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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

This one goes back to Sunday ...

Sunday, April 12, 2015 @ 11:46 am

Good morning or what’s very quickly slipping away from it.  Here we are and we’re like ok, what is happening?  Not really sure until we start putting it together.  Looking at the blog, we seem to have written about 9 days ago. It was on a Friday and we had included a lot of pictures catching us up. 

I think the biggest thing between then and now is that we have dropped out of the Plural Activism PA group.  We were really frustrated.  At first – we’d been working on a couple of entries over at Plural Resource Forum (PRF) and hadn’t been paying overly close attention to the entries going through Yahoo conversations and then to emails.  We had a meeting on the phone with Dr. Marvin, and we’d mentioned that we thought there was some negative stuff going on, but we hadn’t looked at it carefully.  So then, after we got off the phone, we started piecing through a series of conversations that included about 20 different emails AND, we were part of those emails, but hadn’t looked closely at the big picture, until we broke it down.  And, then at that point, we felt very angry, frustrated, and had other emotions mostly disappointed and hurt. 

We reached a snapping point of sensing our own self survival.  I think basically to sum things up – we didn’t feel it was anyone else’s job to question us on our connection to DID so that we could be accepted.  We’d been diagnosed 25 years ago and it’s been a part of us ever since.  There is a lot of work we’ve done trying to understand the “medical model” and as far as all that – we are DID.  There’s a lot more, but that’s on our mind at the moment. 

Plus, we thought honestly that we received Dr. Marvin’s services partly because of the DID, there is depression, anxiety, a little obsessive/compulsive, plus PTSD as well, but he signs the forms, they go to my insurance company and he then gets paid.  It is something of a reality.  AND, we’re on disability.  All the diagnosis went in together, so I’m not sure what part makes us “disabled” but DID was included.  I don’t believe I’m disordered - though we have been at times.  I think it’s like health where it’s a day to day thing.  As long as all our ducks are in order we’re healthy, if we start denying or dissociating so that we’re not balanced, then we’re less healthy, but that isn’t a form and function of DID, that’s just how we’re doing day to day.  I can no longer work for an income, but we can and do think and try to contribute back toward society.  We cannot work, doesn’t mean we aren’t or can’t be proud of other accomplishments.  Part of leaving the group though is common with our problems for working with people.  We just get so frustrated and then, we just want to be on our own with very little contact with much of anyone.

The really frustrating part was that the group didn’t feel that someone could be DID and healthy, because DID meant to them their own stereotyped - disordered, sick, mentally ill, etc.  They couldn’t accept that there were other ways of defining DID, such as what it meant to us.  We’d tried the night before, but then it was used as something to prove with our disagreement, we weren’t a part of them as “healthy multiples.” 

There was then what seemed like trial, jury, and we were out – they were stating that we hurt their reputation and such.  The group structure had changed.  Part of the leadership was gone and not commenting (Jim was taking care of a family matter – and it was understandable why he was gone).  One of the leadership tried to say we were healthy, so was pushing us against our will that we must or shouldn’t be considering ourselves DID, because it didn’t fit with her understanding of DID.  I think the newer ones – are in a process of taking over with exclusive thoughts – though they are trying to give the appearance of being accepting.  They didn’t want anything to do with mental illness – at least their concepts of it.  But the bottom line there was that I didn’t want to deal with that kind of stereotyping and we had felt discriminated, because we were on the outside of someone’s description of “someone like us – with DID.” We were no longer a part of the group – we were someone they were putting up with.

I just, we just, don’t need that sort of thing, and I didn’t think it was my duty to change their minds.  They are where they are.  Best to let it go.  I had felt I had done a lot of work, and certainly we weren’t feeling mentally ill.  Ok, you … let it go.  Maybe later, but for now … this is enough of that.

I have made a couple of in-depth articles on PRF.  My understanding is that I can do with what I want of my stuff, but I don’t feel good about sharing it here, because there is enough paraphrasing of what other people are saying, so that I don’t want to confuse the boundaries of what should and should not stay in the group.  We’re going to play it safe.
AHA!  Something has improved.  We took a shower!  Yay!  That felt good.  And, we washed dishes, and we started the process of crushing cans with the can crusher Rich got us.  We are saving up cans for Isa and her Girl Scout troop.  Figured the whole can was starting to take over.  We got a garbage can/bag for them out in the sunroom, but there are now a couple bags and a bunch on the cupboard.  We’ll get them broken down – but maybe kitty litter next.  BLAH!  Tonight is garbage night though – they come right away at about 6 am Monday morning.  Best to do it now before Rich comes home.

