Friday, December 13, 2013 @ 11:48 am
Good afternoon or almost that at least. Same story here … we think of checking in with our blog and find ourselves woefully behind. Maybe we can resolve that issue today. I’m thinking that it must be something that is easier to do on Friday or Saturday of the week which works out fine for us.
Since the last time we wrote, Joe and Cari have been out, we’ve seen Dr. Marvin twice, we’ve started talking to Linda more, we’ve worked on the podcast for the group with Dr. Marvin, come in and out of being able to take care of household, and have been doing anything miscellaneous to avoid work on some of our regular Multiple stuff … I know its sad, but that’s the way it is ... We are looking forward to the rest of the day for writing and then maybe start on that project next. We’re usually pretty good about cleaning up when we are writing and then there are no plans for Saturday, Sunday, and Monday … so maybe that means concrete and ORDERED time!??
The visit with Cari and Joe was really nice on Sunday. We had some kind of beef roast – made into sandwiches that Rich made. We then got to play the game they’d brought over … It was a Dave Ramsey game, called, “Act your Wage!” It was really fun – and especially nice that I’d won and Rich – well he was the first one out J SEE I DO know how to do money! Well that and ok I had a salary twice as big as his … it helps! We got a nice time to talk afterward. Rich slipped out, and then back in again taking care of his mother, but whether in or out it was a good time and we’re hoping things work out better in the areas that we’ve been concerned with. Looking forward.
I think it was then on Monday that Dr. Marvin wrote back to the group a one and a half page document answering their three questions. I’d like to say it went down well, but the group has had quite a few problems with what he is saying or in several cases by using the words he’s using, and then they have to ask which ways he believes.
I loved the document. Before reading any of the others’ responses, we spent Monday afternoon hand writing a 15 page document and then we posted it and mailed a copy to Dr. Marvin. That because the majority of the sessions for the next two days – both Tuesday and Thursday. We got to the end of the document (ours) by the end of Thursday. He then said he would like to make some changes and send those out to the group. I thought that was a great idea. Of course, by then the group is developing their own sets of questions which is being highly encouraged. I especially love the one by Jazz where she broke her questions down (in between Dr. Marvin’s sentences) and so was asking questions “on base” from what he had said in the text. She also seemed to be asking solid series of questions that spoke to the frame “of measurement” he’d been using. I don’t know if that makes sense, but there is a framework from which Dr. Marvin’s answers come from. One of the things we talked about was a term we had been using lately – think it is a mirror from the group, but we’ve been talking about the “medical model.” But, Dr. Marvin stated there were two models – one model was medical, but the other was psychology – maybe psychiatry and there were really two different things. That kind of thing helps to understand better. He is though very aware that some of the things the group seems to be questioning are true in some cases. Basically, there are Dr.’s out there who do a disservice to the cause. Maybe when he sees their questions directly he will be able to address it better. He stated that from his personal experience that it seemed that the Doctors/students who didn’t want to accept Multiplicity were in fact denying the whole premise that “apparently good people” would be abusive to their kids. So if you denied one, you denied the other. The group took it as a “weak argument.”
I don’t know what to say there. I would like to know more where the group is coming from. I also believe that abuse is hidden from society and that most people doing it – cover it up because they don’t want to be caught doing something that is only “apparently wrong,” but not wrong enough to stop doing it. When we talked to Dr. Marvin about it, we went over the feelings of being a STRONG church family. My mother was the secretary, my father the head usher, and my brother became a minister. I on the other hand found myself really frustrated with the Lutheran church, and then later ESPECIALLY the Catholic church in that … we could be praying as a family one moment and then the next being whipped with a belt or smacked in the car on the way home from church for doing something wrong.
At one point about 15-16 years old, we approached the minister and all that happened was that he said suicidal ideation wasn’t something he dealt with and then we were scorned for not obeying/listening to our parents, because as a child that was our responsibility. Ok, yeah like right …
We don’t want to go into all that again, but the point is that apparently good people are abusive. Going back to the bell curve … our statement and we’re sticking to it is that 86% of people are getting by good enough, then 7% are doing particularly well, and another 7% on the bottom of the curve are doing particularly bad. I don’t see the point of going over the WHOLE spectrum as a problem because a lot of good people are born and develop into optimal people. BUT, you can’t just disregard what’s happening to the children of those on the bottom. I don’t mean this to be a qualitative difference in people. All are worth 100%, but in reality not everyone has stable parenting. I’m pretty sure that my parents weren’t the only ones beating their kids – AND they were respected leaders of the community as to my mother was also a cub scout leader and on the leadership board and my father was a Boy Scout leader. My parents also contributed time especially on trips to the girl scouts. See perfectly normal, right? NOOOOOO>!
