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Dissociative Identity Disorder Blog

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Friday, October 25, 2013

OMG ... We got SO much to do ... the study of DID is so INTENSELY fascinating!


Today we find ourselves in the end wanting to look MUCH MORE CLOSELY!


Friday, October 25, 2013 @ 5:49 am

Yay!  We guessed what day it was and we were RIGHT!  Yah ... one of those who has to check most times we use it ... I'm thinking no ... nothing happens on the 25th?

But, there is something happening soon!

Ok, more than even the part that we just turned on the fire place! WooHOO!!!  But, we had to call Rich in - he's getting ready for work, but we need to know why it is more blue flames than yellow/orange.  It's a gas fireplace, so I don't know if I turned it up too far or maybe not enough.  We though in the past that bluer flames are hotter, at least thinking so, maybe too much gas.  BUT, we'll wait for Rich to get dressed and come check.

Ok, but the exciting news?  It's FRIDAY!!!  That means that our new course is just a few days away.  It is only four weeks and he said that you could get by with 2-3 hours, but you could also put in more.  It does sound like there will be times though when we have to meet at the same time - so that means we're going to have to keep up.  I hope I can do something.  I know last week that I set a goal for Monday on something we were doing with the project and we weren't able to make ourselves do it until Thursday.  It is going to be a very crowded week.

Ok, that was the most immediate thing to get out of our minds ... what else?  Last time we wrote was actually last Saturday - so that's six days, but it took til Sunday to post.  SO, we're probably going to have to figure out time from Sunday forward.  We can do it right?

Hmm, grouchy Rich just came by and he said there was nothing he could do ... because he said it just depended on the oxygen in the air.  HMPMF!  Think he's grouchy because it's just after 6 am and he has to be in the city at 7:30 am so will be leaving in a few moments.  He set the alarm for 5 am, but didn't really wake up until 5:20 am, then he felt rushed to get through the shower and dressed.  Now we hear him outside fiddling with the radon parts.  I guess it's going to be one of those days.

Ok, now he's gone, he said it was going to be a bad day.  I never like that.  He said, I know, I know they are all bad days, but we didn't want to hear that either.  I think he's not planning on seeing his mother, because he's going to be in Chicago ALL day.  The news there is that he went to a care meeting yesterday at his Mom's rehab hospital, and she's supposed to be released on Tuesday.  They want her to have more care at home, and we believe it too, but Rich is sure there isn't enough money.  I know he pays the bills so would know best, but I think for her safety, someone should be around more.  He said he could move it so there is like a half an hour more both shifts, but I don't think that's enough.

Mostly, because of his Mom's inability to do for herself simple things like get dressed, use the bathroom, eat, and take medicine.  Instead she does bad things like smoking and drinking.  Rich also said yesterday, he got the checks back from the bank and found four checks written to a local bar, which means she ordered four bottles BIG bottles of alcohol in one week.  He says he's going to go over there or call, but I'm figuring she'll just go to the next bar or the next.  They should be held accountable though in that they sent her so much alcohol she fell and broke her neck.  I know that Rich was throwing it away as fast as he could find it, and that she spent like $100 that week on it ... Just is a lot.  I don't see that breaking her neck has slowed her down, because she's just ornery like she was before.  I think this is going to go badly for her and I'm thinking that there is not much Rich can do.

I think if it were me, he would go through the courts to have her committed to a nursing home, but Rich is big on maintaining her rights.  I know that rights are important, but she's proved herself dangerous each time.  I don't have to beat that horse, so will let it go ... just that's what's happening now.  We don't know where the Bud thing is ... before we knew the soonest he could come back to stay at the house was mid-November, but I don't see that situation as changing either.  He doesn't want her to yell back at him, even if he's yelling at her and he doesn't want her smoking or drinking ... it's like yeah ... Rich has tried stopping all that ... and just can't do anything about it either.  I don't know though ... very much look down on Bud for disregarding the care of his wife.  I know, I know ... we've been around this pole before.  Soooo ... moving on.

Hmm, Rich is out of the house?  YES!  That means ice cream!  Very good stuff.  We only had 3/4's of a serving though, because we wanted some more this evening and it was the last of it.  It was very good though - our favorite!  Rich gets us this low fat Edy's with caramel swirl ... I was just claiming to someone that the kitties were in the lap of luxury, but MAYBE it is us with the silver spoon!

*sigh* better move on ...

So let's see we pretty much finished with Rich and his mother ... let's see what else there is to be writing about.  More than anything we just want to write and it's a matter of setting which thoughts trickle out the hose.

We should mention that we survived without Dr. Marvin.  That was a pretty good deal, but we have five more days to go.  It's too early to come up with much for a weekend plan, but I am thinking that we're going to be good to go.  Maury called us this week to remind me it would be his birthday NEXT week on the 2nd, and he's invited Rich and us over.  I think Rich has to move his boat by November 1rst, but otherwise the weekend is good.  There is a chance that he could be picking up Jon after that to maybe stay a few days, but they are slow to be making a plan.  I know Rich said he might come during the week.

There is no word from Thom, so I don't know if he's in DC, Houston, or Japan.  Maybe Joe will know, but I don't want to be overly pushing him for information.  I do know though that Joe wouldn't call and tell me information ... it's more like a by the way Thom's gone.  Not sure if I'm really prepared for the information.  I think if they didn't accept Thom it be more in the line of him drinking and they would know about that.  Ok, Mom that's enough of that.  Seems like drinking is on the mind this morning.  *SIGH*

Let's go back to Dr. Marvin.  We know he's been on vacation, but we didn't ask him where.  Sometimes he'll tell us and other times not.  He rolls like that.  AHA!  the sun is really coming out today!  I can see the color of our house (white) and that the rose bush in the corner between our sitting room wall at a 90 degree angle from the sunroom has grown unimaginably.  I don't know what to do about other things growing out there.  LIKE the marigolds that grew by our light post are just a heavenly spray.  They are still bright like it was just summer, even though we had snow earlier this week.  Just don't know what to do about them.  Maybe we're going to have to read up on that this weekend.  HMM, ok there is a plan!

We told Rich yesterday too that it was going to be our 19 year anniversary on Sunday and that we should plan on it.  Eventually, it came out that we will have dinner at our NEW favorite Mexican place - the one that serves those light chips baked in butter and cinnamon and ice cream.  We thought that a VERY good idea.  And, as to our gift ... we asked Rich if he could give us a "sex card" which would allow for us to ask for it ANY time of the day on Sunday ... just once ... but Rich is a traditionalist and not going any further, I do want to have my way with him.  I guess it was good planning, because last night was pretty good too!  We didn't want to wear him out, but definitely when he's in the mood, so are we.  OK OK OK OK OK I know ENOuGH!  BUT, it was pleasant thinking about it ANYway!

Next?

Hmm, must be better oxygen because we have a nice yellow/orange flame in the fireplace now ... good thinking there fire!

I should have taken our medicine though last time we got up for coffee.  Maybe we better do that now since we're in a stall mode.

Ok, good good ... take special note.  Kid's gather at bus stop across the street between 7-7:15 am, AND that it's a good idea not to go beyond the fill line of our Herbalife shake!  See we're moving along.  It seems like the kids were bigger than smaller - so either junior or senior high.  It's hard to see them because we have some trees out front that obscure the view.  I have to be thinking too ... If I can see them, they can see me.  We'd be a lousy point of interest to them, but would like to keep OUT of their conversations!

GOING BACK ... we seem to be avoiding the Dr. Marvin conversation.  I think the majority of that is that we have thought about him maybe 100 times during this last eight days and he is sorely being missed.  There was more time this week to get things done and that was nice, but we found ourselves over eager to talk to our computer friends, because we missed him.  Part of that was a little more loneliness and the other part was that we have our most stimulating conversations with Dr. Marvin.  Without him we got bubbly without knowing how to slow down and get some of the thoughts out quietly.  I know I know ... it's a problem.  I don't think it's going to hit the priority time when we finally get to see Dr. Marvin next week.  Monday is start of the 4 week course, and then Wednesday and Friday we'll see Dr. Marvin.

I suppose we should move on ... lets see how did the days arrange for us this week? Saturday was a writing day, and we think then a cleaning day.  We washed dishes last night, so today will have to empty the dishwasher and by principle it is a clothes washing day, so the NEXT time we get up we'll have to stick a load in the washer, k?  That just makes good common sense.  Other than that, we have some blankets to take care of, but I'm thinking not that much.  However, Rich has been working in the sunroom, so we should check to see if that floor needs vacuuming.  We know for SURE that this floor in the sitting room needs it.  The cats went crazy this week shredding the cardboard scratching box we have for them in here.  It's probably the worse week ever for that.  I've got to think that it's either the colder weather, or that we've had the fire going, and the box is right next to that ... so maybe getting the cats in the mood.  We've got another box like that in the kitchen and we discovered last week when vacuuming the edges that we could make it neater by vacuuming out the pieces shredded from the box itself.  We'll do that today when we do this floor.

I know sex straight to shredding of cardboard, what's the glory in that?  Ok, girls let it go!