Yup yup … Rich has been out for the weekend.  He had a fishing trip at Lake Newton – about 4 hours south of here – toward the Springfield capital, I think.  He forgot his phone, so we’ve been in a little more touch with him – talking to him on his partner’s phone.  That has worked out pretty good.  It’s about 12:30 pm now and his fishing gets over at 1 pm.  They still have to weigh in, but then it will be four hours back so we’re thinking anytime between 6-8 pm.  Hoping they don’t have any trouble … there was something going on with his battery and he confessed last night to a small electrical fire when they were out on the boat.  PSWHOO!!!  That’s the kind of thing that’s going to annoy your girlfriend!

We made our decision on Thursday night, and then had to deal with the weekend ramifications.  We talked to Dr. Marvin on Friday morning, but the system in general wanted to shut down and just sleep.  We’d found some old pills (Haldor) that Dr. Marvin had tried us on – back in 2013.  We had gotten then about 10 pills in and decided we didn’t want anything to do with them, but all of a sudden they seemed very good to help us sleep.  We had to go through a tough session with Dr. Marvin about what that meant and it meant that no we weren’t going to the hospital, but we had to call in Friday night before he left for work to confirm we were ok.  That was a grumpy moment – day mostly, but we deserved it.  We told Dr. Marvin we were going to take one every 4-5 hours, but that wasn’t going to kill us.  He knew we were right though he certainly isn’t going to be happy with what we did.  We didn’t know how to handle the anger and just wanted to sleep.  We had come to the earlier than not conclusion that we couldn’t be totally gone, because no one would be here to take care of Dakota. 

This is the hard part about the chronic depression.  Too much will put us over.  We were taking too much medicine Friday and Saturday, but by this morning, we were able to get back to normal doses.  We’re just letting the other stuff out of our system.  We left Dr. Marvin a note that we were getting back to normal and that we’d analyzed and then synthesized using the last 12 entries from PRF … so basically, we had written a article or whatever.  We posted it last night and then about 9:30 pm fell asleep in the LR with Dakota (w/o TV) on the couch.  That seemed to help at least go through a process where we were thinking and writing. 

We don’t really know what is going to happen next as to our “work load.”  I think the most disappointing part is losing our sense of “The Multiple Conversation” (TMC).  There was nothing that would have benefited the PA group from something left incomplete that they couldn’t duplicate, so I took that form and a few others down.  I did leave a copy of the 20 emails – sorted out in “Ann think.”  I wanted them to know what I’d heard.  I didn’t explain, I just told them I was leaving the group.  One wrote a couple of times, but I asked Jim to tell her we were out of contact.  She’s honored that boundary.  Right now we don’t want to discuss it or think of going back.  Just don’t want to, which means that we’re going to have to settle our mind about what happens next.

We entered a few google searches into the Multiples’ Mind Map (MMM), but that didn’t feel very satisfactory.  Maybe it will later, but we’ve been doing more analyzing and then writing.  That has been more exciting for us.  One of the women who’d been in-between the PA group and the PRF got a rough enough draft as to what happened and she said that the group had two objectives – basically to meet with DiCaprio and to raise general public awareness for “healthy multiples.”

Hmm, one of the PRF members who had written a lot before wrote back.  She seemed to take offense by a few things – one of the things we took offense in, but as well she didn’t seem to like that I had quartered off the topics of “redemption” and “forgiveness” as religious.  She might have preferred spiritual, but obviously she hasn’t the same hang-ups as I do over those kinds of concepts.  She also seems more interested in doing something with the Milligan movie as to advocacy than I might.  She seems to have connections in public health.  I hope that works for her. 

Moving on – doesn’t seem anything I really have to respond back to.  She was just stating her own opinions.  No problems there.

Ok, now it is about 1:12 pm and we still haven’t emptied the litter box.  So we want to do that yet, girls?  Soft whimpering…  We could provide ice cream after?  Quicker whimpering.  Now we’ve made sort of a hot spot issue button.  Maybe later – works for me – later we’ll have the ice cream.  Let’s set a goal though at about 2:30 pm, hmm?  That’ll work?  Great!

Poor Dakota is still waiting by the door for Rich to come home.  He seems pretty helpless.  He will come and sit with us, but otherwise if we’re not on the couch (usually proofreading something) then he is out in the sunroom – hmm, remember now we were going to do some more cans too.  Hmm, things are now jumbling up. 