Like how many federal leaders are found to be doing things that cross the ethics of their stations. This week President Obama is getting his knocks for just taking some “selfies” with other leaders. I don’t personally think that’s ethically challenging, but some do. SO, what about the people that are hidden that most of us don’t see … you know privacy of each individual home and all. That’s one of the biggest things in abuse is the effort gone into hiding the lies. Children are trained not to talk about things that are negative toward their families.
I don’t know ending this note and getting back to where we were. I don’t disagree with Dr. Marvin. I think abuse happens often and I wouldn’t be surprised to see that it affects almost all levels of apparent “dysfunction.” I know it is a wrong thing to say people are dysfunctional because it diminishes the persons (people), but there IS behavior that is DYSFUNCTIONAL. AND, again Kai thanks for helping me to remember that word. I’d first heard it entering my first psychology class 36 years ago. I’m not sure all what is included in that statement now – if they even use the term, but there is no doubt in my mind that our family was the only one. The Barnwells, Cramptons, Schumakers, Fausts … all of them yelled at their kids. We’re not sure of their punishments because you didn’t talk about things that were YOUR embarrassment to others. At least we tried to hide that kind of behavior, because we were embarrassed by not only our parents disrespect for us, but we were embarrassed to be locked into that particular family unit. I’m thinking at some points we thought it was what was happening all around, but then there was the point of just trying to get the hell out of the house as much as we could.
I’m sorry. We’re really off in a deep end now. We don’t want to be thinking of this right now. We’re going to have to go back and figure another tact. I guess then what we were saying is that we don’t think it is a weak argument. I agree with Jazz that it’s not the only argument, but it IS an important one. I don’t think the group disagrees that in the majority of cases Multiplicity seems caused in and around abuse, and even Dr. Marvin would say that in 5% of the cases – most likely the reason people dissociate does not have anything to do with abuse or even trauma. I haven’t heard of the things the group agrees with Dr. Marvin. So far the comments have almost all been negative. We asked for that though in we wanted them to come from the bottom of their hearts – that is what are their thoughts and believes and where can we match-up. For me in particular is like coming to a pinnacle in our belief systems … we have logic from this camp and logic from this other and we will have to stake out our place somewhere in-between. Most importantly each side has to work through Ann-logic too. We can’t believe blindly anything … even if it means cycling it through so many people within us.
Hmm, had a popcorn break … should probably take our medicine too. BRB.
Better. Sorry … Just in one of those places … a little on the disenchanted place. I think we’re going to have to change the music … we’ve been listening to Trans-Siberian orchestra and some of it is like a little anxiety provoking.
There there … we’re going to listen to Sarah Brightman a little bit … we had one playlist with her including X-mas … we haven’t played it yet. Apparently there is nearly 17 hours of listening J That should take us into it a bit.
We haven’t really giving Jim’s music a sound listening to yet because we’ve gone back to someone’s soft spot of Christmas music. Then when we have been in the right place, Rich has been home … that’s not a good thing. I think I can do soul music … have liked it at times, but thinking maybe not for Rich. It’s ok. We still love him J
Just trying to calm down … calm down. Hmm, Rich said something about wanting clean bed sheets tonight. Maybe I could put a load in? That be a good Ann, right?
Ok, good with that. It seems there are a few pick-ups to do around here. But, it took a bit to wrestle the sheets and pillow cases off the bed. Need a break from that. Maybe we’ll be able to put on one more load after that. I think we have enough hours. Rich said that he is running out of things … not my fault if he only has ten days’ worth of clothes L OK. Let’s not be the grumpy Ann hmm? He reminded someone that it was there house and because it was it was their “treat” to keep it clean … Ok, you know that’s the kind of talk we need to hear. Oh. It is??!! Just the part out earlier got too blown away to leave her rocker. We did get out of that predicament later, but it’s still a struggle. Have to put ourselves back in the good moods we can do.