If we get to the laundry today, then maybe today or tomorrow we'd be able to get to the bedroom floor too - you know the floor cleaner shark.  Never made it last weekend so the task still waits for us.  But, maybe the REALLY special tasks should go toward doing something outside before its too late.  The snow melted, but we're thinking its too late for Rich to do the lawn once more.  He got to two sides, but he didn't get to the front, which means we could have to live with it all year.  We were a little scared too for the farmers.  There was still a lot of crop to get in ... the thought of snow must be horrifying for them!

There washroom AND clothes ... :)  I think just two loads today IF I can get one more load out of the laundry soap, and then save a half load for tomorrow's clothes.  I think I washed more of my pajamas than clothes - see that's another Dr. Marvin conversation!  Without going in ... we are much more comfortable in pajamas.  Hmm forgot to check the floor out in the sunroom.  At this point, I can safely guess that it needs vacuuming.  Rich is taking off labels off of the radon plastic units - and now instead of using that waterfall like thing, he's using a drill with a brush on it and it seems to be working out fine.  If we were being a really good Ann, we  would help by surprising him with the removal of the inside label.  He suggested this week, but we weren't really speedy about getting back to him on that level.  Maybe for his anniversary gift we could do something like that.  Hmm?

We'll wait for Rich to come home to remind him, that we forgot to tell him, that we need laundry detergent.  That be a smart Ann.  :)

Let's think over the rest of today, and the weekend.  Is there anything we really need to get done?  Rich already stopped and bought a pumpkin.  He always likes one somewhere near the kitchen and this year it is on the middle of the table rather than a counter.  Suits me fine!  Let's see Sunday out to dinner, and maybe outside both Saturday and Sunday?  Any extra physical activities?  We talked to Maury about being at his house like 10-10:30 am the following Saturday for his birthday, Jades, and it turns out Lady's too.  It's like Friday, Saturday AND Sunday birthdays :)  I think we are going to do a brunch. We'll have to think through birthday gifts too.  Usually it's money, but not too much, sadly not much at all :(  Ok, that was enough thinking of that!

Looking around the house again ... I think we have to do something with the bills going to Medicaid though we got some paperwork in last week from Medicare and it seems that we could be eligible if not already, soon.  I didn't understand what they sent me, but we brought it in to Dr. Marvin and maybe then he could help us sort it out.  He read it and didn't understand it either though and he said he was going to bring it to the woman that does the billing (Carol) ... lots of Carols?  So maybe we'll just straighten out the stack and bring it into him.  I think we are getting behind, and I still don't know if they applied the $500 to one of our accounts to show Medicaid we paid.  I don't like the woman doing UIC billing, because she's not on top of things, nor is she proactive, nor does she seem to follow the big picture, and again she takes forever with not good results.  What does it say about a hospital to say they messed up billing (sent a letter), but they didn't do anything to correct the problem?  BLAH!

But, that's one of the things still sitting undone.

We haven't done anything with the sewing and we're back to where we left off last week.  We would like to sew on Cari's quilt, but it interferes with after dinner computer.  BUT, we would really like to get that project out before Christmas.  It's the only quilting going out this year and I want Cari to know it's hers without Christmas because she should have had it three years ago. And, then there is those baby blankets.  I think the best we did in that direction was to keep the door open to the sewing room somedays, because it's TV is just 10-12 feet away from my recliner - SO, we could listen to the Sirius music.  Sorry no further there.

We did do pretty good with the dieting ... We've discovered that if we start dishes before bed we're more apt to do the double shakes, because we then have two clean glasses specially for the blender.  That makes obvious sense, but until you think of it ... just really gets disregarded.  We did try new batteries in the scale, but the new batteries didn't seem to work.  The scale said "LO" which I took to mean low charge on the batteries.  I had thought Rich picked up some newer ones just 3-4 weeks ago, but I don't know where he put them.  We will have to ask over the weekend when he is home while we're thinking about it.  The other alternative which might be the better one, would be to wait until going to Joe's again to be tested on his special scale that does other numbers besides just weight.  We'll see which comes up first.

I think that's about it of our physical plans ... I did notice a gathering of dust by the TV this week, so maybe we'll add that too - to do a good dusting around the house and ask Rich if he can get some high stuff like above kitchen cupboards and fan blades.  It's going to be dry enough during the colder months not to be pushing around dust too.  I think beside another pile of Rich's paperwork all the surfaces are clean.  We did a little better especially toward the last couple of days in keeping up with general chores.  We didn't, however, keep up with bed-making.  SO, maybe we'll put that on the priority list too.  Hmm, one more thing I just thought of.  We need to have our oil changed - Rich said he'd do that, but might need reminding ... and then whether finding a place here in town, or stopping in LaGrange on Wednesday after Dr. Marvin's we want to get the car cleaned once more inside and out before the snow sets in.  The carpet and dash really need some work AND we should do it now that there isn't anything else in the car.  Maybe one empty fast food bag, but that should be it.  Really makes a difference at long last to have the sewing machine inside.

Anything else?

Hmm, for good measure should go over the bathrooms really well.  I'd like to think it can be done in-between NOT having guests hehehe.  Ok you!  Get on the Ball!

Hmm, Rich said something about cleaning windows in the sunroom before it gets snowy ... not sure if there will be time for that, but if he's going to be working out there all winter - it really should be better insulated.  BUT, we're in terrible shape to be doing it with him.  We'll have to bring it up though.  I think he did call the insurance people and I think he has to go in for some reason with something.  Just remembered he'd talked to someone and that whatever had to be done next was on Rich.  He's going to have a really hard time of it with his mother coming home, but some time and attention HAS to be paid to the roof before winter and that is soooo close from now.

Oh that's something that could tie him up too.  The doctor agreed to order a hospital bed delivered to his mothers place as part of her treatment, and they are supposed to be sending some different kinds of therapists.  Rich is going to need somehow arrange the room so that some of the furniture comes out and the bed goes in.  Right now she has a queen bed size and between that and several pieces of furniture crowds the room, so that when she falls, they are having trouble picking her up.  Last time Rich had to do it, he needed to move both the mattresses off the bed because she'd jammed herself under the bed.  I know more of that coming up soon.

20 more minutes and we'll have to turn off the fireplace :( ... that makes me unhappy, but I know the rules - between 8:30 am and 4:30 pm, we've agreed to turn it off to save money.  By then we'll have to switch laundry loads too.  I think it's toward the end of its rinse cycles.

SOOO, have we finally gotten toward the end of physical tasks?

I think the most important thing in consideration of the weekend is that we need to have our plate clear so we can go into Monday with the course being really ready for what shows up there.  I think there will be discussions to participate in and there will be more things to read.  The teacher opened the registration in the room on Monday and we were the first student in.  That's not unusual for us, but we haven't been back since to see how the enrollment has gone ... maybe we'll try to find that place again now.  BRB.

Hmm, looks like we're all up to date there ... nothing new has been added by the instructors, we've read the intro material ... and did a little light housekeeping there.  It looks like so far there are two teachers, though we think that only one is teaching the course though the other can jump in.  AND, there are 9 of us students.  Most of the people there are owners, CEO's or other high level positions.  I'm pretty sure we're coming in as the only one out on a limb.  We listed ourselves as Curator of information on Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Good enough!

Ok, time to make the next transition ... laundry, fireplace ... AND bed?  Woohoo you go girl!

Ahhh back ... but hurts, hurts!

That was a lot of up.  Forgot to fold Rich's blanket by the chair that by now Chief's captured.  Did do all the rest.  So next time up we will fold the clothes in the dryer, AND maybe hang up some clothes.  Things were washed last time that were folded, but not hung up.  Like to get that done so I could do that area of the bathroom.  That will be enough of that trip.  And, then?  I think the dusting comes next along with folding the towels, and then we will take maybe two times to vacuum floors.  It be nice to wash the kitchen floor too since it's still early and Rich is out for the day.  Maybe that will be around ... umm ... shoot, if we include the two and a half baths ... we'll be into this afternoon.  Well, on the good side it will be done for tomorrow, right?

I think the general plan is to do the majority of the housecleaning on Friday and/or Saturday while we're doing the blogging.  Seems that it is a working combination.

During some of the conversations this week - maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday, Rich let me know how much happier and stress free he is when we keep up with the house like this week.  He says then it isn't something that he has to think about so his thoughts go to other things he can be doing like paperwork, his mother's stuff or even the radon housings in the sunroom.  I think that is going well for him.  He's been trying to train himself to at least work out there one hour each night and during the days he is home.  It's got to be up to him to do the work he needs to do, but the one time this week he blamed it on me.

Basically, somehow we'd gotten into a disagreement.  I think it was about his mother.  The gist of that is ... he thinks she should come home because that's her preference, but we think she needs the care of a nursing home - W/O the booze.  We do a few moments of that, but then pull back, because again and again ... it's not up to me.  But, something happened in-between ... I'm not sure.  I think his voice elevated to exasperated, and then our system shut down ... I think now that we are thinking about it that part of that was he was asking me what I was going to do ... it was after dinner/Sheldon.  He'd spent most the day with his mother and NOT doing work, but I didn't want to have him choose me, just to get blamed afterward that he wasn't getting time for work.  So, we pushed him to decide.  But, he refused to decide so we thought fine ... You should go work ... you are going to blame me for it one way or another the next day.

