?  Anyway … we watched him read the material we’d sent him and that seemed to take a while.  Then we listened with him to the 11 minute first podcast from Plural Activism.  Then we ended up with about 20 minutes of conversation.

Oh and someone said on one of the days we talked about finances and the problems we felt that the newer UIC person was having getting the Medicaid billing in order.  AND, the problem WE felt was hers, because she couldn’t understand Medicare paperwork we'd turned in.  It was aggravating and took an entire 15 minutes because we were so grouchy about it.  We still didn’t see why UIC could take our check and not get that information to paperwork, so we could send it to Medicaid to meet our spenddown requirements.  Just was unfathomable because the monkeying around now goes back to March and it is still going on 9 months later.  NOTHING is resolved and now UIC since they’re not getting Medicaid right the bills are going to a credit agency and we’re avoiding our phone because we can’t deal with credit agencies.  AND, RICH is the one that’s supposed to handle money, and he’s not even pretending to understand Medicaid, Medicare and UIC.  They should all balance themselves out.  We agreed to try and take it to a new level by contacting first one of the two numbers he gave us on state agencies closer to the new house, and then by calling Medicare to ask our status.  Getting Medicare would be a big deal ... I think we're at about two years on disability so we might be eligible.

The person responsible for us before we moved is terrible and won’t take calls and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get us in there.  We tried once and spent about an hour trying to find the office in the middle of a complex.  And, then we got out of the car, but there were people everywhere.  The seats were full and there was a cloudy line down the middle of people standing and everyone was there waiting for people behind shut doors.  I don’t know how many people were supposed to be working the lines, but we were panicking about not having a place to sit and not being called before they closed, or being turned away because the right person or the right documentation wasn’t there.  There was one other thing that we were being affected by.  We were still in Cook county and of all the people working or needing help, there were only a few white people.  I didn’t think we had those kinds of problems, but without having a safe place to sit, everything had seened scary dangerous.  I don’t know what we were afraid of mentally, except maybe that we were in such a strong minority, I guess we didn’t feel like anyone would care about us.  We have a hard enough time getting out other than going to Dr. Marvin's so this was unbelievably hard and not likely to be repeated.

Girls?  Your scaring the folks who are staying up late for ice cream?  Oh yeah … and we should take our medicine.  :(  BRB.

Breathe?  Breathe!  Yes ma’am.  I’m sorry.  Shhh… It’s ok.

Lets figure out something else to talk about than money?  Hard thing to do at the end of a Friday night.

Well anyone sometime after that other stuff.  Don’t remember which day, but after that and Dr. Marvin read, and we talked about Thom, and then we listened to the podcast – our second time for the day, then we got to talk about just a few other things that were happening during the week.  The Course didn’t make the priority list, and well we talked about all the questions that were in the back of our minds about other things that we’d been reading and how it affected the things that were becoming new priorities.  We had questions that we wanted Dr. Marvin to respond in the podcast too. I think we may have told you we’re having trouble believing it is ok to have had and still have Dr. Marvin, but it’s not only the group and their general distrust for psychiatrists, but it’s also all the people we’re reading about from Google searches.  Hmm, thinking we said something about this before too, but we’re racing the ice cream clock – 25 more minutes max.  It was like a promise, you know?

I think the hard part we are trying to get to through this time now is that we were having some strong conflicting ideas with Dr. Marvin.  We always love and trust Dr. Marvin, although he’s JUST our doctor, but we had one particular question and we rephrased it 3-4 times, and we NEVER have to do that with Dr. Marvin.  He had his worried face on because he knew we were frustrated and we couldn't calm down. We were trying to get to a part where we figured out what “he” was going to do with all the people who didn’t have the opportunity like we had to see someone they could trust too.  We felt panicky scared.  Like NO DR. MARVIN … YOUR NOT UNDERSTANDING.  I don’t know if we’ve ever done that before.  But we were saying all these people out there don’t believe in psychiatry or they didn’t believe they were ill, but then on the other side we were seeing hundreds of people talking about there problems because they didn’t have good psychiatry/psychology or other verbal/medical support, or because they didn’t trust their people, or that there were money, or transportation, or facility deficits like lack of programming – whatever.  There are TONS of things going wrong out there.  We were asking how he would fix all that?  We didn’t want to say him directly, but we were like asking him what do they do while they are waiting, because he was thinking with his background that those people had to be seen.  That was his medical perspective, but it wasn't matching to what saw happening in the community.  There are soo many unmet needs.  We were saying there are REASONS out there that people couldn’t be seen, but what happens as they wait … and then we restated, what happens if they were all waiting outside in your waiting room and they couldn’t come in?  Who was going to help them?  Who was going to give them a firm anchor like I had? 