I think we’re already caught up with the past time and what’s been going on our mind. We might say something though of the listlessness that we’ve been having lately. I know we’ve complained about this before, but we don’t seem really on target with some of our objectives. Maybe for one, if Rich comes home about 4 pm, and then rests before making dinner, then maybe he will be working on the current job and then we could … well it could go one of two ways. We can either complete our work here, or idealistically, we could work on our hand sewing? Oh yeah gotta cut something first. We’re kind of scared of using the razor. And, we’d have to work around the fire because Rich will be working at the kitchen table RIGHT in front of the fire.
He’s working on a new job where he has to staple on some tabs to a cardboard circle. He got a special stapler he steps on and it staples automatically. I think he was having troubles with the stapler which he’d bought for the job, but we’ll see. It’s work where he can have the TV on in the background. Maybe he will set it up in front of his LR chair. Not sure … we’ll have to wait and see on that one.
Not sure what I could still be writing about at that time. Hmm, don’t know what we’re going to write five minutes from now. Eh, that hasn’t stopped us before. Maybe we should go back to an old standby. Ok, dears … what is the next cleaning task. I’m thinking of taking out the clean dishes from the dishwasher because we could put some dirty dishes back in. Not enough to run a load, but I think it help with clutter. We’ve already brought dishes back from various areas of the house. Think they just have to be slipped in. That’s not too hard. Anything else that trip up? Maybe we could refold the fabric we’d taken a part to show Linda. My sister had given us some fabric for Marines and Linda was saying she was going to work on that kind of project. We volunteered what we had. Pretty sure CS would be ok with it sticking within the group. Linda has someone in her family specially in mind – and we’d reshown her Vickie’s quilt, and she thought she might do something like that. Will have to wait and see what she comes up with.
Linda is shopping with friends today. Pretty sure she’s going to come home tired, but happy … FUN STUFF!
Anyway, we could fold that – maybe even from the sitting position, that would get another cluttered project up and away. Rich did clean up the table that he’s been working on, but he left all his clutter on the space dividing the two rooms. BLAH! BUT, it is money and that’s what he wants to do about it so … have to go with that. I think the other rooms are clutter free except we have to fold blankets … hmm, so that would be next folding blankets. Can’t redo the bed yet obviously, but by then we can take the clothes out of the dryer that’s been there a couple of days. I know … sometimes we get that way. They are fluffing up in the dryer now.
We’ll give it a few more minutes. Other than to see the clothes through the machines and remake the bed? Few clothes on the floor – that will go in the second load. No problem there. Dishes … blankets? Hmm, I guess that’s all. Maybe tomorrow we will want to do the floors again. Not sure if we’ll wash the kitchen and do the other four rooms (vacuum), but that might be a good idea. OH AND!!! We haven’t put up the Christmas tree yet. That has to be done with Rich. That will be a good idea if we can find everything in the boxes. Things are hiding between Rich’s closet and the garage.
I think we read too that sometime between 6 pm tonight and noon tomorrow, we are supposed to be getting 3-6” of snow. That will be something … although Rich said that he has already shoveled enough for the season and that he’s not shoveling anymore. YAH RIGHT!!!??? I know he’s teasing, but it was basically our message not to dilly-dally around out there this afternoon/evening we want him home safe and sound.
He still might have to stop over his mothers’ tonight. Bud is supposed to be back. There’s a problem I think we told you, but apparently the night aide, had been getting alchohol for his mother although it was SPECIFICALLY against Rich’s rules. So he let her go and now there’s been problems all week with her drinking, yelling, swearing again. She’s really upset with Rich and the whole alcoholic problems have started all over again. She’s refusing things which is standard for her. Rich says the aids – morning people are now coming at night too have been good about coaxing her to do things. I think part of it was because Bud was gone again and she’d gotten used to not being by herself. We’ll see how all that goes. Bottom line though is that Rich is holding tough on the not drinking part. She’s complaining about not having money, but again we know why that is. Rich has cut off some of her old sources too so she’s having less “cooperative – sneaky” cooperation from her old resources.