That's pretty much what did happen.  I got blamed for making him work.  It is just not fair.  That night though we didn't do too well.  We shut down the house - made sure kitchen cleaned up and then we went to bed, even though it was only 8 pm.  Younger scared parts were out and we were very still and hyper sensitive to all the sounds the part was scanning.  I think that Rich stayed out in the sunroom for about an hour, or at least that's what he said.  Then, he just came in the bedroom and leaned on the bed facing us just a few inches away.  He seemed to have known that a younger part was out and he didn't rush her.  I don't know how it worked from there.  Somehow, I think it worked out and he probably got into bed so we could snuggle.  We had a hard time talking or feeling safe.  It's a possibility that both Gracie and Anna were out ... not sure.

Another day or two went by and we found something by chance that we emailed to Rich and asked him to read.  This is what it said ... sorry for the length.

Starts here...

Martha Beck: How to Stop Taking Out Your Anger on Others
What do you do when you're stressed, swamped or seriously overwhelmed? Unleash hell on an innocent bystander, of course! But if you'd rather stop displacing your feelings and start facing your troubles head-on, Martha Beck has a game plan for you.

By Martha Beck


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Anger-Management-Tips-Displaced-Aggression-Martha-Beck/1#ixzz2idfrPMW7

 stress rolling.jpg

Illustration: Dan Page
So your best friend at the office is suddenly let go, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that the ax is about to fall on you, too. Later, at home, you hold it together—until your 6-year-old pops out of bed for the fifth time, asking for another glass of water. At which point you hear yourself roar, "Oh for heaven's sake! Would it kill you to just go to sleep for once?!"

Or maybe as soon as you leave the office, you head to your parents' house for your second shift. Your mother suffers from Alzheimer's, and your father recently broke his hip. You manage to stay cheerful with both of them, but at home that night, when your husband innocently asks where to find the peanut butter, you snap, "Figure it out, Sherlock."

Or perhaps one morning, without even meaning to, you notice a series of intimate texts between your boyfriend and someone named Tiffany. You drive to work, glance through the papers in your in-box, then blast into your assistant's cubicle like a hurricane. "When will you learn to conjugate the verb to lie? Am I paying you to write like a moron?"

Psychologists call this phenomenon displaced aggression. Often when we feel powerless, we dump our anger on someone else—someone we know won't fight back. Military folks have a charming phrase for displaced aggression, which, for the sake of politeness, I will euphemize here as "stress rolls downhill." I'm sure you can recall times when people rolled their stress onto your unprotected head. And unless you're a saint, I'm sure you've rolled your stress onto others'. Learning to stop stress-rolling is one of the best things you can do for your relationships and your general life satisfaction. Let's start now, before someone else gets hurt.

Know How to Roll

The cause of stress-rolling is always the same: You experience a situation in which you feel too overwhelmed, confused or scared to express your true feelings. You're fighting for your life, and you're losing. The enemy may be a change in your work situation. Or your parents' increasing fragility. Or a shaky relationship. Whatever the problem, if it seems too big to solve, you may believe you have no choice but to internalize your fear and anger.

Unfortunately, feelings don't want to stay hidden. Like water held back by a dam, they are always pushing, seeking a crack to leak or entirely break through. The "cracks" in our ability to suppress negative feelings are relationships in which our defenses are lowest, our fears smallest. Our hidden feelings seep or burst out when we're with people we trust or who aren't in a position to resist us. This dynamic explains why upstanding citizens who never shout at a stranger will scream curses at a lover, and why people who take an undue share of grief from their boss bully their underlings in turn.

To eliminate a tendency to stress-roll, you first have to notice it in other people: the man who yanks his dog around every time he gets the shaft at work; the brand-new ex-smoker who shouts at her husband when she runs out of nicotine gum. Watch these people and get a feel for how disproportionately intense their behavior is. Then honestly identify the same sort of overreactions in yourself. Where does your temper flare? When do you weep hysterically? What situations frustrate you to the point of physical violence?

One excellent sign that you're stress-rolling may be a hint of sheepish guilt or shame. This will show up after you've rolled your negativity onto someone, or even while you're doing the rolling. Deep down, your conscience will be whispering, "I'm not being fair. This isn't about Priscilla eating all the toast. I'm just venting because no one's watching my kitten video on YouTube."

Unfortunately, many people, embarrassed by this tickle of conscience, actually increase their stress-rolling as a method of self-defense. They'll bring up old arguments and mutant grievances to justify the stress-rolling. For example, you might follow up your outburst toward your son by saying, "You've got to stop bothering Mommy all the time." You might keep pounding your husband: "If you ever cleaned the kitchen, you'd know damn well where to find the peanut butter." You might point out every grammatical goof your assistant has made since the day she was hired. This is like a general who opens fire on his own troops, then decides he'd better shoot a few more so they'll be too scared to stand up to him. Don't be like that general. Instead...

Identify the Real Enemy

No matter how much stress we roll downhill, no matter how we justify the rolling, ultimately we still have to deal with the situations that caused our discontent. The only thing stress-rolling accomplishes is the creation of new enemies out of old allies (or potential allies)—a classic lose-lose situation. So the moment you get the slightest inkling that you're stress-rolling, excuse yourself, take some deep breaths and figure out what's really bothering you.

Because the core issue is often so upsetting that you push it out of your consciousness, you may not be able to articulate it at first. Luckily, you have a built-in problem-pinpointer: discomfort. Identifying your deepest emotional triggers is like finding where a bone has broken; you poke at the general area until you find the epicenter of the pain. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. "What's really bothering me?"
2. "What's the worst thing about that?"
3. "What's the worst thing about that?"
4. Repeat question 3 until you reach the source of your distress.

You'll know you've hit upon your real issue when all your irritation with innocent bystanders disappears in a flood of fear, sorrow, or despair. You'll probably feel helpless about coping with the core dilemma—that's why you displaced your aggression in the first place. Looking squarely at overwhelming problems requires extreme courage and honesty. Solving them takes even more. You may feel you don't have such valor in you, but that's okay. Just look around.

Align Yourself with Your Allies

To find courage you don't possess, all you need to do is share real facts about your real problems with people who may be able to help. I reiterate: people who may be able to help. If you've stress-rolled onto someone who holds less social power than you—say, your child or your assistant—simply apologize. These are not the people you should ask for counsel; doing so would leave them feeling even more overwhelmed than you feel. Find someone who, from your perspective, has at least as much power as you do.

For example, after yelling at your child, you might say, "Honey, I'm so sorry for shouting at you. I was worried about something completely different, but I'm getting help with that." Then you could call an adult who's survived hard times—your father, a coworker, your best friend—and talk about your career uncertainty. Or you could offer your husband a peanut butter sandwich—and the truth about your physical and emotional fatigue. Or you could admit to your assistant that you were out of line, then close your office door and call a couples counselor to discuss your relationship.

Are you seeing the pattern here? Apologize, tell the truth, get help from someone who's not below you on the power pyramid.

You may feel awkward being this honest and open. Suck it up. If you don't want to be the general who shoots at his own troops, you need to consult experienced, educated advisers. Make no mistake: You are the one and only leader of your life. But you'll be amazed by how brave, learned and resourceful the people around you can be. Honesty and humility will help you solve both the problems that create stress-rolling and the problems stress-rolling creates.

Keep Enlarging Your Circle of Advisers

As you begin to stop rolling stress onto others, you'll also start to gather crucial information that will help you face any problem without feeling overwhelmed: You'll learn whom to trust and in what capacity. Not every person you ask for help will be able or willing to give it. Your work friends may amplify your fears with their own. Your husband might shut down the moment you start talking. Your couples counselor could be a complete idiot. It happens. Just keep consulting different people until you get a response that feels genuinely helpful. The great thing about total honesty is that once you are grounded in it, you immediately know when someone's advice to you is wrong.

Lao Tzu said, "All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power." Every time you avoid rolling your negative emotions downhill, and instead admit the places you feel lowest, you'll find your power paradoxically growing. As you feel less overwhelmed and more balanced, you'll lift the people who look up to you until they, too, stop stress-rolling and start leveling with you about their own issues. In time, the very people you once dumped on may join you in solving any problems you face. Rolling on together, you'll be unstoppable.

Martha Beck's latest book is The Martha Beck Collection: Essays for Creating Your Right Life, Volume One (Martha Beck Inc.).

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Anger-Management-Tips-Displaced-Aggression-Martha-Beck/2#ixzz2idgjgwpO

Rich I bought her book for $3.99 on Kindle

Ends Here...

Ok, that's the story ... basically, he did read it while we were both here, and then we talked about it.  He had a very bad time of thinking/believing that he was doing that - absorbing stress - especially from work and his mother, and then the refinancing of his first house, etc., and then coming in and on a hair trigger dumping a lot of anger on us.  We usually dissipate some of our frustration by trying to talk to him when he's calmed down, but especially during our sessions with Dr. Marvin.  I think he realizes it too because it was him who asked if we would like him to talk to Rich.  Rich knows that's in the air, but he's tried to avoid it since we first talked to him.