There … we did the kitty litter and the garbage.  Next is to both rinse the cans and break off the tabs for the cans sitting on the counter, OR emptying the dishwasher.  Not sure if it isn’t still drying.  And, we got to make sure the counters are all good and any extra dishes find their way to the empty dishwasher and we’ve got more cans to crush.  BUT, we are doing better than the rest of the week, right?  With all the work with the PA group, we’ve had a harder than normal time doing regular stuff.  We did check the laundry when we were in the bathroom closet and it seems it will be fine until tomorrow – there will be fishing stuff to wash right away too.  There … these are the old familiar thoughts, right?  We can do this, right?

We heated up coffee from this morning too.  Seemed without Rich there was too much to have just left sit.  We didn’t fill-it up this time, but I guess we’ve only been drinking 1-2 cups a day.  Hmm, might want to fold some blankets and clean of the dining room table too.  AND, there are some clothes on the bedroom floor – there that’s all possible, right?  Ok, ok … I’m pushing our luck.  Just saying is all.  Wouldn’t take much to clean it all up!  Noooo, if we were going to do the e-broom – that would be tomorrow.  It can wait.  See, we’re easy!

We turned on our songs of hope on Rhapsody too.  We haven’t had the TV on very much since Rich has left.  We figured, we better get used to sound again so we aren’t cranky.  Two hours until the next medicine.

Do we miss Rich?  Sure!  Of course, but there is something nice about some good old fashioned Ann time too.  I didn’t expect Dakota was going to have so much problems without Rich coming home.  A lot of window watching and one time he brought out something clothing like and personal – the only thing we could figure was that he was helping us get dressed, he just had the tiniest piece gently in his mouth.  Definitely, trying to communicate with us.  Poor boy.  Rich adds diversity to the house.  Now it’s 1:30 pm. 

Next goal?  Hmm, let’s check out the dishwasher.  Good it’s dried.  We’ll get to that next.  We left the door open for it to cool.  Not much problem there.  It will be easier to get the cans if the few stray dishes are off the counter first, and then we can clean the counter, AND the table.  THEN next time do the bedroom floors and blankets in the living room and Study – AND THEN!!!  We’ll be done enough to make Rich happy.  REALLY ecstatic would be doing Dakota’s lawn too, but maybe we’ll check getting dressed tomorrow and doing it.  I wonder what the temp will be.

Wow, it is 68 out there now and cloudy, but tomorrow it might rain a little.  Hmm, rain in the midnight to 9 am rain possible.  We’ll see how it looks at 10 am, maybe we can put that off until Wed?  Ahh that looks good – more rain on Thurs, but not too bad.  Try not to do too much on the days we go into Dr. Marvin’s.  Good we’re clear – then Wednesday doggie doo.

Then tomorrow – laundry and sweeping.  That sounds fair.  One of the next times up we better make sure the sweeper is fully charged.  That be a good deal.  Wow!  A real plan! Hmm, if it were a REALLY REAL plan – we’d sew up a few things for Rich tomorrow AND get done with the steaming as we are washing clothes.  That seems like a lot, but we’ll see.  Nothing else much on the agenda.

You can always tell we’re back, because we are also organizing housework.  I know how exciting can that be?!  Hehehe – Well, it certainly does excite Rich!  Thatta boy … he’s coming home sooner than later now.  YAY!!!  It’s no problem if the house is clean.

Ok, anything else we have to write about for this last 9 days? 

I guess we could say that the day after Easter we went out in the boat with Rich and Dakota.  Dakota was very good and interested in what was going on, but as well, he rested at the appropriate times too.  He was a good dog.  This is a couple pictures!  These are my favorite three – first time we think sniffing a fish!



We’re back.  I’m not sure of all the places we’ve been, but we did do the dishwasher and we did the cans on the counter and cleaned the counter – think we already told you we did litter and garbage.  There were a couple more comments on PRF, but it didn’t seem like anyone was really talking to me – hehe at least in a way I’d respond back.  We’ve pet Dakota for a while, and we posted his pictures on the adopted site – where he was adopted from.  We poked around facebook a little too – seems like it’s a slow news day over there.  Ohhhh and Hillary Clinton is officially running for President YAY WOWAN!  Go for it!  Very excited about that surprisingly.  We also watched a couple of videos and that was fun – I think it was part of our get well therapy.

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