Rich had to put a sign on the door saying not to deliver alcohol to the door. One of the aides told that to Rich’s mother when pressed to get alcohol and then Rich’s mother tore off the sign – so Rich put it out of her reach. It’s an ongoing battle. I’d like to think Rich is on the right side. We don’t need another broken neck. She’s still not out of the neck brace from breaking it before.
Ok ok … good good. We went through the house … folded blankets or picked up, and then we did the clean dishes and started a light load of dishes just to have them all done. It looks like when the machine stops we’ll fold that load in the dryer and then we’ll add one more load of color clothes. I hadn’t seen the bag had filled up. That’s within the doable range. We’re good to go for a little while now until the load in the washer stops. We should be ok. Right?
Ok, girls … no time to go soft here. Remember it’s YOUR house! Well and Rich’s too, but the part of making it look pretty that’s pretty much all on us J Good girls!
Do you think we’re turning mostly into a housekeeping blog? I don’t know. Just know that 9 times out of 10 now that if we’re blogging … housekeeping is also getting done. That’s not a REALLY bad idea, right? Hmm, seems like I need a lot of affirmations. It’s going to be ok … just don’t know what I’m up against, why things feel so uncalmed. Not sure. Just guess we have to work our way through it … Maybe this is going to last until we come up with something concrete to talk about? It’s almost 2 pm, so we’ve got about 3 hours ahead of ourselves to get into something that we are concerned about. Not sure what that is about other than being Rich’s domestic Goddess.
One thing that hasn’t been going well is that we’ve been having trouble stabilizing at night after Rich is home. It seems that someone is out that feels very depressed. I’m not sure what that is all about. I’ve got a feeling that it is Annemarie, but I don’t know why she’d come out at that point of the day. Usually, we’ve eaten and lately it seems we just set ourselves up on the couch opposite of Rich and we bury ourselves under covers. One day we even got out the old down blanket. That used to be one of Annemarie’s favorite things was to watch TV at night. She doesn’t seem too able to really communicate and just stares blankly at Rich if he calls her attention to him.
Last night he went a little further and asked if she wanted a massage. She seemed to appreciate that, but then laid on the couch another half hour before meeting Rich in the bedroom. Very hesitant to get off the couch. He did really well and she watched a little TV, but basically turned to get the full massage and then fell asleep. Rich woke us up and then said he was having cramps and wanted to know since we seemed to be happiest with the snuggling if we couldn’t switch places. That was doable. We had turned off the lights and put food away before joining him, but then he got up to feed the cats and assure everything was off. Good Rich. I think we again fell asleep.
I’m not sure … we had a nap yesterday too, but seemed to be off our mark as to being awake and alert. Just gotta play it out and see which box we land on.
Hmm, we’re starting to feel good about the clothes and house getting put together. Just had a lighter moment … where we looked around and saw that all was in its place. Good girls!
Hmm, Rich said something about it’s time to put away the paperwork and we should try to get ahold of the people at the hospital to help us with our bills.
Ok, we printed out a copy of what we just sent … we will open all the email from UIC billing too and maybe bring it to that lady that’s behind the desk where we sign in for intake. The secretary who checked us in went to her when we said we weren’t going to be paying on the $3000 some dollar bill we have, because we’re trying to work it out with UIC. The lady behind the counter – or someone from before from that office had helped us out before. She waved us through saying something to the secretary as being Mr Garvey from Dr. Marvin’s care. If she’s in the office, we’ll ask directly.
There we just wrote another letter to the place Dr. Marvin suggested. I don’t know if it will help and I’m aware its 2 pm on a Friday. Just this is when we thought about it. It seems the last note went out a month ago. I’m not doing very good with this. We’ll wait another week and then see if we can’t try getting ahold of someone more directly. They didn’t answer the phone or call us back, so we’re not sure then what to do. Have to put this back on the back burner. We sent a copy to Dr. Marvin, and I think we’re going to send another copy to Rich – just so he knows we’re trying. Just unfortunately feeling very helpless. We really need help.
Think we have to leave that area for now … too hard. Maybe our clothes are washed? I think it’s been an hour … just can’t hear the machine over the dishwasher. BRB
Whoops … we found another load. We’re back. After we picked up towels we realized that we had another full load of whites. So we’ll have to watch the machines more carefully. We made sure this time all our tops were washed down, we folded a load of dark clothes, we did the litter box, and we put out the garbage. Think we’re pretty spiffy again. We still should do around that cardboard box the cats keep messing with in the sitting room, but then again, we might just pick up the specific pieces they’ve torn from the cardboard box. They really like that thing. Good for them.