Afterward - like after showing him this article he showed little signs of remembering it - because he brought it up in context, though we're not remembering how right now.  It was something small.  That seems to be a good first step ... at least he peaked out the window.  Sometimes he can be aware of how much stress he is under and at other times just needs to get angry out - like the article says stress rolling.  I think the more we learn to talk about it with him the better it is.

One of the nice things yesterday was that ... well in general some times we continue to work when he comes in and makes dinner, but sometimes we go and sit with him like last night.  He talked about the stuff that was on his mind particularly how it went with his mother and what he would have to do next to get the place ready to take her back (her home).  But, then there was a quiet period where we were just petting the cat.  We'd long since gotten ourselves a fresh can of diet coke and were just resting comfortably in his space, but not too invasive.

And, then the good thing?  He actually asked us how our day went.  And, then we were like seriously?  He interrupted that time then a couple times to either get new food supplies in the laundry room or to go to the bathroom, but he remembered that we were still on "Ann stuff" when he came back.  It really allowed a very nice time.

We talked about what kinds of stuff we were doing.  It started off - we had pre-thunk it, but we knew we'd met 3 out of 4 goals that yesterday.  The first was to do dishes and litter box and garbage.  We told him, we didn't make the bed, but had done most of what we had tried to do.  That was goal one.  The second goal was to keep up with correspondence during the day, and then we told him about the groups we were now involved with.  And, then the third goal we told him about catching up with the 47 entries to the Learnist account.  The fourth thing we didn't get done was to work on the big computer to do work with mapping the bloggers stuff.  BUT, we had gotten Pinterest AND Learnist in for the week and we had gotten, all the blogs we meant to read, read, and we'd annotated them.  That was pretty good work during the week.  AND, we had a chance one evening to do some of the translation going from blog to mindmapping, so again testing the waters.  It had been a long time since being able to carve out that much time when we still had the energy to do it.  I think we went only through 5-6 blogs, but it was well worth the effort.  We found the excitement coming back into it.  We know that work is falling to Kelsie and Lissa and between them, they are like having the best time ever.  I think between all of us internals, they are the happiest and most productive as a team as we have.  It just seems more of late that Kelsie is letting in Lissa and we've been very grateful of not only the results, but the feelings we get inside that they are really working successfully through thoughts that mean something to the system.  We feel a little like Sheldon, when he is in the zone.  You know?

That's probably the most exciting thing this week, although there have been several ... getting quality Rich-time always ranks high, getting to know a little better the people in the Multiple groups is up there - though we don't want to publicly say what's going on there.  Indirectly though as to our part and how we feel being in the groups ... it's really nice for various reasons between the groups.  I have to say that we feel closest to the people in the Plural Activism group in that they know more about me/us and they are much more apt to be coming into the situation with plans to be working outside the group.  This is all in a good way.  We've presented a couple of the groups with things that really meant something to us this week.  Most really can't get to it well, but some did read it and there was conversations on the material.

I felt like I really needed to run it past people and I thought it was in the communities best interest because it was stuff that affected the things that get talked about in group.  There were two primary things we wanted to talk about both from the Google search work.  The first was about the student doctors and the second was about continuing news about Elisabeth Loftus.  Neither of the news was favorable to the community.  Loftus had been approached by a news organization out of Utah, who seem to have made up their mind which side of the coin they were falling on as to the differences in belief between people who understood Multiplicity as real opposed to those who didn't.  The arguments from the ones who don't believe are "typical."  We might go into some of them later.  The one's who don't like Multiplicity or have much belief in that incest happens are the ones that hold Loftus up.  I think between all the names out there, she has one of the biggest names because of her "research" and in being in many courtrooms.  It doesn't mean that she is right, just she's a figurehead for that cause.  Her research isn't strong - from what I understood they were experiments out of context, and the participant size was low, and they are old studies.

The next group - the first one mentioned - Student Doctors.  That just makes a person want to sit down and cry.  If we were going to do things right, we would maybe do that group too as to sitting down and noting their arguments.  Maybe with all this data we are collecting, we will be able to one day put ourselves in a situation where we can contest point by point the positives and negatives of each side.  I think it is really sucky though that each side has people to argue for it, who are really more insulting than not.  If someone claims to be a Multiple who isn't, then they lower the cause and give the other side room to shoot down ALL of the Multiples, and if they on the other side, choose to put out arguments that are old and tired and not supported, but given the numbers think they are presenting fact, then that is hurting their cause.

That's what was happening with the student doctors.  They were in positions of becoming psychiatrists or at least had been working a round in psychiatry, and they'd come to decisions that weren't based in anything, but general hearsay.  They didn't read books, or do research, or talk to Multiples, they just had an impression from this stuff going on in the circus around Multiplicity and its general 2013 culture, and they were accepting that at face value.  It really was disgusting.  Depending on who they had talked to and respected in their field - that was the general direction they were going to go.  I don't know how evenly the divider is between people who do and do not believe in Multiplicity, but we go back to thinking that our best bet is to better understand Dell/O'Neils' book on dissociation.

It's a funny thing in psychiatry though ... the most valid information out there is done privately between the students/doctors.  The tests, professional journals, associations, and papers are generally inaccessible to the general population even if they could understand the language which seems to be coded.  When they are made available, they sell for in general $35 and upward APIECE!  So for every article written, you have to pay a cost, and for the people who have DID or simply multiplicity the cost is preventive from reading the information.  Sometimes Multiples become students and have more access to the material, but in general not nearly anywhere towards where they have extra time to be studying the topic.  So, it stays the relevant proximity of those in higher circles - generally doctors and some students, and from there not often sees the light of day.

I think that's why Dell's book is so important.  If we can get through the difference of complex language they use, then we've got some resource in understanding what they are finding about Multiplicity on a professional level.  We're never going to even-up information that we can know opposed to those who can pay for the information, but we'd be in a better position in trying to fight back and advocate for ourselves.

I'm doing pretty well with getting to the tip of the iceberg in information about or from Multiples, but I'm not nearly sufficient for the whole of the task.  Like we read the blogs from Multiples for this last week, BUT, the last time we were able to do this was maybe late August or early September - so over a month ago.  AND, we are reading the information quickly, and of the information being utilized for the map - much less is gotten too.  We've got to make the first priority getting information out to the community, but then the second part of that is doing something with the information.  We're going to need being more prolific at that task.  While thinking through all this and appreciating not having to drive into the city this week - for the extra time we had, more time went to correspondence then in the past, but we know to build up a PLN (Personal Learning Network), we have to be connected to where larger groups of people are getting together.  At this point, there are:

144 Multiples listed who blog, but 7 are over the one year mark - so that total is 137 ... pretty much then holding to about 140 bloggers.

There are 233 Multiples listed in Twitter, but even more so than the blogging, some of the internal parts within each Multiple system list different names so that list is somewhat inflated.

So far, we have a total of 1311 days/(doubled because we are searching for DID AND MPD) so approximately 3-4 years of data from the google search, most of which is untapped.  I maybe be immodest, but I'm pretty sure we have the largest ongoing collection there, though for every time I mention it there is that much better a chance someone picks up the idea - and is able to be more competitive with my resource bank, because bottom line is that it is public.  Believe me PLENTY of work to be done out there for more people!

I was a little taken back this week, in that our scoopit was scooped.  It was by someone from Australia working in the mental health field.  She also has a board for dissociative identity disorder, and she scooped 13 of our entries.  Wow!  That was a lot.  She does have different resources that we don't have, but we're going to try maintaining things discovered only through the Google search to keep the dynamics of our study consistent.  That is generally what scoop-it is about - collecting information, but it was surprising, because she had taken so many pieces from the same resource.  I'm going to choose however, to be more proud than not.  That's the idea, is that you WANT people to be interested.

It does, however, remind us that we have maybe a couple of weeks information to get over to scoop-it.  We tested it out this morning and their little app is now working again.  This last week catching up we hadn't been able to get our pinterest or our Twitter feeds over to there.  We also fell behind in being able to keep up our Buffer feed for Twitter, or to be reading from our Tweetdeck.  We did pick-up on a few people through the interaction setting, but that was about it.

Harold Jarche, the person we are taking the class for next week wrote this morning that, "In personal knowledge management, the key is finding small habits that can be developed, that over time yield big results, like grains of sand. My sense-making here comes through the habit of a fortnightly blog post. Finding what works for you is the focus of my PKM Workshops, with the next one beginning this Monday. The challenge is to find something that works for you and will last over time. This is probably the biggest hurdle in PKM."

So, every couple of weeks he has to do something as to his collections.  We are trying to do it weekly, but some of it is not getting done at all, so we'll definitely listen carefully to what he has to say.  We are really excited to be in the course and as a secondary asset, we should be able to figure out how we're doing compared to some of the "bigger guys" out there.  I think they have people who can do some of the work (in numbers of people) - which works in their benefit, but as to their time (the leaders of companies), I have more personal time to direct ONLY to personal knowledge management (PKM), so I have that to MY advantage.  I'm sure I'm going to find out that the kind of data they are collecting is much different from what we're doing.  That works out fine to me.