I think all those thoughts were very scary to us, and the scariest parts, because we could see in Dr. Marvin’s eyes as he was struggling to figure out what we were saying and trying to meet our emotional need.  There was like a block.  And, we were coming in at an overwhelmed space.  Like somehow out of bad magic all these contradictory thoughts were hitting us.  We know that he HELPS us.  We know he can’t help everyone, we know that not everyone wants his kind of help, and then we know there are those out there begging for his kind of help, but most likely in their whole entire lives will never get the kind of help we’re getting.  We’ve thought it through.  For sure we didn't feel we deserved all we were getting/taking.  It doesn’t mean we should stop seeing him though so that someone else could see him.  It wouldn’t work like that.  If we weren’t seeing him, he’d probably get another executive task to do – good possibility he’d be one client less and not getting any more.  He's too high up on the chain.  We were just grandfathered in.  Then, what would keep him from climbing that tall ivory tower where things fit nicely into place?  But, this was OUR DOCTOR MARVIN.  We felt our heart was breaking.  How could we put this much pressure on him to be fixing the world.  Could we pressure him into his mind expanding so much further past his designated roles at UIC?  I've rarely ever been disappointed by him.  We were asking impossible questions about systems not working.

There was this other place too though that he was with all his normally good mood and manners, learning stuff from us with both the group, but as well – we sent him today the copy of the glossary and the FAQ from Astraea’s site AND we sent him a link to our Pinterest site.  We need him to look at it with interest in the kinds of things we were experiencing in the curating of material out there.  I know he is fast and smart enough to do the necessary reading behind the lines.  We know that the material can be overwhelming for most and with Dr. Marvin’s time constraints, maybe even overwhelming for him too.  But, it’s like all these people tucked safely behind the pictures that we’ve collected and the short annotations … well, it’s just that they are all people trying to voice what’s in there both the Multiples and the detractors.  “Detractors” that’s a new word we learned today.  The best we’d gotten to was to call them skeptics.  But, Astraea is right detractors is better.  But, anyway for whatever reason people turn to discuss Multiplicity and however gathered or ungathered it is there’s all these people out there and there’s so many holes in the dam. 

I’m not thinking that I have to save the world, we’re more like WHO is going to save the world … it can’t be me!  Is Dr. Marvin going to take a stake in the larger world?  Is that going to be another facet we’re moving into in our “therapy?”  Like do we have to figure it out productively before it makes us feel crazy again?  We don’t want to get overwhelmed this time, but we’re not sure the direction this is going to take us.  There’s so God damned more to be learning.  We want to stay in the space the group calls, “empowered.”  Of course, we’ve known and thought of that term before, but not with the velocity we were feeling today.  There’s so much to do … and we are in a position to be not only giving a damn, but we have resources and time available.  I know … laundry has been sitting in the dryer for two days now and Thom could show up at any moment to “surprise us.”  I know because he’s done it before.  That means a little more order and productivity is going to be needed.  We so often stay in our minds/internet where the world makes most sense to us.  But, we have so much to do.  We want to contribute to the world of good things for people out there who happen to be like us … different, unique, earnestly in communication with more than just normal – whatever that might be.  

One of our strongest psychological terms is “validation.”  I’m not sure because there is only four more minutes before we have to get the ice cream (or break hearts :(), but also feed the kitties, but as to the term validation … it’s sort of like Eric Burns we’re ok, right?  Are you ok?  What should we both be doing to help? 

I’m thinking that we’ll finish this post tomorrow morning.  We still have some focusing work to do, but we’re looking at three minutes before our carriage turns into a pumpkin.  Hmm, that’s sort of funny; the word carriage.  We haven’t used it in a long time, but reminds us of our first attempt to write seriously about 25 years ago now … wow has that much time really passed?  Well anyway we were still seeing Dr. Cooper (saw him for 3 years before the era of UIC started), but the title of the book we wrote was called, “Castles and Carriages of Crystal Ayn Corey.”  It would be interesting touching basis with that again.  The words castle and carriage were huge, and it was before we knew out loud we were a Multiple. 

*Sigh* So much to do.  BUT, it’s now 9:01 pm and EVERYONE is gathering on my back.  Gotta go.  Tomorrow, k?  We’ll finish things up and see what happens next.  It’s the best story we got going, hmm?

Sunday, November 9, 2013 @ 5:27 am

Good morning … this is me again.  Not sure, but thinking not too much this morning. Or, maybe because I’m just waking up and have forgotten how to think before the coffee finishes making itself?

AHA! Done!  We made coffee, did the email and checked out a few things.  We’re still at the desk computer since we typed the original entry on Word … Really do miss Word by using chrome from the recliner in front of the fire! And, then we had Chief trying to sit on our lap, but he’s disgustingly wet from his excursion with water this morning.  Ok, ok … we turned on the tap, BUT we didn’t tell him to soak himself!  Maybe that’s the lead I need though.  Might as well post and then see where we are at.  I’m thinking that we could finish up a few things.  No?  Oh.  That’s not meeting with approval.  Well, if not now, when?  There are 13 emails that need processing from our Google search material.  I know, I just counted, AND I’d prefer the big chair over the desk chair.  I know, but then the cat will come over and how much work will we get done?  Close eyes and think for a second?

I’m thinking our back discomfort is winning out and we’ll just have to adjust the cat.  *sigh* someone’s got to do it.  If not me then who?  Hehehe.

(40,085/8,359)

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