Good good … that is done and we put our tennis shoes back in the bedroom. I know I know, but it gets down to that finicky. It doesn’t take long to fix this place back up again, but clothes definitely had to get done – AND bedding. That’s the extra load feeling right now. We’ll get through it, but will have to scrape the cats off the bed again. They weren’t so happy about the last disruption. *sigh* They certainly seemed to get over it. What a life they have!
I might have to hand wash some glasses too. Now that we brought the cans in from the sunroom, they are warmer and need ice. I saw while we were out there with the garbage, that Rich seems to have gotten all the shades drawn … I know he’s concerned with losing heat … and if that much helps – we can handle not seeing out the windows. Just prefer it the other way. He’s using the area again as a staging area. Not crazy about that either, but we’ll see how long we can put up with it. It works as a benefit to us to try. It’s just that he now has things in the guest bathroom tub, things in the workroom, papers in the sitting room, materials in the kitchen, materials in the sunroom AND materials in the garage. We get a little frustrated with that sort of thing. I appreciate he’s doing work at home, but its now split into all of six spaces! That seems a little unreasonable. I understand the guest bathtub and his workroom. I DON’T like his business office in the sitting room and “workrooms in my kitchen AND sunroom” … maybe the sunroom though that’s a stretch. I DON’T want my kitchen messed up. Think that’s where we have to draw the line and soon, because I heard he was going to next put it in our living room. This is just not fair. I didn’t agree to move into a commercial building. HMPF! I can handle the extra vacuuming, just don’t want to see it – especially with guests. Last people over, he refused to move the sloppy papers in the sitting room. Ok, ok … shhh … guess you got to the parts that are grumbly about having our house torn up. He’s also leaving his coat and shoes in front of the back door. The only door we use. So now we can’t move in the back kitchen area. Just not going to go there. *sigh* Maybe it’s time to have another talk. I don’t mind working on domestic Goddess, but we’re not going to be a shop foreman too!
Ok, maybe that’s all of our grumbly. He will probably remind us how our sewing is spread out, but … well we don’t have that argument yet … let me count. HAH! We’re only in four rooms … one that matches his workroom with the door that shuts. One out of the way in the guest closet, some blankets decoratively in the sitting room – on shelves/baby chair in corner, AND a LITTLE space – one shelf unit, and the drafting table in the sunroom. Ok there is some space, but not the same! I’m pretty sure??!
Oh well, maybe we won’t have that little talk … but if he presses room #7!!!
Rich just called … he said he’s going to go to the store before he comes home, but then he was cut-off by a customer calling in. Probably he will go to his mother’s too. That’s ok … we’re still doing laundry. It’s ok. I like to have it cleared up before he comes in and starts cooking in the kitchen, because we use the kitchen stools and counter for folding/holding clothes. Good think it stretches out in double uses – makes the house seem just that more practical J
Hmm, Rich called back … he’s not due back now until 5:30-6:00 pm. He had been coming in at 4 pm. He’s still far off toward Chicago – traveling with snow warnings starting at 6 pm with Rush hour BLAH! He’s going to stop by for groceries so I typed the list to his email so he could read it from his phone. He’s taking caution in my warning that they said 3-6” between 6 pm and noon tomorrow. Good Rich. He’s also picking up stuff from his mother and stopping at her house … we’re thinking he’ll be in-town by 4:30 pm – spend an hour shopping, then a half hour at his mothers … so we’re thinking 6 pm at best. That’s ok … had that extra load of clothes. We did check the dryer and its not ready yet and we washed the four stemmed water glasses. We save them up until there’s a small bundle and then hand wash them. Makes the counter look nice J
Next time we’re up we’re going to need switching loads AND making the bed. It’s not one of my favorite activities, but it’s for Rich and he seems to be working so hard today. He said it was going to be one of those days he comes in and we have to take care of him. *sigh* he’s a cuddly bear. I think we’re having left over spaghetti tonight (from last night) and then he’s going to add sausage to it … it’s unthawed. Should be good. Probably a couple more Garlic breads too. I ate two of the buns for lunch. Not sure how that is going to go :\
Means we’ve got another 2 ½ hours to manage. We’re good at doing that. I know I know substantial? No, not all the time. We’ve been waiting for someone to say something in the Group’s room. Jazz wrote what she’d be writing – questions to ask Dr. Marvin. I don’t know if Astraea is going to right more than his original 3-4 questions, and Jazz said she’d have something by Tuesday. Jim is off the clock, but should write something too when he’s back at the keyboard. It be nice to have others, but essentially this is the group. AND, it’s a good one!