Whoops, those big business leaders probably don't have laundry they are doing in the meantime!  Let me see ... I was going to do folding clothes AND putting clothes on hangers.  BRB...  Did you know that insight sometimes comes when you've prepped your mind to be thinking, but then stepped away to be doing something else?  I mean how mind-draining can laundry be - maybe good peculation time!  Hehehehe

Pswooh!  We did really good that time ... we folded clothes, hung two sets of clothes up AND we emtpied the dishwasher and put a few more things away in the empty dishwasher.  Feeling pretty good.  I'm thinking that the next time ... we'll fold towels, AND do dusting.  I don't know if I can move through the entire house and get everything, but we're going to try.  :)  Might have to get something to drink first ... feeling a little thirsty.  We finished the little bit of water, we usually leave on the little chair/table next to us.  I see four little things here to do ... a few coupons fell on the floor, there are two water bottles, blankets need folding and we left a bag of receipts on tea cart ... THAT should be done next too.  Little worried over the kitties.  They are both on my arm chair wanting to sit on my lap.  Hmm, shooed them both away because I can't do them on days of heavy typing, but now have to watch the big one, because he's been trying to use my carpet when he's frustrated with me.

Good saw to that one ... he then went past the kitchen, so I know he's headed for the litter box.  I guess that is what comes to mind when people say she or he is pissy!

ARGH!  I hate that kind of language.  Please lets not use it more?  Please?

HMMM... moving on.  Umm, lets do the little sitting room stuff AND get some water?  I know we were just up, but make us feel better, right?

There better!  Did those little things and checked for how bad the sunroom might be where Rich was working.  It's TERRIBLE!  There are tiny piece of white sticky paper everywhere around his work station and cords.  I think if we just concentrate on that area we'll be good.  I think now that he is using the power tool he might not need the circulating sink.  I still want the pump to do something - like a water fall, but I'm not thinking he's going for that.  We did think of something he could do ... we have a little wooden mirror set that was supposed to be hung in the bedroom 7 months ago, maybe I can ask for that for my OTHER anniversary gift.  I was going to give it to one of my Granddaughters, because it had sat for so long on my dresser, but he saw it in the outgoing bag and said, NOT to give it away and that he'd take care of it.  It's still sitting by the doorway being a pain.

Hmm, the cat is back ... he'd gone for a little refreshment.  Now he's looking at my chair again, but again we'll shoo him away.  They've gotten WAY TOO settled with me being around during the day.  It's like ALL the time?  We ignored him and kept typing and so now he's just sitting not knowing his next move.  He's looking over to the shredding box, and up to Rich's chair.  Missy just checked on him too.  Can't believe he'll choose the floor though over a piece of cushy furniture.  We'll see ... moving on...

Ok, where to next?

Hmm, cat just jumped up and I put him over on the other chair, but he's not happy.  I think usually what happens is that I forget about the animals, and they just sneak over.  It's driving him crazy that I'm watching his moves.  Yesterday though we found a patch of wall he's been damaging and we're watching his patterns now VERY carefully.  It's bad enough he might spot on the floor, but I don't think there's much you can do with those couple of inches on the wall.  Rich was too busy this morning to talk to him about it, so we'll try tomorrow.

GOOD!  Chief finally laid down on the chair.  Now Missy is watching him and I think she'll either join him, or she'll go tuck herself in under the cabinet.  I don't have to worry about her.

Let's go back to the computer work, and figure out if there is more to do/think through in that area.  Oh Lordy ... wait a sec.  Just realized I have 34 emails ... we've been trying to keep up with that because of the group conversations.  Let me go look.

Wow!  That's a deal breaker!  One of the new people I've met through a group I just joined asked us, actually asked us what we thought about a forum chat with a couple of student doctors that we had discovered through the Google search.  We had HATED what we were reading and we were highly insulted and downright scared for what we'd seen. But I hadn't REALLY looked into the very essence of what we had seen and recommended others look at too.

We started to right the following:

I/We hadn't collected all our initial thoughts, but be happy to do it now to carry on the conversation.  It starts with the first member asking "Who believes in the DID diagnosis?"  Like it is a spiritual awakening  rather than a educational fact.  I would write out each persons name as I went, but this site only offers identifying numbers ... so for sake of argument it is a junior member 83378 posing the question.  Heaven forbid that people with opinions be identified as REAL people!  He states that his buddies never saw a case so obviously it doesn't exist.  Strike a no to the conversation of Multiplicity being real.  Keep in mind this conversation didn't happen YEARS ago, it happened eight days ago AND this person is going INTO the field that is supposed to help us.

ARGH.  Just erased what was typed out and we don't have the patience to replace.  So for now ... just know that Kate has approved that we dedicate the rest of this day or as long as needed to answer the student doctors notes left in their forum.  We do know by this time (post-popcorn/pop) that we're going to use the mind map, and that we had a big insight flash as to doing much more on the mind map.  Basically, the anchor thought is ... that we should be doing when time avails getting the google thoughts online to the mind map too.  Not just as bring overs that duplicate some of the work done at the Learnist level, but as well to in-bed some of the stuff within the conversation stream.  The really hottest thought at this moment is to be making the mind map work so well that the whole argument of DID is placed out in it ... and that all the underlying data can go into making better sense in that in most conversations just a short spec of time and prejudice is put into the argument, before it is dropped.  Then that short-tired piece of "blah" is picked up and declared a learned opinion.  Just like these student doctors are doing too.  What the Fuck?  My friend the psych doctor didn't see it, so it doesn't exist?  What kind of bullshit is that!??  We can do better.

I miss most Dr. Marvin at times like this, but I know he believes in us and would encourage us to work forward.  Better to keep him close mentally today, especially as we tend to tire and dissociate.  BUT, I've had two scares already as to using this writing app ... want to get it blogged, and be moving on our day ... Good thoughts to you!

(36,907/7,718)

BTW ... Just in case you want to look at it too ... this is the discussion from the student doctor's forum we're talking about ... see you back here soon.

Hmm, won't copy over ... as always there are links ... this is the one for the


Sunday, October 20, 2013

How to move the bolder up the hill


We got the quilt back from Linda using the long arm on it ... just have to do the binding now :)

Saturday, October 19, 2013 @ 8:57 am

Good morning.  This is just us.  We've been up for about four hours.  We've been moving around our general resources of people and answering correspondence.  This seems to be taking more time now than it had before, but communicating with people was what it was all about, so have to think we're doing the right thing there.

Bouncing into all that right now ... We have three relatively new areas of people.  The first group of people we're getting to know is through Plural Activism, and then the second group is a group of about 245 Multiples at another group called just dissociative disorder, though relatively few are active - the main person in this group is Marcus.  And, then the last "group," is actually one individual with about 80 parts.  She is in general tied to "the Lauren's' System."  I'm not sure if this is the name she goes by, but what we use to remember them.

I'm going to try not to say too much about anyone from these groups because I want to keep them intact as themselves without losing trust that we're talking outside the group.  There will be a few general things we say as to topics - not personalized. I suppose it would anyway be normal for a Multiple to be interested in different "activities."  For the majority though writing is the main activity and there is some picture sharing.  We are being a little over boastful as to having quilter's in our group, but we are proud of them, and they are as much people in our system as those of us who write.

As to group topics ... I think it's again just introductions of individuals and systems of individual's.  In one group we're just recently talking more at this specific time about what to call a single group of Multiples ... like did you know there is a bellowing of bullfinches?  I'm pretty sure those are birds, but there are all kinds of groups out there.  I found out this week that some of the Multiples are students, and we were really excited about that.  It had been such a strong part of our life for awhile, you gotta just be out there and encouraging others, because it is so much harder as a Multiple to be keeping up with deadlines and stuff.  I'm guessing others find it like we did where it wasn't the difficulty of getting A's as much as getting the cooperation of time to put into the project sufficiently.  Maybe, we'll learn more about this as the weeks go on.

Part of being new too is finding out if there are any internal group rules and roles and how to apply that all without insulting people.  It's kind of hard coming in on the middle because you don't know what's already been established in the group.  I think most people are excited to be in contact with others.  I'm sure that there are other groups out there, but at this point we've found yahoo to be a really good group site.  We'd known this before and had even started a group LONG time ago, but we weren't ready for it then.  We have to be careful as with any social media group to assure we're not over-doing it in any one area.  But, I like interacting with people who are speaking primarily the same language and carry the same types of concerns and working through similar issues.

We are though for the record doing better this week with our regular "external" groups.  We connected to the volunteer group for going in at 80% of the time we could have been volunteering on Wednesday.  The work we had been doing of sorting fabric into quilt kits had been started by Mike the day before.  He is sort of the jack of all trades person.  He got don with 14 quilts, and then I finished 22 more so we got 36 quilts on the two day spree.  I haven't seen Mary Ann for awhile, so I don't know how the baby quilts were going, or if they are, but am guessing she's still carrying through.

There were a lot of people who asked how I'd been and had noticed that we were gone. I offered a general understanding that we sometimes have difficulty leaving the house which is very true.  I talked to Connie and Ellie and Keith about it a little more personally, but for the rest ... just a little information seemed to go a long way.  I felt people didn't want to feel overly into our business, while being yet curious and sensitive that there might be a problem.  For the three people we're closest to, Connie, Ellie, and Keith, I was very grateful to talk more to them as to how parts interact with time differently.  I think we explained it in a way that made sense, but your always like figuring out that stuff as you go along.