Hmm, maybe we should go back over some of the stuff Dr. Marvin and us talked about. It obviously won’t be complete, but maybe worth some time thinking it through on our own. We did stop to fold the dryer clothes and switch loads so the last two are in the washer or dryer. AND, we made MOST of the bed. We didn’t get one of the pillow cases in – so we through that in the whites … it’s an off-white so am hoping it turns out ok … the worst is that we’d put the other one in next time we do white. However, the SHEETS AND BLANKETS are one the bed proper! Yay us. It’s a big back breaker. It’s now 3:51 pm, so if we watch the clock, we should be able to finish both loads over the next two hours, right? That would make us feel good – TERRIFIC domestic Goddess job today!
I think we have to go back over this entry though to see if there is ANYTHING really of value other than the sounds of me getting done with our cleaning … I know how interesting is that? I do have to ask you … do you all have better means of getting “the chores” done? Is it a bit of an extra leap for you too? I think from the time we grew up to the present its been hard, but of all those 54 years, we are doing it better now than ever before. We still have days we can’t manage it at all, but the good days when we try, we can get through it and usually like doing it … If it weren’t for our back, we’d probably do more.
I think Rich hit on it again this morning … by saying it IS YOUR Home, so we should keep it nice. I honest to goodness never felt comfortable cleaning my parent home. I think we touched on it the other day, but too much people just wanting us to do their work for them whether it was dishes, clutter, or laundry. I understand kids cleaning up their own room, but it was a problem for us doing all my mother and father’s work cleaning the house. I know that later on my father took more of an active “weekly” interest, but it was more the cleaning like dusting and vacuuming. By then it was expected that the rest of “MY AREAS” being the dining room “catch-all” table and “catch-all” stairs – as well as doing dishes twice weekly, were supposed to be done before the other cleaning. My father would act like a general and we’d have to move furniture and such – things that didn’t NEED to be done. I could appreciate that he wasn’t satisfied with our other work, but I so much hated being around the family those years … we weren’t having real conversations with people … they’d say stuff to us, but it wasn’t expected that we respond to them, or if they were yelling or being trite … then there was all the result of that. It was an ugly time in my life. I think though that my sister and brother liked their life. I was the family mutt. This being the understanding that the dog who was actually the mutt got better love and attention. I absolutely NEVER had the feeling of being loved. We were just tin soldiers being moved around. I did want to watch tv which meant being with the family – laying on the floor, but most the time was spent alone in my bedroom. At least that’s what we remember.
It seems that you spend your whole childhood wishing you could grow-up and leave, and then it comes and then you spend the rest of your life flashing back to times when things were REALLY terrible. I have a lot of time we can focus on other things, but even in our choice to be working on Multiplicity, it seems we’re still and always will be focused on the psychology of what happened, or what is happening to others like us out in the community.
Going back to Rich’s statement though - it seems that we can’t keep a hold of it being OUR house (along with his). Maybe those feelings will come easier when we are sewing for it again. It means finishing Rich’s blanket so we can push to get ours up on the wall – the first fishy one. Maybe then we’ll have that sense of decoration we’re craving to make it ours. Right now we’re still staring at a blank wall. That’s the way my mother’s house was. There was one picture in the dining room and some of my brother’s awards. I don’t recall what was in the living room if anything. Maybe some knicky-knack things in the kitchen. A lot of blank walls. Hmm, remembering my main room … mostly it was blank until my mother decided it should be yellow. BLAH!!!!! We tried to cover it up in old cloth calendars. Every season was another chance to cover it up. Still have those calendars, but they’ve fallen way out of favor. Maybe one day – they’ll be a quilt. Eh! Turning over to a new direction.