Rich just stopped by for a few moments.  I think the schedule is becoming a little more set.  It's about 9:30 am now, and he's going to take cut the grass, and he is picking Bud up about 1:30 pm.  He says he's going to leave him with his Mother, and then he's going to go to the Rockford Walmart for shopping for us, and then he's going to pick-up Bud and do dinner with him - if diner is not happening at his mother's rehab hospital.  I'm thinking that's the best option.  He initially said he'd come home and take me and Bud out, but we refuse to go out with Bud at this point.  It's detrimental to our well-being to be with him any longer than we have to.  I can take all kinds of people, but I will not volunteer to be with any person trying to belittle us and make us feel as if we were or our thoughts were not important.  Nobody needs that.  I also though will stand clear as to Bud and his estranged wife spending time together.  They can be their own worst enemies.  If Rich wants to be in the middle of that fine, but I'm not dealing with it directly.  They are still caustic.

In general, Rich's mother is doing a little better.  She can walk about 20 feet on her own with her walker.  She still needs help standing up.  She doesn't seem to have a problem eating, though is eating too many small snicker's bars in-between meals.  She's also doing things not good for her like letting the nursing staff dress her when she should be learning to dress herself, and she's not telling them when she has to go to the bathroom, so she's wetting and otherwise dirtying herself so that they have to clean her and her bed up frequently.  She's also giving them a bad time in general - lot's of arguing and mean stuff, and negative about the services they offer or her going home.  It's become a regular banter.  She's also refusing enough rehabbing services that they aren't taking her effort seriously.  They will probably dismiss her early, because she's not doing what she needs to to be considered her fair share.  She's doesn't appreciate that people do things for her, although screaming she wants to go home.  They and us both know ... she just wants to go home to drink and smoke.  In all other areas she wants someone to take care of her.  She is also pushing Rich to be there every day even though it is a three hour ordeal for him to drive there every day, plus visiting time and her beleaguering him because "he's ruining her life."  I've said this before, but she's just a incredibly self-serving person and volatile.  I hope we're using that word correctly.

I think I do pretty well as long as I remember she's not healthy, so I can separate myself more from her.  I try to be as honest as we can though I don't want to hurt her feelings.  I will call a spade a spade.  She seems to appreciate the difference of conversation between Rich and us.  He has to be more a guardian and give her the hard reality checks.  We have just lighter conversation though pushing she be not taking advantage of the system.  She needs them more than they need her, and she's trying to argue that point out.  She does stuff mentioned above, and she also does stuff like setting off the bed alarm to get immediate attention and asking for different dinners after they bring her one.  In general, just arrogant things.  Mark, her other son, called her a prima donna and that's really where she is, but as long as we're allowed to be background - it's really not up to us to over-worry about.  I don't like that now Bud's family is asking Rich to not only take him to see his mother, but as well feed him, pick up some groceries for him and then stop by and put in eye drops.  It's way over the boundary line ... I think they should make their own voyage up there ... It's still a three hour trip in the car - and NOBODY should have to put up with Bud that long.

I do realize that I'm grouchy and probably arrogant about it, but that's the frustration over how much this is a part of our life even if it's just accepting the aloneness when Rich has to take off 5-6 hours for spending that kind of time with her EVERY day.  Again, we still worry because Rich is telling us we're not going to have enough money over the next few months.  I keep repeating, our system pays the household bills of rent, utilities, medical, etc., but Rich is still responsible for his share through vehicle payments and food.  He has to be that much accountable.  He comes home too tired to do the piece rate work he's now accepting again.  I will not be put in a position that I have to do his work too ... not with a $3000 alimony bill ... uh uh ... not going to pay for that bill.  Hmm, it's more now ... think he's paying $3,200 plus taxes and some insurance since they refinanced the house.  It's another $100,000 that he owes ... the ex isn't contributing to that, but maintains the need for a bigger house.

Ok, maybe we're in a bit of a pissy mood right now ... I'm really sorry about that and will try to change-up.  Rich has been really good this week of not dropping his family problems on me.  Last night for example, we peeled the apples and he made a couple individual apple pies.  Stuff like that is really important when all this other is going on, because sometimes the time isn't split evenly.  I was doing pretty well when I drove to Rich's mother's with him three times this week.  It is really nice getting those 3 hours in the car.  We spend it between talk, singing 50's songs, and using the computer.  It's high quality time.  See things aren't ALL bad.  Rich even sang this last time :)

My/our job remains that of being a domestic Goddess.  Hehehe ... better go change loads of clothes in the laundry.  Only two today to get us back to no dirty clothes.  I like that part a lot ... not too much, just enough to feel productive.

There we moved around the laundry, did some countertops and cleaned the clean dishes from the dishwasher.  We still have to wash the stemware and the glasses/cup the dishwasher messed up on - the big pan too.  It went through once, messed-up, we soaked it, and put it through again and STILL messing up.  This time it is soaking, but we'll hand wash it.  Not so happy with that AND Rich just came in to say the transmission just went out on the riding lawn mower.  So now he's going back to the hand one, but will only be able to get 1/3 of the lawn cut.  I don't know, if we were really progressive we'd cut at least a 1/3 too later when he's gone.  We'll have to see about that.

We also forgot that yesterday he messed up his spreadsheet when reordering columns and now he has to go back to straighten that out, but he complained that it would take him all night, and then asked us to do it.  *Sigh* I know we'd be quicker than him, just another chore away from things we want to do like the blogging we're doing now.  This time there wasn't so much build-up of doing the housework in-between writing, but were getting a little pissy too thinking we have to do work for Rich because he's not home to do it himself.  It's a really stupid ass conversation, because this is our lover bunny, we should of course want to help him.  BUT, we think he's too extended out there helping all his family instead of helping OUR family of him and us.  I don't see the value of him putting food on credit card so he can be with his mother EVERY day.  He could skip a day and just do his job.  He's losing workshops and customers because he's not satisfying their needs which means he's not getting paid.  Just a lot out there that doesn't make sense and that I can't do anything about.  I can't go back to the craziness of doing something impossible for the system without damaging self-esteem and self-worth again.

I'm thinking maybe we'd have more self-worth if we were able to take care of Rich's burdens, but pretty sure we'd be way off the charts as to livability because a lot of people within our system would rebel.  We're having a hard enough time finding time to do what we want now.  I know that it probably seems lazy to others and where's the couple in this, but if we're doing our household work, and spending time developing a life online, then we have to think that we're doing is worthy of our ability and time, and that we're not just sitting around.  I really really don't mean to sound petty.  But, they are still not my family.  To some degree I've been accepted by his mother, just not very much worthwhile because I'm not taking care of her directly.  His children have absolutely NO need for me and his ex is three times as bad as all them combined.  We're just on way different paths with the common string of it being Rich.  He's taking care of them through alimony, free housing, weddings, etc.  I know this is the stuff he WANTS to be able to cover.  Just it doesn't have much to do with me and takes away Rich's time and attention.  I am glad he has mother and other family he loves.  He wouldn't take me away from my family either, but there is a point of recognizing that his care costs.  For him taking care of them - high value, for me no value if not negative value, except if I stop complaining then maybe I'll take some stress off of Rich so he can do what he feels is right.  I know we always get to that point, but it is a process we have to remind ourselves time and again.  I think it's a trivial part of our being.  Trying to be better ... we're trying.  What's money anyway?  *sigh*

I still feel good that my money is going to pay for all the housing since the majority of the money was Rich's accounts or his mother's father.  At least then in 5-6 years we'll have both put in about the same.  Plus, we did at $10,000 from my mother.  It counts too right?  We noticed on our bank statements this morning, that Rich did take money out of our checking and savings account for his taxes.  But, we argued out our grief on that last time.  This time we want to take it up a notch.  We can recognize we're still feeling trite about this, BUT am skipping in one sentence over to the part where we are dealing with it and am always appreciative of having Rich as my lover and best friend.  I couldn't in my wildest dreams want more than I'm getting with him as a person.  That's the God's truth about it and always bottom line.  *sigh*

Ok, there we're feeling better.  Maybe we'll go wash up the dishes by hand so it will be done by the time the clothes come out of the dryer, Hmm?  Good girls!

Good good!  We done well.  We washed everything ... needed two drying cloths, and we made the bed and cleared off most the kitchen table.  The rest of the stuff is Rich's and if he doesn't clean it off before he leaves, we'll put it away for him.  I really like to sit at the kitchen table with the more comfortable chairs, but if there is stuff all over the tables and chairs, it's like a flag saying get the hell out of there!  I also cleared up our desk area.  I think we should do the kitchen floors too, but that might be saved for our tomorrow project.  It's already 11 am and we still have two loads of clothes to fold and put away ... and we wanted to clean the bedroom floor.  That would have to wait until Rich left of course.  Hmm, might meant to that we don't put away the clothes right away because of the wet floor.  It should be ok.  I would really like to be on a schedule where some part of the carpet and the kitchen floor was being cleaned once a week.  That be an admirable goal, right?  We're doing good with the surfaces - except Rich's stuff on the table.

There has been some talk about his desk so he could do his office work in his own room, but he stalled on it again this week.  He saw something outside at an antique store, but it was only a bread table (rolling size).  It was 4' with match book legs, no drawers.  I thought it was a LOUSY desk.  He'd do much better with the one we chose last weekend, but as long as he has ANY interest in fixing his room we'll go with that.  He did what we didn't want in the sunroom.  He does have a really nice pump thing, but I NEVER wanted a laundry sink in my sitting room.  But, thinking that and the cheap white fishing table are going to be there to stay.  We've been trying to deal with it.  I know Rich is using the sunroom slightly more than me and that we agreed he could run his manufacturing processes through there - like the present sink project of cleaning plastic radon housings.  BUT, we're not going to be thrilled with it.  It looks pretty chintzy.  He pulled down the shades by the laundry tub, but then we can't see through our front windows and through the sides and back of the windows people can still see his operation.  Basically, from the outside it looks like he's playing in a misguided sink.  BLAH!

I know, I know ... it's his choice what he wants to do to earn money.  This job allows him flexibility to work at night and visit with his mother 5-6 hours during the day, but it makes me feel terrible that he has to do such a thing.  He's like got the manly view ... just another job that has to get done, so while bringing in money, it's as good a job as any.  We're going to let him skate by with that series of thoughts, but soon enough he's going to say, it would really go faster if you helped.  I don't mean to sound as terrible as it is sounding, but I didn't sign up for the job, I'm on disability for a reason, and I'm not supporting his families habits of leaning on him.  I won't BECOME a Rich.  I probably will help him with his spreadsheet though ... He's just terribly frustrated with that one ... he saved it the wrong way instead of the right way and he knows he made the error.  He's got a hard time dealing with it.  Not that THAT's the marker point of whether I help him or not, but for sure something is aching for him - we would like his life to be better.

I say that especially, because we are having such a good life.  We're still figuring out how to handle our system, to be helpful to others in the Multiple community, and to work with them on making it a nicer place for yet, others.  PLUS, we enjoy the sewing, particularly the volunteer work.  Maybe it is contradictory working on volunteer instead of helping Rich make money.  That thought comes up periodically.  I feel strongly though that I'm on disability for a purpose.  What Dr. Marvin and I've worked on is making our life more livable so we're not at the point of wanting to commit suicide all the time.  I'm not saying it doesn't come up, but again as mentioned before we don't want to live in that kind of space by being forced to do what's good for others, but not good for us.  Trying to fit that mold of taking care of others no matter where they were at and no matter how much they were piling on top of ... just we can't handle that sort of thing.  Even the pressures we put on ourselves now, we know theoretically, that they only NEED to get done when we CAN get them done.  We want to improve on being able to do deadlines - like marking this morning for writing, then for online with the Multiplicity stuff, and sewing tonight.  As grand a plan that is, we've still not been able to do it for more than a day or two without needing time to come back and re-balance ourselves.

It's better right now for us to set general goals.  I know what I want to do to catch us up to this week with the Multiple Works stuff.  I appreciate that people want to sew tonight, and we'll try to honor that.  We might need to move the desk light to the other side of the living room so we can see the hand sewing.  But, it should be ok.  I don't want to listen to Rich's shows, but we like the idea of being "with Rich."  This is a very hard one for me to do.  He usually listens to cop/detective shows with loud noises and bad visuals.  I know if we concentrate on just our work, it will be better, but it be best if he was listening to music and reading or something like that.  Maybe what we could do is work on the hand sewing with the extra light out in the sun room while he's working out there.  I think he's planning though to bring his computer because he and us got it set up for the hopper sling that Dish Network offers.  It will allow him to watch TV while working, and in reality his back would be turned toward me.  It takes down some of the feelings of working together.

I couldn't tell you why this kind of process thinking is so hard for me.  Just know it is.  Maybe someone figured out something last week?  I think we had been talking about the Annemarie part.  Annemarie is the one with sensitive hearing problems.  Think that's a big part as to why we have to pick and choose watching TV with Rich.  We do watch Sheldon, and we can watch a few other shows - he's looking at some of the new sitcoms that are more family orientated.  We have enjoyed doing the massaging, but we have to figure out how that's happening now with colder weather and wanting to be snuggled in bed, instead of laying across the top.  Maybe then a simple matter of an extra blanket or pulling apart the regular bed?  I don't know.  Maybe we could use the light blue flower blanket in the guest room.  it's light so we could still massage, but cuddly enough to keep out drafts.  Yes, I know ... it's terrible, but we really do micro-manage to this degree.

Hmm, Rich is in now and having crackers, cheese and salami for lunch while watching another fishing show.  I think that's a good thing, but I also don't want to hear at the end of the day that he worked for 16 hours.  Just not fair because it implies guilt that his life is so bad and that we owe him somehow especially taking care of him.  His family has VERY blurred boundaries.  Ok, no complaining we've already been through that right?  The dryer is buzzing so we'll take care of the clothes and then make ourselves some popcorn.  Then we can have our second Herbalife shake later this afternoon.  I think dinner is going to be by ourselves.

Back - folded clothes, swept the laundry room floor, talked to Rich and made some popcorn.  We decided we are going to need vacuuming all four floors - bedroom, sitting room, kitchen, and sun room.  *Blah*

Do love popcorn and a diet coke!  Rich has got caffeine free one this time too.  *sigh*

Hmm, fishing show is over.  Rich might be napping while listening to music.  He says he needs a certain tool for the housing because the other one gave him a blister.  Reminded him he had an hour and a half to do whatever he wanted before picking up Bud.  I think he might be napping for a few moment.  He didn't like the conclusion that he needed to pick up the new tool now because the hardware store isn't going to be open when he gets back from his mothers and Buds.  He did get done two sides of the lawn.  That's a good reason to be tired.  Just he has to be honest about what gets done in his normal day.  If he rests then he has to appreciate he got to take a break - and DIDN'T work 16 hours.  That marker echoes in my ears because we hear it so often.  I know people in glass houses ...

*SIGH* STOP COMPLAINING!

Yes, ma'am.

Good popcorn?

Yes.

Have a sip of pop.

Yes, ma'am.

Pushing your luck ...

Hmm?

Ok, Dr. Marvin's?  What's on the plate for Dr. Marvin's this week?  Need to move this along!

Ok, well you know the part that after Thursday we were going to have 12 days before seeing him, right?  That's true.  We did get into see him on Tuesday, but on Thursday it was raining and we didn't plan for that margin of time.  We give ourselves a half hour free space, but NOT more than that.  We got 2/3's of the way there - 40 of 60 miles, and we figured out that because the traffic and GPS weren't lining up ... time was tight and we weren't going anywhere ... that we weren't going to make it.  We were by La Grange near where we used to live, so we pulled off for a hamburger, and then we talked to the car place because a service light B1 had been going off.  I guess that's a $140 light to do everything like change, oil, rotate tires, check air filter, etc.  I called Rich to get his ok, and he said ABSOLUTELY not.  He thought we only needed to do an oil change which he could do cheaper, and he wasn't interested in the other stuff though I thought it would void our warranty, and then he insisted that he take care of it.  We were grouchy because we were missing our appointment had made up our mind to sit around 3 hours while the work got done so our car would be good and up to date.  Didn't happen.

So we turned around and headed back in the rain.  Dr. Marvin called to check on us, but we couldn't talk more than a few moments because of the conditions.  He told us we could write at will and that he'd respond when he got home.  That was good for us, and he reminded us that it was ok to be sad when he left.  Pretty much figuring he heard our mopey through the phone.  *sigh*

Have to think/ask about what happened on Tuesday.  Anyone got something?  Anything?  Remember we got up to the ramp early and then brought our parking ticket with us ... figured we still hated to check in, but maybe she could validate the ticket, so we didn't have to spend the extra money for parking.  It's a tight schedule and within a few moments of being late the cost goes from $6.50 to $8.50.  But, if you validate the ticket, you don't have to pay more than $6.75.  So, that put us in a good mood.

Hmm, not "getting" to vacuum until after Rich wakes up is putting us in a good mood too!  WoohOO!  He's been sleeping for 25 minutes already.

Ok, Dr. Marvin?  Yes, I know we have to look for the piano cord.  I know, I know.  Maybe today?  Hmm, that's interesting!  Amazon says it was delivered yesterday.  They are pretty trustworthy.  :)  It said through USPS so that means it's probably in our mail box YAY!!!!  We'll ask Rich to check when he gets up from his nap.  I know still in pjs.  We've been taking later showers in the day when we don't have to go somewhere.  Still not good for getting mail.

HMPF!  Ok, now we are a little exasperated.  It's part of not having boundaries.  Bud and his son figured they didn't have anything better to do, so the son dropped Bud off here over an hour early.  Sure why would Rich try to keep a schedule ... it just elongates the day ... they are getting there early, but will still stay for dinner so Rich looses his afternoon and evening ... and he lost his nap and there is no chance of him picking up the work tool he needed to get at the hardware store.  Just frustrated with those people.  Bud disappearing for 5 months SHOULD mean he lose some "give a damn" points.

Oh Lordy.  Here we go again with grouchy Ann.  Maybe I'll go vacuum a little.  HMPF!

Ok, we got done with 1 1/2 rooms ... then had to stop due to the back pain.  I feel a little shaky now.  Shhh shhh ... gotta calm down girls.  On the good side, we got dressed so we can go check the mail box.  Have to wait until we get rested from the vacuuming - there will be a couple up and downs until we get through with all that.  Maybe next time we can finish the bedroom, living room rug AND do the kitchen.  Not sure though about under the cupboard.  We might do that on the same swing as the sun room.  Hmm, dryer is done too.  Shoot shoot.  Not ready to stand up again even if most of dryer work is now sitting down and folding.  Please give me just a few more minutes.  *sigh*

I don't know if we can think of much that happened with Dr. Marvin.  Don't have a sense yet who had the time.  Wasn't me that's for sure.  We must remember SOME marker?  Thinking that the quilting group came up because it was just after their weekend.  Don't remember though what was said.  Probably calming us down.  Probably talked about Rich and his mother, but don't recall that conversation either.  Ahh, I know one conversation we're now remembering.  Casey was out and complaining about Annemarie.  Casey was explaining that she was the one trying to wait very patiently for Rich's pie to be out, but then when the apple pie was finally done, Annemarie ate the pie and didn't share.  No amount of stomach counting was going to convince Casey it was LIKE eating, because it wasn't to her.  Holding up the fork was a tease, but then it went to Annemarie and not her.  Annemarie was out for a snarly moment, scared Casey and then disappeared.  I don't know who had it after that.  Someone who understood the story at least.

Maybe just another minute or two.  Our concentration isn't very good right now, and our 1 pm medicine timer just went off so we'll have to do that too.  Maybe start in the bedroom, work forward toward the kitchen and then sit to do whatever, and THEN finish the vacuuming.  I don't know if we can do all that without writing in-between, but we're going to go for it.  Be back in a little bit.

Back!  We did pretty good ... we're done vacuuming all five rooms ... the fifth room - the living room is just vacuuming the little on the rug between chairs, couches and table. It's not too hard.  I did the little suction thing under the cupboards - that's always a little extra, but pays off when we don't see grimy stuff under the ledge.  I'm going to need picking up a few more threads in the sunroom.  I didn't have the wherewithal to pull out the vacuum hand suction thing before we had to stop.  We will do that before putting the vacuum cleaner away the next round.  AND THEN ... if we were being a real good Ann, we would carpet clean the bedroom ... WOW!  that take us over the edge of Good Anndom.

Hmm, I am getting scolded by the cat ... vacuuming is their WORST thing ... besides moving :)

We were just going over the word groups for animals again ... I know play, play play ... a group of animal names is called, "a venery."  You learn something new every day!

Hey did you know?  We got the Casio cord and the piano WORKS!!!

(30,119/7,492)

Monday, October 14, 2013

Cendrine - Could you look at this - our comments to you are in red - the rest is examples/links.


October 14, 2013 @ 8:05 am
Cenderine, This is where we are at so far with the curation.  If you have any ideas on how we could make this process work better ... I'm satisfied with most of it ... Basisally, we collect data from Google search (sent to our email daily) like this ...

Identity confusion : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum - Psych forums
Do any of you, especially long time hosts, feel like they aren't complete alters? I mean, it makes sense for each alter to not have ...
www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic126317.html
Alt? Character? New and Weird : Dissociative Identity Disorder ...
The other weekend my SO and I had her children for the weekend. We three were sitting around hanging out and I started doing a ...
www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic126281.html
Dissociative identity disorder From... - William Breen Jr. | Facebook
Dissociative identity disorder From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia "Split personality" redirects here. For other uses, see Split personality...
https://www.facebook.com/.../posts/661187847248947
Dissociative identity disorder by Katrica on deviantART
Dissociative identity disorderby *Katrica · deviantART Related / Deviant Stamps©2013 *Katrica. No comments have been added yet. x. Add a Comment: Preview ...
katrica.deviantart.com/.../Dissociative-identity-disorder-40666...
Phases of therapy for DID : Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum ...
I stumbled across this last night and found it very interesting. If I have seen anything like this before I've blocked it out. This website ...
www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic126330.html

Then we read all the articles like that above and we use Diigo to collect the parts we find of most interest through annotations like this ...


Might need to press "expand" toward upper right corner of Diigo.


Then we process the annotations (and collect pictures from Google search) to go through each of these "curating type programs" to reach the most views from the public in many different formats which each have their own "fine points."  The Processed data also goes from these next five sources through connections from our blogs (2), Twitter, and FB.  We are focussing our success basically, if our programs come up like through Google search on "News Dissociative Identity Disorder." oh and yes ... we're a Multiple.


Goes to Pinterest


Goes to Scoopit


Goes to Learnist


Goes to TheBrain (mind map)


Goes to SpeaderDeck (slide show)



Now what we're working on is finding the best way to understand the information ... btw the slow down part above ... yes I know curating takes time, but at the Learnist stage ... we are trying to add comments that are better displayed then during "TheBrain" part and the "SpeakerDeck".   It takes time to to the "synthesis" part (by adding comments), so we've been exploring with coding/categorizing (see next).

A. Multiples

03 - A Multiple reviews his connections to several parts - trying not to be w/o feeling overwhelmed. 9-9-13 #2

04 - A scared Multiple is overwhelmed because she's remember things triggering her parts in the present as well as the past and that some things are being forgotten, so looks to a social circle to confirm her reality. 9-9-13 #2

05 - A Multiple asks about rapid switching as an explanation why she sometimes feels out of control and questions the feelings of separation from a part who is depressed. 9-9-13 #2

06 - A Multiple talks about how her therapy program isn't working for all aspects of her life and the limitations of the services being offered, or her own condition i.e. transportation, money 9-9-13 #2

07 - A Multiple asked for validation of self after being intimidated by parts switching especially over trauma memories being different for each. 9-9-13 #2

08 - A Multiple shares her excitement when she "gets" to feel emotions (from a scary movie) because finally she felt the experience as hers and not a part. 9-9-13 #2

11 - A Multiple made a joke out of dreaming about killing people and getting a cup of chocolate milk as near parallel ideas. 9-9-13 #2

12. A Multiple asks about recovering from a graphic flashback and then accepting being back in the body. 9-9-13 #2

13 - A new Multiple (knowing she has 12 alters) returns to a forum stating she's getting along pretty well with her parts and noting she has to get back to school work. 9-9-13 #2

14 - A Multiple in therapy is sharing co-consciousness and is concerned over who is the "real person" between her and the other part though is feeling negative emotions and unable to talk during therapy. 9-9-13 #2

17 - A Multiple presents work curated from the internet as to the use of the term DID/MPD contrasting it to the stereotypical ill-informed manner it is usually published and explained. 9-9-13 #2

18 - An artistic Multiple who also writes struggles with having many states of lucid and non-lucid times and ability to perform or not perform and asks if others experience the same. 9-9-13 #2

19 - A Multiple timidly asks if anyone else has experienced internal pregnancy's that were not actual pregnancies particularly around times she is flashbacking, or if the process signified the activity of a new part. 9-9-13 #2

22 - One Multiple questions if her reality is shared with others who also feel very different from others and has been trapped with subliminal messages an entire lifetime. 9-9-13 #2

B. Someone asserting personal knowledge/relationship with a Multiple

01 - A dissociative partner is being psychology and physically rebuffed by girlfriend who is Multiple and claiming she needs more space in a shared household. 9-9-13 #2

10 - Someone is fearfully asking if her husband can be dropped from the army because he was showing indications of being a Multiple. 9-9-13 #2

23 - Someone who used to be in a relationship with a Multiple and was spurned asks for assistance in understanding her situation which is leaving her feeling lost and confused. 9-9-13 #2

C. Someone is asserting he or she has knowledge of Multiplicity (whether or not a Multiple)

16 - Someone talks about the lack of consensus in diagnosing and treating DID which is especially troubling because so many Multiples don't end in Integration and include long treatment periods, co-morbid diagnosis, and managed care. 9-9-13 #2

21 - Someone discusses different tests that are reported to assist in diagnosing Multiplicity. 9-9-13 #2

D. Someone asking questions (unknown as a Multiple or Singleton)

02 - Someone asks is MPD always caused from a trauma, or only sometimes. 9-9-13 #2

09 - Someone asks the symptoms/signs of "multi-personality" disorder 9-9-13 #2

15 - Someone asks if Trinitarian Christians believe that Yahweh is multiple because he has 3 parts. 9-9-13 #2

20 - Someone asks if Multiplicity is the Holy Grail of Psychiatry, because of all the people who don't believe in it. 9-9-13 #2


I'm thinking that something like this could work - especially in sorting the information on TheBrain - Lots more to find from that source, and we want TheBrain to be our biggest collection point - basically the spot that holds all the other in place - AND we find the Speakerdeck is the best as to embedding info to ANY online space.  It simplifies the most information,succinctly.  But I guess the question or space I'd like input from is kind of an evaluation of what we're doing good or bad, right or wrong - if things could be categorized like that.  We respect how you've been out there for a while ... and if I were to zone in on any one thing at this point it would be advice on getting to the "sense" part (seek, sense, share) of understanding what all this information means to our "audience" of people with or trying to understand dissociative identity disorder (DID). 


Does this make sense?


Thanks for your time in trying to understand me/us.


Anns